#1990 - Bert Kreischer

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I love you, Beth. Brother, I love you way more than you'll ever love me, and you know that. I told you that last night.

That's a ridiculous thing to say to a person.

You changed my life immeasurably.

You changed mine, too. We changed each other's lives. We really did. I just get too much credit. It's all of us.

I keep saying to people, you've got to surround yourselves with the motherfuckers. If you're talking about your friends as if you're the top dog, then you're with the wrong dudes. Someone said to me, you're always talking like you're not a great comic, that your friends are so much better. I go, they are. Look who my fucking friends are.

We all rise up together. It's an old expression, the rising tide raises all boats. It really does. It's good for everybody. You want killers running.

Watching where other people are in their career. I don't have a 30 minute, half hour special.

People get upset with people that they really don't have any conflict with in real life. But in their mind, they associate that person with something negative. Because they feel bad when they think about them. Because that person is more successful than them. It makes them feel bad, so they think that person is bad.

It was like that when I started. It's not like that. It's way less like that now. I feel like the amount of love I've gotten from comics. these last couple weeks promoting the movie.

He's the nicest guy of all time.

He was the sweetest guy. I wanted to meet that guy. Joe, I wanted to meet him for so long. Because he's my favorite. Out of all the comics.

Yeah. That should be how it works. But, you know, you see people even talking shit about him. I've seen people talk shit about him in their comics. It's like, God damn it.

You know what it is? You said it earlier. It's transactional. It's like they think that it's going to help put them over.

Yeah. It's a weird thing that we all do. Because social interaction is very much like a game. sometimes. There's like moves and then there's counter moves.

I've seen people do it. Like when you're a room full of famous people, there's a couple types of people. There's people that work the room. And then there's people like me who leave the room. Because I go, this is overwhelming me.

It's too weird. I know. It's like, God damn.

Yeah.

It's like we've all known each other for so long that, like we know each other. Whereas, like, you know, you meet someone and they're already famous. It's like how much do they even let you in? You know? It seems like a weird life.

It's funny. I remember when all the fucking Iber-Mexican shit was going on with you. And Georgia was like sitting at the table. And she's on her phone. And she goes, oh, my God.

I went, yeah.

You're looking at your phone like you feel like. And I think that's what happens is like you look at like a celebrity or someone and you brand them with the thing that you think on the outside. I know I've been guilty of it. I talk shit about people before. Just fucking around.

He's way bigger than you think.

And his hands are huge and they're soft. And the first thing he does, Joe, is he grabs my arm to, like, dab me up, and he throws a knee. And he gabs me by the back of the neck and goes, do you still think you can fuck me up? And I'm like, I'm so sorry. But you know what?

What are you challenging? everyone in the bar? I'll kill every motherfucker in here.

You want it?

You want it?

Okay.

Who won it? Say a word.

Say a word. What are you doing?

You're starting fights? We're challenging a bar to a fight.

And this is in another country? Yeah, this is in another country. Jesus Christ, Bert.

We were fucking – dude, this motherfucker is the coolest guy in the fucking world. He goes –.

He literally is.

He stands up and he goes, who has that?

He's one of the coolest guys that's ever lived. It's on his Twitter.

Oh, it's on his Twitter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, look at this. He goes – he stands up and he goes, his first words out of his mouth, I'll kill every motherfucker in the room for this man right here.

No.

Oh.

I put her name on the back, man. Do you understand me?

That's mine right there.

Yeah, I own you and you own me.

I will kill everybody in here about your ass. Please understand that, about the way I love you, Marjorie Elaine. You understand me?

I kill everybody in here. I swear to God. I thought he was doing it. I thought he was doing it. He goes, ask the Lord about me.

That's hilarious. So you thought Stylebender was doing that?

Because Leanne sends me Steve Harvey clips and she had just sent him. And I thought he must have seen the clip. It must be going viral. So I thought he was doing Stylebender. So I go, I kill every motherfucker.

I thought he was doing Steve Harvey. Oh my God.

And then we started going table to table, Joe. We go table to table, challenging motherfuckers. Who wants it? Look at these big dudes behind them, these big Samoan guys. We're like, who wants it?

Bro, this could have gone horribly wrong.

I was challenging the female tables exclusively.

What if there was a rugby player there or something? He's the middleweight champion of the world.

I'm going to stand my fucking ground. Oh my God.

That's so dangerous.

We ended up buying the whole bar shots.

Oh, that's good.

Three times.

Whoa. Fill them up. Round them up. That must have been a drunk place.

It was. And then he texts me the next morning like, boom, he's out. He's out. I don't think he drinks as much as I do. And that dude, I'll tell you, I'm a ride or die for him.

How could you ramp it up any more than you're already doing it?

Dude, listen. I'll tell you what. I'm going to rehab.

Just to keep you on a constant IV.

Dude, I need to say this real quick right now. Everyone, please go to movie theaters this weekend and see my movie, The Machine. Please go out of the house. Buy a ticket to a movie theater. That is our biggest challenge is getting people in movie theaters.

Do it for me.

Prove that he's the motherfucker.

Well, I just think it's a funny fucking movie, man.

It's a good movie. It's going to be fun. It's a big action comedy that needs to be seen on the big screen. And I think people will be surprised at how fun this movie is. It's just fucking fun.

Oh, my goodness, Bert.

They're like, huh? And I was like, I don't know. What the fuck are you supposed to do? You're supposed to kiss someone and then just, like, how the fuck does that work?

Your body doesn't know that it's just acting. No. No. No. How could it?

I did the first kiss. My wife, Stephanie, is cool as fuck. By the way, I've talked with her, and we've talked about this a number of times. And she goes, we did the first kiss, and I'm like, I don't know. I'm just like, you know.

Is that, are you allowed to talk about that?

You're not supposed to. You're supposed to say, like, you're supposed to say, here, ask me what the kissing scene was like.

What was the kissing scene like?

You know, it was good. I would say, it's just acting. It's just acting. It's what we do as actors. OK?

Which is true.

Yeah, well, it is for some people. But it's also a fucking hardcore lie. It's also why Brad Pitt fucked Angelina Jolie. It's because you make out with her a couple times, you're like, that was fucking nice. I wonder what it's like.

Oh, how rude.

My wife's got good sense of humor.

I hope so. Yeah.

The whole fucking, I mean, the whole movie in general was like, I was not comfortable. I ripped my fucking arm. I blew my arm out.

But what is it like to have a story get turned into a movie? That's got to be weird as fuck.

They did it when we, last time I was here.

Yeah.

We were up here, and they started chanting the machine. And I was like, guys, I'm at the comedy mothership. I'm just in an hour 15.. And that was the best, that was one of the cool, that's the coolest thing about that goddamn club. Is.

And you're like, Jesus Christ.

So, you approve of what the mafia does. You're like, into the mafia. And I'm like, hey man, can we not make this a real, like, you're keeping your eyes open while we kiss. Let's fucking, just make it regular. Like, good morning America.

So, they got upset with the premise?

They were just like, they, like, they, they read half of it. And then they're like, so, you're in the mafia? And you're like, no, it's a little more complex. But no, but you like, got welcomed into the mafia. And you're like, yeah, like, yeah, kind of.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's been interesting. It's been fun. I'll tell you. what's been really fun is finding out just how wide this story has reached. Like, I didn't expect certain people to be, like, fans of mine.

It does make sense. Yeah. Because it's hard to do. It's hard to do publicly.

Yeah.

It's hard to be, you know, yourself publicly.

Especially when you're promoting a movie about yourself to be yourself publicly, you start understanding, like, Joaquin Phoenix.

Oh, my God. For sure.

You start going like, yeah, I don't want to, like, Secret Time. Well, this will air. It'll be fine. The premiere's tomorrow. I'm flying back tonight for the premiere.

It's fucking thick.

It's my algorithm. It's Snoop Dogg, porn stars, and fucking radio DJs. A couple pro surfers. Like, it's my algorithm, my watch dealer.

Well, that's not very secret. And I get both perspectives. Like, you made it. It seems weird that he's trying to enforce that on you.

No, no. He was just like, you're cool with that? I've heard a few people. There are people like, do you listen to your own podcast? No.

I might, if it's a Huberman podcast or one of those ones where I'm going to try to implement whatever they're talking about.

Yeah.

So maybe with those, I would listen to it again just to try to remember. Yeah. And write shit down. Because he gives you so many different beneficial things. It's like you have to kind of go back and write them down and try to keep track of them.

There's certain people who can listen to their own pod. Like, I can throw on an old two bears from during the pandemic, and I will. It's like a warm blanket. I go, I remember that day. I remember that.

Why not?

Yeah, right?

It's your movie. Dude. It's just weird that people would think that that's weird. It's like, of course, you want to see your movie. You want to see people see your movie, too.

They said to me, when are you getting to the red carpet? And I said, well, the movie starts at 7.. The red carpet opens at 3, so maybe like 2.30.. And they're like, wait, what do you mean? I go, it's a premiere of my movie.

Play it, cool guy.

I'm not a play it cool guy. I don't know how to play it cool. If you don't like it, you only get one run at this fucking life.

Yeah, also, like, fuck. playing it cool. Dude. Like, just be whoever you are.

Do you know what it was? I've been trying to work this as a bit, a little bit, but I can't.

Can I just tell you, I think with some sensitive people, I think your happy, fun guy energy sometimes throws people off.

You could be.

And they're like, eh, got to get out of here. You know, because you're like, oh, my God, it's fucking Ed Norton.

I went like this, Joe. Oh! Yeah, exactly.

Like, dude, that guy can't handle that. He poor guy was like, and I tagged him. He's a really nice guy. I had him on the podcast. He's really interesting.

Dude, he's a, he's the, he is, he's my Hulk.

He's the best Hulk.

He's the best Hulk. The best Hulk. He's the best Hulk.

Yeah, he's the best Hulk.

Dude, that movie where he does the dude with two accents, you know.

But that Mark Ruffalo Hulk is pretty fucking good, too. Pretty fucking good.

Oh, yeah.

It's a fucking toss up, dude. It's a toss up. Ed Norton's my guy.

When Leanne dumped me, when Leanne dumped me, I watched Fight Club on repeat, over and over and over and over again. When they play the Pixies at the end of the fucking movie, Where Is My Mind, and he's sitting, Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And the buildings are crumbling. Yeah. Ed Norton's my motherfucker.

You probably freak people out, man. You probably freak people out. You got a lot going on. There's a lot happening. It's all positive, but it's like for some people, it's like there's too much sensory input here.

Leanne says I cast a large wake.

That's a good way of putting it. That's a healthy way of putting it.

Yeah. It was really tough doing the movie, because everyone was fucking Eastern European. And my sense of humor is not Eastern European.

Did they understand? No. No.

No. The words, I guess, when you, look, I'm not an expert, but the words in the Slavic language or whatever, they speak in Serbia to explain me, the words they use are like unpredictable, explosive. Like, I think those are the words that you would use that personality. And they're also like, like there was a scene in the movie with my co-star that is, in order to do it, she had to be put into like a cast and like she couldn't move. And she wasn't comfortable doing it with me, because the words to describe me are he's unpredictable.

isn't, yeah. Isn't that, it doesn't, that mean car in Russian. Yeah.

Yeah.

And,

and I said, I just walked in the door. I said,

I'm a car. That's isn't that? it's in the, that's in John wick too.

Yeah.

I think it might be called the dude up. It says, you have La Machina. You have my, my car. Remember, that's the, the scene where he's got the fucking 69 Mustang.

Dude, let me tell you something. Keanu Reeves. That's the motherfucker. When you, after you, do an action scene and then you watch John wick, you're like, uh, that's learning the ballet. Like that guy, those things he does in that movie.

Like movies.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Just like, just for like, to fun. Like, you know, we go out and we shoot with Taryn and like, we learned the John wick guns and stuff.

Right.

If they had a class where you could just go, Hey man, for like this week, we're going to teach you a John wick sequence, just to just see if you can learn it. Cause it's really complex. A very simple fight scene. I punched like three dudes on a movie, cause I don't, I just am not, I get overexcited and I just would punch them. And, but they were like cage fighters.

Right.

But what John, what John wick does, I couldn't do that.

That's no, in the, especially in the first movie, look at this in John wick. One, that scene where he goes through the disco, the red circle club, that fucking scene is insane.

Yeah.

I mean, but here's, what's weird about it. Look, I love that movie.

Yeah.

But why? It's the sexy assassin that you root for. The whole thing's like, have we forgiven his past, where he worked for the Russian mob and killed? how many fucking people that didn't deserve to be killed? Like he was the guy you sent in to kill people.

That's why we like him. His dog, his dog.

It's the, one of the fucking greatest scenes.

You stole my car.

Ever in a movie that sets, sets up what the movie is about. When the Russian guy is talking to his son and he punches his son and he said, what? I stole a fucking car. And he punches his son in the stomach. And then he, he pops open the liquor and he goes, my son is not what you did.

Yeah.

And he goes, who? That fucking nobody. And he just goes, that fucking nobody.

It's John Wick.

John Wick.

It's one of the greatest fucking scenes ever. to set up how, how the movie is going to set up. It's a nice jacket.

Thanks.

Like in this scene, you're going, what the fuck is going on?

Yeah.

So I go, Yeah. There you go. English please. Come on. God damn it.

What did I do?

I'm not talking about Atlantic City. What the?

You mean Aurelios?

So I stole a fucking car.

Right.

You stay.

It's not what you did, son.

It angers me, son.

It's who you did it to.

Who? The fucking nobody? That fucking nobody.

What a fucking cool scene.

Look at this. Oh,

fucking look at this. Now you realize the sexy assassin.

My movie's not this good, Joe. It's not this good.

The sexy assassin. You just.

Look at his body.

You just awoken the sexy assassin.

My movie might be the exact opposite of this.

Fucking, the scene gets even better. The whole thing gets, when they explain who John Wick is.

Keanuism.

That dude. That fucking movie was so fun. But it's like, why is that fun? Why do you root for him? Why are you rooting for this guy to just kill everybody over his dog?

Yeah.

It's like, just to get to this one guy to get to revenge.

That guy is the same guy from Game of Thrones. Yes. He plays a bad guy. He is so good. Yes,

he does. Game of Thrones character. Oh my God.

That, I don't, I may have a hard time ever seeing him as anything else than the guy that ate his dick on Game of Thrones.

Yeah, they're great. I love that. They're both great. Yeah. Oh,

they're so fun.

They're both really good. I mean, you just, you can't fault it. It's super solid. I think it takes a long time to make one of those, though. Dude.

Yeah. Man, the woman that plays Cersei in that is so beautiful. She's just like... I mean, one is just a stunning... I've gone to her like, like, Googled her name.

whoa.

Stop talking about my wife. Holy shit.

Jesus, Burt.

Lena Headley.

Jesus, keep it together, Burt. Yes, beautiful lady.

She was in... Hell of an actress. She was in fucking 300. Mm.

That's right.

She is.

300 was the shit.

Yeah, I'm not one of those. Like, I'm not... I couldn't do, like, I couldn't do other people's movies. I could just... I just want to be a movie star.

Well, I think it's going to do awesome.

I hope it does. I hope it does. I hope people...

It looks fun. Everybody's going to love it. It's going to be a good time.

Go out to the movie theaters, everybody. Go to themachine.movie, get your tickets and go enjoy the movies this weekend.

How many movie theaters got hit real hard because of the pandemic? A lot. Most of them, right?

Yeah. What really sucks are the mom-and-pop ones. Like, so there's the mom-and-pop ones usually in, like, Asian communities that do Asian films, you know? Like, for, you know, like, I know. there's one in Korea.

Right. That makes sense.

Kevin Smith just bought the movie theater that he used to go to as a kid.

Oh, really? What's that?

Ah, fuck, I don't listen well.

He said it.

It was in, uh,

Jersey, right?

It was in Jersey.

It used to be a two-screen, now it's a five-screen.

We're going to do a screening of The Machine out there, I think this coming month.

Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to figure out to do, he like, had a theater to do his podcast in. Remember?

We just did a Two Bears, me and Kevin. Uh, like, he was a guest bear.

guest bear.

And he, uh, he, um, he walked me through it and it's funny to hear him talk about podcasting and what he was doing. because then I, I, I, it's almost like, imagine if our two timelines were like this, but he was doing it like 10 years before that. Like doing theaters, doing his podcast, doing that, and then all of a sudden he's like, and then, and then Carolla got his podcast and I'm like, wait, wait, hold on, you were doing theaters and stuff? And he was talking about the money they were getting at those times, was like, he was doing it for free at colleges and didn't know you could get paid to do it.

No kid. Yeah.

Kevin Smith, man, he said, he goes, what, because, you know, he's like complimenting me that I was doing well. He goes, what's the secret? And I go, the secret is, watch what Kevin Smith did 10 years ago and start doing it today. He's a badass, dude.

He's a very cool guy.

He changed, him and that group changed cinema forever. I mean, they created that whole independent filmmaking in, in like, 95, 97 or something.

They certainly were a big part of it. You know, independent filmmaking has always been real interesting, because every now and then there's a great fucking movie that you just don't hear about.

Yeah.

Because someone made it on a shoestring budget and they pieced it together with their uncle's money and.

Did you ever see the movie Run, Lola, Run?

No.

Joe, Joe, Joe.

What's it about, Bert?

It's about a fucking chick who just runs.

Just all day?

She's got to get from point A to point B to like, save her boyfriend or something. And she gets a phone call. Is this, hang on, this, oh, this is, so. wait, play it from the beginning, so we can see what the thing is.

Okay.

And she has to get from point A to point B and she runs the whole way there. but stuff happened in between and it's, oh yeah, her husband's robbing someone, I guess. It's a fucking, it's a foreign film that you literally are like on the edge of your seats. It's a fucking, one of those movies where you're like, small budget, just fucking good. Yeah,

they exist. Just probably hard to publicize them, probably hard to find. But you know, then there's also small budget movies that are terrible, that are awesome too. Like, The one with Franco? Like, really bad movies are fucking amazing, because if they're not trying to be funny but they are funny.

Yeah.

Like, sometimes, like, what was the one, The Room?

The Room. Yeah. The one James Franco and Seth Rogen remade. That's right, that's right.

I mean, how crazy bad does a movie have to be where people make a movie about your movie, about how bad it was?

Yeah.

But that can happen. Those are great too. I love me. a bad movie. I really do.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Like, I love the,

How about Roadhouse?

Oh dude.

Roadhouse is one of the best bad movies of all time.

He grips his throat out of his neck by the river. It's the fucking,

It's so goofy. Blade,

right boot.

Everything is awesome about it. Everything. Pain, don't hurt. Everything is awesome. He walks around.

with his own record transcripts of his injuries. Wow, you've been cut up.

He's had so many fucking injuries. He brings a folder with him. He brings a folder.

with him? She's fucking hot.

She's hot as fuck. The doctor falls in love with the sexy bouncer. It's fucking amazingly stupid movie. And Patrick Swayze.

is so beautiful.

He's so beautiful. Wait, they're remaking it.

with Conor McGregor. You know that?

Yes, yes. And Jake Gyllenhaal.

What do you want to?

Look at his hands. Do you want to fight me?

Big bad dog. What do you want to kiss and make up?

Every group had one fat guy that was like their tough guy.

Yeah, I mean they're all stabbing each other and shit. Oh,

it cuts him.

Oh, my god, this is so stupid.

Oh, yeah.

Especially now. I think people don't tolerate this kind of like obviously choreographed fake violence anymore.

I'll carry him up his jacket.

It just looks a little too corny.

Yeah.

But, back then, it didn't seem corny.

It was amazing what didn't seem, corny.

It was good back then. Like back, there's so many movies that when we were kids were like, this is a great movie. You watch it now, you're like, Jesus,

this sucks.

This movie sucks. Because you think they're so good. Because the culture has evolved. It's moved into like a new direction.

Oh, it's done that with comedy too. Like the comedies that we like. Yeah. You watch them now and they're like horrifically racist.

So many of them are trans, like fucking, we were talking about Ace Ventura. He's crazy transphobic.

Dan Marino throws up.

because he's made out with a dude. The whole fucking thing.

is like,

it's so crazy. And there is.

a complete, this is where

trans people should spend their time getting rid of that fucking movie because they see.

the dick in the back of their pants.

and they all throw up.

who's gorgeous. Yeah, she's beautiful.

Don't look. Boy, that's really on there.

This scene is so crazy.

Yeah, this is great.

This just seems like he just rips her shirt apart. Imagine that scene today.

Get rid of big old Mr. Kanish.

In her bra and panties. He's ripping her clothes off in front of everybody. In a comedy. And she's just standing there for some strange reason.

Look at Dan Marino.

Look at Dan Marino.

Excuse me for just one second.

She's dazed like a cartoon character. Like frozen in a video game. Right? Yeah. She's seeing birds and stuff.

Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken, if the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have.

ever seen! That's why

Roger Baxter is dead!

The tuck.

Mr. Winky.

They're all throwing up.

They're all throwing up.

Everyone's throwing up. Everyone's throwing up.

Everyone. Don't look. Don't look.

The dolphin's freaking out.

That culture... That's...

That's how much culture's changed. Yes. That's in our lifetimes. 94.. Yeah, 94, man.

I mean, we were watching, uh, with the girls one time, Sixteen Candles. Do you remember that movie? Molly Ringwald? Yes. In it, they have the donger.

Yeah, it's weird what people used to think was acceptable before it was depicted in the media.

Revenge of the nerds. The dude rapes her. He puts on her boyfriend's clothing and rapes her. Rapes her.

I don't remember that. At the end, she's like in a bounce house with the lights off,

right? She's in a bounce house. He grabs... They do... They're at the town fair.

Wow.

That's... That's fucked up.

What year was that?

It's gotta be 84..

Sounds right. This is...

That was like... I mean, don't even start with porkies.

Yeah, same time period.

Yeah. That was like... And that was greenlit by executives. That's a good scene. 84 is correct.

1984.. That's how much the world's changed.

Insane. And you're... And you're just talking about fight scenes. But that's... We're talking social commentary.

Yeah. It's just... We're just talking about, like, the way things are depicted in life. Mm-hmm. Like, you could never do that in a comedy.

We... At one point, in making the movie, I said to the... I'll say I said it to no one. so no one ever gets in trouble, because I know... I know that what I do is not what the studio's like, right?

It's just weird how much culture has shifted so quickly.