Weekend at Conan's
2024-05-23 00:25:46
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit team.co.co.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hi Michael J. Welcome to Conan. O'Brien. needs a fan. Hey Michael J. How are you?
I'm doing great. How are you?
I'm doing terrific. Where are you in the world right now? Michael J...
I am in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.
Ah, famous spot where the Wright brothers first plane took flight, right? Kitty hawk.
Well, you know, I hate to start our interview off with a correction. CONAN. But the history books tell us that the Wright brothers flew in Kitty Hawk. They actually flew in Kill Devil Hills, which is just south of Kitty Hawk. And the reason that Kitty Hawk gets the notoriety is that there's no telegraph office in Kill Devil Hills. So after they flew, they had to go up to Kitty Hawk, send the Telegram. And then I think it's a PR thing, because Kitty Hawk sounds much more aeronautical than Kill Devil Hills.
Okay, let me tell you something, Michael J.
You are dead to me now. Oh, I like this guy, you corrected me on American history. I'm humiliated.
Look, if I have to flame out that way, I'm okay with it.
That's fair, you seem to really know your stuff, and now I know something, and you're right, I do know that. The captions of the photograph of the plane flying say, Kill Devil Hill. So yes, you are correct.
You just upped me on that, I didn't know that, that's fantastic.
Well, I panicked and I just tried to make.
I don't think I've ever seen a photo that says that he made it up, I made it up.
You know what I think after you said it, it's written in, and it's now, I mean, that's gospel.
You know what, Michael J?
You went in 30 seconds from being dead to me to being my best friend ever, because you paid me that compliment of saying that. Anything I say is gospel. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Michael J. I like you, you've got great energy, I'm clicking with you right away.
What do you do? what's your profession?
Well, I'm a retired clown, circus clown I am currently....
I'm no wonder, although I'm having trouble retiring, but no, I very much I'm with you, man. I feel the same, I feel your pain.
So you've been a circus clown for how long?
For 20 years now, started in 2004, yeah.
That's amazing. And were you trained? did you go to clown college? What was your background? How did you get into clowning?
I didn't, and I'm going to correct you again. Conan. There's no such thing as clown college, like a sort of academic institution. Clown college that most people know of is really the Ringling Brothers training camp. It's like a....
Wasn't it called?
Now I'm going to correct you.
No, no, no, you're correct. It's called the Clown College.
Yeah, who just mentioned this?
I'm done totally fine with him correcting you.
Michael J.
That's fine to correct me, but it turns out I was.
You just said I was correct. I was dating a girl once in another lifetime long time ago. This is weeks ago. No, I'm kidding.
Many, many years ago. I was dating this woman and after we dated, she was working at the time in a sports bar and she was waiting tables. And we dated a little bit in Chicago. Then afterwards, she said, I'm off and I said, Where are you going?
And she said, I'm off to clown college, and she had never mentioned anything about that. And then I told some of the other writers at SNL and they started making lots of jokes about. Before you went to bed with her, would you take off your really long shoes? Did she sometimes have to sweep up the spotlight around the apartment?
So it was a mistake to mention that to a bunch of SNL writers, anyway....
The best thing to imagine the noises that might come out of a room are the....
Highly erotic. Guess what, you just aroused me. I'm going to say, Hey, come on, come on.
I'm sorry. The idea of a clown doing it and making that noise, I think, is one of my kinks. I want to tell you something. Michael J. You seem like you have a great sense of humor. You'd be good at clowning.
What kind of clown were you? What was your persona?
I like to practice something I call benevolent clowning. A lot of clowns are real mischievous and are going to stick it to you pennywise. Pennywise is not a nice clown, malicious clown.
I tend to be a clown from the heart, I like to find the idiocy in a moment and live in. That. We sit in the muck is a thing the clowns say a lot.
I ascribe to that philosophy, which is.
There are different comedic schools some comedians like to. I'm the teller of truth, I'm above you, telling you about the world.
I like to be in the mud, or the muck, as you guys call it. I like mostly the joke to be on me, but also sometimes I like it to be about Matt Gorley and Sonoma Session. I feel like I'm pulling them down into the mud with me and rubbing muck all over them. That's my philosophy.
I think it might have been Buster Keaton, who said the audience loves a slow thinker, and so I like to be a slow thinker that has just a big heart. Because I look like, and for people listening, they won't be able to see me, but I look like if a panda bear and a human being merged into one.
We got in a fly teleportation pod accident. I'm looking like a panda.
That's the clowning that I lead with that.
That's.
I like your philosophy, I think it's very sweet. And so you've been a clown for a long time and it sounds like you've been successful entertaining people. Is that pretty much the plan going forward, or is there something else you're working on?
You know, that's interesting. A lot of beautiful boxes have been checked in my life and I feel very, extraordinarily lucky to have led the path that I have. And so I'm not sure I'm really on the lookout for something, whatever is next. And so recently, I became a certified death doula.
A death doula? Yeah, are you familiar with that?
Well, I'm conjuring what I think it might be, and I may have been around it. These are people that when someone's passing, when they're, is a death doula there for the person who's dying, or for the people who are grieving.
Both, the easiest way to describe it is. Whereas a birth doula, so like midwives and birth doulas, whereas a birth doula helps in the labor of birth, a death doula helps in the labor of death. Because there is a sequence of events that happens for a person who's in the process of death and dying. And it's something where you can help them in their journey, you can help the families in their journey, you're there to help educate.
You're there to help.
I have no idea how somebody prepares for that or how you can learn about that. I was.
Around someone.
And it's not a tragic story. It was someone who was very, very old who was passing on, and I think close to 100, if not 100, and they were passing on. It was the first time I had been around a death doula.
And I was really impressed with the explanations they were giving about what's happening and that this is a very natural process. Obviously, sometimes it's not a natural someone's bank safe falls on them, that's not a natural process.
That's funny.
Yeah, it's funny when it happens.
The safe is made of natural materials.
Exactly, yeah. But in this scenario, it blew my mind that this person was so helpful and just understood that this is what's happening. And, as you know, we have a culture that isolates us from death. We scrub it clean.
People used to die all the time, and they would have the person in the casket in the house for three days before they buried them. You were present. Now it's all been taken care of and sanitized.
You're correct again, Conan, right on the spot. Because it's something that we've gotten as a society. We've been very separated from funeral rites. We don't prepare the body anymore, we don't put them in a casket, we're not close to them.
Basically, once our loved one dies, they get handed off and then they come back to us, either in an urn or in a casket, and then we put them in the ground.
I think one of the biggest jobs of a death doula is just to get death back in the conversation. I think as a society, we tend to keep it at arm's length, we don't even want to the word death. In fact, that's a debate among death doulas is, should we be called death doulas or end-of-life doulas?
I think that's exactly the point is that we need to take the power away from where the stigma attached to the word death, it's like they're contorting the words to say.
I'm a life-not-anymore doula. Wait, you're what? I'm a good times life-over-now counselor, which is just so strange, life-the-end-y guy that's too harsh.
I like it, you're hired. I've got some bad news. Oh, no.
Running-out-person helper? Yes, heart-ending. I very much am concerned. I want to do whatever's best for the people around me when my time comes.
What about when the time before your time comes? No fuck that, screw all of you. What I want, Michael J. is I want some sort of in a weekend at Bernie's kind of way. I want my body to be around for a couple of weeks and I want to be brought to parties and stuff. So that people really get the idea that he's gone and it eases the transition for everyone else and I get to party.
I get to party. No, you're dead. well, still, I get to, yeah, put the sunglasses on.
And I have to take you to bars around Larchmont. I'm cool with that. I forget Weekend at Bernie's was just glasses on kind of sideways, yes.
Yeah, and then the thing about that, and I know that we were talking about a very serious topic. MICHAEL J But I've taken us to Weekend at Bernie's and you're a death expert and I think I want to get your opinion. The mistake they made in that movie is that when people die, they don't become floppy dummies. And this guy's dead for days and he's just this floppy dummy. So that the comedy works when, in reality, they should do a remake of Weekend at Bernie's. Where the body decomposes in the natural way. But they try the same gag, rigor mortis and everything.
Yes, right, right, right. Yeah. When does it get stinky? Well, let's not get into that. Oh, okay.
I mean, I don't want to depress Michael J. My body will become very odorous very quickly. Oh, come on, because I plan to die eating a massive amount of onions and chili.
Now I'm thinking about after you die, how I would want you to just still be here so we could still.
Get paid for doing this podcast. But that's the weekend at Bernie's plot, which is, and then you keep doing a Conan voice and jostling me well, No, I'll take all the past footage and just start.
Playing it. Hey Conan, how was your weekend?
Oh.
Gosh, Nevertheless, I'm Conan O'Brien.
Nevertheless, I'm Conan O'Brien. That's part of the comedy is it can't be perfect.
Well, bingo, nevertheless, see, there's another one bingo. I'm Conan O'Brien. Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien.
I keep giving and everyone's taking. I do all the work around here. I'm a pharaoh and you guys.
You know, work, I'm the sun. I lost it. Look, he is dead, he is dead.
What happened to him?
There we go, this is embarrassing. But my headset cord got tangled around my chair with little wheels. And as I was talking to you, it was pulling my headset off. And I was getting pulled lower and lower. And I didn't know it was wrong. This is how you die.
And I was a near death experience, how about a near death doula, someone who can talk between the stages of near death? Because I think I almost bought it right there. MICHAEL J Well, it could be someone who comes.
And like, scares you almost to death like, and gives you different scenarios where you know.
It almost died. I think that's a now. Michael J. Do you ever find? And maybe you haven't done it for that long? But and I know this is a very serious topic. But will you ever use your clowning skills as a death doula? Would they ever come out where maybe people are really sad and you're like, don't be too sad?
Well.
Maybe if it's a family of clowns, yeah, oh, that's right.
Seventy five of them step out of one hearse. I mean, look, that that's that's going to be. You know, when that happens, I'll have won, you know, if I'm a big believer that the world.
Humor We need humor constantly, and that's my reaction to death. A lot is just go with jokes right away to the grieving family members, often at the accident scene, just to try and.
Ease the pain. OK, you're the first responder sometimes, even before the ambulance, yeah.
And I'll say, this guy could easily be saved. Yeah, if you just do some simple CPR and I'm like, CPR, what's that stand for, anyway?
Cookies, pralines and rutabagas. What's going on? It's weekend at Conan's. Are you dead now?
I am dead, I don't know, I don't know what's wrong.
MICHAEL J, You've taken us to the weekend at Conan's Street. Two things one is, I feel like modern technology has to be able to give us a way to keep the bodies loose for at least a few.
Months after death. And it has to be able to wear a a Caribbean shirt. Yeah, right, and.
I have like a group of Bunraku puppeteers, like three or four, come in like, you know, operate you, yeah. Second thing is, my hope, is that somehow modern technology and science gives us the ability to do what they did. In weekend at Bernie's 2, which is, there was the sort of voodoo that's.
Right, do you remember this? Well? I never watched it. The minute I heard there was a weekend at Bernie's 2. I tried to shoot myself, but someone wrestled the gun away from me and I was saved.
But no, but you stood in line, you stood in line, you stood in line for a ticket and that and to see Weekend at Bernie's 2, Did you? Is that true? Michael J...
You did, absolutely absolutely. Did you see Mannequin 2 on the move? No, I did not know.
There was a Mannequin 2.
Why are you?
Mannequin, 2.
Yeah, same people in it, I think. It's just no, not the main guy I think it was.
Just the guy who's the like, is it? Well, you're all over this one. Well, I didn't expect to be grilled. Senator, oh, excuse me, then, why did you introduce Mannequin 2 if you did not have the facts at your fingertips?
This committee finds you guilty. I just can't believe they the first.
Weekend at Bernie's is still something like he. He had sex with a woman. Wait, the dead guy, do you guys remember? yeah.
The mob boss's wife or girlfriend? You remember this? Eduardo goes upstairs and then they just hear, like, squealing, and they're looking at each other.
Like, is she going to realize he's dead? he's dead, and she had sex with him? So necrophilia is a is a plot point, yes.
Can the listeners please tell me if this is true? Does a woman have sex with a dead body in Weekend at Bernie's? Which is a comedy? I can confirm that.
We're there for number two. That was in one, I think that was in one, the sex happened in one.
The sex happened in the first one. I love that we got you off of your noble death doula profession, into the muck, talk about the muck. We are in the swamp of idiocy right now. All right, Eduardo?
What do you got to say? Yeah, there's a there's a parents guide, there's a sex and nudity parents guide for weekend at Bernie's. Because of the sex scene with his corpse, yes.
Wow, so it's.
Necrophilia for her, but not for him. Well, he's dead, I know it's nothing for him. Well, it's.
Like Vitaphilia, it's sex with a live person. Yeah, right, oh, he is senseless, insensate.
He has moved on. Senator, you're out of order. Okay? I don't know what happened here, but boy did they used to make what happened to the good old movies, I know.
Back in the 80s.
They knew how to make them remember the water skis, too. Yeah, and he keeps hitting the buoys.
On the Head River, yeah, classic movie. And at no point does his corpse start to swell or burble, at no point are there various emanations.
Oh, I think there are water skiing and he got water log, he never swell. Okay, I don't understand.
Michael J. I'm so sorry, Michael J. What have we?
Done. I'm not sure if you know how much I love this movie. What happened in the second one?
I think we do in the second one and we'll get back to how you comfort the dead and dying, we'll get back to that. We're out of time, but weekend at Bernie's No, no, we're making time for this.
Weekend at Bernie's 2 Does it take place like a day later? I think it happens over the course of about a week. And then Voodoo allows him the corpse to be reanimated. Oh, no, that happens.
Much later, I think I'm not sure what the time frame between weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2 is.
Why did you call into this show if you don't have the correct information on Weekend at Bernie's 1 versus Weekend at Bernie's 2?
Can you give us the plot synopsis of Weekend at Bernie's? 2? Yeah, plot synopsis? It's a long plot, that's okay.
We've got time. I hope no one's dying in the next room. Michael J. Help me. I'm scared, shut up.
I'm on with Conan, we're talking about weekend at Bernie's 2. Please help me, please, good movie.
I didn't see it. I'll give you the.
Short one. After witnessing the murder of their corrupt boss Bernie Lomax, Larry Wilson and Richard Parker are blamed for Bernie's embezzlement and fired. Desperate to find the stolen $2 million and clear their names, the pair learns the fortune was hidden in the Virgin Islands and travels there in pursuit. Meanwhile, Bernie's corpse is partially revived in a voodoo ceremony by gangsters. Also looking for the money, well.
It's good we know that the walk that Bernie.
Does when he's revived is hilarious. I remember that he sort of comes up and then he kind of just squats and does this, like sort of half. It's hard to describe, but you just got to watch it and the smirk on his face is still there.
And he just walks and he's animated, so he doesn't have to have operators, you know, operating in this time, like in one, yeah, yeah, he walks around.
Okay, well, Michael J. You have completely disqualified yourself.
I don't know you're hired.
I mean, if I'm on my deathbed and Michael J is distracting me with Weekend at Bernie's 2,.
That's mission accomplished. I think, you know, I do think you should talk about this with the next person who's moving on to the next plane. Maybe this would be a great topic, or maybe screen it.
Screen it for them one and two. You don't realize this is not a podcast episode, he's on as your.
Death Doula right now. Oh right, good at time as any is right now. Yeah, all I want is a bottle of good pinot noir and a good pizza margarita, which is right down the street.
And then I want to watch The Godfather 1 and 2.
Then I want to watch weekend at Bernie's 1 and 2, there it is. Then I want someone to find a cure for whatever I have. But still drink all the wine and eat the pizza, and then we're going to weekend at Bernie's.
You? Yeah, no, no, I'm cured because of the cure, they found. Oh, no.
You're dead, you died, you're dead. Yeah, no, never.
It can't happen never. Too big a star, too big a star America.
America won't stand for it. They'll revive me using voodoo.
Michael J.
Do you have a question for me before I go? Yeah, so you know, a lot of my professional.
Career has been as a clown, I feel like you are, if not, you know, clown, then certainly clown adjacent. But have you ever for a, you know, you know, feet first, all the way in to clowning? And if you have, or if you are interested in doing that, what would your clown name be and what?
Kind of clown are you clown? Curious? I am. Yes, I am not only clown adjacent.
I'm clown curious. I've often thought that I am a clown in that, that that is my natural state. My favorite audience is kids, I love to make kids laugh, and to me, that's the true test.
If you're a clown or not is Can you make kids laugh? And I work real. I mean, if I. I had trouble with someone's twins because they are tough kids, come from a tough broken home, they're really they laugh at everything else.
But anyway, all they do is laugh. I think I would not overdo it on the makeup, I don't think I need to. I think I'm clownish already.
I think I would slightly exaggerate what I have and I think I'd be more of like the Chaplain Keaton School of Clown. I think I would wear and I think I would do a lot of physical comedy, which at my age is very dangerous and would quickly lead to my death. I think my name would just be Conan, because, you know.
That is my clown name, you think about it? a great clown name. Yeah, I was. I was thinking about this and I was trying to think of something that is, you know, like, long and skinny and red.
Oh, do you like you? Oh, Ok, and I was part of Twizzlers, Twizzlers, Twizzlers, Twizzlers, Twizzlers.
Is not bad Twizzlers the clown? Or also because I feel like Boko would be like, that's a pitch down.
The middle of the plate, right? Yeah, I mean, it's too much. Everyone is right there on the nose, but.
Twizzlers feels like a good, like Twizzlers is pretty good. I'm also beef jerky, jerk, fucking jerk. Yeah, that's good.
You're getting closer, you're getting closer. Hey kids, hey kids, happy birthday.
Here's fucking Jerk, Hi kids. Hey, is that your face? Did you get hit in the face? Go get your shine box, you mutt.
Go get your shine box. Are these the kids? Yeah, no, I'm the clown. Oh, I'm not talking to the kids.
No, you thought the kids were saying, get your shine box. Yeah, no, I'm a mutt, that's my, that's me as go screw.
That's me as the clown. Fuck you jerk. Hey kids, what a shitty party. Enjoy the cake.
No one lives long, your parents don't love each other. Can you do anything? Clown, balloon animals? No, screw you.
No, I'm forming a union, I want a union, I'm a shop steward.
I'm not leaving until I get 800 dollars in cash. Your mother is pretty easy on the eyes.
All right, Michael J. I'm a terrible person. Your instincts are straight on man, you're again, you are correct again.
MiChael J. It was nice talking to you and continue doing your good work. thanks and you too, I bow to you.
Hey, right, take care.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
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