In Cyberspace, No One Can Hear You Scream
2024-05-09 00:23:30
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com slash call Conan.
Okay, let's get started. Hi Anthony. Welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.
How's it going?
Hello Anthony, how are you?
Good Conan, how are you doing? This is unbelievable.
Well, for us too, for us too. Anthony, tell us where are you? I didn't really mean that. Anthony, tell us, where are you calling in from?
Where in the world are you, old friend?
I'm in a one-bedroom apartment in Windsor, Ontario, right now.
Oh, okay, Windsor, Ontario. All right. Well, I'm a big fan of all things Canada. I think you're a lovely nation.
I want to thank you for calling in and ask you just a couple of questions just as a baseline. Tell us your name is Anthony, you're in Windsor, Ontario. you're in a one-bedroom apartment.
You have some kind of a flag behind you.
I do yes, one of my favorite bands.
Oh, that's a band. It looks like it's for the Romanov family in Russia.
Yeah, I stole it from them, actually. It was quite tough to get, but you know.
Well, you're a bad art thief because you steal things and then put them on your wall and then go on a Zoom.
Is your hair? I'm just going to comment on it right away. Oh my god, wait a minute, forget your hair, you just drank out of a human skull.
He just lifted a cup that looks like a human skull. I'm hoping it's not a real human skull.
Oh, well, I did steal that from Russia, too. That's how I got it. It actually was from this.
Guy here, Well, I can see it's not real, but what do you? Wow, Okay, and also I was going to comment on your hair which looks to be dyed different colors. Is that right?
There's some black, there's some bright bright orange. This is my natural, this is my natural.
Oh, my apologies, my roots are coming in. I'm so sorry. Yeah, this is red, it's dyed red all the way to the bottom.
Thank you very much. It's full magenta.
I appreciate that, so this is what I'm getting. I'm seeing a skull behind you on the background, I'm seeing that you're wearing a black shirt, your hair is dyed multiple colors.
And so this leads me to question, What do you do for a living? Are you a satanist?
Do you conjure the dead only on weekends? Oh, and you have black finger nails, too. I know I noticed that.
And listen, I am not anti-Satanist, and I'm not pro-satanist. I like to sit on the fence.
Oh good, I'll come down anti-satanist.
I'll be pro-satanist, yeah, and I just think, hey, live and let live, which is not what a satanist believes. No, I'm not, I think, hail satan.
Yeah, okay, so I am a phlebotomist, if you can believe it or not, I take blood.
Oh, we believe it, Anthony. I believe you take blood. now. We know what you're drinking out of that skull. Oh man, yeah, I completely believe you take blood.
Whether you do it professionally, I'm not sure. So you're a phlebotomist? a phlebotomist, I am. Yes, you study blood disorders. Is that correct?
So I don't study, I do like any. Whenever you're getting any diagnosis or anything like that, it all starts with blood tests, right? So they come and see me. I do all the prepping, I make sure all the prep needs to be done for the testing, and then that gets sent over to the lab.
There and then, to assert dominance, I smear some on my hair and that's where the red comes from.
I love that because I also like to assert dominance, but I have other techniques, which I'll tell you about later in a separate clip.
So wow, so you, do you extract the blood yourself or does someone else? I do? Yes, okay, all right.
And you're not squeamish at all about it. Clearly, you're fine putting a needle into somebody and taking their blood.
Yeah, ever since I was younger. My mom would watch like all these like surgery shows. When, like, I'd be just like home. She would watch the TLC stuff and it would be all surgeries and I'd just be sitting there watching it with her. So all that stuff really interested me when I was younger, and yeah, that's just not squeamish at all because of it.
Actually got to help out with an autopsy one time as part of a perk in schooling.
Yeah, Sona, every job has its perks. I've often offered you a free autopsy examination around Armenian Christmas, and you're always real like, that's not a perk.
So you went in and assisted in an autopsy and you weren't squeamish at all about it.
No, not at all. And you'll never forget the smell, that's for sure, but it was probably one of the most incredible experiences of my life. Just cause you, like, nobody gets to do that as like, just every day, right? Except for obviously the person performing the autopsy.
But it was just something neat to see because I don't have the smarts to be a doctor, but it was awesome to be able to be a part of that. Well, Anthony, First of all, I don't think.
You should put yourself down and you are a phlebotomist, and so clearly you have great capabilities. Have you ever been interested in being a, you know, pursuing this further and getting a full on medical degree? Are you content with phlebotomy?
I've been actually doing it for nine years right now, so I'm kind of content where I am and just kind of going about there. That was about the limit of what my knowledge could actually take and before I wanted to scream, but yeah, that was. I think I'll stay here because it was pretty tough.
AnThony Quick personal question whenever I go to get blood drawn. And it's a lot. Because they're always trying to figure out, um, what's wrong with me? And, uh, and um, how can he still be alive? And just based on my complexion alone, there's this constant could he? Is it possible he's dead? But you know what I want to say?
And this is true every time, many times a year I get my blood drawn. They always have a notoriously difficult time finding a vein in my arm. What is that all about? They say they can't find this is people who come in and go, trust me, I never have a problem.
They go in with one needle, it doesn't work, they try another, they say, huh, I'm going to try over here, they can't find a vein. You should get a little tattoo with an arrow that says, like, right here, right here.
I know I should, but even then, I think, is it that my veins are deeply submerged? Would that be the problem? Everyone's biology is?
Technically different in some cases. Um, I've never heard of anyone having issues. So you might be the only one in the world that they actually just might want to poke for fun just to be able.
To get a reaction, you know what's funny? I often hear giggling, there's a lot of giggling. And then usually, if it's at the doctor's office, there's other doctors and nurses outside the door.
And I hear a lot of giggling and high-fiving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they point at you.
And laugh. They all take pools to see, like how many needles you could probably take before you pass out. Yeah, and that's, that's the fun of it, really. That's what we do at our job.
It's, it's.
It's, uh, just side cash, you know? So okay, so you are, and I'm just going to say it as often as I can, cause I love it. You are a phlebotomist.
Uh, you study phlebotomy? uh, you've often given people a phlebotonectomy, um, but also you like to practice the dark arts, you drink from a skull, you dress in black. Tell me a little bit about your, uh, your hobbies.
What do you like to do?
For fun, I'm in a band, actually, uh, with my brother. And um, it's all themed, of course, of about, like, uh, religion and the. And the questions of choice between that type of thing. So that's always been my main question in life. And it's really neat to pursue it in like a musical way. And so we're in a metal band together. I knew it.
When you said.
When you said metal, it was not a surprise. I did not think this was going to be polka, yeah.
You were sure, Polka? Yeah. I was thinking, that's what I started with. I started with the with the flute, and then I ended with a scream vocalist. So what do you do in the band?
Are you the vocalist? I am the scream vocalist. We have two, uh, the genre is called metal core. So you have a half screaming and you have a melodic, uh singing, and so we have a buddy of mine who does the melodic screaming.
And then I do the um, the intense stuff, do you mind, I mean?
Are we okay? should we reset levels? Uh, Eduardo, could you give us a sampling of a scream? You might, yeah, take a sip out of the skull.
First, have some blood, um and um.
I'll put on a spot here and then vocal warmup, No, no, that's okay, I'm sure you don't need vocal.
Warmup Uh, to scream, uh. But give us a sampling of what you might and what would help you should.
I be playing a rhythm track like, Yeah, yeah, give me, give me, like a heart breakdown like.
I will not survive.
Did you do it yet? did that pick it up? because no, what did? did you hear?
Anything, I just heard it sounded like you swallowed a crouton, Okay, so that's basically.
Doesn't pick it up the mic, doesn't pick it up because it's so loud here. Let me try this.
I will not survive. Go back, go back, put the, uh, you Matt, you take over. okay, put the.
Headsets on your desk Step away from the headset, sir, and walk back to the back of the room, and.
Then yell, at least nine feet, and then yell, Yeah, am I trying this for real? Yes.
Here we go. This is not a bit we are very serious about. People that scream I will not survive. It's the Zoom audio filter.
Oh my Zoom. Yeah, hey Sona, that's the ninth time, that's the ninth time today.
Zoom discriminates against people in metal core band. I wanted to hear it, you know, it's so crazy, I got all excited. H for help.
No, no, cause I'm a satanist, but guess what?
No, it's cause Matt had that perfect, uh, perfect middle name for you anyway.
Sorry, Anthony, I have to tell you, uh, I am really disappointed, cause I was, and I'm sure the listener is as well. I was all ready to hear this. Is there a way to disable that function? So, yes, the listener will be able to hear it because he's recording locally, not on Zoom.
What you're hearing is the filter version, so I can talk him through how to turn off the filter. Uh, okay, if you want. Conan, I have music videos on YouTube, Uh, I have my band name is among the rest.
You can check it out if you want.
So, uh, I'm going to google it. okay, I might google it as well. You googling later, you know what?
I'm going to google it at the Guggenheim. Yeah, um, I'm going to. Your band is among the rest, and, uh, and what does?
That refer to what does it mean to you? That's what I always say to people when they say, Oh, what does that mean? I said, Well, what does it mean to you? whatever the answer they give me.
In Ontario, yeah, that's what, that's what we were going for. Oh, good.
Wow, I was so disappointed not to hear the scream. But I guess when people hear the actual, can I simulate what it sounds like to us? I'm going to do what it sounds like to us. I was going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and then you went, and then I went, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And you went.
And then we said, step away from, step away from the headset, go back 15 feet, you did, and then we didn't make any drum sound. Then I heard, Yeah.
It sounded like a milk burp, yeah.
That's actually that's one of our songs, Milk Burp, and you'll find it on Spotify.
But you know what, I'm loving now, Anthony, I'm sure you really do scream. But I do think you should do a set and you guys should record it. Where you play your normal material, but instead of what you normally do, just go.
And guess what, do that in the band?
Sometimes, and we will, like during breakdowns of shows, I will try and spit facts that are not true. In between. There's a silent part before we come in, so like, it'll be like, 50 of giraffes are bisexual.
And then we just come right into a huge breakdown and you just say, 50 are not.
Bisexual Uh, if 50 are than 50 or not, got it? Um, I, uh, I love that. I think you'd be good in a metal core band because I have a pretty good screen.
You should play the triangle. Yeah, you should play the triangle. You don't get it, man, you're scream.
No, I'm a good screamer and I'm a very dynamic presence on stage. And I do think that Satan resides within me, that you got that.
Right, that's for sure. The only way to prove it is if you ever make it down this way for any reason. Come play a show with us and I'll put you on as a feature. Well, first of all, it would be up that.
Way, Anthony, No one comes down to Ontario, but he's a satanist, he's in hell. Oh, I see, yes.
That's right, you're in the lowest reaches of hell. Very nice, very nice. Um, so, uh, how do you get along with people you work with?
Do they accept you for who you are? You're? You're a little bit. I'm going to say it the way someone would have been, like 1952, and it was in an older guy. In entertainment. You're pretty far out there, you know what I'm saying?
I mean, you're way, way out, you're a wildcat. Yeah, yeah, I think, uh, getting along with them is really well.
And I think it actually, uh, translates well to like, Hey, it's somebody different. So they remember me in a way, you know? It's like, Oh, there's that guy at that lab that, you know, does that, and I'm playing music in the lab all the time. And people know when they come in, they're like, Oh, where's the metal? where's the metal? So they, um, they're able to see and hear and just what I'm about, and I don't hide it. But it's great like the patients love it.
I have a 70 year old fan and she wears my band shirt to work all the time. Yeah, maybe she's got a little crush.
Yeah, she might actually. Yeah, it's you never know. I have a question for you, How good are?
You at putting that needle and do you have, like, a ginger touch? Cause some people are a little.
Painful, and others just have a knack for it, you know, not to toot my own horn, but I feel like this was like, kind of my calling. And people have said, you know, they'll walk in and be like, nobody's ever gotten me. Uh, I can't, and then I'd just be like, done. And it's with practice. I've worked in, like cancer clinic stuff for school, so you get a lot of hard picks.
And with that practice, you know, sometimes it just, Uh, I'm good, that's all I can say.
Hey, that's right, but you know what, it's nice. You started out, you know, you're trying to be self-effacing. And then it, Oh, that just cracked away, like, like, Uh, an ice sheet.
And you said, I am the very best that's ever drawn blood. I would want a confident, I'll wear that proudly, I don't want an insecure. How many times have I said in my life I love a confident phlebotomist?
How many times daily? Yeah, yeah, it's comes up a lot, almost as much as she said, Fuck you, Zoom.
Um, so, uh, well, you know, I wish that you drew my blood because, uh.
No, because I, um, I, uh, they notoriously have a hard time, uh, finding blood inside me.
Let's see those arms, maybe you don't have veins.
Well, I'll, I'll, I'll look at them from here, we'll, we'll see if I can. Uh, I can find you one. Um, if you ever come up this way, I, uh, I could do a blood test for you, you know, I get.
I can show you the guns.
Come on, we got the gun show going on here, come on. I think I would be too intimidated to take your blood if you showed me those guys get in here, get in here, okay?
All right, so this is what's that? No, but wait a minute, still, I see beef cake.
I see you've been training for our arm wrestling rematch, you know? Actually, I've just been doing a lot of hey, I like to hit the weights. Um, uh, listen, um, I don't see it. I'm going to tell you that it's right there, where it's right there.
Just.
Just right there got one right here told you I'm good, okay, hey, is it because I'm freckled that they're hard to see?
Believe it or not, gingers actually have a harder time taking blood. That's just fact, why I don't know.
I'll ask Satan.
Hey Satan, and he's in the.
He's in the corner, he's just eating, he's eating girl scout cookies, huh?
He's just he's just feeding God knowledge. Hey, if you guys want to just make this terrible, just make gingers have terrible veins, and that's just that's where it comes from, honestly.
A saint? There are advantages to being a ginger. I got to tell you, but I don't know what they are.
I haven't encountered them yet. Uh, you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say that Anthony's.
My favorite phlebotomist, thank you, you were my favorite talk show host, and I say that with honest to God sincerity that is, I love you so much, man.
And I appreciate everything that you.
Do that's very, that's very kind of you, and I'm glad that you enjoy our our brand of. I don't know what it is we do here. It's probably not legal, but I'm glad that you're enjoying it. And do you have a question for me?
If there's anything you, I can help you actually, so my.
Favorite thing in the world was, uh, your trip to Italy with Jordan Shlansky and Conan Without Borders. I love that. Yeah, um, it's kind of a two-parter. if you don't mind. um, one is is Jordan Shlansky AI.
And the second one is, what? How did comedy translate in different countries? Now here, it's like you get the quick wit because there's a lot of play on words. But when you start to get into different languages, like, do they understand that? Like, when you're going around in the city and you're yelling pasta at, like, pasta names to speak Italian at Italian? People? Do they just think you're insane, or do they understand that there's this level of sarcasm?
Two questions, and I'll take the first one first. You ask, is Jordan AI? I wish he were AI because I could press delete, but no, he unfortunately is who he is. Uh, he's a real person and I love that.
He came with me and in this new show that, uh, that we just did for Max. He shows up in the Argentina episode. And if you want to look for that, that's, uh, it's called Conan. O'Brien must go. It's on Max, it's a reason to get Max, and a son will reimburse you.
Now to, Um, that's just a contractual agreement, you just said yes to, and then to, um, no. Sometimes, uh, what I do? I try not to, uh, offend or anything. But I've found that when I'm in countries where people don't speak the language, I'd become more cartoony. In a way where you don't almost need to to to understand English to understand that, this is a very ridiculous, silly man. So one of my favorite moments ever was in Haiti, in a classroom of young, beautiful Haitian children. They were laughing really hard because a maniac just came into the room and I basically was a party clown.
They didn't, there was no wordplay. But in that specific moment when I'm, I'm walking through the streets, uh, of Florence with Jordan, and I'm shouting out to the crowd. And I just decided, since I don't know Italian, I'll just shout Italian director's names, so I'm saying, Scorsese, you know? And uh, yeah, there was a few pastas in there. But for a while, I was just doing and coppola, and I think I did yell Rigatoni. And a guy went, so he did understand that I am an asshole. So, um, you never know. I try to go in with pretty good intentions.
And then, uh, um, I think for the most part, I try to. If it's not translating with that person, I hope it translates back home. So that's kind of the answer to that one.
That's excellent, that's awesome, but I do really appreciate it. Because my TV has a Conan O'Brien TV station. So I don't have to pay for anything or give you any money, I can just absorb you.
That way, oh, you mean you have a Samsung? If you have a Samsung, that means it is the Conan O'Brien channel. Yeah, oh, I by all means buy Samsung televisions.
First of all, do the best televisions and, uh, wonderful flat screens. But also they come with, and it comes with a Conan O'Brien channel of you, yeah, if you need Conan of you, yeah, yeah.
So I'm just saying, if you want to, you know, if you're enjoying Conan O'Brien, maybe you should check out a Samsung TV. And I'm not.
Getting any money for this? They also have the 24 721 Jump Street channel on there, too. Is that?
True, it's true and a Bob Ross channel.
Um, hey, uh, buy it for the 21 Jump Street channel, but then secretly, uh, you'll grow to love it for the, Uh, Conan O'Brien Nonstop channel. Uh, anyway, thank you for convincing me to promote Samsung, which I wasn't promising to do. Uh, and again, not part of my contract. But Anthony, Uh, you are a you're a great fella. you're a great fella. And I do hope. I do hope one day our paths cross and that you can find where my vein is.
Oh, oh, wait a minute, that's.
Hey hey Anthony, come over here. I want you to drain the vein if you know what I mean.
We have this on the recording. I'm under arrest. I will say this with confidence, Conan.
If you come to me with a blood test sheet, or however you want to do this and you need some, I promise you not that I will try. I promise you, I will get you and guess what?
I want it done.
I want it done on stage with your band, it's you do this, I come out, and you, yeah, as the band keeps playing, and you occasionally go.
You take my blood. I love this Anthony. Hey Anthony. very nice talking to you.
Thank you, it was an absolute pleasure. thank you so much. salute you and Canada.
And then you were going to say something nice about Sona, sorry to interrupt you.
Yeah, say something nice about Sona. Okay, I was going to say, Sona, thank you for googling me.
Okay, interrupt.
No, but say something nice about Matt, too, cause he does a lot of work.
Hey.
Good to meet you, Anthony. Wish there was time to talk about these guys. Bye.
Love You Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.
Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it Away, Jimmy.
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