Sgt. Microphone Glassian

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Hi, joy, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.

Hello everyone, Hi Joy.

Chill chums, I'm so excited to talk to you guys.

Tell us about yourself, joy first of all. Where are you right now?

I'm in this. You might think it's a dungeon, but it's not. it is a hotel room. I am currently at a conference, the American Association of Zookeepers.

I hope you're a zookeeper, or else I feel very sorry for you.

I am indeed so my day to day. I work with Humboldt penguins, Caribbean flamingos, Aldabra tortoises, American alligators. One of my favorites that I help fill in for the snot otters or hellbenders, and then fill in with manatees and some other aquatics.

So where is your zoo?

Central Ohio in Columbus.

Okay, in Columbus, Ohio, and this is a zoo that do you have a lot of other animals or and these are just the ones you specialize in, correct?

So I'm in the Shores region, which is probably one of the more diverse regions to work in, just because we have a lot of local conservation projects. But it is a catch all. So it's like reptiles and some aquarium stuff, and yeah, yeah, birds throw those in.

Are there any animals that you wish that you were in charge of that you're not in charge of? Like, man, I'm I wish I got to hang with that bear, or do you know what I mean?

I would love to work with otters or tapirs, I think they'd be so cool.

Wait, but you said you work with a snot otter, a snot otter that is an otter.

So no, it's a loving phrase for a hellbender, which is our largest amphibian in North America. So they can get to be like close to about two feet when they're fully grown, and they live under rocks. They're good stream indicators for stream health, and they're slimy, hence the snot otters. But it's like, when you're talking to kids and the public, like, they really latch on to snot otter, like, what? But they're actually, I mean, they're really cute.

So you'd like to more time with real otters and less time with snot otters. Is that what you're saying?

Wow, can I be greedy? Can I have both?

Sure, sure, but why? When I suggested bear, you didn't take that? Do you have a bear at your zoo?

We do, we have several.

So what's your problem with the bear? Why wouldn't you want to spend more time with the bear?

They're amazing, but I'm also really short and sometimes I like to work with things that I'm bigger than, so I don't think that's a problem.

Me, too, I only hire people who are smaller than me so I can lure it over them.

That's everyone.

Yeah, exactly.

It is a very competitive field, so a lot of times when we're out there, scrubbing poo is a lot of our job. They will turn to their kid and be like, See, if you don't go to school, you'll end up like that. And it's actually, we get a lot of schooling. I got a master's degree in biological sciences, and yes, scrubbing poo is part of it.

You're telling me that you're at the zoo taking care of the animals, and sometimes you're picking up poo. And you'll hear a parent say to their kid, Yeah, if you don't study hard, you'll end up like that one. Have you actually heard someone say that?

Who are these dicks? Yes.

That's terrible, that's brutal. First of all, I'm sorry, I said it.

You weren't even with your kid, you just said that to a random kid.

I said it to a random child. He started crying and said, Who the fuck are you? So joy you take care of all these different animals. Tell me about tortoises, because I've never connected with tortoises. I like animals, but I don't connect with the tortoise.

Quite a gimmick.

Yeah, the tortoise, tell us about it.

Okay, so they're amazing. And granted, yes, you can have some that are like, Nah, I don't want anything to do with you. But um, we, and personally in my care. Um, we'll take care of our aldabra tortoises that are um 76 and 56 years old, and Bubba is the oldest animal at the zoo.

You have a 76 year old tortoise. Does it talk a lot about how? Now? Eisenhower Eisenhower was a president, he was a commander in chief, but also he had a lead troops in the field, unlike our current presidents. Take it easy, tortoise.

Um, well, I don't know that I would go straight to wisdom, but charismatic, absolutely. Um, hands down, so even just walking in to their yard and you say their name, um, a lot of times. When they're not napping, they'll perk up and they'll start coming over and walking over to you. And they love scritches on their neck and their shells, and they stand up nice and tall. And they, they were, um, I mean, they're, they're a day brightener.

Doesn't it take them 40 minutes to come over to where you are? They're very slow, aren't they?

You have such beef with tortoises.

Well, I'm sorry, but it depends.

No, they're slow, if they are on a mission, they can move quickly.

Okay, not in my experience.

They, they can move slowly, yeah, but a lot of times, if you have a good, you know, if they want to hang out with you, they're going to come over. So a lot of times if we have to bring them inside for the evening because it's Ohio, and in the autumn and early spring it gets too cold for them to be outside, we like to encourage them to come inside.

All right, I'm going to be honest with you, Joy, I've never met a charismatic tortoise.

I have to agree ever.

You need to spend more time with tortoises.

And can I say something? Your bar for charisma is super low. You were like, Oh my god, these tortoises are so charismatic. Oh, really, joy, tell us.

But here I am talking to you, oh, oh.

So I have the equal amount of charisma as a tortoise.

How do tortoises mate?

Very carefully.

So the males, oftentimes on the underside of their shell, will have like a concave indent. So that I have that.

Yeah, I have a concave indent caused me a lot of shame.

He'll mount the female and then they kind of will tuck their tail underneath where their cloaca is, and they'll mate. Oftentimes, the males will make noises, they grunt. You usually can hear several buildings over when the tortoises are mating, because it's a very loud yes.

Grunt like, what?

Oh.

Yeah, but smaller ones. That could be a tortoise, or anyone I know, I mean, I'm going to be honest with you, I might be part tortoise.

Oh, come on.

No, why don't give me body shame, I'm telling you about a very I'm opening up here.

Well, then you should be more into the tortoises.

Yeah, is this self-loathing?

Yeah, because you see yourself in them.

And maybe my shell is my sarcastic exterior. Yeah, yeah, bullshit, a lot of teeth.

Yep.

Describe these penguins. Are they the penguins that we see in cartoons? just that run around in bow ties and stuff? Is it those penguins?

So they're a warm climate species of penguins that are in North America.

God, I'm so stupid, I can't believe you're putting up with any of this joy. You have all this education and knowledge. I'm like, Ah, these are the ones that have the bow ties. They wait tables in cartoons.

To be fair, we do have an Oswald Cobblepot to play into that.

Oh, wow, that's the name of one.

Oh, mm-hmm. oh. And he runs like it's his colony, too, so he is kind of the villain.

Is that an emperor penguin?

No, so they are Humboldt, so they're South American or Peruvian penguins, they're medium size, they're smaller than a king, and emperors are the largest.

What's the largest penguin? How big would it get?

Like, they can probably stand about, oh, like, species-wise, or like our penguins, sorry.

No, just any penguin. I'm just curious, what's the biggest penguin in the world?

You want to know if you can take it.

Well, let me hear the size first and then I'll determine if I can fight it.

I don't work with emperors, but I do believe they're probably closer to three and a half, four feet. I would have to fact check that because I've never worked with them. But the ones I work with come up to my knee, so they're like, I don't know.

What's their personality? What's the personality of these penguins that you work with?

The level of Sass is probably a mixture of cats and high school girls, oh, I would say.

Oh, wow.

Okay, very sassy.

SASSY And do they get into it with each other and sort of gossip about each other? yeah.

Oh, they're always yelling at each other, absolutely.

Hanging out at the mall?

They try on makeup, but never buy it.

Sorry.

They steal scrunchies, come on.

They steal a lot of things. You guys don't know anything about teenage girls.

I know all about them, I know all about teenage girls.

Okay.

And flamingos, you work with flamingos.

Absolutely, so they are taller than I am, some of them, we have a flock that. It has been my goal to name every single bird when I first started, because they were just numbered. And I thought that was kind of a cop-out.

I did that with Matt and Sona when they were first worked here. Number eight and number 11. Don't ask me why.

Not even in order. What happened in between?

You don't want to know, let's just say they didn't work out and their families miss them.

Not so much. Yeah, no.

Could a tortoise ride a flamingo?

What are you laughing at? In this case, size matters, so I would say teeny tiny yes. But it would probably fall off because flamingos are flirting, walking everywhere, flapping wings, bathing. They're not one to stay still for too long.

Can I just say that you're a highly educated person who's worked very hard to take care of these animals? Is there some part of you that's insulted by the idiocy of my questions?

It's kind of like the spice of life, so I'm not insulted.

Good, well, I would be if I were you, you should be.

Well, there are a lot of children that come to her zoo, probably that's true.

So she's used to it. I bet you, even children don't go as low as her. There's the tortoise ride, the flamingo. Billy, you're stupid.

I mean, we keep a quote book at work for all the questions that we get, so, you know?

I'm in there now.

Yeah.

Well, do you have a question for me? Joy? I'm here to answer your questions and help you in any way I can.

So one I have for you and the other I need the help of you and the chilchums. The first one is just kind of fun. If you were a penguin. Because they often bring offerings to their mates or mates-to-be, like rocks, or, you know, special rocks or something, what would you bring to woo your penguin mate-to-be?

Signed headshot Jesus of you, Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, I'd have signed headshot, that's what I did with my wife.

Oh, no.

Yeah, I said, Hey, you seem like a pretty nice lady here. Hold on a second and I keep them in the trunk of my car.

Oh god.

Yeah, I had a headshot, a Conan O'Brien headshot, and I wrote all best wishes.

And she went for that. I used to have such respect for Eliza.

I know she went for it.

Wait, they're headshots of you.

Yeah, yes, no. They were Regis Philbin headshots that I kept in my trunk.

It would drop it, it'd be like, absolutely not. They don't play with it, but they probably wouldn't eat it.

Okay, so nuts are out, all right. I'd bring a herring, I'd bring a herring, put a little bow on it, you know what I'd do.

The tortoise and the penguin, My God.

These are adages.

Like absurd fable from a drug addict.

I know, I know. There once was a flamingo who was asked by a tortoise for a ride. Then a penguin came by and said, I can't eat a nut, but I'll play with it. Is this fable going anywhere? ASAP? I don't know.

Well, did you say you had another question?

I did so. This one is kind of important because my co-workers and I are known for naming our chicks very elaborate names. For instance, our flamingos are named after it's always sunny and arrested development characters, and our penguins. We just kind of have free reign. So there's a Charmin McSnugglebum, who was named after the toilet paper crisis of 2020..

Wow, that's impressive, that's some great ink you got there.

He's gorgeous. And then the honorable Cheddar McFluff esquire was named to make fun of us by our co-workers. But we thought it was great, so we kept it. So this is kind of where the bar is at, with our characters that we have in our colony. So my question is, do you chill chums? Have some names that you would like to suggest for future chicks in our colony?

Oh, wow.

Sergeant Microphone glass.

Make sure you say what you're currently looking at. Can we take it again?

Sergeant, Sergeant is my contribution. Okay, microphone, glass.

Okay, but I'm wondering if you could just say what you're seeing in front of you when you do that microphone glass. Okay, that sounds good.

Sergeant Microphone Glass esquire.

I thought you'd do an Armenian name and put an i-a-n at the end, oh, sergeant microphonian.

Oh, come on.

That's not anything bad.

I know it's not, I don't know why. I think, Yeah, right, it's fine. So sergeant microphonian.

Yeah, Glassian, that's good.

There you go.

I'll go little little cold bird in a hot, sweaty world. Cluck, cluck, ping ping, wow, wow.

What an asshole.

You're telling me.

Can a tortoise ride a penguin?

That's great, I mean, those are good names. Are any of these usable so far?

It might be a little struggle, but, you know, we might be able to work it.

What about just Ben? Just a simple name like, Hey Ben, that's nice, you know, because you guys are getting into, Oh, it's Mr. Fluffernutter Habaldoo.

We do have a Bruce banner, but.

Why does that? Does that penguin turn into like a mean penguin?

So he was really spicy when he was younger, and if you didn't feed him, his fish, so his herring. A certain way, he would flip or slap you and get just really angry. So we kind of gave him a spicy name, especially to. He would carry around a one of his toys. And like, rub it in the other penguins faces, and then like, slap at it, so yeah, very spicy.

Why didn't you name him the Hulk, instead of the mild mannered version of the Hulk Bruce?

It turned out so when he got angry, we would say, Bruce, come here and we would start preening around his face and he would calm down and just start preening his back. So it worked out perfectly.

Yeah, if it ain't broke, don't fix it, I always say, and that's another name you can use.

Feel free to come meet the tortoises and see the connection that you can make with our boys.

I don't know, I don't like tortoises. We don't hit it off. You got to get out of that hotel room joy because you've been in there for a while.

Do you see the zookeepers party? Oh my gosh, yes.

Now we're talking, What do you do?

We're a fun group.

When there's a zookeeper convention, how does it get off, duh?

Yeah, how do zookeepers, mate?

Oh man.

I can't answer that one, but my husband, who runs the poop truck is not going to like any of those questions.

Your husband runs the poop truck.

Oh yeah, I call him the poop Smith, but yeah, he runs the compost truck.

So you saw him go by in a poop truck and you said, I got to lock that down.

No, we met at the trash compactor of Love, that's different, oh.

Well, anyway, so your husband drives the poop truck at the zoo and is he with you on this convention?

No, no, because we spend a lot of time in conferences like presentations and stuff like that. And then at night we'll do usually dinner and go out karaoke or whatever.

Oh, karaoke, if not, you guys going to do some drinking tonight, you think, at the zoo Convention?

There has been throughout the week I actually have to run home tonight to pack and then fly out for vacation tomorrow morning. Oh.

Where are you going?

Hawaii, Oh.

I'm excited you might see some interesting wildlife out there, you never know.

Hawaiian monk seals it's on the list, Nene's.

Oh, so, when you go on a vacation, you just make a list of the animals you hope you run into.

Yeah, partially, so if there's a zoo nearby, so we'll go to Honolulu Zoo, absolutely.

When I go to New York, I have a little list and it just says, pigeon on it, I always check it off. Never a wasted trip, all right, joy. It's been a lot of fun talking to you.

Thanks, Joy.

You as well?

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