Synced: You Can't Shortcut It
2024-01-10 00:51:58
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
I'm okay, I'm doing okay. I feel overwhelmed. I have to go home tonight and I don't want to, and I feel really guilty because I don't want to, but you know, but I am, I am going, I'm taking the red eye, I'm back Saturday. So it's been so much back and forth, it's like the third time in a month that I've been home. By the time this airs, I probably will have talked about it already, but my grandfather passed away last night or two nights ago, two nights ago, I saw it, and it's a lot, it's a lot, it's a lot more than I expected it to be, which of course, like.
of course, I'm such a control freak that I feel like I could sort of get ahead of how it would feel. Like I've been processing it for so long, which I have, and it's been a long time coming, and so I've kind of felt like, well, when it happens, I'll be fine, because I will have already processed it, but then it doesn't work like that and it's so annoying that it doesn't work like that.
I'm sorry. But why?
Can you fix it?
Yeah, I'm sorry, you can't fix grief.
You can't shortcut it.
You can't shortcut it. I have felt that you've processed this like very extraordinarily, even when you were home and you were like, his health is fragile, you were like, I'm okay with it. You were in a lot of acceptance. I felt around it, but I'm also, yeah, not surprised that then they do pass away. and that's a whole other thing.
It is. The idea of it is different than what it is.
Yeah. So my brother is the one, my mom called, and I missed the call, of course, because I was sleeping. And then my brother called like an hour later and I was awake, and so we were going to record yesterday and I was like rushing and trying to post and get out the door. And he called, and as soon as I saw his name, it was obvious that I needed to pick up. He never calls for no reason.
So he told me, which was also sort of, I was also sort of grateful for that in some ways that he had to take that on and we had a moment to sort of talk about it. So then it's sort of been this whirlwind, because originally there wasn't going to be any service or anything, but then I guess there was a decision yesterday that there is, and so that's why I'm going back. I'm sure people can relate to this, or maybe not. Maybe I'm just horrible, but it just keeps getting, it's like, now I have to go home again. I don't want to do that.
Now I have, and then my, you know, my mom texted me and was like, if anyone wants to say anything and I don't want to, you don't have to, you don't have to do anything you.
don't want to do.
But it feels like, is that bad?
There's no bad way of grieving, right? Death is inconvenient.
That's so true. It's so, it's not ever timed appropriately.
No, it's, they should fix that.
Yeah, somebody needs to fix that.
Who do we call? Oh, but what I was going to say. If you feel bad, this is hard enough, or again, I'm telling you not to, but just be kind to yourself and all the feelings that you're feeling are normal. Grief is very unknown and I think every time we grieve, it also looks different for every person in every situation, but it's very unpredictable and it'll bring up a lot of things that are even confusing and hurtful, and there'll be good memories, there's bad memories. I mean, there's so many complicated ways of doing it, and I don't want you to add more pain by judging yourself for the way that you're grieving.
I'm very lucky. So my brother called me, we're saying, we're so lucky that this is the first time we're dealing with this. It's crazy. That is so outrageous.
This is the first death you've dealt with in your family?
In my family, yeah, that's close and we're old, like. we're old for that and my parents are so old for that. I mean, my dad has experienced death, but my mom hasn't and she's in her 60s. That's so lucky, and I'm trying to sort of hold on to that too of, man, we really... But then I have this fear that now the door opened and now it's just going to be like so much.
No. What if?
I mean, look, all of us can go at any time, right? Yeah. I think that, again, what grief will do is that... And to me, this is so synced, but I have a friend that died a few days ago. Oh my God.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, first of all, you're dealing with everything, and it's a friend that a lot of my close, close friends are very close with him. We all work together and it's very disorienting. Again, a lot of things come up that are very confusing, but the one thing that I think all of us feel when we do lose someone is, oh my God, life is just, I mean, just so fragile. So fragile. We never think about...
I mean, we rarely think about that. Well, you can't.
Exactly. You wouldn't be able to... Exactly. You can't function. Exactly.
So, yes, I think gratitude... I mean, gratitude never hurts, no matter what you're going through, and being grateful for the time that you got to know him, for. I lost all my grandparents when I was pretty young, and so I don't really know what it's like. I had such a, not juvenile, but very first degree experience of death and like, oh, my grandmother's not there anymore and my dad is sad, but I only knew her for eight years and I still have this connection to her, but you knew him for so many years.
So lucky.
You got to spend... You got to grow up together.
I know. And I really did. The school bus dropped me off at their house every day and I spent all my summers there, and it's lucky. Yeah. It's a lucky thing to be able to experience.
And the dream. Do you want to talk about it? I think it's so powerful.
It's really crazy. So when I talked to my mom, she told me... So my grandmother called her to tell her and it was the morning, 6 a.m. or something. And they sort of deduced that it probably happened a few hours before that.
In his sleep, lovely, peaceful. And so then my mom called my dad and he said that he had a dream the night before. I wish I could convey, I mean, maybe people on the show know because we talk about my dad so much. He's just the most practical, pragmatic, everything's black and white in some way, scientific. He had a dream, he never dreams, he had a dream that my grandpa got out of bed, he's been bedridden for the past, however long, he got out of bed and was walking down the hall and turned around and smiled.
I mean, it's so...
Yeah, it's crazy.
And I don't believe in any of that, but I can't not. And then I feel guilty because I think like, oh my God, all these people who believe in all these things that I normally don't, there's reasons why they do, and it's okay. Whatever brings you peace and comfort, believe it. I believe that he visited him.
Yeah, wanted to say goodbye.
And I think he, well, I know this because 40 years ago, my grandpa was misdiagnosed with cancer. So for a couple of weeks, they all thought that he had cancer, pancreatic cancer, and he was given like a sentence. And my dad was with my grandpa when that happened, just him. And just to reiterate, this is my mom's dad, not my dad's dad, but my dad was with them at the Mayo Clinic. And my grandpa told my dad, you have to take care of everyone.
back then. He's like, this is what I want for this person. This is what... I wasn't even born yet. And then that ended up being this non-issue, which is also so funny, because my dad was telling when I was home four weeks ago or something, and it really looked like it was going to happen.
My dad said he had sort of a different opinion on all of it because of that experience that he had with him. He was like, well, I sort of look at it, as he got an extra 40 years. Like he was kind of supposed to go then, and he got an extra 40 years, and I would have never met him if that had happened. That's such a sad, scary prospect, and I'm so grateful that it didn't happen. But anyway, so the sort of like looking back, I feel a little bit is like, take care of everyone.
Oh, wow.
Yeah. Wow. Which is, I think, why it would have been him. That's not his kid, you know?
Oh.
I know. It's really special. And it's, again, coming from my dad, who I'm sure he can't wrap his head around this because it's so spiritual. Right.
Wow.
Yeah. It is really comforting to have that story. But it sucks. I mean, it just sucks. It's like, life sucks.
You fall in love with all these people, and then they die. And then you die. Yeah, but that's the least sucky part. I know.
I agree. I'm fine with that. It's the other.
It's everyone else. Like, why? Why does it have to happen? I wish I liked it. Maybe there's someone that does.
Well, psychopaths.
Psychopaths. We got to-.
Sociopaths.
We got to try out their morning routine.
Put it on.
But that's also the beauty of life. That's the thing. That's why it's so precious. I know. It's like, really?
I know. It's such a cliche.
It's all such a cliche.
Dax and I were talking about it on the last fact check. I think maybe the point of life is potentially to realize. all these cliches are true. It's like, by the end of your life, you understand that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It all. Yeah. The simplest things are true. Yeah.
You spend your life learning more and more complicated things, and then you end up realizing that it was actually so simple. And we're all just going through doors. I remember. I just think, that metaphor. There's like a David White poem about his mother passing away.
that's like, and then she went through- I'm going to cry talking about it. Like, we're already crying. But like, you know, that his mother passes away, and she just goes through this door, through which he'll go through later. Like, it's like we're all-.
I know.
And even him not having cancer and not being able to stick around for so many more years, that's just one door he didn't go through, and he went through another one. And if we spend time thinking about that, we just wouldn't do anything else.
It's head too heavy.
But it's also so beautiful. We wouldn't be able to do stupid, you know, capitalism.
Buying clothes and stuff. Buying clothes.
And I do like it. It is fun. It does make-. Do you think you'll think about your clothes when you die? Like, you'll think about like-.
I think there's an emotional connection. I think you'll think about some of the clothes you got. You do? I think so. I think they're meaningful to you.
I'll probably think about the sweater that Molly and I, we bought. these sweaters kind of on accident. Kristen had sent us to this store. We were all in New York. Kristen was working, but she was like, oh, you guys got to go to this store.
Condi. Susie, Condi. Shout out. And she kind of got us in the like warehouse or whatever, you know, like their small room. So when we were there, it was beautiful.
We wanted stuff. But it's expensive. And we did feel a little bit like, oh, we have to get something. And so we just kind of picked out some stuff, but we didn't know any prices. And we both got this sweater.
And when she like, rang it up, the sweater was $1,000.. And we didn't know. And we both walked out kind of like zombies. Molly was like, did you know? And I was like, no.
And then we just laughed about the absurdity of this sweater for so long. And it has brought so much joy. And at one point, Amy was holding the bag and she got like stuck in the turd style. This $1,000 sweater was just getting like mashed and mushed.
Oh, no. But it's all about the story around the thing, you know?
Not a seizure.
It's an experience.
That was the time when I was like, oh, that was. Yeah, this sweater gave me a seizure.
Oh, God. It's a lot.
It's a lot. But I obviously won't think about these rope hands.
It's not about the rope hands. It's what you did in the rope hands.
I guess. I guess. But also, I like liking that stuff. So, I don't want to like next time I'm shopping, just be like, I'm not even going to think about this when I'm dead.
When I die. No, no. When I die. Also, I feel like we both do think about death way too much. I've been thinking about my parents dying since the, you know.
And things have been coming up in my feed where I'm like, did you have this major fear of them dying when you, like that? you would skip sleepovers because you were like, maybe my mom is going to die at one point, so I should really spend more time with her.
Oh, no. No. No. I didn't have that. You had that?
Yeah, like I saw that in my feed.
I have that now a little bit.
Me too. Well, major, because it's actually kind of more accurate.
Because they're getting older. Yeah, they are getting older. And we're getting older. Yes.
You can't go to that as many sleepovers.
I was actually just thinking about this on New Year's Eve, because we were all going to sleep over at the Richardson's and then, you know, New Year's came and, you know, the ball dropped. Yes. And I was like, I'm going to go home. I want to sleep in my bed. And then I got sad because sleepovers used to be so fun.
They did.
They did. What the heck happened? I feel the same way. I never, my niece always wants to do sleepovers and I'm like, I'm good. I'm awful.
I'm awful. You're not awful. Well, I wish I was like, yes, I'll sleep anywhere and I don't need my sound machine, my earplugs, my three eye masks, my fucking ear purifier. Like what happened? I know.
What happened?
Oh, that is actually sad, because I did used to love sleepovers with my family. Like if we had a big family, like Christmas or something, I really want people to stay over. Yes.
But I think that your relatives were like, oh God.
Sometimes they didn't, which is, they probably didn't for me, because the older you get, you don't like doing that anymore.
Why don't we have sleepovers? Like if I were to tell you, Monica, I was like, okay, Thursday night, when you're back, let's have a sleepover. What would be the stages of your reaction?
I guess I'd say at your house or mine. I'm fine with people sleeping over, but at this point, I don't really want to, I mean, that's not necessarily true. A lot of it has to do with the bathroom situation. Yes.
If they don't poop while they're at your house. No, they're a lot, it depends on the person, but it's not the intention of the poop. Exactly.
We've been over this. Yeah, yeah.
If someone's sleeping over, I expect they are going to poop.
And if they're not, we're worried about it because there's GI issues.
Exactly.
I mean, 24 hours, if you're not pooping.
You need to poop. Yeah. But if I'm sleeping over at somebody else's house, I need to know that there's a safe way for me to poop.
For sure. Oh my God.
I think, if there is, I'm more down for it. Okay. But are we sharing a bed?
What would be your preference? Separate? Yours just a little burrito. How would you?
Yeah, I would prefer separate.
Me too. Me too.
So then everyone can really sleep.
Yeah, yeah.
But then what's the point? Right.
It's just like, why? Yeah. See you, tomorrow. Do we have to wake up in each other's faces?
But it's kind of fun to make breakfast.
That part is fun.
Yeah.
I would like separate bedrooms. When we went to 4th of July, that was so fun. You wake up, it's like a full house. There's people around making stuff. People are sleeping.
People are hanging out. I like that vibe.
Me too.
But I would like my own bed.
Wait, how do we get on sleepover, Dad? Not wanting to miss your parents. Oh, yeah. You didn't want to go to sleepovers.
Yeah, that would happen where I'd be like, oh my God, my mom's going to die one day, so I better spend more time with her.
Oh my God. I thought you were going to say my mom might die tonight. That would have been more me.
You, okay. You had like, it was more- Acute. Okay, got it. In the moment.
It's like, if I go, I'll cause the-. It was more, I think, that. A little bit of superstition in there. Like, if I go, also. I hate this, but my grandpa used to, or he had this big superstition.
That's why I always spent New Year's with my family. I always did, because he had this superstition, if you start the year together, you end the year together.
Oh.
Which was really kind of stressful and arresting, because you had to do it.
It's a lot of pressure.
It is. The first time I didn't do. it was, I guess, 10 years, I lived here, and I had to be back here to work at SoulCycle, because you could only miss so many holidays. Worst. I know.
Sorry. The front desk. Yeah. So, I skipped it, and I was worried.
Was he kind of mad?
No, no. No, okay. No, but I was scared, but then it was fine, and then I think I've missed one other, and then this year, I missed it. We all missed it, because my mom and brother had COVID, and then I came home. But then he died a couple days later.
Oh, wow. But you didn't die when you went to SoulCycle, so. Exactly. It can't be.
It can't be that. Yeah. I hope no one takes this on, because it's too much. It's a lot.
I think superstitions, I wish I could remove all of them from my head.
What do you have?
I have so many stupid, but for me, it really started from a young age. It's just weird. I mean, people are going to diagnose me. Yesterday, I took a pill. I was taking some meds, and then one of them fell, and then it's not a big deal.
It's one out of whatever, and I was kind of in a rush, and then I was like, okay, I'll just take it. And then something in my head went, nope, if you don't find the pill, something really bad's going to happen. Oh, no. Yeah, and so then I was like, no, no, it's fine, and then I couldn't stop it, so I had to find the pill, and then I couldn't find it, and I started really freaking out, and then after a long time, way too long, I finally found it, and then I could be calm.
Okay, do you think that's more-.
Mental illness.
No, no, no, it's not mental illness, but it sounds more like OCD slash anxiety. I mean, I think they're all cousins, by the way. I think superstition is very close to OCD.
Yeah, it's like a cuter way to say it.
It is, but do you always have that? If I drop something, and I don't find it, it's bad luck.
But if that-.
If the thought goes in, yeah.
Then it's, uh-oh, now it's a whole thing.
I think that's a little more OCD. Do you have any, like, the classic, no umbrella opens inside the house?
Of course, but that's everybody. Yeah, you can't do that.
But do you have others, randoms, like this, like you have to start the new year together?
No.
My parents have so many New Year's ones.
Interesting. Why?
Why New Year's? I mean, I guess, because it's the beginning of the year, and you have to start everything correctly. I remember when I first started breaking some of these rules. It was so hard, but it was so good for me.
Oh, good. Okay.
Well, one is you're not supposed to do laundry.
What?
On the first?
I think it's-. Wait, you've heard that? No. No. Yeah, I was going to say, no one's heard it, because I think my grandma probably made it up.
What? And then now that's like-.
That sounds convenient. It's like no one's allowed-.
No, it's stressful because it's the last day, kind of before you're back to work. It's New Year's Day, by the way, not New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. It's the day you do want to be doing laundry before you have to go back to school or work. You have to plan ahead and not do it that day. Okay, so, no laundry.
They don't eat meat. That, I think, is a little more of an Indian thing. No spending money on New Year's Day. And then they have all this Southern, like, you, have to eat black eyed peas.
Oh, wow.
Is there more? No fighting. I think they just incorporated that when my brother and I were-.
I love it. It's just like super, it's like using the veneer of superstitions to just get your kids to behave-.
To be nice.
And not have to do chores.
Yeah. So they all got trickled in. And now, when I moved here and I was away, I went to dinner with a friend on New Year's Day and I was like, I'm spending money. We probably ate meat. And it was a big breaking of the rule, but it was good.
I was like, I can't be so, this is too much.
It feels good in general to do things differently than you had to do with your family. My family's visiting and there's so many things that, like, they're like, where's the compost? And I was like, I don't use it. Like we don't do that at our house.
Yeah.
And they were like, all these little things. that like, feels really good to. just like, I have paper towels. They don't own paper towels. They only use reusable.
And so like, just the fact that I own paper towels feels like I'm standing my ground. I'm doing things and breaking the curse.
Yes.
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How's it been with your family in town?
It's good. It's good. It's like we're all on each other's nerves and then you have to embrace it. You can't feel bad about it.
Is everyone staying at your house? Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah. And it's your mom, your dad, your sister, and your niece.
Yeah. It's a lot of people.
And your roommate's there?
No. She's gone and we kind of planned it that way. But yes, it's a lot of people. It's a lot of stuff. Things that have never ...
We have this table that's really nice dining room. All of a sudden it has 20 scratches on it. I don't even understand how it happened. And that's when I'm like, I'm not ready for kids. I can't.
I'm such a ... Being controlled, noticing how ... I feel like in my 20s, I probably was just as fucking controlling, but I didn't have any awareness or languish for it. And now when I notice it, it really gets on my nerves. I'm like, why does it matter?
I know.
If there's little scratches. But it's like, no, I want it to be the way that it. ... And so I made everyone eat on a towel, on a bath towel. I was like, we're putting this on the table because you guys are animals.
What are you doing?
Are you fiddling with wood? I don't understand why there's scratches. There's no. ... Anyway, it's just ...
Everyone turns into a toddler, I feel like, when it's family time. We were in the car. Everyone wants a different temperature. It's a lot of management. I have a lot of respect for people who have families.
I love my family to death.
Of course.
That's the problem.
This is going around, right? Going around. I've had this conversation with a few people and everyone feels the same and everyone feels guilty because in the conversation, everyone has to include, I love them so much. You feel like you have to say that because you sound like an asshole, but no one really has to say it, because everyone knows that. We love our families.
Yes.
But they get annoying. They get so annoying and for so many different reasons.
Yeah. And we're annoying. I know. Even I'm aware of how annoying I am.
I'm like, ugh, I need to just ... What do you think you're bringing to the table that's annoying?
Oh my ... So much.
Just the controlling?
I'm always cold. Oh. The entire temperature of my house now is different, because they are like, you're insane, so I'm realizing that I need things really warm. I really need breaks.
Yeah.
I'm like an iPad kid. I need kind of just to be on my own or I need to be on an. ...
On your own space.
Just like in a bathroom. Yeah. I just need time.
That's fair.
That's normal. I'm very annoying. What's annoying about you?
Oh, yeah. I think the controlling nature, for sure is so annoying to everyone, but also I just am picky. Yes. I'm very picky. I'm not easygoing as far as like, let's just go to this random restaurant.
No. I don't want to go to that. I want to go to a good restaurant. I mean, when we were in London this year, I really ran the show. Right.
And it was nice. You liked that? Yeah.
You planned it all out and they followed. They go along. They followed.
I think they've also just gotten better at not fighting about it. They're like, eh, she wants this. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah.
Because they've been around us this whole time.
Yeah. They've learned how to deal.
With how annoying we are.
Oh, my God.
Life is precious and people are fucking annoying.
Yeah. It's true.
But I think I can tolerate my family so much better. when I'm honest. I feel like it's when I try and pretend like everything's okay or that I'm not annoyed. What my sister's really good at, and my entire family, is that we're good at making jokes about things. Like we will joke about how annoying someone is or how annoying we are.
And I feel like that breaks. ... Because again, when you're annoyed, you're like, but I love them. And then you start, it's that second- The cycle. Yeah.
You're like, oh, I'm such a horrible person. It's like, no, dude. We're just a human.
I know. Well, I think we should jump into some cues. Let's do it. Do you want to talk about your friend?
No. It's okay. Thank you, though. We can talk about it another time. Okay.
Liz, you wrote one in. I see.
Oh, no.
It isn't. No, I'm kidding. Just a Liz wrote this.
Oh, a Liz. Okay. It's our first Liz.
Yeah. Oh. Let's read this one. How to balance my parents' concern about my health with my sanity. Ooh.
This is from Vivek. This is a man. I love it.
I love it.
I am a 49-year-old, American-born Indian guy living in Virginia. 11 years ago, life was going well. I had taken over running our family's home building business. I had gotten married, and we had just had our third child. The day after he was born, though, when I was 38, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.
Needless to say, it was a shocker, but I've dealt with it better than I could have expected. I'm fighting it as hard as I can, including engaging in a crazy amount of exercise. Although there is no cure, exercise helps me resist the ravaging effects as long as possible. Yes, my family was dealt a shitty hand, but there have been a lot of surprisingly joyful and insightful moments as well. The problem is my parents.
Understandably, they are worried and sad for me, especially when I see them, and they can see how much I've progressed. They literally show pity in their voices. They make that tisking, clicking sound when you touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth. that is common in Indian culture. Monica, you might know what I mean.
I don't.
Is that it? Like this?
Maybe. I don't know it. But maybe that's it. They are getting noticeably older themselves, and I know this is not good for their health, especially their mental health. It's also not good for me, as I tend to be a far more positive person.
I've tried telling them this, and I've even tried telling them that I feel inadequate for not being able to take care of them, which is true. But no matter what I say, that just makes them more sad. As a result, I avoid contact with them far more than I would like. We live less than 10 minutes apart, but I only see them twice a month on average. What do I do?
I know that I will look back and regret this. In fact, I already do regret it, but the last thing I want is pity and knowing that I'm causing them concern. You two rock more than you know, Vivek. Gosh. You know.
what sucks so much is when you are a victim in something and you have to protect everyone else around you. It's so unjust, and it happens all the time in so many different ways, but this one feels particularly like this.
In many ways, Vivek probably doesn't even feel like a victim, right? Exactly. That disability, I'm going to try not to make it political, but we do live in an ableist society, which means that people believe and were raised to believe that in every media that we see, slash, we don't see people with disabilities thriving or just existing in the media. We only see these sad stories and then non-disabled people playing their roles, win Oscars for them. But that's a story.
That's not reality, and it's certainly not his reality based on what he's sharing and based on the reality that many people with disabilities share. But they're forced to take on the ableist principles. And so the way that we imagine ourselves, if we were to become disabled, we think it's going to be this thing, and then in reality, what it is is actually very different. We, as human beings, our ability to adapt is extraordinary, but our ability to realize that we can adapt is really bad. So we project, if I get Parkinson's, every day is going to be a one out of 10..
Maybe the first day, maybe the second day, maybe for a week, maybe for, you know, but eventually you'll get back to your baseline happiness actually, or a little bit below, but pretty much like-.
I think I'm-.
Well, but there's like literal studies about this.
But one that's degenerating your physical health.
Yeah, I'm not saying, I guess the ability to adapt is very big, but unless it's happening to you, that's something that's very hard for you to comprehend. And so the point I'm trying to make is that I have a lot of compassion for him, because it's coming not just from his parents, but from society in general. And so I would tell them that. It sounds like he has.
That's the problem. This is again, ding, ding, ding, parents, they're a specific type of relationship where sometimes these things that should work and normally do work in other relationships, like setting these particular boundaries.
I would just be very specific. I would say, what I need from you is support in these three specific ways, or this one specific way. Like, I really appreciate when you send me positive messages, like positive good morning messages or I don't know what the fuck, like. parents also want to support, but they don't often know how. And so it might be, again, like with your dad, it's really helpful when you build things that help make my apartment more accessible.
And that would be really helpful to get your support in that way, so that they feel like they're helping you without, yeah, because clearly emotional support is maybe not going to be the thing that they're able to do right now. And so giving them specific things that would be helpful, almost like instructions, I think, could be tremendously helpful. And being also specific with the things that you don't want, saying, when you do that sound with your mouth and you sigh and roll your eyes, or whatever specific things they do, please don't do that in my presence. And if you do, I'm going to have to cut our visit short or I'm going to have to leave the room.
Yeah. That's all you can do is say what you need. And then, if you still aren't getting it, I think acceptance around having limited interactions, if that's what you have to do to maintain your own level of positivity and keep your health up, then you have to do that. And maybe say, hey, I want to spend more time together. It feels like we should be able to spend more time together.
But the reason we're not, just be straight up. The reason we're not is this, is I always leave feeling bad and that I have to take care of you.
Your feelings about my, yeah, what I'm living with.
I never feel good. after. We have to figure out a way for that not to happen. And then see if slowly, it won't, it will not be a flip of the switch because they don't realize they're doing it even probably. That's the thing.
It's so ingrained. Your parents are going to worry about you forever. Yes, that's right. And so now there's this thing for them to really cling on to.
Or even, I mean, again, I've been having some health stuff. I've had some difficulty with my mom because it's the same thing. She just latches onto it and then asks me all these questions, and it's just, it's so annoying. It's just like, it makes it so much worse. And I've just said, I don't want to talk about this topic with you.
If I need to talk about it, I'll bring it up, but I do not want to talk about this with you. And I can tell she wants to, but then we don't. And then I change the topic. I think sort of taking control of the conversation and bringing it to what you do want to talk about with them, and being assertive in that is good. And then also finding, I hope, and it seems like you do, like just friends and even other people in your community who don't treat you that way.
Because I think that's also-.
Yeah, balancing out. Yeah.
It's also kind of an old school way of viewing disability. And I think there's a lot of people out there who view it very differently, and that could be really refreshing.
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some things you want to keep about yourself in the new year?
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I love that. Yeah, I think I want to keep incorporating exercise into my daily life, as opposed to I'm working out for an hour and then that's it. I want to be a little more fluid, which I think I've done a good job of last year and I want to keep doing. And then, obviously, therapy, we're keeping-.
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We're keeping it. We're never letting it go. I've told at least three people that they must start therapy this year. Oh, good. It's just such a good, it just feels like a safety net and we all need that.
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Yeah, okay, oh, well, this is an interesting heading. Another man.
Ooh, the man episode.
Male feminist codependent versus thongs and pubic hair.
I'm so interested already.
This is from Nick. Oh, okay. I like this. I've always considered myself a feminist, but unfortunately,
I'm also afflicted with extreme codependence, which I'm now trying to overcome. I've started by being more vocal about what I prefer in the small day-to-day stuff, and over time, I've worked my way up to more touchy subjects. And this led me to admitting to my girlfriend that there are certain things I find more appealing in the hanky-panky business, namely that I find thong underwear and well-groomed pubic hair to be a turn-on. This did not go particularly well, since she is a quote, big panties and quote bush type of girl, and she got defensive and insecure, saying she has never tried any of those things and never will. She went so far as to accuse me of being anti-feminist, since no woman would ever honestly prefer to wear uncomfortable underwear and spend time grooming yet another part of her body.
However shallow my taste, I know I'm not anti-feminist for having a preference, but my codependence is firing on all cylinders and I need an objective opinion. Are thongs really that torturous? Are there some desires and preferences that should never be communicated when you know the other person won't be very receptive? Thanks, and I hope the syncticate can help. Syncticate?
Yeah. I like it. P.S. Thanks for offering an honest and real view into women. Listening feels like the mature version of secretly reading a Cosmopolitan when we were boys.
Oh, I love that.
It's such a good question.
I love when men write in.
Me too. I really want to encourage them.
And that they listen. Yes. I just think it's lovely that they listen. Because actually, I wanted to bring this up. I have some friends, I know of two of them, who are incredible friends, and because they're incredible friends, they listen to all of the armchair stuff, except one, which is this show.
Huh.
Two men. And it's really interesting because, speaking of feminism, one of them I find to be like so feminist and very progressive and will argue with me on liberal ideals and stuff. And it, kind of like, came out in conversation that he doesn't listen. And he was saying it as if like, like, duh, I don't listen, obviously, because it's a show for women. It made me really think, why would you choose to not listen to this?
because it's to women? Women listen to shows with men all the time. Kind of almost exclusively.
We don't have a lot of other options.
It's so interesting. I wasn't really the right person to push it, because it's our show. Why don't you listen to one of the female show? And no, but what?
Well, this, to me, is the crux of heteropessimism and just how hard relationships are between women and men, because women know everything that men like and men know almost nothing that women like. And that's because we listen to men and we have had to listen to men since we've been born. Information that we get from the news and movies and like, obviously, in the last few years, we've had a big shift. So there's more options. And I think the next generation will grow up with different things.
But like, even our cartoon characters were boys. Yeah. Like, we have empathy. I mean, I was listening. Whatever, this TikTok came into my feed and there's this guy that's like a very big podcast by a man.
There's a few out there. Yeah. And he's interviewing the CIA spy or whatever. And he's like, what's one thing you could teach us about being a spy? that would be super helpful to people in their real life?
And this guy goes into basically like empathy. Like he's like, if you're able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, you become invincible. And I'm like, okay, so empathy?
Yeah.
Like the thing that like women just-.
Innately.
We innately have-.
More of.
More of. But then also that is programming to us, because we are constantly being put in the shoes of men. Yeah.
We're put in the shoes of a person that is not us, constantly without our choice.
And particularly women of color, right? Like, then you get even more granular. But like, I'm going to sound like man-hating, but I think that's why so many of my dates are bad. Like, I'm like, you don't know anything about women. Yeah.
And I know everything about you. I know everything. Again, the thong, I know all your preferences. Right. And I've been thinking about them for a really long time and been amending myself to them, probably too much.
And I think with men, it's a complete sort of reverse. Oh, my God, we went down a tangent.
Well, no, because I mean, I actually, I'm saying this because I want to commend- Yes. These men who have chosen to listen to a quote, girl show or a women's show or a female-based show, because apparently that is not that common.
Well, you know. what's funny is that most of my friends, I don't make my friends, they don't have to listen to anything. No, no one makes. Yeah. But when they do, I just think it's nice.
But I'm, like, you, already talked to me all day. You don't have to listen more of me. But most of the people in my life, most of my friends who listen to the show, are guys.
Really? Yeah.
A lot of my guy friends will be like, oh yeah, I really liked that episode. or like send me like things. And I'm like, more guys listen to it, which is so funny. But that's probably not our demo.
Well, no, it definitely isn't.
Just based on our questions. Yeah.
Well, that's interesting. I mean, that's good. And I just find it-.
Well, it's also, let me just give one also out of compassion for men. It's not cool to like things that women like, right? So that's also what's standing. I think a lot of men would enjoy things that are girl interests or whatever, but are pushed away from them from a very young age. Again, it's like the patriarchy hurts us all, but it sets up men where, yeah, there's probably a lot of potential synced male listeners who just aren't reaching their full potential as Sync Squad members because they think it's not for them or they've been discouraged from.
it. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess it's a natural thing that if you see two women in like a pink outfit, that, like you, won't- Pink and blue. Exactly.
That you won't relate. And maybe you don't. Like. maybe they've tried it and they're just like, I don't relate. But I just find it interesting because these two people in particular, they listen to everything.
Wow. They listen to every other show we have. Anywho. Yeah. Okay.
So, Nick, first of all, it's such a personal preference. I mean, even for women, it's such a personal preference. I do like thongs. And I also feel like I'm not supposed to say that.
No, no.
But I do.
You'll find them more comfortable.
There's a certain brand that I use and I don't feel it. And sometimes when I wear full coverage underwear, I find that more uncomfortable because it can like bunch or wedgie in a way that I don't find as comfortable. So that is, it's just so personal.
And you know, it's a little frustrating. I feel like it's frustrating for Nick. It must be. Right? Because often women are like forcing men to tell them their preferences just out of curiosity.
I do that all the time. Okay. I've done it on armchair, I'm sure, where I'm like, okay, but just if you had to pick, would you prefer bald vagina or bush? I'm dying to know just the general consensus, not because I'm going to change what I do, but I'm just so curious.
Me too.
Yeah. And I think a lot of women are. And I know a lot of women have asked their partners like, what do you prefer? Because some of my friends, I know, have asked their partners, what do you prefer? Because I don't actually care.
Oh, okay. So for you, like, so, like, do you have a preference? Because I don't. It sounds like Nick's girlfriend has a strong preference. And so that's what she's going to do.
And you're going to have to be okay with that. I think it's okay that he said his preference, as long as he follows up with, but I also don't give a fuck. Like, I'm happy to be with you regardless.
You're beautiful anyway.
It's all wonderful. Yes.
I think he handled it the right way. I think these are very normal conversations. I think these are not just normal, healthy. I think it's good to ask questions and to say what you like and then to hear what the other person feels. And that's the thing, like.
sometimes those preferences align and that's great. And sometimes they don't. The person that you're with is into stuff that you're really not into. Or sometimes they're really into something and as a little gift, you're like, I can tolerate this thing and do it for them on their birthday, or do it for them because I want to, not because I feel forced to. And so this seems like it became this touchy topic, but I think that you're allowed to have preferences.
And it's not, you're allowed. You do.
You do.
We all have preferences. Yes. That's just, it's just. Yes. So roll, reverse it a little bit.
If you have a hairy chest or you don't have a hairy chest, and then your partner was like, I really like the opposite. How would you feel about that? You'd probably be like, well, okay. I mean, I have this. Yeah.
I have this. Yeah. So do you not find this attractive? You don't find me attractive? Like it gets out of hand really quickly.
So I think, having empathy again about the way you're saying it. I kind of, I don't know, like. I find this sexy, but nothing is sexier than you. You. Yes.
You, the way you want to be. It's not sexy to have people uncomfortable. That's for sure.
Right.
So if she's going to do this and then feel uncomfortable or feel like gross about herself, that you won't even like it. Like it will ruin everything anyway. So.
And I think where we get into trouble is when we don't say what we want or share our sexual fantasies and ideas, and.
But sexual fantasies and ideas are different than body.
But that's part of it, right?
I see what you're saying, but it's not like. I'm really into anal. I know you're not. Right. Just telling you.
Right. Like, that's different than I like a type of body.
Okay. Well, the pubic hair, I guess you're right. I think the underwear thing, because I hate thongs with so much passion. Oh, you do. But I understand and I enjoy them in the bedroom.
I think there's like a time and a place. But if my boyfriend was like, I want you to wear thongs every day, I'd be like, no, I'm not. And I guess the pubic hair is, but that can also change, right? It's not like lose weight and then like be this thing, be different. all the time.
It seems like it was something that he would want to like, try or like for her to try, as opposed to like be forever.
I mean, he said he prefers that. Yeah. So it's not one or the other. He's just saying what he prefers and it's not what she prefers. Right.
About her own body. Right. So I think you can say your preferences, with the caveat, none of it actually matters. However, you find yourself to be sexy, then that's all I care about, really. So I think both can happen.
I agree.
But we're split on thongs. So it's just person to person.
And all these things, pubic hair too, there's so many different variations and ways of doing.
all of it. Yeah. All of it. I know. Oh, I love this question.
That was good. Oh, this is sweet. Okay. I turned... Oh, my God.
Another man.
Oh, I don't know. It could be a girl. I turned 30 today. What do you wish you'd been told at 30?? This is from Andy, but I don't know the gender.
It doesn't matter. actually. Today's my 30th birthday and it's Wednesday. So of course I'm listening to Synced and wondering what advice would Monica and Liz give me as I start this new decade. I spent my 20s taking life pretty seriously, working a lot, buying my first house, going to tons of therapy, good job, navigating health challenges, et cetera.
Similar to Monica, I also hardly dated, haven't had sex yet, and sometimes feel insane to be so inexperienced romantically. As I look at my 30s, I'm hopeful and I can't help but expect a lot from them. I want to experience life more fully and loosen up. What do you wish you'd known, been told, realized, going into your 30s? Thanks for the light you two put out every week.
Well...
Okay. First of all, happy birthday. Yeah.
Happy birthday, Andy.
Happy birthday. 30s are so much better than 20s. I think 99% of people would agree with that. You really start understanding yourself in a way that you can't in your 20s because you're just learning so much.
But what would I wish someone had told me? I think anytime, you have super high expectations, it's really hard to meet them, regardless of what they are. So...
30 is so young. Oh my gosh. That's actually what I wish I'd known. Because, remember, we talked about that episode of Friends where they turned 30 and there's something so visceral about being 36 and seeing that and seeing them freak out about being 30.. And in my head, they were like 40, right?
Yeah. Because they were a little bit older.
Yes.
But what I wish I'd known is don't take yourself too seriously, because now I feel like I need to take myself... People have expectations of me as in I'm 36.. I kind of need to have my shit together to a certain extent. But in your early 30s, you don't. You know more, but you can still make a lot of mistakes.
basically. Yes. That's really true.
Like, make a lot of mistakes.
Like your early 30s, yeah, fail a lot and take a lot of risks because you're still young enough that you can recover from anything. Like you're still so young and you can make so many changes and take like right and left turns. So don't try and like, yeah, basically the high expectations being like, well, now I need to have my shit together. Like no, you don't. Take advantage of those first few years in your early 30s because people haven't noticed that you're not still in your late 20s.
Yeah.
But you're like a better version of yourself. But you can still be immature in some ways. Yeah. Yeah. I like that.
That's good. You definitely don't have to have everything figured out. And not, you don't have to. You don't and you won't. And we still don't.
I don't. And I have friends who are about to be 50 and some friends who are in their 50s who don't. It's kind of all a game. Well, it's just fake. It's all fake.
It's this whole thing like where we think you are this age, so you should have this or you should feel like this. It's all made up. So just like just enjoy your birthday and get excited that you have a fun decade ahead.
Yeah. And 30s is also where you like. I had a boyfriend that was older than me and I remember, like I had a little bit of a existential crisis of sorts turning 30 or 31.. And he was like, your 20s are for when you, yeah, try everything, do anything. No one cares.
30s is when you actually kind of deepen your expertise. It was more career related, I guess. And in 40s is where you level up. Then you're at the sort of top of that expertise that you've built. But there's something about 30s that I expected things to move as fast as in my 20s.
And that's why I was frustrated and thought I was like failing. But actually, 30s is more of a long game. Like it just, I guess you're more slow and steady instead of sort of rocket ship, which was what your 20s can feel like. And so if things feel like they're going slower, don't worry. It actually is you kind of leveling up and sort of steadying into yourself.
Yeah. And as far as relationships, especially if you haven't had many in your 20s, 30s is a more, is a better time.
It's so fun.
Because, again, you, you know more about what you want and that'll only get more and more and more as you age. And that is the best way to find a partner when you know yourself and know what you want and not let society sort of dictate it. Because I think in your 20s, you're letting everyone else tell you who you need to be. In your 30s, you start understanding who you want to be. That's so true.
So it's exciting.
It's so fun.
Happy birthday, Andi. Happy birthday. All right. Well, I think that's going to be it for today. Thanks for listening.
Guys, keep writing in. We love your questions and we will see you next week. See you. Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
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