#652 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JEFF DYE + KIM CONGDON

Hey, all the L.

A. Forum is right around the corner and, contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube theater, two days later, has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kill Tony's history. Travel.

Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with Stand Up Comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St.

Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on the road I am doing until 2025.. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love.

Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi. And how about a hand for the fucking band? Am I right, people? This is the number one live podcast in the world.

Brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.

com, Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip, use the promo code KILL10, save 10%. How do we feel tonight? You guys with us?

That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

The mutilator, Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys right there. This is right, the one and the only, D. Madness, everybody. Oh my goodness.

Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible here right now.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Every week, I have some of the funniest people in the world on the show. This week, absolutely no different. Three very, very, very funny comedians. You know them. You love them.

We're going to have a blast here together. Some of my favorite people. Make some noise for Luis J Gomez, Kim Congdon, and Jeff Dye, everybody.

Oh yeah.

The great Legion of Skanks, Luis J Gomez. The great and powerful Jeff Dye joining the fray. And that is Kiltoni's first ever regular, Kim Congdon.

Legend of the Kiltoni universe, Luis J Gomez. Welcome, my friend. I'm so happy to be back here after the Ric Flair debacle.

Unbelievable. Still haven't heard back from the nature boy after that one.

Wild night. We love him, though. Jeff Dye, welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair.

I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode. Now I hate Ric Flair. Me too.

The great Kim Congdon, everybody. Seriously. She was writing a minute every week on this show, 10 and a half fucking years ago. Something crazy. Welcome back.

Roast Queen. We love her. She fucking hits hard. Everybody's ready. You guys know how it works.

100, 200, some fucking crazy amount of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand up on this stage in front of a sold out crowd at the number one comedy club on planet Earth. You know their 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun.

We find out more about them and make the most of their opportunity on stage. You guys ready for this shit?

Well,

there's only one way to start an episode like this, everybody. How many of you are actually fans of the show?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, doing a brand new minute, a legendary regular. You guys know the words.

This is Hans Kim, everybody.

Thank you. It's good to be here. I love Kill Tony fans, because I know I can say retard, shit. Tonight, retard, retard, retard, retard. Why aren't you doing it?

Did you vote for Biden? Faggot.

Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot. Any black people want to start the next chance?

Legally, I'm not allowed to start it anymore.

I can jump in in the middle, though.

I'm glad that the new Apple Vision Pro came out, because now it won't look so weird masturbating on the bus.

I hate poor people. Poor people always bragging about how poor they are. They're like, I grew up on the streets, man. I had to steal french fries to survive. My best friend was locked in a cage.

What are you, a pigeon? I sound like a pigeon, bitch. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Fuck, yeah. The great Hans. Kim. How are you feeling tonight, Hans? I feel amazing.

I've been, you know, really working on myself. I've been taking three showers a week, so it's pretty good for me. Why three showers a week? I didn't know that you were this uncleanly. I just don't shower that much.

I'm pretty clean as it is. I'm Asian. I'm trying to use my strengths. I save all that shower time to study the art.

He has no hair. So when they say shrimp dick, they're talking about the smell?

Oh, wow.

No doubt about it. I love it. I've been pretty good. I've been having sex. I like this look.

It's like 50 shades of beige or something like that. Did someone dress you like that? Did you do that? Yeah, my friend Amira is helping me. She's Palestinian.

You need to get a mirror.

Hey, that is true. Jeff Dye. I'm glad you told me that I shouldn't interrupt the comedians for the first 60 seconds, because I was going to do the black person chant.

Kim? Hans, I think your jokes are great. I like that you came out chanting your own name.

What else is going on in your life this week, Hans? Anything else? big? Sex is always a great thing for me. I've been with my ex.

You know, we've been hooking up after the breakup. What's her full name?

That's interesting, because last week it seemed like you guys were taking a real break. Yeah. I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account.

I was mad at her, but then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out. You were full of dog. Full of what? Dog. Oh.

Wow.

When an Asian person bawls their eyes out, isn't that a limited.

. Do you guys have the same amount of tears as we do? It seems like you guys are restricting it a little bit. They come out in rectangles.

I mean, we just squeeze it all out. White people can put it around the sphere of the eyes. I'm offended.

How do you think they make duck sauce? That is true. That is true. How do you spend $200 on DoorDash, Hans? I tip the delivery drivers $50 each.

I ordered two things. Wait, what? I tipped them $50.. You do? I did, just to...

Because it was her credit card. Oh, you knew that it was her credit card. Yes. Okay. So I wanted to spend her money.

But I Venmo'd her back because I felt bad after I had sex with her. Wow. This is very weird. You are unbelievably honest and very revealing of a lot of very interesting shit. This guy lives by a strange code.

This is unbelievable. So were you trying to get her back? Were you trying to be in communication? You knew she was going to be like, Hans, you spent $200 on DoorDash. Yeah, but she didn't respond.

And then I had to go over there to pick up my drone remote controller. Holy shit. Just the remote controller? You could have bought two of those with those tips that you just spent, man. And then I cried, and then we had sex with a condom twice and without once.

This is unbelievable. See, people are like, why is Hans... What is the deal with Hans? And I'm like, do you listen to these interviews? I don't even have to do anything.

He gives you just everything you could ever possibly want to work with in the world. So some with, some without? Yeah, the first two was with and then the last one, it was without. Oh, you could hear him smiling. You could hear the talk.

Yeah, the first two, there was none. And then the second one, there he was.

That's unbelievable. You just can't hide how excited you are to use that fucking raw, fucking raw... Is it still raw dog? if you do it? This is where you should do the talk, Joe.

Raw dog, raw dog. I got it. There we go. He already has a lot of dog inside him. Didn't work twice.

That's how bad it was. And they knew I was making fun of it. When you're making a dog joke, you got to leave a little pause.

Thank you, Michael. Okay, Hans, we have, we have come to a very, very interesting agreement. You and I earlier on the phone to, he is battling Rick Diaz in an unbelievable, unbelievably exciting rematch. Uh, he, while he won, he went on to challenge Rick Diaz to silence the haters. It's happening May 10th, live from the LA forum.

Right? Yeah. So, uh, we realized that what's not fair is that Rick gets to prepare this super minute over months without having to spend any minutes or interviews on the show. So it would be fair to give Hans Kim a break. So, unless he absolutely wants one, uh, he will not be performing until May 10th, live at the forum on Kill Tony.

I know, I know. Listen to the controversy. This is, I'm telling you, it's so funny.

See, this is what I'm saying. It's Chinese bots working against him. I think like that on online and shit like that. That could be. nobody hates Asians more than other Asians.

This is true. You would agree with that, right? Well, yes. Well, yes, absolutely.

Uh, so, until he wants to, again, that was Hans Kim. How do you feel about this, Hans? I feel great. I'm going to energize. I'm going to recharge.

I'm going to come back better than ever, you know? Yeah. A lot of people cheered for me on that night at the arena and I'm going to work hard for them. Abso-fucking-lutely. There you go.

And that was Hans Kim, everybody. Make some noise for Hans, everyone.

And I will tell you right now. Indeed.

Later tonight, you will all meet the new regular that will open the shows every week here on Kill Tony. Isn't that exciting? But now we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen, where anything can happen. As you know, these could be crazy people. It could be someone's first time.

Anything can happen. You guys ready? 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool of the night. Molly Matledge, everyone.

It's Molly Matledge.

Hi. A bit about me. I, uh, I love fun facts. A little fun fact I learned through watching a few seasons of Wildin' Out.

is that black people, stick with me, think that white people put raisins in their potato salad. Now, I don't know what the fuck is putting raisins in their potato salad, because, let's be real, it's mayo or mustard. Keep it moving. Uh, but it does beg the question, white people, are you putting raisins in your potato salad? And if not, why do black people think you do?

We'll, we'll come back to that. Uh, another thing that I love are fun facts that rhyme, maybe impart a little wisdom. Uh, one of my personal favorites, uh, liquor before beer. You're in the clear, but beer before liquor. You'll fuck your coworker.

That's facts.

Whoa, look at that. They, I got a huge laugh in this room. These people are desperate for comedy here tonight. They are really, all you have to. really, they're just listening for pacing and timing.

at this point. They're pretty much giving it up for anything. I practiced. You did? Oh, my goodness.

I love it. This is the scariest fucking one of the Conjuring movies I've ever seen. right now. I'm not sure what the fuck is happening. This is something out of my nightmares.

You do look like if Chucky was a housewife.

That's fair. I love her. Oh yeah, absolutely. Uh, so, how long you been doing standup, Molly? That was unbelievable.

First time. First time. Hell yeah.

I'll tell you, you need a little raisins in that potato salad. You know what I'm saying? You got to add a little fucking something, some spicy mustard, something funny, really anything. You got to dose up, dose it up. Paprika.

Paprika. Absolutely. I mean, I'll say for her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life.

Did you try to like research this? Were you like trying to strategically be funny? Because it does feel like Red Band said, it feels like something, somebody like took a comedy class. It was like, okay, something, a pop culture reference. Wild N Out is really hip right now.

And then, well, what's something else? we can all agree on? Potato salad.

She even moved the mic. stand like a comedy class. Yeah. I asked. You, asked what?

I asked them. I said, what do y'all, I was like, I was thinking about taking it off. What do you recommend? He was like, I see the professionals. He said, take it off, put it behind you.

The producer that helped you up the stairs said that? Who is that? Is that Colt? Is that you? You're giving these people fun?

The professionals take it out of the mic. stand. You being creepy over there, dude? This is a little insight to how scary that back tunnel can be. Someone gets rushed over.

They have to cross two streets. They're literally like, oh, fuck. So I'm definitely going up, right? These people, you must, I should interview you sometime.

Look, look how afraid he was to get fired. Tony was like, what guy did this? And the guy's like, I didn't know. Oh, please. It wasn't him in his defense.

Oh shit. Wait, was that you or her? That was me.

41.

. What made you start comedy at 41?. Gosh, a feeling. It was just like inside. Like.

I just felt the need to do it. I did.

That was menopause.

I've followed comedy for years. I've written things down. I've always enjoyed it. I've gone to many, you know, open mics. I've never done any schooling.

Talk into the microphone if you have all this experience.

Wow. Okay. Here I am. So what do you do for work, Molly? HR.

HR. Oh, my goodness. You do comedy like an HR person. That's incredible. Raisins and potato salad.

I'm like, what? What, a, what? Like, who does that? And why would you? And stop that.

That's my time.

And somehow wilding out has to do with this.

She's going to kill on Facebook groups, though. Oh yeah. Every HR person is going to be like one of us.

Fuck yeah. The little red machine. Molly Matlage. You're a true ginger. This seems through and through.

There's no fake in that, right? My mom's 80%. 80%, ginger? Okay. How does that work?

No, 80% retard.

No, uh, so, uh, okay. You work in HR. What do you do for fun? Tell us about the wild side of Molly. That's what I wanted.

Am I right? Doesn't she seem a little too fucking cookie cutter? Tell us what's one of the wildest things Molly does on a regular basis. Well, one thing I thought you might think was fun was, uh, I love rap. Texas rap.

Very well versed. Get the fuck out of here. Very well versed. I feel like you only sing the parts where they say the N word. No.

You can probably play anything. The reverse light filter. She just gets excited to sing. Like Maroon.

Do you, can you think you could free style? Oh, like Salt-N-Pepa at most. Like maybe, but that's it. Wait, what? Like Salt-N-Pepa, Salt-N-Pepa.

What about Salt-N-Pepa? She's talking about Red Band's hair. You know Texas rap. She's still talking about things to put in the potato salad. There's no rapping.

I can't rap. I can, I can repeat some lyrics.

That's about it. What was their fucking? It's not no scrubs. They're a fucking. But I do.

I mean, I probably sing along to a lot of the songs. What a man, what a man, what a man. Oh, I know, rap. What a man, what a, what a mighty good man. This is me with some Texas rap.

Yeah. Who's ready to rap, everybody? Welcome to, welcome to White Raps with Molly Malich. She saw an episode of Wild N' Out once and she's never been the same since. Oh my, what's Molly gonna rap about today?

What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. Yes, he is. Indeed, he was.

What do you mean? Salt-N-Pepa? She's having 90s fucking. How is that Texas rap of a thing like that? It's definitely not.

I thought she was gonna like sipping on some syrup or something like that. What kind of Texas rap are you talking about? Well, like Big Mo, ESG, Slim Thug. Like I, have photos with them on 6th Street. Big Mo, rest in peace.

But like I, legitimately, Swisha House.

I'm gonna poe one out for him.

Holy shit, Molly. Tell us more about this urban lifestyle of yours. I'm into Texas, rap, Salt-N-Pepa, and a good time. R.I.P. to all the homies that have passed on before me.

I roller skate. You roller skate? Now that I fucking believe. The Texas rap thing, she had a fucking boyfriend. Should have opened with the roller skating.

Yeah, roller skating's much more believable. I can picture you, you skate backwards. You like, do crazy shit. That's still pretty black. Yeah, that is true.

I've seen the videos. You ever been with a black man? They really like gingers. Oh yeah, you have? Oh, look at this.

That's where this is coming from. Hell. yeah. Fuck, yeah. Is that your type?

Is that your main go-to? It probably was more... Are you gonna say a phase?

It bled through.

. A lot? That hurt my feelings. and I'm Puerto Rican. Well, no, like majority were black.

is I guess what I meant to say, excuse me. What? Majority were black when I was younger and growing up.

Maybe I'm not answering the question. Okay, when's the last time you were with a black man? Oh, shit. More specifically, a blind baseball.

Fuck.

She's got red hair, D. What are your thoughts about redheads?

All the same to me.

Can you tell if someone's redheaded, D? Is there like a sense or something? You ever feel that? or just no? No.

All right. No, but he likes music, so he knows she has no soul. All right, get back over there. You're creeping everybody out. He doesn't know.

you're next to him. Molly, before I let you go, you are a very interesting interview. You seem like a real human, like you still have a soul and everything.

What is the most trouble you've ever gotten in with the law? Fucking a black guy.

That's why that phase ended early. Got into a bit of a... Curfew violation when I was 13.. Oh my goodness. Rode in the cop car.

Holy shit. You crazy bitch. Fucking wild and out, am I right? Molly, fun times. Here's a little joke book.

Congratulations on your first time on this show. Have a great night. Molly Malich. Good catch, by the way. Good, first time, really.

Like, for a first time. Come on, make some noise for Molly, everybody.

All right. Keeps going on. Your next bucket pool. I do believe we've seen this young man before. Make some noise for the great Trey Campbell, everybody.

Trey Campbell.

Hey,

everybody. I've been getting a lot of ads on Facebook for things I don't need. Mainly for free HIV testing. I don't understand why I'm getting this. I haven't been with a dude since I was seven.

Shit's crazy. It happened the day before Thanksgiving. I can tell you what I wasn't thankful for.

That. I had to watch the whole Macy's Day parade standing up.

Shit sucked. He told me, he was like, yeah, man, this is what you do when you're in a relationship. And, by God, when I lost my virginity, I got pegs. So I guess that he was right. This is just trauma.

I'm not even telling jokes anymore. Anyways, I'm very nervous. I'm not drunk. So yeah, you know, it's crazy. I hooked up with this girl.

Oh, shit. All right. Go ahead. You hooked up with this girl on what? It's just.

I hooked up with this girl on Facebook dating and we went to dialysis.

You're adorable, Trey Campbell. How about a hand for Trey, everybody?

William Montgomery, if he was a parade float. Thank you.

Let's just jump right into it. Louis J. Gomez. Give it up. Give it up for Molly's son, everyone.

That is my mom, actually. We are at 100% ginger bucket pulls. This is incredible. This has never happened before. There you go.

You know what that sound means, everybody? Multiple redheads. There you go. I love it. Hello.

Welcome back to the show, Trey. You've been on a couple of times before. This is my third time. Right. And you did some fun stuff with William early on.

Had a great time. I was really high on Adderall. And now you're doing stand up all the time. How long have you been doing stand up? About a year and a half.

You love it? Yeah, it's pretty cool. What else do you do? How do you make money? I work at the secret group sometimes.

What do you do there? I'll stand by the door and check people's IDs. And they think I'm not working there. Because you look at me, I kind of look like a bridge troll. But you know.

You look like something, that's for sure. Kim Conga. Thank you, I appreciate it. You look like a bridge troll, a Reddit troll. I like that.

you're dressed the same way you were the day you got molested. Thank you. No, yeah. It's adorable. Clothes fits perfectly.

I can tell you what didn't fit perfectly.

Fucking Trey Campbell. It's the guy's cock, right? Shit is crazy. The guy's cock? Yeah.

Yeah, his penis. What kind of penis are you working with, Trey Campbell? What is it? Does it match the drapes? Does it look like a fucking clown?

I'm actually like, no, yeah, it does. I was trying to think of something funny to say, but I didn't. No, yeah. I'd imagine a lot of pubes. Am I right?

Does it like peek out like your hair does? Just fucking like. A little bit. It's kind of like a miniature version of like my actual head. Imagine Louis CK in fetal position.

It's a funny cock.

Trey. Always getting laughs. What else haven't we talked about? in an interview? You must have thought of some stuff since the last time you were on.

that might be fun to share. Yeah, man, it's been crazy. Like I had somebody notice me at Kroger from this show, and I was really excited because I thought he was going to let me shoplift.

He didn't.

He didn't let me shoplift. I gotcha. I gotcha. How far did you commit to the shoplifting thing? I was like, hey, can I keep these?

And he was like, no. Yeah. Wow. I'm like the worst criminal ever. Yeah.

Hey, I'm going to leave with this if it's all right. Is it all right? It was not all right. Hell yeah. What was it?

It was just a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers.

You know what? You're not a, he's just a shitty fan. That's all that means. Yeah, fuck that guy. Yeah, you're not a bad shoplifter.

Hope he gets fired. The fact that you added a plural to Dr. Pepper is incredible. It's a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers.

It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. There's 24 Dr. Peppers in the box. All I wanted was 24 Dr. Peppers.

They're expensive. now. You're cute. You're like a fucking, like some type of fuck. I don't even know why he's like an Ewok or something like that, right?

Thank you. Holy shit. I appreciate it. My God. You ever use this cuteness or adorability for fucking to get good things other than a 24 pack of Dr.

Peppers? Well, um, no. I should. You should. You should go one Dr.

Peppers at a time. Yeah. Mind, if I have this can of Dr. I bet if you said that, if you said the full name to them, they'd be like, fucking. get out of here.

Yeah, go ahead. You mind, if I have this can of Dr. Peppers?

I should have. Fuck yeah. This is fun. Hell yeah. What's your love life like?

Not great. Tell us more. What are you into? Um, I, just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know.

It's the saddest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Thank you. And I just watched Molly's one minute. That's my mom. Wow.

When's the last time you were with a woman, Trey? Um, probably about three weeks ago. Where was that? In Houston? No, it was in Port.

Well, yeah, sorta. It was in Porter, Texas. Uh oh. Anybody here from Porter? What are you, from the census?

I've done a lot of those. All right, Trey. Well. How's moving to, uh, Austin? now?

You said you're gonna move to Austin. Yeah, that's my goal. Um, you know, my cruise is pretty comfortable. Your what? My Chevy Cruze.

We talked about this last time, remember? I thought you were pluralizing the word crew. The Cruze. My Cruze are doing good. We're drinking Dr.

Peppers. Uh, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show Thursday, if you can. I'll be there, man. You know what they got there. Dr.

Peppers. High ceilings-es. High ceilings-es. Yeah, my comedy career is similar to the ceilings at Sunset Strip. I got a high ceiling.

I almost called it Sunset. Shit. I never even thought of that before.

That's a Freudian slip. It's a more accurate name. There's no strips there, that's for sure. All right. So, Trey, you got a gig out of it.

You already have joke books, right? Yeah, I got one. There you go. Oh, the big one? Yeah.

Good. There you go. It's Trey Campbell, everybody. Thanks, Tony. Goodbye.

You're welcome, buddy.

We had a really good times up here.

All right. Let's do another bucket pool. One word name. Very exciting. Make some noise for Longoria, everybody.

Longoria.

All right.

It's been a rough start of the year. For one, I found out that my upstairs neighbor is not so much of a pussy crushing womanizer I have grown to admire from a distance. He's just been married for a while and beats his wife a lot.

You laugh, but he killed her yesterday.

I found out that people with Down syndrome can actually get a driver license and some of them can drive pretty good, which sucks, because now I don't know what to call Asian drivers anymore.

And I've been dating this girl, who has a very stinky pussy.

But because it's very stinky, it's also very tight. So I figured if plants can grow and dogs can roam in the streets of Chernobyl, I can learn to love this stinky bitch.

That's my time. Boom. Exactly a minute. Longoria. I do believe this is your first time on this show, correct?

I think I'd remember if a Dagestani wrestler came in here to do something. Holy shit, dude. What ethnicity are you? I mean, I don't mean to drop the bomb on you, but I'm... Oh, shit.

I'm half Mexican and half Arab. Oh, okay. So, boom, bitch. What the fuck is going on? This place is out of control.

Ew. You said half Mexican first, which I find interesting. You tried to throw us off and then we're like, yeah, what about the other half? And that's where you just said Arab. It's a very broad answer.

What's the other half? Oh, that's it. Mexican and Arab. But what kind of Arab? Oh, Egyptian.

Sure.

That's what they told you to say. Egyptian Lebanese. I call those the whites of Arabs. Good answer. Very smart to pick the only acceptable Arabs.

Yeah.

. Says you. That's what I meant, you fucks.

Longoria, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, this is my third time. Wow. How old are you? I'm 32..

Okay, tough questions. What do you do for a living? I work with dogs. You what? I work with dogs.

You work with dogs? Yeah. Okay. He delivers them to Hans' camp.

Okay, it's door-dashing that case. It is vague the way he said that. I work with dogs. What do you do? You stuff them with Arab bombs?

Now, what is it? Come on, what do you do with dogs? It's a call center. I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve.

What the fuck is going on?

I train them. I bathe them. I sell dog food. I'm like a nutritionist as well. Just anything to do with dogs.

How long have you been doing that for?

Just a while. Just something I've always done. What's wild to you? I don't know, like close to two decades. Like almost 20 years, I guess.

You're like a homeless dog, whisperer.

Something like that. I work with a lot of rescues and unwanted dogs and I fix them up and find them homes. You fix them up? I have four dogs right now. Wow.

I believe you. Yeah. I'm like a scary dog. dude. What do your neighbors think of this fucking dog trafficking business that you're running?

I don't know. You have roommates? No, it's just me. Wow. You're able to pay for yourself.

Fuck yeah, dude. From this dog stuff? Yeah. Well, it's not just that. I also, like, I sell collectibles online.

There it is. Yeah? What kind of collectibles are we talking about? I'm from the valley, bro. I got a lot of hustles.

Stick up here. Let's not, don't cross the border and talk like Michael Gonzalez right now. I can tell half of you is leaning that way.

The fuck were we just talking about? What are the collectibles? Like phone kabobs and sports cards and stuff like that. Just like toys and shit. No, it's just something I picked up during COVID.

And what's the most profitable thing you've ever sold? Give us the fucking, what do you pay for it? What'd you sell it? for? Phone kabobs.

I bought one. for, what are you saying? A phone kabob. That's Eric, for phone kabobs. Oh, I thought he was saying fun kabobs.

I was like, those sound delicious. What the fuck's a phone kabob? I'm sorry, dude. I'm just nervous. Oh, I don't know what, I'm nervous.

I signed up for a show, now I'm on it. What the fuck is going on over there? Keep your panic attacks to yourself. Stay in the pocket here. I'm not nervous.

I'm not nervous. I love this. This is what the guys were like on the plane on 9-11.. They're just trying to play it cool.

Some shady shit going on over here, dude. You ever think about doing a terrorist attack? Because there's just a half of you. that's like, I could see why. All right, well, how would you do it?

Very carefully.

That's a good fucking answer. That's a good fucking answer. That's exactly how Osama bin Laden thought.

I love the fact that he leans into the whole terrorist. look too, dude. You're not religious, right? You don't have to do this. No, I don't get any virgins at the end of this.

It's just eternal darkness. He just fucks himself 72 times.

Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? No, it's pretty solid.

Good question, Red Band. It's just cheaper to not shave.

But you said very confidently that you live alone. How much money are we making from this dog business? How do you have your own place? I work at Petco, dude. I make shit from that.

I just.

. Wait a minute, you work at Petco? Yeah. You're not in the dog business, dude. Yeah, you totally made it look like you have your own fucking...

I do. It's just like on the side. It's not like a full thing right now. I just moved here a few months ago, so I'm trying to get it going. You're fucking hustling a backdoor business at Petco?

Have you been thinking about getting rid of this dog? I got a job. It's a comb. I don't know why I went with a comb, but I'm picturing a comb. Do you find the dogs to be annoying sometimes?

Do you dance when that music comes on like that? Yes, I do. all the time. He's fucking trafficking dogs.

I have a dog business. What do you want? I work with dogs. The fuck. was that?

All right, anything else crazy. we should know about you before I let you go?

Oh, fuck. I'm probably going to think about it as soon as I walk out of here. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy? I write parody music. Really?

Yes. Okay, who is that? Is that you? I thought it was Bob. Okay.

to the tune of what? What kind of parody music? Okay, but just so you know, I don't sing. well. I just write.

We know. Let's focus on the lyrics. You don't fucking talk. well. There's no way you're going to start enunciating to music.

Shit, fuck. Just to let you know, I do not sing. very well. You might be surprised by this. I work with dogs.

I'm going to regret this. Okay, to the tune of what? Do you have a whole fucking band that can play anything right here, right now? They're going to lose their street cred, but... You know, Bad Day?

What? Bad Day. Literally, nobody knows that song. Some white guy with a beanie. Had a bad day.

Had a bad day. That song? Yes, that song. Okay, what the fuck? All right.

Is that what you play before your terrorist attack?

Yes. Oh, they got that very quickly. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Fuck, wait. This really is a professional band. Wait, that's it? Is that it?

Okay, okay. You think they're wrong?

I'm so impressed that they pulled that out just now.

Okay, jump in whenever you want. Okay.

I watched the whole thing happen. D had enough. He's like, what's going on? I am singing my parody.

I'm not a very good singer. I don't understand beats, rhythm, or timing. But anyway, other than that, you might like. I said I'd just write him, dude. Jeff died.

I think that went way better than I thought it was going to, though. Of course.

That's what happens. That's what happens. I fucking keep digging until I find one fucking interesting thing about somebody. I gotta give this guy credit. He's technically a little talented.

It was his third time doing stand-up comedy.

Longoria. The Kill Tony debut of Longoria. And now we are rewarded with one of our great regulars on this show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's an absolute fucking sensation. The goddamn thriving, up-and-coming young superstar.

Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson.

I was doing a show a couple nights ago, and there was a dude in the front row. He was just giving me this death stare. Everybody else was enjoying it. He was just like, nigga, what the fuck?

But he was just like, nigga, I hate you. The whole time, he just wouldn't break or wouldn't crack a smile. He told the end of my set, I was like, hey, man, what do you do for work, bro? He was like, I'm a cop. And I was like, that's why you don't like me.

That makes sense. That makes perfect sense. And then, by my last joke, I finally got him to laugh. I finally got him to crack open and smile. And after that, I said, hey, man, did you have a good time?

He said, I really enjoyed it. I was like, did you have a good enough time? If you pulled me over at 3 o'clock in the morning, I was blackout drunk. I got four prostitutes in the back seat. Two pounds of weed.

A Glock with a switch on it. Would you let me go? He was like, you, so funny. I let you go. I was like, nigga, you was a terrible police officer.

You supposed to shoot me, bitch. Repeat after me. Assault or guns? All right, that's my time. Boom.

59 seconds from Cam Patterson.

Fuck, yeah. I did it again. Hell yeah. That was one, huh? Yeah.

You guys all know Cam, international, superstar, Cam Patterson. Cam's fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah. What's going on this week? Anything crazy?

Man, for the last two weeks, I was very sad. Because I thought I had herpes.

It was just the ingrown hair, so I was good. But I was very nervous. I got tested. Just chlamydia, again. We winning.

There you go.

Clean dick.

Oh my God, we should call him Clam Patterson.

I think that was a crime, what he just did to that lady, actually. You shut the fuck up, white man.

You watch her boyfriend, think about how big Cam's dick is. Oh yeah. The poor guy's just like, oh no. Look, he's sweating. Yeah.

Oh no. Wait, that's a withering? I had it that day. Cam, fuck my girl.

Wait, I don't think that's the right beat.

I love it. So how long did you go with the ingrown hair until you took the test? About two weeks, I think. Oh yeah, that's scary. About two weeks.

Right after he cornrowed it.

I did do that. That was bad. Do black people ever do anything like that? Is that a tradition? Do they have any pubic?

Yes. What do you do, John? What do you got down there? You got fucking candy cornrows? What's happening?

What?

Oh. He realized he's talking to a room full of white people.

I ain't fucking nobody. He's a better guy than me.

A philanthropist. Yeah. When we was in Vancouver, it was like two hoes that were like, I want to fuck you. And I was like, I don't think you should. I don't think it's a good idea for your health right now.

Yeah. And I thought about it deeply. I thought about it deeply. I should have did it.

I love it. Pain. That's what that is. See my face? Pain.

Did you get the hair out? Did you pop it? And, like, it, had a little baby hair thing that was all twirled up. Was that like a messed up, did you look at the hair when you pulled it out? Yeah, I was fucking, did I smell it, Redman?

Yeah, you always smell it. Redman smells everything. Did you also eat it, Redman? No, no, no, no, no, no. I unfold it and look at it.

I get a lot of ingrown hairs. I'm hairy. Disgusting. Wow. This is another episode of Disgusting Redman with Disgusting Redman.

Brought to you by Disgusting Redman and only enjoyed by Disgusting Redman. And we're back to kill Tony. Uh, I love it. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we need to know about?

Oh, I got, I got these two. I called them my two girlfriend, but they did two sluts I knew. Ooh, schlutz. Yeah, schlutz.

Jeff, say schlutz. Uh, schlutz. There it goes. That sounded Jewish.

Oy, vey, I found these schlutz down the street. Some real giver-uppers. Just putting it out there. I saw the coin purse.

An underground railroad, if you will.

Anything else for Cam, guys? Killing it. Thriving. Headlining. Major tours.

Out on the road with me. We're having so much fun. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody?

Great minute every week. Great interview every week. And the fun goes on. Back to the bucket. we go.

You guys, hanging in there?

Make some noise for your next bucket pull. We're going to meet them all together. It's Matt Hart, everybody. Matt Hart is next.

Been having kind of a weird day. Somebody asked me if I was born a man or a woman.

What the fuck?

I was born a baby.

Who's giving birth to fully grown people?

I used to date a girl with a shopping addiction. Yeah, she would not stop buying heroin.

Yeah, it's kind of sad. She actually shopped till she dropped.

I don't know why I did that. I'm Jewish.

Yeah, I actually got made fun of for being Jewish when I was a kid. People would throw a penny on the ground. And they'd be like, are you going to pick that up, Jew? And I mean, I picked it up. But it's not because I'm Jewish.

It's because if you take that penny and invest it, then over time with compound interest.

It's a pretty good financial decision. There you go, Matt Hart. Welcome to the show, Matt.

I started in upstate New York and I moved here like two years ago. Okay, I love it. You moved to Austin two years ago. Yes, yeah. Hell, yeah.

Where you been this whole time? Have you signed up for the show before? Yeah, this is, I think, like the 90th time I've signed up. Are you serious? Holy shit.

And it's your first time on, right? Yeah, yeah. That's fucking amazing. That's how weird the fuck it is. It doesn't make any goddamn sense.

So welcome, welcome. My God, 90 times. Is this how you pictured it? What's different? It's honestly amazing.

Actually, I'm less nervous than I thought I was going to be. There you go. Oh, I hate that cockiness. That's where the five years of experience gets you. That's for sure.

It looks like John Gamos.

He's deceivingly handsome, because from this angle, when you turn your face to the side, you look like a fucking goober. Yeah. But from the front, you're beautiful. I'm like, oh my God.

How gross you are from the pro? Look at, ew, right? Come on, fuck you. One second, he's disgusting. And the next, he's Ben Shapiro, everybody.

Never seen a more fucking masculine man in my life. That's a handsome guy. Am I crazy? I don't know. Lewis, that's just a dude with a mother.

There's something ultra attractive about him.

Am I right? Is this not the best looking guy I've ever seen? All right. Yeah, this is the sound of Lewis J. Gomez's heart.

right now. Normally, I'm the fag. on the episode, Lewis. The man has a beautiful, don't tell me, he's got a beautiful fucking face. He's competing with Jeff Dine over here.

This is crazy. Are you into dudes? Me?

No, I have a fiancee. that's a lady. Yeah, what does she do? She is just a... A breadwinner.

Yeah, she's a therapist. So yeah, it's pretty much... Okay. What do you do? I'm a bartender right now.

Wow. On 6th Street? No, it's just like south of Austin, like an Oak Hill area. Okay. How long you been bartending?

Just since I moved here. This is my first service industry job. What were you doing before that? I used to work... I worked at the airport, a small airport, for like five years.

What did you do at the airport? Tell us. Tell us, Matt Hart.

Tell us what you did. It's okay. Tell us about the little airport. Okay. Little tiny airport.

It was the tiniest airport you've ever seen. In fact, it wasn't even for full-size airplanes. It was actually for remote control airplanes. And all they had to drink there was 24 packs of Dr. Peppers.

It was the littlest airport you've ever seen. It was for mostly paper airplanes, actually.

All right. Here he is. Damn, dude. Tony is out-alpha-ing you right now. You look like a bitch.

What? I out-alpha you five minutes ago, you faggot. Don't you remember? How did you forget that? It just happened.

You're overcompensating for it. You don't even realize it. Oh, you're okay now.

I mean, you pretty much nailed it, but it's like.

. Yeah, just a small airport, Albany. Just as tiny as could be. The smallest. My goodness.

Yeah. I feel like it's big for you, though. Yeah. I'll tell you, all the pilots had a hard time finding the airport. Because from up there in the sky, it was so tiny.

It was even tinier. when you're way up in the sky. I don't even have any help when I go in there. It's like, what am I going to do all alone in this airport?

Well, maybe if I had a friend, I could go to the airport alone. Maybe I could sign up for Kill Tony. 90 times. But I swear to God, if I don't get picked on that 91st time, I'm out of there for good. I'm going to go back to the tiny airport and make something out of myself.

They always said they wanted me back there. anyway. I'm going to give it 90 chances until I head back to the world's tiniest little airport that you've ever seen. Dude, don't let him get into your head. You're fucking hot, dude.

Ah.

One second, I'm out there. You know, one second, I'm guiding in the planes, these tiny little airplanes. And then, when they arrive, I helped them with their luggage. And I asked, do you want anything? Do you need anything?

Do you have a car service coming?

Would you like me to order an Uber for you? Welcome to the world's tiniest airport. I used to have to duck down when I would go inside because it was made for tiny people doing tiny things. Carry-ons only at this airport. Oh, boy, hope you didn't check any luggage.

If you did, I'm going to help you with that. OK, I'm really. You're making it sound stupid, but that's pretty accurate.

That's kind of what it's like.

You're a fucking funny guy.

Wow. I love it, Matt. So you live here full time. You do stand up a lot. What's the longest set that you have?

I've done about 20 minutes. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, if you want to. Now you're in the fold. And you got a big joke book. Boom.

Make some noise for Matt Hart, everybody. And a fantastic Kill, Tony debut.

Could be 90 more weeks until you see him again.

Oh.

No, he's not doing tonight. Another bucket pool. We having fun out there?

Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Shelby Boyd, everybody. Here we go. Shelby Boyd, everyone.

Make some noise for Shelby, everybody.

Really threw me off. But I have a couple of jokes for you about tortoises.

So my tortoise is like a piano. It'll kill you if it falls 50 feet under your head.

And honestly, I expected these jokes to last a little longer. So that's all I had for you.

Fuck yeah. Shelby Boyd, welcome. Hello. How recently did you escape from a mental hospital? Was it hours ago or?

Pretty recently, yeah. How's it going, Shelby? How long you been doing stand-up? About six months. Okay.

All of it here in Austin, Texas? In College Station. Okay. Up there near the Dixie Chicken. You know the Dixie Chicken?

Nope. You don't know what I'm talking about? No. But you said, yep. Yep.

Okay. Very good.

It's a giant bar there where everybody goes after Texas A&M games. I just so happen to be friends with one of the greatest college football players and football players of all time, the great Johnny Manziel, Texas' own. Make some noise for Johnny Manziel, everybody.

I do have a tortoise. How big is it?

About that big. Okay. I saw this on an episode of Love on the Spectrum. He broke up with her, right? Well, tell us more about this tortoise.

How did you get into the tortoise? Is this a snake addiction or something? How do you get to tortoises?

They live a long time. It's pretty hard to take care of. What do you have to do? You have to feed them once a day.

No, it is you, though. You love your tortoise? I do. Hell yeah. There you go.

Don't fucking disrespect this woman's tortoise. She's obviously, you know. My bad. I have a thing with female comedians.

It's a problem. Shelby, what do you do for a living? I'm a marine marine biologist. You're what? What?

A marine marine biologist. You're a marine? Yes. Marine? Yes.

Biologist. Yes. I'm a comedian. comedian. Thank you.

So you work for the marines. You're a marine. I am a marine. And in the marines, your role is being a marine biologist, or that's two separate things? Two separate things.

So you're a marine and you're also a marine biologist. Yes. You're not a marine marine biologist. I am. Well, no, you're a marine and you're also a marine biologist.

If you were a marine marine biologist, that means you would put on camo, go to a base and then study fucking underwater animals. Sorry, got bad news for you, but you don't do that. That's a fucking separate thing. I can put on camis if I wanted. And you're also, in addition to being a marine, you are also and a marine biologist.

That's two of my careers.

OK.

Shelby, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of girl likes to crack a good can of Mountain Dews.

No way. Yeah.

You identify as a tortoise. We know you're kind of boring. She tells a story and the tortoise is like, please, I only have 300 more years. The tortoise is like, get me the fuck out of here.