#641 - HOWIE MANDEL

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Hey, this is Redman coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of The Kill Tony.

Yeah, make some noise for Redman, everybody.

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Guys, you gotta do better than that. Are you guys ready for tonight's fucking show?

Well, well, well, this is one of those episodes we're going with one guest tonight, and this is one of those magical moments in the history of the show. When we started this at the Comedy Store 10 and a half years ago, there are certain comedy store absolute fucking legends and icons who helped build that club.

Part of the backbone of that club. Most of them aren't even fucking alive anymore, but meanwhile, we're able to snag one that not only is alive, he's thriving. One of the best, one of the backbones of the actual comedy store.

A paid regular for almost half a fucking century, a fan of Kill Tony? It is a goddamn honor. Ladies and gentlemen. His first time on the show make some noise for Howie Mandel.

Wasn't a joke, the truth, the fuck is wrong with you, but anyway, I told him. I started in the 70s and the feeling of this show when I went to the comedy store in 1977. Richard Pryor would walk on the fucking stage, and I'm telling you, jaws would drop and he would shock.

And there's no such thing as political correctness. It's fucking comedy. And now I live in L..A. and it's tough. I can't say what I want to say.

And this is the only you give people a platform to do it, right. It's funny, it's raw, it's fuck.

That you are fucking out of it, we don't stand for that here. I love that you have rules.

I got thrown out, what'd you do? I said, How are you? and he threw out not only me, threw out the guy I was sitting with. Yeah, they did.

They threw out, Why would you ask him how he is? Yeah, OK, tough, it's a whole different.

This is a different ballgame, it really is. It is wild out here on these streets in Austin. And we're so honored to have you, Howie Mandel. We're going to have so much fucking fun.

I cannot wait. It is we're going to find out who's got fucking talent tonight, right? Yes, we are, and you know how it works, Howie.

They're talking, you're talking to each other, What are you saying to each other? Get the fuck out of here.

They were talking, I saw it, I saw it. What were you saying?

Those guys what killing a fifth drinking before? Oh, they were drinking, oh so we got a fucking telling on them.

Yeah.

They analyze the situation very quickly. That's the great Mercedes over there, ladies and gentlemen. What appears to be a hot chick is a fucking former Navy seal that will kill you with an index finger. So, you know, very multifaceted staff we have here at the Comedy Mothership. Joe Rogan.

In order to get a job here, Rogan watches you kick a heavy bag, so it's not easy to be a security guard here. Okay, how about a hand? We have the great George Floyd here, seating people.

He's alive and well. Oh, it's David Jolly. Okay, the legend of the show, David Jolly.

I get them all confused sometimes, anyway. A ton of people signed up for the chance to be on the show. Howie, you know how it works? If I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know, their time is up, and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them, interrupts them. And then we talk to them. I interview them, we find out more about them and what they could be talking about, or what makes them interesting. And we're going to get right to it.

But I'm going to pre-pull a name here, and we're going to get them from the bar next door. We are pre-pulling, and they're not even in the building, they are actually next door.

There is a dirty, dirty little bar called Shakespeare's, right next door here, where we funnel the comedians into. They stand around, they wait. One of the producers runs over out the back door, into their back door and yells a name, and one of them gets up excitedly. And they double check, make sure.

Is that a club? is it a club? It's like a bar, yeah, so there's people that are in that bar that have nothing to do with Kill Tony.

Yeah, so there's, there's a guy sitting at the bar, going going. I'm just, Uh, you're, you're hot, but uh, my name's in a bucket. I can't, yeah.

I can't stay, yeah, can't do it, but I'll just be a minute and then I'll be back. And maybe later we could fuck or something.

Like that, and now there's two more guys at Shakespeare's that are like, What the fuck just happened to us next door? We'll take a fifth of liquor, please. Oh yeah, and here they are.

The replacement killers we have, uh, well, that's them, that was it, that's a replacement.

You have seat fillers. This is like the Academy Awards, yeah.

It is no fucking lucky.

Fresh off of There's a lot of. It is like the Academy Awards, you'll never know who you see out here. There's a lot of, a lot of celebrities. Story about your sister.

That's why I had that reference, it's because I saw that too soon, never too soon. Not here.

All right, so to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, while we wrangle the comedian from next door. I think you guys know what happens here, you guys are fans of the show, correct? Well, we're going to start it how we always do.

You guys know the words to this song.

This is Hans Kim.

Everybody.

A brand new 60 seconds from the great Hans Kim.

Hello.

A lot of woke people nowadays are saying that you can't be racist to white people. What? So I'm supposed to be nice to them? If I can't be racist to white people, then why do their thin little lips start quivering?

And I can see their buttholes pucker up because they have no butt cheeks.

Feel bad for white people. Maybe if they didn't kill all the Native Americans, they wouldn't have to take hip hop dance classes to feel better about themselves.

I love watching Fox News because it makes me look at Mexicans differently.

Now, when I see a Mexican, I just want to document them.

That's my problem with Mexicans. Not enough paperwork involved.

Sometimes I'll just hand them a receipt.

But yes, a lot of crazy things happening.

I think it's fucked up that gay marriage is legal in Texas, but weed isn't. Sometimes I'll be like, Man, I really wish I could smoke a joint, but I guess I'll suck a dick instead.

Thank you, there you go, Hans Pym. With a little mind eraser of a closer there at the end, one good closer makes us forget that the 55 seconds before that wasn't that strong.

It was like observational comedy, without any good observation.

White people don't have an ass. yeah, a little bit. and do all white people have thin lips? Hans, Not you, Tony, That's right, not me, Tony.

Do Asian people have thicker lips than white people? Is that a thing? I hope so. It's very sad how thin your lips are. No, I don't really notice lips that much.

I didn't understand the answer. Me neither. I would like to buy a vowel.

Yeah, I think white people are great. I was just poking fun, you know, I make fun of everyone. Yeah, but you're making shit up, You're really funny, I'm a fan.

Thank you and I love the closing joke.

If you're going to do observational comedy, you can't just make shit up. Well, don't you think it's a stereotype that white people have thin lips? I don't think, so never heard that. I mean, people are comparing it.

Lisa Rennet once said to me, she said, Howie, if you're going to make jokes, see, I've made a reference and I got as much laughter as you did. So maybe it's not your fault, maybe it's the room. I often blame the room.

This time, it's not so much the room.

So thin lips, Mexicans documented. You give them a, would you say? a receipt? Yeah, I just want to give them paperwork because it's a document, yeah.

Okay, but the last one? Remember the last one? Yeah, everyone loved that one. They really did.

Let's focus on that.

No pun intended, it is true.

Stop doing that, Michael.

So enough with the set, Hans. Tell us about what's going on in your real life. That's always the most interesting thing about you. Let's find out what's going on this week.

I've been having a great real life. I've been to Appleton, Wisconsin, recently, which doesn't sound as cool. Oh, a lot of thin lips up there, a lot of the thin-lipped people, if you know what I mean, a lot of the people with those barely can see them lips.

The Whites Were you at a cheese festival? I was actually pursuing my career. That's kind of where my career is at right now is Appleton.

But yes, comedy, yes, Appleton, you did comedy, yes.

Skyline Comedy Club Was it in a tower? It was pretty high up, like third floor, or the Skyline, the Skyline of Wisconsin.

Yeah, the skyline of Wisconsin, not that high. How did it go? It went fantastically. Did you do any of this material there?

I tried to avoid any of the material I did here tonight, but I did a lot of old stuff. Which, you know, talking about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, Ooh, topical, very good.

No better time than 2023.

When I went up there, I'd be like, is there any Black people in the audience? and sometimes there'd be no one, no Black people there. I'd be, like, good, a perfect audience.

Okay, so it's probably better if there were no Black people. Because one of them is a really good joke, and the other one is about gerrymandering, everybody, I know I love a good gerrymandering joke every once in a while. You know those thin lips? They love gerrymandering? Yes, indeed.

The old, thin-lipped whites. I love it. Okay, how's your relationship going this week? My girlfriend's great. We recently started doing acroyoga.

You know, it's very stressful. What is that? It's like where I balance her on my foot and try not to get my toes in her pussy. Wouldn't that be called pussyfooting?

Don't pussyfoot around me, I try not to pussyfoot around my girlfriend. Did you have a toe in the pussy? Yeah, that's interesting that that was the first thing that you rapped about. Was there a toe in the pussy? And did you do it on purpose?

Yes, whoa. What's the difference between an athlete's foot and chlamydia?

It's the same thing I got chlamydia on my foot, right? But yes, it's great the way he could just take a concept and run with it.

It's amazing, I got chlamydia on my foot.

Just stop. you just stop. Sorry about that. No, don't apologize for me. Yeah, no apologies, Hans.

Anything else we should know about? I know about your family, I've watched you before your father lives overseas, right? yes.

He's a Korean overseas, he's in Korea, yes.

Do you talk to him? I haven't in about six months, why? It's just a little awkward. So can we call him now?

Yeah, can we call Mr. Kim? Sure, can we do this?

We'll leave him a voicemail, he speaks English, right? Yes, a little bit. All right, this is Hans dad.

This is hans dad, this is hans dad, this is hans dad, this is hans dad. Would this be considered outsourcing comedy?

I think, so, I don't know this is. Is it ringing? Do you have it on speakerphone? Yeah, put it on speaker.

This is the Korean ring. Are you serious? No way what you just said, or is there a sound? Turn it up?

This is a cacao talk.

Hold on everybody, stop. Are you on speaker? Yes, Hey, hi dad.

This is Hans, your son. We're on a we're on a show on YouTube right now. They wanted to talk to you because I said, I didn't talk to you in a long time, so I'm calling you live on the air right now.

Hello Mr. Kim, it's Tony of Kill Tony. What hello hello?

Hello, do you think hi? do you think white people have thin lips? I just want to see if it's a family thing.

Sorry, I cannot hear you. Is this really what your dad sounds like? What does this guy do for a living? what does he do, a mathematician?

He's a mathematician. Yeah, oh, give me the phone.

And you know, Hans is a comedian, right? Yes, I know. Have you ever watched him on the hit show Kill Tony before?

No, I don't. That is interesting, you know, your son is wildly successful, correct?

Yes, I, I, I thought that, yes, are you? Are you proud of him? Of course, I'm proud of him.

The crowd goes wild. That was the correct answer. Mr. Kim, Can I call you, Mr. Yes.

Can I, can I call you, Mr. Kim?

Yes, do you know any of his jokes? Do you know his jokes?

Yeah, I, I, I heard some of them. I want to tell, I want him to tell you just the closing joke from tonight, tell your father that joke, do the joke. Hans is going to do a joke and we want to see.

This went over well. You should be very proud. This is your son now telling you the closing joke from tonight. And feel free to laugh right into the phone if you think it's funny.

And don't laugh If you think it's not funny, go ahead, go ahead. So in Texas, it's weird.

It's horrible that gay marriage is legal, but weed is not. Sometimes I'll be like, I wish I could smoke a joint of marijuana right now, but I guess I'll just have to suck a dick instead.

I don't understand that joke, oh.

Explain it to him.

Yeah.

Funny.

What?

Gochoo gochoo, gochoo, gochoo gochoo.

Penis dick, dick.

There's the laugh.

This is so nice, it's beautiful, the way you bring father and son together. This is incredible. This is the first time we've talked to you, We've heard so much about you before.

Hans is an absolute star. Do you, uh, are you proud of him for having a white American girlfriend with thin lips?

He's okay with sucking dick your girlfriend. I'm not so happy about it, mine not especially, but I think if he has a girlfriend, that's fine, that's good. But white or other things are not important.

Other things are more important. Race is not important, race is not important. Wow, just the Gochoo.

Wow, race is very important to Hans, he must get his racism from his mother. How do you say? how do you say? Uh, vagina? uh? I actually didn't learn that one.

How do you, Sir? How do you say vagina?

How do you say vagina in Korean?

Uh, chungo, chungo. So your son puts his foot in her kunjo.

Chunga He puts his kujo in....

I want him to know that she's very open to your culture, so he knows she's accepting. A woman who lets you put her foot in her. Kujo is an accepting person. Before we let you go, Mr. Kim, one last question.

Do you have, uh, do you know, any jokes? Do you have? like a short joke that you'd like to do? For the first time in Kill Tony history, we have you here on speakerphone. Do you know? Do you know any jokes?

Uh, the joke of Hans, you mean, one joke, one joke.

So I remember one of his jokes about Martin Luther King's Day. But I cannot, I cannot reproduce, uh, because, uh, because my, my English is not.

Here's what I'm going to say. You tell the joke, you say the joke in Korean and talk slowly, and then your son will translate it into English. For us, yes, you can do this. This is so weird.

Kill Tony is closed caption. It is amazing you do the joke in Korean, and Hans is going to translate it for us. Martin Luther King Day joke has to be good. I hope it ends in the N word.

Let's go go.

So Hans went to library on Martin Luther King's Day, and the library is closed.

So he cannot learn about Martin Luther King, so can you translate louder? It should be open on Martin Luther King's Day, and instead of that, uh, uh, what was this? The library should be closed.

The library shouldn't be closed. Why can I translate Hitler's birthday? Hitler's birthday?

Kim, thank you so much for talking to us. Your son is absolutely killing it.

Gotta go see you later, buddy.

My lips started to quiver, I could barely tell they're so thick. Hans, What a great way to start the show. You did it again. Thank you Tony.

You beautiful, beautiful boy, come on, the legend Hans Kim.

Going up against Ricky Diaz for permanent regularship on New Year's Eve? The stream is on sale now killtonylive..com. We're first bucket pull has been pulled, we're pre-pulling the second one.

This person got dragged out of the bar next door. It looks like a new name. Make some noise for Dayton Bissett, everybody.

Hi hi.

My name's Dayton and I don't understand why because my parents aren't from Ohio, they're from Oklahoma, so I asked my dad where my name came from.

And he was like, Well, I was Dayton, your mom.

He was a miracle.

I started comedy around the same time. Louie got canceled for jerking off in front of women, and I was like, Fuck, that's why I got into this.

He didn't respond.

All right, Dayton Bissett.

I love it. Welcome to the show, Hi, hello, this is your first time here, correct? yeah.

I love it and Austin too. First time Okay, welcome, Wow, where are you from? I live in New York now, but I'm from Kansas City.

Wow, you have that kind of laid back, kind of comfortable attitude that I like, thank you.

You don't seem laid back, you seem like really nervous and uncomfortable. I was just being facetious, but it's funny, you are so fucking funny you really are.

Have you done stand up before? Yeah, I'm about five years in five years. How long have you been in New York? Just a year?

Right, and how long have you been in Austin? I just got like, I drove 12 hours last night from Kansas City, really. yeah, you drove like last night, like.

Yeah, I left at like 6 p.

M.

Got in at like around 5 a.

M Wow, look at you, Where are you staying while you're here? I'm staying with my pal. Okay, so you went straight there at 5 a.m, Took a little nap, woke up.

Yeah, you've been in the bar next door, waiting. Yes, and you got pulled out, yes.

Amazing hell yeah, absolutely incredible hell.

Yeah, you're really funny.

Stay No matter how comfortable you get, stay uncomfortable. Deal No, because I like your discomfort. Does that make any sense? Yeah, I love it.

And you have a good look, you have the little star power, you look like Logan Paul with leukemia, it's very good.

What do you do for a living that you had to drive 12 hours instead of buying a flight? I mean, I've been living since I moved to New York, just off stand-up. Oh boy, but it's not, I mean, going. I've got to get a job when I get back, yeah.

What are you going to do? what type of job are you going to look for? I don't know, just something that they don't rely on me. What have you? what have you done before? What is your experience?

You could be an Ozempic salesman.

I saw two kids die. Yeah, you saw two kids die. Yeah, really.

Yeah, at the same time, why are you laughing? Why are you? You were the fucking lifeguard and you watched two kids die. I wasn't involved.

I did CPR, I know you weren't involved.

You watched that while you were lifeguarding. I was. The first one was in 2019, I was on the top of a water slide and it happened. And this is a real, God forbid. You should slide down, right? How are you going to get down there to the drowning kid?

I'm on top of the slide. It was at the wave pool. And a kid was under for a long time. How do you know he was under for a long time? Because you were fucking watching, yeah?

You are not good at guarding life.

That's number two I'm going to go into comedy. Two drownings is a lot. For a lifeguard. you might be one of the worst lifeguards I've ever heard of, yeah.

The manager of the water park I worked at when the ambulance was still in the park, he made me go up to the family and offer them. Dippin dots. Are you fucking serious? That's not a joke at all? Yeah, no, don't you think they've seen enough dots of Dippin today?

Oh my God, they lost their child, they didn't know yet.

So you're going to surprise them, they're going to go, look, we got free Dippin dots, right? we got free dippin dots. Wait, let me finish.

So is that true? Do you offer them dippin dots? Yeah, and then who broke the news to them that their child had died, I don't know.

I was gone at that point. You're just the Dippin dots guy. Yeah, exactly, here's some dippin dots for you later.

Absolutely incredible. What do you do for fun when you're not being terrible at being a lifeguard and doing standup? I sit in my bed and stare at the ceiling, overthink everything. I don't know, I don't know.

I don't have enough money to have fun. Wouldn't it be easier to lie on the bed, to stare at the ceiling? If you're sitting on the bed, you're just, I think that's hard on the neck, my neck does hurt.

It's a 90 degree angle. That's why two kids drown. Because he just sits there like this water is down there, I hear a lot of splashing. What am I going to do?

I'm at the top of the fucking slide. how am I supposed to? I just keep hearing pelp, pelp, Oh, here's the dipping duck truck.

So are you in a lesbian relationship of some kind? Yeah, I am. Yeah, you are. Where'd you meet that girl at? I met her in Kansas City.

Yeah, she's a comic, and then you drove 15 hours. Is she here with you? No, she's not. Are you in a relationship?

Yeah, how do you know, like you didn't know that the kid was drowning? How do you know that you're with somebody? It could just be in my head.

I guess, yeah, how long have you been going out? About a year, about a year, and do you think you're going to take it to the next level?

Like, Will you have sex?

Hopefully, one day. How far have you gotten so far? how many fingers?

Just the one there you go.

Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

No zero.

Yeah, no, nothing at all. I can build Legos pretty good. Wow, yeah.

That's a closer for the ladies. Yeah, you are your own cock blocker. That is incredible, all right. DAYton. Well, you did what you had to do.

You came up, you had a good minute, right? Hell yeah, do you guys like him? I like him.

This is a big joke book. Take one of those that's from the Great Bones Eye. Hell yeah, and you did it.

Way to get it started right out of the bucket.

There he goes.

By the way, a little fun fact I have been made aware. For those of you interested, we have breaking news, breaking news, just in case anybody's interested. The two guys that got kicked out started a fight with a security guard outside.

And they have both been arrested, ladies and gentlemen.

It appears to be that we're tough here. Like, Oh, how are you? but how are you? is a very telling, troubling thing, I know. But when you're sitting in the cell and the guy goes, What are you in for?

I asked Tony, I said, How are you? And then it all went downhill. From there, he's in the fucking DJ.

It's like, not real, how'd you get in here? How are you? how are you doing? amazing?

How are you doing? He didn't even yell anything, pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet all right? Here comes another one.

60 seconds uninterrupted Going to Ty Marion, Everybody, Ty Marion is next live on Kill Tony.

My little brother is half Mexican, a professional clown and a gay. But none of those are. What's really annoying about him. What is is he feels like he's got to be included in everything. He's a little cholo bozo homo with Fomo.

You know, Yolo, I think my best friend is starting to go crazy. He just recently bought one of those lifelike sex dolls. He knows what I'm talking about.

And the other day I went to his house. When I walked in, he was crying, he was holding a pair of these underwear, he was screaming at that doll. Whose underwear are these? And man, when I saw this as his friend, I knew I had to be supportive.

Especially because those are my favorite underwear.

My dad is, my dad is trans, but it's cool because I never see him. Y'all know what it's like having a transparent, transparent.

Thank you.

Yeah, he's a wordsmith, you got funny words and you put words together, it's English, what they're English.

I know a majority case you didn't understand? No, I know the Bozo with the FOMo and the transparent. Yeah, good, you don't have the face of a guy that would be a wordsmith.

No more like a blacksmith. Probably. Yeah, there you go, you just did it again, you son of a bitch.

Something just being dark looking and weird looking, you remember, you remember? Come on, it was better than that.

There's got to be a word for what he said. No, you just said basically. Essentially, it made it sound like I was brown, round and had downs. Is everything that you kept saying. That sounds like one of your jokes?

That's his thing. Hell yeah, that's his thing. You're like the new Nipsey Russell. Nobody knows who Nipsey Russell is.

No, but he was a guy in the 80s, I guess that rhymed. Yes, yeah.

So you're kind of more of a poet than a comedian, like a poet. Yeah, the other day I called the W word the wigger, I don't know.

But the guy, Yeah, I know, I don't know. He said it with the E.R. and I was really offended. I was so.

Somebody called you that, yeah, what did you do right before that? to where they would call you that? We were just talking. And I guess, apparently, sometimes my cadence or my voice sometimes comes off a little thuggish.

No, just lethargic, just lethargic. It's kind of like, I don't give a shit. I took one too many quaaludes.

Whatever the you just seem like, really, yeah, like you just woke up.

It wasn't one too many. I think it was like the right amount of quaaludes. Yeah, just perfect. I'm just floating right now.

Are you high a little bit? Yeah, high on marijuana? yeah.

I did some edibles earlier, okay, Monday, absolutely.

TY, What else about you? What can we talk about that? We didn't find out about you last time you were on the show? Any fun facts about Ty Marion?

That would surprise us. I used to play music before anybody makes me drum off or anything like that. I literally used to just press play on buttons, play music. I used to be a DJ in the San Antonio area.

In the early to mid 2000s, tour did some of that stuff for a while, that was fun. Why'd you leave it?

I had the wrong people surrounding me, they were more interested in getting their dick sucked every night than helping me get to that next level. Even though I was opening for big names, doing hundreds of people, thousand people in the crowd, they were more concerned about who they were going home with that night. And now you're surrounded with all the right people.

You know, you're alone, you're alone, and you, that's who you should be surrounded with, yeah.

I just figure out, Yeah, at this point, fuck them, I put it all on me.

I don't care, I'm going to bet on myself and I'm going to do it with comedy. Now. You never got to take your Djing to the next level, and that kind of bothers you. I mean, not nothing rhymes with DJ.

Right, well, he never got to DJ in his Pjs on a PJ, actually.

You got a PJ on a PJ, I actually did get a BJ. Got caught by the owner of the club one time while I was in the booth mixing it and the only thing I was told was hurry up.

See me in the office afterwards and I was given a high five, so it was a pretty good day for me. You were able to wait.

But you left everybody else you were working with because all they wanted was their dick sucked, but you got fired, yeah, for getting your dick sucked, exactly.

See, they wanted what they couldn't have, and I'm having it, and so they were just jealous. You were able to get hard while exposed to an entire audience. There's like a.

Like, you guys are sitting there, you're in a booth, you can't really see anything below here, right?

And so there was a conveniently little cut out area she sat down on it. Did you have, like a face where you? where it looked like you were getting a BJ, was it like?

Yeah, like that. Yeah, yeah. She was waiting for the drop, too.

If you know what I mean.

It's not little, come on, it's average.

Just like you, very good, I love it. What's your love life like now? you have a girlfriend?

No girlfriend really dedicated a lot of time to comedy, so it's more like just one night stands, random hookups. I love it.

Any crazy one night stands lately? What's a one night stand with Ty Mary? And like? Typically, just because I don't want them to know where I live, I always ask to go to their house. It's not like I live at home or I'm embarrassed in my place.

But typically, the bar that I go to to hook up with, it's a block and a half from where I live. So I'm not trying to walk over there and then walk them home and they have to walk them back to their car, you know what I mean?

A lot of walking Uber home.

No, because that's what women want, they want a man. I'm not going to, no.

You'd be surprised, I would be, it would actually be surprising. I'm looking at the face on the women and they're going, Oh, look, who I'm with, why can't I have him?

She's looking at me going, Who the fuck is this guy? and sweetheart? Guess what? When I woke up this morning and rolled over in bed, I also said, Who the fuck is this guy? I have a drinking problem.

Okay, so.

Absolutely.

Wow, you drink a lot. May I recommend Connect Mobile Health dot com? Kill 15 get an IV drip?

Yeah, get fully recovered. Absolutely okay. That was seamless.

Yeah, that was amazing. He's good at that, he's that was integrated.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting a blowjob right now. You can't even tell, you cannot even tell.

It's all happening. Little little heath is underneath the table right now. Sweet, sweet boy, okay?

Okay, I thought I was tickling my nuts.

Tony Somebody told me I was supposed to ask you how you're doing, but I guess that'll.

Get the fuck off the stage order in the court.

I love it. You already have a big joke book, Yes, sir. Well, here's some zippix nicotine toothpicks. Enjoy those, my friend.

There goes Ty Marion, everybody.

Let's do a let's do one of the regulars, ladies and gentlemen. We've come to that part of the show where one of the stars is going to do a brand new 60 seconds. And when I say a 60 seconds.

I mean, this motherfucker burns bright. This is indeed one of the greatest to ever do it. Sixty seconds brand new for Cam Patterson. Ladies and gentlemen live in the flesh.

Here we go.

And this one, this one, let's see, is this one real dear to my heart? And shit, um, before I started doing comedy, I was like, a real deal dope boy.

You know what I'm saying? That's all I'm saying. That's all I did, like, every day, you know what I'm saying?

And I used to hang out with one of my best friends and he'll be with me every day. And we would just all we would do was just sell drugs all the time, but that's it. And then one day he was like.

Bro, you so fucking funny, you should try stand up comedy. I was like, Nah, nigga, that's gay, that's what I said.

Like, that's that's gay as hell, and then he was like, he was like.

Nah, bro, you so funny. you probably like, blow up and never talk to a nigga again. That's how funny you can be and fast forward to.

Like, two years later, we were still doing the same shit we were doing, and I decided, like, you know what?

Bro, I'm going to do stand up and he would be with me every day, every single day. For the first three months, he recorded my first set on stage.

He would, he would. That was my rock dog, my best friend, and.

A couple of weeks ago, I did the biggest video I ever did in my life with Tony, and I had him on FaceTime the whole time he saw the whole.

The whole show and when I got on stage, he was crying, You know what I'm saying? He was so proud of me.

And then I started crying because I knew I was never going to talk to that nigga again.

The great Pam Patterson doing it again. I love you, I love you.

I'm telling you I love you, I collect rocks now. Yeah, yeah, talk to me.

But you're amazing, thank you. you really are amazing, and that was beautiful, and you know.

That is when I said that I came out and I watched Richard Pryor, Richard Pryor is my God.

As far as comedy, and he was the first guy that took that, I realized, took real stories.

Not jokes, not making up. He took real stories and a tough life and who he was.

And he could make you laugh, and he could make you cry. And the beauty of you telling a story like this. And I was looking at people's faces.

And you were telling you're a great storyteller, and you were. It was really coming from the heart, because that's probably your real life.

And what you came from? And then to turn that around and make people laugh, you are fucking brilliant and you are.

You are like Richard Pryor to me.

And turn it and twist it. You know, I was telling Tony at the beginning, when you go look at theater, they have comedy and tragedy.

The two masks are together, and those two masks, comedy and tragedy are very close. And when you can take reality and make people who are crying smile.

You are a magician and you buddy are a magician. I love you, I really do amazing.

That shit mean a lot to me, though, I love it. Spot on analysis Thank you. I mean, that is exactly how I feel.

Locked in Man, can I keep this? Hell? Yes, you can, Oh my God.

Wait till, I love this, thank you, thank you. It's amazing.

You know, he sells rocks you want to talk about fucking. Not only is he hysterical, but perhaps one of the most amazing, brilliant merchandising minds of the universe, dude.

Yeah, it's Merch, so like, when he goes on the road, he literally his dad, or he'll.

If his dad's in the same city, he'll bring a box of rocks, literal fucking rocks, box of rocks, and I mean.

Like rocks, like real rocks, he gave me concrete. This is not a rock, right? Nah, it's like.

I like to do it, you know what I'm saying, I like this shit right here, what I fuck with this part right here.

That shit hard, Oh, he's got the g-spot, what are you doing? what are you doing? I like it with that feel.

I feel like it's all good. I take it back, no, give him his rock back.

Cam wants that rock back, Jesus, what do you do? how do you? what do you do to it?

Oh oh, yeah, see, yeah, go.

20 bucks. Oh, and I've read some stories, like Every age, right? you told me.

Like older people and kids, kids come up to you and they love rocks, right?

And they want to buy rocks, and they want you to give them rocks, right? And I heard a story and maybe you don't want me to bring it up.

But he went to a public swimming pool and he sold two kids tons of rocks.

Whoa?

You can always make another baby dipping dots. It's a rare treat. Yeah, it's the best.

Hell yeah, I actually made a few some money. You know what I'm saying? You've had dipping dots, you've had dipping dots before.

I've fought with dipping dots. Oh, yeah, you're from Orlando? Yeah, yeah.

Dipping dots is fucking everywhere down there. dipping dots is hard. yeah, yeah, y'all like dipping dots.

You sold, you sold hard drugs and dipping dots. Oh, I did all that shit, I did everything, really.

Not just hard drugs, but not dipping dots. You won't admit to dipping dots. I did, I sold crap.

But not dipping dots, that's gay, you know what I'm saying? all cripping, no dipping.

You know what I'm saying? No doubt about it, no dots, no dots, all thoughts.

Talk to us, we're outside. Hell yeah, gang violence.

Gang violence, gang violence. Hell yeah, hey, you call hans dad.

You want to call my dad? Let's do it. Absolutely, it's a special, you know what's going to be weird?

You know what's going to be weird? I'm going to freak out, it's the same guy.

Uh, hello, uh, I do not understand it. That shit would be crazy. A mutton soup?

I do not understand the translation. Where is he? he in Orlando? he's in Orlando, he back home and shit.

Hold on, let me see. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes and no, yes and no.

Yeah, I got a wife and shit, but I still be fucking. But I love her, though, she knows who she is, she knows who she is.

She's the wife, but not the one you're fucking. Yeah, I love her, though she hates that. I talk about this all the time.

But I love her, why would she hate it? Why would she hate it? As long as you say you love you, you love, I love you, you can go out and fuck anything you want.

Hey, what's up, dad? I'd rather talk to his wife.

Breaking stereotypes. He's calling his father everybody his father picked up, Hey dad, you on you, on you on Kia Tony right now.

Can you turn it all the way up on the side there?

Give it to Tony, How's it going? Mr. Patterson? You're on with Tony Hinchcliffe, Live on Kill Tony with the great Howie Mandel.

Oh my goodness, y'all made my day, man. Well, I got to tell you, your son made my day. Your son is fucking brilliant. your son is a superstar.

Wow, thank you, thank you. you proud of him, man. I'm more than proud.

When you get that shit from me, though.

He seems more proud of himself than he is of you.

Cam said Cam said that he has a wife on this show here just a moment ago. Well, he does. That wouldn't surprise me.

That wouldn't surprise him. Oh, because he doesn't fuck her, he fucks everybody else, but he has a wife, she knows who she is.

You don't.

Mr PATTERSON You know, this is an improvised segment, but I just thought of what I think is a good question. Is there anything that like embarrassing from Cam's childhood that he might not want you to tell us? Oh, that's fucked up.

That was a quick turn.

You know, it took Cam until he was able to go to the can.

Wait, how old to go to the can? Don't tell people that he's not potty trained, he's not potty trained. No, no, that's not what he said.

Go again, hold on.

PATTERSON Yeah, it took Cam until he was 12 years old to count to 10..

All right, 18, that's it he's got as far as he can go.

Oh my goodness, gracious. I'd eat a dick for that man. That's fucked up, bro. He can't spell good, tell him to spell firefighter.

Spell firefighter He can't spell good, all right, so the word on the streets, Mr. Patterson, is that you're not a very good speller.

So without googling, we're going to give you a word and right off the bat, you have to spell it for us. Are you ready? No hell, no.

I can always go, How do I not tony I go dog?

Dog Are you saying dark as in dark ass? No, no, I wasn't saying dark ass.

Someone's ass is a couple shades darker than the rest of his body dark ass dog like ruff ruff.

I can hear your thumbs typing, Why are you googling dog right now?