Megan Fox: Burned at the Stake [VIDEO]

Megan Fox, welcome to Call Her Daddy.

When you are late night by yourself, your kids are asleep, what is your favorite thing to do at night usually?

Maybe I need to read it.

We've got to get it together.

Something I also noticed about you is you just announced that you have a whole new sleeve tattoo on Instagram.

what that happened?

I instantly made an appointment to get my arm done. I started it, but the artist I was working with had a different vision than what I wanted. So we got halfway up my arm. Dust in the wind was playing and just that line repeating over and over again. Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sea and your tattoos that you get kept playing.

I was like, okay, I have to stop, because this isn't my vision. It wasn't a bad tattoo. It just wasn't what I wanted. So we stopped with half the tattoo. I kept that for like six months, and then I found an artist to cover it.

Most people would say I'm grounded, but I'm also very impulsive. When I decide to do something, it must be done right. then. I can't decide it and then do it months from now. I can't plan far into the future.

It has to happen instantly. Once I found the cover artist, I was like, we have to get it done. We just did it four days in a row. It was like six hours a day. They won't tattoo usually past six hours in one sitting because your skin starts rejecting the ink.

So I just did it four days in a row and sleeved it. Then it healed very weird. It didn't even peel. It was very weird. It just healed.

It was just fine.

What did you think when you saw the tattoo?

It gives me like Rick Owens. It gives me like, you know, it's like an elevated version of all of those tattoos that were pieced together. I think it's really elegant and it's kind of ahead of its time. I think in 10 years that'll be a trend. I don't know how many people can take that kind of pain.

So I don't know. People will be put to sleep and get the tattoos done. But he did it like fully awake, with no painkillers. Did you go with him? Nothing.

I went to one of the sessions.

Because he's also tattooing on top of tattoos. So you're tattooing the scar tissue, which makes it even more painful. I don't know. I don't know. His liver is also probably not doing well at this time.

Which I think really started. I don't know why it started. There was just like that one time that I said I drink blood ritualistically.

And then everybody was like, wow, she's into satanic rituals.

And they're like, we're best friends forever now. And they would like smush the blood together on their fingers. That's not satanic, right? That's normal and that's cute. That's sweet.

That's like an innocent, like. Little bond. Yeah, it's a little bond between kids who love each other. They have a pure friendship. It's like that, except instead of rubbing your fingers together, the drop of blood goes in your mouth.

And I don't know what, why that becomes satanic. I understand people are like, hey, that's weird. But guess what I think is weird. I think it's weird that girls are out here letting guys come in their mouth and they don't know these guys. You're letting somebody put their sperm in your mouth and you don't know what he does.

He doesn't even have a job. You met him on fucking tender. He's an entrepreneur or whatever. He's in a startup. And you just let him sperm in your mouth.

That's disgusting. That makes my back hurt. That makes me sweaty. So fuck you. You're so offended that I got a drop of Machine Gun Kelly's blood in my mouth.

You have Brandon from Silicon Valley's sperm in your mouth. He didn't even buy you a nice drink.

Because when you give us a little context, it does kind of make fucking sense. And you're right. Anyone can look at it any way. Just like Christianity, when they're drinking wine and they believe it's the blood of Christ. Everyone has their thing.

Let everyone fucking live. What do you give a shit? Are you drinking someone's blood? No. So why do you fucking care?

if I do? It doesn't matter. But this is a great point about the come. We should circle back on that for the women at the end of this episode. And really talk about who should be coming inside of you and your mouth.

And yeah, I appreciate this. What other rumors? Do you have any that come to mind? That's just the main one.

And I'm actually a very spiritual, positive person. Except for recently. Except for recently. I've been going through it a little bit in terms of positivity. But definitely have never been a part of a satanic ritual.

Don't know any people who have been a part of a satanic ritual. I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real. It probably is. I have not been extended an offer to join. I feel like if it was real, I would have been given an offer to join by now.

So yeah, it's just to squash that. Not a satanist. Or any kind of, like an evil witch, light worker. Yes, I do rituals. But that's not a negative thing.

Anything is a ritual. Doing your skincare routine is a ritual. Going to church is a ritual. So I think people have to separate that word. That word has been demonized for so long.

That it's just been very misunderstood. And also, I think we exacerbated it. Because Halloween of that year, I dressed up in bondage with a dog collar around my neck. And he dressed up as a priest. And he was feeding me communion on my knees.

And we played Marilyn Manson's Sweet Dreams. We played that. That was the song to the vet. And people felt like that was a confirmation of the satanic rituals.

Let them think that this is what's going on.

What were you like as a kid?

And I was a tomboy when I was a little kid. I was always outside. I had a very assertive energy as a child. And whenever my mom would get secret psychic readings… Because she was Pentecostal, so that was a no-no to see psychics. They would always read that she had an older daughter and a younger son.

And that the younger son was me. And I'm not really sure why I always came through that way. Except that I have…. No one's going to know what I'm talking about right now. But I have Mars on my ascendant in astrology.

So I have a warrior energy that I was born with. And I think that was translated as being maybe masculine as a child. Because it wasn't docile. But I was a good kid. I was a little mischievous.

And never interested in school. Always knew that that was not for me.

And prior to that, I just remember both my parents were still alive. And so I want to be careful not to drag them. But while also being honest. I remember my mother's depression really affected me very deeply. And it was very visceral for me.

And if I were to draw an image of my mother from my childhood, it would be her. This is not a literal image. But she just always seemed like a soaking, wet blanket. Or like draped over a couch, like weeping. That would be like my image of mother.

Because I was so connected to her sadness. Or her feelings of being unfulfilled. And also her resentment towards relationships. My dad, before I skip ahead. My dad is like really outgoing and funny and charming.

And like really unique and sparkly. And she was not fulfilled in that relationship, for whatever reason. They got divorced. From my perspective, as a three-year-old. He kind of disappeared for a little while.

She immediately got remarried. My stepdad, who was passed, was probably had borderline personality. But back then he was diagnosed, I think, bipolar. And so he was emotionally and mentally and verbally very abusive. To me, not to her.

And he isolated me from her. And just in general, like I wasn't allowed to have friends over. Or like go to anyone's house. So I spent a lot of time isolated in my room.

And wasn't able to really even spend much. He wanted her. I guess he isolated her is really what was happening. But it seemed as though I was the one being isolated. Then I watched her depression through that relationship as well.

And so the messaging that I received. Is that men, and marriage in particular, drain you of your life force. And keep you from being able to express your creativity. Or express your unique desires. And it's an oppressive experience to be in a relationship.

Or to be in love. Or to be married. In particular, being married. Like when I say the word being married. I feel my chakras tighten up.

I feel my back get tight. Even though I was married for a long time. So does that answer your question?

Because prior to that, when I was really young. She was in high school. And she wasn't around much. And she had a boyfriend. And she got married.

And she moved out. So I was alone a lot. And trying to make sense of my mom's depression. And the disconnect. And then the emotional violence coming from my stepfather.

And also wanting to be with my dad more. And not being able to be around him. Because he always was a light. And he still is a light.

But he was separated from me in a way where I couldn't get to the light. It's kind of like you can't get to God. That constant wanting to connect with the father figure. Either spiritually or literally.

And I feel like a lot of times when there's such chaos from the parents. Like there is. I found you can have such an emotional connection to siblings. Because you can look at someone to your right and your left. And be like oh, we're going through the same shit.

Whereas when you're an only child. Essentially, in those moments. You can only internalize. Think what's wrong with me. Or hate what's going on around you.

And try to do the complete opposite of what your parents did. I feel like. obviously we've seen in movies. You play just like the most popular hot girl. And when you got to high school.

Because I know you said when you were younger you were very tomboyish. You would be alone. What was your high school dynamic? Like? were you the cool girl?

Or were you the opposite of that?

Do you know what that is?

I'll tell you. And then, like, I don't know how this works. But like, insert it into this interview. And tell me if I was right.

But it's a personality that's been developed where I identify as being an outcast. Or being so incredibly unique and unusual that no one could ever understand me. And so for me, like the worst insult you could give me is that I blend in with everyone else. Or I have like a vanilla personality, or that I'm normal. But that actually stems from a family environment where I didn't feel that I belonged.

And never felt a part of anything. And then, as I went out into the world in school, that was also reflected back to me. Where I didn't fit into a friend group. And I wasn't received well by kids. And then, as I left school and went out into the world as a famous person.

The world received me that way as well. With a lot of contention and a lot of negativity and a lot of projection. And so it's a part of my identity. But it's a survival mechanism to say I'm a pariah. Like I'm an outlier.

That's who I am, and I'm proud of that. And that's who I need to be now. That's how I self-identify. But really that comes from a deep wound of looking to have belonged somewhere at some point in my life. And never finding a place that I fit.

Yeah, it's super lonely. But I was a lonely baby. Yeah. I've been lonely my whole life. And when I meet with like, I've met every healer, every psychic.

They're always like well, this is your nine life path. This is your last life. You're an old soul. Old souls are lonely. Old souls are sad.

You've been doing this a long time. You've been through a lot of trauma. You've had every kind of experience you can have. And there's like this sort of bittersweet experience of it's lonely. But I also know that part of my purpose is to be in service to others.

My children in particular. But yeah, it's not a particularly like I feel alone. Yeah. A lot. But to answer your question about high school and middle school, I wasn't cool.

I had an eating disorder in middle school. A really bad one. I had to be hospitalized twice. And I was left in there. Like my mom will say, she took me out for Christmas.

I don't think that's accurate. I think I was in there for Christmas. But I was in there for a few months at a time. every time they would put me in. Essentially, I was 5150'd because my eating disorder was so bad.

I had braces. I plucked out all of my eyebrows. And when you do that. When you pluck your eyebrows, by the way, for anyone that's ever going to do this. If you do that when you're sick or your immune system is down, those hairs don't grow back.

So plucked my eyebrows out. Most of them never grew back.

By that point I was cute again. I had figured it out somehow. But equally as lonely and like isolated. I had a friend. But I've never had like a friend group.

I didn't. I don't know. At that point I had started like some modeling in Miami. And doing like auditioning for acting things. I think during high school I did that Mary, Kate and Ashley Olsen movie.

I'm not exactly sure. I think I was like 16, 17..

The kids in school. I didn't get like a real reaction from the boys in school. But as I went out into the world doing that stuff. I started getting reactions. But also from like much older men.

Which was weird. Because they were not my peer group, obviously. And that sent a whole other, like set of confusing messages.

I had black shorts that had white polka dots on them. And I was 5.. And this is crazy when I look at my children. Because now I understand what it is to be 5 years old. And I was in the back seat looking at my legs.

Being like, I have such fat thighs. My thighs are so fat. I was 5.. But I also had like a, I think I was blonde in a past life. Or, and or.

I mean I've had many past lives. Whenever I would look in the mirror as a child, I was like, that's not me. That never felt like me. Nothing about that. face, the hair, the skin color, the body.

That wasn't me. I never associated that with me. And so, I think that's because I have a strong tie to some of my other lifetimes. And it was always hard for me to accept that this is who I am in this lifetime. And that goes back to when my parents were still married.

So, I was like 2 or 3.

. My mom said that I used to go into the bathroom and stand on the toilet. And pull up my shirt to see if my boobies had grown. And I would get really upset that I didn't have big boobs. And now I, $30,000 later than I do.

Solved that problem.

Because that's essentially a control thing. You're trying to control how you look. What do you think? now you look back. you're trying to achieve?

But prior to that, it was just a feeling of being defective. Or being unwanted. And for whatever reason. I'm not sure why it manifested specifically as that. And not as addiction issues.

Which I've never had. But it manifested as body dysmorphia and self-esteem instead.

Do you feel like you missed out on anything because of that relationship?

First of all, let me just say. I was not a great girlfriend to Brian. I will be very honest. And like he was not great to me either all the time. But I think it would be easy for me to lean into and complain about.

Or let it seem like that relationship was one way. That maybe I was not great. Because I was young. And really should not have been in a relationship of that level of commitment. And that magnitude.

I shouldn't have been involved in that when I was 18, 19,, 20, 21,, 22,, 23.

. I shouldn't have been. So. I did a lot of like falling in love with other people all the time. I would go to work and fall in love.

Because I was a kid. And yeah. I never had the full freedom to like, be single and experience that life. And I thought for a minute, when I got divorced. That that's what I was going to do.

And I was single for like three weeks.

I just wasn't aware that, oh, marriage makes me feel any particular way. That was something I did kind of impulsively. Also, it was like an adventure to go on and to do. And I had already been with him for so many years. at that point.

And I do feel like karmically, I was supposed to have those kids with him, of course. So I didn't realize. You know, I wasn't looking at myself being like, oh, I'm reenacting my mother's life. Or I'm carrying my mother's burdens. Or I'm carrying, you know, the things that she projected onto me.

I was not able to recognize any of that. I was just in the moment and had not had therapy or anything like that. And I had not started reading and educating myself. So I was just acting and doing. And I got myself into a relationship, which I, of course, found, no shade to Brian, unfulfilling.

Because inevitably that's what I was going to do. Because I was reenacting what I watched my mother do as a child.

And it's on us, obviously, to take some accountability of our lives. To be like, pause. How do I try to change this? But it's really fucking hard to not do what we saw growing up. When I think about you and sense the rise of your career, I feel like your name in the public eye has been synonymous with the phrase sex symbol, right?

How does that make you feel?

And the things that I thought were my strengths, like my mind, my intelligence, or my sense of humor, which is, granted, very niche sometimes. But those things are not acknowledged. And instead, I'm being acknowledged for something that I don't identify with or as. And so that's almost like this artifice. It's like forcing me to wear a character that I don't actually—I wasn't trying to wear.

And then also, you assign the character to me, and then you torture and demonize the character. And I was never that. I was never her. Like, you created her, and then you murdered her.

And that—I love that. I started this out by being like, I don't have an emotional attachment to this.

Worship and then destroy. And I was always a sensitive kid. But I had to wear armor to survive my childhood. And I had to wear armor to survive being famous. And so there's this energy of me, of that, you know, that I don't give any fucks.

And to some degree, that's true in terms of I would never change anything about myself in order to get someone to like me. So in that way, I don't give any fucks. That doesn't mean that I don't get my feelings hurt and that, when I'm being bullied or dragged, that that doesn't cause me to be mentally unwell sometimes. Because it absolutely does and did. And in 2009,, crossing into 2010,, I had been famous not even that long, only a couple of years.

But the fame was so heightened, it was so intense, that all the energy started peaking. And I was going through this process of. I was getting crucified in the press every day. And on whatever the blogs were at that time. There was no social media.

But, like, Perez Hilton and, like, was it Nicki Swift? There was some other blog that was so mean. Daily Mail, whatever.

Now I have kids for people to project on and be like, but you're a shitty mom. I didn't have that at the time. But it was just like, you're a shitty person, for whatever reason.

Plastic surgery, fake, talentless.

There's so many headlines. I used to get chased by paparazzi who would be like, Megan, everybody's saying that you're overrated. Do you think that you're overrated? Megan, everybody's saying that you shouldn't have got your nose done. Nobody likes your new nose.

Are you embarrassed that you got your nose done? Are you sad? Do you regret getting your nose done? Megan, why are you such a bitch? Why does nobody like you?

Like, grown men, right, chasing you. Back then this was, like, TMZ cameras. They don't talk to you like that anymore. But back then they did. So you're in life, getting bullied by actual grown, adult men with cameras everywhere you go.

Then there's, like, the online presence of just getting torn to shreds for everything that you do, everything that you wear, how you look, every single flaw, every pimple, every scar, every five pounds, you gain, five pounds you lose. You can't win. And that energy was peaking, and it was every day. And during 2009 they had a blackout, a Megan Fox blackout, where the media all agreed to not post any content about me for a whole day. Which, by the way, I was like, I hope you do this every day.

Or it's going to be – it started to become a witch hunt, where I felt like tabloids would send photographers with the intention of getting a bad photograph or getting a bad story. This was around the time – it may have been a little before, but it was in the years of when Britney shaved her head. And so the media. at that time, they were on witch hunts, and they would set out to try and find something negative, the ugliest picture they could get, to splash it everywhere. Because that's what people want to – that gets the most engagement, obviously, even back then, before socials existed.

And that's when I sort of stepped away for a long time. And I was like, I'm good to just not be involved in this anymore, because I actually can't sustain this amount of damage. It's not normal. And I also feel like it was kind of just me at that time, whereas now all of us get it. There's so many other girls that are getting it constantly.

But back then, it really was kind of just me. There wasn't another actress that was getting it the same way I was getting it.

To know the eating disorders and the body dysmorphia, what you were going through, how exacerbated it then became because you became famous. If you had to say, and I know there's no answer, but why do you think people are so obsessively trying to pick at you and pull you down?

Because that is essentially what is happening today. every day. People don't realize it, but they all wake up and they're just a reincarnated medieval mob. And they have their pitchfork and their lantern and they're like, who do we get to burn at the stake today? Who do we get to cancel today?

Who do we get to destroy today? And that's the first thing they do. They go on Twitter and they're like, what's trending? This. I want to join in on this.

And that's also something that should be studied is like, why do people want to join in on something which is essentially psychological violence? Why do you want to join in on that? Because I think most people, if you were walking on the street and you saw me, or you saw Kim or Kylie or any of these other girls, and we were being beaten by a mob of people, your instinct is not going to be to join the mob and to beat us. It would probably be to either help or to go get help. However, when you watch that same thing happen online and it's the psychological violence, the instinct is to join.

And that's a very weird instinct that people have that they should ask themselves, like, why do I want to be a part of tormenting, torturing, mocking, making fun of or bullying, when we do understand the ramifications and the danger of doing this?

You can't be that beautiful and be a good person. And I think it brings so many insecurities out in people when they look at you. I think for women, like, I remember. I just saw a TikTok of this woman who was like, I just lost 100 pounds. And my life is so different because I used to walk in rooms and women would befriend me and men treated me like shit.

And now it's the opposite. I walk in a room and every fucking woman looks at me like a threat. And every man is opening the door for me, treating me like a queen. And I'm like, whoa, I just lived two different fucking experiences in a year. And I'm like, which one would I choose?

But I think you threaten women because you're confident and beautiful and educated and smart. And we're all like, fuck you. You can't be like that. But to men, I mean, I was going to read this to you. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with the world?

I read an old article, OK? And they described you as a screensaver on a teenage boy's laptop, a middle-aged lawyer's shower fantasy, and a sexual prop used to sell movies.

The objectification of you, Megan Fox, is so much larger than you. It is like the embodiment of misogyny and what's wrong with our fucking society. And it's terrifying even hearing it come from your own voice of like, I didn't ask for this. I'm not out there selling my body and my soul to this. I'm just trying to do my job.

And somehow people are like, take her the fuck down.

I was never arrested. I never did anything outside of having a kind of Andy Kaufman-esque sense of humor, which people don't understand. That is my greatest crime. And so it was very hard to understand in the beginning. And I'll be honest with you.

It's hard to keep enduring it, because I did step away for a decade. And I did all this work on myself spiritually and thought that I was transcending and growing and becoming a better person. And so when I got divorced and I started dating Colson, inevitably I was sort of thrust back into the light, the synthetic light, not the real light.

And I thought that either it would be different. I would be attracting a different experience to myself this time, because my level of consciousness was so much higher. Or my ability to deal with it would be so much better at this point, because I was a different person. And I have not found that to be the case at all. I've been doing it.

It's going on the fourth year now. And it is wearing me down. I'll be honest. It's very hard, I think, because I don't have a family support system or a large group of I don't feel that I belong, because I do feel so alone. Like you said, when you have to deal with something and you don't have siblings, or you feel like you're by yourself, you internalize.

And then it can become very grim very quickly. And I am kind of getting to the end of my rope with that. I'll be honest. I'm struggling with it again. It feels like I was in a wormhole.

I left 2009 and I'm right back in where I left off. And there was no growth, which makes me feel defeated. And I just, I really I can't believe how negative human beings are and how cruel they need to be to everyone. This is not just me. But that also weighs on me, because I have kids and I have one kid who's like an artistic savant.

And that kid will inevitably be in the spotlight somehow. It's impossible that they won't. And I know how cruel the world is because I've lived through it. And I don't think I can endure watching what my child is going to have to go through.

So I'm really struggling with that as well. of like not wanting my kids to have to be exposed.

And I already know it's like if you disappear again and you go away. Oh my God. We miss Megan.

I went away. I disappeared. I was like, fine, fuck it. You win. The world had like their posts, not clarity.

And they were like, wait, but why did we kill her? Why did we murder her? She never did anything. What did she do? She was actually like, she stood for a lot of really good things.

Like we should have given her flowers. Why did we do that? Fuck. And then I step back. I'm like, was someone knocking?

Were you guys calling me? I'm here. I'm here to receive my flowers. And it was immediate, just murder immediately. And so that experiencing that cycle, like you said, if I were to disappear again right now, like I did in 2009, which, believe me, I'm very tempted to do because I am not well at this moment.

The same thing would happen where people would be like, oh, but she brought, you know, she had this messaging. She was such a smart girl. She was a grounded girl. She was encouraging. She was supportive of other women.

She was this, she was that. She was, I promise you, 40 years after I'm dead, it's going to be like, not to compare myself to Marilyn, but the way she died and then everyone's like, well, you know, she was a genius. You know, she had 142 IQ. That's going to happen to me too. Years from now, I'll be dead and then somebody will have something nice to say about me.

But living, it's not going to happen.

And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I'm curious, like how did and how has this like extreme focus on your look and body impacted your relationship to sex?

But I. It does affect, obviously, anything that's going on with your self-esteem, affects your relationship to sex. But I will say, I feel like, as I took more control of my body, actually, because when I was younger, it was like really scandalous to get anything done. So my boobs have been fake, by the way, since I was 21 or two. I got them done in between the first and second Transformers, but I had them done conservatively.

I've done this way too many times during this interview. I hate it. You got to like. No, you haven't. You got to AI those out.

I'll cut it. I can't keep doing that.

that was undetectable. Obviously, people have been doing work since Hollywood began. The studios would bring you in and do a screen test and be like, okay, John Wayne, he needs a chin implant. Marilyn, she needs a nose. She needs this.

She needs that. That's the oldest story ever told. But back at that time, when I was doing it, it had to be unnoticeable. But I always, that little girl that was in the mirror like, where are my boobies? I always wanted big boobies.

And so I wasn't happy with the first set. The same thing with like, can we just talk about plastic surgery, since we're on this?

Because I feel like there's this stigma and I'm not going to win. I'm going to do this. I'm not going to win. Okay. However, I'm hoping it sets some people free.

That is a particularly cruel thing. to say. Who is this person? And I'll click on it and she'll be like, women's life coach, crystal healing, loving God, trick lessons, divine, feminine. And she's under my comments, being like, you know, call it crucifying me for being plastic or whatever.

So there's, but if you were to ask her, she would be like, well, that's because she perpetuates an unhealthy standard of beauty. Right. But, and so here I am, I'm going to be fully transparent. I still won't win, because there are some girls who have been, who have been transparent. I don't want to like bring people in, but someone like a Kylie has been very transparent.

That is not helping her. People are, women are still brutally dragging her just the same and totally undeserved. She's a beautiful, healthy, young, gorgeous girl. And I actually feel, for whatever reason, very protective when I watch other girls go through this, I want to defend them or go to war for them. But okay, I'll go through.

Here's things I haven't done, that I have been accused of doing. Okay. And then I'll confirm the things I have done. Okay. I've never had a facelift of any kind.

So no mid facelift, no, like lateral brow lifts, although I would like one, or no regular brow lifts. Um, I've never done threads. I have researched them. That's not because of some moral thing. I just don't really believe they work.

And I'm also afraid that they would interfere when I do need to have a facelift, but I am very tempted to go have my eyebrows snatched, like all the way. I want, I want that look. Sometimes that seems fun and you can do it on a lunch break, and I see why it's so tempting. and I, I have researched it, have not done it yet. Okay.

Um, I've never had this. on. What is this?

I will never be taking fat out, which leads me to, I've never had any like liposuction or body contouring or anything like that. I've never had, what are other things you can have?

It's so insane. It's basically like three months you have to lay flat on your face.

I want that. I'm not coming out with like, Oh, did she been, has she been like really hitting the gym lately? Extra squats. No, I want it to be massive. Yeah.

It's gotta be, it's gotta stop people in their tracks.

I don't like surgery. My body does not react well to general anesthesia. And so when I go to have a surgery, it's a very big deal. And I have my, all. my doctors have to meet with me before and have to tell me if they've seen any elements, if they saw any owls, crows, if anyone stepped on a spider, if any, if there were any dead insects, like my doctors have to go through this with me because I'm very afraid of dying under general anesthesia.

So I don't take surgery lightly and therefore I have not had many of them because of that. So that's probably a saving grace that I have this paranoia or this fear, because God knows what I would have been up to.

I go through all of these protocols.

So my soul's like fighting on the surgical table to wake up. It's a very traumatizing experience for me. I was like, I better wake up with the biggest boobs you can fit in my body. And that is what he said he did. And they're not even that big.

They're a 32D, which is not that big. They just look big on my body because my body's tiny.

Thank you. And then, um, I had my nose done when I was in my early twenties, and that's something I've literally been accused of having, like six, seven, eight rhinoplasty surgeries, which is impossible. Your nose would get necrosis and fall off. Um, I haven't had a rhinoplasty since I was, I'm going to say, 23.. It's been well over a decade.

I haven't, I've not touched my nose since then. We didn't contour my nose.

We didn't contour my nose. No, we didn't.

Wait, girl, shut the fuck up.

It is just the contour. I can't believe, I can't believe I'm doing an interview without nose, contour on. I'm traumatized. You don't understand what a big deal this is. No, no, no.

It's like me not having done my eyebrows. Very scary for me.

Okay. So you've had your nose done. You've had your tits done. and what? Botox and filler?

I don't understand the point of shaming people for getting stuff done. Granted, I'm not encouraging anyone to do anything crazy and, like I said, you need to be very safe and very careful when you do any of this stuff, even fillers. Like, people that get fillers in their nose, you can get necrosis from that. Like, none of this shit is really safe. It all comes with a risk.

So, I'm not encouraging people to just go out like blindly and do things. You should do your research. However, it's a very weird thing to shame somebody for. And coming back to your question about sex, the more that I've taken control of my body and done the things that I've always wanted to do, the more comfortable I am in my body. And the more freedom I have sexually, and the more embodied I feel sexually and am more like playful and confident in that way.

Versus when I was wearing a body that didn't feel like my body, because I always wanted it to be different.

It's all projection. When someone is so angry looking at you, it is based in some form of jealousy. Like, we have to just call it what it is.

Spray tan, yep. What's natural enough for you? and then what's fake and what's the barometer? And like, why do we all have to follow some kind of a standard? It doesn't make any sense.

If you say it, no one believes you, or they shame you, or they call you a whore. Or like, there's certain reasons why women don't come forward and say these things. And you wrote a lot in this book. One of the things, one of the common themes I wrote down was like, throughout the book you talk about minimizing yourself in order to make a man or men feel comfortable and confident and important. When was the first time you remembered doing that in a relationship?

Like, bringing yourself down?

And that's one of the poems you're referring to is, I think it was The Art of Becoming and feeling like an accessory where I'm there, but why am I there and what am I doing? I don't have like. I don't have a presence here because I'm not allowed to be.

It doesn't sound like it's passionate. The literal definition of passion is to suffer.

And it doesn't, it just sounds, I would rather be in something. This is not to encourage others to do this, but my personal psychosis and issue is that I would prefer to be in something dramatic and toxic versus something stable. Keep in mind, I've never experienced like truly stable. So if I were to honestly experience it, I would probably have a lot of peace and would accept it, but I've never had it. So to me, the idea of it sounds very boring.

It's basically like describing a movie.

The gaslighting and the name-calling and the mental emotional abuse, I do get very emotional about that. I am very like present with that. But how do I feel about it? I don't know. Well, part of me feels like exposed because I wrote this book with things like that in it.

And so to hear someone else read it, I'm like, okay, I wrote that for everyone to read. For all of eternity, they can revisit that book. And I did it, but I did it for a reason.

It also just felt like a demon that I needed to have exercised from my body. Like I needed to get it out in this way.

I don't know that I can tell the story. I have to be so careful.

It was definitely shocking, but, like I said, I almost immediately compartmentalized it and went into nurturing the other person to calm the situation. I don't know, I just took it on as my own burden right away, instead of feeling the trauma.

It's like when you're about to get sexually abused or something's about to happen. It's like you can rationalize like, okay, if I just give him a blowjob, that will stop me from having to have sex with him. And then people will shame you of like you gave him a, oh, so, then, but so you did. It's like, you don't know what's going to happen. They could have a gun.

They could try to fucking kill you. We know what men are capable of. And so there's moments where it's just survival. Again, I think it's such a privileged standpoint when people would be like, what do you mean? you soothed him?

I know exactly what you mean. You immediately go into survival mode of. how do I completely deescalate the situation?

The poem you wrote called Rape.

Did anyone in your life know that you had survived that type of sexual abuse before you wrote this poem?

Not my parents or like my family, but people that I've been with like have known.

Mr. MGK.

Obviously,

this book has a lot of heavy topics. And I know you clarified on multiple topics.

I'm not just writing about one person. I'm talking about my life experience. But how did that book, just like, impact your relationship in the moment? Did it open wounds? Did you have to have a lot of conversations?

Like? I can imagine it was tough.

And there are other ones, like Ghost of Christmas Future, obviously about him. But I also didn't really write anything about him that he hasn't said about himself in his own music. However, that doesn't make it any less sensitive for him to experience me writing about it. Because obviously, he feels in control when he's telling his own story. Or even like.

maybe he's able to hide behind the music a little bit. Even though he's saying all the same things, it felt different in this format. So obviously, he would have to be asked for his experience. But it was not easy. And I think he was like really nervous and worried.

Because there's a lot of explosive content in the book, obviously. And there was some fear there. And also, I mean, some of them are about him and are savage.

Go read the book, everyone. I feel like everyone has such an opinion on your guys' relationships. You know, you got engaged. Then I think it was called off. Then we don't know what's going on with you.

How would you describe your relationship with MGK?

But I will always be connected to him somehow. Beyond that, I'm not willing to explain. But all those things you said were accurate. Things that have occurred. And I could see them being confusing or interesting to people.

And them being like, what's up?

This is sad. This is really relatable. And I think that's what you just explained you wanted to do with the book. I think a lot of women, which is unfortunate and sad for us as women. A lot of people can be like, uh-huh, I've experienced that and that and that.

And I think what's sad is so many people probably don't know how many women have gone through that. How many women have normalized getting hit or getting verbally, physically, emotionally abused.

It's everywhere. It's one in three women. It's so fucking prevalent. And I think our culture likes to just turn a blind eye and pretend it's not happening. So I appreciate you writing the book.

But I agree. I think a lot of people are like, you. okay? Are we still in this relationship? And that's for you to decide.

I think you're right. Everyone, fuck off. You're going to decide what you're going to do. And also he gets to write his fucking music. And I think you, as an actor, it's not like you get to be like, let's change this role to be more like that.

This is an expression for you that I bet was healing in a way to be like, put it out and let it go.

And that's what the book is.

I would never do that. I actually had to. one time Brian was in a custody case with his child. And sometimes a part of the process is everybody has to do a psych evaluation. So all four adults had to undergo psychiatric evaluations.

And mine came back and they took note of the fact that I was one of the only people that had never attempted to slant the test. Because it's human nature to want your best self to be seen. So when people are being tested, it's often that they will not lie per se, but mislead or like, present a truth that isn't entirely accurate out of wanting to be liked. And I don't have that function or that mechanism. So they took note of the fact that that was completely absent from my psych evaluation, but not in a like sociopath way.

But in a way where I'm just not somebody who's going to bend unless I – I'm only doing what I believe in, the end. Like that will never change. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt my feelings when people spew venom or negativity or hatred towards me. I'm very permeable, actually, because I'm very sensitive. And yes, I've been wearing that armor, but the armor is heavy.

And at a certain point in my life, I was down to get some blood on my blade and like go to war if I needed to. But I'm tired now. And it's actually wearing on me a lot in this particular moment, for whatever reason. Things are coming to a head for me. And I'm not in a place where I don't give a single fuck.

I do get hurt. That won't change who I am and how I am and how I speak and how I proceed with my life. But I do still feel the pain of that.

So it's likely that they're going to have some type of public platform at a certain point. I worry about that every day.

I can't keep that up forever. Eventually that will happen. I'm trying to delay it as long as possible. But when they get a little bit older, it's still too early. And it's also.

I don't want to put the weight of my experience on them. I want them to have their own experience. And I don't want to preload it by being like. this is all the suffering that mommy's been through. This is how the world treats mommy.

Mommy's never been loved. Mommy's always been bullied. Mommy doesn't belong. Like. they don't need to feel that.

So I haven't found the right way to talk to them about that. But I will have to with certainty. And, yes, I lose a lot of sleep about that. Somebody should ask Brian that question. He's watched me cry so many times.

He's always like, are you okay? Because every school meeting I'm just weeping. Like I'm always crying because I know what's coming. And I'm not able to live in this moment because I know what's ahead. And I'm not prepared emotionally to have to do it.

I can't do it.

What would you say to someone who? And then, like it's a girl going through it. Okay. This girl sees a hot guy at a bar, but is too nervous to go up to him and make the first move. What would you say to her?

Have you ever gotten a magical dick? Have you ever been? Gotten a sacred dicking down where you're like a better human afterwards?

And if it's not, then you need to fuck the fuck off.

I was like, I recognize that person. And then I looked in his eyes and I was like, oh yeah, it's you. I've known you for thousands of years. So we were in a situation where it wasn't really about one person coming up to the other. Got it.

He's very shy and he'll tell you he's very awkward as well. So he's not somebody who like picks up girls. He's just gorgeous and a famous musician. So he gets them easily. But if he was not famous, he would be struggling because he's not good at that.

He isn't. He's a brilliant musician. He's not good at picking up girls or conversation.

I can't be bothered to do that. I also ask them questions. they've never been asked before that they don't want to answer.

They don't, they don't like to feel exposed. So I'm not a good. You're not a good. I'm not good at that, because they just want you to be pretty and really dumb. And I don't like to play that game.

There's different aspects to it. One, I think it's not necessarily unhealthy to be inspired by your friends and to take notes and want to move in that direction. But if it's unhealthy and it's toxic, I don't know that. I have great advice. You have to start working on yourself, because you have insecurities and things that you need to heal.

And probably desires need to be satiated, and all of these other things that you need to work on, because jealousy will always be there with your friend or with just all others. Okay.

Is that rude? I can't be friends with that person.

She's upset after she went on a date with a guy one time and he ghosted her. And she still is obsessing over him? No. Yeah.

You're like, I can not be friends with her.

Oh, my God, I'm peeing.

living like that, though. You cannot... What is the fear that he's gonna feel so insecure or so overwhelmed?

How long has it been?

That's a long time to keep up that lie. Because now you're a fucking liar, you cunt. No, but now you have to answer for, well, why have you been lying for a year? Like, don't let it get to that point. I understand the fear of being intimidated or worrying or whatever.

You can't live like that. You have to understand that, A, orgasm. If he's entitled to an orgasm, you are entitled to an orgasm. The end. So don't let anything, any kind of fear, talk you out of being able to speak that truth.

This is your body, and orgasms actually keep women very healthy. It's a vitamin, and you have to prioritize that. So don't be afraid. And if he has a problem with that, he is not for you, and I promise you, the dick wasn't that good anyway. Obviously, because you're not coming.

However, I am on the precipice of what am I about to do, and I don't know.

I love you.