Armchair Anonymous: Halloween

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Lily Zappa.

Halloween.

Halloween. We love festive episodes. We love Halloween.

Yes.

I went to the hayride last night, the haunted hayride. You did?

Yes, yes. And with Fred?

Yeah, Fred and Ricky. Fun. Yes, it was really fun. They've changed it.

Oh.

You don't go by the old animal enclosures anymore, which I found to be particularly and uniquely freaky. To see a band in. Yeah. Because it used to go to the LA Zoo. That wasn't a part of it anymore.

Oh, you didn't pay for that package?

No, they had new, exciting stuff. And it was fun because Fred and I talked nonsense the entire time.

Yes, and did they listen? Did it get back around to the creators?

There were no plants, no. But we made a point to remind everyone that that was Fred's idea and that mine was a blood bag. Yes. This prompt, fittingly, was, tell us, a time. something crazy happened on Halloween.

Oh, these are great.

Yes. There's maybe one that you shouldn't listen to. Yeah, but I think you can. Oh, the burp?

Yeah.

I love the burp. That's my favorite one, for sure.

It's not as bad as some of the others you can't listen to.

Here's the thing. Just don't be consuming any clear Pepsi. No, anything that has a consistency of what? Soup? A clear soup, yeah.

The third story, just put your food down.

Yeah, don't be eating anything. Yeah, I think that's. But it's a wonderful story. It's so good. Oh, I loved it.

Wait, I wanna give a quick update. Yeah. Because we're in Armchair Anonymous land.

Okay.

A major story that we said you couldn't listen to was in waxing, pretty much that whole episode.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'm getting a wax today.

Oh, my gosh.

My first one since that episode.

You just now got your confidence back.

Courage up.

Courage, that's the right word.

But I'm really anxious.

You feel jinxed by hearing those other stories. Oh, wow. Well, good luck to you.

Thank you. I'll report back.

If you come in in a diaper tomorrow, I guess we'll know how it went.

Oh, God.

Okay.

All right. Good night. Happy Halloween.

Hi,

Where are you?

I'm based in Madison, Wisconsin.

Oh my goodness. I don't think we've ever spoken with anyone from Madison.

I'm happy to be the first.

Is Madison the state capital?

It is, yes. It's fun to be from a state capital.

I think so. Oh, we all... Not wrong. I'm not from a state capital. Lansing's, our state capital.

Only me and you.

And does your Halloween story take place in Wisconsin?

It's in Wisconsin, just not in Madison. It was during college. I went to UW-Eau Claire.

Okay. Tell us what happened.

When I was in college, I was part of an organization that did some charity work for various places around town. And we had the opportunity on Halloween to staff a haunted forest that was kind of deep in the woods of Eau Claire. So I didn't really know what I was getting into, but it was a very exciting time. It was a very interesting experience. I went, and there was this big mansion kind of in the woods.

I want to go to a haunted forest. Me too. That sounds really fun. It's scary.

It's very festive. If you like, being spooked, it's a great place to go. They brought us in and they kind of gave us our stations, got us set up, and I was supposed to be on the trail somewhere. They set me up with clothing, like kind of the burlap and flannel and a mask, dark clothing.

I guess I stupidly assume, without any reason to think this, that when I'm at those places, these are people who love getting dressed up like goblins and scaring people. Normally, yes. That's what I would think. But then, talking to you, Allison, it's not a match with your just aura.

That's because this is for charity.

Well, you know, it's even crazier.

I'm not a horror person, but it was an interesting experience. I think the proceeds went to charity, which is why I kind of got pulled into it. But I think typically that's staffed by those folks who do that sort of thing. So anyways, they dragged us out and they put us along the trail and everyone's kind of in various spots. They told me to lay on the ground and kind of cover myself in leaves.

Big reset. If you've got to cover yourself back up with leaves after every time. I would have just gone to sleep. I already know. what I would have done in this situation is I would have done it a couple times and then just laid down because I'm too lazy.

To be fair, after a while, you know, I was not at the beginning of the trail. So people kind of get used to things jumping out and it loses the effect. So I wasn't really feeling it, but I was giving it my all. So at one point in the night, it was probably a couple of hours in, there was a group of college-age guys that come through and I'm laying there and kind of waiting for the right moment to just jump out and grab at them. And for some reason, when I jumped out at this group of guys, one guy must've gotten really freaked out and he just kicked me right in the ribs.

A person, yeah. Animatronic.

Yeah, exactly. So I just started moving and kind of moaning because I couldn't say anything. And he realized that I was actually a person and a female also. So I felt immediately bad, but I couldn't really say anything to him because I couldn't talk. And so I was just sort of wheezing, like, just go, just go, just go.

I got someone else to scare in a minute. Get out of here.

I gotta cover myself with these leaves.

It takes me 12 minutes to reset.

Exactly. So. he kind of carried on his merry way. I was pretty injured. I ended up having a bruise on my rib for probably about a month after that.

Oh, no.

I never went back. I will not do a haunted forest again.

Oh my God. Yeah, this is what I figured happens to some of these scaractors.

Scaractors? You didn't know that term the last time we argued about this. No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

I learned it at the-.

With David.

Yeah, with David.

I've never heard you say scaractors before.

We'll have to fact check it. Rewind the tape. Because I do know.

Okay, so Monica and I have varying feelings about this and hypotheses, right, about the scaractors? Yes.

They're only called that at Universal Horror Nights. They call their actors scaractors. And I get nervous for them because they do get punched and stuff, but it's also on them.

Well, it's a two-way street though, Allison, because I always think there's liability flying around in both directions. Like, if you own one of these, and let's say you got kicked, then you punch the guy back. If I got kicked in the ribs, I'm afraid to think I would have attacked.

You would have?

Yes, if some guy just kicked me in the ribs, I'd be like, they talked about-.

But you scared them.

No, no, and in fact, and I don't want to reframe this for you, because you seem to have a great-.

Attitude about it.

Yes, it's too late in the experience for someone to have that reaction. It's a bunch of dickhead college boys, and one of them's like, I'm gonna kick the next one that comes out because you feel justified, and you know you can say as an excuse I was scared.

I don't think these college guys want to say they're scared. I think he was scared.

No, no, no, you can say you're scared. Like, next time one of these guys pops up, I'm gonna fucking kick him. This is things boys would do. I'm gonna kick him, and then, when he raises shit, I'm gonna go, I got scared! This was like, guaranteed.

I was deep in there.

I just went through all these haunted houses. It's still scary at the end.

I still don't even think anyone's reaction to being scared is to kick. to begin with. I think it was premeditated. Well, she was on the ground!

I go back and forth. Because I couldn't talk to the guy, he seemed sufficiently sorry for it, but I kind of think he was probably just a drunk, frat guy who was being an ass.

And I think he was sorry once he realized it was a woman. Oh. Yeah. I think in his mind, he was gonna kick a random guy, and he could've lived with that just fine. Oh my God.

Or a machine and not feel bad about it, but it's still vandalism.

Yeah. Yes. Well, young boys like to vandalize. That's part of the problem. So you're on the fence.

I am. I think if push came to shove, I'd probably lean to the vandalism side of things. But I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

Okay, wow. Yeah. Again, it's just very late in the experience. Now, when you reported this to the management of the attraction, what was their reaction? Tough titties?

I didn't. I just kind of kept it to myself, and I kept on going for the rest of the night.

Oh, my God, you kept scaring?

It was for charity. Oh my God. There weren't damages to seek out, so I just kind of sucked it up, and it's a very Midwestern approach, probably, to just suck it up and go on with the night.

Did it alter how aggressively you were leaping at people and grabbing them? I imagine it would've toned down.

Yeah, I think my effort level decreased significantly for the rest of the night, and then I never went back after that.

Yeah, after that, I'd be like, ah. Like, when they walk by, I'd be like, ah. Hi, ah, hi, I'm coming, peace, ah.

Yeah, the moaning was real, I think. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Oh, Alison, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Has it ever crossed your mind to go into one of these haunted forests and just get even and kick some random just to pay it forward?

Knowing how much it hurts, no, no. Not in my nature. Well, and I tend to avoid them at all costs, because, like I said, I don't like being scared, so it was not the place for me.

Well, you live and you learn.

Well, I'm glad you made it out of that forest. This is as bad as it can go if you volunteer to help. For charity. I know. We're not even sure what the charity was, but it was for charity.

I know, I can't even remember, but the silver lining is that I get to share the story now.

Well, it's so lovely to meet you. Thank you for sharing that story, and I'm so sorry to hear you were kicked by a strange frat guy.

It's a real bummer. Thank you for having me.

Our pleasure.

Have a great day.

You too.

I keep thinking these are all gonna be me-cutes,

and that she's gonna end up with the guy that kicked her. Oh, I wish.

Every single one.

That would have been so cute. That should be another prompt, fell in love with an attacker.

A abuser. Yeah.

Tell us about the time you had Stockholm syndrome.

Hi.

Hi, how do I pronounce your name? Ines. Where are you at other than a sloped attic space like we are?

I'm in Sweden. Wow.

Are you Swedish?

No, actually I'm from Spain. Oh. Oh, my. I'm living in Sweden now, yeah.

We love international. Yes. Global listenership.

For sure, global listener here.

And what are you doing in Sweden? And is it getting dark at noon there now?

It's getting dark quite early now. And I'm working here, I'm a dancer.

You're a dancer, oh my God, wonderful. Have you heard our show in Spanish yet?

No, but I heard you guys talking about it.

and I wanna try. You'll have to report back, tell us.

Yeah, we wanna know.

Yeah, I'm curious.

So interesting, right out of the gates, I would say I don't even know that people in Spain celebrate Halloween. I'm just gonna own my ignorance.

No, that's completely right. Now, globalization, people are starting to like Americanize it, but my story takes place in the States.

Oh, great, okay.

Oh, you just pop all around. Yeah, a little bit. Bunny rabbit, hopping all around the globe.

Yeah, actually, I was living in Kentucky and we had just moved like two months ago. So we were really new. It was my first time living in an English speaking country. So I didn't really speak English and Halloween was coming around the corner, which was very exciting, because in all the movies, Halloween is such an American thing. As you said, Dag, not really a thing in Spain.

How old were you at this time?

10.. Okay. So like really prime age for the whole thing. So very exciting, but I didn't really have any friends yet. I didn't really speak English, but my mom, being a mom, she was on a mission and somehow she had a friend.

What were you?

I think I was a witch.

Classic, yeah.

I didn't know. people had like such elaborate, fun costumes, now I know.

No, witch is wonderful. That's a great, you can't go wrong with a witch.

That's true. So we get in the car on Halloween day. My mom's driving down to this girl. She lived like a neighborhood away from me, so not too far. And it was also exciting because we were 10, so we could kind of go by ourselves.

This must be her, one kid.

She's never met the girl. She's only met the mom. She knows she's my age, that she's blonde, and that her name's Alison. So she rolls down the window and she calls out, Alison. And the girl turns around and she's like, yeah.

Well, I was just gonna say,

probably 12% of the school was Alison, but continue.

Exactly, at that moment, we didn't know. So she just drops me off. She's like, off you go. She's like, well, I'll see you at Alison's house later. And I'm like, okay.

Oh, no. She just drives off.

Wow. And there we are. The girl, Alison, starts talking to me. I have no idea what she's saying, because I don't speak English really.

Oh, this is such a disaster.

But I'm like, okay, well, I'll figure it out. It'll be fun. We're kids, you know? Yeah.

And you think it's the right Alison at this point? Oh, of course.

There's like no doubt in my mind, because we don't have so many long blonde people named Alison in Spain, you know? So Alison takes me by her hand and we walk a few houses down and then we go into this house. It's madness. When I say a tornado of people inside there, it's a tornado of adults, kids, everybody dressed up. It was a massive party I'd come to.

Oh, fuck.

But I didn't know what was happening. And she just goes in the house, says something to me. No idea what she says. I'm now guessing she probably said something like, oh, this is the party. Whatever, we'll hold you here.

Oh, no.

Is my mom ever gonna find me? Should I leave? Should I stay? Do I contact an adult? Everyone's really dressed up.

Who should I trust? You gotta find a Spanish speaker.

Yes, in Kentucky.

Exactly. It's not like I'm in, you know, New York City. So I'm just standing there in complete shock. I don't know how much time passed evaluating every single person. This is so scary.

It was really scary.

I remember a man dressed like a pumpkin. I almost went up to him, but then it was just madness. So much noise. And all of a sudden I hear the door open. This crazy woman runs in, grabs me, pulls me out, puts me in the car, and I'm like, what just happened?

It was my mom.

Well, I got it. I got it.

Oh, you wanna guess?

So eventually, Allison's mother called her mom to say like, where are you guys? Allison's fixing to go trick or treating, and you're nowhere to be found. But she's like, I don't know what you mean. I already dropped her off with that. And then she went, oh fuck, that was the wrong Allison.

But how'd you find that house?

And then straight back, she's probably racing around the neighborhood. Let's find out. Quite close.

My mom drove to Allison's house, the real, I mean, this Allison was real, but our original Allison.

Well, we don't know. She could have been going as Allison. That was her character.

Allison Wonderland that night. Exactly, exactly. And so she was like, I'm just being her. Very method.

Who knows? Now it just adds a whole dimension to the story.

So your mom does carry on to Allison's house.

So she drove there. She walks in the door and sees Allison completely dressed up with her mom. She said she opened the door. She saw the girl. She closed the door and ran out.

And they're like, these Spanish people are so insane.

True. She drove back to the place in the street where she dropped me off. And then she went kind of house by house trying to find me walking up and down the street. And then she realized there was a party in that house. So she actually thought maybe there will be someone here that's seen the girl, so that'll help me find them.

After that start, for sure, that's necessary.

And it was a great experience. Ate more candy than I had ever dreamed of.

Were you just, I mean, not to pat ourselves on the back here, but I would imagine if I were 10 and I had never experienced Halloween and I went somewhere and I was like, this is America? Every house is handing out candy bars? I would think this is the most enchanted place in the world.

Oh, for sure. I was like, why don't we do this? Yeah.

How long did you guys stay there in Kentucky?

Four years.

And how did you end up assimilating? How long did it take you to learn English?

By the end of that year, I would say I was fluent because I was so young and you're just immersed. You don't really have a choice. And, as you said, I was in Kentucky. So my dad, for example, he spoke British English. He was the only one in the family that really spoke English.

Oh, I'm sure, yeah.

We all had to adapt.

So you stayed there until eighth grade? Yeah, exactly. And did you have a boyfriend? Did boys like you? Were you an outcast?

I think people were a little bit charmed, but I was always dancing, so no boyfriend.

Ballet?

Yeah, at the time, mostly ballet. Now I do other sorts of dance.

Well, you're also very beautiful, so I'm sure lots of boys liked you. Oh, thank you.

I have to say, Monica, you are so much cuter than in the pictures.

Oh, I know.

The pictures are not great. That came out wrong.

You look wonderful in the pictures. No, no, no, no.

I appreciate it. I take it as a compliment, because I agree and thank you.

Let's go back to Kentucky in eighth grade, though. So we're kind of fascinated with ballet dancers, because it's kind of masochistic. It's very brutal. It's very masochistic. Right?

It's hard to tell what part of me is really my personality and what part of me is my personality because I've done ballet my whole life, because I am very much a perfectionist. I'm very disciplined.

Yes.

But then I'm like, would I have been that way if I hadn't done ballet? So I don't know.

Chicken or the egg? What kind of dance do you do now?

I do a lot of mostly contemporary dance, but all sorts of dance. And I'm also a circus artist now. Wow.

You are? Okay, so have you seen Cirque du Soleil here ever? Yeah. Is it that vibe?

Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm more impressed by any humans on planet Earth than the performers of Cirque du Soleil.

Yeah, agreed. Me as well.

It's mind blowing. We went last year and I'm just like, I don't know the physics of this. This is-.

And so brave.

And so hot too. I'll throw it out there. It's the best of what humans can be, really, physically. Well, it's okay.

Best is-.

Well, it's in the eye of the beholder. We'll cut that.

This was great. What a story. Also so scary. As a kid in a new country lost.

Yeah, I learned how Halloween in America is definitely scary. And also that everyone's name can be Allison. Yes.

By the way, I have many memories and I would go up to a door and you'd see parents in there. kind of partying. People would be hammered on Halloween. You'd see like drunk adults in costume, and it was always just a little scary.

Unnerving.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that house party had a lot of drunk adults. I didn't realize it then, but I'm pretty sure.

I remember one time we were trick-or-treating way too old. I was in high school, like ninth grade. And we knocked at the door, me and my buddy, and this guy opened, he's like, fuck, I don't know whether to give you some candy or a beer. Which one do you want? Oh, wow.

Everyone gave me candy all four years.

that I was in Kentucky.

Oh, well, so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for telling us that story.

And if either of the Allison's are listening, reach out.

Yeah, we would love to hear from your perspective.

Especially the second Allison. I would love to know what she was thinking.

Yes, exactly. All right, this was great.

Thank you. So nice to meet you.

Great, thank you guys.

That reminds me of a time I got lost in the Burlington Coat Factory.

Oh my God, hold on a second. In the storefront, not at the actual factory where they make the Burlington Coat.

No, at the store.

Okay.

Yeah, we were coat shopping and I got lost.

How old, 13?.

19.. No, I was probably like eight or something.

Okay, you lost your mom.

It was traumatizing, yeah. And there were so many coats.

Yeah, it's a maze of coats.

Yes, and I was like, where is she?

I love that place.

I hate it.

Hi, Joseph. This is a beautiful wall behind you.

Are you in New York City? I'm in Chicago. Yeah, no, some people think it's fake, but no, it's real, it's all tangible.

It's gorgeous.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah, are you an architect or something? What's happening?

No, no, not at all. I run a super teeny, tiny tech business. It's super nerdy. Okay.

It's a little new.

How are you guys? Great.

So good, we're having a lot of fun and it's getting us really excited for Halloween. Are you a big fan of Halloween? Just before we even hear your story, what's your feelings?

Yeah, and this is actually part of the story. I'm a gay man, so Halloween is kind of like the gay Christmas.

Oh, elaborate on that.

People can just dress up and be themselves, and it's just fun.

Have you ever been to Halloween in West Hollywood?

No.

Oh, it's the event of the whole year in LA.

It's really fun.

Yes, it's outrageously fun.

Yeah, but I feel like when you get some of those really gay Halloween events, you get people and they just wear a cowboy hat and they're like, I'm a sexy cowboy and then that's it. So you have to be super ripped for that. So this isn't gonna really work out.

Look, I'm not gonna tell you there's not a ton of sexy cowboys, which I love, of course, but there's room for everyone. We got all kinds of costumes happening.

Yeah, people have a broom. They're like, I'm a sexy shirtless witch.

Yes. I would say it's like a sliver of Burning Man. People really go all out on the costumes. People spend like a year planning. Okay, tell us about your crazy Halloween story.

Yeah, I have to kind of apologize because you've had some pretty gross stories lately with the service industry one.

Oh yeah, I know. To be fair, we said do not listen. We did.

We were very up front about that.

No, I loved it. I loved it. I think it's great.

But what you're pointing out is, yes, the show is circling the drain. We keep getting grosser. But weirdly, I noticed on this last one, like we've hit something. People are, they're engaged.

Yeah.

I feel like, you know, if you put the disclaimer saying don't listen to this, like people are in. The last one, it was like, this is a class story and I'm just like hanging onto it. I'm like, I can't wait. And it didn't disappoint. So I feel like this could be up there with kind of, you know, the leaky leg in the service.

Oh, thank God.

The dander.

Hey, I'm ready. The others have been tame.

So I'm sorry if this warrants a disclaimer at the beginning of your podcast, but yeah, here we go.

This explains why you're using a code name, by the way. Oh, I didn't know.

100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, great.

Yeah, because you know, I didn't want to embarrass any other people involved. You know, so I think it's important to kind of think of this as like a very, very closeted gay man over 20 years ago in conservative Ohio. So I was at a state school in Ohio and there was this one girl in my economics class that I would see super, super pretty. Let's call her Becky. Very shy, but beautiful and always had such good comments in class.

Ooh, this is a side of her. we weren't expecting, right? If she's shy.

Totally, yeah. Yeah, exciting. It's at a college bar. It's like cheap beer and super sugary cocktails. So we continue hanging out and she's like, do you want to go back to my dorm?

Can I pause you there for half a second?

Please.

So you already said you're not out at that point.

No, I was extreme, like paranoid closeted. You know, your listeners can't see this, but I talk with my hands. I mean, it was so close to the point I wouldn't even do this because it would be a tell.

Okay, so did you not know to not get yourself in situations where you were back at a girl's dorm room, or were you nervous about that at all? Like she's going to expect something.

Yes and no. For me personally, you kind of go through things, because that's the things that all your friends are doing.

Yes, the quote normal thing to do.

Yeah, and at that point I'm like, maybe the whole gay thing is just a physical thing. I mean, I didn't even hold a guy's hand until after college. So it was also new and confusing. And again, like being part of that area of the country. So yeah, you kind of do the things that you're just kind of expected to do.

It would be just as dangerous to not accept that offer in your mind. Yeah, you're probably like, I should. That would be a big red flag.

Yeah, exactly. And I think that there's also so much paranoia too that I didn't go home with this girl. So now everyone's going to know I'm gay.

It's so, I imagine, exhausting.

It is so exhausting, but you know, I feel like things have obviously changed so much. So we get back to her place and she becomes fairly, fairly aggressive. So she like rips off the Wonder Woman outfit.

This is wasted on you. I can't imagine being in this situation. Sign me up, Wonder Woman disrobing.

And I was nervous too, but you know, I had a method during college and that was when, like Colin Farrell, was the hottest dude on the planet.

Yeah, still is.

Right, exactly. So it was always. close your eyes, pretend she's Colin Farrell.

Oh, good hack.

Yeah, it was a perfect hack.

where it's just super, super intense.

Smashing like my big old gay noggin between her breasts.

It makes me really quick not to interrupt you, but it does remind me of our friend Jess. He was at a, I think, a bachelor party. He's very openly gay and the stripper rubbed her boobs on his face. And he's like, honestly, it felt like someone's ears on my face. He compares it to someone rubbing their ears on his face.

He also always says, I would eat around it.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, it's like boobs and like boobs and stereos around, right? That's like the best way to kind of think of it. Everywhere that was going on, like, you know, Gobi's surrounded in areola form.

Yeah, she's shy. Remember who we're talking about here.

That's why it's so hot. To me is that she's so shy in class and she has this tiger center.

Becky, the Wonder Woman.

Alter ego.

Halloween brings it out in people.

Yeah. So she goes to the bathroom for two minutes and I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I didn't hear any flush. Uh-oh. So I'm like, you know, maybe she was a little bit gassy.

Sure. That happens.

I'm confused and I'm nervous.

I'm so sorry. What costume are you wearing? I think that's really important.

I wasn't wearing anything. That's the lamest thing.

Oh, wow.

I was dressed as a straight man.

Okay, you were always in costume as a straight man.

Well, I bet he was afraid. if he dressed up. Whatever you picked, people would be like, oh, you're gay. You picked the gay costume.

You picked Iron Man.

Can you imagine if I was dressed as someone from the village, people or something?

Right, right.

That would have been amazing.

The construction worker in the vest.

Okay, so she's in there.

Yeah, so she came out of the bathroom, lays back down on her bed and she pushes my head down there.

Okay.

She's sexually assaulting you at this point.

You have no consent.

It was a lot going on. Yeah. And then, all of a sudden, I can't think of a better way than her vagina burped. Oh.

Okay, sure.

Like a queef. It's a queef.

No. Oh.

Not so fast.

All of this gel comes out of her vagina.

Oh, she was lubing up?

I don't know if it was lube or spermicide. Oh. I felt like the spermicide thing was something more in the 70s. I don't know. It's a mystery to this day.

Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed for her.

So embarrassed for her. Oh. And then my immediate reaction, and I think it was a mix of the sugary drinks. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Of course, of course.

The spermicide slash lube.

The vagina.

Right, exactly.

It burped Purell on you, basically.

It burped Purell on me. That's a really great way to say it. The second that that happened, without thinking, I threw up.

Yes, yes.

Oh, my God.

On her vagina.

Monica, not on her vagina, inside her vagina.

No. No, no, no.

Not on her vagina, inside her vagina.

No, oh, my, this is, oh.

Awful. This is such a disaster. It was all so quick, and like, it was everywhere. There were definitely like chunks between the Menorah and the Majora. Ah, ah, oh my God.

I feel so embarrassed for everyone.

A lot of victims in the room.

Yeah, so in the moment, it was just like, automatic clean up, like, hey, are you okay?

Yeah, who feels worse? She knows that she shot that on you, right?

Oh, absolutely, yeah. But I still don't know what it is.

Right, we'll never find out, unfortunately. So you're both profusely apologizing to each other?

Yeah, yeah, because, like, I felt terrible. I think she was just apologetic of the situation. So there was kind of the immediate clean up. I went home, but then, like after that, I was paranoid for such a long time. Are people gonna find out?

I mean, that is like a cliche.

Cliche, yeah.

Touche.

So that's it.

What was the vibe back in class with her? Did you guys, like, ever, hang again? Did you talk about it?

We never talked about it. We were in the same class for the rest of the semester. We would see each other out and about and we're friendly, but at the end of the day, I think it was two super awkward people that weren't used to doing that. Cause I think she was probably trying to do the things that she thought was sexy. And like, here I am again, pretending this was Colin Farrell.

Yeah, I got on, she went into the bathroom. The reason she was gone so long, obviously it didn't take her two minutes to put that spermicide in herself. She was looking at a tube and she's like, how much am I supposed to use of this? She was probably reading the back of it and she probably put way too much in.

That was the thing, yeah.

In the putting of all that in there, some air got trapped in there and it was just a packed cannon. at that point. It was like a musket.

Oh my God. It was like the poppet things and like confetti would go everywhere.

Yeah, New Year's Eve.

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

I mean, you said burped, but really it also threw up. The vagina threw up and then you threw up back.

And you thought throw up would throw up.

The result of that, you just have like the most disgusting, heinous mixture of liquids. But again, like it was on slash in her, so she got the worst end of that.

How long before you left the scene?

I don't clearly remember. I remember being very quick. It left in a very nice and kind way, but it was just one of those things where I think both of us maybe had someone spoken, true. so we'll never talk about this moment ever again.

I hope she found out eventually that you are gay, because if that happened to me, I would feel like I can never show my vagina to anyone else ever.

But wait, hold on. You don't think she would naturally attribute it to the burp and the Purell everywhere?

You should do that. That's what happened, but you won't.

You're gonna hate this. I just want to warn you, you're gonna hate this. If I had been in that exact same situation, it wouldn't have slowed me down a bit. I mean, I'm telling you the truth. It would have taken so much more than that.

Yeah, let's do it. Let's go.

Yeah, let's just sweep this under the rug.

But it got in your mouth. There's a chance. it just didn't sit well.

He was already in a rough situation.

Yeah, so I think that's actually a big part of it, though, because I think, yeah, if things were different, I'd have been like, okay, not a big deal. But in this instance, this is just too much, and then everything, I couldn't. And the thing is, I'm not a throw up type of person. Probably 10 times in my life.

If you've only thrown up 10 times in your life, we can conclude that 10% of the time you throw up, it's in a vagina.

I would say 80%. No, just kidding.

They got clarified.

Oh, good. A lot of healing has happened in the last two decades. Well, it's so nice to meet you.

Thank you guys so much for having me on. This has been an absolute pleasure.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween, yeah.

No repeat story promises.

All right, take care. Bye-bye.

Can you guys hear me? Yes.

Oh, beautifully. You sound fantastic.

I don't even know what to say. This is fantastic. I can't believe it.

Listen, it looks like you're on the poster of Garden State almost, right? The wallpaper and the chair, it's incredible. What's happening? Are you a vampire? You know what?

I actually am. I just woke up for this. The sun's coming down here in Oklahoma. Actually, my dad has a hearing aid practice and I'm in his testing room. Oh, wow.

Okay, so is it like dead quiet in there normally?

Oh yeah, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears.

Oh, okay, so, Logan, you're in Oklahoma. Is that where this Halloween story took place?

Yes, so this actually took place here in Tulsa, Oklahoma, last year. Oh. So, my wife and I got married last August, and so last year, after we got married, we wanted to do a couple's costume. and, Monica, we love Harry Potter too. It's one of the things that we bonded over.

Wow, great pairing.

I know, right? Sometimes I think she thinks I'm a Slytherin, but that's kind of up for debate. We went online, I found a couple of really good robes, and we wanted to hold onto them for a few years, because she really wants to go to Harry Potter World as her graduation gift next year when she's done with school. So we thought, perfect, we'll get a couple of good ones. What's important about this, though, is that, even though we kind of found some better ones, the only ones we could find were made out of polyester.

Okay.

So we get over there and I find out that this dish is called, I'm probably gonna butcher this. It's a Portuguese dish called chorizo bombero. I guess translates to sausage cooked on fire. And what it looks like is there's this ceramic dish that has a reservoir in the bottom of it that you pour ever clear into and you light it on fire.

Oh, wow.

I get there in time with him that they're pulling the first sausage off and it was really good. You know, he's slicing it up. He's handing me some bites of it. I'm having some more. So we're standing right there and his wife goes to put the next sausage on and.

Ah!

We caught you.

I kinda wanted to do it slowly. I didn't wanna draw attention to the Ted Seegers.

I gotta tell the audience that Logan just took a big swig of Ted Seegers. How good is that NA beer?

It's fantastic. This is my last one of the case. I'm gonna have to order more. We got more coming end of the month. Perfect.

Okay, perfect.

So I don't know if you've ever burned ever clear or any other type of grain alcohol before, but when it gets down to the bottom part, the flames are actually invisible. So it creates the illusion that there's no more fire.

Uh-oh.

At this point, his wife then thinks that we need to light another fire. And so she grabs the bottle of ever clear.

Uh-oh.

Starts, pouring it in the reservoir and it explodes. Oh.

Oh God.

Fire three feet up in the air. It went out both ends of the reservoir.

Oh, no.

It just happened so fast. I throw my hands up, and what it really felt like was, you know, when you open an oven really fast and it's like on broil and you just feel the heat coming out?

Yeah.

I'm just kind of in shock and I see my parent's neighbor and his wig is on fire.

Oh. Okay, bam bam?

Bam bam's on fire. Okay.

Not ideal.

No, not ideal at all, especially in those shoes.

You can't run very well. No, no, no.

I then notice that nobody's watching him. They're all staring at me. Oh shit, I'm on fire. Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh Jesus.

My robe had completely gone up in flames. I mean everything, I've got the polyester tie that came with the costume. It's on fire.

No, oh my God. That was dangerous.

Thankfully my kindergarten training kicked in and I remembered to stop, drop and roll. Yes. And I can't take all the credit for that. Someone was yelling at him to fall down as he was running in the backyard. And so I heard it, and so I remembered to stop, drop and roll around.

Are you just in a pair of panties at this point?

Oh, no, thankfully I've still got pants on.

Okay, great, great, great, great.

Those didn't catch on fire. The robe and shirt, completely toast. I never even saw the robe again. They threw it away before I could even see it. I don't think there was much left.

Someone could have just done a spell.

You know, I was the only one with the wand.

Oh, fuck, yeah, that's on you.

I know, I know. I should have at least made sure that my wife had one too. Because then, you know, she could have used the aguamente to get me out and we would have been fine.

Aguamente, boom guys.

Amazing. I'm assessing the damage and it didn't really start hurting until I could see what it looked like. And I have pictures. if you want to see, I know Dax, you may be interested.

Of course I am.

The entire bottom right side of my face and both of my hands were just completely burned. So whenever I had thrown my hands up like this, I guess I missed this part. Oh. And so it just went right here and got both of my hands.

Oh my God. Let me add, you have enormous hands. I just want to congratulate you on how fucking big your hands are.

I think that's actually an illusion. Oh, okay. It's closer to the camera. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Oh, no.

Oh, my Lord, son.

Wow. That looks so painful.

So that was my face.

And those were my hands.

Oh, my gosh.