#661 - TONY HAWK - HARLAND WILLIAMS - IAN FIDANCE
2024-04-30 01:54:05
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email [email protected] Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
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You guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Oh, boy.
Here we go. Where do I begin? Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of the man who people are saying is the 2024 guest of the year, the return of one of the great comedians from New York, with a brand new special coming out, and the greatest skateboarder of all time. I present to you Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk, and Ian Finance. Let's go.
Harlan Williams, Ian Finance, and Tony Hawk.
Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Yeah, kill Tony.
Let's go.
Harlan Williams.
Tony Hawk.
And Ian Finance.
Ian Finance's special Wild, Happy, and Free out April 21st at YouTube slash BeAnIanPod. Welcome back, Ian. How are you? Hey, all right.
I'm happy to be here, Tony. Thanks for having me.
Fuck yeah. The great and powerful Tony Hawk's first appearance on the show.
Thank you.
Thanks for the invite.
I thought this show was about me this whole time. It could be tonight. Anything can happen. And the return of who many are saying is the undeniable greatest guest in the history of.
the show.
This is Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, he's going to throw up.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Hey, oh, God.
I just want to say it's an emotional night for me to be here. I'm very happy to be here. My sister, as many of you know, is in the hospital tonight. And she finally got the brace off her eyes. And she was born, as we know, her eyes were really far apart, like a hammer.
Like a hammerhead shark. And well, maybe somebody better get on the fuck off bus.
Nobody laughs at old fucking hammerhead.
Well, laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully your sister's watching tonight.
She is watching from two different rooms.
And here we go.
You guys know how it works.
Tony Hawk's first time. So I'll tell you, Tony, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up. And you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I have pre-pulled the name. Our runner goes and grabs them from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on the world famous 6th Street. Dirty 6th.
Absolute chaos out here on these streets on a Monday in Austin. So they go chase that guy down. And they wrangle him, while our first performer, who does a brand new 60 seconds every single week, performs. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Silly, wild, a goddamn firestorm of energy.
It's real. He exists. I present to you a brand new minute from one of our greatest regulars, the great and powerful KC Rocket.
All right, I'll talk about it.
Well, Tony, you know, I've been training myself to inception people. And no matter how hard I try, I keep going into people's dreams and hooking up with that booger guy from the Musonex commercials.
And we both finish. It's not that.
We both finish. And I think I might be in love. And every time I start freaking out, what am I thinking? What am I thinking? Getting involved with this guy?
I got a fucking family, man.
I'm the editor of the New Yorker, for Christ's sakes.
And every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over.
Right on the square of my back.
And he sets me straight. He says, it's OK, baby.
I love you, baby.
And I just fall to pieces. Thank you. I'm KC Rocket.
Wow. Wow.
I feel like there was no jokes there. Just truth. Just a real sharing of a glimpse in the life of KC Rocket. Hello, KC. How do you feel tonight?
Awful.
Why do you feel awful? Stressed. Well, I got to tell you, I'm surprised you didn't acknowledge it. Maybe I missed it. Did you acknowledge the fact that your eyelashes are extremely plump and long tonight?
Oh, the eyelashes. I forgot. I probably look like I haven't seen my own bed in a couple days.
I'll tell you what. If you put pigtails in, you'd be the girl from Wendy's. How about that?
I'm not fucking around. Thank you.
No, it's true.
That's for real.
I see it. Been an awful week. I stopped being a door guy here. I graduated from being a door guy.
I've been really sad.
That's true.
The second ever door guy to retire with grace and following in the footsteps of the great Cam Patterson, every other door guy still waiting and hoping to figure out how to graduate from such a system.
You know what I'm a bit mystified about, though, Tony? As a door guy, and this may be a fault in your set, as a door guy, I didn't hear one fucking knock-knock joke.
I got a knock-knock joke. Let's hear it. Oh, knock-knock. Who's there?
It's me, baby.
I should have fucking known.
He's back.
I got a knock-knock joke.
Let's hear it.
Knock-knock. Who's there? The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's hair.
The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's hair, who?
Well, there's no ending. I'm not a...
What am I, a door guy? Fuck off.
Do you think this crowd actually knows REO Speedwagon? We're very old, Harlan.
Well.
I did, though. So...
You did?
Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah, you guys were around when Speedwagon's was the best way to travel.
So,
Casey, here you are staring down with long eyelashes, pure retirement of door guy-ism. And what are your plans moving forward? What are you going to do with all the free time that you have for yourself? That's a good question.
Well, I thought of a couple things.
Um.
My first plan, now that I'm not a door guy, is throw up in Fat Man and make all my friends clean it up.
My second plan, clear Chris Benoit's name by finding the real killer.
He's out there.
Third plan, fighting the lead singer of The Chicks, convince them to change their name back to The Dixie Chicks, then assassinate her for being racist.
And my final plan, impress Jodie Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress her. Wow, a lot of murdering going on. There's a couple murders in there, but I have free time. I've never... It's the first time I've ever seen a man with a sword in his hand.
Scroll with other paper on top of the scroll. Are you trying to reuse that scroll for something down the road, perhaps?
Scrolls aren't cheap.
That's a legitimate papyrus scroll. I stole it from the Louvre.
And they're furious. I love it. What else is going on, Casey?
Uh, making it big.
What the fuck? No, Casey, you go ahead. I thought I was supposed to get mad, too. It's all you, Casey. And here he goes, everybody.
I thought we were all going to get mad.
Um, I miss all of us getting mad. Me and the door guys used to get mad all the time. Oh. No, I won't be. Yeah, I have other plans.
Kiss 100, Colombian baddies in 100 minutes.
This is absolutely incredible. Ian, you've seen Casey Rocket before. You see him again. What do you think about all this?
I think he gets prettier every time.
It's incredible. It seems like some of the mascara, you kind of like hit your cheeks with it a little bit. I was tears. I was sobbing. I couldn't stop thinking about Greg.
And, uh, Greg Mucinex. And I was just back there, heir to the Mucinex fortune. I was fucking falling apart. Thank God, Jesus Joshi came. And he literally, quite like Christ, picked me up.
Yeah.
I'm not sure they knew who Christ was. That was good that you put it in context.
Did it again.
Oh, Jesus Christ. I, uh. Yeah, that's him.
That's where you would hit it.
There you go. Oh, there you go. Good stuff with the volume down. But just ready to, ready to get into my, head, into my 40s, with a, with a,
just with a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold. There you go. I'm only 29..
Can I just say?
I got time to go.
Can I just say the obvious about those eyes that I think everyone's kind of dancing around?
Yeah.
Like, I'd be honest. About 20 minutes ago, were you deep throating someone?
I don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that.
And in 20 minutes, do you want to be?
But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harlan's sister figure out what to do post-op.
You know, I am this close, this close to grinding a PF Chang lettuce wrap into your clit.
Whoa, someone knows how to get me fucking hot and heavy. I love that. PF Chang.
All right. Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show. What a special treat. Every goddamn week. Creative, wild.
We love you. There he is. Thank you. The regular Casey Rocket. And now, and only now, do we go to the bucket.
This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues. We all meet people all at the same time and it's all fucking wild. This is where we found all of our talents. It's where we found all the psychos. Anything can happen.
This is 60 seconds, uninterrupted by your first bucket. pull of the night. Bald Mike. Here we go.
Bald Mike.
How we doing, mothership?
Yeah, we keeping it right, huh?
All right. Well, yeah, they call me Bald Mike. It's not because I have cancer. I ain't dying. Don't worry.
I just got a little alopecia.
And it's come in handy sometimes. I got it when I was young. So I had like patches of hair and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible. But it really came in handy when my grandma died of all times.
My parents, after dealing with all the bullshit, they were like, you know what? Fuck it. Let's go to Disney World. And then, when I was a kid, I wasn't like, oh, yeah, Disney. I was just like, cool, an amusement park.
Let's go. Went, had a blast. It was a great time. But on the plane ride back, my parents were like, fuck it. Let's get loaded.
So they're just getting rum and coke, beers, all that bullshit left and fucking right. And the second or third drink that they got, the stewardess came up to my mom and was like, listen, honey, I know this sounds weird, but God told me that I need to give you a hug. And she's like, is the plane going down? What the fuck is happening?
Okay.
Stands up, you know, gives her the hug. And it wasn't until two weeks later that she realized like, oh, fuck, that's probably because they thought he was coming back from his Make-A-Wish trip from Disney World.
Dying ass.
Anyway, that's my time.
Okay. Bald Mike, this is a very hairy situation we have here. Looks like you could have shaved some of the words out of those setups.
Yeah, probably.
What do we think about this guy? I would roast him more, but it looks like he's already been roasted.
Tony Hawk. I like the punctuation with dying ass. It reminds us. Thank you.
Thank you.
It is incredible. I've never seen a full-size sea monkey before. This is absolutely incredible. I'm starstruck. Harlan Williams.
Well, I, uh, look, look, can we be honest? It didn't go great. Okay. And that's not a cut. Look, I'm here to mentor these guys.
And I wanted to bring this as the only comedian on the stage with a degree from DeVry in comedy. Oh.
Wow. Is that made from the same scroll K.C. Rocket used?
Sometimes there are little things you can do. And I'm going to mentor this kid here. Give me your last punchline of your last joke. And I'm going to show you a little something you can do to kind of pull the laughter from the crowd. And this is something Don Reinblatt taught me up at DeVry.
Okay.
Well, admittedly, I'm not a comic. I don't really have a ton of jokes. I just had that story. And of course, I ran it long.
Just tell me the last sentence.
Yeah.
He doesn't do comedy. He doesn't do improv very well either.
So I had a punchline. that was fat people architecture. But I couldn't figure out how to word it into a joke. If you could help me.
What? Just say the last sentence of the story you just said. Just say the last sentence of what you said. We are aware it wasn't funny. Say it again.
Gotcha.
It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized that, oh, shit, that might have been because they thought he was on his Make-A-Wish trip back from Disney World.
Okay. Now watch what I'm going to do for you here. And this is something I learned up at night school at DeVry.
It does say DeVry Night School, August 11, 2014.
. Don Reinblatt signed it. Here he is, Harlan Williams, fixing bald mics, non-existent punchline.
So sometimes, when things are so silent, you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart.
What you do, and this is what they taught me, you pull a goofy face. So I'm going to do your last line and watch. So my parents said this might be my takeaway trip to Disneyland.
Damn, that's amazing.
I'm not fucking finished.
So do you get it now, you little whore?
I love it. Absolutely incredible.
Amazing. Bald Mike, you say you're not a comedian. What made you sign up for the show tonight? Why are you here? Where'd you come from?
You live here?
No, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska. I'm a huge fan of the show. And part of the reason I wanted to come up here was I was going to see if you could come up with any new roasts for me. The sea monkey one I haven't heard before, but I've got a couple of favorites I've heard in the past.
Well, why don't you do some of the jokes that people have made about you? That sounds fun. And then I'll know what I can eliminate off of my list. Because I have a lot here that are head and shoulders above anything you have.
But you go ahead.
Let's hear some of your best ones, so that you don't call me a hack afterwards.
Fair enough, fair enough. Well, so there was this one time I was smoking with a bunch of my buddies in my friend's apartment and we were smoking a blunt. It got to the end of it. And my one buddy who's black, it was him and his girlfriend. He's hitting the very end of it.
And he hands me the roach. He's like, damn, bro, that's kind of a fat roach. Here you go. And at this point in my life, I was just saying like, boy, you look like a to whatever it was. So I hit him with, boy, you look like a fat roach.
And I hit the blunt. And he said, man, shut the fuck up.
You look like my kneecap.
Do the goofy face. Do the goofy face.
Yeah.
That is art, ladies and gentlemen. DeVry. You're a guru. 10 years and running.
Yeah.
DeVry comedy night school. Yeah. I'm just glad I can help. Your black, your black friend said you look like his kneecap. Yeah.
Were you more tan?
No. Maybe the bottom of his foot perhaps.
His palm, maybe. So this is something you've always wanted to do. Just come out and bomb on. Kill Tony. What do you do for a living?
I do screen printing. So I put shit like this on a T-shirt.
Okay. You have a face for screen printing.
That's for sure. No doubt about it.
He looks like a hairless cat. you wish would be over his nine lives.
It is incredible. Has anybody ever sharpied eyebrows on you?
Can I, can I do that?
Is that okay? I'll let you do it.
Yeah.
Shut up.
Absolutely incredible. Oh, my pen slipped on your forehead a little bit. It says gay.
God damn it. But I did.
I gave you the people's eyebrow in honor of The Rock being at Wrestlemania this weekend.
That's a stellar eyebrow.
Oh,
it's much harder now.
That's called goofy gay right there.
Hell, yeah, dude.
Casey Rockets going to put some eyelashes on you. You're going to be a whole different guy by the end of the night. I love this. We're going to have, D-Madness, give you a mustache. It's going to be fantastic.
I love it. Do us a favor. Don't wipe that off tonight.
What, do you think? this guy showers?
Get out of here.
What's the point?
Can you smell what I smell like?
Imagine how clean his shower drain must be.
No hair.
That was my joke, you fucking idiot.
Jesus Christ, almighty. Dude, dude, go light.
He's gay, really?
I know.
Ian, give him some powder. Oh, you know what's funny? Is, you know, this started a few weeks ago. For some reason, Bones Eye started making one joke book that is made of actual hair.
Whoa.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big joke book tonight, even though everything about you is terrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Bald Mike. There he goes.
Crazy. I don't know what he thought was going to happen during that minute, but.
All right, here we go. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian. Josie Marcelino.
Josie Marcelino. Here we go.
I'm autistic and bisexual like every other annoying bitch now.
It's a one-to-one ratio. If you have autism, you're bisexual. They don't explain why, but I have a theory. I think it's because pussy is like the coolest fidget spinner you could ever get your hands on. And just like a real fidget spinner, I don't really know how they work, but I will put my whole mouth on it.
I said that joke to my coworker the other day and she liked it. She laughed. It was fine. But then she just looked at me and she was like, oh, and she was like, but are you, you're not going to, you're going to say that on stage? Isn't your dad coming to the show?
And I was like, first of all, no. Do I look like someone with a supportive father? No, I don't. I look like the pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That's what I fucking look like.
Homeless guy told me that yesterday, which was crazy.
I was like, how do you know?
What was she on? Like the front cover of your blanket? Like, how do you know who the fuck that is? Would you run into her? Thank you.
Josie Marcellino making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. Excited to have you here. This is, uh, this makes three comedians in a row with drawn on eyebrows. This is very exciting.
This is the first in Kill Tony history. You would think 11 years, the tens of thousands of bucket pulls. This must've happened before. Never before. Welcome to the show.
Thank you. You have an incredible energy to you. What do you do for a living?
I am an associate producer of a TV show.
Oh, wow.
I signed an NDA, so I don't like to get into like specifics of it, but yeah.
Love on the spectrum, we know. Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So autistic and bisexual, is that true?
That is true.
What are some of your autistic traits?
I know every country's flag and I'm really into them. Really? Yeah.
Okay. How about Trinidad and Tobago?
It's a red and white striped diagonal flag.
Wow.
Yeah.
Absolutely incredible. How about the transgenders?
What, like their flag or like just them in general? What do I think?
Either one.
It's a win-win situation.
Well, the flag is the cool, you know, it's the blue and the white and the pink, and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.
Everything's fine. No, I love them.
I love them. Yes.
All right. Hell, yeah. Absolutely. Ian?
It looks like you're wearing a flag.
Thank you. Slovakia, am I correct? Is that close?
No, no. It's more of a red flag.
Oh, it is Trinidad and Tobago, actually. Red band, flip that around, show the people. That's incredible. It actually is. Look at that.
Holy shit. Actually, it's similar. Yeah. What are the odds?
Wow.
It was a trick. all along. I knew the flag of Trinidad and Tobago and I... All right. Okay.
Autistic and bisexual. Who... If you had to guess, I always ask the bisexual people this. Are you 50-50?? What do you...
Do? you have a preference? Is there one, when you get drunk, that you gravitate towards? What's the deal with their bisexuality? I've never understood it before.
What were you gonna.
. Oh, you look like you had a follow-up.
Oh, go ahead.
I think for me, like, sexual attraction, 50-50.
. But like in terms of relationships, it's mostly guys.
Why do you think that is?
I'm a nightmare. I can't have a second one of me. That's crazy.
If you're autistic and bisexual, does that mean you don't make eye contact when you eat pussy?
Yeah, never. Absolutely. And that's the best part about it. You just go down there and do your business. Are you making eye contact when you eat pussy?
Yes. That's horrible.
Do you have any.
No, you gotta make Harlan's face.
I got bad news for you, buddy. You're eating them upside down.
Watch.
Well, if you're gonna laugh.
As an autistic person, have we, and I hope some of you, have we seen any of your works anywhere?
No, that's artistic, Percy. I don't...
So.
Josie, where do you live?
I live in Philly.
Philly? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Have you always lived there?
Uh, no. I'm originally from a little small town in Northern Maryland.
Oh, cream cheese?
Yes, that is where I'm from.
What does the flag look like? Cream cheese, Maryland.
Well, it's Philly cream cheese.
Oh.
I need to go to DeVry night school.
Okay, I love it. So what do you... How long have you been doing stand-up?
About 18 months in total.
18 months. Okay, you count it off like it's a baby or something.
Yeah, it is my baby.
Okay, you love it.
I do.
You do it a lot?
Yes.
All right. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire 18-month career? What's your, like, night of success? Like, what happened? What was your favorite night of comedy ever?
What happened?
I mean, I've done the last two, Skankfest, and that was really fun. Both of those shows were amazing. So I had a lot of fun there. Yeah, I've also... You know, there's just different clubs in, like, D.C., Maryland, and Philly, and those are the places I've been, so...
I love it.
Yeah.
I love it. Absolutely. You have any special skills or talents or anything other than stand-up?
I make costumes.
Oh. Like, a lot of them.
Like, I do, like, 31 every year for Halloween. Is that fucking Tony Hawk?
Whoa! You are authentic! Holy shit! Yeah.
Holy shit!
She wasn't lying! Wait.
Wow. You just got to watch her bisexuality disappear in real time.
Oh, my god. Was that part of your act? It was.
That was.
. The flag for slow ed.
Ask your mother.
I don't know.
Whoa!
Oh, my god.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
I don't know what's happening.
She is from Philadelphia!
I, too, am autistic, and you just made me have an organ. Thank you.
Fuck yeah. Josie, what's something we would be shocked to know about you, about your entire life? Anything crazy of any... I've lost 75 pounds.
That's kind of fun. Oh, wow.
Yeah! Wow.
I was going to say, because she looks very sexy, but you're also a little, you know, husky. Yeah.
I still got the skin. Don't worry. It's there.
You wake up in the morning and punch canoes.
Yeah.
What?
How did you.
How did you lose the weight, Josie?
I just put down the fork. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's really... That's what it is.
You just count your calories and then eat less than you burn.
Counting calories is easy when you're autistic. Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Josie, anything else crazy? we should know about you before we let you go?
You and I have the same birthday.
Oh, wow. Me, you, and Kanye West, then.
Yeah, June 8th.
Absolutely.
Gemini, the twins.
There you go. No doubt about it.
You look like you were eaten by your twin in the womb.
Okay.
All right, bitch. Wow!
Whoa!
For someone that lost a lot of weight, she sure is hungry for more. Yeah.
I love it.
Can I ask one question? Because I'm an ink guy. I love ink, Tony. I love... Do you have tattoos?
Well, I didn't ask to see them.
I fully thought you meant pens. when you said ink. I was like, oh, somebody else is autistic too. That's cool.
Well, I just told you I was when I had an orgasm 30 seconds ago. Keep talking, there's a second one on the way.
Can I change seats?
But I noticed you have a little tattoo on your arm. there, my love. What is the significance? We're all curious.
It's a stand-up tattoo. I got it done at Skank Fest. They have tattoo artists there. And so I got that done this year.
What is it, though? It's a very odd... It's the stool and the mic. Oh, it's a stool and mic. Isn't that funny when people want to hear shit talk?
Oh, stool and a mic. Stool and mic. Look, guys.
Fuck off.
Josie Marcellino, very fun stuff. A good enough set for a big joke book, I do believe. A fun interview. Congratulations. There you go, Josie Marcellino.
All right, you get it. We're in it now. Our third bucket pull of the night has been pulled. A one-word name. Always interesting.
Let's see what happens here. Ooh, I love it. Hell yeah. How about a hand for the band again, huh?
And also make some noise for your next comedian.
60 seconds from Helena, everybody. Helena is next on Kill Tony live here in Austin, Texas.
So my older brother is a teacher. now. I've never known less in my life. This guy was trying to convince me the other day that slavery was bad. Dog, that was peak America.
We're still chasing that high. If you think that money can't buy happiness, you need to reconsider slavery.
Imagine having the fattest stack of greenbacks at the auction. They bring out David Lucas. The biggest three-fifths anyone's ever fucking seen.
I mean, I would buy the hell out of that guy in the olden days. Nowadays, all you get is kids. And all the cute colors are always sold out. Thanks, Obama.
Okay, Helena.
Helena.
Thank you for joining us. Must have been a long trip to get here from the Civil War.
What the fuck?
How did you get here? Via REO Speedwagon?
Some real high-brow comedy there as we continue the streak.
Motherfucker said, thanks, Obama.
This is indeed the fourth comedian in a row with drawn-on eyebrows. If you had that on your Kill Tony bingo card, if you bet at DraftKings, the sportsbook app, if you bet $1 on four comedians in a row with drawn-on eyebrows, you just won $3.5 billion. All you needed was $1 to win $3.5 billion. That's at the DraftKings sportsbook app. now.
Holy shit. Where? Okay, Harley, go ahead.
It's refreshing to see comedy with a KKK.
She looks like she got dragged here through the Underground Railroad.
It is incredible. Where are you visiting us from, Helena?
And is that dress made of cotton?
Oh, D-Madness has seen enough.
Okay, so let's talk about it. Helena, have you ever done stand-up comedy before?
No.
Okay, so what made you want to do it here tonight on this show? The crystal meth made you do it.
No, I'm kind of delusional. This is just what I've decided to do.
When did you decide to do this? What made you do it? Yeah, sure, anything.
Like a year ago.
And this is your first time signing up?
No, I signed up like early February.
And you didn't get up? No. And here you are.
Here I am.
And this is what you prepared for.
This is what I prepared for, yes.
Okay.
I'm just curious, why do the questions keep coming after she said she was delusional?
That's a good point. I don't know.
He's trying to squeeze a dry orange over here, it appears. Helena, what do you do for a living?
I'm an electrician.
You're an electrician, okay.
Oh, that explains the hair. Yeah.
Yeah, that shit is fried. I got caught in the rain today.
Did your hair go to defry comedy school?
It is unbelievable, you are an electrician, obviously, not that great at your job. I'm not that great at my job. You've been shocked before, am I correct? I have been, yeah. Many times?
No, just twice.
Just twice. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. So what made you write an ultra racist set tonight?
That's a good point. You know, I was thinking about it and I just kind of wanted to go, edgy. I don't know.
What do you have against black people? Is it because your lips are so small? Yes.
It is a little bit of the envy aspect, I would say. I also have the flattest ass that there is. Yeah, you do.
You look like the Wicked Witch of the West Side.
You know what I'm saying?
Have you ever been with a black man?
No.
Have you ever been on a date with a black man?
No.
Have you ever even said hello to a black man while not working? Yes, I have. Do you have any black friends?
Yes, I do.
Name your black friends. First names only, go ahead. Starting now.
Erwin. He's my brother-in-law.
Oh, that doesn't count. Actual friends, not relatives. Nice and easy on the music, so that we can hear. Go ahead, rattle them off. Here we go.
All your black friends. Helena's. Welcome to another episode of Helena's Black Friends and go.
Maceo is a black friend. This is a really good question. No, black people don't like me.
There you go. I wonder why that is.
We should ever call Maceo and say those jokes to him on the phone.
How do you know Maceo? Huh? How do you know, Maceo?
We went to elementary and all through high school.
When's the last time you talked to Maceo?
Honestly, like a few years ago. I think like four or five years ago.
This is incredible.
Dude, yeah, we're not tied.
I'm from Utah. What?
I just moved here from Utah.
Okay.
So that's why I'm not, there's not that many black people there.
Utah famously light on the black people. 1.6% black people in Utah. I know this. We looked it up. Cam Patterson wrote a joke about it.
It's funny.
Completely. I don't know anything about funny, so.
I know. I know. Very good. Helena, before I let you go, what's the most interesting thing about you or your life that would surprise us, or we would find interesting at all?
I think probably the most interesting thing about my life is, I go back to the same place in my dreams, like 80 to 90% of the time.
Is it a Proud Boys meeting?
Tony!
Tony! Tony! Oh, my God. Tony! Tony!
Tony is killing. Kill Tony. So here we go. What is that dream?
I don't know, dude. I honestly, like two years ago is when I started having these dreams and they just kind of started like showing up more and more.
You can't describe it at all?
I can describe the hell out of it. It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day.
Okay, what is it?
Like your dream to dream. So, I mean, there's like a city part and then there's like a forest part and then, like the city has all sorts of crazy shit. There's this really big oval building that's got multiple floors and it's got like trees in the middle of it.
Oh, this is terrible. All right, here's a little joke book. There you go. Helena, everybody. We're going to keep it moving.
Oh, my God. Holy shit. It's a fucking psych ward here tonight.
Oh yeah, you know, we should do, we should get one of our regulars up here. Do a complete reset.
Following Helena, ladies and gentlemen.
What a position to be in. I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.
I was taking the shit and I just ran up here. I'm out of breath, I'm tired. We're going to make it happen or it's going to be good. I've been around a lot of white people for a year now. I've been in Austin for a whole year, a whole year, dog.
Y'all change how I think about shit. That's how I think about everything. Like I used to steal shit when I was a kid. I used to steal a lot of shit. And now when I see something I could steal like a whore,
I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes.
But that's how y'all steal.
Y'all steal smart.
Y'all steal from the government.
You know what I'm saying? That smartest shit. I used to break houses. Now I see a house and I go, ooh, that house probably got great equity.
You get what I'm saying, nigga.
You're not laughing, but you get it, bitch.
My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida because he has a PO officer and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit. And it hurt my heart because he can't leave. That's my nigga and I love him. We locked in there. Not like that, not no gay shit, but that's my dog and I love him.
You feel what I'm saying? And I love him. But I want him to leave the state. His PO officer, he couldn't leave the state of Florida. He said he couldn't leave.
And when she told him that, you know what I'm saying, it hurt my heart because I was like, that's my dog. But y'all side of me was like, well, if you wasn't doing bad shit, nigga,
you could leave the state of Florida. Funny face.
Motherfucker.
Unbelievable.
Wow.
He just got his own diploma.
Come on now, man.
I went to college, bitch. Wow.
Wow.
Night school meet night school.
This is incredible.
Wow.
I fucking loved that set, Cam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley. Your true perspective. You used to steal shit.
That's just fucking hilarious. all the way. It is true. The write-offs and everything. The more you learn about that shit, the more it is incredible.
Y'all teach me a lot of shit, man. I really appreciate that. Hell yeah.
Absolutely.
I'm learning. What's up, Tony? You good?
Hell, yeah, man.
This is crazy as fuck, dog. I hear you. I had a skateboard one time when I fell.
and I broke that bitch in half and I never did it again. But it was because of you, though. I did it because of you, and I hated it. I didn't like it at all.
But I'm a big fan.
I'll never get back on that bitch. I was terrified after that.
I was scared as shit.
He can help you. He taught Bobby Lee how to do an ollie in one hour. This is true. For real? This is true.
I'll do it now.
I'll get back on if you teach me. Nobody else can. Just you.
You're welcome.
Open invite. Absolutely.
Hell yeah.
You heard that, right?
Just sign the waiver.
Okay. Hell yeah.
Yeah. It says no stealing anything.
That's all it's saying. Big letter. Just don't steal shit, nigga. That's it.
Amazing stuff, Cam Patterson.
I love it.
That's real, by the way. That works.
So what else is going on, Cam? You're killing it. Another amazing weekend of shows in Dallas and Houston. Hell yeah.
Houston was fun for everybody else. I bombed. I bombed real bad.
You bombed?
Oh, you didn't hear what I said when I walked off stage?
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