David Oyelowo

I don't know why you always laugh at the intro.

What? thank you? come on, I love you, thank you.

I love you, I love you too, but you know, there's nicer things to say. I'm not sure there are. It's a wonderful day out there. You know, you guys are always telling me, Oh, don't think first about what to say, Conan.

Just start talking and then I do, and you say, I got nothing. But the weather is like lowest common denominator. But it's also fun when you don't have anything because we get to pounce on you.

Yeah, okay, that's good because it's also so against. You're such a preparer, you like being prepared for things.

Yes, I do, and so this, I think, takes you outside your comfort zone, and I like that me too. Well, I was walking down the street.

Okay, this is boring.

It's nice, I enjoy this neighborhood a lot, I do, too, a lot of young people, and they shout at me out their windows, which is nice.

Yeah, and it just kind of makes me feel like, hey, I'm living in a nice little world where people shout out their windows at me. It's usually, you know, drop dead, or, oh, okay, yeah.

Do you walk murderer? I get murderer a lot. Do you walk so people will recognize you?

I'm wearing a shirt that says, I am Conan O'Brien and there's an arrow going up to my head. You have one of those like Statue of Liberty tax boards that you just twirl around. that says Conan. On it, I'm a sign flipper.

Yeah, I'm a sign flipper spinner, that's right. Did a remote.

You know, I have a lot of remotes out there and over the years people have said, Oh, I really like the remotes. You do. Not. All of them made it, oh yeah, to public viewership.

Oh, this one didn't. Yeah, we did a sign spinning remote. See, look, we found something. Don't get excited yet.

But I'm going to call him out. Matt O'Brien, one of our writers, I think, was on this remote and he said, Oh, this will be great. We got some sign spinners and he had us shoot it in an empty back lot at Warner Brothers. And I immediately sensed this is a comedy vacuum. Nothing.

There's no one to bounce off of here. There's like a sign spinning guy, but he's just pretty serious about it. He occasionally made puns about sign spinning. And I couldn't do it and the remote was going nowhere, and then I looked up and I saw vultures circling.

Oh no, why didn't you guys do it? On the street corner, there's a kind of vulture that circles when it knows a remote is going down. And if you're in my line of business, it strikes terror in your heart.

Exactly why weren't we out in the world? We were on the back lot, so I started just saying things into the lens. Sometimes I think about the writers watching this later in the edit room.

So I say little things like you did this to me, I'll get you. I'm talking into the future. I know this remote will not get made.

I know that this is all going down in flames, so I just start saying, having a good time editing this isn't going to make it. I'm literally talking to the writers two days from now, who are going to be looking at the footage. Oh, no.

And so I remember that one, there was that one, and then there was another remote where one of the writers thought. It'd be really funny if I hooked up with those people that have those shows where they claim they see the paranormal, and they took me through an empty studio again, there's a common denominator here no other people, open space or enclosed space with nothing in it.

And then the person kept saying, I think I maybe see a ghost, but I'm not sure. And me going, like, trying to make something happen, saying, Oh, I'm not sure, huh? Well, echo, echo, echo, Echo. It just didn't go anywhere. Those are two.

I wake up at night sometimes thinking about sign spinning remote and ghost hunting remote, and I just covered in sweat. Those are the ones that got away, those are the ones no, those are the ones that never were there.

I see there was nothing, they didn't get away, there was nothing there to catch in the first place, you know?

Sign spinning seems fun. Now you're implying I failed, I don't know. I feel like it sounds to me like it was all there, No.

And just, you know, you probably just didn't pull your weight.

There's puns, there's signs that are spinning. What was he dressed like? was he dressed like Uncle Sam? No, just a normal guy.

I think he was just, there's a back line, he was just doing it. This is your third uncle Sam.

You got to dress like Uncle Sam. No, I didn't say Uncle Sam. you said, Uncle Sam, I know I did, and then you said, This is your third uncle Sam.

I know so that's a totally that is such a shitty. You keep mentioning, you keep mentioning scuba diving, No.

And then I'm like, let me explain, hold on, what? Yeah, yeah.

Scuba diving, scuba diving. What did you say? repeat after me? scuba diving?

Okay, scuba diving, ha?

Even worse, you sit there with the patient and you keep saying things, I'm excited, you keep saying things also, the thing is.

This is, this is Matt, this is Matt. What I'm talking about hasn't even come out yet, I know.

Oh, no, no, there's nine reasons why what you just did is a shit show, but I'm just picturing you as the therapist. But this easter egg is going to pay off for people when they listen to Summer S'mores. And then I will be vindicated and riding high. You know what I love? You're a podcast expert.

I think of those things, what order is it? What's been said? I'm going to contain it to this episode. You're just always shooting off your mouth, left and right.

That's because I know the listeners with us and I know they can do a memento like Time Jump, Back and forth. This is just a prequel. OK, this is my impression. MATt Gorley, therapist So Conan, I'd like to talk to you.

Bowl of corn, bowl of corn, bowl of corn, excuse me, Dr. Gorley.

What are you saying? Bowl of corn, bowl of corn, Dr. Gorley?

Why am I a therapist? Dr. Gorley, Why do you keep saying bowl of corn? Conan? You seem obsessed with bowl of corn?

Did your father molest you with a bowl of corn as a child? No, you said it nine times. Well, that's it for my impression of Matt Gorley. This is Conan O'Brien, therapist.

Therapist Matt, Why do you keep mentioning therapist? Ah, the old switcheroo? Oh, you know, that lingo in comedy good for you.

Thank God he's on you. Incredible. What happened, go back to him. Why are you?...?

Oh, she really took you down, you got to get her. I am the T-rex in Jurassic Park. Yes, if I see slight movement, I go to it. And you just stepped out of an outhouse.

Yeah, I know, and you know what? When the glass starts to wiggle, it doesn't wiggle, it makes little, concentric circles of movement.

Don't say concentric, we get it, you know, words, but it does the thing. Oh my God.

It ripples, it ripples. Yeah, concentric. Is that a word?

Yeah, yeah, actually. My formal name is Concentric O'Brien. We just shortened it to Kona.

Anyway, my father's a geometry fan. I was trying to say, when you come to the studio, the glasses, that's true. Oh, that's right.

You just see it ripple, and then you two jump in the back of an open jeep and try to escape. Do you remember when Jeff Goldblum was on the podcast? And he left holding a big flare just to get you out of the building? You guys don't really know you're Jurassic Park.

And remember when Jeff Goldblum left with a big flare? You guys don't know the reference? Wait, I know the reference. I saw the look in your eyes.

I wasn't laughing, but I know the reference. I saw you smelling blood and I just wanted out. I just wanted out. Okay, here's a new one.

You're so scared of me, I know. MATT GorLEY, Stand-up comic Hey everybody, welcome to the show.

Yeah, the other day, Hobo asked me for a bite to eat, so I bit him. You guys don't get it, you don't like it.

Why'd the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? Why do people hate me? I don't know why they don't like it, it's because he actually crossed the road. That's not the reason why.

Well, I've demolished you both. Time to introduce our guest. Our guest still wants to be part of this, my guest today. Starred in such movies as Selma Lincoln and The Butler. He deserves better than this dumb intro.

Oh, I thought you were laughing because these are the most serious movie titles.

Selma Ha ha ha ha Lincoln, ha ha ha. The Butler.

That's what it sounds like, I know, but I'm laughing because he's such a serious, good actor. And we're idiots and I don't know what we're doing. I think you two are idiots and I portray an idiot, that's the way I look at it.

I'm a great Thespian who portrays an idiot anyway. You can now see him in the Paramount Plus series. Lawmen Bass Reeves. He is one of the finest actors living. I'm excited he's here today.

Again, unless he's left.

David Oyelowo.

You've been on the show several times. Yes, on the late night show. Yeah, I remember the first time you came on, I was a bit intimidated.

Oh, I'm being honest, because you're such a superb actor and you have such great acting chops. And I just thought, This is a very serious man and I need to....

But I?

And then you came out and you were immediately just so hilarious and charming that....

I always find it angers me somewhat because I think, how can you have both? All I've got is I think I'm kind of funny and then that's my excuse for not being able to act. My way out of a paper bag. And here you are, Shakespearean accomplished actor, and you're one of the funnier people I've talked to.

But no, you have a certain presence and gravitas to you.

No, no jump in right on that.

Something you had nothing to do with. You're tall and not unwomanlike, yes.

And you're playing it.

Where is the production going to be done?

Did you see what's in the paper yesterday?

You can make it up, actually, not with much success. But I found the words went out of my, and I found myself saying Sheeps and goats.

What role is this? I? Literally, it's Antony and Cleopatra and Sheeps and Goats is not something that gives your acting partner anywhere to go.

And the blank expression came back, And you know what was so awful that I did? I just exited the stage.

And he's there every night, just heckling and some sheeps and goats and some sheep. Yeah, but to just to be there and to shout sheeps and goats, and then turn on your heels and stride out.

What his ghost must have been looking like at that point and going bloody actors.

This Conan O'Brien.

We would start at 10.

30 in the morning and finish at 10.

30 at night. Now, my dad, he's no longer with us, but when he was with us, he was someone who quite easily would fall asleep. In the middle of a three minute duologue between actors, you gave him a warm room, a nice, comfy seat, and he's out. So my wife was sat next to him on this Saturday, where he was there to watch. All 12 hours of Henry VI part one, two and three.

She was armed with mints her shoulder to jab him in the ribs. The whole thing, he stayed awake for the entire thing, and he came on the night that then. Prince Charles also came for all the performances. So you're talking about a man who came to the UK in the 60s, dealt with unbelievable racism. The notion of any Black person playing the King of England was so impossible.

And I remember him coming to the stage door afterwards. And the phrase he said to me is, I cannot believe they allowed a Black man to play the King of England. And it is my son. And that was the moment, that was the turning point.

And that's the point beyond which he became my number one fan until his passing. It was a truly beautiful thing.

And I could always tell when he had a passenger in the car because he would go, David, are you doing that movie with Tom Cruise?

And I would go.

I would go, Daddy, who's in the car? nobody's in the car.

Have you met Steven Spielberg?

I am not making this up, I am not making this up. The worst and the background.

The one that I will never forget is when he, when he goes. David, Where is it you live in? L.A. Is it Beverly Hills? And I said, Sherman Oaks, Yes, that is it.

Beverly Hills, I was like.

OK, sorry, whoever's in the car.

But Blair Underwood played this very snazzy lawyer.

A law and unbeknownst. To me, the conflation of the two things was why I was so gravitated towards that show. Because I was like, gosh, I just love TV, I love films.

I love the whole idea of storytelling, but my dad wants me to be a lawyer and that guy is both, you know? And so I went as far as applying to law school, the whole thing.

I mean, obviously these are reruns because you're way too young, but you know, why is that show grabbing you?

And many years later, because, you know, obviously he was in this with Ron Howard and Bryce Dallas. Howard is a good friend of mine. I was at her wedding, I met Henry Winkler. I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm meeting the Fonz, and I said, Oh. It was so hard for me because I would always try to imitate the hair, the comb going through my hair.

And he went, Ah, I only ever hold it up, I never put it through my hair, he never does put it through, and I went, Oh my gosh.

Incredibly strict, yeah, and when I talk about it, especially in a Western context. Because you will get lashed if you. If you did naughty things, and I was a very naughty boy, yeah, but yeah, it was, it was, it was pretty, it was pretty intense.

But I was the kid who, you know, I remember for a dare. I this is so stupid. I for a dare. I went in to steal something out of the headmaster's fridge. I got into his house. And I'll never forget the silhouette of this guy in the door looking at me with I'm in his fridge. I didn't want anything out of his fridge, I just did it for, you know.

Right, browning points. But it was. And he had one of those voices, you know, those people who you can barely hear what they're actually saying because they are talking like this.

I was just like, and so all I heard was, and it's all I heard. But I spent the next term washing toilets and it was. And our uniforms were white, which is not not the best uniform for doing that job.

Was wearing it shows thank you. I went to a camp where every it was like a camp in every other way, except there was a stripe down the side of my pants, right, right.

And yet when you're telling your story, I'm like, I've been there, man, I remember roasting a marshmallow. Wow and wow.

There was a stripe down my pants. So don't complain to me about your military academy.

There's so much to talk about in your film work. But I remember when you came on my Late night program for Selma for your brilliant portrayal of Martin Luther King Jr. And and and I remember we were talking about it and then realizing later on that. You had been kind of method when you did that role, meaning that you really wanted to inhabit, which you did so brilliantly. And I think there's no more difficult task if you're talking about you playing these Shakespearean figures. If you're playing someone from distant history, you can interpret, but when you're playing someone who lived concurrently with our times, died in 1968. And there's all this footage. You need to create your interpretation, but it can't. It also needs to ring true. You really felt like you had to inhabit him all the time and be in character.

How long did you do that for?

So if I'm having to convince the crew, the extras, my fellow actors, moment to moment, that's too many things. It's already, you know, the margins for error are already what they are. So the way to take that out of the equation, I think, is for people to by and large just go. Oh, that's not Dr. King, but that's David's version of Dr. King moving around the set.

So it's not and roll camera action, and it's like a switch. It's too much to kind of be constantly.

I was like, Dude, please don't. that really is doesn't help me at all. You're lovely and I love you. please leave.

He was lactose intolerant.

And so if I'm being all the time, then hopefully that's what the camera's catching.

Time out.

You know, I, I had, you know, I wasn't in the shape I I normally pride myself on being in. And, uh, the day that this thing wrapped, she came up to me, jiggled my man boobs and said, So what are we doing? what are we doing?

There's no way for me to go. It's like, I'm gonna play Conan in the Conan story.

So my wife will watch me watching it in order to spend time with me on a Saturday, and she was like, I'm so tense watching this. Why are you so calm, relaxed? And I realized what it is is, you know, in what I do, because I produce movies and TV shows as well. It is so hard to get anything made, it is so hard to get to the point of a result.

Two men or two women go in this cage, they have three, five minute rounds. Someone will win, someone will get a result out of this endeavor, it will be on the base.

You're looking at me like, I'm crazy.

And as an actor, you don't know what the reviews are gonna be, you don't know what the box office is gonna be, you don't know if the film is ever gonna come out. There's something so satisfying that within those 15 minutes, if it's a three minute, if it's three rounds, or 25 minutes if it's five rounds, you will have a result. That just puts me in such a zen place.

It's bizarre, but that's how I relax.

I'm always trying to color outside of the lines, I'm always trying to give context to hitherto unseen, unknown characters, stories. My mantra is, How do we normalize the marginalized? And in an industry that is so fear-based? So constantly looking for a comp or what has come before and you're trying to do something that is, you know, hopefully, groundbreaking. It's just you spend your days in a state of wanting to bash your head against the wall quite a lot of the time.

So this is my-.

I would enter like with Jeff Ross or Surrogate, or Jordan Slansky, right, and they would beat on that person, Oh, right.

And then I would, if they, for some reason, won, I would take the credit for it.

And there is a lot of fear. You know, it's Can it be a superhero? basically? Yeah, the story that you want to tell, Can we make it a superhero? And this series that you made? Lawmen The Bass Reeves, about Bass Reeves, is a great story. And you're depicting a real person who I can't imagine, a character who's more marginalized than this character.

This is a story you've been trying to tell for a long time.

And I never saw anyone who looked like me in them, but I still wanted to be a cowboy. I didn't even realize that there was an image I was missing. In terms of, you know, me as a Black person, in relation to that beloved genre and that incredible history in America specifically. So in 2014, when I found out who Bass Reeves was. And it felt like a story that kind of writes itself, in a sense, in terms of his achievements. Like you say, born into enslavement ends up escaping enslavement by beating his master nearly to death, and then living with Native Americans for a time. Which is where he accrued the skills he used when he was deployed as a deputy U.S. marshal. And went on to have a 32 year career. At the most dangerous time, in the most dangerous place in America's history. And the only reason we have him is because of the reconstruction era. That came directly after the Civil War, where Black people were given the kind of agency that they had never had before.

And that's what enabled him to sort of have the kind of rise whereby. Can you imagine the whiplash of being enslaved and being treated so poorly by white people? And suddenly you are empowered to arrest those a lot of who were disgruntled, because you are now no longer a slave, but someone who has agency.

I don't understand why, because when you hear about the story and I then went and looked up Bass Reeves, you think, why did this take eight years? This is a fantastic story.

Something that is very much alive and well for the marginalized in any society nowadays if you wanna get ahead, especially here in America. But that was what was such a gift to play as an actor, because he was always incredible. It was an opportunity that came along that he seized, that allowed him to be the totality of who he could be and who he was. And that was afforded in this country in the 1860s. And the thing that I am.-.

I play a Tuskegee airman in red tails as well. I was a preacher in the help. And then you have with Bass Reeves, you know, the 1860s. So yeah, it's this sort of 150 160 period in America's formative history that I've been blessed to tell some of those stories.

That period has not been mined enough. It's actually a shameful period in America's history. Because it was the opportunity to deliver on the promise of what America wanted or said it wants to be. And then the reneging on that was so extreme, with Jim Crow coming in. And anyone who was marginalized, whether it be sharecropping or lynching, or all the way through to the civil rights movement, was the next time. There was any kind of push towards the kind of agency and justice that was promised by Lincoln? And so it is the moment that birthed Tulsa and that awful situation. But there are African-Americans who did extraordinary things in those 12 to 13 years, which I'm just so desirous that we get to see more of that. Because in many ways, it is a celebration of what America is, could be, should be.

And that's why I love doing these historical films, because we are so quick to forget. I mean, the moment that we're in in Hollywood right now is a pendulum swing from the Black Lives Matter movement, the Me too movement. These moments very recently, where there were huge gains made that are now being clawed back. Because we just refuse to learn from history and build on the knowledge accrued. Which is why, for me, storytelling is not just about entertainment, it's about holding culture and our communal community accountable.

And the pendulum will swing, it'll go right, it'll go left, we just have to keep nudging it along. And absolutely.

That's what Queen of Katwe was, that's what a United Kingdom was. That's certainly, you know, the work I'm most proud of. I think that's an element of it because I agree with you. That's part of how we be better is to know more.

Certainly not in films that were universally acclaimed, like in the Heat of the Night as well, which is just a formative piece of cinema for me. But then also just seeing Daniel Day-Lewis in my left foot and just thinking. I simply do not understand how it is possible for an actor to achieve that level of embodiment. When I found out, he was able-bodied, when I found, when I heard him speak, and he was so opposite to that. It was the moment I determined that as an actor, the thing I want to aspire to be the most is chameleonic. Someone who you role to role, you're going, which way is he going to go next? Because that's what I love about Daniel Day-Lewis.

That's what I love about Christian Bale, that's what I love about. What I get to do is I have no interest in playing some kind of version of myself, I always want to go to the character.

And what we do? What I am so privileged to do, is you're constantly in the pursuit of trying to capture lightning in a bottle. And there are certain circumstances under which there is more likelihood for that to happen than others. And it's about an openness, and that openness. If I've done my work, if I am staying to a certain degree in the character, if I'm open to what is coming at me by way of stimulus. That has been the moments where even now, when I watch Selma, I have a complete disconnection from it. Because I was in a place I almost can't fully quantify or understand because of the alchemy of what was happening in that moment. And that's the joy that's the benefit of when you're doing it at the highest level. With directors like Ava Duvernay and incredible actors around you and great writing.

It's a mystical thing.

We were on the Montgomery State House steps where Dr. King gave that speech and I. It's going to sound so crazy. But that morning of giving that speech, the FBI had told him you will be assassinated if you do that speech. There's it's too open, we have no way to protect you.

And he chose to give that speech anyway. And I woke up with this just overwhelming sense that I was going to be assassinated that day. I know it doesn't fully make sense, but it wasn't till the end of that day where we had shot the scene and it was done. I found myself going, Gosh, I'm still alive and it was to do with being in that place.

We shot a United Kingdom in Botswana, they wanted us to shoot it in South Africa. There was a completely different vibe from being there, same thing with Queen of Katwe shooting it in Katwe.

There is energy that you pick up, finds its way onto the celluloid, finds its way through the screen, into the audience. And at the end of the day, the true job of a storyteller is the pursuit of the truth. And the audience can feel when they are getting a watered down version of that and you come out just going well. The film was okay. You know, you're not necessarily saying it wasn't true.

But when you have been served up something that feels truly authentic, it speaks to the human being in you. Which is why the best films we love. You have a protagonist that you can tether yourself to and you go. I am relating to this character, I am working out what I would do in this scenario. That's because they are a three-dimensional, believable human being that you can relate to.

That's my favorite kind of podcast conversation, and just, I shouldn't even say podcast conversation, that's my favorite kind of conversation. It really means a lot to me. So go forth, continue to do great things.

Thank you and I am just a massive fan. you're welcome here anytime. Oh, I appreciate it and you know if you see a really good part for me as a producer.

A statuesque blonde. Wrap it up, wrap it up. You could've ended it, you could've ended it. I'm just saying you could've ended it.

As sort of a later in life Marilyn just before the end.

No, no, no, I think he's better for you, he's gonna be fantastic, his reviews, Rave, Yeah and all the other ones.

Exactly, I'd be like, yes, mission accomplished.

David bless you. thank you so much for being here. thank you.

Let's just dive in, we spent about 30 seconds and then you said, let's just dive in. Yeah, because you guys seem to be allergic to thinking about anything beforehand. Yes, our guest, who will not be named, has been delayed.

And so we thought, let's get some work done, right, so we're here. Let me describe the scene. Oh right, you can watch this on these nice high-def cameras.

So there goes that whole idea, Do you guys ever look at the camera when you're saying anything? Because you especially, you know, late night TV, you were always looking down the camera barrel? Yeah, you know what's funny, and this is a true story.

Maybe a week ago, I went into a store and it had the security camera that has the big screen where you can look at yourself. And I started walking backwards and forwards to the security screen. Oh my god. And I was just having fun the way I did when I was a kid, and then I remember I do this.

I did this for a living for 9,000 hours, and I'm like, Look, there's me there, but here's me here. I know it was very sad, but I really did that.

But I don't understand, most people just listen, they don't watch. Or is it half and half? Yeah, Adam, let us know, Adam, maybe you can break it down for us.

And don't be afraid to approach what we in the business call the microphone. Still, more people listen than watch. I think that's good. But we do have clips that go out on video that will sometimes get up as high as our podcast episodes. Like actually. Recently, the Dr.

ARROyo Oh my God. That did huge numbers, separately when you broke down your experience on hot ones, that did huge numbers on video. But typically, the podcast audio episodes is where we get most of our audio.

I like to act like no one can see what we're doing. It feels like anything referencing hot ones does well, so why don't we just talk about hot ones all the time? There's a whole generation that thinks.

I'm a guy who came out of nowhere, did hot ones, and now I'm trying to cobble together a career based on hot ones. If we start to lose listeners, we could turn this into a Hot ones re-watch podcast. Yeah, great idea, right?

Yeah, good idea. Or else just occasionally say, Uh, man, that's a crazy thing that happened to me. And then Sonya, you could say, What are you talking about, boss?

And I could say, Oh, no one would care. Just a really insane, behind-the-scenes and hot ones story that nobody knows about. Or we could start making the guests eat chicken wings, sure, that get increasingly more spicy.

Right, and then when the hot ones people come after us, say, this in no way has anything to do.

Temperate warm ones, temperate warm, no warm ones. Oh, we're going warm, lukewarm ones, lukewarm.

This is the latest one with Chris Hemsworth. Oh, they started a new season, okay, and how'd it go? Anyone watch it yet?

I'm it's Chris Hemsworth, so I think I think it's going very well. Okay, because it's Chris Hemsworth, you know, that's the thing. Look, what I had to do to get the viewer interested.

I had to destroy my intestinal tract. Okay, yeah, but then Chris Hemsworth can just be there and smile how cute he is. Oh, look, they're having fun.

Sorry, are you still here? Yeah, we're kind of busy right now, I hate it here.

No, you can turn it on. No, no, oh, turn it off for now because Conan O'Brien is cursed with this puss.

Can I just say when I was born, yeah, the doctor held me up to my mom and she said, Oh my God, what happened to his puss? Which is how people talked back then. Is that a true story? No.

Because my mom cried when she saw my face. what? Yeah, she thought I was a really ugly baby. I'm not joking because my nose was crooked, too. Even so, who told you this?

My mom did, whoa, she did, Oh, that's not cool. Now, a lot of babies get sort of smushed on the way out.

I got smushed.

My nose is not normal, but it was really crooked. And I saw the first picture that they take, they take the first picture of you in the hospital. And I was like, Ugh, I get it, my baby picture's horrifying, it's just horrifying.

And I just have this, what looks like copper wiring on my head. Oh, and I was the only one in my family of six kids that had this copper colored hair. Yeah, and it was just a freak show.

Yeah, I was very. I asked my mom once, and she said, you were a fat little Buddha with orange hair? And I was like, Okay, she said it like that. She said, a fat little Buddha with orange hair. And then she gets all happy when she talks about my brothers and sisters.

Oh, that's your mom's way of saying you were not the cutest baby and unloved, and but you knew that I did know that, which always helps.

Thanks, hey, thanks, good friend. But no, it gave me this drive to overcome. No, it didn't. yeah, it did.

Sure, it did. No, it didn't. It always goes back. There's a rosebud somewhere, and mine is my mom saying, You fat little Buddha with orange hair.

Your rosebud is your cursed puss. Yes, my cursed puss. Yeah, yeah, it's just look, I got a face for radio.

Let's put it that way. Come on man, and oh, good defense, Sona, you didn't come up with one thing. Oh, this part of you looks good.

This part of you, you just went, Oh, no, let me tell you something. For years, people have said, Hey, you're real funny, too bad about your puss. I get that all the time.

You've never gotten that, and you know what? It's not fair to talk about this after we saw Chris Hemsworth, cause he is a freak like he is just like a. He was chiseled.

I know, yeah, awful to go through life like that. That's a perfect puss, that's a perfect, and it's not just the puss, it's the whole package.

Also, I'll tell you something else, What a charming fellow. I know that's the other thing. Yeah, goddammit, that's okay.

And he also seems kind of funny, you know? He seems like he's got the whole thing. That's where I get mad. Adam's really nodding.

I'm not a competitive person, I'm someone who's just happy that my hot ones was considered the greatest of all time. That's all by virtually every periodical.

Now let's move on. Can I? I'm sorry, just to for my mom's sake, she doesn't think I'm ugly now. Well, that's a big. I felt like I made her a bad mom because she was like, you were an ugly baby.

But I actually appreciated the honesty instead of her just being you were precious. There's no reason to be honest at that point, that's just that's something you're supposed to be honest about. What do you know you don't have to be honest?

Well, she is, you had to pass through your mother, and so maybe she smushed you. How? Please explain contracted.

Maybe gave you a little smush-a-roo, so maybe it's her fault, She did it on purpose. Yeah, maybe she felt you coming out, and she said, Tell me when the face is coming out.

And then I said, The face now, and she went, I smush you, she is a cursed puss, I smushed her face.

Your mother timed it, what is wrong? Your mother timed it and then did. What are they hagel crunches?

Kegel exercise. Okay, so anyway, your mother was like, just tell me when face come out, so I can give her her time for first 15 years. The accent is so insulting, but also very accurate. But tell me, doctor, tell me when face come out.

And I do kegel, and then the doctor's like, Okay, if you want, and the face is out now, I smush you.

Oh my God, what is wrong with you? She's got dizzy. Oh no, I just laughed so hard that the blood went out of my head.

And my mom, you know, you did, Nadia, you smushed her. She's beautiful now. But all those years of unsmushing, the operations, the procedures just tell me when face pass through.

Okay, that's unusual, we don't. I smush you all right. I need a drink and I need some pills. Immediately. I went too far.

I love your mom, love you Nadia, but you know what you did?

Peace out everybody.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

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