#2144 - Chris Distefano

Swear to God, I, I, my brain, couldn't process it that way. But through therapy, the therapist figured out, and it's right, because I checked on this with my girlfriend, and she was like, that's exactly what you did. I was very nervous about Radio City, didn't know where to put that energy, because it was a big show, I'm a New York guy. Big, biggest weekend of my life. So I said, about two weeks before Radio City, came home and said, we're putting up the house for sale.

I want to be able to walk to a bagel store. We can't walk to a bagel store at this house on Staten Island. I need that for my creative process. And my girl was like, what are you doing? We just renovated our kitchen, delivered, we just, you just poured money into, this is our home.

I was like, I can't walk to a bagel store, and my, it's going to fuck my comedy up. It will. What? Yeah. And, and then, you know, if, and then people, if you knew my address back then, you would know that there's a, it was a bagel store 0.9 miles away, that I didn't know about.

I convinced them. I had them buy this story, convince my girl, my family. What's going to be better for us is to sell this five-bedroom house. Here's what we, here's the move. We're going to sell this five-bedroom house for about $300,000 under asking price.

We're going to get out of this puppy. We're going to sell that. We're going to move to Queens, where we can walk to stuff and bagel stores and be in civilization. We're going to temporarily live in a two-bedroom apartment. And then we're eventually going to move into a condo.

And life's going to be better, because, you know, we won't have to, I won't have to care for these grounds anymore. I won't have to throw out the garbage. We'll be safe in an apartment. People can't come in the back window of our home. And this will be the move.

And I did that. And then the apartment that we had lined up fell through. We left the apartment we were living in, because it had roaches. Jasmine almost left me. She was almost like, I can't be a part of your chaos and self-sabotage anymore.

And I had to kind of really just say, what the hell did? I just do? Figure this problem out. Went back into therapy. Turned back into religion.

Starting to find some answers. And now we're living in a home that we're renting, that we like, and we're kind of settling in. But I learned the lesson of self-sabotage the hard way. The hardest, it's weird. What's going on in my career right now?

Selling the most ticks I've ever had. Financially the best I've ever done. Getting all these opportunities. Was the worst version of me as a human being. Not because I was just self-sabotaging after self-sabotaging.

And I couldn't, didn't know why.

And I'm like, well, yeah, I, what I had to do, what I, I really felt like. nobody could really help me with this. I was like, I got to just turn to professional therapists. And then I go into, and then I turned to back to going to church. And I was like, well, at least I have like, if anything for me, church is just an hour a week to just meditate and sit there.

And I have nothing. I have no thoughts. I have no technology. I'm like, it's just me and whoever I think God is. That's how I feel about it.

But that chaos, stuff that, you know, cause people always, you know, Chrissy, chaos. I was actually living in it. And I was like, okay, now, what I've done, now? I've like hurt my family. Now I've, now I've done a thing that's like not funny.

Now I've like taken things from my kids because I thought my kids would be like, oh yeah, dad. Like, like my eight year old, we had that, you know, this moment that kids are just kids. I'm like telling him, like, isn't this great baby? Like? we can walk to the bagel store.

Now we can go to the park. We're not like living off the side of a highway. And she was like, well, I love that. we had a pool. And I was like, yeah, but isn't it better that we can, you know, don't have a pool now and we can go to like the pool club.

And she was like, you know, no, she was like, honestly, she was like, we did it for you. So I'm happy that you're happy, but I, I miss my friends. And then I was like, oh my God, what the fuck did I do? So, so I kind of have been like backtracking as much as I can, little by little, to try to like, recorrect these mistakes. And now my family is more on board.

Now my family's like, hey, we're on, we're with you. We're, you know, we're with you, but we got to figure this out. So now we're settled finally in a place and we're kind of falling in love with the neighborhood we're living in as time has went on. And my kids are finding friends and all that. And we're not going to, I'm not going to take that from them.

I'm not going to, you know, be like, well, you know, wherever we are now, we're going to stay for years. So they can build the bonds and the friendships that they need. that I inadvertently took away from them without me even realizing.

I feel like we're all like this big brother sisterhood. Like we'll help each other. If one of us is falling, like we, we got each other. I believe in that. But I think that the actual anxiety of the day, of, you know, again, being a New York guy, one night radio city, the next night, the theater at MSG, all these, for me, a lot of tickets, you know, 10,000 plus tickets, which is, you know, that's huge for me.

I, I was like, how am I going to balance all this? What if I don't do? well? What if, what if, what? if one of these 10,000 people realizes that I'm, thinks that I'm some kind of fraud, thinks that like, Hey, you know,

But I said, what you just said, I said, I'm going to really just focus on being a dad, being home, coming off the road a little bit, just, just temporarily, doing my thing in New York. Keep my podcast going, keeping my name out there, but not going on this national tour, getting away from that. for now. I've shot a special. It's going to come out at the end of the year.

I'm like, be home. Be with the kids. Be picking them up. Be at the park with them. Focus on, like, give yourself a schedule.

I'm a comedian from nine to five, and there are nine to three when you pick up. And then when you pick up your kids, just for now, you just be with them. And then and that's really helped. And now, like last night, I was at your club, which is awesome. I was at your club.

And that was the first time I was on stage in about six weeks since I shot the special. Oh, really? And I felt so, I did some of the same material that I was because I'd been writing, but I was like, I don't want to try a brand new thing right here. I did one new thing, but I was like, oh, wow. I felt like that little mental experiment helped me.

Like, I was so excited to be on stage again. I've found, like, reconnected. And you, something that you do. that I noticed last night and I was like, huh, you, you know, how much, there's really nothing more you can do. And comedy, right?

I mean, you've done everything. The biggest you can get is you've achieved, which is beautiful. But I still saw you yesterday obsessing over your hour and thinking about, like, how do I make that joke better? Which is why you've gotten here. And I've had that question in my head.

yesterday. I got back to the hotel. I was like, do I have that? Do I, is it okay that I don't have it like Joe? Does that mean I'm going to not be successful?

Does that mean I, does that kind of, are we all just different? Because I love comedy. But I was like, I don't know. Like, I just shot a special and was like, you know what? I need some time off where I don't know that you've ever done that.

Right? I mean, you've never taken a big break from standup.

You're just free in the moment, flowing with passion, which is very admirable. And I look at that sometimes and I question myself. I'm like, do I have that? I know I've been relatively successful in this and I do love it. But I'm like, do I have that?

I was dripping in sweat. I was trying to do that.

And that's the thing you were known as. in the neighborhood. Everybody knew you as basketball. They used to call me gums. Cause I have big gums.

So they would call me gums, but they would call me Dirk, you know, little, Dirk. Like basketball was my whole life.

So basketball was an obsession. Then physical therapy, getting my doctorate degree was an obsession. And then comedy became an obsession. And I think I have this thing in my head where I know I have to stay in the present, but sometimes I can't help it. Where I'm like, well, is this your obsession ending now?

And you're going to find another obsession?

I have to keep doing great.

You know, my spouse and my family works, and I take care of multiple family members, which I'm proud to do. I don't feel like that's a burden. I feel like this is great. This makes me feel, at times when I feel emasculated, that's something that makes me feel masculine. You know, when I'm like, oh, I don't know how to build anything, and I'm, you know, I got my girlfriend here putting up sheetrock.

And I'm like, I can build fucking walls. emotionally. I don't know how to do anything else other than that. I'm like, at least I can, at least I feel like, you know what, I can take care of. this family.

Like, you. rely on me for that. And I guess there is something in comedy, you know, I guess, because it's not like a day job, a daily paycheck coming in every two weeks. Maybe that seeps in. But it's weird, because I am very confident.

I've always been confident in anything I do. I've always felt like I, my father would tell me from when I was a little kid, you control your part. You control the output, not the outcome. He said that to me a million times. You control your output, not your outcome.

Just control your output. And the outcome is irrelevant. It doesn't matter if you win or lose. I don't care about that. How are you playing?

And so I feel like I control my output as best I can. But yet, yet then I sit with these thoughts. kind of, you know, they eat at me sometimes, you know. But, and then maybe it comes out in weird ways where I'm like, well, I'll just sell my house. Or I'll, you know, I have a grid family thing right now.

But maybe I'll, you know, maybe I'll fall in love with the actress from Baby Reindeer. I don't know.

And I'm kind of saying along these lines, you know, I really fucked up. I do believe I've learned a lesson. I do believe that I would never do that again. And I do believe it wasn't fatal for us. But I was like, I really, like, I've never been that guy.

I would manufacture problems in my brain. I would say, oh, you know, this is an issue, but it's minor. It's not, it's self-obsessed, narcissistic, like disgusting. Like Chris, get over yourself. Self-obsessed, bullshit.

Get over yourself. And I would, and I would do that. And then kind of tell myself, like, you're being gross. Stop, Chris. Like your family, you have a pain in your big toe.

It's not brain cancer. Shut up. And, you know, your family needs you. And then, so I would do that. But then I actually did give myself a big problem.

I had two major problems. I had this house sale and then I had a family member who really was acting crazy. Like crazy, crazy, crazy. Where I was like, this is now a nightmare. This has become an issue.

So I'm like, now for the first time in the past nine months, I'm like, you, one self-induced, one, not. And you've created, now. how do you deal with this?

They're going to follow your lead and your lead right now. No matter how much you tell yourself. I don't do drugs. I don't do drink. I don't drink too much.

I'm, I'm, you know, stable. You're not, buddy. Like. you have to put your feet down right now. And your family's, you know, my, my eight year old is, she's old enough now to somebody, will, you know, somebody in her class will be like, oh, your dad's the comic.

He's pretty filthy. Right. So my daughter is now is at an age where she's, you know, I've never mentioned them. I, nobody knows what they look like. I'm not that, but, but I'm like, oh, there's responsibilities.

Now there's, there's repercussions for things we're doing. Now, my kids, they're not little anymore. My 13 year old, I have 13,, eight and two. My two year old's obviously a baby, but 13 and eight, you're going to have to now really, really, really get your shit together. And I think that was scary, because nobody really in my family, no male figures, at least, even though my father's a great man, nobody really got their shit together.

Right. I was like, I'm the only one who went to college. I'm the only one who pursued anything. I'm the only one who's ever even owned a home, you know? So, so, even though I sold it immediately.

Staten Island's not for everybody, even though I love Staten Island.

And what I believe has happened is I don't gamble. I don't even know what the point spreads and the vigs, that I don't know what any of that means. And card games, you could put cards in front of me. I have no idea what's happening. People talk about, you know, parlay bets.

I have no idea what's happening. I don't know what, it's a foreign language to me because of, I was like, I'm going to do that. But what I've realized now is, well, of course I'm gambling still. I'm just not playing card games and betting.

And at least he was like, well, I have this disease and I don't do it anymore. And I respect my dad for that. He got out of the, he got out of it. But I'm like, man, I was going down this path where, like, how many more decisions was I going to make? How many more times was I going to gamble?

Because I was like, I didn't realize. And this, this last nine months, I was like, wow, dude, you really fucking are looking it in the face now. Like these decisions. I mean, dude, when your eight year old is, looks at you like, what the fuck did you do? Right.

That's all, you know, your mom and dad can tell you shit. Even your wife and girlfriend can tell you shit, which I all love and respect. When your daughter is like, what did you do? Why did you do this to us? Right.

You kind of have this major wake up call where it was like.

during the time that we moved, there was a real, clear reason because Ellie was fucked.

Like it would make us happy. And I reached out to him and he was like, no, you can't do it. And it's funny. I sold it to, you know, Staten Island's like a funny, it's. the people in Staten Island are great.

They really, really are. But like when we first got there, you know, it's like an old school. If you don't know Staten Island, it's like an old school New York City neighborhood. It's like the only borough that is like, you know, kind of like more Republican than anything. Like they are like freedom, like American flag.

You will see American flags everywhere on Staten Island. And Wu-Tang Clan. And Wu-Tang Clan, right? Wu-Tang is on one part, but you know. And Staten Island.

Staten Island, baby. And so they, you know, they're like when I moved in, you know, I come in here, it's me. You know, like, you know, I'm Italian or whatever, but then my whole family's Puerto Rican. And my neighbors for like the first two weeks, just because I didn't know, I told my neighbors that my wife was Italian. And my girl was Italian, not Puerto Rican.

I swear to God, I told her Puerto Rican. And then my neighbor, who's a great guy, he's a doctor. He finally came over to me once and he goes, you know, we know she's Puerto Rican.

He said, Chrissy, it's no issue. Why did you lie? Because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And then I sold the house. And again, it's not, you know, I sold the house to a Palestinian family.

Which, whatever, right? They were very nice people. But I sold them. And now, you know, they're proud of their country. And then, you know, I sold them before this whole shit started popping off.

So now that same neighbor's like, way to fucking go. And he'll send me pictures. And then it's funny, because, like they have, you know, a flag outside. And now my neighbor got an American flag twice as big as theirs. Just fucking stamping that.

So I'm like, so now I've caused a community conflict.

They have a whole. So, and I fucked up. But I do feel, I do feel that we, I'm confident we can, we are getting out of it. And I'm confident in my abilities.

Drugs is a scary mess. Yeah. Yeah. Those are scary ones, because those, they slip, people slip away and then they find yourself at OTB and they're fucking betting money they don't have. And they just, they get that rush.

Yeah. When you see people that get that gambler's rush, it's just like a drug addict. Like their eyes gloss over. Like they just need that fix. They need that bet.

You've seen Uncut Gems, right? Sure. Oh. Phenomenal. Does it give you anxiety?

You're getting this weird anxiety fix. Right. This dopamine fix. Whatever it is from gambling. Yeah.

You know, if you're not, that's like a two hour commute. He couldn't, he didn't have a car. It was taking the ferry and trains and never missed one visitation with me. He was on all my games. But even in the throes of the addiction, like he would take me to the OTB racetrack and I loved it.

He was like, we're going to watch the horsies, Chrissy. You have a you who will have fun. But, you know, he would always tell me, you know, you could leave my mother's house, right? Where, where, where she still lives and you could go to the right was church and to the left was the OTB racetrack. But it kind of, the church was like at a top of a triangle.

So you could go either way and get to the church. And my, my father told me he'd always be like, you know, when you're going to church with your mother, though, you always go to the right. Okay. You don't walk to the left. Never walk past that OTB with your mother to the right, because he knew that the dirtbags who hung out outside there knew me.

And so one day we walked that way and they all started going on. So, like, here he is, Chrissy. Good luck, John. There he is. There he is.

And my mother was like, how do you know those men? How do you know those men, honey? And I was like, you know, my, you know, sometimes dad walks with me past that way. And then she was like, you tell me, right now, is he taking you into that OTB racetrack? And then I like, didn't know, like, what the fuck to do?

I was, I had that moment. Like, do I side with my mom or side with my dad? And that was, I remember, like first time, feeling like anxiety. But, you know, I, one thing about, I just kind of always sided with my dad. So I was like, no, I was like, I've never been in there.

I don't know how those guys know me. But then, of course, she found out and, you know, I got in big trouble.

But it's what it is.

God damn. Dude, by the way, I love Austin so much. I really do. I've, I got into the car today. You know, the, send a car for me to come here.

I appreciate, I get in the car, you know, real nice suit and tie driver. And then he stepped in dog shit. as soon as he got into the car. He's walking and I see him go, oh fuck. And then he steps in dog shit and he's just driving in the car.

And it smelled, the entire car smells like dog shit. And I said, sir, did you step in dog shit? And he said, yeah, I did. And I was like, oh, okay. He was like, you want me to take my shoes off?

I can throw them out right here. And I was like, you'll drive this car barefoot? He goes, absolutely.

And I was like, nah, dude, it's okay. I was like, you're willing to drive this car barefoot? He goes, you're my customer. I'll drive barefoot for you. And I was like, dude, I fucking love it.

And then he's waiting for me here. And I was like, what are you going to do, man? He was like, I'm going to find a paper towel and I'm going to wipe down these shoes. You better believe it ain't going to smell like shit in here when you come back. I was like, good for you, dude.

Thank you. But full dog shit. Yeah. Good people out here.

That's what's good about it. It's like, people aren't a burden.

Still my home city. But the problems that you would always hear about, like, you know, people would say, oh, it's a conspiracy. or like, you're watching that shit on the news. Now you're actually seeing it. Okay?

So, for, you know, 39 years, I never had one altercation, not one altercation on the subway or in the streets with any kind of mentally unwell person. in New York. There's a lot of crazy people, but like, they're not really fucking with you. Three times in the past year, three times in the past year, I've been physically assaulted or like had to defend myself against a mentally deranged, homeless person. One time I was walking in the comedy cellar, some guy came at me and like just put his elbow on my chest and I had to push him and he fell over a pile of garbage.

I just had to push him as hard as I can where I'm like, I never dealt with that. And now you're starting to hear people who like would always, kind of, you know, never, ever, ever even think about like voting any other way. But the traditional New York way are like, I have to now vote another way because it's not safe for me anymore. There's crime and the cops, I feel bad, man. The cops, if I was NYPD, a lot of my friends are NYPD.

They're like, dude, we want to, we want to fucking police. We can't, I can't do anything. My boy was telling me a story. He's like, we were outside the projects, right? He goes, and we see this drug dealer selling drugs, right?

We see him, he's selling drugs. And we know he's right there selling drugs. We arrest him. Out. Right away.

Out. He goes, then we saw him selling drugs to what looked like a 10-year-old kid. So we arrest him. We arrest this kid. We're seeing a 10-year-old child walk with a bag of drugs, arrest him, back out.

He goes, so what do you want me to fucking do then? I can't keep doing this.

I don't know. But I'm like, I see it now for the first time ever. I'm like fully seeing people injecting heroin. Fucking- It's wild. Even my father, who was like, I grew up in New York.

My father was like, I remember New York in the 70s and 80s, which was like nuts. Like, you know, he was like, you would get assaulted. Everybody had AIDS. He was like, you know, this is scarier in New York. I'm more scared of this New York.

Because you know, he said, in the old New York, you knew which neighborhoods, don't go in that neighborhood, and then you're okay. But this New York, I don't know where that shit's coming from. It's going to pop out of anywhere at any time. And you'll have people that will hear this and be like, you're, you know, you're exaggerating. It's not true.

I'm telling you, it's true.

I mean, I will tell you that, like, a lot of New Yorkers, blame it on Mayor Bloomberg. Like, he's the most hated ex-Mayor Bloomberg. He's the most hated person.

Like, people, I was at a gym once in Park Slope, Brooklyn. He was on the elliptical, and he has his security guard standing by him. He was the acting mayor. And, I mean, people were just fucking trashing him as they walked by. Just, I mean, outwardly trashing him, because nobody gives a shit.

We're like, you, the one guy was like, you fucking suck. And, by the way, that's a girl's machine. That's a girl's machine.

De Blasio's not his real name, is it? It's like some sort of a German name. What's De Blasio's real name?

Yeah.

It's one of those things, though, where I just got to stay there. It's just home. If I wasn't- Yeah. Well, especially after what I told you I just did. I can't now uproot the family to Austin.

As much as I want-. Are you thinking about it? Yeah. Well, when I come here, I'm like-.

When it comes to shit like that, I won't lie. Yeah.

This is a good place to live, but I don't think you should uproot your family again. Yeah. Unless you can convince them. Unless they come here and they really like it.

Jamaica Plain, which is nice. now, it's like they've done- As Boston expanded, they renovated a lot of places and added- Jamaica Plain is a much more calm neighborhood. When I was there in the 1970s, it was sketchy as fuck. It was sketchy. I think we moved there in 78 or 79..

It was fucking weird. I had dangerous neighbors. These kids are already having sex. I was 11, and they were like-. I remember this kid was telling me, you don't even know how your dick goes in a pussy.

You probably think it goes in straight. I'm like, it doesn't. He's like, it goes up. I go, it goes up.

. They were trying to explain to me that it's like- I guess I wasn't 11.. I guess I was 13..

It was sketchy. This is where I went to 8th grade. I went to this public school in Jamaica Plain. We didn't have any money. It was a shitty area.

The kids were like 17 in the 8th grade. They would show up for the first days of class and then quit. It was just like they were just- They had dropped out so many times. Here they were the age where they should be graduating, and they're not even in high school yet. Wow.

It was weird.

. That was a lot of fun.

. I was 17. 15?.

We actually were on the same basketball team. Whoa. We were playing basketball together and she had already had sex and I was a virgin. and we had this sex and unprotected. And I'll never forget.

She put like a do-rag on. She had done this before. My mom wasn't home. Right. She put this do-rag on.

She was ready to go. She was ready to go. I was so nervous I could barely get an erection. I just couldn't. It was like impossible.

And then finally got it in. and then I finally got it up and it was, she wrote, dude, two pumps, blew it. She was like, did you just come inside me?

Hysterical crying to the point where she, you know, comforted me. And then within two weeks, broke up.

So you just cry.

I would like make it a thing, whatever.

Pandora's box of anxiety opened up for me on 9-11 because I thought my mom was dead, this whole thing. So I couldn't shake that feeling for 10 years after that. I could not shake the feeling of thinking my mom or anyone, I loved, any woman that I loved, girlfriend or mom or aunt, if they did not respond to me within five minutes of a text, I assume they were dead. That feeling of 9-11 every day came back because I was calling my mom, no response, no response, every day, coming back, coming back. And so I would deal with that.

And then something happened where I started to look at my anxiety like narcissism and disgusted with myself, to the point where, because I used to put out these videos, Anxiety Tuesday, talk about my anxiety, and people will still sometimes be like, oh, that Anxiety Tuesday stuff, it helped me so much. Why don't you do it anymore? And I'm like, I hate that. I hate that guy. That guy was so pitiful because you were being worried about things that really didn't matter.

What I should have done, and what I know now, is dealt with that anxiety in a healthier way. So, instead of subconsciously, you know, selling my house because I was really nervous about a big show, I would have been able to deal with that anxiety in a healthier way and make a better decision. So I think, like this relationship with anxiety is so like big and swings in my life that I used to kind of let, I'm trying to use the energy now to be like, well, how can you learn from this? How does this build you up? And how do you make better decisions?

You know, by, by doing this. So I, I struggle with that.

We needed to beat them. I was, I was, you know, one of the best players on the team.

I, I remember I would, she wasn't texting me back. I foolishly texted her before the game, like when we were in the locker room, and then thinking, okay, we're going to go in for warmups 20 minutes. So I would have to leave my phone in another room because the anxiety of like, is the phone ringing or not? I couldn't handle it. So I, if I texted her and then I went and did something else for 20 minutes, I would say at the end of this 20 minutes, she's going to have a text, she's home and you can relax.

Right. Even though it was pure daylight in New York, like she was always going to be okay, but my brain convinced me otherwise. So one day she's not texting back and now the game has begun. So I'm playing this game. Like I can't even feel my body.

Like I am paralyzed. Truly. I cannot feel my body. My mouth is numb. I'm having like a full panic attack, but I am the lead player on a college basketball game that we need to win.

So, so I don't know like what the fuck to do. So I call a timeout. I call a timeout, overrule my coach. I'm like, time a coach. I just need a breather.

Okay. I say, I'm just going to go back into the training room. I just want to tape my ankle, which is normal. Okay. I come back out cause I wanted to look at my phone and look at the phone.

Still no message, still nothing. You know, it turns out it was just a delay on the train and she, whatever, she's a 21 year old girl. She's not looking at her phone all the time. Right. And I come back and I have the phone stuffed in my pants.

And every time I thought it was vibrating, it wasn't. I was just running in the game. So then I stuffed it in towels and the warmups, which was in a pile in the back of the bench, and they would call, coach would call timeout or I would call a timeout. I did that twice and get out. And then I would, I would go over and look at the phone to see if, if, you know, she had texted me and I dealt with this anxiety.

And then what happened was is my, I was, you know, we were kids, 19,, 18, 19.

. They, I opened up to one of my friends about it. We used to call him Bam Bam. He's a big boy. And we, I, and, and, and I opened up to him about it, thinking, you know, whatever.

And then what they did again, back then, not knowing anything about mental health, not really caring, being from deep in Brooklyn. What they did? is they, on a road trip, one time we were going to a game, they found a way to start. Oh, they star, six, sevens called me from a, you know, unrestricted. No, it won't, it'll pop up nobody.

And they said, girl's name was Melissa. They were like, Hey, we kidnapped Melissa. We have her in the trunk of our car. She's going to die. Like everything that they, I confess to them.

They said, and I had, and it was crazy, my freshman year, when she also played basketball as well, that when I was a freshman, she was, she was a senior. So we would always be in the same gym at the same time. So I know anxiety. I was 90% free throw shooter, nine zero my junior and senior year. When I was a better basketball player, in better shape, the leader of the team, but she was not with me every game, 50% free throw shooter, because my brain, I couldn't feel my body.

And I somehow got people, my teammates didn't even know this. I got all the way to division three, all American. I was like, I'm my school's all time leading scorer, or maybe second now, but I did all this stuff. And I was completely, 100%, absolutely having like this mental health crisis. Like I, as anxious as I could be where I swear, I'm not, I would never joke about this.

Like I was like at 21 years old, being like, I'm going to have to kill myself. I'm going to have, I cannot live like this. And nobody could help me. My mother didn't know what to do. No, no, but this was, you know, 20, five.

Yeah. 20 years ago. I know, but there was no mental health. Nobody knew that, nobody knew about like that. I just dealt with every day, reliving.

I think, my girlfriend's dead. I think reliving that nine 11 Pandora's box. And it affected me. And to the point where, like every relationship I had, they broke up with me. Cause they were like, I can't deal with this.

to them. It was control. And in a way it was, I was trying to control. I wouldn't care about if they cheated on me. Where are you?

I was never jealous about that. I'd be like, go have fun. Have sex. Let me know what big as Dick is. I'm kind of into it.

I don't give a. But I, I, I, I cared about their safety always. And it was this thing I could not let go of. And I, the biggest fear I have, the biggest fear I have, and that's what I'm trying so hard to work at this now. And sometimes it's fucking exhausting, but I'm trying so hard, is I don't want that anxiety to come back.

And then I put it on my daughters, right? Cause I don't want them. I don't want to be there. 18, 19, want to live their life. And dad's here texting them and they don't write back.

And now I'm thinking who has my daughter. So I worry about that. That's, that's the first fear I had when I held my oldest daughter. It was, you know, love of my life. I've held her and I was like, what am I going to, what's going to happen when she goes outside?

Which I know you got to stay in the present. You can't worry about that. But sometimes it, it hurts me.

I very rarely dealt with instances where my mother was not responding. It's my mom. So she is thinking about me all the time where these girls, rightfully so, would be like, I'm not going to sit here and respond to this behavior. You know, like he's nuts. And I was.

And then, and then so, and so. that's the only way I could get over it. Now, how I deal with it, like, you know, now, you know, my girl's out picking up my kids from school while we're doing the show. I just have a feeling. What I think about now is, if something was to happen, I can handle it.

I'll be able, I'll be okay. It's going to hurt, but I'll be okay. I've had enough life experiences where things hurt, but you'll be confident you can get through it. And I try as best I can to tell myself, hey, your brain is a defense mechanism, is always going to give you worst case scenario for survival. So just know that that worst case scenario is the statistically, the least likely thing is going to happen.

And if, God forbid, it does happen, you'll be able to deal with it. You can handle it. Where I think the anxiety for me, the last time came, I don't know what to do. I don't have the tools to help me. If something horrible happens.

But I'm like, yeah, I didn't, I didn't need this today. I feel like I, you made me nervous again now. Like I didn't, I didn't need this at all today. I was okay today, but it's Tuesday, 1115.. So that's our session.

You know, a lot of things is like, if you have bad things happen in your life, you can develop anxiety. But also, when bad things happen in your life and you recover from them, you realize you can recover from bad things.

I used to be that guy that's scared of anesthesia. Cause I had to get a colonoscopy because I took a shit that looked like it had some blood in it. And it turned out it was just a bunch of boys and berries, but they, but that's what it was.

And I'm like, well, now I'm not scared. Now I feel, cause it, you a big anxiety for me would be okay. I feel a pain in my chest, my stomach, you know, whatever. Like. I had gas once in my stomach and I had shows in England and I got, I literally went from literal gas pain.

Cause you were eating all this British food, just a minor gas pain that was going to go away in 10 minutes to brain exacerbated it into a potential appendicitis. I'm across the ocean. So now I have three more shows left. So what I'm going to have to do is figure out a way to get home preemptively. So what I'm going to do is I called the venue.

I said, I have an emergency. They said, what's the emergency. I said, my step-mom died, which wasn't true. And I got on a flight. I swear to God.

And I got on a flight. Jesus Christ. Yes. I got on a flight, didn't tell the other people on the show, got on a flight and got home because, and when I landed back at JFK, my stomach pain went away and it was all in my head to begin with, because what I was saying was at that time was I'm going to get my appendix removed over here. I might die in the hospital.

I don't know how, I don't know how I'll react to anesthesia, but now, but now that wouldn't happen. Now, what I would say, if I got appendicitis feeling right now on the show, what I'd say was, well, if that's going to be the case, you'll deal with it. You know what, you know what anesthesia feels like. You won't know about it anyway. We have enough modern medicine here where, if you really, if this thing got really bad and this was like, you're going to die, you have enough medicine here where you can make this as painless as possible.

I was like, I have stomach pains and I, and I flew away. And because my brain would get the best of me, but now I'm different. Now I'm saying, well, I'll be able to handle this. That's how I feel. Jesus.

It's a little nuts, right?

And, but back then I just was a drawer. I was an illustrator. I did a lot of comic books.

There's a lot of lefty morons, I'm sure. But lefties are really good at boxing. Like, some of the hardest sparring rounds I ever had to do were with left-handed guys. It's a different angle. You're looking at things totally different.

You're open for stuff that you're not, like. you're open for a straight left. The right jab comes from a different place. It's harder to manage. It's weird.

Because your brain gets used to a guy with a left hand in front, and you're standing and you're moving around with him. As soon as the right hand's in front, you're like, oh shit. It throws everything off. They're really good. at pool.

A lot of like world champions are left-handed. Like some of the best players in the world are left-handed. Not all of them. A lot of really good right-handers too. But there's something about left-handed people.

They seem to excel at stuff.

You're thinking about the exact amount of revolutions you're putting on the ball. The angle that ball is going to come off. What is going to come off with spin? Are you going to put check spin on it so it shortens the angle? Or are you going to put running English on it so it lengthens the angle?

Are you going to hit it soft or hard? Where do you want to get for the next shot? And then where do you want to get for the shot after that? Which is you have to play three balls in advance.

I was like, ooh. That's one of those things like in Boston. One of the things that I noticed is the guys who were really into golf, their careers suffered. Because they weren't really thinking about comedy. They were thinking about playing.

They wanted to play golf. Comedy was like their job that they would do so, they would have money. And then, during the day, they would play golf. And golf had become their thing.

You get to know a person on a golf course. Just like you get to know a person playing pool. You get to know how they can handle pressure. What kind of a person they are. Like.

Brian Callan famously told me this story where his mom was watching this guy that his dad was going to do business with play golf. And the guy cheated at golf. He moved the ball. And she goes, don't do any business with him. He cheats.

He moved that ball. He's a liar. She was right. There's a thing that you can see when a person plays pool or plays golf. You see their character.

That makes sense. He just says, what kind of traitor of a person are you that you want to live around people who hate you because of your fan choice? Unless, he said, the only caveat to that is if their father was from like Pittsburgh. Right. And you're a dire Steelers fan.

You moved to New York. I get that. Yeah, I get that. But if you're just, you're the guy that just wants to go against the grain, his advice is no, thank you. I want nothing to do with you.

Which that's pretty good advice. Yes. That's a pretty good rule to live by.

I jerked off today. I was coming in a little heavy. I was a little anxious. Whatever happens. And then I kind of just let it sit there on me.

And I got up and the shirt that I had was at the edge of my bed that I was going to wear. And I got up and it just leaked. It fell onto the shirt. So, I was like, this is the only shirt I have. So, I threw on a Mets shirt, knowing that some of my friends back home are going to be like, Are you a fucking Mets fan now?

Or are you a Yankees fan?

My father's from the Bronx, not a Yankees fan. But Mets fan, the owner of the team, Steve Cohen, right? He's a big owner, you know, whatever. Really nice guy. I did, in the pandemic, I did his 60th birthday party.

Oh, no. Private party, right? In a room like this.

so here's what happened.

I have material about having this Puerto Rican family, right? Steve's wife is Puerto Rican, okay? They have a 60th birthday party.

And what I thought the birthday party was going to be was him and his family. I'll do my Puerto Rican jokes. You know, the wife will like it. You know, whatever. It's 20 minutes.

You know, great money. You know, cool opportunity. Do it. It's a challenge, right? It's the pandemic.

Not much going on. They rented out this restaurant. Nobody's supposed to know about it. It's like in the back room thing. So, I go.

So, I get there and it's, no, it's him and his 10 friends. All guys. Just all guys sitting at a table like this having dinner. They do not know comedy's supposed to happen. The wife thought it'd be a good idea to get a comedian in there for his 60th birthday that she wasn't invited to, because this was a guy's thing.

And so, a 60-year-old billionaire doesn't know who the fuck I am. If you're going to have comedy, have Jerry Seinfeld. Have Joe Rogan. Have somebody that they know. They have no idea.

So, the guy who, you know, was like Steve's assistant, who, you know, has to answer to his wife, I think his name was Ned. He goes, are you the comedian? I was like, yeah. He goes, all right. He goes, what's your name again?

And I was like, it's Chris DeStefano. I thought, like, Mrs. Cohen knew me. She was like, yeah, she's not here. Like, that's, this is, it's all guys in there.

I said, well, you know, do you not want me to do it? He goes, no, she already paid you. Like, you have to do it. So, I was like, okay. So, I was like, well, where, just show me where, like, the microphone is.

He was like, we don't have anything. There's no microphone. There's no lights. He goes, we were thinking. He goes, they just got served their entrees.

So, we were thinking you could just stand in the front of the table and do a few minutes. So, I was like, you know that this is going to be, this is a nightmare. And he was like, it doesn't feel like they're going to like you. So.

my God.

We got a, you know, fun comedian. And he goes, and he goes, so here he is. And he goes, Chris, Chris. And then one of the guys went, Chris Rock.

And I was like, hey, guys, I know, this is probably not what you wanted. I can leave right now. But I have, you know, if you want me to do some jokes, like, you know, I'll do them right now. And then one guy was like, yeah, do it. He goes, but make it quick.

So, I was like, okay, this is good. So, I go out there, and Joe, I am fucking bombing, like you can't imagine. Like a full zero. All you hear is knives and forks hitting the plate, people chewing. At some point, I don't know who threw it, a shrimp bounced off my chest.

Somebody hit me with a shrimp, and they're dying in the back of the table. Tommy Mottola was there, you know, the famous record producer. And, you know, was married to Mariah Carey. So, I go, oh, Mr. Mottola, you know, I'm a big fan, you know, of your ex-wife.

You know, I love her work. He goes, yeah, I bet you're a big fan of cock too. Big laugh, you know, like I'm like, oh, my God. So, then, finally, the only person laughing.

He goes, what did my wife tell you? And I said, well, you know, Mr. Cohen, she told me just come out here, birthday gift for you. You know, do 15 minutes, and, you know, like just, you know, just do the best I can. And she thought you'd like me, because I talk about the Puerto Rican kids and all that.

He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not Puerto Rican, though. I was like, no, I know, I know. And he goes, how about this? I'll make you a deal.

He goes, what are your five best minutes? And I said, well, I did the David Letterman show a few years ago. He goes, oh, I know, David Letterman. I said, yeah. He said, why don't you do that?

And he goes, do that. Do those five best. He goes, I'm going to tell my guys to listen. Do those five best. He goes, if you can get me to laugh in those five minutes, I'll double whatever my wife gave you.

He goes, did you get it already? I said, yeah, I think she wired it to my agent. He goes, I'll double it, whatever it is. I don't even know what the number is. Times two, give me your best five.

So I, just like planted my feet and I just took a wall, didn't even look at anybody. Just did my exact David Letterman set, which is about being on the subway. I just came back from England like shit from 10 years ago. But I had it and I did it. And they started to laugh.

And sure as shit, that's what he did. He doubled the money. Turned out to be a big thing, you know, for me. And then what happened was, is I had to sign all these NDAs not to talk about anything.

I had to sign all these NDAs not to talk about it. But I thought I had to sign NDAs because it was during COVID times and they were like renting out a restaurant, which, like you, really couldn't do back then. So I was like, just don't mention that. And I was like, and I thought it was really more, for, like, you know, they don't want reporters showing up to the actual event and them getting in trouble. But it's like the next day, who cares?

So I do my podcast the next day. Hey, babe, it's Sal Vulcano. And I start the show with, dude, I fucking ate it last night. Here's the story, right? Going crazy.

That episode comes out the next day. We filmed it in the morning. It came out that night. So the next morning, so two days removed from the Cohen gig, I wake up. I have 20 missed calls from my manager, my agent, lawyer.

I wake up. I'm like, what the fuck happened? So my manager gets on the phone. He goes, take down that episode, dude. Take it down.

I said, what? He goes, you broke, you violated the NDA. You just said all these things about the Cohen gig. You can't do that. His lawyers are saying you're going to get sued right now and they're going to take you to court and they will not lose.

And then so I just hung up the phone on him. I was like, I need a second. And I just hung up. I said, what the fuck do I do? Because I'm like, I'm not taking that shit down.

I, you know, it's comedy, whatever. And then, so I'm like, let me calm down. Let me calm down. So I scrolling on Instagram, right? This is what we do.

Baseline scrolling on Instagram, like a fucking crocodile. I'm scrolling and I see DMs from Steve's wife, Steve's daughter, Steve's son. And I'm hearts like this. now. I'm like, oh, maybe I am fucked.

Cause. like now the family themselves, it was all, I can't believe. you talked about it. Hey babe. We loved it.

That's amazing. My dad's dying, laughing. Come to a Mets game. Throw out the first pitch. The mom being like, I want to meet your wife.

Oh, my God. I kid. Thanks for mentioning that. And I'm like, wait, what the fuck? So I call my manager and I'm like, I have messages from the family saying that it's okay.

And then he's like, all right, hold on. And then he calls. He says, send me those messages. I sent him the messages. And then, within five minutes, lawyers backed off.

Cause, although Steve didn't tell them to do that, the legal team was just like, that's a violation. I don't even check with Steve. You fucked up. And then, so, and then it went away like that. And then the family now has become like friends of mine.

It's like really Cohen family owns. the Mets are like awesome. Amazing people. It's like, it's almost, even though it's a big major league baseball team, it's like when you go to the game, it's like, Joshua, you don't even need a ticket, dude. Come, walk in the back door, walk in with us.

Like so cool. And now, and then Steve goes, I'm going to let you redeem yourself in the baseball season. He goes, I'm gonna let you redeem yourself. Okay. I was just at the game.

And he goes, here's what we'll do. He goes, it looks like rain. He was like, there's a rain delay. I'm going to give you the mic. I'm going to put you on the jumbo tron and you do five minutes.

I said, you want me to do five minutes to cold, wet Mets fans that are angry about the team not playing? He was like, do you want to redeem yourself or not? And I was like, I'll do it.

So, so we have, I think it's on my Instagram somewhere. So we have, I'm wearing, dude, the worst shirt, like a floral printed, stupid shirt. My friends, I was sitting in the owner's suite, right? My friends are diehard Mets fans. They were sitting in the stands for this.

They didn't know this was happening. So rain delay comes. They have the Mets announcer again, who messes up my name. Call me Chris Destalopoulos. I'll never forget that.

She goes, Chris Destalopoulos. She goes, I was going to do a few minutes of comedy for you. So, and then the camera's just on me, and I'm still, I don't even have a mic. They had, you know, one of those mics that you pin to your shirt. So I had that.

So I was like doing that bit where I was like, and I'm bombing.

So I'm bombing in front of, you know, 30,000 where, when I got Steve Cohen, by the way, and his friends are dying, dying, laughing. Cause they knew that that was going to happen. And then Steve goes, he goes, you're all right, man. You're, you're, you're good. You're all right.

I was like that. And then I got all these texts of my friends. My, my boy, Pat, was like, dude, I was in the stands for that. Like, you know, we're huddled under. He goes, you were bombing.

He goes, I heard multiple people say they were going to unfollow you on Instagram for this shit.

And he goes, it was so bad. He goes, it was literally so bad. He said, there was a little kid started to cry. It was horrific. And he goes in your shirt, fucking sucked.