Medicine Is The Best Medicine

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

And here's Chris, I'm Chris, I'm here.

Hi Chris, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.

Hi guys, Yeah, Chris, how are you? I can't believe I'm here, I'm doing very well.

Well, tell us, Chris, first of all, nice to meet you and where are you right now?

Pleasure's all mine, I'm in Chico, California.

Oh cool, all right.

Very good, yeah, that's all right.

Chico, California. And oh, look at your books behind you, you got World War II, yeah, the Civil war.

I can tell like you're always talking about, like, at the end of your show, you're like, you know, we're friends on the podcast, we're not friends outside. I got a gut feeling we'd be friends in real life, without question or doubt.

Well, first of all, I love you, you got some red in your hair, you got the cool stache, I love it, cool mustache.

I appreciate that, thank you, Conan, Yeah.

What's your profession? are you a guy that, like, does the-?

I am a paramedic.

Oh, you're a paramedic. Oh my god, Yeah, I have a-.

I very much like to be a broadcaster, but no, I'm a paramedic for now.

Oh, yeah, you're only saving lives right now, yeah.

You're really, you guys help more people than I do, I'm sure.

Chris, let me assure you what you're doing is so much cooler than any broadcaster. I know that is very cool. Tell us what it's like to be, what's it like to be a paramedic? Tell us about it.

It's very rewarding at times. It is the biggest compliment I receive in my life. Is being welcomed into a stranger's home during their time of need. Oh, wow. And the only way I can repay that is like by doing my best. It is extremely rewarding at times and at times it is absolutely difficult.

Well, when you first show up, you go in the room, let's say you enter the house, you go in. And I guess the first job is to try and ascertain what is wrong with this person, right?

Yeah, why did you call 911 today? Okay, I always introduce myself if it's available as a paramedic, and I say, you know, hi, how are you doing what made you call 911 today?

You are, first of all, it sounds like you're very calm in these situations, right?

I am, I'm more nervous about this than I have ever been. Like, there's blood everywhere on the radio. I'll just be calm as a cucumber. But they're like, Lisa was just telling me, like, Conan's on in two and I'm sweating.

Okay, all right. well, listen, maybe you need a paramedic. you should call someone right now, later.

I won't be the first, I won't be the last.

So okay, you're a paramedic and you go, and you don't have to call me sir, just call me admiral.

How does that work? There is a handoff report, and the handoff report is one of the most valuable things I can provide. On most calls, I have access to the patient's house, I have access to, or the side of the road, I can see what happened to the patient.

I didn't know the difference, I didn't either.

We go to an appropriate hospital, there are different designations of hospital, and myself I sometimes have to call a doctor and decide which hospital is appropriate for this patient.

Wow, do you ever give the guy driving attitude that you have all these other responsibilities?

Every day he knows his discharge.

I would, I'd be like, Hey, how's the driving going?

I am very fortunate.

I'm back here, giving medications and saving lives. Hey, you might nice left turn.

The guy's bleeding out and you're just bragging.

I would spend all my time bragging.

No, I'm very fortunate.

Well, tell him, I said, Hey, shout out. What's his name again?

Shout out Talon like a claw.

His name is Talon Whoa, you're one of the coolest EMT ever. Yeah, now I like him better, I know.

Yeah, Chris, you got to step up.

Let's give Chris a nickname, he's at work right now. I had to get my shift covered.

Where's rapier? as in rapier? Wit? No, that's a terrible, terrible nickname, really bad. that one was really bad.

Yeah.

That's not intimidating.

No, let's do something about his stache, we'll call him the broom.

Oh God, you guys are so bad at this.

The broom.

I'm not good at this. Okay, you go. Oh, that's bad, you go.

Knife.

Okay, I need Chris with you.

Okay, well, that's all better than my real nickname.

What's your real nickname?

They call me Rain man at work.

They call you rain, man.

Really, yeah, oh yeah. I play trivia with my coworkers.

Oh, and you're good at trivia.

I'm really good at bar trivia, that's all right, I'm good at trivia and chess.

If they're mocking you for being intelligent and having knowledge, that's okay, you know?

Speaking from experience, I'm sure you know the feeling, I'm sorry.

I mean, seriously, I've been mocked in the past, yeah, but so what if I can't throw a baseball anyway? Let's not dwell on that. Last time I threw a baseball, I had to call an EMT.

Like, I think I got it from here.

Oh, come on, isn't anyone in your life a prick? I mean, come on.

Well, that's why he called here.

Yeah, yeah, there are.

There are.

I have the utmost respect for everyone I encounter. There's got to be one person at the hospital who's just the worst. We won't name them, but you know who I'm talking about?

Leno isn't very nice.

Oh, good Lord, anyway, I'm just picturing him in all denim scrubs.

No, I hear you having a heart attack.

That's his siren.

No, no, I'm single. I have a great family, my mother's beautiful and perfect in every way. I love my mom.

That's so nice, you shouldn't have been nervous about this. We're easy to talk to, you know, we're just folks.

I know, I know, but you're like, I've been watching you Conan on and off for about 25 years.

Oh, wow, on and off.

I listen to you guys every day.

Why off?

I had to take some breaks. I didn't know you guys had a podcast, I didn't know you guys had a podcast until I bought my new car, which had Sirius XM.

Okay, well, clearly we're not doing a good job marketing that.

No, I'm telling everyone about it now.

We have all those ambulance ads on the side of ambulances.

That's for my law firm.

Do you feel less nervous now that it's started?

No, I'm more nervous, I just my heart rate is gradually rising.

Okay, well, you need three cc's of diazo, as in stat, that's what I would say.

You're going to give me blood poisoning.

Did I just make up? I just made up a medication, I don't know what that is.

I think, so, yeah.

Okay, good.

I grew up in Berkeley, California. I've not been back since, but I went to school in San Luis Obispo, and then I moved up to Lake Tahoe for a couple of years. What'd you do there during the COVID-19 pandemic? I didn't really know what to do with myself after college, so I actually worked for the California State Parks.

You went from being a wedding planner to being someone who's going into homes where someone's face just blew up.

Yeah, it was a weird swing, but I used to work on a fuels crew. I went back to school and became an EMT. The EMT portion. Besides history class, was the only class higher level education class I actually enjoyed. I decided I wanted to be a paramedic.

Hey, do me a favor, Chris B.

I think you'd give a great report. I do, and I've seen you come under difficult situations. If you can perform on stage, I think you can perform well on stage.

What about the whole part where I need to?-?

Be professional.

Yeah, be professional.

You may make a joke unprofessionally, but your editing team does a great job of cutting that out.

You can't do that in real life, in real life. When I go in there and I start making jokes and we lose the patient. And we're all standing around the living room and I'm like, Hey, I smell someone's making goulash.

You didn't apply a tourniquet because you had to stall for a bit.

He had to do comb mustache and then the guy died.

Yeah, that one might not go well. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

I think you'd be pleasantly surprised.

Do you think you do okay?

No, I think you do okay.

How do you do? Are you squeamish?

I think I do, okay, that's the big thing. I guess there are people that just see blood and they have a problem.

There's a difference between seeing a video and seeing it in person. It's also not just blood, it's every bodily substance besides blood, too.

Well, wait a minute now, you can't be a paramedic. And you're going to say, poo-poo and pee-pee. Well, we have a major release of Poo-poo and Pee-pee, we're heading in now.

Stat.

Do people still say that stat?

That was on shows when I was a kid, there was a show called Emergency and they'd be like, Get in here, stat.

Occasionally I hear it in the hospital, occasionally when I'm walking through it, but it is kind of in phase out to my understanding.

How about do you still say clear when you're using the paddles? clear, do you still do that?

Absolutely every time. Do you not say gather round? Yes, no, you cannot be touching somebody when they get shocked, otherwise you'll get shocked too.

Oh, I never thought about that.

I want to try that.

I would like to use the paddles, I'd like to say clear, and then use the paddles on someone who doesn't need it. And then they do need it after I use the paddles.

No, if you use it and they don't need it, they will need it immediately after.

Is that true?

Yes, if you shock somebody with a defibrillator, you can kill them.

Let me ask you something, not that I'm. Sometimes I just sort of think about, what's the perfect murder? Oh, but let me ask you something, Chris. And please, anyone listening, don't you know? This is just theoretical?

I'm pretty sure I'd get in trouble if I shocked somebody that didn't need to be shocked. No, I'm talking about secretly, I'm talking about secretly.

And he's not talking about you.

He's clearly talking about him. Let me just carry an AED around with me.

No, no, listen to me, I'm not talking about you, Chris, I'm talking about me. There's someone in my life, maybe who I want out of the picture, and I use the paddles on them.

Gosh, I don't know.

I may have stumbled on the perfect man.

So like, we don't really use like the paddle, we don't use the paddles we use like these really sticky pads. That leave a pretty heavy residue. So they would see the residue and they would see the back of it.

So you can say he was having a heart attack and you did it and then he died.

Oh, that's very good.

You just sealed your own death for him.

But, like, I want to make it clear, we don't usually shock people that have a pulse that's very frowned upon in my industry. Consider it.

All right, okay, have you ever used the paddles on any kind of food item to heat it up?

Oh, don't, no, I have not.

No, if you used the paddles on an eggo.

Don't answer it. 200 joules for one second, I don't think would be enough. Don't answer it.

You don't think so if you kept, if you used the paddles several times on eggo waffles that were completely frozen, would they be at all?

I think it would make popcorn pop, I think it would make popcorn pop.

Oh, that would be fun, like, Hey, kids, gather around.

I'm going to have to.

Hey kids, let's have some popcorn, clear.

I'm going to have to look it up later, Kapoom.

Kapoom Is that the popcorn? that's the popcorn popping? Yeah, it's also an auctioneer who's having a stroke.

Get the defibrillator.

Get the defibrillator on him right and let him hold some popcorn.

Oh, no.

That got really stupid, really fast, Chris, and that's your fault. You led us down this road, yeah.

I did, I'm sorry.

You did this is all your fault.

To everyone listening, please don't use a defib, a defib.

I'm glad you're here, Chris, and I agree with what Chris just said. Yeah, that's a very bad thing to do. And don't try it on an eggo, maybe popcorn. I think we cleared things up.

No, they don't sell these things privately, like you've got to go through an agency.

I know.

You're acting like it's at Costco.

Hey, I'm here for the defibrillators.

They're in buildings sometimes, like on the wall.

Welcome to Costco.

How can I help you? I'm looking for an MRI and a defibrillator, let's see, I want an iron lung, too.

You should come on by.

Come on by if you're ever in any trouble. My name's Conan, I've got a hospital, it's right down, I'm on the third house on the left.

I have to work this Halloween. Are you allowed to dress up? I did dress up this past weekend. No, I went as Ned Flanders.

Oakley-doakley.

Yeah, I can't really. Howdy-ho Strokerino That wasn't good.

Oh.

That's great. I had my glasses on and everybody thought I was Jeffrey Dahmer, so I think it's the last time I'm doing the costume.

Oh man, well, Dahmer Flanders same thing.

I simply can't do that. As a paramedic. I do think that Ned Flanders would be a great paramedic. Ned and Marge would be my two votes.

I would worry that Ned Flanders would just put it in God's hands too many times. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah, too much. Yeah. He'd say, like, Well, it's the Good Lord called, and then can't interfere with the Good Lord's plan, you know? As opposed to no, no, he's just got a hangnail. Get in there.

Chris, Do you have a question for Conan?

I have quite a few, but I was really hoping you guys bring back remote episodes because that was my absolute favorite thing to watch. You guys. Oh, cool, even you guys just do the audio for the Grand Canyon, that would be hilarious.

You mean, for the TV show, or are you saying, do it for a podcast?

Or do a remote as a podcast and release it on YouTube. Okay, I mean, like, or just, I don't know the situation, but like, you can just do local ones, like go to parts of California.

Let's just say there's some things in the works, there's some plans in the works.

Yeah, come do a ride-along, man, that can be your remote, oh.

You and I on a ride-along, oh man.

Oh, yeah, that's interesting, you don't want that. I'm a paramedic instructor as well, I can teach.

Well, we all know how this is going to go. Lives will be lost, but laughs will be gained.

Conan will commit manslaughter and I will lose my paramedic license.

No, no, no, you won't lose your license.

But it'll get some good laughs, I think, yeah, it'll be a good bit.

Hey, if all you lose is a career and we get some laughs, then who's to say we didn't win?

Have you guys ever had, like, I don't know. I hope you guys have only had positive interactions with us. Yes, I was just curious, have you ever had an interaction with a paramedic or EMT?

No, I mean, I've a couple of times been around elder folk who have needed that kind of assistance. And paramedics, EMTs have come and they're just always fantastic, great. I mean, I can't imagine having that experience.

That really warms my heart to hear.

Yeah, it's true, it's true if people come in, they just have this body of knowledge and they're calm and immediately everything is better. Yeah, so I mean,....

I like hearing that, I really try to replicate that in my practice as well.

Oh my god, yeah, you know, if I was having a problem, I would want you to come through the door. And then we'd spend like 10 minutes just talking about old Simpsons episodes, and then I would flatline and you'd be in a lot of trouble. Well, Chris, very, very nice to meet you.

I appreciate you saying that.

You're a better Ned Flanders than Ned Flanders, in my opinion. Thank you. Yeah, very cool to talk to you and tell your mom we said hello.

Very cool to talk to you guys. Oh, of course, yeah, my mom's great. I know you guys are wrapping up, but I just want to say you guys help me so much in my personal life. I'm on the peer support team here in my area.

I would agree. I think medicine, as some comedians said, actually, medicine's the best medicine. I don't know who said that, but they were when the shit really hits the fan....

I have my tight five in the back of the ambulance.

Yeah, you guys.

You guys help more people than I ever can. I hope you guys keep doing what you're doing. You give me and so many other people something to look forward to each day. Wow, I really appreciate all you guys do.

Wow, I'm going to cry. All right. Well, Chris, thank you so much. honor to talk to you. really thank you.

Honor's all mine. Thanks Chris. bye-bye Chris. have a great day Conan. bye guys.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.