#618 - TREVOR WALLACE + BRIAN SIMPSON
2023-07-10 01:49:18
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email [email protected] Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad Dot TV. If you want to check out our Merch, go to Shop Squad Dot TV for Death Squad Merch and tour dates, or go to Kill Merch. For all the Kill Tony Merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, Kill Merch, Merch..com, Tony has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe Calm. He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information.
That's Tony Hinchcliffe. Calm. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the Mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out My Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX Calm for more information.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey y'all all around the world, good news we are doing another massive ticket drop for Monday. Tapings at The Mothership, the true home of Kill Tony. These all sold out in minutes. Last time we did it, we expect the very same to happen again.
Presale begins July 14th at noon central time using the promo code 60 Seconds. That 60 Seconds promo code July 14th at noon on sale to the rest of the public if there's still any left on July 15th at noon. These are for the Monday shows for all of October, November, December and January. So, if you're planning a trip to Austin, Texas, or you're going to take a trip to Austin, Texas. Because you got tickets to kill Tony, this is your time to do it again.
July 14th at noon using the promo code 60 Seconds and on sale to the Normies on July 15th at noon. Join us on the Ride of a Lifetime, go to comedy Mothership Calm and get tickets.
It's over halfway sold out, that's going to be gone soon, so get your tickets for that New Year's eve. Why not spend it with us? It is going to sell out.
This is your chance to get tickets for a kill tony. Those who do this thing around the world not going to last much longer.
Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony, it's clear.
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yippee, here we go again, make some noise for Red Band everybody here at the number one live podcast in the world. It's called Kill Tony, and it's brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gelblaster, CM Smokehouse and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony band. Everybody, huh? You guys get to listen to that magic.
That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, right there, the great Paul Diemer on the horns, Matt Mulling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys. And that right there is the undeniable D madness, ladies and gentlemen.
Undeniable. We have an unbelievable show for you. Before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey y'all, it's official, it's announced.
It's out there, my largest stand-up tour of my entire life, all the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's, Virginia, just outside of D.C. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clearwater, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at Tony Hinchcliffe. Calm, come see the crazy Texas fucking stand-up that I've been working on. You're not gonna believe it.
Let's have some fun, hey y'all. Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like writing an important report and forgetting to hit save. Most of the time. You'll probably be fine, but what if one day your computer freezes or crashes and all your hard work is gone? Let me tell you, as a member of the Writers guild, that would be terrible. Every time you connect to an unencrypted network cafes, hotels, airports. any hacker on the same network can gain access to your personal data passwords, financial details, etc.
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Red man, I love it. I am going to the airport tomorrow and of course, I am going to have ExpressVPN turned on my phone and my laptop. It could even be on my tablet. It's all of your devices, it's easy to use.
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Or what? Come on, people, you're in Austin, Texas, the live music capital of the world, the comedy capital of the world. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
Every single week I have two of the funniest humans on the show. This is one of those very awesome episodes where I think I'm showing you guys two of the best currently. But also, really, these are, really, I mean, these are the fucking future, future fucking stars of the world. Two of my favorite comedians make some noise for Brian Simpson and Trevor Wallace.
Everybody come on.
Here we go, Brian Simpson.
Netflix Brian Simpson filming his special here in a couple months. The Great Trevor Wallace filming his special at the Paramount Theatre, July 14th and 15th. Brian Simpson, Comedy.com, Trevor Wallace, Comedy.com, BS with Brian Simpson and Stiff Socks with Trevor Wallace. They're very popular podcast guys.
You've both been guests on this show before. Welcome to the show. Who the fuck is saying that? Can we go again? Mercedes? Go fucking choke a bitch out real quick.
How about a hand for Mercedes? Everybody? She's the muscle. I know what you're thinking, Oh wow.
They have a hot chick working security. She's like fucking special forces and can kill you with their pinkies, so don't fuck around, don't be a homo, she will kill you.
How you guys doing? Welcome back to the show. Grab those microphones, say anything at all, real quick.
And then I'll explain the show, What's up? I'm here from California. Fucking idiots, what?
Look out, this guy's worst enemy, this dumb fuck right here, he's scared to death of people like you living with it. A 30-minute radius of them. Brian Simpson.
Here at your home club, yeah, dude, I perform on the stage every night, but I've never got to see you, hi.
Yeah, it's nice to get this. It is. You guys have been guests on the show before, so you know all about it. This bucket is absolutely filled to the gills with over, I believe, 200 names, and the undertaker's lanyard is in the bucket. You know, first world problems.
Look at that, that one's itching to get out. If I pull their name, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy. Everybody a new minute that they haven't done before, maybe it's their first time.
You know, their time is up in near the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them. We find out more about them, maybe what they could be talking about, should be talking about, what's interesting about their lives at all whatsoever, and we find out what makes them different. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?
Well, well, well, um, I don't know if you guys have been following along with the storyline of the legendary Hans Kim. But some extreme highs and extreme lows lately, a lot of the highs have been on mountains of cocaine, and a lot of the lows have been on this stage. But something changed a week and a half ago when we decided to start having him challenge every single week for his regular ship spot. He's been a regular every week. For over two years. We've seen this guy go from living in his van to literally thriving, selling out every weekend. Hawaii, Phoenix.
He was just in Chicago. Sold out shows all weekend at all the best comedy clubs in the world, but his minutes have been a little bit shaky on the show. So we literally have someone challenging him that goes on after him every single week. That if they win, they become the new full-time regular on the show. What we've learned is that it makes Hans Kim perform a lot stronger, a lot better, because he's fighting for his life. So, with no further ado, sing along if you know the words, This is Hans Kim.
Hey, I had had an Asian dude and a woman. If I'm ever in a fire and I see an Asian dude and a woman coming to rescue me, I'm gonna kill myself. What'd you send the HR department?
When you're in a fire, you don't want to see diversity, you want to see a Nazi.
You want to see generations of food security and white privilege.
Not an Asian dude and a woman who's gonna drive the fire truck.
Tired of all these people trying to make America into a safe space for white people that already exists, it's called Europe.
You want to drink tea and kiss dudes on the cheek? Go back to England, faggot.
Thank you, wow, there it was.
Man, I was a little nervous at the beginning. There tripped over the hole. I saw an ad with a firefighter ad. it was an ad of the fireman, the fireman. Like, Oh fuck, oh yeah, you fought, fought, fought, like only a real experienced, autistic Asian boy could do.
How do you feel like that? went, Hans? I felt like it went amazing, oh.
I love it, Hans. That is another new minute, it's hard to write a new minute. That's a complete bit the what kind of ad will?
And you say you saw an ad, you say it like, you read it in a magazine or something. Are you saying to say you saw a commercial or it was a TV show?
But I changed it to add because it hit better with my demographic.
What's your demographic?
Drunks and sex perverts.
Incredible guys. You've seen Hans Kim before. Would you think about that minute? Brian Simpson, Trevor Wallace.
Yeah.
Can you make rent after? You don't kill Tony? You know, that's true, you guys are roommates. I didn't even think about that. These are you're looking at the real kill Tony fans out here.
BRIAN, Is there anything about being a roommate with Hans that you can tell us? I mean, he's been a very regular character on the show for two years. I'm sure there's something people would love to know.
Well, you know, I'm not one to put my business in the street, but I'll just say it's exactly what you'd imagine.
I love hans. Oh yeah, we all do. Trevor. Have you ever seen Hans before? Not live? See him on live.
I love the outfit, makes me just want to like vape and fight a Taco Bell employee, you know?
Blast some shit up, you know? I mean, thank you Trevor, I wore this for you. Did you really jewel pods on you? Oh yeah, we're banned in California.
So hook it up. Hell yeah, I thought it was great. It's phenomenal, man. Thank you. A good new minute, Hans.
You know how this goes, put the mic back in the mic stand, go back behind the curtain. How about one more time for Hans Kim? We're gonna see him in just a second, he's not gone.
No, that was Hans Kim music yet, guys, what you're about to see is again, I mean, this is a whole new era of Kill Tony. Someone fighting for regular ship to start the show is insane. And I can only give credit to one of my favorite mentors and heroes, the great Vince McMahon, who likes starting shows with a bang every once in a while. I think it works out great anyway. The guy who you're about to see has the opportunity to change his fucking life.
He's had a very controversial run on Kill Tony, he's on or off, I mean, it's either home runs or fucking big miss. Swings also has a huge cocaine addiction.
He has great musical abilities, a lot of different things. He's fairly, fairly, really, really new to stand-up comedy. I think only about eight or nine months in. So here he is fighting to become a regular every single week on the number one live comedy podcast in the world. Make some noise for Uncle Laser, everybody.
Cuckolding.
When one fucks one's wife, why one other watches and or masturbates?
Not as funny as I thought, either. It's not as good as it is either. See, the other day in Vegas, I got involved in a cuckolding situation. Alright, I'm playing slot machines, being the degenerate piece of fuck that I am. This snaggle-tooth old man walks up to me, said, Hey man, we're big fanciers.
Me and my wife watch you all the time. It'd be an honor if you would fuck her while I watch. I said, I'm gonna pass my guy, he goes. I'd be willing to pay some shekels for your time.
I said, Alright, well, let me take a look at her now. This wildebeest of a woman comes crawling out under the vending machine. She walks up to me. I can hear her breathing from 20 yards away. She looks leathery, like she fell asleep in a tanning bed, like a fucking Buick seat, I.
Said, Nah, man, I'm gonna have to pass. He said. I'll give you four thousand dollars. I said. I said, Man, to be honest with you, Buick's not that bad of a car. I'll take her for a spin.
That's it.
Well, I mean, if there's more, how much longer is the thing?
A.
Another minute, 30 seconds, that's all. You know, the format of the show, that's not.
That's not fair. That's your minute. Okay, all right Uncle Laser. all right. okay, all week. This guy, what have you been saying? I'm gonna bury him.
I don't bury him with a fucking shovel. I mean, while you're dressed like you just dug yourself out of a grave, look like going.
I'm going to move the Tiger King on a parole hearing right now.
Oh my uncle Laser, what a special fucking treat. So what can you just at least tell us? Separate from the minute, which won't count to the audience voting.
But how does the story as it in? Yeah, oh so. I went up there and when I got up there, he threw me a curveball. And he's like, Hey man, you can fuck her. But I want to wear your socks, why you do it? And I was very strange me, and I'm like, No, like, my mama gave me these socks.
These are my lucky socks. I'm in Vegas. So he gave me $200, I let him wear my boxers on his head, right? And so I finished, you know, saying.
And then I took my $4,000.
I went to the roulette $4,000. Hold on, did you use a condom with this lady? No.
How long, how long did this?
I forgot who I was talking to. I'm sorry. Drink out of a water hose, don't wear condoms. Pretty simple, dude, right? And you never get sick.
Never is sick immune. But I finished and I took my phone on, I got another question.
How long is the whole sexual intercourse?
Pumping, I mean, 20, 25 minutes. I feel like anything over that's over handling, right, and anything under is underperforming.
So you always look at that 20 to 25 minute window, the window, right?
That's the thing you kept your socks on, get my socks on. So then I go down the roulette table and I put all that $4,000 on black, you know what color it came up, what green?
No way. So then I'm sitting there, like, Well, fuck, that went quick, so I did with any piece of shit degenerate gambler doing. If anybody has a gambling problem, you'll know this all too well. I marched my ass right back up to that hotel room and I fucked her again for $1,000. I let him wear my socks.
But I can't. Does not count to your voting. By the way. You son of a bitch. You got to learn how to edit, you got to learn how to edit. The fucking shit out dude, you're up there singing fucking country music lyrics.
Yeah, I was just about to say, you like, the only reason? The reason you're gonna lose the Hanson I is because he's he's so much experience, more experience at writing jokes. Because you could have got to that in that minute, you're all the bullshit you could have got rid of. This dictionary that isn't actually a dictionary.
I realized when I open it, cuz you could have just been a hey, got a dude. A dude paid me to fuck his wife, she was ugly and then bam, right to the right. I did it for $4,000.
You do stand-up comedy, like you're reading a child to bed. And then a wildebeest came from behind the vending machine.
You got a you got to get to that.
It doesn't work like that in stand-up comedy, there's no painting moots, people come to laugh, they don't come to be like.
What a special trip. This is. Hans Kim. get back out here. This is, uh, this is gonna be, uh, yeah. Hans Kim. Has defended his throne twice already, once against Golden Ticket winner Enrique Chacon, another time against Golden Ticket winner and favored us, almost barely favored.
A very even match. Jared Nathan. This is his third time defending his regular ship. How many of you have Uncle Laser being the new regular after his performance tonight? Make some noise, you guys get to decide.
It's all the racist people. Look at all those mustaches. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining?
While Uncle Laser, we gave you a shot, you put up a fight, I hope that you learned something here. You got a fucking trim the fat. It's the ultimate note, it's the one note that everybody in their first few years, a lot of people have been doing this shit ten years. And they're not editing enough.
It is the real secret. Writing is the most important thing. And then cutting that shit down to only the pieces you need is the thing that separates the goods from the greats. So I think you learned the ultimate lesson here tonight because you got buried by chopsticks, you know what I'm saying, you got fucking.
He put you in a to-go box with a little metal handle, he's gonna carry you home. Hans Kim, What do you want to say?
I'd like to present Uncle Laser with this very own little joke book made by Bones I.
Make some noise for Uncle Laser.
Hans, You wanna you want to say anything else? I'm not surprised, motherfucker.
Three and oh.
Undefeated.
The first ever regular not only to defend his position once, twice, but three times. Hans, you are undeniable make some noise for Hans Kim. Everybody guys, that was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim.
Hey, I'm Roy and I'm all, and we're the hosts of the new Rory and Wall podcast. That's right, I know you're probably listening to a podcast that you actually like right now. And we just interrupted it with an ad. That's all right. We're here. And I appreciate if you didn't hit the 15-second skip button.
Listen to our show where we cover topics like music, movies. Yes, TV shows, love to binge watch, of course, just lifestyle stuff and give our crazy stories about our day-to-day lives. Yeah, check us out a new Rory Mall podcast, listen to wherever you get your podcast and let us know how you feeling about our show. And once you're done listening to this podcast that you actually like, maybe you could check us out.
All right, pull the name out of the bucket. Now. This is where shit gets crazy, if you guys don't know. Because literally any random human being is allowed to sign up so anything can happen. It could be somebody's first time. It could be a local legend that's been signing up for months, hoping to get a big break on this show with a brand new minute of stand-up comedy. We're gonna meet them all together.
Make some noise for Kyle Drake, everybody.
One more time for Kyle Drake. Everyone come on.
How we doing good. So I come from a pretty interesting family. Most comedians do, you know? Like my father, he was a drug addict, yeah, but he was a responsible one, though, like he'd only do drugs on weekends. Yeah, because like, that's when he had custody.
Yeah, happy Father's Day, right? I don't know, interesting family. All I really have to say is like, white people, we're not the best. We're not, we're not. we don't even have the best genetics either. By the way, like, I have a brother, right? who's 25 years old and he's already completely bald.
Yeah, it's crazy, but cancer's a bitch.
Yeah, that's a fun one, cuz it's real, I.
Think I'm close to my time, I don't want to go over.
KYLE DrAke, welcome. This is your first time on the show. correct? Yes, yes, absolutely okay. How long you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years?
We're at San Diego, San Diego. What are you doing here? visiting, scoping it out? see what it is? Yeah, you're thinking about moving here?
Yeah, okay, what do you think about people moving from San Diego? Is that okay?
Jesus fucking Christ.
What do you do for work? Kyle DrAKe Uh, I work at a research institute and then I used to work at a comedy club.
Okay, what are you researching?
They do a bunch of stuff they do, like Alzheimer's dementia stem cells, okay?
All right, okay. Mm-hmm. Which side of the argument are you on? Are you on Rogan side or Dr?
Peter Hotez's side.
I.
Believe Rogan runs this club, so I'm definitely on his side. I'm trying to get more stage time. You know, would your dad ever give your brother with cancer like drugs, like, cheer him up a little or something? My dad, Yeah, you had the bit where your dad does drugs.
Does your brother really have cancer? Yeah, he survived, though. Okay, what kind of cancer was it? lymphoma?
Okay, yeah, what was that like? Did you try to make him laugh during it? No, I made a bit about it.
But I tried, I tried to. You know, he came with me, he loves comedy, so he's here.
He not right now, no, but he passed away. Yeah, he's here spiritually tonight.
He's no longer with us.
No drugs would your dad do.
What kind of drugs was your father on?
Mainly alcohol, but uh.
Jesus Christ dude, where's the real God? Give me Ozempic brother, give me the real shit. Uncle Laser has more drugs in his nose right now. Then fucking sounds like your dad ever did.
Okay, Kyle, what do you do for fun? What makes you you? um, tell us something interesting about you? She seemed like a very, very normal white guy from San Diego, trying to come into a place that's filled with monsters.
So I'll do, I'll say anything for more stage time.
I vote, I believe Rogan owns the club I just came to conquer and take over.
I think the only guess the fun thing I did is I went to TJ and I lost a butt plug in a girl's ass.
Wait a sec. Yeah, throw you a curveball now. Yeah, you had to pay for that. No, you went to T.J. Tijuana, Yeah, Mexico.
Yeah, and you met a girl, yeah, and she had a butt plug, or you had your own butt plug? No, she had it.
I don't bring them with me, but I mean, okay.
Speak for yourself.
Okay, okay, I'm glad we got red bands. One fart noise out of the way. Jesus Christ, this guy cannot wait. By the way, the fun fact about the soundboard is that the Fart Board is a totally different app. No, don't go back to the fucking Fart board. You're allowed to want an episode.
So he literally has to bring it up. Okay, thank you whoever's doing that, that's, that's insane, DS.
Thank you, I literally hate that. So thank you DS, Thank you John. back to the comedy show. Thank you Jeremiah. I mean, John, thank you so much.
There you go.
Sweet Okay, all right. Shut off John's mic. Thank you. Hi Kyle. Tell me more about you.
Well, I. I came from the Meth capital of California there for a bit, and then I moved to San Diego for school, where Stockton, Modesto, it was a riverside. Okay, that makes sense, yeah. And then I, you know, went to school in San Diego, studied like neuroscience. And then I started comedy there, worked at a club there and then lost a butt plug up a girl's ass there.
We're back to that already. Okay, how did you lose it up her ass?
Did you? I was having sex with her and then on a thrust in Nice. So I was going through the front and it went in the back. And then I snatched out with my my cute little hands. You got it out, yeah, and we still had sex afterwards, so I was happy about it. If you got it out, then how did you lose it?
I lost it, went in and then I got it out, but it wasn't like, permanently lost. Yeah, it was sucked into the ether for a little bit. I got a, yeah, but butt plugs usually have a stopper, like a, I know, like it went.
Yeah, the wall, yeah, Lord, yeah, I know, I know.
So I don't, I don't even get it, Kyle. I don't even think this really happened. Did this really happen?
Yeah, I'm trying to give you something. So what was she doing when you were in there? Well, I was trying to make it. I was trying to get it out before she freaked out because it's a fucking muscle, so it'll start clamping on it, so I was like, I'm getting it out.
I just did it as fast as I could before. She freaked out. And then you're a TJ. It's like, I'm gonna what? I'm gonna take her to a hospital. And I don't even speak English, I mean, Spanish.
Yeah, holy shit. So did she come or not? What happened?
No.
Wow.
Little dose of honesty there from Kyle Drake. She was a big girl, right? No little skinny girl makes no, well, let's not say girl like that.
I think, yeah, it's gonna be hard for you, Kyle, because you have a liar's face. Like everything you say looks like you lying, even though I'm like, your face just look like you lying. Okay, I get it. Yeah, let me smell your fingers, let me see.
Let me see, let me see. He did it.
To himself, What, you know?
KyLe Drake Everybody goes, got another bucket pool ready. This is very exciting. The name seems kind of familiar, I do believe this person's been on before one name name, which is always a good sign.
Make some noise for Angel, everybody, let's see what happens here, the smooth stylings of Angel.
This is angel.
Hello, all right, what's up? Yes, I'm Angel. I heard Uncle Angel now. Motherfucker, I'm Theo Angel tonight. sorry. So yeah, man. So I'm from Boston, Massachusetts. I'm coming away from the north.
Yeah, where they at? Okay, so I'm coming over here to tell you guys, you guys are free tonight.
All right, all right, Juneteenth. Funny joke, but pride killed that. All right, I'm just saying, all right. So also Angel, half Puerto Rican, Salvadorian. I've never met so many Mexicans in my life. Up north, you see more deers than them.
If anything, you go up to Maine the picking the berries, but yo you see a deer, that's it. You open a drawer to your kitchen, those roaches running out, there's your Puerto Ricans, all right, what's up?
Also.
Up north, it's a little cold, it's it's like bipolar weather down here, it's too fucking hot. Like yo, Mike, I sweat it so much, my brain cooked and everybody's like, Yo, you don't need to go back home.
I don't, because I see a bed everywhere I lay down. Thank you, that's my time, all right.
Okay.
Angel welcome, have you been on this show before? Oh, there's, you know, I have not. Okay. how are you good?
I'm well, how are y'all? They're good, they're better than you are right now.
Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? I? Yes, Yes, I have. Okay, how long you been doing it? A few years, pandemic.
Kind of, like, took a pause. Yeah, how about since the pandemic? No, no, so, if anything, I'm under ten fingers.
Okay, that's thank God for that. Yes, that's good. When you said years, it got scary there. Yeah, okay, I got a lot of the things go. Why are you bundling up the cord like that?
Okay, there you go, so do you live here? Are you on a safari right now?
I.
Don't want to look like a LeGo piece no more, you know?
But God wants you to look like a Lego piece, and that's what matters. And he is the creator of the universe.
So here he took away my wings and everything, you know what wings? Thank you. I'm trying to get him back, what?
What wings? what wings did he take? Looks like he gave you breasts and thighs.
It's it's my shirt. It came like that. It means the guy named Jesus took his chicken wings.
Hey, I paid to get here, it's Juneteenth. You look like you do ballet at Rainforest Cafe.
You do look like that.
It will probably pay better than this human seat Warmer recommend. Thank you. Well, that's my favorite restaurant, so it's compliment, yeah.
Appreciate sauce by Angel. Okay, sauce by Angel. we're working on, like a title for this cafe, Okay Angel.
Okay, okay, what do you do for work?
I drive for a living, what do you drive? Transmutations, more medical stuff, so.
Organs for transplant Saving You're in charge of driving the organs that a guy named Angel is in charge of delivering organs to people they need them.
Okay, how long have you been doing that? for two years? all right, what were you doing before that?
Landscaping home outside Home Depot.
Angel Oh.
My goodness, okay. That's why the hat. honestly, we know it's true, it's hot out here, we know it's a very specific hat, okay so.
What are you doing in Austin, Texas? Where do you live? I? Boston, Massachusetts. I came out here for you and for the show.
When did you arrive?
Saturday When do you leave? I just bought my ticket today.
When do you leave?
Tomorrow I leave, tomorrow okay and look at you, you got lucky enough to get on. How do you feel?
Awesome, thank you. Let me ask you something because you're up here right now. A lot of people imagine what their appearance on the show would be like. You're, you're looking right at it.
You're in the room, you're in the moment, what surprises you about what you see and feel, what's what is expected? Did you picture it being like this?
Did you envision anything whatsoever when you came here?
Do I need a lawyer?
But not a fun time, great time, you know?
TONY I have a feeling that, uh, there's an organ thawing.
It's your name ain't real name angel. or did you call yourself angel because of your job? No, it really is angel. Your real birth name is Angel. Yeah, so it was God-given.
I had no choice, so I stay with it, you know.
Okay, you have any kids? You in a relationship? I got a cat, Harvey dent. Your cat is Harvey Dent. why'd you name it Harvey Dent? He has scars on his face.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We don't need no Tony Montana Scar face, nothing like that one good health care, you know, oh.
Shit, all right, angel. I gotta tell you there's been a lot of you people coming in less than ten appearances. Signing up for a show that has the ability to make people stars. And you just fucking clunk it up, you know what I'm saying? This is a very special little joke book.
It says, You suck on the back, kill Tony on the front, these bones, I joke. Books just keep getting better and better. Can you catch? Take? Go back to where you were, go back to where you were right there.
There he goes, Angel, everybody, we're gonna keep it moving here.
I very special treat right now. One of the regulars on this show, one of the most legendary regulars of all time actually retired his regular ship on the very popular 10-year anniversary episode of the show. In front of 3,000 people, he retired from being a full-time regular and as a part of his retirement package. He gets the chance to do a brand new minute on the show every single time that he wants to. It's been only two weeks and he's already cashing in here to debut a new minute for you. One of the great writers, roasters and performers in the show's history. Make some noise for David Lucas. Everybody.
Yeah, I hate this. uh, I hate this new word, women are using this. uh, there's gas lighting shit.
I hate that word. It's like, why are you trying to sound so extra like, Bitch, I'm not gas lighting you, I am lying to you.
Why you trying to make it sound fancy? Oh, this is old-school, old-fashioned lying bitch.
And if you in a relationship, you got a lot to your bitch anyway. She don't want to hear the truth, women can't handle the truth if you having sex with your girl. And she asked, Is this the best pussy you ever had? by default? What do you have to say? Yes, you can't tell her? No, the best pussy I ever had was actually from a IHOP waitress bitch.
That was.
You gotta tell her she had the best pussy, all right, that's it.
Perfect exactly a minute, David Lucas add it again. Love that joke, love that you're already fucking back with us.
Barely took a break. You love this shit, you're used to it, it's part of your regimen. Yeah, you got a.
Nice little audience. Oh, what's going on? You got fucking long neck and deep throat.
Okay, what, this is long neck, your deep throat? Okay, well, you're the one that shoves more shit in your mouth than either one of us, so I don't know the fuck you're talking about.
Is that the new trans flag? What you got on your shirt? Oh, you son of a bitch? What the hell is it, fucking Jean? material? is it you wearing that shit on Juneteenth nigga? what the fuck?
Yeah, Tony was like, I was a slave last night. Does that count?
You son of a bitch.
Look at Trevor Wallace, Boy, you look like you about to be in, dude. Where's my car on ice, bitch?
I.
Didn't want it to hit, but it hit.
David doesn't use Zillow, he uses waffle house. You gotta try again. It take a long time for a joke to get from your brain to your vocal box.
By time to get to your vocal box, it ain't shit.
They get Trevor Boy, oh, that's a ticket. Looking like you just drunk beer in a handstand.
Okay.
It's fun to watch you make fun of skinny white boys that aren't me. I don't ever get to do this. Very, very exciting. You wearing a Dennis Rodman shirt, cuz you only hook up with rebounds.
I'm wearing a Dennis Rodman shirt because on this shirt, he got his nails polished like you got your toes painted.
Okay, you're the one, you're a big ball player, you do the food court press, right?
I got him, I got him.
You root for the Denver nuggets because it's your favorite thing to order.
Oh.
I gotta think of what I go with a basketball phrase, nigga, you play front and center, I don't know.
Love it you play power for.
That's probably the right move. So how's it been going? How's retirement? Here's your father on special Father's Day tree that you got your dad here.
That nigga look like Brian Simpson daddy.
And they all got the same head.
Juneteenth, look at you out here, your gold clothes, that's your boy. Yo, I look like you have any fried chicken?
Oh my god.
He was being so good he was, he was so quiet, left the mic on the table and then you had to wake up. Fucking Brian teach, Brian Simpson teach.
Frederick Douglass studies in high school.
You can tell D-man is blind because ain't no way a regular man to come out with his hair looking like that. Oh, come on, it looks good, I'm out the front of D-man. His head look like Florida.
Oh, how dare you I got an Eddie monster?
He's not gonna roast him back. Red Band. He can't even see the mic.
He got a feel for, Oh, you gotta tap the mic so he can hear the vibration. Oh, no.
All right, blindness is also a side effect of diabetes, so you better watch your mouth, David.
You're gonna be double d-madness.
But you don't only nigga up here with sugar in his tank.
That's all Black reference, that's what Black people say. When people be gay, they be like, he got sugar in his tank, oh.
You are sweating bullet.
I'll be drinking tequila, I'm retired, bitch, Hey I.
Love it David, we absolutely love you. You're a fucking monster. I love the fact that you're still fucking flexing. These are new minutes.
I love it. I like a couple announcements. Oh, July 12 to 13, pull up on your boy who keeps it? July 14th, New York City, Sony Hall, July 21st and 22nd Boston Last Boston, July 28 29th. Rutherford, New Jersey's at Bananas Comedy Club.
Pull up on your boy, they don't look like this. Some plugs that won't get lost in a Tijuana girl's ass right there. One more time for one of the greats in the history of the show, David Lucas. Absolute Goat.
Oh, we did forget to pull a name. Okay, we'll do that. Hey, is, uh, is KP back there? Let's see.
Ain't going nowhere we. How many you like it when comedians do good on this show?
How many of you like it? When comedians do bad on this show? well, in that case, I have bad news for you this next comedians about to do really good on this show. This is the guy that took over full-time when David Lucas retired two weeks ago. This is the newest regular on Kill Tony we are. We've only seen three performances from him ever in the history of the show.
This guy is one of the talks of the club here. With a brand new minute. Make some noise for someone who we truly believe is the fucking future. The one and only Cam Patterson ladies and gentlemen.
When I was in high school, had a basketball coach, he smoked crack for real.
And he the only coach that believed in me in my life. You want to put that? believe in me.
He was a real deal crack smoker, that way he did. I remember one day he came up to, the last time I ever saw him came up to me, said Cam. If I had you for all four years, you'd have been an All-American. Then he walked away, then the head coach walked up, like, let me know, listen to say so.
This nigga actually smokes crack.
You can't listen to this nigga dog, he told a stripper. She's gonna be a doctor last. We can't listen to this nigga.
Think it's a crazy person.
I only tell that joke either I broke somebody heart one time. I just go to Ice work a target, and my co-workers came up to me like, Cam, going to your shoulders, shit made me chase my dreams. I like what you want to be in life.
He's like, I want to go to the NBA. This nigga was 45 years old.
That's it.
Man, unbelievable yet again.
So consistent, so your own self, so charismatic, crisp delivery, great punchlines, great editing. Moving forward, how do you feel great? I feel amazing.
I got a job.
Oh.
Yeah, this is I've never seen you. In the mothership gear, you famously normally wear plain white t-shirts and sweatpants, and now you're wearing the Mothership shirt and sweatpants. You work here now, you work here now. Are they?
They made you wear shoes.
To be professional.
Let me put on some shoes. you like my shoes, nigga? Do you like my shoes? Say yes, you guys all got the witness.
You guys got the witness Trevor's first time being called the n-word, right then? a.
Historical moment.
This nigga white is shit dog, Oh yeah.
It's the whitest dude ever. How to fuck?
My white man, you okay?
Can I get some hand sanitizer?
This man sprinkled cocaine on me, nigga, that's racist.
Amazing performance cam cam dressed like he wearing Katrina donation.
Oh.
My goodness, looks like you work at foot locker and live out of a locker at the same time. No, you can't, don't talk to me at Juneteenth. He gonna say that the only thing missing from that outfit is a team that lost the Super Bowl t-shirt.
It is amazing wearing his Hurricane wear. Cam Patterson Cam How how's life been going? You're writing a new minute every week, you're out here, you got the job at the mothership.
How does it feel? What are you working tonight? What do you? What exactly is your job? I'm today?
I'm the stair nigga.
You know, that's what it is on his resume.
Oh.
My God it is.
Incredible, it is Joe Rogan's club, that is what he calls all the positions.
You have the bar, the stair.
The Yonder. Just use your imagination. You say the word that I'm saying, Nigga, yep, you know, I know this guy knows he doesn't even want Californians to move here.
Imagine how he feels about Black people from Florida. My goodness, oh, Jesus Christ, this one right here, this guy with no, no, no happiness on his face whatsoever. Do I make you nervous?
Are you scared of me?
Oh, shake my head, don't shake my head. oh shit, here we go.
Wow, oh.
Wow, wait, I can see from here. He's literally pissing his pants right now. It's incredible. Oh my God, he just shoved his wallet up his own ass to save it. That is absolutely incredible.
Just got kicked out of the proud boys when the stairs.
Wow.
If you want to shake my hand, I won't give you a phone back.
Unbelievable cam. You know how to work the room, you come out. You're a fucking absolute stud of a goddamn up-and-coming rising star. I just don't see anything that can stop your fucking momentum. We absolutely love that you're part of this show and it's gonna be so exciting to watch your fucking trajectory. You are on an unstoppable path that I think everybody wants to be part of.
So congratulations Cam Patterson doing it again. Thank you so much. Come on, make some fucking noise for the future Cam Patterson. Absolutely all right. Back to the bucket. We go, here we go.
That was fun, we had David Lucas and Cam Patterson back-to-back and now we are back to meeting people, ladies and gentlemen. But this is how we met everybody, every single one of these people, from Hans the Laser to Cam to David to everybody. We met them by pulling their name out of the bucket so anything can happen.
Make some noise for sal mantia, everybody's sal mantia, perhaps mantilla.
What's going on y'all? Oh, thank you you ugly people. Thank you for coming out. I appreciate that. I know what you're thinking.
Why is my GTA drug dealer on stage right now? Ooh, that cough was rough a little bit.
Plane crashes are rough, right? Can we agree that they're bad? But I actually think they're the perfect opportunity to get something off your bucket list. Because in that one minute before touchdown, you get away with anything. You are a video game character, you know what I do.
In that opportunity, when I will eat and Nana, they're praying for salvation. For a miracle. I'm gonna get out of my seat and I'm gonna punch a kid right there. I've always wanted to be in a fight, I'm always gonna win having y'all. Hey, our parents beat us.
I want to know what that feels like. All right, oh my God, I didn't think I'd get this far, y'all. Honestly, I thought I was gonna black out on stage and pass out right now.
Yeah, okay, wow. Hi, over here buddy. How are you? I'm your worst nightmare. Look over here looking at me. Don't get distracted.
Your add is, Oh, there you go, you just said something else. Look at you. Yeah, Sal, can I call? a sigh?
Yes, oh wow, everything about you is fucked up. Look at that. I thought that was a lowercase. L That's an SAI in Montia. Yes, okay.
All right, well, now that's out there. Is that your real name? That is my real name? Wow, you fucked up.
I know, okay, let's talk about it sigh. One of the absolute worst performances imaginable, doing everything backwards, coming out, calling the crowd ugly. Getting sidetracked by a very light, normal cough by someone in the second row that nobody in the back of the room could hear. You had to describe it as rough.
That cough was rough.
Yeah.
You got sidetracked there and then you talked about plane crashes. A punch lineless bit about how you would punch someone else's kid because you were punched by your parents, but you're punching another person's kid, so it's totally different than the parent.
I'd imagine it's more satisfying if it's your own kid. Yeah, the psycho abuse needs to keep going, you know, I'm perpetuating, well, you just abused.
330 people here tonight. Brian, What were you gonna say? I said you missed one.
He also said, I know what you guys are thinking and then said something nobody was thinking. That's a good point. Yeah, why'd you call everyone ugly, though? It's Austin.
They know that.
I don't know. oh shit, daddy, Longnecks got some unfinished business over here. Oh shit, oh.
Man, I don't know why I did that, probably first time jitters, coming on here, first time jitters.
Are you saying this is your first time ever doing stand-up? No, on your first time on the show? Yeah, how long have you been doing stand-up? Like a year, year and a half? How many spots do you think you've done?
If you had to guess, how many times have you gone on stage, how many times has someone said your name and you've gone up there like Ballpark?
One, two, three hundred times, something like that, I'd go up a lot.
Somewhere between 100 and 300, I'm overestimating y'all. It's so that window is so wide open, the Cam Patterson just crawled through it.
So sigh, who told you that you're funny? Let's talk about it. Oh my god, what's the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life?
Actually nothing, apparently.
Being here, he agreed Right there, there you go, guys, he's my validation. Please do not sidetrack him.
He's looking for anything to save him right now. I know you signed up for this. Yeah, I did, okay, so let's talk about it. What's a redeeming quality about you that might get these people back on your side? Anything that you've ever done or accomplished in your life?
Doing cocaine in multiple countries.
That's not gonna do it, that's not gonna do it, degenerates. I see it. I know. No, no, they're not, they're not.
Ugly, these are real comedy fans. What, what? Yeah, what's going on with you? sigh. These people paid to be here tonight.
Why would you pay to be here?
Why would you pay to be here? Why are your eyes so small? You have a really small? I do, I do, um, I don't know.
I think I might be Asian, probably, who knows? probably? Yeah. So were you born with money? were you born when you know money?
No, it's English your first language. No, are your parents? Are your parents still together?
Not even that. No, okay, did you go to college? Dropped out?
What's the greatest accomplishment of your entire life?
Honestly, being real, having a three-way, probably, and not remembering anything about it.
Yeah, I blacked out for most of it. Did someone lose a butt? Plug up your ass?
Sigh. I find people like you to be completely unbearable, you don't even get a little joke. Book, Leave the stage, oh bye, say nothing else.
Say nothing, prepare next time, do something.
Unbelievable. I mean, what do you want? It's what the show is. I'll give the opportunity to everybody to sign up. Some people are just unbearable, wretched human beings.
Make some noise for your next comedian, Daniel Shepard. Let's see what happens, could be anything.
How's it going? Mothership? All right, I'm not super famous yet, I'll admit, but my aunt actually just made it big. She's in a major Netflix series. Yeah, right, right, but anyway, it's actually the confession killer because she got brutally murdered.
Yeah, back in 1979, her and her boyfriend got murdered by five illegal immigrants. She was Mexican, her boyfriend was white and some funny stuff. But I actually found out about this during Netflix and chilling. Okay, I was in the middle of trying to fuck and my family's crying on the damn TV. And, you know, I had to rewind that shit, right?
Nothing makes you come harder than your mama's tears, evidently, evidently. Hey, you got to do what you got to do, right? My mother's a conservative Mexican woman. She thinks Plan B is murder, murder, okay, and I've administered Plan B thousands of times, unbeknownst to her. So it turns out I'm a serial killer, my mama's little serial killer.
ANTHONY Okay, thank you, Daniel Shepherd everybody. A real way to swing the momentum back around into the comedy show.
Hi Daniel, how are you? Am I? am I? how long you been doing stand-up?
I'm going on like, four years solid, four years solid. Actually. I started in 2016, but 2019 is when I started, like, seriously grinding, you know, okay, Austin, I'm from Austin, born and raised. Okay, there you go.
That's how much you got from the hometown crowd. They ain't none of y'all from here, motherfuckers, goddamn, all right, another.
Oh, go ahead, they have immigrants. Okay, okay, what? Father's from New York?
Okay, mother's Mexican.
All right, y'all, are California you doing your own interview right now?
Dan Look like no-action. Bronson, That's about right, you're the tick-tock guy, that's right, okay. Sold out three shows of the Paramount film. I know, I know, yeah.
I love these guys, just keep coming up here, bombing and talking shit about the successful things around them. It's absolutely incredible, Daniel. So four years solid, would you think that was your best minute that you've ever written?
Definitely not so.
That's one of my good minutes, actually. Well, that's not the best minute I've ever had, ever, you know, oh?
My God, it's unbelievable. You're just in your own little world, huh? Daniel? look at me, look at me.
You're being interviewed by me. Hello over here. Anthony. No, No, not Anthony. It's okay. I don't fucking know you, Daniel, Okay?
Are you? You're done? There goes Daniel Shepard. Everybody, we're gonna keep it moving. Goodbye with the mic in the mic stand. Don't ever sign up again.
Thank you. That way back to obscurity, you go, it's that way. Yep, all right, this is very exciting.
Actually, your next comedian? I have been informed that the I next to their name means that they're inside of the room. That means that it's one of you, one of your very own people. Very different than the 200 people in the alleyway or at the bar next door, where we keep them all funneled. So it is my pleasure to introduce. And whoever this is, you're going to go that way and there, you're gonna follow this young buck all the way around. Make some noise for Nico de Cesar. A Everybody here.
He comes right from the middle of the room, you're seeing it live, just like the good old days, from inside the room. One of your own. My guess guaranteed he does better than the last two guys. Dead it has to be.
Cesari everybody.
How you doing?
Sorry, forgot to masturbate today.
I'm Nico, I'm from Boston. Happy Juneteenth. I haven't said the n-word once today, I'm just kidding.
I listen some rap music on the way over here.
So growing up in Boston, you can understand, I had a very progressive father, I.
Noticed here a lot of guys they don't wear flip-flops. I like that, because where I'm from, we don't wear flip-flops either. I.
Was always told flip-flops are for faggots.
And it was mostly just the thing my dad said, but as I got older, I understood it more because.
You saw guys walking down the street and you just heard.
And it made a lot more sense.
Swishy pants are gay, too.
They also make him done. Thank God, Nico de Cesari, ladies and gentlemen, the crowd goes absolutely wild. They are so desensitized to comedy that all you had to do was come up here and rattle off about shits gay and you fucking killed. Somehow, they rooted for their own.
One of the insiders, Nico de Cesari. How do you feel, my friend? I feel fucking awesome. I love that. You think I just noticed right now the shorts that you're wearing, yeah, while talking about all the shit.
That's gay, you came up here. I mean, oh my god, that is absolutely incredible, that's for you to wear those and talk about gay shit, that is just criminal.
That's like me looking like me and talking about gay shit. Nico, welcome to the show. Have you ever done stand-up before? Never in my life. Wow, oh.
My God, this is the only show in the world where you can go back-to-back. Comedians. Four years solid. Not a funny thing, not a movement from the room. And then, first time ever on stage, another guy had a window between 100 and 300 times on stage, flatlined in the room. Hold on a second.
The great Ahmed Johnson from the WWE just walked in everybody.
So Nico, let's talk about it, Where are you from? What's going on? I'm from Boston, but revere Massachusetts.
Okay, Rogan lived there for like, part of his life. Okay, is that where he grew up? Yeah, I grew up, right?
No, with my family's from there. Okay, very good. Absolutely, that makes sense. And here you are, full circle. The most successful person ever from Revere, Yeah, owns the club that you're in right now, and you're one of the least successful people ever. From a beer, you're wearing those shorts. If he knew Joe Rogan knew that someone was wearing those shorts on stage, you wouldn't be here.
Yeah, yeah, there'd be a Navy seal with a red laser on your chest right now.
Okay, so let's talk about it. What do you do for work? Nico? I'm in real estate development and Family has a body shop.
My family's body shop. Okay, I love it. family's got a body shop. Yeah, that's cool, it's on a buddy. Okay, how's it going out?
There is a business booming. Yeah, it's good, cars are breaking down, everybody's crashing, texting to drive in. I love it.
It's great, I love it. phenomenal. Hell yeah, yeah.
Why are you dressed like the camp counselor that fucks the female camp counselors instead of the guy that fucks the camp counselors?
Hell yeah, you do seem like a ladies man, you've got the hair, you got swag. You're calling shit gay while looking kind of gay. What's your love life like? Can you give us like a?
What's your body count? I got HPV, so that counts.
All right, I got enough count there, but I am Austin brother. Yeah, I was here actually for my bachelor party and this was the last night we stayed, an extra night to come here. Wow for the show, Holy shit.
So wait a second. You came to Austin to celebrate your bachelor party, stayed an extra night for kill. Tony signed up your odds of getting up over 1 in 200 and here you are. Yeah, that's incredible, so you'd love me.
When do you get married? I'm getting married in August. Okay, let's talk about it. What does this girl do?
She's she worked at a hotel, then code, fuck that up, now she's in digital operations or some shit, I don't know.
I don't really know she's, she's wonderful.
She has a job. Use your left hand grab the middle of that. Yeah, it's sure that'll work. Yeah, there you go.
Now you can stand straight up. Yeah, I'm used to a hundred, yeah, look like Quasimodo hunchback of Revere Beach over here.
Okay, so where'd you meet this girl? I met her in college and then we started dating a couple years after we graduated.
Okay, and you met her in college? Yeah, okay, so you haven't had much time to be a womanizer at all, huh? No, I started early, yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, all right, you were just plowing through them on the right. Yeah, very sexually jaded from a young age.
I was the youngest of three boys, so there's a lot of pornographic material in the house.
Why were you sexually jaded? A lot of pornographic material in the house? Okay, I guess we have different definitions of the word jaded, but okay, yeah, all right. And do you have any special moves in the bedroom?
Is there any revere beach specials like that? This girl that you have like, do you have any special mood?
Not with my girl because she's very nice, I don't do bad things, but uh.
How about another girl? What any other girls that you're fucking? Do you have any special moves in the bedroom?
Well, I'm, I'm a chronic masturbator, so I mean, it's mostly when she's cooking, I'm in the closet, just like.
Is that true?
Yeah, okay. How many times do you masturbate at least twice a day, really?
Yeah, why in the closet, cuz he's gay?
So you masturbate twice a day and you still have a healthy love life. Yeah, yeah, okay, what, what is going on?
30.
30.
Yeah, all right, so wow, that is incredible. How many times do you have sex a day or a week?
Try to do at least twice a week, twice a week.
Don't you think you'd have more if you didn't masturbate in the closet twice a day? For sure, for sure, it's just so much easier to jerk off. But this is like, a good girl, you seem to imply she's a really sweet, good girl, you don't even know what she does for work.
We watch the show every Monday, so next Monday she's gonna fucking kill me. Okay, I have good news for you. You have three weeks for three episodes ahead right now, but it's not gonna be August just yet.
What's your go-to porn?
When you're in the closet, what is it? you use your phone? I like you, you look it up on your phone when you're in the closet. And when you have like a bottle of lotion in there, you just dry, hand it your own belt, and okay, all right, I like it. Leave it from a guy to revere to have.
The British are coming, you know? Hey, it's a little American history reference for y'all. Very rarely do I get to do a Paul Revere joke on this show.
Seriously, what kind of porn do you watch in the closet? I like large white asses, large white asses. Okay, no, is it specifically?
The ass itself has to be large, or you into like a more plump type of girl. No, big ass is fun, so what do you look up? big asses? big ass hog? Ah, pogs a good one.
I actually have been in the I've been in fun, I'm. There's something about when, it's when, when, when going to porn, there's something about a just a real fucking meaty bitch, that there's just something about it.
Brian, Do you have any tips for the guys? Yes, we're going to our senior big white ass correspondent, Brian.
Hey, listen, I'm, I'm. I'm offended that y'all would get your stereotypes mixed up on Juneteenth. It's it's skinny niggas, they're like fat, white bitches, it's not.
Fat black dudes, they fat black women, right? any black dudes, they fat white women, right, right. There's like, Flip, I like the weight on her shoulders or some shit like that, right?
It's like there's always stereotypes are affected by the weight of the individual. Is your wife a big girl? No, she's skinny.
Well, no, I met her. She lost like a ton of weight when I met her. She was very voluptuous when I met her and then she. What happened? How did she lose?
I think it was just like post-college, like beer weight or gosh, she's gonna kill me.
Now what she is? she is gorgeous, I love her. You already said you're into big asses and she doesn't have a big ass.
You're just, that's that's porn, porn's different porn, it's totally different.
Porn is different. I'll give you that the way she's gonna see it.
You're gonna be having another bachelor party about a year, dog, yeah.
I mean, she is gonna see this. You have dug yourself in a little tiny bit of a hole, oh yeah, and I wouldn't be surprised if you started masturbating in that hole. But since she's gonna see this. And you're getting married in two months and this comes out in three weeks, why don't you? Uh, why don't you look at that camera right there? Yoni? come on in here, get really, really close, all the way in, all the way in Yoni? And why don't you look directly at that camera and tell her what you think about her?
Kelly, I love you.
I'm so excited to marry you. I'm sorry for what I said. You understand it. I love you.
Okay, okay.
My friend, you are the first person tonight to get a big joke, but.
Represent absolutely awesome. Congratulations. There he goes, Nico de Cesari, ladies and gentlemen.
And in an unbelievable turn of events. Ladies and gentlemen, I've pulled another name out of the bucket. And again, this never happens anymore, and this part never happens where it's back-to-back. I've pulled another inside name. Everybody. So another one of yourselves, the person that's done the best so far tonight.
Another insider Make some noise for Brett, Sholin Ben, or Shonin Ben, or Shola Ben. Well, here he is, you're seeing it live in the flesh, Brett, show, leave in or show Bob, I'm in.
Charlotte.
Shower bin?
We have to get a girl, oh.
My God, so you ever do that thing where you kind of feel like you're very intuitive with your partner and you're with your friend fishing? You drop your phone in the water and then you'd call your girl from your phone. Then she picks up and she's like, Oh, hey babe. I was hoping it's gonna be you. But then you realize, Oh, you think it's all sweet and everything, but it's like, I'm calling you from my friend's phone.
But, you know, it's so cool that we're connected like that.
Yeah, not fun.
Thank you.
So you, there's times you can, like I was married, and you start realizing things are going a little bit south. When I met my wife, she was all like, You know, you can make me laugh all the time. I really love that, no matter how bad the day. Well, the first time I took the stage, like everybody in the room, was laughing a few times, but she was the only one.
Not, and it's probably the bad time to take the stage at her funeral.
Adorable. It's funny how, like, the people from the inside are so much realer than the professional comedians that supposedly wait and are dying. To be up here, you seem like you don't even give a fuck, and it's great, it shows it seems real. Brett, what's your last name?
I can't quite read this, Shane lieben, Shane lieben, it's German, Oh yes, we can tell.
It's blicked and blocked in its German. Yes, we know, thank you, I love it, Brett, so welcome to the show.
Thank you. How many Jews did you kill in World War two? Two? Okay, very good. you killed that you killed none of them here tonight.
So let's talk about a bread. You've done stand-up before? No, okay, how about a hand? It's his first time, everyone.
Let's find out what's real and what's not. Yeah, were you really married? I was, Yeah, okay, you're not anymore.
No, did she really die? Yeah, oh my goodness, what happened?
Overdose.
I.
I'm staring at the lights right now. And so did she at one point, huh?
Okay, what did she overdose on? Was it that sweet dick?
No.
Blondes A. She was taking ketamine from her where she was working, and then she couldn't get it, I guess, and she took something else.
Yes, I hope all you austinites, yeah, are listening to this fucking ketamine addicts. All right. Yeah, I got real in here.
Just that people are like, Wait, you ran out of ketamine, what the fuck?
Everybody was thinking what I was thinking like. That doesn't sound like an accidental, like you see was still a shit from work. Sound like she. But when you say accidental overdose, I thought, you mean like it was some prescribed medication that she took too many? Well, she was on Xanax and stuff too, and there's a mix.
Damn, how long were you married for?
About 15 years, 15 years. When did that happen?
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