#650 - BERT KREISCHER - BOBBY LEE - ESTHER POVITSKY

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

And it is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Who's excited to be here, huh? Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com and Connect Mobile Health. Get an IV drip, save 10% using the promo code KILLTONY or TONY10, something like that. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody?

God damn it. Unbelievable, right? This fucking serial killer's excited, I could tell. Those cold, dead eyes. Jesus, fucking Christ.

I think I found the Rainy Street Serial Killer right here. Just out in the fucking obvious, blatant, fucking cold, dead eyes. Jesus. You guys are all bundled up. Why don't you take your fucking ski jacket off, relax a little bit, sir.

Jesus Christ. That's the Peterson Brothers joining the band over there. Local fucking legends. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Matt, the mortician muelling on the electric guitar. The leader of the band, John D's, on the keys.

And let him hear it, because that's all he can do. The great and powerful D Madness, everybody. Oh, shit. It is going down tonight. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now.

Working fucking icons of the comedy game. And, most importantly, our comedy store. brother and sister. Let's see how loud this place can get for Bobby Lee and Esther Pavitsky.

Oh, yeah. Look, it's Bobby Lee, motherfuckers. Come on.

Show your respect to Bobby Lee. Little Esther.

Here, scoot down.

I'm a big fan. It's been years since you guys have been on this show. We're so happy to have you back. They're in a movie together. Drugstore June, February 23rd.

in select theaters. They're doing movies. We're doing our podcast in arenas. Everybody's thriving right now. I don't know how I had to bring us back into it.

You know, movies. Exciting. Select theaters. Select arenas. We're doing select arenas.

Madison Square Garden. It's not a competition. It's not.

We're both doing good.

I'm so excited to have you guys. You get more girls than me, I think. What? You get more girls than me. Do you get any?

I go with the wind. I know you haven't. That's right. Thank you, Esther. The gayest stuff I've ever done.

They used to date. and do you believe that Tony would eat her butthole?

So gross. Can I-, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. The old stinky dreidel. Can I tell the crowd what happened on our first date? What happened on our first date?

Yes, you can. If it is what I think it is, yes. So you came in your pants? You did. I was 23..

I was 23.

. This is 17 years ago. She was 22.. I was 23.. They were a very lightweight pair of jogging pants.

Unbelievably thin. I was poor. I had no money. They were the thinnest. I used to freeze in those jogging pants.

Now, I don't want to brag, but I'm- You're not the only person at this table who's eaten my ass. Uh-oh.

No. Gross. Uh-oh.

I love it. Well, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This is a little family reunion up here. Before we explain the show, one more special treat for you. Joining the band and icon of Kill Tony music history, one of the great jokemeisters of the show.

You also know her from the hit podcast, Bad Friends with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Make some fucking noise for the jet ski, Jesse Johnson.

I'm also eating that pepper dust.

If you guys don't know, when Jet Ski says something funny, everybody goes, It's a thing. So practice, everybody. Very good. Very good. And it's not juicy, by the way.

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which is back in West Hollywood. He zooms in to growl like that all the way from West Hollywood. It's amazing. Every week, very consistent.

I'm going to pre-pull a name from this bucket and we're going to chase that person down from the bar next door. In the meanwhile, we will get 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new minute from one of the legends of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, a very polarizing figure. This guy, I mean, is the talk of the town. right now.

I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim.

A lot of immigrants are coming across the border, which is great because my windshield's kind of dirty.

And I was thinking of picking up some flowers on the way home.

I think it would suck to be paralyzed from the neck down unless you're into bondage.

Then it's like you're getting tied down by God.

He used to be my father. Now he's my daddy.

Thank you. Wow.

He did it again.

A brand new minute, Bobby. I mean, dude, you know, I'm a fucking fan of yours. I have no idea. I didn't know. you knew me.

What the fuck, dude? I'm sorry. I thought you were from Texas. I had no idea, guys. No, but dude, I mean, I never thought there was a filthier gook than me.

And honestly, when I watch, I go, oh my God, that's like, like you're like my son, or something. I am your son. Like a descendant or whatever. And I like what you're doing. And I'm so, I know your parents are probably disgraced.

Yes. But I'm fucking proud of you. Thank you, Bobby.

Look at that. Just a little Korean love machine over here. I absolutely love it. Hans, you did it again. Beats and fucking punchlines the whole way through.

You got a fresh haircut. Looking great. Not the usual dictator volume that we've had in the past. This is a new look. Everything fits tonight.

What's going on? Thank you, Tony. I don't know. You know, I've had a lot of women criticize me in a helpful way. They're like, hey, your wardrobe looks like you're trying to be an old man.

And I was like, well, that's not, I want to be a young boy. Hans, what's your style in bed? Like you do power fuck or what? Uh, I'm like, uh, yeah. Power strokes.

Just, just, uh, not a lot, but like just, you know.

Edging. Edging. Yeah. I do the sewing machine.

And you soak it. You do a little marinated Korean beef in there.

LA short ribs. My goodness.

Old short ribs over there. What's the longest you've ever. just let it sit? Uh, probably around like five minutes.

My goodness. You have a bun in the oven. He has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think about the great Hans Kim?

I thought this, you know, I've watched you on previous episodes. This felt really like your timing was good. You weren't nervous. And I, I liked the joke about the nails. I live in LA, so nobody can be racist there.

So that was fun. And her people know about nails. They're the ones that drove them through Jesus's hands.

And you take it like a goddamn champion as your star power grows. Your ninja star power. And you prove the haters to be pieces of shit every week. Congratulations. The reigning, defending, opening, regulator show.

Hans Kim, everybody. And like that, everything takes a wild turn. because now we go to the bucket. This is where shit. Obviously, if you know, the show, gets crazy.

It could be a completely insane person that says crazy stuff. It could be the future of the show. A star could be made or someone could embarrass themselves. Your first bucket pull of the night is Jason Rodriguez. Everybody, these people have been waiting all day in the cold.

And here we go. It's Jason Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jason Rodriguez. Hey, hey. All right.

How's it going? Life good? Cool. Yeah, life's good for me. I have a mustache.

now. Everyone likes it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys with mustaches. Love my mustache.

There's a whole facial hair community. They're all into it. now. It gets weird. One guy with a mustache, he was like, anyone ever say you got like a pedophile stache?

And I was like, no. And he's like, I get that all the time. Like, that's just you. That's probably shaved. That's what you don't want.

Yeah, no one says about me. No one says I have a pedophile stache. I think, because I have a body of a victim. I think that's why.

And people see my face like, oh, what a creep. They look down like, ah, it's an Indian teenager. Never mind.

I wish I had a beard, though. A beard seems manly. You work with your hands. And like a different kind of like a.

Was that good form? I don't fucking know. I don't know. Who knows? Okay, what else is there?

Yeah, I remember my buddies. Oh, I'm done. Cool. Thank you. There you go.

Yeah, like three years ago. Okay. Yeah. You didn't have a mustache back then. No, this is a new thing.

Look at you now. You worked hard for it. I did 30 years. Put it in. Absolutely.

Absolutely. It's pretty thick. So you can't grow a beard at all. Nope, not at all. This is it.

Nope. Do you always tuck in one side of your jacket collar like that? Is that like a trademark? No, not at all. Okay, look at you.

Is this better now?

That could be like your thing. This is my thing. Absolutely. What do you do for work, Jason? I work at a Poké place.

A Poké place? Yeah, you know Poké? Oh, my goodness. Yeah, we know what Poké is. Yeah.

Because we know about planet Earth! Okay, all right. I knew you did. I know that for sure, but...

John Dee's on the keys back here.

Do you get a lot of Asian people in the Poké place? Actually, mostly white people and like Teslas and stuff. Teslas? Yeah. Okay.

Is it a drive-in Poké place? Or are you just keeping an eye on the parking lot? I do, yeah. It's a really small shop. You can see their automobiles.

And what do you do exactly at the Poké place? Are you slicing the fish? Yeah, we slice the fish. We do that in the morning. We put it in the bowl.

We mix it up. We give them to the guy. That's about it. Is it frozen or do they ship it fresh? No, it's frozen.

Okay. Oh. Yeah.

Okay. I think it's bad for you. if you eat it more than like eight ounces, though. You get like iron poisoning or some shit. Mercury.

Mercury. That's it. One of those.

I love it. So you're making Poké for a living. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like six years. Six years.

What's your love life like? With a... I got a lady. I got a girlfriend. Okay.

Yeah. She's cool. She's white. She camps. Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. You meet her at the Poké place? No, I met her. She's like a door girl at a comedy club. So that's pretty cool.

Are you competitive to this? No, not at all. It's like an improv theater. Oh. Yeah.

It's gay or whatever.

Does she do comedy too? No, not at all. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. And does she like the mustache? Yeah. She only knew me. She only knows, like Mustache Jason.

That's all she knows. Oh, Mustache Jason. Yes. I'm afraid, to shave it. She might like cheat on me, or something.

I don't know.

Yeah. Maybe that's the thing. Keeping it all together. I love it. You have any special skills or talents that we'd be surprised to know about about you?

I can build furniture really fast. Okay. So you are Latino. That checks out.

Oh, that's good. The beans? Okay.

No, I'm not like a talented person. I'm kind of a loser, honestly. This is like, I did my talented thing just a second ago. That was it. I can do like 30 push-ups, I think.

Really? Yeah. You think you can do 30 push-ups? Yeah, not in a row. I can do 30..

You can do 30?

Let's do it.

He's dead, everybody.

Jason, you're probably going to get off that. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 30, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22,, 23, 24,.

25,, 26,, 27,, 28,, 29,, 30.

. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The machine.

Red band, do your 30.

No, you can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. Do you think you could do that? Oh, fuck. I don't want to do it.

This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those of you listening to the show, people are doing pushups. And here we go. One, two, three, four, five. Oh, he's already slowing up.

This is not looking good. It's not looking good. He ain't building my furniture.

I'll give him credit. He is going pretty far down.

Great pushups. You did fantastic. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday.

Oh, they couldn't possibly push up your ceiling any higher. Jason, here's a Kill Tony joke book from The Great Bones Eye. There's Jason Rodriguez. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

Thank you. There he goes.

We're going to watch a comedian. I'm ready. Let's go. Sixty seconds uninterrupted for Grant Adcock, everybody. Your next bucket.

pull. Grant Adcock. Here he is.

Holy shit.

How's it going?

You guys drinking tonight? Fuck yeah. Thank you for being here. I love drinking. People actually tell me I drink too much.

I tell them all the same thing. I say, you don't even fucking know you're at Hufflepuff.

Are you guys a couple? Yeah, a couple dipshits.

That's got to be a tough guy to have as a landlord.

Right? The fourth of the month comes up. You haven't paid rent. You get a text message. It's just a voice memo from your retarded landlord.

All it says is time to pay the PIPA.

All right. Sixty seconds from Grant Adcock. Rock, solid. Very good.

Welcome back. You've been on the show before, correct? First time. This is your first time? First time, I'm sure.

Okay.

Nice. What do you do for work? I work at Sunset, actually. I'm a barista. Oh, a barista at Red Band's Comedy Club.

Very good. So you're only making coffee beverages? Making coffee. I work three to six every day.

Seriously, we do. The most coveted hours of making coffee.

Well, you're telling me there's a coffee shop out there where I can hear their thoughts?

What's some of the wacky stuff? you see, go on there between three and six?

Today, I was set, or it was yesterday, we were setting up the A-frame that says we have coffee.

A homeless lady said, you're trying to poison us, aren't you, you fat fuck? Oh, wow. And that was the first person I talked to that day.

Once again, there's an open mic at this place.

That's amazing. That's amazing. I love it. So how old are you? 27..

27.

. Okay. What's your living situation like? You're only working three to six. You're doing stand-up.

Seems like that's a tough living. Yeah, I live with my girlfriend. So we both... She makes a lot more money than I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, Bobby Lee. I thought you were great. I thought in the beginning you were a little nervous. And as soon as you get your first laugh, I saw you grow into your confidence. Oh, thank you so much.

Start that way. Fuck yeah. There you go.

And you took the mic off the stand. That's what I want to see. You're confident, dude. In the beginning, you were timid. It's fine.

Although I wouldn't open with the. you two are dipshits, joke.

You're adorable. So how old are you? 27? 27.. Okay.

So, like, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Probably an empty pizza box. An empty pizza box. Yeah. You just threw it back in there.

I forgot to take the trash out Tuesday. So I'm just kind of leaving it there till tonight. Does your girlfriend ever yell at you for forgetting to do chores like that? She's yelling at me right now, actually. No, she's very cleanly.

So she doesn't. Yeah. She gets a little upset. Why is she paying the rent? Because you don't look like you're good at sex.

No, and I need to fucking keep it together, I guess. Sometimes I try to talk. Like during sex? Yeah, I'll be like, you, like that dick? Oh my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. That's like a genuine question. Do you like that dick?

Do you like that dick?

Do you like that dick?

That's how it comes off. It's not really hot, so. Yeah, you sound like you were genuinely asking. As if, though, you had another dick that you could put in there.

Or you work for the census.

Am I the only one hearing, like a Norm MacDonald, vibe from him a little? Yeah. He's a little thick though, like Norm MacDonalds.

I love it. Any other crazy fun facts about you, Grant Adcock, that we'd be surprised to know about your entire life or anything like that? Yeah, it was actually, I fell off a balcony when I was 23.. Wow. I landed on my head.

And it was during the pandemic.

That does not explain it.

What were you doing? We were all climbing balconies during the pandemic. As a matter of fact, that's the one time no one climbed a balcony. We just stayed in our fucking house. But yeah, you're seeing who else is in other houses.

That's when we were having a little pandemic party, which wasn't, you know, I paid the price.

I was dancing on a balcony by myself and I fell off. Oh my God. I was even more top heavy at the time and just went head over heel. I was in the hospital for a month. Wow, what did they diagnose?

I had a little brain bleeding, but I didn't have to get performed. I broke my leg, fractured my jaw. You landed on your head and your leg at the same time? My leg broke and that kind of took the majority of the impact. And then my face went off the concrete.

Did you fall backwards or forwards? Forwards and just kind of tipped over. You did like a full 360, landed on your leg, broke it. Broke it. And then my face hit.

So I had. all these teeth are fake. I was wondering that. I swear to God, I was wondering that. I was like, he's got a good smile.

Is that why she's with him?

Your teeth do not match your shirt.

That is true. That is a great, great observation. When they pulled him out of a coma, the doctor diagnosed him with, looks like you're too legit to quit.

I'm sorry. I love it. Well, Grant, your first time on the show. A great minute. You're leaving with a big show.

And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show.

The barista is hitting the big stage on a Thursday night. Grant Adcock getting a paid gig. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Gonna keep things moving along.

I wonder if this is who I think it is. Make some noise for your next comedian. Karen Jones, everybody. It is. Yep.

All right. This is actually one of the legends of the show. Here she is, Karen Jones.

And then I thought of the caveat. Well, some people are OK with abortion as long as it's medically necessary, or in the case of rape or incest. So I'm thinking, that should be a carve out for everything I want to do.

Well, I'm sorry, but, you know, rape and incest. I'm going to get a face tattoo. It's medically necessary because I don't have eyebrows. These are my only tattoos on my forehead. So they were medically necessary, and I was a victim of rape and incest.

I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches.

All right, Karen Jones, a little rape and incest.

OK, Karen, Karen, Karen, where do we begin? Well, with an apology. You want an apology from me? No, no, I'm kidding. Yeah.

I got Sanjay Gupted. What does that mean to you? Oh, I'm sorry, CNNed. OK, what does that mean to you? I'm sorry, this drug test.

You know what the drug test means? It means I can't take drugs. And if I can't take drugs, I can't sleep. So I'm, like, super tired right now, but I didn't want to miss a Monday.

But ask me another question, Tony. So you just basically talked about your day?

Karen looks like she could have used the coffee between 3 and 6 p.

m.

Oh, because that stupid newspaper and in your interview on the Rogan show, they were just, Joe Rogan was reading what the paper wrote that I stormed. a line. Was that when I was on an episode of Rogan? I talked about how you got in trouble for storming the Capitol on January 6th?

And I finally let her go after a long interview. And she goes, but, Tony, that's not even the most interesting thing about me. I go, well, what is? And she goes. I came on the show.

That's not what you said. She goes, I stormed the Capitol on January 6th. There's a newspaper article about me. I said that the newspaper accused me of that. Right.

And you said you can neither confirm nor deny that you were in Nancy Pelosi's office on that day.

I can deny that. But anyway.

A patriot, someone says.

Why are you being drug tested? Because I trespassed, allegedly. Allegedly. The Capitol on January 6th. This is what they're saying.

Does anyone feel like they slid into her Instagram thread and is just reading? I can't sleep, rape and incest. I stormed the Capitol. I would have opened with stormed the Capitol. I am so shocked.

I'm standing next to one of them. You should be. You guys are like great white sharks. We never see you.

We mentioned it on Rogan. Then they charge you with something after that? No, the story is exactly upside down. I was arraigned on December 14th, but I knew I was being arrested because they're very public that they're going to arrest everybody. I came on here so you guys would know more truth about it, not just see that crazy, violent loop.

That it was mainly the old ladies that stand with flags in front of vent holes.

Keep going. We saw the wrong footage. That is exactly right.

That's a good one. I should have used it. I wish I would have gotten my feet like that. That was good. But they didn't try to arrest me.

They said they were issuing arrest warrants. I knew it was coming. So I came and put my name in the bucket and blah, blah, blah. You came and put your name in the bucket here? Yes.

Right. Okay. So why are they drug testing you? And for how long does that last? I don't know.

It's supposed to be random, but I went in Friday. Then I dialed the number. I had to go in again today. So what happens if you smoke marijuana? Did they tell you what happens if you fail a drug test for storming the Capitol?

Is this what they did to the people? Like, all right, you just can't smoke pot for a few months. No, no, no, no. It's on OR. And it's the conditions of my release that I have to do drug testing and be monitored.

And four misdemeanor, two trespassing, one, this is my favorite one, the parading. Oh, they call it parading. That's the third charge. And the fourth one is interfering with government or something. Or something.

my next date is March 5th. And then I don't know what the process is. You just keep going to court, paying lawyers, and showing up, so you stay out of jail. Like a patriot.

Apparently. Hey, if you guys had done it properly, like Lennon did.

It's the same fucking shit. Read history books.

So let me ask you this. Is there anything that you would have done differently on that day, in retrospect, on January 6th? Well, in retrospect, I wouldn't have asked my husband if he wanted to go in.

You're the one that kind of led you two in there? Well, he had never been before.

There's a lot of people that haven't been inside the Capitol during business hours. No, it's... It was the middle of the day, and it was the back side of the entrance. And everybody coming out looked nice and happy.

Yes, I was wearing.

. This is my fleece. Allegedly. Well, no, there's pictures of me in this. I love it.

Represent. Make America gray again.

I'm tired. Okay. Well, Jesus, get out of here. then. There she goes.

Karen Jones, everybody.

She's tired. There she goes, everybody.

All right.

Yeah, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go to one of your regulars, everybody. A legend of the game. I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

I was thinking about a traumatizing thing that happened in my life. And one of them was, I was 15 years old. I went to my first strip club. And the person that took me was my cousin, Natron.

Now, whoever you see, when I say Natron, that's that nigga, dawg.

My uncle looked at his newborn baby boy and was like, mm-hmm, Decepticon.

That's crazy as fuck, dawg. He could only be two things in life, an NFL player or a prisoner. And Natron was both. So right when he got his first NFL contract, we took him to the strip club. And I'm going to tell y'all some real shit.

In the strip club, the 15-year-old in that strip club was not a good place for anybody. And the strippers were so excited to see me. They was very happy to see me. And they were doing a whole bunch of sexual shit to me, but in a childish way. Like, they were like blowing raspberries on my dick.

Yes.

Yeah. And I didn't know who you were. I'm sorry. Right. But I was like, I asked the people around.

I go, who is this guy? He's from Kill Tony. So I stayed to watch. You fucking rocked that house. You were also the last guy.

You had to follow heavyweights. Yeah. You killed it, dude. Thank you so much. Yeah, man.

see what I do. I don't touch black people, but.

This is the first we're hearing of Natron. Yeah, my cousin Natron. My goodness. Hell. yeah.

It's amazing. You have so many of these references and stories. I've never heard of Natron before. Does he live in? Nah, he live in Tampa.

Where? He live in Tampa. Tampa. Yeah. Tampa.

Okay.

I grew up in Tampa and I know black guys from Tampa. Yeah, I thought for sure he was saying temple there. I thought maybe he was at a Jewish synagogue of some kind. But no, Tampa is where Natron lives. What's Natron up to nowadays?

What does a guy like Natron do for a living? He doing good, man. He own like a bouncy house business right now. Bouncy house business.

Yeah. It's a really good fucking business. Wow. I didn't know Burt was in the bouncy house business.

Fuck yeah. That's 750.. That's 750..

Extra for the water. You know what I mean? Yeah. I would love it if you would include the bouncy house stuff in the act. Hell yeah.

That's really good. Hell, yeah. Yeah. You can add that to the Natron stuff. And you and him have been close for a long time.

Hell yeah. Well, he like, he, like my cousin, cousin. Your actual cousin, I do believe that means. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My cousin's cousin. I mean, I knew him my whole, I knew him my whole life.

I, that's not cool, but. No, that's hilarious. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. He didn't bounce? Nah.

What's a real cousin then? Like, if you were to say like a real cousin. My first cousin. That's my cousin.

That's my cousin. Redman, you're Joe Rogan's producer, producer.

We was in Peoria in St. Louis. That shit was crazy, though. Yeah. It was a good time.

I saw snow for the first time. Oh, wow. I was frolicking and shit. It was crazy. You were frolicking?

I was frolicking, nigga. I was gonna make a snow angel, but I got down. It was cold as shit, so I got up. But it was fun, though. I really enjoyed that shit, man.

It was a good time, bro. Hell, yeah. That shit was fun, bro.

Come on, man.

You're a fucking star. Yeah, big stuff happening all the way around. One of the best top young rising comedians in the world. One more time for Cam Patterson.

Boom. Did it again. All right. Bobby's gonna go, pee, pee, real quick. And we're bringing up somebody from the inside, everyone.

So this is one of your people, one of your representatives. They are inside the audience. That usually means it's a first timer. We'll see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everybody.

Let's see. We have movement on a Carlos Lopez.

Is that Carlos? Is this Carlos, the big guy in the middle?

Oh, yeah. Here he comes, everybody. Oh, no. That's a guy going to the bathroom.

Anybody see a Carlos Lopez?

Nothing? How's that possible?

What? Whoever that is yelling from the back, come tell a producer. The great Liz Splatt, coming in with some information.

Hey, look at this creep. that's on Carlos Lopez.

All right, here he is.

Taking a long time, everybody. Perhaps more tired than Karen Jones right now, he might be. We having fun out there? One more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

Well, the back part of my dick is more dangerous than the front.

Not because it's big or nothing, but that means my stomach's pressing on you. It gets hard to breathe.

So I haul horses for a living, and I found myself up in Chicago making friends with thugs like one should.

And I was deep in the conversation before I realized I don't think smoking pigs in Chicago is the same as it is in South Texas.

Nice, calm swagger. I mean... Nervous as shit. Wow, I wouldn't be able to guess. You seem fucking cold, calculated, and under control.

You got the fucking belt buckle representing the rock solid hat. I mean, you look like bulls ride you.

And they still can't stay on. Goddamn right. I don't think anybody's lasting eight seconds on that.

Wow, look at you, a real man. Holy shit.

Goddamn, this is absolutely incredible. How does one become as manly as you?

Just grew up in South Texas, I guess. Even the women are manly down there.

Some of the women are some of the toughest young men you'll ever meet.

Carlos, you're funny as hell. How long you been doing stand-up? It's my first time ever. No fucking way. No fucking way.

No way.

Wow. How old are you? 29.. Oh my God, you're 29?. Holy shit.

But I fuck, I'm 16.

. I look 46..

I haul horses for a living, yes, sir. Wow. So, like the little horse, carriage things with the horses? No? You're saying no already.

I haul horses like in a big truck and 18-wheeler. Wow. Oh, I think I hear them now. No, that's my ex-wife. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Carlos Lopez is a fucking natural. Dude.

This is an epic first time on stage, brother. This is really something else for a first timer. I mean, this is exactly what the show is built for. Someone like you. Absolutely amazing performance.

Have people always told you that you're a funny guy? I only in prison. Were you in prison before? No, no, just juvie. I never went back after juvie.

What did you get put in juvie for? Oh shit. That's the head tilt that says fucking a goat. Yeah, for sure. That's a goat.

fucking head tilt, if I've ever seen one. Hey, you're the one fucking this goat. I'm just wearing the boots. Oh, my goodness.

That's my stage name. I love it. All right. All right. Redband's going crazy over here.

He's very excited. Horses and trucks, and, uh-oh. He's going and making noises with his mouth for the first time ever. Uh-oh. Didn't know you could do a horse walking impression like that.

Oh my, there you go. Very good.

Okay.

So, tell us some more about the life of Carlos Lopez. What else have you been doing? I've been hauling horses since I was like 21.. Yeah, hauling horses. Worked in the oil field.

before that. You were in the oil field. Look at you. Oh, my goodness. You are just a real fucking man.

You have a lot of chest hair? I do. Yeah, yeah. I got all the taco meat. Hold on.

Oh, my god. Look at that.

Wow.

I am.

It's a saddle. Oh, well, well, you know what?

Well, you know what? I think, uh, I think we could trade belt buckles tonight. You know what I'm saying? I ain't bumping buckles. I'm sorry, bud.

Wait, what? They call it bumping buckles. That's right. That's right. With a buckle, bunny.

Absolutely. Let's fucking go. Can I ask you a really, a tactical question? I just have always wondered this. When you're driving horses and you stop short, do they all fall?

Yeah, they'll fall, break their legs and stuff. You got to be real careful. I think that all the time. Yeah, me too. That's why, when people cut me off, I put my gun out, so they don't do it again.

Allegedly, allegedly.

Those people don't know how to drive in Florida. Now let's talk about your love life, because, seriously, you seem like you could walk up to any fucking woman in the world and have a chance at stealing them away from a man. Do you have any special, like, lines that you say with women or something like that? Hattie. Oh, that's it?

That's all day? I just came in my pants for the first time since my first hangout with Little Esther. I feel like he's got an answer for everything. He does. Let's be the woman hitting back on him.

I want to see how quick he is. Okay. Okay. Who should be the woman here? I'm very excited about this.

I'll do it.

Oh, hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. How you doing?

Oh, you're asking me?

Do you come here often or you wait till you get home?

He's too good. You know, my boyfriend's out of town. I was wondering, maybe you'd come back to my place and...

Howdy.

The Asian chick. Yeah, you're going to be an Asian chick and he...

Haw-kee-haw. I got it. Okay.

Have you ever had sex with an Asian chick? No, but I heard the crippled feet look better behind the ears.

Oh.

What is happening?

Yeah, can I hear.

. I just said you...

Hello, Motorola. Hello, my name... Wait. Sorry. Hello.

My name is who? My name is who? My name is who? Oh, I thought you were telling me. Repeat after me.

Oh, well, fucking say it.

Carlos, who? Carlos, who? Very good. That's very good. Now you're canceled.