We DO Talk About Bruno

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit team.co.co.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi Bruno.

Welcome to Conan, O'Brien needs a fan.

Hi there, Bruno, how are you good?

Good and yourself.

I'm doing very well, very happy to speak to you, Bruno. Where are you right now?

Likewise, I'm calling from Madrid, Spain.

Oh, Madrid, you're in Madrid? guess what? I've been, uh, I have not been to Madrid, uh, and I've always wanted to go, um, and uh, it sounds like an amazing, amazing city to be in Madrid.

Yeah, it's just a cool place. It's, uh, you know, people tend to compare it to Barcelona, but it's not. It has nothing to do with it. Really is, uh. Less party here, much more culture and things like museums to visit, so it's a different vibe, but it's a really nice place.

You know, I don't want to start any trouble, but Barcelona or Barthelona, depending on how you like to hang. Um, they, they're always going on about their paella, and it's always shrimp and paella, and do you want some more paella? Oh, did you like your paella? Guess what, we have for you, more paella?

I don't want to be that guy, but it's actually Paella, not Paella.

No, no, no, excuse me, you're like 80 there.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to correct you, but Bruno, it's try again, it's Paella, okay?

I might've been doing it wrong my whole life.

It might be that you've been living in Spain and you're not saying it correctly. I'm from Massachusetts and it's a paella, yeah.

We love you.

Yeah, no, but uh, you must. uh, I bet, uh. People must comment on that. Quite often, they must say, Oh, you're a you're a handsome, handsome fellow.

No, not really, like, maybe in the Spanish, uh, genetic pool, I'm like, average, I'll say, maybe on the lower side of average, come on, no.

I don't think so, but basically what you're saying is that, uh, everybody walking around Madrid is incredibly handsome.

A race of sex people.

Yeah, yeah.

You have to visit Conan.

Yeah, well, here's the problem now. I don't want to, because if you are considered a solid C plus in in Madrid, I don't want to go there because I'm barely getting by here in Los Angeles. And for me to go to Madrid and suddenly everybody is just incredible looking is going to be terrible for my self-esteem.

Well, you know, you, you, you did a good job in Israel, where there is a lot of handsome people.

I know, but I think you did a good job, just existing there.

You did okay, just being there.

Everyone, everyone in Israel thought I was a delightful older woman. They thought, what a. what a nice. what a nice pensioner. She seems terrific. That's what I got a lot in Israel. So uh.

You might get confused for a for a Finnish politician, that's true, that's true.

It's happened before, it's happened before. So here's my question for you, Bruno, what do you do?

So I work as an airline pilot here in Madrid.

Oh my god, Bruno.

That's like an attractive job, yes.

These two just want to be you, yeah.

Yeah.

Bruno, you don't, you have no idea who you are. You're a very good looking guy from Madrid who's an airline pilot. You've, I mean, you've got it made.

I don't know, I don't know. what do you mean? I don't know.

You're lying to me.

He's got a guitar in the background.

I mean, yeah, you just can't get cooler.

Yeah.

Come on, when you're wearing the uniform, I just bet it's magic, I have to say.

Do you have the hat? Could you put it on? Indulge us? Oh my God, what?

Oh, no, no, no way. no, no, I'm not going for that.

So um, I lost.

Women only come and ask me about where, where is the baggage claim built and stuff.

Oh, but listen, let me tell you something, Bruno, that's the oldest. Come on. In the book. Women are constantly saying to me, Excuse me, do you know where the luggage thing is? And I know right away.

Yep, damn it.

I want to wear epaulets.

In a hijacking way.

More than a hijacking way.

I need to take control of this plane. Yeah, exactly, that can come by a bit suspicious.

So, uh, wow, do you like being an airline pilot?

Yeah, I love it, it's a very nice gig. Um, it's not for everyone, though, it's, uh, it's got its ups and downs.

Okay, all right.

Let's watch Andy's funny.

Yeah, he is, so, wait, so uh, what are the? I mean, I know the upsides would be, you're traveling, you've got the uniform with the epaulettes. Uh, there's lots of, uh, upsides. As far as I can see. What are the downsides?

Well, it's. It's not very easy to mix it with your personal life. You know, you work a lot of weekends and bank holidays, uh, you're away from home. Uh, so yeah, it's a. It's a bit hard to organize your life really, so you really need to to to love it.

Yeah, probably hard to establish a steady, stable relationship. you're probably forced to have many, uh, different relationships in different string of them, string of them.

And it's so hard not to mix the names, you know?

Oh, hey, hey Bruno, tell me about it. Okay, because, you know, I wasn't an airline pilot, but, you know, talk show host, podcaster, Different town every night.

Um, no, you're not different at all.

Your lives could not be more different.

The two of you could not be more different. You are my exact opposite, Bruno in every way. Um, yeah, I can see that. Do you think I would make a good pilot, Bruno? Do you think I have what it takes?

Uh, you know. Oh, come on.

And he's honest, this guy.

Well, tell me, be honest, Bruno, give your assessment.

So I think maybe your the length of your legs would be an issue with the rudder pedals. Oh so, that's something to have in mind, but maybe if they make a special cockpit for you, you know, maybe.

Special cockpit. What am I, the elephant man? Um, okay, here's my other. I want to be honest with you because I don't know how this works, but I tend to panic a lot. I was wondering, I get very panicky. Um, and I might be someone who would constantly be putting the plane into a power dive or a power climb.

Yeah, you could be an aerobatic pilot, maybe like a very panicky aerobatic pilot.

Okay, all right, maybe that's my field.

I don't. I also don't think you're good at putting others at ease if you're in that kind of tense situation, like if there's a lot of turbulence.

Yeah, I'd probably say, hey, attention, ladies and gentlemen, this is the most turbulence I've encountered. I don't know what the fuck's going on, I don't know about you, but I'm trying to open my window and get off this plane. Those are the kind of announcements that I would be giving. Would you be comfortable having me in the cockpit with you?

No, and I think you would probably enter the flight deck with a parachute, too, so.

Yes, I'd have a parachute on my chest and my back, and I'd be holding a vomit bucket. And I'd have my airline's pilot's hat on backwards and sideways. So it would be a bad look all around.

Oh man.

So you travel the world. Do you think we'll be seeing you soon? Do you get to Los Angeles ever? or do you fly shorter routes?

For the moment, I'm flying short haul, so yeah, basically five hours or less of flight time. All within Europe, some parts of Africa, or maybe Israel or Jordania, places like that.

And let me ask you, when you've landed the plane and you're in a foreign country. And now they say, Okay, you don't have to report back to work for 24 hours. Do you go to a club? where do you go? do you go out dancing? What do you like to do?

Yeah, it really depends. I'm a big foodie, so I like to find places to eat that are kind of nice. I really like pizza. So throughout Europe, you'd be surprised outside of Italy, how many good pizza places there are. So I have my own ranking of best pizza places to eat throughout Europe.

What's your favorite pizza that you've had so far in the world?

In the world, well, it has to be Naples, that's a starter.

Guess what, I have a place that I went to. I went to Naples on a travel show and I took an associate of mine there, and we went to a place called Sorbillo.

I feel like you're bringing this up because you want to take Bruno there.

On a date, on a special date. Bruno, I would love to take you out for a pizza. It doesn't have to be Sorbillo. I would love to take you out. On the condition that I also get to wear an airline captain's uniform.

An actual wingman?

I want to be an actual wingman, I want to be dressed as an airline pilot, and I want you to. I want us to meet up with other people, strangers. And I want you to help me with the lie that I am a great airline pilot. You need to play along. Would you be able to do that?

100, I think, as long as we don't get into any specifics, any technical terms, I think we.

Still do.

100 correct.

Meaning, what do the wings do? how do the flaps work? Yes, that could be a problem, but I'm going to. If I came and visited you, I would make my own airline pilot's uniform the coolest airline pilot's uniform ever. And we would go out and we would hit the clubs and we would tell people that, yeah, we are both airline pilots.

Let's role play this. Sona and I are two foxes out at a club and up come these two handsome pilots.

Yeah, let's try it out right now. BRUNO Okay, we just walked into the club, we go up to the bar. There are these two lovely ladies right here, okay, hi.

I'm pretty good, I'm good too.

Oh my god.

I'm already a girl, I don't need to do that. Oh my god.

It's too, Chef Boyardee.

We're going to the next table.

Yeah, no.

Oh, look at you, both of you, a couple of train conductors, what are you?

We are not train conductors. Madam, this is my good friend, Bruno.

Are you maytagman?

No, no, these epaulets are only for women, these are only for experienced airline pilots. Bruno is a pilot in training, aren't you, Bruno?

Yes, I have about whooping two flying hours.

Yes, yeah, he's done two flying hours, and I, of course, am one of the most experienced airline pilots of all time and a war ace. I shot down 17 planes.

Did you say he had two flying hours? Wow, that's impressive.

Okay, well, listen, no, I want to hear more about Bruno.

Yeah, hi Bruno, now listen, Bruno doesn't-.

Could you run and get us a couple? Shirley Temples?

No, I'm not going to leave. Don't be mistaken, Bruno was. He's been charged with some crimes, but not convicted. Ooh, dangerous.

Bruno, is this man bothering you?

Enough about Bruno, I'm here too.

We don't talk about Bruno.

Listen, Bruno does have a terrible skin condition, don't you, Bruno?

Yeah, it's all tan.

Yeah, I might look 25 years old, but I'm actually 95, so I can hear that.

Oh yeah, he's 95.

Oh well, then we better get started quick. No, no, no, oh my God.

His urethra's a mess you don't want to. It was damaged in a bicycle accident several years ago.

Oh, my fetish.

Yeah.

God damn it.

Bruno always wins, You always win, Bruno. Oh man, Bruno, we're going to hit the clubs. Okay, you're my wingman.

100%.

Did you have a question for me, Bruno? Anything I can do to help you?

Yeah, so, you know, sometimes as airline pilots, we need to convey messages that are not so good for the customers, you know?

Oh my god.

Engines on fire, we have to divert to another aircraft, to another airport, whatever. So do you have any tips for me?

Yeah, I would start with.

They can see through the window.

Yeah, oh sure.

No, no, no, no.

That's you say, that's first of all. You say, if you see flames out the window, that's because we're testing something for the government. It's all fine. We're actually we're cooking, we're cooking some omelets in there. But no, you don't tell them anything like the engine is on fire, or we just lost our airline and our, you know, landing gear.

He's got the mile-high poops and we've got to get him down to sea level.

You create, Yes, okay, let's go with that. One of our pilots, co-pilot, make it someone who's not that important, the guy who works. The third radio man has the mile-high poops. We're going to land and let him take care of that and everything's fine, and ignore those flames out the window. That's we're roasting a chicken in engine number two, okay?

Okay, okay, perfect.

Have you had an engine catch fire?

And have you had the mile-high poops?

My question first, then yours, Have you had the engine catch fire?

That's not a method of any sorts. No, Conan, what?

You haven't had it happen? Yeah, it's just not. Just don't tell people that. No one wants to know if my life is going to end in some kind of crash. I don't want to know, I want to be lied to till the very end.

Okay, I'll take that advice.

Yeah, lie till the end of my career, lie, lie to the passengers, they don't need to know.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Well, you know, so are you? No, that marriage is on the rocks. Oh, after I met Bruno.

Bruno you homewrecker, Yeah.

Bruno, you destroyed my marriage.

Hit me up if you come to Madrid, Conan.

You and I at a club in Madrid. We are going to kill it. It's going to be amazing, it's going to be incredible.

You're going to buy so many drinks for people just because people are going to keep sending you away. So they can have time alone with Bruno.

Okay, that is totally, that's true. What a shitty thing to say to me.

They're going to set up a little VIP rope section just around Bruno, and you can't even.

Get in.

Bruno's going to leave with 11 women and I'm going to be standing there, going. This bill is very high.

Thank you guys, this was a blast.

Take care, take care. Nice talking to you, bye.

Bye-bye.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gourley produced by Me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino.