#2131 - Brian Simpson
2024-04-05 03:11:22
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
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Let's go. Netflix special, what's up?
Netflix special live from the mothership, streaming on Netflix right now.
The first special live from the mothership to be streamed on Netflix.
Yeah, man. How's that? It's exciting, man.
It's great too, man. Yeah, yeah. You nailed it. It's great. You freaking nailed it.
It's getting a good, positive response from the comedy community too.
Yeah, yeah. Beautiful.
Everybody's loving it. Yeah, this is going to keep going, keep getting stronger, now. I know.
It's such a nice feeling, man. It's so nice to watch this happen for you, because, you know, you were one of the guys that came out here early. You took an early risk.
Yeah.
You know, a lot of people in the beginning were like, what the fuck is everybody doing moving to Texas in the middle of the pandemic?
Yeah. But, you know, honestly, it didn't feel like that big of a risk. Well, maybe at the time. I don't remember, man. But it felt like an easy decision when I made it.
But it was a last minute thing. I literally, from the time I decided to move, like I'm moving, to the time I moved, I think it was like a month.
Yeah, it was quick for me too, man. Yeah. I mean, I came out here in May of 2020, and I started looking at houses immediately. And then, you know, we got, there was, like, you know, a little hesitation with Mrs. Rogan.
And the girls were really into it right away, because when we got out here, you could jump in the lake. People were partying. It was like, we went on a boat. My real estate agent's a genius. She took us out on the lake.
And she showed us, like, this is the life out here. Like, people are having fun. And everybody was terrified. in LA. Everybody was wearing masks outside.
And here, like, no one had masks on outside. You'd go to restaurants. And my daughters just wanted a life, a real life.
And that's back when they were like, they were fucking with the store.
Yeah.
Like, the city, it was so crazy for the store to be two blocks from, what's that country bar?
What is it, Roadhouse?
Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch. It was two blocks from Saddle Ranch. And Saddle Ranch had, you know, 100 people out there with little dividers between them and everything. And then the store, they tried to have, they tried to do the same thing, but they put comedy outside.
With, like, dividers in front of everybody and everything. And the city was still like, no. Yeah. That's live performance. Shut it down.
We couldn't do comedy through the fucking window.
My friend's brother worked for the city and worked in the COVID department. And one of the women who was in charge of making the decision to close down outdoor dining, he said to her, there's no evidence that outdoor dining causes a spread. And she said, yeah, but it's about optics. It's about optics. So some person who, none of their money, is dependent upon business being open, they get that same check every week.
That check is, that's what you get. You work for the fucking state. This is my check. She didn't give a fuck about just stopping millions and millions of dollars in business and stopping all of these restaurants from being able to stay alive. All these people that bust.
You ever worked in a restaurant?
Oh, yeah.
That's work, man. That's work. When I was, I guess I was 21.. I was dating this girl who she got a degree in hotel management and hospitality, like that kind of thing. And, dude, the hours that she had to work were crazy.
Right out of college, she was working, like, all day long. Twelve-hour days were normal. And if you were a manager, you'd come in on Saturday. if they needed you. You'd do everything that they ask you to do.
And you don't make any money.
It's grueling.
The amount of money that a restaurant makes. Like, a restaurant, has to be, like, really killing it to make money. Right. Generally, they're just above the part where they're losing money. Just above.
If they're packed, they're doing great. But there's nights that they're not packed. And then you've got all this food you bought.
That's how most comedy clubs are running.
Exactly. Yeah. We're just, we're living in some dreamland.
Yeah, well, yeah. Mothership doesn't have to worry about that at all.
I don't know how that happened so well. It's crazy how it happened so well.
Yeah, yeah. Every single night.
We could have never. Like, when we were, Brian and I, for people who don't know, we would sit in the green room of The Falcon. And this was the dark days where, like, no one knew what was going to happen with live performance anywhere. There was no touring. Nobody was touring.
Well, Bert was touring still.
He was doing parking lots. Oh, right. He was doing those drive-in shows. He's a savage.
He's the only one. Actually, no, him and Eliza did it too. Him and Eliza, right.
A few other people did it too. I don't know, man. But Bert invented the drive-in thing. But the point is, it was weird. We didn't know what was going to happen.
And then we would be talking about, we've got to build a club. Because Ron White literally grabbed me by my shoulders. You know, it was like, whatever the fuck we have to do, we're opening up a fucking club here. We're going to fucking keep doing this. I was like, okay, we've got to keep doing this.
It was literally Ron White grabbing me in November of 2020.
. It was the first time he had been on stage.
And he crushed.
Of course. Not only did he crush, the ovation that he got when he was walking to that stage, holy shit. I forget who brought him up. I think it was Duncan. I forget who brought him up.
But whoever brought him up, the fucking ovation that he got was so insane.
You saved him too? Because he went from retiring to now he's on the road again.
Yeah, I was telling him, you're never retiring. What are you talking about? They invited me to his retirement party. I go, I'm not going to your fugazi retirement party. There's no way, that's real.
You're not quitting. You're one of the best comics alive. You get to do one of the most amazing things. Make people happy. Make a bunch of people just laugh and feel so good.
And he's better than ever.
Better than ever. Better than ever. Sharper than ever. Always writing and enthusiastic. Like he's revived.
Yeah, man. I think dudes get to a certain age where they have this thing in their head where, oh, this is not my thing anymore. I'm going to just like settle. Why? Are you alive?
Are you alive? Can you still kill? You can still do it, right? George Carlin died on the road, son. He died in a hotel room like a fucking soldier.
That's true. He was like 1,000 years old, still whining about the country. You know, and George Carlin had a career that lasted for like 50 plus years.
Yeah, and Bob Saget died on the road?
Bob Saget died tragically. That's a horrible one, man. Fell, blacked out, fell and hit his head. You know, we saw our friend Duncan the other night black out. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Duncan fainted at the Black Keys concert, and he didn't know he was fainting. He didn't know what was going on, and I caught it. Red Band grabbed me, and he goes, look, what's going on over here with Duncan? And I got over to him, and our security guy had caught him before he fell, but I thought he tripped over this box because it was like open, you know, those boxes they use for equipment?
Because we were backstage. We were in the corner. We had this dope spot to watch the show. And when he grabbed him, when Bruce grabbed him, Duncan just seemed weird. I grabbed him.
I'm like, you, okay? Did you get hurt? He goes, no. I go, did that thing fall on you? And Bruce was like, no, he fell on it.
And I go, what happened? He goes, I don't know. I'm fine, though. I'm fine. But then I feel his body like giving out in my hands.
So I've got my hands on him because I was helping him up, but I feel him giving out. And so I go, hey, man, you okay? Are you okay? And so he starts like slumping, you know? And I go, hey, let's sit you down.
Let's sit you down. And we're trying to figure out what's going on. And, you know, he was sober. It wasn't a drug. It wasn't anything like that.
And then we sit him down. I go, are you all right? He goes, yeah, it's so weird, man. It just felt so weird. All of a sudden I just was passing out.
And he goes out again. He just goes out again right there. And I grab him. I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. And then they get EMTs and then this lady comes to take care of him and this dude comes and we carry him over to a cot.
I think he was locking out his knees.
I don't know what it was.
So you know. what was weird is that we haven't talked about this since that happened.
Yeah. Well, I talked about it with him. He doesn't – I don't know if he knows. we're going to talk about it on the podcast.
Oh, yeah, he probably doesn't want to talk about it.
You think so? I don't know. Should we not talk about it?
I don't know.
Let's put a placeholder in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
How did I get to that point, though?
Are we talking about drugs? No.
We're talking about – Blacking out? Oh, Bob Saget.
Oh, Bob Saget.
So Bob Saget just fainted, which fucking happens, man. I mean you could – there's a lot of people that want to blame it on the vaccine and blame it on this and that. Maybe, but also people faint, unfortunately. I've seen people faint storm, cold, sober. Tony Hitchcock fainted one night at the Comedy Store, so bad he banged his head, and everybody was really worried about him.
Just fainted. It happens.
I fainted in boot camp.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, right after them telling us not to lock out our legs. I wasn't listening. I locked out my legs. Everybody's over you. It's like time travel.
You were explaining this to me, but it didn't make any sense to me, the locking out the legs thing.
Yeah, for whatever reason, like if you're standing still for a long period of time and you fully extend your knees, it cuts off circulation or something. But, yeah, I've seen people drop like flies. Like if you're ever at a parade or something, you'll see people drop like that.
What a dumb feature in human beings. The medical name is orthostatic posture. syncope. Happens at churches, graduations, weddings, or at events when standing a long time. More common, if one keeps the knees locked.
This pools the blood in the leg veins. A person who stands long enough in one place will faint. Holy shit.
I thought that was a myth. Nah, I've seen it happen a lot.
That's crazy. Multiple people. I would have argued with that. to the end of time. I was like, no, no, I'm not fainting.
If I lock my legs out, I'm not fainting. I am not fainting.
Some people don't. I think if you have really good circulation.
I blacked out once. And it was so embarrassing.
Was it from just standing?
No, I was in a F-A-18 going six and a half G's.
Well, that's kind of a humblebrag.
Well, no, no, no. Because I got through more G's. I got through seven and a half G's. We did seven and a half. And I was on the verge of blacking out.
And, first of all, these pilots, they're not using gravity suits. And those Air Force and Navy pilots that fly those jets, those guys are jacked, dude. They have to be really fit. Because part of the thing is forcing blood into your brain. So, while you're steering this fucking insane vehicle, dude.
When you're in one of those things and you realize what they can do. And he took me for a ride. We went through the mountains. He's going.
I mean, we're only like 100, 200 feet off the ground. This fucking dude is expertly piloting this thing through trenches and shit. It was wild. It was terrifying. But then he was explaining to me.
Okay. They take you through this whole training course with the Blue Angels. And then he's explaining to me. Okay. Now, when you hit the high G's, you've got to grab on to your straps.
Like where your legs are. And they grab on to the joystick. But whatever you're grabbing on to, you grab on to. And you do a thing called hooking. So you go like this.
Hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot.
And you're forcing blood into your head to stay conscious. And then the gravity, the G force, is pushing down on you. And your consciousness is like elevator doors. And you go like hoot, hoot, hoot, hoot. So I'm doing this.
And I hear him doing it. And I'm like, oh, my God. He's experienced what I'm experiencing too.
And flying.
And I thought he was maybe immune to it by now. Right? No, he's going hoot, hoot, hoot. And I'm going, oh, my God, this is insane. Just the physical demands that it takes to fly.
one of those things. Like you have a car that handles well. You have a nice car. When you take turns in that car, you know how your body kind of goes sideways a little bit. You've got to correct a little if you're really going fast.
I mean, they handle so flat. But you feel the G's. You feel the thing when you're turning. Imagine that times. I don't know what the volume is.
But when this thing is going, what is it, 500 miles an hour? 200 feet off the ground?
Is it pushing from everywhere?
I don't know. It's just so immense. The pressure is so immense. So I got through that. And then we did this other turn.
that was not as many G's.
Four and a half or something like that. It wasn't nearly as many. But I didn't hook. I didn't do the thing. And I just blacked out, threw up.
Oh, man. So I got through the harder part. I got through the harder part, and I just fucking slacked off. I think I was so blown away by the experience, so blown away by what these things, what it feels like when you're inside one of those things and what they're capable of doing. It's so mind-blowing.
It changes your idea of, like, what a thing can do. You know how, like, look, if you're in your car, like, especially, like, your car. Your car is fast. It handles well. When you're in your car, you have a completely different sense of what a car can do than if you're in, like, a 1970 pickup truck with a shitty six-cylinder engine and fucking.
Your car is going. It's gone. Now, when you get in a Tesla, it's that times five, because Teslas are insane. They don't make any noise, and they go zero to 60 in 1.9 seconds. So it's just like this.
The car disappears. Now that times hundreds is what this jet's doing.
It's so fucking fast.
And did you tell them to put a little extra on it? No.
I said, let's go, brother. Let's go. He was like, you, ready to do this? I'm like, let's fucking do this. I was in.
I was in. I was like, this is what these guys do. I want to experience it. Take me for the real ride. And it is a ride, dude.
It changes your reference points.
Imagine the fucking ego you have to have to be that kind of pilot.
Well, they're all men. These are men. Men. These are, like, jacked men, who are, like, real, friendly and super polite. And they always drink their water, and they always get their pull-ups in.
These guys are men. And they have a full gym set up there. These guys are in shape constantly. You do not get out of shape if you're doing that. You cannot get out of shape.
It's too hard. Bro, it's bananas. how hard it is.
You miss one hook, you dead.
You're dead. And you are going to have to eject, and you're going to give up that you crashed a $1 billion jet or whatever the fuck those things cost. Didn't somebody crash recently? There's a couple crashes. There was one where a guy had to eject, like, it lost power or something like that.
So he ejects, and it slams into the mountains of North Carolina. It was crazy. Yeah, it just ran out of gas and slammed into the mountains. But the guy parachuted down, I believe, in that one. There was another one, more recent, before that, rather, not as recent, where there was, like, this crazy, fiery crash, and, like, they were doing tests.
And the guy lost control of the jet. Bro, you could lose control of one of those things. Dude, I'm telling you, when you're in it, it's not what I thought. I thought you're like, just fucking spirit. No, it's the physical force on your body.
It's insane. Insane.
There's no way I would do it for a living.
That's why the UFO shit is so perplexing. Because whatever those things are, if they're ours, nobody's in them. No fucking chance. No chance. Nobody's in those things.
Because you would be turned into Jell-O, like that.
From changing directions so quickly?
What they're doing is moving at a, what was it, like, that? they estimated the tic-tac to go? I think it was 13,000 G's. Something insane. Where it moves so fast, because it went from, supposedly went from above our atmosphere, which is, like, above 50,000 feet, down to, like, 50 feet in a second.
And didn't crash?
Not only didn't crash, stopped dead and hovered. They're like, what can do that? And what happens to the people that are in that? You're gone, bro. You're mist.
You're pink mist. You're like those people in that submarine.
You just splat.
Bro, I just, speaking of that shit, I just watched a YouTube video about another fucking incident. What's the name of it?
Boeing?
No, it wasn't Boeing. This was a long time ago. This was a mining rig where the guys, all the guys, got sucked through a door.
Oh.
Like, a door was cracked. And actually, only one guy got that way, but because that door got cracked, it killed everybody inside. Oh, my God. You know, like, that deep sea, especially when it was new, that deep sea, like, mining shit. Those guys have to live.
Oh, my God.
Sucked into an oil pipe. Oh, my God.
No, this isn't it, but still.
But Jesus Christ, sucked into an oil pipe?
Yeah, some of these people, because they would, what the fuck?
Did you see that one where that sinkhole opened up in the bottom of a pool?
Of a swimming pool? Yeah. No.
The whole pool drained and people got sucked into the sinkhole and died.
What the fuck? Yeah. When did this happen?
I don't know. It happened in Israel. Israel? Oh, man. Bro, sinkholes are crazy.
I mean.
Sinkholes are crazy.
And they're everywhere. They're everywhere.
Some of them, the weird thing is, some of them, they look like, they look like someone cored the earth. Like, they're circular. So, look at this.
It just, a hole opens in the bottom of the fucking pool. It starts spreading.
Oh, did people go in there?
Yeah, people went in there, man. Bro, that shit is deep.
Oh, yeah. You gone.
Look at this. How crazy must that have felt? To see the thing just implode in the bottom and a hole open up? Like a curse was put on the pool?
And what is my man doing right here?
No one knows what the fuck to do, man.
Yeah, but that dude is, he's looking like he's going to reach in there and grab something.
Because he's trying to think where his family is.
Oh, well, yeah. Bro, people got, people got fallen.
I mean, how deep is that fucking thing? If you get sucked into that with all that water.
Yeah, you gone.
Oh, my God. That's terrifying.
The thing is, there's no way that it's smooth.
Oh, you're dead on the way down. You're dead on the way down. You're face bashed in. Look at those edges and shit. Yeah.
Did you see that one where that hole opened up?
Dude, that's my biggest fear. I don't want to die in a, like, where I can't move. What do you call it?
With rocks crushing your head.
Drowning. Just any kind of closed space where they just take my space.
Yeah, claustrophobia.
I just told the CIA how to torture me. They already know how to torture you, bro.
They just checked your Twitter and ran through an algorithm. They know how to torture you. What was that one, Jamie, where a hole opened up that was so big? It was circular. It looked fake.
We had to confirm that it was real, even though it looked, like, really bizarrely fake. It looks so fake, it looks like CGI.
What is it?
We're going to pull it up. You all right?
Give me a second.
Okay. You know what it is, right? That's a terrifying way to go, though. The earth just gives out from under you.
Yeah, and I would give up immediately.
I went to Pompeii when I was in Italy, and that's a wild one, dude.
So, wait a minute. It's still there?
Yeah, yeah, you can go there.
How do you know? they let people walk through it?
Oh, yeah, you can walk through it. Yeah, it's like a museum. You can see where these people lived. They've uncovered most of it. They uncover people, and they have the people on display, and the people are just, like, stone.
They just got impregnated with ash, and all that's left is, like, their form.
But why go into that pose?
Because it just overcame them like a wave. Like, you don't understand what a volcano eruption is like.
Ice Cube is the only reason I know what pyroclastic flow is.
What is that? What a great lyric. I know, right? Ice Cube's got some great fucking lyrics. That's it.
Look at that. That's a real sinkhole, bro.
Wow.
How insane is that? It looks like someone took an apple core to the earth. Like, look how smooth it is.
It seems like the sort of thing they should be able to predict, though.
No, they can't, though, man, because there's underwater currents and streams and rivers, and we can't keep an accurate assessment of exactly what's going on under the surface and what kind of erosion is taking place and what kind of cavities are everywhere.
Bro.
That's like a gateway to hell.
So, apparently, and I might be— That's like a movie. I might be off about this, but apparently, everything behaves like a liquid.
Like, all— Hold on. It says it's created by humans. Okay. Sign up for it if you have to.
Yeah, it was like everything behaves like a liquid, just on a— like, solids. just do it on a slower scale. Like, all the little fundamental parts of it are moving like liquid.
You know how? you know that? Earthquakes. You ever been in an earthquake?
Oh, yeah.
It feels like the earth became like you were on a raft.
Like, everyone was living there, acting like that. shit wasn't on the way.
You know what I mean?
Like, that. shit's overdue, bro, and it's going to fuck shit up.
It's going to fuck shit up in an incomprehensible way. I got to L.A. in 94, and it was right after the earthquake, and I got to see giant sections of the highway that had collapsed on top of cars. You could see it. It was all—the highways were collapsed right in front of you.
You could see where they collapsed. And I was like, I am never going that way. Whatever needs to be done that way, I'm going all the way, the fuck around. I am not going to be on the bottom of that thing. I don't even want to be on the top and ride it out.
I think you'll die that way, too. But the people on the bottom are dead as fuck.
Yeah, they're definitely gone.
They're diggity dead as fuck. That's a terrible way to die.
Or to be in some building that collapses on top.
Some of the bridges would fall off, and people would just drop. You'd see the cars just drop.
That's what happened in Baltimore.
Bro, oh, yeah.
Yeah. Fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck. Fuck that.
In a place where there's earthquakes, fuck that. And how about—bro, that's Taiwan, right? Taiwan just had a big-ass earthquake, 7.5..
When did that happen?
Just now. Just like a couple days ago.
Wow.
Look at that. Look at that building, man.
I mean, the fact that it's even still up is kind of crazy.
And, bro, what kind of building goals they got in Taiwan?
Wow.
Damn, but all these buildings fucking stood the—.
Yeah, a lot of buildings stood, but a lot of buildings didn't. See, the whole thing. with buildings, like, if you make a building in California, you have to—you have earthquake regulations. You have to make your building sturdy in a way that's supposed to be able to tolerate at least a little bit of an earthquake.
Yeah, but who's the—I mean, but how do they know? you didn't until everybody did?
I had a problem with a house that I had once. And the contractors had cut corners all over the place. We didn't realize it until we moved in. And then it became a real problem, real pain in the ass. You're always like, who the fuck—how can—is somebody on the take?
Like, how does somebody not catch all this stuff? But it's just they don't. They just don't have the time. The regulators don't have the time. There's not enough money to go and check everybody.
And that's why, when people say you don't need regulation with construction, I'm like, listen, bitch, you need that shit. Those dudes are shady.
Yeah, if you don't—.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a countdown to a building fall.
I should be real clear. I know some great guys that are contractors. I know some awesome people that build houses and build buildings, and they're great people, and they're super ethical. But I've also met so many shady ones.
I don't know any good ones.
They're all—.
No, I'm just kidding.
No. I think it's like three out of ten are shady. That's what I think. At least somewhat shady. And it's just fucking—it's a hard world to navigate.
if you don't know somebody. You know, if you know a guy and he can tell you, hey, I got a fucking great contractor. He's an awesome guy. You'll love him. And you're like, whew.
Okay, now I'm in business with someone I'd really like to see. I like that.
Yeah, I mean, well, it's a business where the only way for you to make more money is to fuck over your customer.
To make more money than you're supposed to.
Right, like after you've already agreed on the money, the only other way for you to make more money—like you're not getting tipped at 10.
I know. It's almost like there's a fine line between someone who charges too much, but they do an amazing job.
I'd rather deal with that person.
I'd rather deal with that person as well. Yeah, I want someone to be—I want them to be compensated for their work, and I want them to feel proud of what they do. You know, I have a friend who's a carpenter, and, you know, he'll talk about buildings. He'll show me pictures and shit. It's like, this is a beautiful house that this guy created.
And it's like, for him, it's like a bit that killed.
Right.
Yeah, it's like a bit. It's like, look at this house we made for this guy. And he showed me the pictures. I'm like, man, that's incredible.
You know what the problem, too, is?
Especially when you talk about hiring people to build a house for you, they know how much money you're working with. So they know they can squeeze you here, squeeze you there, you know?
Yeah, they definitely—in some cases, they do. They know what they can get away with and what they can't.
Oh, yeah. When people think you rich, they always charge extra.
Some people do, but some people don't. And the people that don't, you really appreciate.
Some people give you free stuff.
Yeah, but there are definitely people that try to take advantage of you, and it's kind of gross. It's like, come on, man.
Yeah, but I think people don't know better.
They've got to know better. There's a weird—that's a weird—if you're charging someone more because you think the person's more successful, you're doing this weird thing like they owe you more. Like, they don't care. This is like, come on, we're just supposed to be people. Do you have a charge for your goods and services?
You know what it is? That's like people that think you owe them your privacy. When they run up to your family at Disneyland, they're like, hey, man, I don't mean to interrupt, but you're interrupting.
Yeah.
I'm with my kids.
I get how people just think this is their one chance to say hi.
That's what it is.
That's what it is. Like, Brian Simpson, oh shit, it's their one chance. And I get it. It's just like sometimes you can't do it.
But it's almost like when you see Indiana Jones sitting there with the bag trying to swap it out real quick. You can just leave it there, Indiana.
Get the fuck out of there.
Yeah, but I get it.
You're a professor.
It's a lot of pressure of like, but this is my last chance to fucking fuck those rules.
Yeah, I get that. But, you know, it's a price that you pay.
Price of fame?
Yeah, it's a weird life. It's a price you pay.
What a great life, though.
Well, listen, we are the luckiest people alive. We get to do what we love to do, and it's fun, and we get to hang out with each other.
I laugh so much in the mothership green room. It really is, like, it's the place I laugh the most.
Me too, me too. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy, especially after sets, you know? Yeah, yeah.
Between shows, between the late show and the late show is the best time.
Yeah, because we're primed. We've already gotten off stage.
Especially if Tony's had a good set.
He gets the ball rolling.
Yeah, if he's not upset at anybody. Can you fucking believe this?
He is a firebrand.
Let me tell you.
Bro, him and Lucas are endless. When him and Lucas start roasting each other, it's endless. It's endless. They never run out of shit to talk about.
I thought David Lucas has proven to me that there's literally infinite ways to call someone gay.
I don't think he's ever going to get to the last one.
He just finds different references. You know, different references. Yeah, it's just the two of them just laughing and going at each other. I swear to God, when I'm a guest on Kill Tony, and David and Tony are roasting each other, it's harder than I ever laugh at anything. Because it's in the moment, and I know they're slinging.
They're shooting from the hip. They're just using their brain, you know? And killing each other.
Sometimes we get a little private one.
Yes, we get those all the time. We got that last night. But it's just the reaction. It's so fun, man. Fuck.
We're so lucky that Kill Tony's here, too. Dude, that show is so important. It's so important just to let people know it's just about being funny. I know there's all this other stuff that gets wrapped up into it because you're trying to establish your identity. You're trying to let people know how you feel about things.
And you want to make sure everybody knows you're on the right side. But really, what you should be doing is just doing comedy. Do comedy. And if you figure out a way to make your points, hilarious, great.
Yeah, make all the points in the world.
But they got to be funny. And when you do Kill Tony, you got one minute. You got one minute. And it sort of establishes an ideal in these young comics' minds that, hey, it's really just about making these people laugh. And if I can get good enough where I can make my ideas funny, and I can make these people laugh with ideas, that's like what you do.
That's like black belt shit.
Well, it kills me that because the amount of balls it takes for the amount of people that go on Kill Tony, and it's their first time doing comedy ever. I'm like, that's a hell of a way to do. your first open mic is in front of millions of people.
Yeah, that's a crazy way to do an open mic. It doesn't make any sense. But if you can do it, wow, what a feeling that must be. And we've seen people do it. We've seen people change their lives.
Yeah, if you nail it.
Bro, William Montgomery is killing it on the road right now. He's killing it. He's selling out. He's doing a whole hour. We saw him when Hans is killing it.
We saw William when he had to have notes on stage. And remember, we kept telling him, you can't have notes on stage. You can't hold your notes and read them. And some people would say, no, that's a part of his act. It's holding him back.
Because on Kill Tony, he doesn't have the notes. He comes out and stares the audience down. And he's dangerous. And he's weird. I'm like, that's you when you're at your best.
He said, I'm worried, I'm going to forget my jokes. I go, you're not going to forget your jokes. You do them every night. You're a professional comedian. This is part of the thing you have to learn.
Like, you can't race in Le Mans with training wheels on. You can't.
Yeah, William's been on a fucking tear lately.
He's killing it.
Yeah.
You know, when the Black Keys came into town, they're huge, William Montgomery fans.
And that's what's so crazy. So he got a shout-out at a post-fight interview.
Yes. Yeah, Dustin Poirier.
Dustin Poirier. Yeah, then the Black Keys are huge William fans.
Yeah, he did our show that night specifically because they requested him.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, the show is full. But I was like, yeah, let's go. I'm like, they need to see this.
Everybody loves that motherfucker.
He's awesome. He's awesome, and he's so unique. There's only one William Montgomery. That's a unique dude.
He's so busy, I never really see him.
Every time he hugs me, I'm worried he's going to stab me. He gives you the weirdest hugs. They're a hug like he's thinking about stabbing you.
Yeah, yeah. I think he's like, you know how apes don't have medium twitch muscle fibers? I think he's missing. So they can't hug. They either can do it as gentle as possible or full.
Or crush.
Or full strength. Right. He's got ape shoulders.
Maybe he's primitive. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't have the ability to give you a nice, warm, embracing hug. It's either smash or gently touch.
He hugs you like he's about to suplex you.
Yeah, like we're going to scuffle.
Yeah.
But he does it to everybody.
Good guy. Good, funny guy. And then some of the other newer, I think all the door guys are funny, pretty much.
I haven't seen Miles in a while, but I keep hearing he's killing.
Yo, Miles. Miles is on a whole other tear, man. Because he's one of those people that's like, he's different. He's real different.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, so is Casey Rocket.
Well, yep. Casey's figuring it out, too. He's got a thing where I was like, I don't know if he can do that for a long time.
I think he can.
He's figuring that out.
I think he also can do different things in between doing that. He can go any way he wants. He's doing it this one way now where he's hyper energetic. But that doesn't mean that's how he has to do it. He's funny.
But he's got so much energy. Yeah, he's funny. He can do anything. He can figure it out as he does it. But that's the most important part of this developmental phase that he's in.
He's killing, but he's learning how to do it.
I have purposely gone out of my way to never write a joke where I need to do a backflip. Nah! You know what I mean? He's got so much energy in the act.
I said this to Shane Gillis last night while you were on stage. I go, there's no one in the world who kills more effortlessly than Bryan Simpson. Oh, wow. Because you have a casual killing. You're casually killing.
Oh, yeah. You don't get hyped up.
It's interesting in your style, because it actually puts more weight on any criticism you put on something.
That's because my first 10 years in comedy, I wasn't sleeping.
You're tired all the time.
I was just tired all the time. That's just how I've learned to do it.
That's hilarious. That's hilarious.
Yeah, I didn't get good sleep for years. I finally got the CPAP machine like five years ago. I couldn't believe it.
Yeah, big difference.
Oh, man. It's a huge difference.
It changed, Joey.
Some people have them, and they're like, yeah, but I don't use them. How do you not use it?
I tried it once. I didn't like it. But I have a mouthpiece that I sleep with.
How does that work?
It presses my tongue down. So the mouthpiece is fit to my lower teeth and is a tongue depressor, and it keeps my airway open.
Oh, yeah.
Due to have big necks, like football players, almost all those dudes have sleep apnea. It's a big neck thing.
It runs in my family, the big neck.
You have a big neck. Yeah. And look at all this tissue. And if you have a big tongue, I have a pretty fat tongue, and this neck and the hole is not as big as it probably would be if I had a skinny neck.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
Like your neck is tissue. This is all fucking stuff. I mean, I build that up with exercises.
Does it work, though?
Yeah. The mouthpiece? It keeps my airway open. I sleep great with it. But if I don't have it, man, I snore.
It's horrible.
I'm pretty sure I tried to get one of those, but then they mailed me a kit that I had to do other stuff.
Yeah, you have to form it to your teeth.
You lost me. Step two. Like, I don't do step two.
You could go to a dentist, though, and they'll do it.
Oh, okay. Yeah. I think I need to do that.
I'll set you up. I got a dentist. that does it for me.
I did it with my audiologist for my in-ear monitors. Yeah, I didn't know that you could do shit like that.
Yeah, the in-ear monitors where they form it to your ear.
Oh, man, that's one of the best choices I have. Yeah. I've had that a long time.
I have that for the UFC. So when I'm at the UFC, they made me one. So when I put it on, it's mine. It fits right in my ear. Boink.
Perfect.
Nothing goes better than that.
Bro, that's the worst thing about cauliflower ear. Those dudes are fucked. When you get crazy cauliflower ear. I was talking to one of our security guys at the club. They're all MMA guys, jujitsu guys.
And one of them has these fucked up ears. And I'm like, but you can't hear. good, right? He's like, it's not as good. It's definitely not as good.
That's big.
Can he get them drained?
His are gone. His are hard. They become calcified.
Oh.
So what happens is the blood pools up. Your ear gets broken, right? And the tissue separates, and blood fills it. And that blood, over time, will become calcified. So it literally becomes rock.
It feels like rock. I have little bits of it. But when I trained, most of the time when I trained, I wore ear guards. Like wrestling ear guards. Just because I didn't want to fuck my ears up.
Because if you just go like this and you talk like this, normal, you hear things. But if you go like this and talk like that, you're missing something. You're missing some sound. And you don't realize you're missing it until you let your ear go. And you go, oh, now I hear it all.
Well, you're giving that. That's you forever. Forever. Now you have rocks on the outside of your ears. So all this design that God created to let us hear so brilliantly.
Where it captures sounds and rolls them around. It goes inside your ear. All that's gone.
It's all out the window.
Now you get rocks. That's one of those new earphones that goes outside the ear?
They're not brand new. But if anyone's listening and has this problem. This is called a jaw induction headphone. So it creates sound frequencies that bounce off the bones inside your head.
And so it works, even if you have fucked up ears?
Yeah, because it's not going through the ear.
And is that for any sound? Or is that for like listening to music and shit?
It's good for listening to music. But, like technically, it will emit sound. So like if you're next to this person, you'll be able to hear it too. But not perfectly. But it's made for the person that's wearing it.
You know what's really incredible? Do you know what game ears are? You know what, like tactical headphones, where you can listen to people talk. But it has like technology in there that stops the sound from being louder than a certain volume. So when someone's shooting a gun, it's never that loud.
You know those? You can hear so much better with those things on.
Because they also, so you create a gate. A frequency gate. Where it's like anything below that frequency, it brings it up. Anything above it, it brings it down.
So people put these on when they go hunting. And they turn them on. And you can hear shit like multiple times more than you would be able to hear normally. So you could hear footsteps. So like if a deer, like if you're in a tree stand.
And you're sitting up there with your rifle in a tree stand. You're listening around constantly. You ever do that? You ever tree stand hunt?
No.
It's a mind fuck, dude.
I was wearing those when I was working a.
50 decibels of hearing enhancement. That's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, I've used them before. It's crazy.
I wore those on the rifle range. Not the, but they were like over the ears.
Yeah, yeah.
But it was like you could hear people. You walk away from them and they go, fuck you.
You hear all of it.
Well, you have to, I learned that you have to act like you, you have to be very selective about what you react to. Because you don't, people don't need to know that. you can hear them. Right. You know?
Right. And if you give it away.
Yeah, that's a problem.
The cat's out the bag.
Yeah, you gotta.
Yeah. It taught me patience, because I'm like, oh, that wasn't for me to hear. That was just him getting his frustration, you know? Yeah. I don't need to react.
Because he thinks I'm 50 feet away. Right. So I was like, well, I don't need to react to that.
Yeah, fuck him.
I'd rather wait until somebody goes, I'm about to shoot this motherfucker. Right. Then. Now you know. Yeah, then the secret's out.
If you have those headphones on, man, it's really bizarre. Because you can hear things that you can't normally hear.
It feels like super hearing.
Yeah, but you can also shoot guns and it doesn't hurt your ears. It's weird. Yeah. Amazing. Amazing, that somebody figured that out.
But anyway, man, if you got bad ears, like if your ears get calcified, you're definitely, it's going to change what things sound like.
Is the price to pay to be dangerous?
Yeah, I guess.
No, I mean.
You could wear ear guards. I just didn't understand. Yeah, they suck. I hate them. They cut your chin.
They're fucking, they irritate your head.
But to me it was like I had these nice ones that were vinyl and they were just designed for jujitsu. So they were flat to your head. Okay. And they were really comfortable. So why don't guys do it?
Does it seem like a pussy move? A pussy move.
Guys like cauliflower ear too. It lets people know.
You know.
Like if I was saying, I'd look tougher if I had cauliflower ears.
Yeah, but I don't know if that's worth it.
It's not worth it. It wasn't worth it to me. But I'm also not a professional. You know what I'm saying? If you're a professional and your ear gets fucked up, you're back in training the next day.
There's. no, oh, I've got to get this drain and take six months off and let it heal.
Shut the fuck up. Oh, right, right.
Shut the fuck up and get back in there, dude. You're a professional fighter. I'm just a comedian. So for me it's like I've got to mitigate what gets fucked up. Right.
People love those things, though. It's like a badge of courage. They walk around with a cauliflower ear and they're like, everybody knows. I know how to fuck people up. Damn.
So then you know what that means. It's definitely people getting the fake cauliflower ear. They're getting ear injections so they can look good.
Well, all you have to do is damage your ear. You could do it pretty easily, especially with some people. It's real different, you know. Some people don't get cauliflower ear. Crazy.
They don't even train with ear guards.
Don't mess with me.
In some people. they'll break their ears and they'll fucking do things to their ears on purpose.
So they can purposely get it?
Yeah, they'll take a jiu-jitsu belt and they'll just fucking smash their ear and they're trying to give themselves cauliflower ear. People have definitely done that.
That's crazy.
Yeah. I've also met guys who are white belts, who just started, who got cauliflower ear and they never did anything about it, and they got this big lump on their ear. And they're terrible.
And then there's people that do it for decades and don't get anything.
Yeah, but it's rare. It's pretty rare. Or you're just like really elite at defense. There's some guys that are so good at defense you just never really catch their head. But usually you would think that you would catch their head early on in their career, before they figured out how to be really good defensively and technically.
But there's certain guys like good luck getting a hold of Marcelo Garcia's neck, unless you're a lot bigger than him, like Robert Drysdale, someone like that who tapped him. You know, that guy was a wizard. Like when you're that fast. You ever seen Marcelo Garcia? I want to show you this one time where I saw him live in Brazil in 2003, where Eddie was competing for the Abu Dhabi World Championships.
And this is the year that Marcelo Garcia burst onto the scene. People didn't know who he was.
Is this the same year where Eddie won?
Yes. He triangled Hoyler. So get Marcelo Garcia versus,
oh God, who was it? What's that? You have it? No, no, no. That's just him.
They're just training. Shaolin, Shaolin. Hibero. Marcelo Garcia, Shaolin. So this dude, Shaolin, who's Hibero, R-I-B-E-R-O.
Shaolin is a legendary jujitsu guy, like super high level black belt. So for him to do this to Shaolin is so insane. You got to see this move. He just spun, took his back, and strangled him unconscious.
And this is like instantly in the beginning of the match. This match happened. It's like 30 seconds, and he puts him to sleep. Watch that again, because that scramble, he does an arm drag.
That was smooth.
Go from the beginning. You just go from the beginning, because it's so quick anyway. So he does an arm drag. Marcelo Garcia is in the rash guard. He does an arm drag on his right arm.
Look at this. Watch how he turns, turns, turns, turns, keeps going, turns, keeps rolling, keeps rolling, gets the back, gets the hooks in, super strong legs. Now he's got the hook in, and now he's securing the neck, and he's going to hang on, and he's going to just fucking crush him to sleep. And he's asleep right there. Dude, that is so insane.
That is so insane. That is one of the most legendary finishing sequences in all of jujitsu history, because that was like the moment Marcelo Garcia, who's like one of the greatest of all time, burst onto the scene.
And he just locked in.
Yeah, so that guy, even he, has cauliflower hair.
Oh.
As good as he is, as good as he is.
Yeah, it seems like unavoidable.
Yeah, some guys don't get it. It's weird. And some guys are just real big guys. Some real big guys never get caught, you know, real strong guys.
That's why, like, every time I see somebody with cauliflower hair, it's like I know two things. I know, one, they can probably fight, almost definitely. And, two, they have some kind of old nagging injury that they're hoping I don't discover.
You know what I mean? Like all the most dangerous dudes are like, if anyone hits me in my fucking. . .
Left knee. Right, yeah.
They will fold me the fuck up. So that's why I'm scared. That's why I don't fuck with those people. Like, oh, dude, don't fuck with them because they're going to fight. They're going to give you everything they got because they don't want you.
. .
Yeah, also, like, don't just be fucking with people thinking it's a fair fight. People stab people. They shoot people. Just don't do it. Just don't do it, man.
If you want to prove yourself, go to a gym. Right. Go to a gym, learn how to fight, and then you will lose all of your desire to do that in a bar.
Especially after 30.
I don't give a fuck if you're 20.
. Don't do it. Don't fucking, do it, man. It's how people die. It's how people get locked up in jail for the rest of their lives.
20-somethings, though, you can't tell a 20-something.
Yeah, you can. I listened. Yeah, I listened. I was terrified of fights when I was in my 20s, and I knew how to fight. I didn't want to go anywhere.
Oh, yeah, but you grew up fighting.
Yeah, but, I mean, when I would go out to bars. Right, right. Like, if I was out to bars with my friends and shit would break loose, I'm like, ah, exit, please. Yeah. I'm not fighting anybody.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Yeah.
I knew that early, early on, because I knew guys. . . Growing up in Boston, going to high school in Newton, which was outside of Boston, I spent most of my time in Boston because that's where I did Taekwondo. I met some hard fucking dudes.
Some hard, hard men. One of the guys that I met was a fucking hitman for Whitey Bulger. He was the guy I was training. I was teaching him Taekwondo, and he was a hitman. Like, well-known that he was in the Irish mob.
Well-known. And he was taking Taekwondo classes. I was around people that, like, so in my mind, any man that you just have some confrontation with, even if you beat his ass, that's not the end of it. He's going to come find you. This idea that you could just do something to someone and there's no consequences ever, it could be a year from now, two years from now, five years from now.
You're going to be looking over the shoulder for the rest of your life? What are you, fucking stupid? Just get away. Don't fight with people. Don't argue with people.
Yeah, come on. Don't piss people off. We'd all be better off if people didn't have this desire to control themselves, and that's what you get rid of when you go to the gym. When you learn jujitsu, when you learn a martial art, and you don't have this desire to test yourself all the time because you're constantly being tested, when you go out, you just want to have fun and chill.
Yeah, most of the fighters I've met, you know, I've met a lot of fighters since I've lived here now. Most of them are pretty chill. Super chill. You said, like, almost, you know, I think all the security people are all jujitsu guys, and you wouldn't even know. I know one of the guys was, like, some kind of champion, you know, and you would never know it.
They're so humble and respectful.
Well, it's because they get challenged all the time. They don't want to do it, like, in real life. The real challenge is challenged against skilled people. When you're doing that all the time, when you're rolling with black belts and you're fighting off triangles, and the triangle turns into an arm bar, and you're, like, barely escaping, and then you get side control, you're battling all day long. You're battling in your head, after the class.
You're going, oh, how did he catch me? How did I do that? Why did I do that? My left foot. Fuck.
And you're trying to figure out what you did wrong and what you did right. You don't want to get in a fight in a bar. You want to go have fun. If you would go to a bar with a bunch of jujitsu people, they're all laughing. They want to have a good time.
They say thank you. The waitress comes over. They're polite. They're nice people. They get it all out, man.
You got to get it all out. And if you want to get it all out at a bar, man, you're going to get killed.
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