Disrespectfully - Five Star Kissing and Back Tickling | Episode 10

Welcome to Disrespectfully, with Katie Maloney and Dana Kathan. Unapologetically, we're here to do what we want to do, spilling the tea. Babe, you're going to see the power of women, like disrespectfully. Hi. Hello.

My flank feels good.

Your flank looks good. I mean, I can tell you have a glow about it. It's a proper flank glow. Like I can tell it's functioning properly.

I look balanced.

You do. If you're not watching this podcast right now, Katie looks like she's going to the Grammys. Her makeup is flawless.

I'm not. I'm going to the opposite, but I'm going somewhere after.

What's the opposite of the Grammys? I don't know. I know where you're going, but I don't know if that's considered the opposite. Maybe it is.

It's not the opposite. I mean, but definitely not the Grammys. What the hell?

Do you have your setting spray on?

No. I didn't set my face today. Well, I set it with powder, but I didn't use the one size. Love the one size.

You do love the one size. I don't know that you'll be doing rigorous enough activity to require it, I would say. Yeah.

I don't have all-day activities.

Yeah, it's pretty lowbrow. I need to address, I sound horrible, so I'm sorry. I obviously love you and our audience in this podcast, because I feel like I'm dying, but we're going to get through it. I don't know my, whatever. the metaphorical equivalent to a bad flank is, is still like I'm dealing with that.

You're just falling apart.

Falling apart, but we're going to be back next week, better than ever. Like, there's no way this can continue, so I think I have- You sure about that? Yes, I think I have- I hope so. I think I'm feeling like Van. Gogh.

And give it to your lover. Yeah. Is that what he did?

Actually, what, does anyone know what Van Gogh did with his ear?

The circumstances in which Van Gogh cut off his ear are not exactly known, but many experts believe that it was following a furious row with Gao Guan at the Yellow House.

Is that an animal?

I don't know.

What's a Gao Guan?

Afterwards, Van Gogh allegedly packaged up the ear and gave it to a prostitute in a nearby brothel. He was then admitted to a hospital.

Close. Okay, Leia, it's 2024.. He gave it to a sex worker, not a prostitute, but-.

I'm just reading Wikipedia.

Maybe that's what I should do. We don't know, but-.

Go, give it to a nice young lady.

Maybe I have gargoyle and I need to cut it off and find a nice- Find a nice lady of the evening to give it to?

A lady of the night, give your ear to, say, my lady. That's so romantic.

What if someone handed you an ear and they were like, I made it for you from my body.

Oh, my God. Did you like that post that I tagged disrespectfully in, that meme, is it a meme or is it a post? I don't know. Where that girl did the screenshot from her Uber Eats driver or whatever. It's like, sorry, your order's running late.

Body. Body? Body.

I don't care what, who, anything. If someone was bringing me a lemon from their tree, I'd be like, that's a funny way to propose, but okay.

I'm going to make out with you.

Yeah, come inside.

It's like the sudden of it all.

I'll be waiting.

With her making out with her driver, I'd be like, Uber Eats, do you want to-? This is enough food for two. I just, I want to throw that out there, if you'd like to join me.

There's not two of us. I always order extra, so come on inside, Steven.

Exactly. Oh my God. Your favorite movie, The Holiday. It's like when she's checking out and they're like, someone's having a party and she's like,

You betcha.

Here's the thing. I need to discuss this, and I don't know if it's going to be relevant by the time this episode comes out, but it's really, really killing me. What do you think is going on with Kate Middleton? I need to discuss it because the conspiracy theories are absolutely stunning me, because they're amazing, but what do you think is going on?

What did the Royal House say, that she had some sort of medical-related procedure?

I think they said abdominal surgery.

Okay, well then, why is that not sufficient enough? Why do people not want to believe things when they put them out? I know often sometimes they want to just sort of put it out to get people to lay off, but that seems perfectly reasonable. for her to just be resting and not out in the public. That's a reasonable enough excuse for her to not be out and about.

As me, I'm speaking in, I don't want to believe it. No, I think it is, but how do you feel about the Royals in general? Do you watch The Crown?

I don't watch it, but I've dabbled.

Okay, you dabbled. You're crown-curious?

I'm crown-curious. Crown-curious, yeah.

I just think that they have, obviously it's the Royal family, they're very proper, so they do put spit on stuff and whatever, so I get why people are feeling this way, but there was a photo of her, allegedly a few days ago in a car, and it kind of was giving, remember when Queen Elizabeth was rolling in the Range Rover and she had a hood up and it was like, they see me rolling, like that? So people are saying it's not her, and she does. She has these Mary-Kate Olsen sunglasses, circa 2006,, and it's not, it does look suss to me, but some people were like she got a BBL, which obviously she did not get. Some people are like she, please hold, yeah, some people are like organ transplant, which, who knows, maybe it is. I don't know, maybe it's just because she's so proper that, you know, it's like she gave birth and then walked out looking like Cinderella, like they.

Maybe she got a mommy makeover.

I don't think that that's the craziest thing that's ever happened.

Yeah. I mean, the thing is, if she got anything extreme done, any kind of plastic surgery, any kind of any, it's going to be obvious when she finally does, like, come back out into the world. So can't really lie about that, but I mean, I think if it was an invasive type of surgery where you cannot be walking around because there could be some type of movement that could cause some internal bleeding, she's got to lay up, you know, rest up.

Well, I am increasingly surprised by how fugly I am willing to look in person. Yesterday, I went to Takaya to get lunch. I was going to pick it up, but I was so hungry. I was like, I'm just going to sit here and I looked and there was no one. It was really, it was early, so there was like no one in there.

How isolating. I mean, yeah, when I was married, I would go out looking like straight up trash, and I care, because who am I trying to attract? I don't care what, you know, it didn't matter to me. And that's like not the right attitude to have, because I, you know, my mom always said, take pride in your looks, like always look nice when you go out. And I was like, ugh.

People always say that you never know who you're going to meet. You never know. Sometimes I see a hot person in the wild and I'm like trying to make eye contact and then I remember what they're like.

You catch your reflection in like a window, you're like, oh God.

Yeah, it's just really upsetting, but I just don't like, I'm always like, I miss the 50s when people, like, you know, had their cute little outfits, they always put together. And I'm like, bitch, if you lived in the 50s, you'd look exactly the way you look right now. So I don't know, you would have been more of a pariah, because it wasn't as socially acceptable. And we live in LA where it's like athleisure wear all the time anyway.

I know. Well, that's what I used to put on. just to like, go out, just be like, well, this is an outfit, but I don't do that anymore. Like. I actually just put on clothes.

Stop shouting at me. I'm aware, but I mean, I wear a sweatshirt to this every single week.

It's kind of fun to do.

Well, it's like the clothes that I have for daytime, just, they never see the light of day. It's like bats come out of my closet when I open it, but it's like, I just go to my legging drawer, but the legging drawer, everyone, every, every lady, has a legging drawer.

I know that thing. When I opened that one, bats come out.

God, I aspired. I hope I am that person someday.

I got like four leggings that go in rotation and they don't even make it in the drawer. They just go on like a chair.

I know. I look, I look at mine. I'm like, okay, do I want to wear my pilled leggings today? My faded gray leggings today, my new leggings today that feel like shapewear, not the pill.

Hold on. Moi.

I am too. And I just am.

No, they're like string cheese.

It's really upsetting. Also, those are so good. When's the last time you had one?

All the time. Because you know who likes them?

Gordo.

Butter.

Mmm.

You dangle it above him and he goes.

I want to do that next time. Oh, yeah.

It's fun. We share, we share a string cheese. He knows, he knows the sound, he knows the sound of a rubber. It's really cute.

Do you guys, lady in the tramp, though?

No. He's too aggressive about it. Mmm. Nothing's going to come between him and that string cheese.

You come in with stitches over a string cheese.

That's the last thing I want is another scar on my face. I got enough of that going on.

I've only had stitches one time, and it was in my forehead right before my sister's wedding because I impaled myself with fake antlers.

Ma'am, how do you?

Okay, so I'm a clumsy elf, as you know, and I was cleaning, first mistake, and I had, this is, okay, so this is like 2017, so I had those like three faux antlers, you know, they were all white, like it was just like a decoration. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we were coming out of those type of eyebrows and the, you know, the fall makeup that everyone had year-round.

2016?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, 2016,, we're coming out of that. So I have that aesthetic and I'm like cleaning my room and I go to pick up a pillow really fast and I impale myself with an antler. I literally stand up and it's in my skull and I grab it because I was like in shock and then I just felt blood coming down my face and I, yeah, I ran in the bathroom and I was like scared to look at it.

Mm-hmm, hot.

Anyway.

Great story.

That's the best story I've ever told, obviously.

Have you ever felt the cool, like, leave you? Like if you're talking to, like a hot person or something? Or just in general, like you're just, I don't know, do you like have just like a, like a software glitch?

I'm looking at you in puzzlement right now, because that happens to me all the time.

Yeah.

Obviously, it's like I have so many conversations where I'm like I'm better than this, I'm off my game. Yeah. I'm like, I need to get my groove back. Did you have a situation that happened about this recently? What happened?

No, I was just talking to this guy that was like really hot, and I was just like, I don't know what happened, but like I was, it was a really simple conversation, just trying to say like, okay, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, girl, I'm going to just say cool, and then I started saying great. Like one of those where you're like, ugh.

Wait, what movie is that from?

Mean Girls. You know? And you're just like, all I had to say was like one thing, and then I, just like, said something really cringe.

Was this an in-person conversation?

No, it was through text, but then also, just like in person, and you kind of like, you might just like do something, and you're like, God, I'm so weird.

I don't have insomnia. I have embarrassment from the last 33 years. That's what keeps me up at night. You think about, I'm like, you're fucking weird. Why did you say that?

Yeah.

Okay. So is that activated? What's happening there?

Nothing. But then he also kind of did the same thing, so. Okay. I think we're both like the same kind of awkward thing, where we were just incapable of being cool in front of each other.

Well, maybe you just intimidate him so much, but I feel like it never happens with the other hot people. Like, I do that a lot, but I never notice that the person that it's happening to, like, I never get that meeting in the middle of like, oh, you're also cringe. It's either they're cringe or I'm cringe, which probably explains why I'm single.

No. I don't think that's, I think you're always cool. Thank you.

I think you're always cool. You couldn't say anything cringe to me if you tried.

Listen, when I see something and I have, and something funny comes to mind, I'm going to, I'm going to write it.

If there's one thing about Katie, she's going to leave a comment if something comes to mind. So...

Well, Page Six had reposted this story about, like, Tom and this, like, new girl that he's seeing. Really cute girl. I don't have any, like, feelings about that. Like, he's dating, I'm dating, it is what it is. I only had issues when it was, like, somebody in the friend group, when we had an agreement.

And it was funny. I need to clarify, because then I saw that on Comments by Celebs and I commented on it and in all caps, because it was, I was cracking up because they referred to her as, first of all, she's very cute. I'm happy for them. That's great. Date.

I wasn't hating on anything. It was a joke. Yeah.

I deleted it because, like, people were being so weird. I was like, no, I was just saying page six, you are such a messy bitch.

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Yeah, you're in full goblin mode and you just go into the freezer and it's like the only thing that's good about your day.

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It was just, everyone's like, oh my God, leave him alone. Stop bullying him. I'm just like, oh my God, I'm always going to roast him. I'm like, it's not that deep, y'all.

My question to you would be, because I have recently, I've had a problem with this. I've almost called several people and it's one person's name, who does not exist in my world anymore, that I don't know why. this is the name that always comes up for me. What would you do if someone called you out of your name, like another woman's name?

Like a guy that I'm seeing? Yeah. Are they calling me their ex's name?

Yeah, like an ex's name.

The thing is, I get it. That can happen. But it's like, if they haven't been with this person for literal years, that's weird. It's not as weird because it's like Tom and I are in contact with each other. So if it's the same situation where they see the person and Tom and I work together, we're still very much in each other's lives, in some capacity, you know?

I think it would be weird too. And I probably should be more forgiving, because I've caught myself. I don't know why that's happening to me. And it's maybe, you know, when you're afraid of something. So it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, so it keeps coming up.

It's the when. What is the context into why? And it's also like, do I remind you of them? Is that a good thing? Is it a bad thing?

Have you ever done it?

I forgot someone's name. A person that I had dated for a period of time, they had like an A name. Like it was a name that started with an A. And I just introduced him by like a different A name.

You're like, Amanda, please.

Their name was something that started with an A. And I think it was like an Andrew or like an Alex. And I called them by the opposite.

I once, I mean, I've been off dating apps for a while and it fucking feels good. But I was on a hinge date. And I, it was a J name. And now I cannot remember even, I think it was like.

Not a J name.

It was a J name. It was like Jason or Jacob, or whatever, whatever the name was. I went up and I was like, hi, blah, blah, blah. So nice to meet you. And he paused and I was like, that's tomorrow's date.

Are you ever worried that, like certain like little bits that you might have with people that you talk to. You'll forget what bits you have with certain people and bring it up. And then they're like, what are you talking about?

Yeah. Do you know what I did recently? I sent someone a photo because I was positive that it was theirs. I sent someone a photo of socks and I was like, are these yours? Because they were weird and very specific.

Okay, that is.

And he responded back and was like, I have never seen those in my life.

No, I'm just worried that I'm going to bring up like a jokey thing and be like, ha, I thought you laugh at this. And they'd be like, what are you talking about? I'll, just, if I can't be certain, I'm just like, I'm just not going to do it. And then I get a bum because I'm just like, God, this would be so great. Like, ah, this would get such a laugh right now.

I mean, I don't know. Better safe than sorry. I would say I've learned that. But I, okay. In addition to earlier, we're like, do you feel the cool leaving your body?

Always trust your gut. I always pick the wrong line. That's like the same thing.

Probably in terms of what?

Like, you know what? Okay. The wrong grocery store line, the wrong line at the airport, you know, when they're like, after they check your like ID and then, like, you, have to go pick like the line to actually like, go through security. I'm like, which one? And I try to see, like, okay, who has, like the kids?

You're using context clues in everything.

Yeah. I'm just, I'm trying to scan the room. I wonder if those like Apple Vision pros could like help.

We're talking shit. also. We're like, watch this with them at the airport and just like trying to navigate. If there's a 50-50 chance, I'm going to get it wrong. That just, what were we just talking about?

I know. Devastating. I always like, even as funny as my comment is and I laugh to like my ass off, I still like, regret it. I'm like, I know people are going to like, it's going to land for a lot of people, but this is just going to get reposted. Like.

The one that you said recently, that was so fucking funny is you were like, one of the Toms did something stupid. It was probably Sandoval and you like, commented on it.

I was like, hey Schwartz, you want to come and explain to everyone what he actually meant to say?

Yes. And then I, but again, I like, tried to say it, but it was just too funny of an opportunity. I was like, Katie, what are you doing here? So fucking funny.

It's usually in the morning time, like right when I'm awake, I'm the funniest. I woke up the other day at 6.45 in the morning and I was texting with somebody, something to do with hot dogs. And I was like, I was just, I was really on, I was on fucking fire and I was like, it's 6.45 in the morning and I'm the funniest person I know already. Like. this has set the bar really high for today.

For the day. Yeah. It'll go down from there.

I know, but like pretty good.

You're like a, someone who's losing their memory. later in life. They have like sunset hours. So you're funniest in the morning. Yeah.

It's when I do my best work.

Speaking of hot dogs, that gasp was the cutest thing I've ever heard in my life. What about them? The excitement. Well, this was just funny to me. So we had posted this, someone posted a, it was a hot dog candle from Costco and it was like, obviously made up of like what it smells like to have your pop and your hot dog.

Yeah, that's feels right to me.

That was on brand for this podcast.

Thanks for that spirit, gods and guides.

We didn't take the bait. We didn't get the message because I was like, what could they have to tell me through this?

Venmo me $800 and I'll let you know.

It's been such.

Smells like a scam. That's what it smells like. It does. What were you going to talk about back tickles about?

I mean, this is like such a right turn. It has nothing to do with hot dogs or Costco, but.

To me, back. tickles and hot dogs are like, these are a few of my favorite things.

Love languages on the boat, not to bring it back to the cruise.

We can always bring it back to the cruise.

Which is honestly, remember when I thought I got away with murder with the sink water? This is probably a sink water ear infection.

You have an amoeba.

I have an amoeba and it's in my ear, and that's what's happening. So this probably is sink water.

What am I just eating you from? Okay, sorry.

You know, I'm a hypochondriac. Don't do that. I'm going to look on Reddit the second. we're done with this.

I'm joking.

Not your best work.

I'm joking. Okay, anyways.

So, I don't know. Somehow we got in the conversation of back tickles because I was like sexting someone about back tickles.

Did I tell you about my back tickles?

I think we did, but we'll refresh. Let's bring the group into the conversation.

Well, this is kind of my cringe moment. Well, I don't know. So this really hot guy that I hung out with recently, when I was going to sleep, he was like, I'm going to put you to sleep. And I was like, all right. So he was tickling my back.

Also keep that to yourself.

Yeah. So I, of course, thought about that. for the next, I'm still thinking about that. Is that an ick?

No, that's, I mean, also I'm like, we're just hyping up your skills as a back tickler. You'd be shocked.

Wouldn't you want to know if somebody was like having like, if, like you, if you touch somebody and you're like, hey, I have a really nice reaction to your touch. Thanks.

Well, a hundred percent, but also you'd be shocked at how many people are bad at back tickling. It is not long division.

Hey, you're really good with your hands. That's cringy.

No, that's not cringy.

I mean, I use, I use more descriptive words than that, but like, I don't know. I don't think it was cringy.

I don't think it is either, but also back tickling is like more important to me than penetration. So do you feel that way? Like I could, if you could have back tickles.

It's very intimate.

Back tickles or sex for the rest of your life, and you have to choose them, what are you choosing?

Back tickles.

I think back tickles for me. Like. that is what puts me to sleep again. Do I have insomnia or do I just need my back tickled? Probably the latter.

It's bad. It's still like kind of good.

That describes like not only many of my relationships, but like a lot of sex. It's still like,

I can work with it. I can, I can work around this and work with it. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, bad kissing, though, is like, like really wet kissers.

I mean, I think those things coincide.

No, not necessarily.

I mean, well, like what are you describing then? Someone? that's just like,

Oh yeah.

There's somebody that people,

there's people that literally just go like this with their like mouth, and it's just like wet.

Okay. Here's the thing. They're so everywhere. Like bad kissers. And for me, what defines a bad kisser is someone that can't get into a groove with you.

The, like, the, the ones that are, it's just wet. And it's like, they're not doing anything like with their tongue. They're just sort of like, it's just,

it's like a little like clammy, little dirty tongue.

Yeah. It's like, do you have any skill here? Like there's, there's a bit of an art.

Absolutely.

to like what you're supposed to be doing here, and you clearly haven't learned it. And so you're, you're not really, you're not paying attention to like what I'm trying to do. You're not trying to match what I'm trying to do. You're just doing like whatever. Like, what are you doing?

Are you an iguana? Like,

Oh,

when you want it to be over, when I want it to end.

Okay.

But if it's like, I like it, but it's just not going to happen. I would do, I like, maybe in my early twenties, but now the only time I do that, when I'm like, let's get it over with.

Okay. If I feel like, Oh, he's like waiting for that. Okay. Uh, yeah, then yeah,

you can tell when they, like they just, and you're, they're so hopeful and you're like, it's just,

yeah.

More disrespectfully. You're a bad kisser. More honesty, 2024..

I mean, it's, it's, those are way more few and far between them. Like, thank God it's been, I haven't kissed a lot of bad kids. It's,

it's been a while, but it's, there's, I've definitely, I mean, I can think of some, probably in the last year, that I've just been like, but for someone that I haven't,

I, it's been a, it's been a while since I've kissed someone that I'm like, Oh, never again.

For me, it's like, if it's someone, I think it's worth investing in all, like I am, I also feel like in the last few years I've been a lot more confident of being able to tell someone like what I like or what I don't like. So if I think someone's worth my time, but if I'm on a bad date with the toe grabber and I don't want to, like, I know it's not going to be a thing. I'm like, I, this is not worth. Yeah. Pursuing for me.

Yeah.

It's like a movie trailer. I'm like, I don't know, man, I don't think I want to see that movie.

I've had some really good kissers, though, lately.

But the problem is on the flip side of that, a good kisser can ruin your life, because this, someone that I was stuck in limerence with from last year, I mean, it was the best kissing of my life. And then there was a lot of staring. Don't look in their eyes. That's where you lose your, that's where like,

Yeah. You're under a spell. It's almost worse when someone's a really good kisser, because then it's like when it's ripped away from you and the rug, yeah, the rug is pulled from underneath you. You're like, well, thanks for that, that I'm never going to have again.

Legally blonde. You gave me the best night of my life that I never hear from you again. She slaps him. You should be ashamed. I don't know.

which, if you're wondering, I'm a really good kisser though.

Fantastic. Yeah. Like, I mean, that goes without saying. we're obviously great, wonderful.

Clearly.

I encourage anyone I've ever kissed to write it and say I'm not. Cause I will, I will hunt you down. Well,

yeah, obviously I'm, this isn't coming from my own opinion. I can't kiss myself. This is just coming from reviews.

Reviews. Yeah. I've got five stars on the Yelp of kissing. It's like, come on.

They should have a wiki feet version of good kissers.

Oh yeah, absolutely. Should we start the wiki feet for good kissing?

No, we should just make people fill out like a,

I want references,

comment, rate, review. At the, at the end of a date, just like, if you don't mind, like, you know, someone, you know, when, like, uh, when you get out of the Uber, like, Hey, uh, do you mind leaving five stars?

Either you just, I just flipped my phone around and said, I have a couple of questions for you before you leave. And they like the tip.

Do you mind just filling this out? Can you just,

the percent there, sign it, go ahead and let me know.

Yeah, just, it's just like overall experience, any feedback, comments,

questions, concerns. That's it. Did you ever see that black mirror episode of what Bryce tells Howard? And did you like, when you have any interaction, you like, do your phone at them, and it's like how you get your rating in life. Like, perhaps we could bring that into the fold.

No, I don't like dark,

scary. So I don't even watch that show. I don't even know why I watch it. Cause it's just too dystopian. Like freaks me out, which is the point,

but yeah,

life's hard enough.

We're already living in it. We're,

we're living it.

We're in black mirror.

Am I the world's dumbest person that I didn't know that? that was a reference to your phone black mirror? Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. Referencing the, the this,

when your phone is clicked like that. Yeah.

Well, I didn't know that forever. I recently kind of found that out.

Talk,

TikTok University teaches me everything I need to know and more.

Perhaps we should do a series on TikTok of what constitutes a good kisser, but anyway.

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Do you know what else I learned about on TikTok? Tell me. People talking about their cryptic pregnancies. That was a weird corner of TikTok I ended up on.

How is that even a thing? Because the people who talk about this a lot of times are like very thin little people that will show photos of themselves when they were like nine months pregnant.

They're like, yeah, I was having like some like weird, like cramping. So like, I was just like, oh my God. And then I like the next thing. I know I was like giving birth and I'm like, hold on. I was having weird cramping and I had a bladder infection that spread to my kidneys.

Imagine the shock of someone. You just like think you have a UTI and someone hands you.

And for nine months you had no other indications, no other, like symptoms of pregnancy, until, like you were literally giving birth. How is that fucking possible?

Well and don't? they say that some of them like have some sort of period or what they thought was a period or. Yeah.

So. So. But this is terrifying to me that, like you, could still like, be like going about life, doing activities that you should absolutely not be doing. Be getting some semblance of a period and then, just like pop out a child. that's like.

healthy. They're having like sake bombs with their sushi, eating a club sandwich on the way to work.

Just carrying on in life that like like and then delivering like a healthy child, or these kids, these children are OK. I mean, I know like in, like the like 60s and, you know, whatever, like people were like smoking through their pregnancy.

Let's take it up to the 90s, because we don't know why I am the way I am for a reason.

When it was like, far more like common, acceptable, yeah, common, you trying to fight me right.

now? I'm not fighting you over that. I don't know. Common.

And people, you know, are walking around and they're like, yeah, yeah, due in June.

Oh, it's a girl. I mean, also. She comes out with a marble in her hand.

I will say that majority of the people that are having these cryptic pregnancies are a lot younger. So I think they're. I don't know what that means, but I want to just Google.

I'm guessing because it's called cryptic. They still don't know. But like, where's Bill Nye when we didn't? What is that? Like, how does that happen?

There's Bill Nye.

I need him for lots of things. A cryptic pregnancy or stealth pregnancy is when a pregnant person doesn't know they're pregnant. Duh. In some cases, in some cases, a person may only realize they're pregnant because labor begins. Most people don't realize they're pregnant until somewhere between four and 12 weeks.

And then there's a baby coming out. I'm like.

Do you think you could deliver a baby like if it was an emergency? No. Like someone else is like if I was about to have a baby, a cryptic pregnancy.

No. Whenever there's an emergency happening around me, do you know what I do?

Mind your business.

Think.

OK.

I hope, if you're ever dining next to Katie Maloney and you need to have a baby. I'm useless.

I freeze. I freeze. I'm like. There was one time I was going somewhere with my grandma.

Tell me what happened.

We're sitting at the airport and this guy. At my feet collapses and I'm like this.

Not this.

Well, first of all, I was young. What the fuck am I going to do? How old? I was like? maybe like 18..

But what the fuck?

I was just like. I was like this.

I just saw a TikTok of this girl. It was like her first day of work and it was a camera shot. And she goes, falls back and it's like, boom, like hits her head. And the coworker just stands there like this and walks over her arm that's draped out to go alert someone. And everyone in the comments is like, you could not be less helpful.

No, I could probably be a little more helpful, but honestly, I don't know, like CPR. One time I was choking on a piece of like steak or whatever at a Korean barbecue. And I was there's people around and I'm like literally like. It's almost lights out and I'm like the spare rib is how I go. No, it's like a little piece of meat.

You have press on at the time, or was it just your good, strong nails?

It's just my fingers and I reach all the way back into my throat and I pluck that thing out.

Tell me, you don't have survival skills.

I do. I do. I do. But I think it just has to like, click in at some point that like it's, like life or death.

Well, now I know, the only time you mind your business is when there's an emergency.

Listen, I could probably help somebody if I really needed to deliver a baby.

Yeah.

Here's the thing.

I'm going to lose this. And I worked in health care sales, like. I've been in surgery a lot. So my inflated ego of what I think my abilities are could get me in trouble, because if we're on a plane and someone's having a baby like, is there a doctor and I'm like, kind of, and I just I would fucking stand up and run down that aisle and I'd be like gloves. I think I could do it.

I don't feel like easily grossed out. So I I could like I could be down there. Yeah.

I mean I've been. I've been like I see the head. You'd go in with your the same. plucking your beef plucking fingers. scouting the beef plucking fingers would get it anyway.

But I would.

Same thing. Like I have a high threshold for gross things. So with and trigger warning blood, I'm like I've been splattered in surgery with else.

these are.

Yeah. Those are maybe that's what that's like the equivalent of the suction thing. It's like you just go in there.

You said I had a lot of unfortunate things. Yeah. A lot of unfortunate places.

Anyway. so if there's an emergency and you see us out in public, definitely look for me, because I will. I will get in there.

I will eventually come to aid. once I snap out of my it's, it's like it's a, it's two seconds that I'm like and then I'm like oh my God, what the hell's happening. You know.

Yeah.

I mean some people can act a lot faster. Some people that it doesn't. it doesn't even happen to them. But I was just like the man collapsed. I was like did he just die.

Is he OK.

You OK. Dude.

Who's in your basement this week.

OK. You know one of those my basement. Yeah. OK. My people.

I just feel like you're not a noodle. Leave me alone.

Like. it's the same fucking thing. Guess what. But when I say when I, but when I say penny noodle, you know what I'm talking about, right. And when you say pasta, I know you're talking about like.

Even if you did do all that, I would still know what you meant. Exactly.

It's the same fucking thing. like you. These people are just. they're just like little gnats online. so I'm just.

Stop talking.

Like this shit it's it doesn't matter. It's not important.

Well, the problem is.

To you or to anyone else to correct us, like it's not a noodle, it's called pasta. it's not like shut the fuck up. Go in the basement and fight it out with the wall, like no one cares, like nobody cares.

Should we start sending like gladiator tools down there and just let them just like deal with it.

You and the dust bunnies can fight about it for the rest of time, because like nobody.

It's the same thing. That's a good one. Also, because people, you want to engage them sometimes, but you also don't want to give it, because it's like what is your day looking like, if this is what you are worried about.

Yeah. Noodles the broad umbrella. You can call it, whatever the fuck you do, pasta food on this that like help, like we can break it down and get really fucking specific about the names and proper terms, and in which countries call it what all day long. at the end of the day. When we say noodle, we all know what the fuck we're talking about.

Well, sometimes it doesn't have to be that deep. Sometimes it can be annoying people in the basement. the basement is a spectrum, all kinds of basement.

So we're noodles.

My basement. Obviously, my ear infection, my Van Gogh ear basement. And then I just my lease ended. so I just got a new car and it was just so crushing the very end of it. I had to bring it in for its annual maintenance before returning it.

in the noodle on the way down.

So my mind's not that I do. I did. It's amazing.

OK.

Anyway, I. Yeah, mine's not that deep that this week. but also you know what I have, my these are my shapewear leggings today. They're not the pill ones. I just noticed I put a nice pair on.

Yeah.

Eva says hi, girlies, I've been my boyfriend for over a year. We have just moved in together and I've discovered he's been using only fans buying, not selling. My question is if he's willing to do the work and communicate, would you forgive him. Love, Eva. Very curious your thoughts on this.

Oh.

So also I feel like we did need more information, because only fans, isn't it like? unlike if they're just watching porn or whatever. you can communicate with the person and, like, have an ongoing.

Yeah, you can buy like videos, you can specific, you can buy like chat with them. So I want to know like what is he purchasing. Right. Or is it just? is it just a subscription?

How do you feel. OK. So we're going to. let's just. we have to work with the information.

I'm not. I'm not as familiar with with only fans like I don't really know, like you're.

paying for naked people. You can, I think it's. I think it's also a spectrum, like suggested nudity to actual porn. So, but I think there is an element that there is interactiveness. Do you want to clarify this for us.

So it's like the patron of porn. Yeah.

Let's go. Let's go with that.

So, with only fans, people can pay for content, photos, videos and live streams via a monthly membership, subscriptions, direct messaging tips, pay per view content and more. OK. So because you can get direct messaging, that is that is a little bit of a red flag that the direct line of communication I don't like. you know, I don't have an issue with people paying for content, paying for subscriptions. I don't know, I don't.

To echo what you said. it's it's a boundary you have to decide for yourself. So I think it can't be put into a bucket because I think different people feel differently about it. Like, I don't think I would care about only fans for me like that's, but that's just me. So if it is something that bothers you, what she's saying is if he's willing to do the work.

I would try to understand his perspective on it, even if you don't share the same perspective, just to try to understand where he's coming from on it and then share your perspective on it so he can try to see your side of things and if there's a way to meet in the middle, if not, you know then you got some things to think about.

And I understand that you just moved in together. so that's a whole nother logistic. when it's like OK, we're tying a life, but then what you have to decide is, if this is a problem for you and it's coming up this early in terms of the grand scheme, if you could see yourself having a future with them, then it doesn't really make sense for you to continue investing even though you just moved in together. So figure it out now.

100%. Lily, my camumdrum, hello, my angels. First off, thank you for this podcast. it's been an empowering journey for me. I met a guy the other week, Inge, and we were hitting it off like crazy.

Just told you I was off the apps.

I know I'm projecting past experiences and I know that I should be enjoying this amazing connection and see where it goes, but I can't stop fearing abandonment for the next ball to drop. Can you, lovely ladies, offer any advice on how I can get out of my head and learn to trust the process more? How do I play this cool when I'm in fact not cool? Love you both, Lily.

And also it's so much easier said than done.

I know.

It's totally, you're right, but it is like. I just want to give space for that, because it is so hard.

I'm not saying that it's like, oh yeah, easy. I'm just saying as much as you can just constantly get yourself back into that space is like what the goal should be. The goal shouldn't be to be focusing on the person and where it's going and worrying about them leaving or worrying about abandonment. It should be worrying about whether you like this person, finding, discovering things you like about them, discovering how you feel when you're with them, like, just like always, kind of bringing the energy back to you and the moment and all that.

I would also say she's probably not going to want to hear this, but if this is a consistent pattern you're having when you're liking someone and then all of a sudden it sends you into this area, it is possibly something you need to take a beat from dating and examine too of like. why, when you start to really like someone, that you all of a sudden feel very unsafe and it sends you into this spiral. And I know this from personal experience, because this used to be how I was. So definitely trying to stay present if you really like them and you're already in it with them, but you will probably keep running into this if you don't examine like where that's coming from. And obviously if you have past trauma and relationships, it's again, not that easy, but something to definitely explore.

But I think, being aware that you are projecting past experiences, if you know that, then huge.

That's a great start, being aware of it.

So say this is the path, so stop it.

Also, you and I are both very uncool in this way too. So, like when we like someone, it does happen. So I also understand like you don't have to, I don't think you have to play it cool. Also, being able to be with someone safe enough to just say like, hey, this is what's coming up for me. And if you can't, then that's probably not the right person for you.

Totally.

Angelina says, hey, girls, love your new pod and enjoy hearing your advice during WWDD. I'd love to hear your advice input on something. I'll keep it short and sweet. I'm 29,, almost 30 and still a virgin. I've been talking and sexting to this guy online for about two months.