#1994 - Theo Von
2023-06-06 02:52:42
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Austin, Texas, what a pop you got last night. That was a lot of pressure.
That was a lot of pressure.
They went crazy. One of the nice things about these shows that we do is that no one knows who's going to be on them. These Joe Rogan and Friends shows. So it could be a surprise. You were a surprise last night.
Yeah. And we got video of it. Is it on the Mothership Instagram? That's actually a better name than Mothership. Yeah, right?
Oh, yeah.
Look at this. Do they have a pop? All right, here we go.
Oh, yeah. I love that.
Bro,
you got a standing. O. What's up?
Crazy, dude.
You spent the first 30 seconds of your set high-fiving people.
Come on, son. Look at this. Look at this.
It was crazy. Some dude threw some semen up at me, I think.
Real semen?
Like in that movie, Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, I don't know if it was real or not.
Yeah, maybe it was a guy locked in the cell.
Yeah, I batted it down. I respected it. But yeah, dude, that was awesome, man. Thank you. Congrats.
My pleasure.
Congrats, because I remember last time I was here, you just walked me through and you're like, this is where the light's going to go when you go on. You had everything to it, too.
How long ago was that?
That was last July.
Okay. So last July, we hadn't even raised the floors yet, right?
Y'all were just talking about it.
Yeah, that was before we lowered the ceiling and raised the floors. So you got in. when it looked like a movie theater. It still looked like the old movie theater, right?
Yeah, I think you were just talking about adjusting the floor heights and doing something like that. Yeah, dude, it was awesome. I mean, that was crazy. That was probably – that was a highlight of my – I mean, that was a highlight of my life, I think.
I think so, too.
Because you get to be a surprise. There's not as much surprises anymore in the world, you know?
It's true.
So to have a moment where you're part of a surprise, I think, felt really good.
Yeah, that's what it looked like. Yeah. So when you were there, it was all rough and everything was just beginning. So you were there in the early days. It's weird to be in there now because – I mean, I don't want to sound crazy, but I feel like that place has always been there.
It's weird.
Like the club has always been there?
Yeah, the club. It's like it was waiting for us, like a Stephen King book, for real. Like that – I've never been in a building that felt more like it was conscious. The place feels conscious. My daughter's into ghosts and shit.
And she has this thing that she puts on, this headphone. that's connected to some box. And someone will ask questions and the box will pick up like random signals. And you're blindfolded and you listen to this. And so they do this to test places for ghosts.
And she says that place is haunted.
She said the club is?
Yeah.
Oh, I believe that. I could see it being haunted probably.
She's also 12..
Well, I'm older than her, but I would agree with her. probably. I mean, I could see there being – I will say this. It felt like there was some kind of –. I can understand when you say this feels like it should have been there over time in history.
Like it's already, like it was just supposed to land there, you know?
That's what it feels like. It really does.
It was cool, man. I walked into the green. It was just crazy. There's like that big snake. There's like a snake in the table.
Yeah. And then they had Ron White is sitting there, you know? And then Tom Segura was in there. Dave Attell was in there. Louis Katz.
Crazy. Ian. I don't know Ian's last name, but. Yeah, dude. It was awesome, man.
And just to see it come to fruition. I think that's the thing that was really exciting. It was like, wow, like if somebody thinks about something and they're really focused on it, that they can make something real.
You can actually make something happen. Yeah. And I've never done that before. This is the first time I've ever done that.
It was – yeah, I think it was inspiring, probably in ways I don't even realize, because sometimes you get inspired and then it like just hits you later, you know? Yeah. But it was awesome, man. Thank you. It was cool.
My pleasure.
Yeah, you did – I mean you – yeah, you guys are making it happen.
Yeah, it's crazy. It is. Yeah, it's – but, you know, I always kind of knew you could do something like that, but doing it, actually doing it and actually watching it take place. And doing it like relatively low stress. It was relatively low stress.
Like, you know, except for a few issues that you have to deal with at the club, it's not a big deal.
Yeah.
You know?
And y'all don't have food, right? Yeah, that's a big one. Oh. Fuck food. Yeah, all the condiments and all of that just stains everything and gets on everything, I feel like.
Not only that, you get roaches and all kinds of other shit.
Roaches love ketchup, I bet. Do they?
Everybody loves ketchup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like ketchup on hot dogs.
Oh, dude, I bet if you could really get it out of a roach, if you fucking tickled him hard enough, he'd tell you he liked it.
I like relish. Relish is my favorite. Yeah, but we got food next door on both sides of us.
Yeah, they got everything.
Shitty Mexican food and shitty pizza.
Yeah. Just what comics deserve, too.
We got some good pizza last night, though. I'm not eating it, but Attell got something from some high-end pizza place. Hoboken something, pizza, something.
He's the funniest man. Yeah, they had a lot of ghost stuff. Like, I grew up in Louisiana, right? And so ghosts and stuff was a big part of the history, you know, especially in the South. You know, I think...
What do you think a ghost is?
A ghost?
Probably just some busybody that just didn't get all their stuff done.
Ooh, they were lazy when they were alive, so they'd hang around after... You know what it's like? It's like those dudes who would hang around the high school after they already graduated. Like, what are you doing, loser?
Yeah, look at this ghost over here. Yeah, look at this ghost. Oh, they had a dude who was always dating an underage chick. And he'd come and hand the McDonald's over the fence at our school. Oh, God.
How old was he?
Oh, everybody thought he was damn Prince Charles. Everybody thought he was the luckiest guy in the world. But yeah, he was older. He just was an adult.
Like a 20-year-old adult? Or like a 30-year-old adult? It gets exponentially creepier. If you just graduated and you're 18 and your girlfriend is 17,, that shit is completely normal. But if you're 19 and she's 17,, people start to look a little sideways.
Huh, that extra 12 months makes a big difference. If you're 20 and she's 17,, people will get very upset with you. Even in places where it's legal. Where it is legal, in a few places, which is kind of weird.
Yeah, and if you are 35 and she's 17,, you can't be a comedian anymore.
Are you sure?
I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? Who knows?
I don't know. But it's weird. what's legal versus what's okay. It really depends on men, right? Because with men, like if a 17-year-old boy— If some 40-year-old lady fucks a 17-year-old boy, I'm like, All right, dude, how was it?
Is she crazy? What's going on? If she's hot and he's not coerced and drugged, who cares? But if a 40-year-old man is banging a 17-year-old girl, I get very upset. Yep.
Isn't that interesting? It's a very different standard for men and women.
Well, now I think a lot of women can be— They can manipulate men, too.
Of course they can. They've always been able to do that.
Right, but that never really gets brought into context. A lot of older teacher women, they can manipulate a young fellow.
Oh, they're getting busted all the time. They're always getting busted. But they get this. They get, Don't do that again. Hey, stop blowing kids.
That's what they get. They get a little slap on the wrist. They don't go to jail. Do they go to jail for blowing kids? No.
You think they don't?
No, I think they have a little fucking trial and everything. And they go, Hey, get out of here. Just go. Crazy dick sucker.
Yeah, we're going to get you an Uber. You need to go home.
Unless she's trying to get the 17-year-old to impregnate her. Then you need to go to jail, you freaky bitch.
Yeah, I think I'm—.
You're ruining some 17-year-old's life.
With a kid, yeah.
Well, not just a kid. A kid with you. He doesn't know what's going on. He's just trying to bust a nut. Then, all of a sudden, he has the responsibility of raising a child, and you're making him get a job, and he's got to fucking pay bills.
What about his future?
Why?
He doesn't have the job and get to school and do it all and take care of the kid. I don't think a child—.
Well, good news is, it takes nine months for the kid to come out. So you have nine months of prep time where you get your shit together.
Do a lot of men, you think, use that time to really grow up? You think that's why God made it that long of a time period?
I do not think God had men in mind when he was doing that, no. If there is a God, I think they just wanted to make sure that— A baby is a complicated organism. Very complicated. More complicated than any other child of any other animal that's ever been born. Human babies are the weirdest.
Really?
Yeah, that's why they come out so vulnerable. Every other animal comes out, and they can move around. For the most part. Although I did see a deer just a couple of days ago on my street. I was going for a walk, and the mama deer bounced off a little, and I saw this little tiny baby deer squatted down and laid down in the grass.
Because that's what they do when they're really, really young. They can't run away from anything, so their best strategy is to kind of blend in and hide. That's why they have those white dots all over their body. The white dots, like, say, if they're in grass, the white dots obscure their shape. So predators might not see.
And I think there's something about their smell. Google that. We finally have internet again. Google, what is the smell of newborn fawns. Because I think there's like some strategy that nature has with their smell.
Yeah, the baby deer has no scent. So predators that may depend on their sense of smell have difficulty finding the young deer. The mother, always close at hand, tends to circle back towards where her baby lies to get the attention of the predator. Yeah, that's what they did with us.
They're like that, deer.
Oh, it's false. It says it's false. What the fuck is the first one from? The Henderson State University. What a shit, fucking university.
No, go to the top. Is that where it's from? That's it. What a fucking... Hey, I got my fucking degree from Henderson.
Dan Henderson. He's the principal.
I asked him what baby deer smell like. He goes, what are you, a fucking douchebag smelling deers? This is false. Oh, fucking pop-up for a fucking outdoor tactical backpack. This is false.
Their unique scent is how their mothers identify them. In fact, they urinate on their tarsal glands daily, even when just a few days old.
Oh, they're freaks, man.
They're pissing on themselves, going crazy. Elk piss on themselves when they're horny. Really? Yeah, their dick gets hard and their dick flops up and down. when they scream.
They go... Their dick flops and they start pissing all over themselves. They piss all over themselves.
I've never been that.
Look at this guy.
I've never been that, horny.
This dude's horny as fuck. He's a young fella. That's not a big elk. Even though they're big, because they're all big. But that is like a smaller elk.
That's like a 300-inch elk. If I had to guess. Cam Haines might correct me. Look at his dick, though.
Scratching on the ground. And he's trying to get his scent everywhere.
He's got that limb on him, huh? Mm-hmm.
Look, his dick's flopping around. See, he's pissing all over himself. And then he's laying around. He's like... They want to fuck so bad.
That's Joe's juice right there. That thing is serving, huh?
You know what's crazy about them? They're only horny like that for like a month.
Yeah, thank God, dude. They would ruin a schoolyard. Oh, they do ruin a schoolyard. If they ran onto a schoolyard.
If they're horny and people get stupid... Oh, take a selfie. They get fucking speared by a 700-pound super athlete.
I would hate having that much wiener, I feel like. Really?
You don't know. until you have it. You just have to find the right gals.
No, I don't think so. You think so?
I think so. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't show me this. Don't show me this. Yeah, I think this one was okay.
This actually wasn't the one I was looking for. Oh, you crazy bitch. Get the fuck away from that thing. Jesus Christ. The bison, kind of attacked, but it didn't keep attacking.
Why are people so goddamn stupid for the gram? You know how many people have died taking selfies? I saw this video the other day on Instagram of this lady who died taking a selfie on the side of a cliff.
And can you imagine, too, because you know what's going on. There's a moment where you realize, oh, I'm taking a selfie and I'm going to die.
No, I don't think they realize it until it's too late. See, I was posing for a picture here, and the bison sort of said, get the fuck away from me. Yeah, he just gave her a little of that. Like, get the fuck away. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Look at her. She's so uncoordinated.
Yeah, she was too.
With her stupid backpack filled with fucking Capri Suns. She's falling down.
Fucking potato chips in her backpack and shit.
Oh, dude, I saw a monkey and a young black woman fight over a bag of chips. There's a bunch of those, if you look up.
Monkeys will steal your shit.
Cambodia, yeah.
They will steal your shit. They will run up on your table and steal your food right off your plate. Fuck you.
Yeah.
Fuck you. Give me that sandwich. And they just run off with it.
They don't care, man.
They don't care. Did you hear about, was it India where the monkeys started jacking puppies? In India, a dog killed a monkey, so these monkeys went on a rampage and started chucking puppies off roofs. They would carry puppies to the top of roofs and were like, right! Fucking, chuck them off the roofs.
Like a Maltese.
Monkeys blamed for hundreds of puppy deaths captured in India. So they'd bring them up to the top of a fucking building and throw them. Villagers claim animals were carrying out revenge killings after dogs killed an infant monkey. Speaking of which, have you seen what's going on with orcas? Uh-uh.
So a female orca, the matriarch, the head of this female orca pack, the head of this orca pack.
When you say orcas, what are you talking about?
Killer whales.
Oh, damn.
Alright. That's an orca. So they started sinking boats and they're teaching each other how to sink boats. Apparently, this boat fucked up one of these orcas. Because sometimes what happens is something will go wrong and a propeller will hit.
They've happened all the time with sharks. It's happened with whales. Propellers will fuck up a dolphin or an orca.
My friend Dave got pushed off a boat and he got hit by it. We went over him. He got pushed off the front. Oh, jeez. And it fucking hit him.
Where did it hit him?
I'm not sure. He wasn't that great to start off with, but it didn't help him. But I don't think it harmed him much. It helps some people. Some people get whacked and it helps them.
It helps them.
Kenison and Roseanne are my two favorite examples. They both got hit by cars.
Wildest people I know. Well, I don't know Kenison, but I know Roseanne real well. She got hit by a fucking car when she was 15.. Bad. She was in a mental institution for nine months afterwards.
Wow. She was a straight A student. She couldn't count afterwards. She couldn't do math. Couldn't do anything.
That's unreal.
The lady, she was driving towards the sun, and the lady couldn't see. And Roseanne walked right into the street when she was 15 and got fucking clipped by a car from back then. You know, those big old fucking sleds.
Oh, those things.
Caprice or something like that. Some giant fucking.
Those LTDs or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some big ass, stupid fucking car just cracked her. So this is an Orca attack in Portugal. So they started doing this. They say the bow.
suddenly, something hit us. So this is from 2021.. But what I'm talking about is very recently. This was in the article that was explaining it. This is just an example of it.
So it's happening quite a bit off the Iberian coast. The Iberian Orca has taught at least nine other whales to attack and destroy rudders.
Wow, so it's like a Middle Eastern thing?
I just think it's a thing with a particular area where the Orcas in that particular area have had problems with people. I see. And so they've decided to let them know who the fuck is the boss.
Take action.
Yeah, they're fucking on people's boats. It's hard to tell what's happening in the video, but they explain. Bro, I bring fish. I'd be like, I'm not that, dude. I'm your friend.
Here's a mackerel.
Here's a mackerel. Here's a can of tuna. I would bring them.
Yeah, but they might be a little upset about the can.
I'd put it on a plate. I'd plate it for them.
I don't think they like plates either.
Oh, that's a good point.
You know, actual full mackerel is the way to go. You know, tuna is just for us. Like tuna fish in a can.
Yeah.
Isn't it weird that that one fish we decided to just fucking can up all the time, like turn into sandwiches, everything.
Yeah.
Like tuna, salad, tuna, this, tuna, that. It's all tuna.
Yeah, tuna really got the, it's gotten the brunt of it, huh?
Oh, my God.
I bet other fish are like, uh.
Thank God we're not tuna.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, they're like the most canned fish ever.
Yeah.
Right? Like what gets canned? They can some salmon.
Yeah, but canned salmon, I think, is a little pricier too.
Much more. There's a really good company. I forget what the company's called, but they do wild caught. They all do line caught salmon. So you're getting wild salmon, not raised, and then they can it.
Mm.
So it's real good for you.
My sister used to have a bass that was in their house, and it was like, it couldn't even turn around in the tank. Oh, that's fucked up. I don't think it, minded.
I bet it did.
I don't know.
Of course it did.
It lived there for a long time.
That's what they say to guys in solitary. I don't think he minds.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
He's by himself in there. Especially if it's a bass, you can't talk to him. You know, he's probably like, get me the fuck out of here. I want to be on a lake. Yeah.
I want to be eating frogs, you cunt.
He's just watching Cops out of one eye with my sister.
He's watching 90 Day. Fiance. What the fuck is wrong with people? Keep me in this goddamn bowl. I'm a bass.
You stupid fuck. I used to have piranhas.
Yeah, of course you did, man. Who doesn't think you did?
I had this one house that I lived in when I was living by myself. There was like an indoor courtyard to this house. And I literally actually consulted construction people. I was going to create, like a miniature Jurassic Park in this courtyard. I was going to seal it off and put crocodile monitors in and have like a little hatch where I could release a rabbit.
And watch them kill it?
And watch them kill it, yeah. But then I had like a come to Jesus moment. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Yeah.
Why do you want to do that?
Oh, I think it would be... I would like to have a small something like that, maybe in the home. You know?
I did like having the piranhas.
And was that where you... And were you... Was that like a goal of yours, do you think? Or were you just like, okay, this is my first place. I want to design it how I want.
Or were you just... It was... Because that's a big thing to think about.
It was my first getting money. Yeah. First thing I got with money, I got a nice car. I'm like, ooh, got a nice car now. And then I was like, what other shit can I have?
I didn't have any responsibilities back then. I was 27.. Free. Yeah. Free as a bird.
And I just was buying stupid shit. You know? I had three pit bulls.
Dang, bro. That's sick, man.
They were great dogs, though. Yeah. They're the best dogs, man. Well, I won't say that. My dog is the best dog.
The golden retriever, they're the best pet ever. They're just so full of love and they're just so... But there's something about pit bulls, man. They're just so loyal. They love you so much.
Really? You think more than a different type of dog?
I don't know, man.
I don't know. I wonder if we could tell... I wish we could tell how much dogs love us or not, you know?
My dog is like so domesticated. He's so sweet and he's not, like, remotely threatening to anybody. Anybody comes over the house, you're my best friend. Like, if you come over my house tonight, he'd be like, Theo! He'd be, like, so happy.
He'd be whining and running around you in circles and stuff. He just loves everybody. But pit bulls are, like, they're just... They just have so much more tenacity. They're so angry.
Yeah. They're just so full to fucking just... And they just want to play and just want to kiss you. and they just, like... They're so full of life.
Yeah, they'll fucking hug you till you're dead, too.
Oh, they want to... When I would come home from work, my dogs would literally, like, just jump on me. Just jump on me. I would lay on the ground and they would just swarm me and kiss me.
Yeah, they almost have ground game a little bit, huh?
They got a little ground game. I used to teach them. Yeah? I'd get side control on them. I'd teach them how to hip escape.
I'd be like, boy, you gotta put your paw here.
Gotta create space. I'd get him in a rear naked choke. No, shrimp. I'd take his back. He loved it.
Dude, my friend, when I was working, when I was in... I was in the busboy industry a long time ago, you know? And the first gay I ever met, the first gay dude I ever met, this dude, Billy Conforto.
How old were you?
I was probably 14, right?
That was the first gay you ever met?
Yeah, that I ever met straight on.
Was he 14, too?
No, no, he was probably 30.. So, and he was like the toughest gay dude, so he could fight and he was gay. Nobody had ever seen it, you know?
That's scary for a homophobe.
Oh, totally.
Some dudes will fuck you up and suck your dick.
Oh, that's the biggest fear.
Or make you suck his.
That's the crazy part. With no teeth? Yeah.
He punches all your teeth out.
Oh, that's gotta be crazy. So that changed the game for a lot of homophobes, because they're like, who's this queer, you know?
Oh, dude.
And then you're like, oh, if that dude knocks me out and then makes love to me, it's gonna be a 0 for 2 tonight, you know?
Yeah, that's more than two points. That's like a 10-8 round.
But Billy had pipples, and he sold weed and everything, and we'd get so high, and then I would get so scared of the dogs, man, that I had to go outside a lot of times.
Oh, yeah.
Because I couldn't, he was like more, he'd be a lot more comfortable around them and stuff, but I would get high, and then I would just get scared around the dogs.
Well, it's the dog that can kill you. Right. That's what's crazy. That was it. They're real sweet and everything, and if you get a good one, you train them right and raise them right.
They're so loyal, and they're so affectionate, but the power that they have is so wild.
Yeah, I mean, Billy would put on an Adidas tracksuit and make them attack things in his yard and shit.
Oh, so he was training them to be like that.
He was, but he also loved them, but he also was from a tough area, so there was a value in having the dogs be tough.
Yeah, there's a lot of people that have that, right? They have dogs that are just protection around their house all the time. If you live in a rough area, there's no better thing than dogs. They let you know when people are there, everyone's scared of them. It's not, you know, they'd rather break into a house that doesn't have dogs.
Oh, a lot of people, if they didn't have a dad, they would have a dog, you know, I guess.
Yeah, yeah. If you're young, yeah, you have a few dogs.
The wife would get a dog a lot of times if they didn't have a husband, I remember. Yep. But there was a lot of dangerous dogs in my neighborhood growing up.
The problem is when they get loose.
Oh yeah.
When you have dangerous dogs, you don't do a good job of containing them. I was always worried about my dog getting out. My dog, Frank Sinatra, he was a pit bull that was bred for hog hunting in Hawaii. They breed them different and they breed, they actually have longer ears. It's really interesting.
They're almost like Labrador ears because the whole idea is that they're picking up scent. You know, dogs pick up scent with their ears. That's why bloodhounds have those crazy long ears. Really? Uh-huh.
As they're running, it's like, you know how you fart and you like waft up. the smell? Like, ooh, what is that? Yeah. Jesus Christ.
Well, dogs are doing that with their ears. as they're running. They're wafting up these scents. So they could pick up little minuscule particles of scents as they're wafting up. And my pit bull had longer ears.
He had ears almost like a Labrador, but he was a pure pit bull. Big fucking head, jack body. And he would, oh, like dogs would come, like dogs that were loose, would come to the fence and fuck with him. And he would go crazy. He just couldn't get to them and they would be fucking with him.
And one dog pissed on his fence, like just lifted his leg. A Labrador came by, pissed on his fence. And so he started slamming his head into the metal bars, his wrought iron metal bars. And he slams his head into the bar. And he's like mostly head, right?
Yeah. His balls are like 50% head. And he's just like fucking.
And he gets his fucking head through. And I hear all this noise and I'm alone in the house. And then I hear this noise. And I look out the window and I see Frank with his head like wedged between the bars. And I see this dog right outside the gate that was pissing.
And I was like, oh my god, he's going to get out. And so I run up to the fence. And I get to him right when his ass pops through. He bent the bars. And he got out.
And so it's me running down the street in my socks chasing this dog.
Fucking handy-do Frank, baby.
He plowed this dog right into a pile of trash cans. Right in my neighbor's trash cans. And I got a hold of his collar right before it got ugly. I'm like motherfucker. So then I had to have another bar welded all around the perimeter of my fence.
To keep him from separating the bars. So this Israeli dude came over here. And he was the welder guy. The fence guy. And he's like, what happened to your fence?
And I said, the dog did it. He goes, this fucking fence. This dog bent this fucking fence with his head? I go, yeah, the dog peed out there. He goes, bro.
I go, yeah, that's a crazy dog. It's a different kind of dog.
Oh, that's Mike Perry, dude.
It's a different kind of dog. Different kind of dog. They don't care about pain. Pain doesn't mean a fucking thing to them. They just want to get you.
Just want to get out. Like this dog was like. I don't think the dog was. I think the dog was like being friendly. Like, oh, smell my pee.
You know, he's a Labrador. Right, he's just like goofing around.
I'm like, I'll piss over here.
He's in a frat.
He's like, oh, I'm going to see you again.
Probably didn't even know what a pit bull was. This dog's a lot wilder than me. Yeah. What's going on over here?
Oh, God. That dog's wearing a. That dog has a chain.
I had this one neighbor that had a dog that he never trained. I mean, at all. It was basically a wild dog that he fed. It was a boxer. And this dog wouldn't listen to anybody.
When they'd leave him in the house. Like if they left the screen. So, like they left the door open, the screen. The dog would just fly through the screen. Just burst through the screen and go out.
And then he'd come home when he was ready.
And the dog, he just had his own plan or whatever?
They were just idiots. They were really frustrated. Oh, look at this dog. Is that a pit bull too? Yeah.
Yeah. Look at him. That's what he did. That's what my dog did. Oh, yeah.
He'd bend the bars, man.
Yeah, they're a different kind of animal. God. You've got to really make sure that your perimeter is secure with a dog like that. Yeah. But this dog was not a dangerous dog.
It was just a little boxer.
I think I just got so nervous. I think just like I would be so nervous around them. Yeah.
But you should be if they're not trained well.
And we didn't grow up around any dogs. Oh. Except for like dogs that were in our neighborhood. And they were more violent animals. We didn't have any like dogs in our home or any experience around dogs.
I remember the first time I ever even met an indoor dog. I didn't know a dog could even be indoors, right? And I was at my buddy Scott's house, and they had a golden retriever. And this bitch came around the corner, dude. And I was like, who in the fuck is that?
I mean, it was like the most beautiful thing. I mean, it was just like.
Fluffy. Oh, beautiful.
Fucking long blonde hair. It was like Suzanne Somers, dude, just coming. And I was like, damn, that thing is fucking fine, you know? Suzanne Somers. I had just never seen a dog look like they had like gotten a good night's sleep, you know?
Remember Suzanne Somers with the Thighmaster? Yeah. All she had was, this spring, to just tighten up your pussy muscle. Because that's what you're doing. Like, there's a lot of.
Like, it's not squatting for your butt. It's not lunges. You're just tightening up them pussy muscles. Oh, dude.
You're going to squeeze that dick.
Squeeze that dick.
Squeeze that dick. That thing's going to gleek by the time you get done with it, dude.
See if you can find the ad for the Thighmaster. A lot of ladies bought that, too, because they wanted to look like Suzanne Somers. Look, it's just a spring. She's still looking good. She's like a thousand years old.
Oh, yeah. She still looks really good in my head.
One of the biggest blunders in all of television, though. Her and Three's Company.
Three's Company. That was a great show. What happened to it?
Crazy negotiations. She wanted more money. She was demanding more money because she had become a giant star. And so they basically relegated her to. She wasn't even on the show anymore.
There was one episode where she made a phone call and she called them. She was on vacation. That was her in the episode. Her in some totally different location, calling them on the phone. Wow.
And then they eventually replaced her.
Yeah, I remember they got a new woman.
I think it was like she got an aggressive agent. It might have been a husband, one of those deals. I was like, I got this. I'm going to fucking. You deserve more money.
It's just like what happened with Call Her Daddy. That's a similar situation. You know the Call Her Daddy podcast?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Alex. What was her name? Colin. Cooper.
Alex Cooper. Yeah.
She had a co-host. Right. And the co-host had a boyfriend who was an agent.
Something Franklin. Sophia Franklin.
Is that it? Got it. And then Portnoy told us the whole story.
Oh, he did?
Yeah. It was like the dude thought that, like she's going to be this. She's a fucking star. You need to pay her more. And, like, you know, they had a deal.
The deal's a deal. She wanted more. And then there was negotiations. Yeah. Her husband.
Yeah. So her husband, former television producer Allen Hamill, went to negotiate for her, asking for $150,000 a week, which was the average that men were earning on television at the time. Okay. It's not television. That's like saying, well, brain surgeons make this, and I'm a plumber, so I deserve it.
And on par with what her co-star Ritter was making, John Ritter, she said she didn't know at the time that Ritter was making more, since the three of them had a favored nations clause. What does that mean again?
Favored nations, I think is like, what is it?
I thought that means you all make the same amount. Is that what it means?
No, I think it's a Inuit thing, isn't it?
No, no, no, no. That's First Nation. MFN provision is a term including a contract for products or services that prevents the seller from selling its products or services to the buyer's competitors for a lower price or on better terms.
Oh, I thought this bitch was a Choctaw, dude. I didn't know what they were talking about.
Favored nations contract.
I want what she's getting, favored nations.
You know, agents will ruin a lot of stuff.
Oh God, yeah.
It's unfortunate, huh?
Yeah. Omnipresent in entertainment contracts. Certainly it's fair, the post-exposure, the favored nations clause, are relatively simple to describe. They're a contractual commitment that no other relevant party will receive better or more advantageous terms from the party making the commitment. That makes sense.
So if you and I were doing a show, we would have a favored nations deal where we both make exactly the same amount of money, which is fair. So she probably didn't know that he was getting paid, because John Ritter was a giant star at the time.
Yeah, and that is, oh yeah, John Ritter.
Yeah, John Ritter.
He was incredible.
He did an episode of NewsRadio.
Did he really?
Yeah, yeah, he was cool, man. So that was them back in the day, man. It was a great fucking show.
He was so talented.
And the fucking, some guy ruined it.
Didn't? he do Noises Off, that movie too?
What was that, Noises Off? I don't know what that, is that? a deaf movie?
I don't know. Dude, I'll tell you this. One time I was walking down the street in New York and they had a deaf group or whatever, like a gaggle or whatever, I don't know what it's called, but they got together and they were outside of a bar talking. and I'm walking up and I'm like, I thought maybe the world had shut off or something, and I couldn't hear, because I'm seeing all these people interacting, but nobody was, there was no sound. Oh.
And I get close and...
Here it is, Noises Off. Never seen this, I don't even know. What is Noises Off? Oh, I do recognize that scene with Christopher Reeves.
Oh, I thought John Ritter was in there.
Yeah, he is, he is, he is. He is. They were doing a theatrical play, but it's a movie.
Yeah, it's a movie. Oh. It's like one shot, it never ends or something.
Oh, interesting. Okay.
But...
Hmm. Is it good? Yeah. Something to check out?
It's an old movie, yeah.
He was a real, sweet guy. He was real, everybody loved him. He was on the set of News Radio for a week and just a super nice guy. Like, sometimes you meet people and you hope they're going to be nice because they're nice. on TV, you know, but they're not.
And it's really frustrating, it's weird, like they're creepy to you or they're shitty to you because you're an actor and you're like, Oh, wow, you're kind of a cunt. You're fake. You're faking it for television, but in real life you're like this weird, snipey, sort of shitty, fucking, insulting person. Yeah. I met a few of those too.
Yeah?
Yeah. It's very frustrating, because you're like, God, I thought you were nice. I saw you on TV, you were nice. I'm just trying to say hi, and you're a fucking cunt to me.
Yeah. Yeah, we were supposed to, Michael Landon was supposed to come to our town.
Aquaman. No, it wasn't Aquaman. The man from Atlantis.
Was he? Yeah. I didn't see that.
Was he on Little House on the Prairie? Yeah. I think he was on The Man from Atlantis too, wasn't he?
Good boy. I remember.
Everybody would swim like The Man from Atlantis when I was a kid. Really? Swim like this because he swam almost like a dolphin. He didn't swim like a person.
Well, dude, you have to think the first people.
Wasn't him? No. No, who was it? Who was The Man from Atlantis? Who was the main actor?
More like Patrick Duffy. Patrick Duffy, that's right. I confused those two.
Well, Joe, you have to think probably the first people. Oh, wow, that dude.
You ever saw this? The Man from Atlantis? Uh-huh. Yeah, that guy's got a hard drive.
Who is that?
He needs to be investigated. Yeah, that was The Man from Atlantis. Oh, really? Yeah, it was like a big show. 1977 and 1978..
Jesus Christ, it only went one year?
Yeah, it was a big show. It was huge. Yeah, Joe, I think you just liked this show for some reason.
He would swim. real funny, man. See if you can find The Man from Atlantis swimming. Because he would swim in this weird way. And so when I was a kid, me and my friends, when we would go swimming, we would fucking copy The Man from Atlantis.
I still swim like that to this day, sometimes when I'm swimming in the pool. Like that. See how he swims?
What? Nobody swims like that.
Yeah, he swam like a fish, man. Watch. Bro. But look how fast he swims. Nobody could fuck with him.
He swam like a dolphin, bro. That's impossible. This is stupid. Look, he jumped up. Grab a fish?
Oh, this is a horrible show. Yeah, he jumped up better than the dolphin did. Totally made sense. This is all. Bro, he's touching her tit.
What's going on there? Oh, he had webbed fingers. Oh, he did? Yeah, he had webbed fingers.
Oh, I'd hate that.
Did he talk? He did if you were swimming. Yeah, he talked.
Yeah, but trying to get a mitten on would just fucking...
That would suck. Mitten would be easy. Glove would be the real problem.
Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, mitten would be great. Mittens are really the move, man. Unless you... I mean, take your fucking glove off, you need to use your fingers. Like, how good are your fingers working when you have a glove on?
Very bad.
Yeah.
But mittens? Your shit stays warm. Ooh, all them little fingers nustling up against each other. Hey, buddy. Keeping each other warm.
I'll even pull the... I'll open the end and be like, y'all. have fun in there, boys. Because they're having a blast in there.
They're having a good time in there. It's a little warm party.
Dude, that's why sometimes I think, like, I would hate to have, like, one of those long wieners. Like, what were we looking at? The elk? Yeah.
You keep going back to that.
Well, you have to think, though, while I was trying to figure out what our conversation, what we were talking about.
But think how much wiener isn't in the recipient.
Right. There's a certain amount of dick. that is a problem. Like, if you have a 12-inch dick,
you're an idiot.
How many people can enjoy that 12-inch dick? Like, how many girls? Probably more guys can take it. You probably might have to go gay. Because guys can take some preposterous dicks.
Yeah, that's a duck dick. Ducks have the craziest dicks. What? Ducks have? dicks that are as long as their body.
Oh, my God. It's corkscrewy. Well, ducks are rapists, by the way. And the female duck does not want that. So the female duck's vagina is not like a straight shot.
It's like a fucking labyrinth. You got to find your way through the passage. And it's got spikes on it. See the little spikes all over the duck dick? Yeah.
Ducks are horrible. When they get a female duck, they rape them. They bite them, and then they just fucking... And so the female duck can allow the male duck in or not in. She can stop the process of...
That's why they have these corkscrew dicks. Like, nature has invented... Oh, to make it through. Yeah, this fucking...
Like when you're trying to get your hand into a vending machine?
Look at the duck vagina, and then look at the duck dick. Even the duck vagina is all curly and twisty. It's not a straight shot. So for the female to let the male in, she has to want to breed.
It seems like neither one of them wants to have sex with the other one.
They definitely do, but the way they do it is awful. Like, I've seen it at, like, a pond. You just go, Jesus, should I step in here? Yeah. Should I stop there?
You see that guy? Guy got arrested because he helped a bison, a baby bison, and they wound up euthanizing it. The mother wouldn't accept it, I guess. There was a baby bison at Yellowstone and it was having a hard time crossing something. And so the guy got out and helped it.
I didn't see it.
Yeah, that's it right there.
Oh, look at that, pervert. Look at him.
He's a nice guy. He was just trying to help the baby bison. So because it was touched, I guess the female just didn't want it anymore. Aw. Because it had the scent of the guy, which is fucking weird.
The herd rejected it. The herd rejected it.
What scent? Like, Winston's?
Well, it smelled humans, yeah. He's got fucking cheeseburgers smelling his fingers and shit. For sure. For sure. Look at him.
Winston's. Camels. No filters.
He's probably good.
What did he smell? Like, fucking ABBA albums and fucking Paul Maltz?
Yeah, exactly. Like, what's on his fingers?
But no, I think I would hate that, man. If you had a long wiener, right? Right. Think of how much wiener is...
Not in there. Yeah.
And just, like, being in the cold, you know?
Your dick would get cold?
Well, I just think, like, you ever been in, like, a sleeping bag or whatever, and your feet are hanging out the bottom?
Right. Your dick would be out and cold.
Yeah, it's like...
The base of your dick would be so lonely. Oh. The base of your dick would get no attention. It would be like a... Yeah.
Plus, it would probably be annoying for a girl. Like, just, I'd like dick. What is this stupid fucking giant dick that hurts?
Yeah, this never-ending dick. It's like watching a long movie, I bet. You know, like, ugh.
You ever watch a porno where a girl is sucking a guy's dick? and it's just ridiculous? It's just like sucking this microphone. It's too big.
Yeah, it's crazy.
That poor guy. The poor girl and poor guy. They must both be frustrated.
Yeah, it's just like watching something. I don't know. A lot of it sometimes, for me, seems like...
Man with world's biggest penis, stuns host with explicit pic. Philip and Josie react to the world's biggest penis. Thirteen and a half inches. Whoa. His name is Jonah Fallon, New York actor.
Wow. Let me see this dude.
I don't want that. I just...
That's the guy?
Oh, my God. That's him, huh?
Yeah. See, that's the kind of dick that you have...
Ooh, look at that wand on him, homie.
That's a hog.
My God, boy. Dang, dude. Imagine getting directions from that guy.
So he's showing it to them. Scroll down. So there, he shows it to them.
That's his hog.
Look at that.
He just showed him his cock. I think he's saying it's about as big as that thing. Yeah, that makes sense. Thirteen and a half inches.
But who wants that? I just feel like, if you had that much... I would just hate it. And say if you're walking to the restroom or something, if you have a cat, that cat's gonna attack that bitch every time.
Probably if you're naked.
Not a chance.
It's a dangling little cat toy.
Oh, dude. You have to basically hold your dick up like this when you walk over to the bathroom.
You can't walk around in it. Oh, that's like guys with inflated balls. 132-pound scrotum. Yeah, that's just a disease, though, right? Yeah, but...
Same problem. He's explaining. But it's a much worse problem, because, like, it's a cancerous sack.
What is that? It's like my 300-pound inmate or whatever.
What makes their balls grow up that big? What do they do about those, by the way? Because more than one dude has had his balls... Yeah, it's called scrotal lymph edema. Edema.
I don't think I want to look up pictures of this. Yeah, you do. You definitely do. But let's get some smelling salts in the system first.
Oh, you want to? Yeah.
We're gonna look up giant scrotums getting operated on. Let's fire up. Oh, Jesus. Let's fire up. Let's fire up.
Let's go. All right. You first.
Oh, man, I've been waiting for this.
Woo! He requests this, ladies and gentlemen.
Here comes Santa Claus right down, Santa Claus Lane.
Take a sniff. Ready? Hit it.
Those are dead.
Yeah. Is it dead? You got it way too deep. That could be the older one, and this could be the newer one, but even still, it's only supposed to last for like a week or two after you open it. This is not good.
This one don't work. Time to order some. We should always have some on hand. Oh, got him. Got him.
Got him. I thought it was going to be dead, and it wasn't. Woo! That must be our most recent one. Yeah.
So let's chuck this one.
Okay.
And let's order some. We'll order like five more. I mean, I had three. I think we've used them all. We've used them all.
Here we go.
Welcome to the DangerZone.
Okay, here we go.
Boy.
Fuck yeah, boy.
It's not fresh, but it's good enough.
But it's strong, yeah.
Let me get one more.
That's good.
This is my high, man.
That works. This guy did it to his eyes. Why'd he do it to his eyes? Maybe it... He's trying to...
Did he get rocked? No, he's trying to wake up to go play, probably. He might have gotten rocked. I don't know. I'm going to bring those to the comedy club.
Yeah.
I'm going to take a blast before I go on stage. Whoa.
Is that Tkachuk?
I'm going to take a blast right before I go on stage.
Dude, you know where I got to...
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