#624 - THAI RIVERA

That's Tony Hinchcliffe, Calm. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the Mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out My Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX Comm for more information.

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From the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, Give it Up for Tony.

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You guys ready to start tonight's show?

Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, you never know what you're going to get. You know? This is one of those shows where, sure, sometimes we have fucking big celebrities sometimes and sometimes. I introduce you to people that have been doing it about as long as me, that are about to pop and fucking be famous. I take great pride in introducing the comedy fans of Kill Tony to some of, the, you know, biggest comedians coming up in the game. Whether it was Shane Gillis years ago or Tim Dillon years before that, or this, or.

That this is one of those guys I've been performing with this guy since we were doing open mics together in L.A. 16 years ago. Waiting out and under the sun in the daytime to basically perform in front of each other. Now he's a fucking monster. He lives here in Austin, Texas. I've waited a long time to have him on solo. One of our favorite guests of all time, one of my favorite comedians working today.

Make some fucking noise for the great Ty Rivera, everybody.

My man fun, he's a.

Diabolical comedian A.

Wild looking human being. So get that out of your systems little bit, little bit. He's very, very, very, very interesting, he's both thuggish and well, what would you consider yourself? A faggot? That's right.

Thank you that one's in the episode. You can say it, I can't, even though I seem gayer than you. It's weird how that works.

I heard you say it right before I came out, that was during the commercial break, though. On YouTube you can say it, but I can't tell weird things have gotten because I believe it or not. Like girls, we edited out five of those f-words on tonight's episode that's airing tonight, really.

Oh, okay, I just got word. We have signups from China, India, Ireland and Canada in the bucket. That's very interesting. I hope we get China out here tonight. Oh boy, anyway, hi, you've been on this show numerous times.

This is your first time doing it alone with us. With the beautiful machine running at a thousand miles an hour, nothing can stop us. You know how it works? Tons of fucking people signed up. I mean, it's absolutely ridiculous.

Over 200 people, like I said, people from all around the world in the bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up in here, the sound of a kitten. That means their stand-up comedy time is done. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them, we find out more about them and what makes them interesting.

Now, while we have a whole bucket full of comedians, we like to start the show with a little something special. We have a few regulars on this show. In which every single week. They have the very not easy, very judged, judged job of doing a new 60 seconds every week in front of the entire internet. This guy started on the show over two years ago and his complete, his life is completely fucking changed.

I mean, we've seen him have ups downs, he's been challenged by numerous people trying to take his job. How many of you are fans of the show?

Well, then maybe you know the words. If you guys start singing, maybe I'll just say his name, you guys know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

What's up?

It's good to be here. My name is Hans Kim and I'm pretty good at fingering.

Whenever I see a dude not washing his hands in the bathroom, I'm like, Good, that's ten fewer fingers that I have to worry about. I never. I see a woman squirming around in her seats. I'm like, you shouldn't have gotten fingered by some dirty-ass, homeless dude.

So I got that Sriracha pussy right now.

Tired of fingering girls and yoga pants? It's like a resistance band.

I was just in L.A. recently, a lot of snowflakes there woke people who are like, no means no. When a girl says, stop, you got to stop, and then they get to a four-way stop and just blow through the stop sign.

You did not wait for enthusiastic consent.

Congratulations, you're a rapist.

All right, that's my time, thank you. It is indeed fifty nine point, five seconds from the professional. Hans Kim. Are you the person that signed up from China tonight?

I'm American, just like you, Tony, I know I know my sweet. How about another hand for Hans Kim, everybody?

Doing it again easy, breezy, making it look easy. I love it, love the stop sign joke. How do you feel? How do you feel that it went?

I felt it went all right. I felt like, you know, maybe the crowd is like, racist against Chinese people. Whoa, look at that.

I'm Korean.

We love it, tie, you know Hans Kim, what do you think about all this? I love Hans. I've known Han since he was still in Washington before he got into the band. Yeah, I don't remember that part, but I think I want to remember time.

Maybe roofied you and but fuck the shit out of you. And that's why you don't remember last time Hans told me he was homophobic. So that might be why I love you. I don't like the others, but you don't like what the others, the other, what's the gays?

Oh, really is that true? Yeah, oh my goodness, what is it about the gays that you don't like? Hans, brutally honest, almost autistic Hans Kim?

They're like, strong like a man, but they like gossip like a woman, so I can't hurt them, can't hurt.

The gays like getting fingered to Hans, Oh, really, is there like lube for that, or usually just spit?

Hans, What's been going on this week? Tell us about a. It's always so interesting to find out about your real life. I went to L.A. with my girlfriend, we got an Airbnb.

We stayed there for five days. She got only mad at me twice. Okay, let's go over it. What were the two times? What did she get mad at you about?

This is always interesting. One time, she just remembered the fact that I wore a girl's shirt that was her naked on it. So she was like, Oh, remember that time? I'm mad at you for that.

Now you didn't even wear it when in L.A. She just had a memory. Yeah, I thought like, I'm an entertainer, you know, I do crazy things like, you know, we're pouring on my shirt.

What was the second thing she got mad about? Some girls snapchatted me and, you know, I'm not interested in her. Kara I.

I don't care about her. How did your girlfriend find out that another girl snapchatted you? She probably looked at my phone?

She probably looked at your phone. What do you mean? She probably looked at your phone, huh? I mean, she probably, like, looked at the notificate, the home screen. She doesn't have my passcode yet, so I love what you said yet.

Why do you have? Why do you have notifications turned on for Snapchat on your home screen? You can turn that off.

Oh my God, you are just a magnet for trouble. It is unbelievable. What other notifications do you have turned on? I have tick-tock, I have Instagram.

I have, I have everything turned on. why do you think you have everything turned on except for your girlfriend?

Right, because my dick isn't as big as she wants it to be.

This is the weirdest show on planet Earth. Just Hans being Hans up here, anything else you want to talk about? Hans? What else is going on in life? No challenges this week.

No challenges for next week? You're so, yeah, that was a pretty stressful for me. Last week. I challenged Brian Redband to do a challenge girlfriend, and it was kind of humiliating. I feel like my girlfriend should challenge Brian Redband for his job now.

Whoa, Oh my goodness, I don't want her looking at my phone over here, though, that's.

What else is going on in life? Hans? Anything else? I'm STD free. Wait, when did you? when did you find this out?

It was like, a while ago, I said it on the show, but I'm still STD free. How do you know you're still STD free if you didn't get another test? Because my girlfriend is the only person I've been having sex with, and I hope she's been faithful to me. Does this?

I don't think she has probably, like, if I were to, has there been anything suspicious? Do you feel like she has perhaps cheated on you? No, she did have dinner with her ex tonight and her mom's, but wait, what? why is she having dinner with her ex tonight?

Because he needed his bed back, she was sleeping in his bed.

She was sleeping in his bed. yes, he let her borrow her his bed.

But why would they have dinner together? I don't know her mom, his mom was there, and she likes his mom. She's apparently like, dying, whatever.

Sounds suspicious as fuck. The old dying mom, Oh, she went and took a nap because she's dying, and we just had dinner, he feasted.

All right, D madness just said, they fucking in the back, I just heard, so let you know. And he has, he has extra senses that we don't have.

You can feel the vibration of your girlfriend's former bed right now. Why did they break up originally? like, what was the reason for them to break up? I think that he was just like a loser, just not doing anything with his life. And your girlfriend does. Cocaine and nitrous. It's true high standards, Hans Fun.

Fun times, Hans, you did it again and way to get the show started. That's a minute from the great Hans Kim, thank you getting us started tonight.

The show's nuts We pull names out of a bucket and then they get brought to us from the other bar next door. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Tonight we're gonna meet them all together.

So it could be anything, it could be a star of the future discovered here on Kill. Tony could be a completely insane person here, perhaps with weapons to murder all of us, anything can happen. Put your hands together for Tony Wellens.

Everybody sounds like a familiar name. Tony Wellens. Oh, we know Tony. make some noise for Tony, everybody, come on.

Hello, what's up? I I think pussy is cool, I think pussy is great. I think in this country we're a fan of penises more, though I think we like we like dicks more.

If you guys don't believe me, I. We name a lot of things after penises, you know? We have, like cockpits, we have cockroaches, We have cocks, those are chickens, We have peacocks, those are chickens that went to art school.

We even have people that we named dick. There's people that are named dick. Dick is a nickname for Richard. I recently learned that a dick was a nickname for Richard. How wild is that?

I think that's crazy because I don't think you would ever see the opposite, you never see it flipped, you never see. This is our daughter Brittany, we call her Clit, for short.

We, uh, you call her clit, for short. yeah, she's very sensitive. She's, uh, don't rub her the wrong way, don't, uh.

Sometimes she's hard to find, but, uh, not when you play like me, bitch, okay?

I'll be in that pussy all night. Bitch. Goddamn God, I want to be black, so bad. I. Uh. Thank you so much everybody there.

He is Tony Wellens, everyone absolutely sliding into Black voice there at the end just because he wants to tie Rivera. What do you think about Tony? To be a straight man? You sure do have a lot of dick on the brain. There is a what?

What's going on there? I just, I just see the I love pussy, I just I, you know, I think about, I don't know.

I don't know how to answer that question. I say, I don't. Honestly, you got me there, you got me, you got me there, all right. Well, I'll see you at one of the shows.

Yeah, yeah, you might be. You might be deep in the closet where that outfit you're wearing tonight belongs. That is something else, very wrinkly old collection. I wasn't, but I was not planning to come up here tonight, so so you signed up and you weren't planning on coming up here tonight? Well, nobody, ever.

Are you a regular on this show? Why would you plan to come up here tonight? I don't God has got my back, but I don't like he doesn't have your front, obviously.

You look fucked up, dude, you look like you look like you just like murdered somebody. And like, this is the outfit you had to change into quickly after the murder. Like, after you got rid of the bloody clothes, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, what the fuck am I gonna do?

It's gonna cause me the rest of my fucking life fucking out. Don't scrap these fucking shorts, look at those things like, what could we do to make them more wrinkled? I'm trying to figure out.

Perhaps we could run them over with vehicles or something like that. What's for you before you enter into showbiz? You don't like the Obama T. That's the Obama T that, I mean, I've never seen a worse Obama t.

What does he talk about right now, bro? You know what I'm saying? Wait, don't you? he's on my side, all right, cool.

Well, if we were all at Obama's house together, we would let you drown, Tony.

That's a topical reference for those of you that don't know the mainstream media is not really covering it. But someone got murdered at Obama's house last week. No big deal. No, it's pretty bad outfit, I agree.

Yeah, it's a bad outfit. What else is going on in life? Tony? You've been on the show once before. We know you because you started with Cam in Orlando, Florida, you just moved to Austin.

Literally, what? Three or four weeks ago, yeah, but about a month now, yeah, through four weeks, uh-huh, that's up, that's four weeks.

Yeah.

You're talking like your clothes look right now, so how's life been since you moved to Austin? It's a pretty good. I'm in a hostel right now, she's got a new place.

It's new places on the 18th, so new job. I got a new job. What's the new job? I got a blinds job again, what you watch you hang blinds again.

D Madness, be careful over here, I can't. It's just too good of a setup for me to not make that joke.

I mean, I was just a golden opportunity. Hang and blinds. I've been hanging blinds, I gotta do it every time, he says it, d.

I'm gonna do that joke for the rest of our lives.

So you've been hanging blinds? Yep, so what is that? How do you get into that business? That seems like a very weird job, to just keep you from city to city and keep doing, bro.

It's just a niche in the car. Cut the construction in the cock world. Whoa, no, got a dick on the brain, dude. God damn it. I hate this fucking so much.

You should, you should not sign up for things that you know, no.

It's just I just got the job out of high school, and it's just not many people do it. So. So you've just been hanging blinds your whole life. How old are you?

25, 25.

So just seven years of hanging blinds, I'm a blind hanging machine. Wow, the hangman. I'm a fucking hangman.

Holy shit.

What? What's the deal with, like the the newer, more expensive blinds? Not having this string, that's just way more annoying it to us. This is the cordless blinds. Yeah, it's so annoying. Um, I don't.

I think they're pretty cool, you know, yeah, cuz you're going like this and you're trying to put them up. And when you used to just have a string, it was so much easier. Well, actually, the the best thing are roller shades.

What's going on in your personal life? Tony Any, let's get away from me. What's the deal with the blinds red band angle here? What is the deal with the thing on the blinds?

Sometimes there is a string, sometimes it's not a string.

Is anybody? Has anybody been dealing with any of these blinds? Ha, anyone? The sun be coming through. And sometimes you don't want it, sometimes you do.

What is the deal with the cord on the blind?

It's like, you pull it down.

And then when you wanted to go down, you got a bullet down.

Any big breakthroughs in the blind industry? No, I'm kidding. What's your personal life like? Have you gotten any pussy dressed like that? A bat? Mean, this bad bitch?

I've been talking bad bitch. She's a big fan of Kill Tony, I bet bro, I bet she's big. No, no, no.

No, this bitch is bad son, she's a she's a very hot woman and where'd you meet her Instagram?

Just fucking, you see that she's like, she's really bad, and then he just Mitch McConnell, No, she's just a beautiful lady.

She's a beautiful lady, yeah, tell us more. How did you meet her? What's going on? I just, uh, I just am, I am, I fancy.

You know, suave moves, I just lit up in their DMS today. How did? She's a big fan of Kill Tony, but how did you slide up in her DMS?

So, uh, this was my pick up. It's kind of corny, but I was, I said, you must not be from Texas. All right. No, no, no, sorry.

Sorry, so it's please shut the fuck up. shut up, bitch. I'm gonna get shut the fuck up, all right. I said, Uh, I said a bitch.

You must not be from Texas, cuz I'm trying to mess with you, okay?

That's what you said, I will.

Whatever, I hate this fucking interview so much, this is going so bad.

I swear she's actually. You could have been like, what, what should I have said? You could have been like, Hey girl, I want to get down like blinds with you.

It's fun when we work together like that.

Okay, uh, so what did she say? Boy, you so stupid.

I'm a kill Tony fan, I know you, I don't know why I'm making a Puerto Rico, she said. Uh, she said, Stop, you're making my pussy so wet. I'm in public right now.

These are verbatim. What she said, Wow, this is fucking, she's a bad bitch, too.

I don't believe it, I'll just shoot my shots in the dark. This bitch is easier than your clothing selection tonight. Oh my god, Ty Rivera, that outfit is gonna dry that pussy right up. Oh yeah, good thing.

It's highly absorbent.

It starts before it even touches anything. Does she have like 15 photos and they were all uploaded like the same? No, you're making my push up. I'm in public right now. What's your? what's your pin number on your ATM card?

You fucking.

Kill Tony I'm a huge fan of Killed Tony. What's your date of birth? No, I know a thought about what I see. Your mother's made a name. she's not a thought, but she's a.

She's a real woman, yeah, What do you know about her? Prove that she's real? What does she do?

What's her? probably nowhere, listen I.

Know a thought? But when I see him, she's a real woman, you know, you go on tags. shit, she's a real lady. Okay, I've been talking to another girl on Tinder too, you know, I bet, I bet you have. But have you met with any of these people since you moved to Austin, Texas?

Have you? Physically? You're just a walking catfish right now? Yes, I've been pussy list. Yes, you've been what pussy list?

Pussy list Yes, okay, all right. Have you kissed a girl since you moved to Austin, Texas? You haven't physically kissed a girl since you moved to Austin?

Is there a girl out there in the audience?

I'm 25.

When's the last time one of you made out with a 25 year old? Come on, you right there with the foot, come on, prove that you're not a Karen right now. come on up here.

I want to see, I want to see if the curtains match up.

What the fuck?

Hold on, wait for it, wait for it, Oh my God.

Listen.

Come on, give her a real kiss, give her a real kiss.

This is.

TONY I've been hanging out with these bad bitches, yeah.

She's what go, she's going home with a gel blaster. she got a fucking gel blaster.

And and we'll put you on the guest list next time you want to come to a show. Whoever the fuck you are. Instant legend of the game. Hell yeah, dude, your interview just got a lot better real quick.

I was about to come out of the closet there, dude, I really was, we already know.

Hi, she looks like she gets more pussy than you.

You guys having fun yet make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket, Cameron, My, or perhaps May Cameron? May, everybody.

Guess it's the thought that counts. I guess she just didn't have any faith in me. Because for those of you that don't know, this book is all about how to make a woman orgasm. And I think women are more complicated than they'd like to admit because this book has chapters.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Seuss could write a book about making men come.

Oh, the places you'll blow, you could jerk it in your room, you could stroke it on the moon.

You know, it was interesting, man, because I'm reading this book, right? And I get to the technique part and all it says is turn to the next page. So I'm like, huh?

And all that page says is turn to the last page. I'm like, huh, I think I'm getting the hang of this? Very good, never mind Cameron May or my my, you got it right.

My absolutely nice to meet you Cameron. This is your first time on the show. No, I actually got on a year ago today. Wow, look at that amazing. How old are you?

I'm 20, 20 years old, just out of these guys's age range right here, that's the these guys are like, Oh, those are, that's our kind of cougar right there.

They're pedophiles, that's why that's fun. They do. They do kind of look like they would write me three years ago. They don't care if she comes first at all.

Cameron, Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Very funny. You stayed in the pocket there, you stayed on one subject, one joke, two years, okay, two years, all of it here in Austin, Texas.

Yeah, I moved here from Castro Valley, California, to do stand-up here. Okay, how long did you move? Two years ago, two years and you started here? What made you decide to move to Austin two years ago instead of Los Angeles, which is closer to where you're from? Because this place seemed like it had the cooler shit going on, you know, it's like.

That's exactly the answer I was looking for.

And now you're doing a lot of spots, you're staying busy. Yeah, I'm trying to. You know, what do you do for work? I clean around like I'm a maintenance guy, around apartment buildings, like I do a lot of power washing, like pool boy stuff. Oh, okay.

So you're a white Mexican? Very good I am. I am the only white guy at my work. Absolutely. I worked all day today with a lady who didn't speak any English, right?

And we had to just take trash from floor to floor. Holy shit, dude, yeah, you're just human muscle. What? why, much? why do you think you're in that, in that field?

Did you say 20?

Yeah, okay, so you started at 18? Yeah, okay, hold on, these guys are getting hard all of a sudden.

Okay, so are you going to school or anything like that? No, no. What do you want to do for work? What kind of job do you want? That seems wrong, this.

Right, I know you want to do this, but uh oh, in the meanwhile, while you're getting good and taking time to. I mean, it really isn't that bad. I get paid like 17 an hour and I can, it's pretty bad.

McDonald's pays 20 now, just so, you know, he knows he talks to the people there orders from. Every day. I drive past fucking signs that say 13, what? I drive past McDonald's signs that say 13..

Well, you're going to the wrong. McDonald's. go to Flugerville. Yeah, go to Red Bands. one makes a lot more money than McDonald's.

I have this unbelievable income between the hours of 3 and 5 a.

M They just get blasted with fucking postmates orders. So you're 20 years old. What are 20 year olds doing for fun nowadays? Tell us about the life of a 20 year old in Austin, Texas. Because I don't know. I mean, hey, this place is just filled with heavy drinkers and partiers and things like that.

What's a 20 year old doing to catch all the Pokemon already? What's going on out here? A lot of video games, for sure. I also like to do stuff like around town, like I have a bike, so I'll ride that to. Like the free area, Barton Creek, go to the rope swing and stuff with my friends, there's stuff to do.

If it's like an active city, you can't be a fucking loser here, right? Yeah, you can't be a loser here. Yeah, what does that mean to you? Well, just, I mean, cuz the last guy that was on the fucking loser.

Yeah, but it showed, didn't it? You don't want to kiss the old lady. If an old lady came up here right now, I make the fuck out with that old lady.

Oh shit, oh shit, looks like you've just found another rope swing.

Tell us more about your embarrassing love life. I don't know, I just have like a bad habit of meeting women. I want nothing to do with me. Why do you think that is?

I don't know, but.

That's fair, probably that, yeah.

Yeah, she comes first, and he comes alone.

Yeah, ah hey, you come alone frequently.

Let's talk about it, let's go through it, let's pretend. Like, I'm a hot chick and me and you just met. And I just saw your set and I'm like, Hey, you're really, really funny. Oh, thanks, I appreciate that.

So are you doing anything after this? Uh, yeah, you want to go get voodoo donut, a white, a voodoo donut down the street? I'm a hot chick. We don't eat doughnuts.

Perhaps celery sticks or a salad or something like that. What about my cum?

I think we, I think we found out what the problem is here, that tick-tock shit, I.

Straight to the come with these kids nowadays, I mean, unbelievable. It would work on these guys, but not fucking. Not a not a lovely lady, he says. It's getting rough over here, huh? You guys just don't know.

Damn like, fuck, fuck every time. God, you have it. Not how I thought this would go. Thank God. You have a fly. Oh no, your flies it, but it's out for sure. His fly. Yeah, I'm looking at his dick dude. It's just flapped open.

Cameron relaxed, relaxed.

Okay, so Cameron, what else? What do you do like at nighttime? For fun? Uh, I just smoke pop, play video games in my house, or I'll work out, oh, what kind of working.

What kind of working out are you doing? exactly? Mostly cardio? Uh, no.

Weights What kind of weights? The light ones are they? like? pink? No, no, no, the little ones are you on?

Do you have the ribbons like Jazzercise?

Shake, wait.

That's him.

Fuck oh, Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. I love it. What's your lit? You still living with your parents? No, I moved out about like six months ago.

Okay, so how are you surviving out there, lugging around trash people that don't even speak English? What's your, what's your living?

How many roommates do you have? three? Okay, you have your own bedroom? yeah, on bedroom, on bathroom, okay. And what's the craziest porn that you've masturbated to recently?

I just don't like shit with the guy's face in it. So you know that milking shit? No, all right. Well, you're gonna learn what's milking.

Tell us about it. So a guy will stick his dick through a hole in a massage table and then a girl just, you know, goes to town on that shit. So you're hold on, hold on it. I could have chose better words with her tie. You are our senior Milking correspondent.

This just in, and now we go to Tyra Vera. It's weird that he doesn't want to see the guy's face, but he's completely comfortable with nothing but dick. That's exactly what I was going to. It's just like, I'm not gay.

Just show me that.

You know, it's not the face that makes it gay, it's the penis, right? I disagree. I envision it as myself.

You put yourself on the massage table, you just picture, like, a, yeah, yeah, wow, that's fucking crazy dude. Yeah, milking porn. If you would have had me give ten guesses on what Milking porn was, I would have guessed ten different things. That weren't that, I wouldn't have pictured, like, milking a guy upside down.

How do you even find something like that? Your algorithms fucked up. How do you find that? It was on the main page of Pornhub? main page? Yes, main main page. Red man is this true Red man? Red man decides what's on me?

All right, Cameron, you have a very, very good comedy style to you. It is incredible to see. Did you get a joke book last time you were on? I did a big one. Yeah, perfect.

Then everything is right on schedule. Yep, you're gonna go home with the gel blaster. Thank you so much. Sign up again. 20 years old people like this dude, this is how it all starts.

Ty and I were once fucking 20 years old, running around the streets of L.A. Oh, yeah, I'll tell ya another young fucking. It's that's what it's about here, you know? We find these people good and early, and then, years later, they just keep growing.

It's the thing that happens. Your next comedian is a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen. And when I say he's taking this show over by fucking absolute storm, I mean it. He is a force to be reckoned with. The newest regular on Kill Tony, an absolute fucking machine, the talk of the town. This is a new 60 seconds from the Great Cam. Patterson everybody.

And I've been studying which race get a best head.

White women, you know, I know it's white women, because two weeks ago a white girl changed my life. Dog, she's something I did for the first time, and she's something I did so good. I watched the office now.

That's how good it was, though. I'll be at home and say it's Nigga Michael is a hoot.

It's happening.

That's right, these are pedophiles. Yep, spot on, I can see it. Yeah, they touch kids, dog, yeah.

Touch kid, he said, with the butt, like, it's nigga, homophobe, it's a bad person, that's a bad guy. This place is wild.

It's filled with chaos out here tonight. Cam Another amazing minute, unbelievable. What's been going on in life. How are you? Oh shit me good?

I went back home yesterday. Yeah, I do this like this little benefit thing, like a little benefit show. You went home to Orlando. Yeah, oh wow, yeah.

I got back like, two hours ago, damn look at you. Yeah, okay, it was a horrible. it was horrible.

Tell us about it, so we so. It's one of them places where it's like, they got the waiters and shit and they behold the shit like this. Yes, and they just, you know. I said, like, the waiters. And they was bringing me food I asked for when it was real fancy.

They had mouthwash in the bathroom. You're not used to that at all, right? And they were like, they were like, Dudes, you want to do? And I was like, Are you sure?

No, you do what you want to do, you be, you, come and be me. And I beat. I did me, I did that joke.

I just told y'all first and they were like, get the fuck out of here.

Really, oh, that's hilarious. What was the benefit for retired N.FL players? Retired N.F.L. players? Shit, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they are, they shouldn't even see to you or fucking them up that way. Yeah, it was a CTE. Yeah, you know, it's, you know, the concussions are real when they're offended. Former football players that used to be in an N.F.L. locker room.

That's what's happening. I'm saying, amazing, did you get to use the mouthwash? I did? That's all that matters.

Experiment. And they paid you for the gig. Yeah, good amount, probably, right. good amount to fly into Orlando for one night, just in and out. Yeah. Did you hang out with any of your old people there? Some? A dog? Is it an actual dog or is it your friend?

Your dog, yeah, and my other dog, Scrappy, that's a dog.

That's a scrappy dog live, my nigga.

We got it. What's the dog's name? scrappy? But what's the dog?

Liam Liam.

Ellie Nigga, Yeah, Ellie M. Yeah, Well, he get off house arrest, he coming out here.

Oh.

My some y'all outside, that's my nigga. Gang violence What's the on house arrest for?

Some bullshit, he do it, I do it, whatever it was, he ain't do.

He wasn't even, uh, they're gonna even nail it, I think it. No math. Is he a good guy, man?

You know, Sam into, that's it, then they can read real good, it's not, it's not. Even she was uncalled for. Amazing cam out here. Changing the justice system completely.

I love it. What else has been going on? You did Houston right? So now show your first sold-out headlining show.

Thanks to y'all, man, that's a pretty dope. thanks to you guys saying that's your pretty light. It's absolutely insane that you're selling out shows just a month after your Kill Tony debut.

I mean, June second or third was your first appearance on the show. So this is all moving very fast. I went home and I cried.

I heard the green who else? cries a lot at home, lamb?

I know I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I heard the greatest thing ever. I heard that you went to Home Depot.

You got a bag of rocks and that was your merch.

So look, so I go to home depot, right? A dude recognize me? go Hey nigga, I know you, you rock nigga.

We get to the rocks and then he go, whoa, he go, what you need? Tony's with me, and Tony was like, the one the other just molested. Oh, yeah, I saw that shit.

You raped my friend. Back back to the city, I saw that shit, you fucking freak, oh.

Oh yeah.

If it goes by, the whiter they are, the better. They suck the dick. That bitch can suck a dick, for sure.

So we go, we go to the rocks, that's where you get to the rocks, that's right. And at Tony, like, a if you fuck, would have given the rocks for free, right? He go fuck that you got him now. Listen, I don't stole some shit in my life before.

Yeah, we know he.

Don't even feel right now. We bought him.

And then you sold the rocks. How much did you make selling rocks after your show? So I also what I was doing was I was doing like a little donation. I was signed him and shit. And then I would say, like, whatever you want to give me and give me, whatever.

And I made like, 230.

230 bucks not bad for fucking a fucking improvised merch store. Yeah, that's awesome, selling rocks, I mean, it's incredible. Yeah, it's a white people, if we would have told.

For those of you, oh God, I need a camera on my head so that people can see what I. Oh my God. The excitement on this white guy's face when he thought the cam was about to high-five him. Oh my god, how did you forget that there's a Black guy right next to you?

You've been sitting next to him, you're in the middle of Texas, the odds, I'm, I'm sure. When you first got here, you're like, Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me, and then here you are.

You forgot all about it, that was epic, dude, that was fucking. I am embarrassed for you, right? Not many.

Wow, damn, I thought you, I thought you were gonna pull away.

Amazing, what, that's a doctor. Are you a doctor? How? how did you know that? Wait, it's a base doctor.

Oh, okay, you dorks fucking musicians. Oh, that's the surgeon.

You have doctorates as a bass player, just one doctorate, okay, and that's like your thing. you play bass, but you have vision. So should we be impressed?

Motherfucker can see I don't. you're not a bass player to me, dude. I don't fuck around with bass players with eyes.

Hang out with freaks.

You are an absolute fucking monster. I mean, you are exactly where you should fucking be in this world, and that is right here with us fucking. Showing off your skills and talents to the Goddamn World, Unstoppable Force and the future of Kill Tony. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody.

Hell yeah, my man. Yeah, absolutely. Joke. The night away pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys ready to meet someone new?

Make some noise for Celia Contreras.

Celia Contreras Hey, make some noise for Celia, everybody.

All right, I haven't come to terms with my miscarriages yet. But to be fair, neither did they.

I keep thinking what I named my last child, and I was leaning towards Juan because he was the one who got away.

Like, No, I'll name him Rhesus, cuz he came out in pieces.

Or maybe skeet, because he was scattered all over that toilet bowl.

You could say we had a falling out.

What do I call it? If it's a girl, though, do I call her Bridget, cuz she fell into some troubled water?

Or maybe Tracy, cuz it took several flushes to get rid of all traces of her.

At the end of the day, I'm proud of my miscarriages. Daddy may not have been able to pull out in time, but they sure did.

Amazing tie. What'd you think about this? Didn't you kill Selena?

Recently.

No, I actually know Celia and I love her. She's from Phoenix and I'm from Phoenix and she's been killing it for a long time. So I'm glad to see her up here. I do, I remember you, Celia.

You were on Kill Tony in Phoenix, Arizona. You did so good that I had you do a guest spot after the show. The Neck. Was it the next night? or that night? it was the next night, yeah, and fun, I remember.

You specifically killed an entire bottle of Crown Royal right in front of in the green room. You just kept straight-up drinking crown. It was free. Yeah, no, it was free.

Absolutely, hell yeah, no, I agree. I do feel bad, cuz he told me I had to leave and I thought I couldn't take it with me. So I just downed over left with like a half bottle of Royal. I literally remember that part, I remember thinking, Wow, this is a troubled soul.

And I remember thinking, I hope she's not pregnant right now because that could cause a miscarriage.

Fuck yeah, you are very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's seven years now, seven years, it seems like it you are. Those were a lot of very, very quick miscarriage jokes, a dark subject material, but you were still able to summon laughter out of these people. How do you survive out there in Phoenix?

What do you do for work? Like? I had a lot of different jobs, mostly hotel, but to supplement, I do tarot card readings at bars. Amazing, I was gonna guess sex hotline.

No, I applied and I thought I had the job in the bag, but they never called me back. And I'm upset about it, right? It seems like you would, you did that type of person, yeah.

So you're reading tarot cards at bars? Is that a good business to be in? Does that work? It's hit-or-miss. I've been tipped in some weird stuff, like one guy gave me an eight ball of cocaine.

One guy gave me a bag of weed, uh-huh, another guy ate me out. Whoa, look at that, wow.

What kind of tarot card do you have to pull for that to happen? That is incredible. He had a bad reading, he just felt bad.

I don't know Mike, is there anything? He's like, I want to eat your pussy? and I'm like, why? Damn, that must have been a bad reading. Holy shit, it wasn't good.

He got the tower, the death card, which isn't a bad card in itself, but if you get the tower, you're fucked well. Yeah, I mean, if he was eating your pussy afterwards, I guess it all played out exactly okay.

So that's interesting, I mean, it's got to be weird eating a pussy and finding little baby parts like.

Little baby hand, a little. Oh, what is that? a baby fingernail right there? baby back rip, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back baby. but I want my baby back, baby.

Protein, powder protein.

Celia, you are a dark force. I like your fucking style. What else? tell us more? What do you do for fun? I like to read a lot, actually. Like, I just got my library card here in Austin, and I've like read three books so far, and they've all been really good.

I love it. Are they cookbooks? No, okay, this is a door-to-ash body.

Hell yeah.

So you moved here to Austin? I did, I love it. How long ago? month and a half ago?

Okay, what's your living situation? I live in the apartments above the Toulouse bar, the lodge. it's like pretty much across the street from here. Amazing.

Yeah, that seems like a great location to be a comedian in Austin, Texas. I picked it like I was gonna pick my own one-bedroom place, because they're like, what's it called them? dorm style apartments? I have like five other roommates. But like, I wanted to be in a walking distance of all the mics in the club. So I'm like, fuck it, I can be trash for a will.

I'm a little water longer. No, absolutely. I mean, that's the fucking way to do it. I know Ty and I have been through some crazy situations back way back in the fucking day. Lots of bean bags and couches and air mattresses and hammock. At one point. Yeah, I don't actually imagine you walking a lot, though. I don't. I'm mad, cuz I lost 20 pounds since I moved here.

Just going up the fucking stairs, that's it, that's Austin. every time, I don't know, there's stairs and I go, and it's like the mics upstairs.

I'm a son of a bitch. Yeah, could have fucking warned me. Yeah, my day is just ruined. Celia, what's your love life like since you moved to Austin, Texas?

Like, I got laid four times since I got here. Wow, look at you, that poor Tony Wellens is on suicide watch right now. He's like, you gotta be fucking.

He's just out there, dming fucking ghost catfishes yo dude, she's a fucking bad bitch.

Amazing, where are you finding these guys? Where everybody's interested every. It's been all the bucket pools tonight. I've had a lot of trouble hooking up with the opposite sex. Do you have any advice to them?

And yeah, how do you do it? I go to a bar that doesn't have any open micers and then I find the saddest guy there at last call, Fuck yeah, absolutely amazing, that's it. That's what it's about, just play the long game.

It's a numbers game. Hell yeah, Celia, you are, you are amazing, you are so much yourself, you own your style. I love people like you that are fucking different and I don't know so much.

Just you, you own it, you laugh at the jokes about you, you make fun of yourself, you're in it and rock and roll. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

You don't have one of these, do you? This is real Texas leather, handcrafted by the Great Bones, only made here in Texas. You can get them on the new Kill Merch state-of-the-art website.

I've been told that they can't find this comedian outside, so perhaps they're inside, but we don't have an eye on it. So I'm gonna read it real quick. Is Brent Bradley here?

Is Brent Bradley here? No, right, okay, perfect. We're moving on and what we do have on deck was found. Is our team, yo Jacobs, our team, yo Jacobs, everybody.

Here is our team. Yo Jacob, you see?

Yo.

Hey, my name is Artemio Huckle. So, but it gets butchered everywhere I go, and that's fine. A couple of things, a couple things that I do want to talk about it. I, you know, artificial intelligence is strange, right? It's weird, it's taking over everything. And I overheard a conversation with some ladies.

They were like, artificial intelligence is taking our jobs, and I was like, Hmm, that sounds a little familiar, and I know I've heard that before growing up. Mexicans, so with with artificial intelligence? I was like, What are you actually gonna do? Like, what are you gonna send it back to metaverse, like, you're gonna, you can't fucking?

I got a solution. I was like, we're gonna build a wall, we're gonna build a firewall, we're gonna build a cyber wall. We're gonna make sure we're gonna make sure those web backs don't get through.

So.

There was a whistleblower conference at Capitol Hill. And I'll end on that. I'm sorry. yeah, I'll end on that. I'm sorry, I'll end on that.

It's all good. Say your first name again. I've been you, Artemio, Artemio. Is that how you want me to say it? Artemio? You want me to go, Artemio.

Okay, Artemio, your set sucked.

My favorite part was watching you make build a wall firewall jokes and watching the tech nerds laugh at that. And almost nobody was well, actually, I get it.

Amazing So Artemio are, you're Mexican? I am okay. How long you been doing stand-up? This will be my second month.

Second month good, good, you're right on pace, that's exactly where you should be two months in. You got a couple chuckles, wasn't bad. You have good stage presence.

What made you want to do this? How old are you? I'm 34? okay, why are you starting now at 34??

All right, so in in 2020, my life turned into like a terrible country song. I love it. Tell us all about it. I went to Disney World with my now ex-wife and the worst fucking trip I've ever been.

Oh, fuck yeah, hold on, I'm hard as a rock. hold on, I don't want to come too fast.

Hold on, you're at Disney World with your now ex-wife. No kids. She had a son, she had her own son.

I helped raise him, so okay, you helped raise the son. Oh, this is getting good.

So you're at Disney World, Mickey's running around, you're out there now, what happens? My my in-laws, they all started like fighting and bickering with each other.

Okay, so the in-laws were also at Disney World with you. Make sure you talk right into the tip of that mic. Yeah, you got you. Yep, go ahead.

So they were all at Disney World, we were all Disney World together. It's a magical place, but it ended up.

It ended up. They kept arguing on where to go and what to do, and we already had an itinerary, right? I'm I married into a white family and they have, like, a travel planner that had everything literally planned out. Yeah, and we're at Pandora, and my ex-sister-in-law is like, I don't want to be here and wait, Pandora, it's a ride at Disney. The avatar sit like, I'm like a motorcycle.

Okay, so you're on the motorcycle ride? She doesn't like it or pussy sore. Go ahead, No, yeah. And I remember, like, halfway through that trip, texting my mom and being like, I have this money, go and do, like, go into my account, send me a plane ticket.

I'm ready to come home and you just left the white family. No, I didn't. I stayed the trip, I saved the whole trip because I knew it would have been way worse for me. How do I give us an example of what type of real fighting?

I mean, you know, like, what, what was the line where you're like, to get the fuck out of this? To get away from these white people? It was more or less just their attitude towards each other. Because I come from a really big family, that's like.

We don't need this anywhere, let's go to the public park, yeah.

Yo, we'll make it our Disney world.

There's already mice is my mouth, you want a mouse? There's a mouse over there.

Hey, Disney world, don't have squirrels like that.

The most fucked up thing is I realized it at one point during that trip that I was like, Okay, I have to get an individual picture with Mickey like separate picture. Oh my God, I've seen this before. It like meet-and-greets where the couple knows they're in the process of breaking up. And there's always one that goes, Can I get one of my own? Like? They kind of, like, say, like.

They do this, it's like a thing.

I've seen that before, I was the mickey mouse in this thing. Okay, so tell us more, give us more of, like, the real moments, little things like that. That's where the money is.

Do you talk about this on stage because it is your best material? Oh.

Much better than Rinky-dinky. Ai Ai, like, this is about you, this is something that only you can talk about. I would marry it into a white family. I knew shit was bad when we were at Disney World. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh.

It's interesting, it's much more compelling than fuck, Oh, we're gonna build a firewall.

What is the deal with the blinds? They go up, they go down, I don't know, real up and down, like my ex-wife. Well, the the craziest thing is so.

She had a son and I helped raise him. But kids don't lie. And so as soon as I was like, Hey, where did you get that brand new transformer toy? Oh, shit, like, Miss Sarah brought it to me, Miss Sarah, and I was like, Who's Miss Sarah?

He was like, Oh, that's mommy's special friend. Whenever you go out of town, she comes and hangs out, she brings you, oh.

My god, oh.

My god, wait, does Miss Sarah look like this lady over here? oh?

Sarah What the fuck are you doing? Hey, so let me ask you this so you find out about Miss Sarah from the kid, you go straight to your future ex-wife, right then? Yeah, I so I. I sat down with her one day and I was like, Hey, what the fuck is going on? Tell me the truth at this point.

Like, I feel like I deserve to know, oh, nothing, you know, we're just friends, we're just friends.

Literally, she kicked me out, like a week and a half later, she kicked you out. Yeah, okay, so did you ever confirm that Miss Sarah and her were sexually? Oh yeah, the next, his next birthday party, we all have, like.

I was still involved and I was still had an opportunity to be involved, right? So my family, my half of the family went, her half of the family went. You're half a family, so 135 people, pretty much.

Yeah, there was at least like 63 of us. Wow, look at that, that's pretty good. I. I exaggerated for comedic effect, but I probably would have put it at about 63. Over. Under. Brought to you by Prize Picks official sponsor of Kill Tony.

We showed up to the Like, it was like a cookout party, and we showed up. And she's just sitting there with like a ton of different toys and Nike shoes and shit. And I was like, I didn't bring anything extra. I just brought you my love, like, I'm here to support you. Like, wait, the gay. The gift you brought was your love for the kid. Yeah, you brought the kid love. And 63 people eating the fucking burgers and hot dogs and shit, how broke of a beaner are you?

I'm pretty broke, we haven't even gotten into what my actual job is, so I'm pretty good. How much did you and Miss Sarah look alike? Not at all.

But her new wife looks just like me, so she has a white oh yeah, so she's full lesbian now. No, yeah, let me ask you this, which I wrote down about four and a half minutes ago to circle back to. Because when I found out about Miss Sarah, I had immediately had a question, What's your pussy eating?

Game like, Okay, I'm probably.

I'm gonna go seven, six, a, what? seven, six at a scale of one to ten, a, seven, six. You're going backwards already. I mean, we. There's no, you're at most a six if you're calling yourself a seven, six.

Here's what we're gonna do put the mic in, the mic stand, and.

Just put it in the mic stand, it's okay, put the mic stand behind you. And then we're gonna go to a single spotlight here, Keno. And you're going to pretend like, there is a girl that you let's say yours, let's say she, let's say her pussy is right in front of your mouth. No, it's straight there.

It's right there, right underneath your nose. Hold on a second. Her legs are already over your shoulders, so just pretend, Show us what your pussy, guys.

Can you give me a little pussy? John D's? Can you give me a little pussy eating keyboard here? and this is pussy eating by our Tammy, Oh yeah, cubs.

Well, hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second, according to how I described everything. You just massaged her lower back for a second. Just like the pussy's right here, it's right in front of you, leg, leg.

It's right there, so now it's right in front of you, so if you're gonna do anything, it's right there. Don't confuse these people, there's no extra.

This is why you're a six or below. This is your massaging shit. And here we go pussy eating, music, single, spotlight and action.

That's it, you're done. Oh shit, dude. No, oh, this is bad, this is bad. This is exactly what I thought, dude, that every woman would leave you for Miss Sarah.

Plus, I mean, she's giving out transformer toys, you're giving out fucking love.

Ty Rivera, our senior pussy eating correspondent.

We're going live on the scene to our senior pussy eating correspondent, Tire of Arrow. Yeah, if it hadn't been Miss Sarah, would have been someone else, so that was not good, that was not good. That's one job that Mexican ain't taking.

Oh my goodness, gracious. So what's your love life like now? Our timeo? I'm dating okay, I'm actually dating I met someone on a dating app, a dating.

Yeah, we've been hitting it off and just kind of hanging out. What was the dating app? I noticed that you said dating app instead of naming the dating app, it was Hinge.

Okay, so you're a little more serious on there. I think, Oh, all right. And did you tell them that all you have to offer is love?

Yeah, do you have a picture of you and Mickey as your profile picture?

The mickey picture actually says Disney Family Vacation 2019, and on the back, it says Dad.

You should change the D to an s.

Okay, Artemio, congratulations. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, sir, you know what I I'm gonna give you? I'm gonna give you a big joke. Bug. You could put this next to your picture of Mickey Mouse, my friend.

Here you go, you got a gel blaster coming at you as well. There you go, it's Artemio. Everybody, all right, we're having fun out here.

Next bucket pull Yeah, you guys still having fun.

How many of you like it when comedians do good with their 60 seconds? How many of you like it when comedians do bad with their 60 seconds? You people are ruthless. Make some noise for your next comedian. Nick Lytle, everybody, Nick Lytle.

Here we go, 60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy to Nick Lytle. Oh shit.

Oh, Jesus, are we doing what? We've got a couple of mics here? Oh, did someone warn you that it was a guitar comic? Is that how you knew? okay?

All right, you guys are all in communication and shit, look at this, this is fucking wild, all right.

Okay, D madness is back, so we're gonna do a full reset here, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted right now, going to Nick Lytle, everybody here we go, all right.

This is a song to my higher power.

I started watching UFC, signed up for taekwondo.

Moved down to Austin, Texas, Cuz Joe, Rogan said, So supplements and CBD. Thanks to Joe. Right now, I'm high on shrooms and DMT.

Whatever he says becomes my belief. I go to Carlos Mencia shows and yell Thief Cove. It's fake, there's no vaccine, cuz Joe Rogan said so.

I hunt elk, I eat the meat, cuz, Joe Rogan said, So oh.

Five, six, I'll get a sleeve tattoo and I'll pluck out all my hair to be bald like you.

So if you're hearing this, leave your wife for me.

Cuz I want the Joe Rogan experience. NICK LYTLE All right.

Normally I hate musical comedy and jokes about Joe Rogan, but for some reason, you kind of pulled it together there halfway through. I like it. Okay, Nick, welcome, how are you? how's it going?

Whatever you want, buddy, whatever you want. How long you been doing comedy? I've been at it off and on for probably about 10 years, 10 years we're at. I'm from New Jersey.

I actually just got here about four hours ago, so I'm a little bit tired. I appreciate the nice welcome from you guys, absolutely, and welcome, welcome, so you're in New Jersey?

You're performing a lot there. Yeah, I get up pretty regularly, I work some weekends. What do you do for a living? I've been a DJ for most of my life.

So I DJ weddings and parties and stuff like that. J name, it's just DJ Nick. I've always needed a better one, he really do, right.

You want to hear a funny story, though? I was at one point I was gonna be DJ Suburban Funk and then I was like, Come on, dude, grow up, and I didn't do you didn't. You didn't want to go with DJ Suburban Fun? Yeah, I mean, I was a kid at the time, but yeah, okay. So tell us about your life, Nick, why don't tell us some interesting stuff about you married kids?

What you've been doing your home? Well, I'm divorced, actually, but divorced, I can tell you. This is kind of interesting. I owned a strip club for 10 years. You might find that interesting.

Okay, tell us more, give us the dirty deets. Ah, well, I'm obsessed with the sopranos because I'm from New Jersey. I don't know if you guys, like the sopranos, know everything about it.

I'll beat your ass in trivia right now, you may, but I can, I could hold. But so basically, growing up in New Jersey and, you know, being obsessed with Tony. One night I was watching the Sopranos and I was like, I want his life. So bad that I took out a home equity loan and bought the shittiest strip club you could ever see. I bought the only one I could afford, that was the only one I could afford.

Amazing, what did you call it? I? I'd rather not say if it's okay, okay, so you don't own it anymore, you sold it, sold it. Yes, I sold it a couple years ago.

Okay, did you make a profit? I did, yeah, and I, and ever since then, I've been back full-on in comedy and wish I never sold it. Tony, You know what I mean? But give us some of the highlights. What do you miss about owning a strip club?

I mean, I can imagine, but come on, you know? But you'd be surprised. I actually. It's like, it's kind of gross, actually. After you do it for a while, man, it's like, if I have to cut another tampon string is all. I'm saying, man, I don't ever want to do that thing.

Oh yeah, that's the thing. Wow, you know, like them putting their foot up and be like, Do I smell all right tonight? I'm like, Yeah, why do you not?

You don't get that when you own a pizzeria, you know, I mean.

Kind of, kind of, the cheese goes bad sometimes, and let me tell you, when you buy one that I could afford, there was a lot of cheese. Yeah, we, uh, oh, you dirty bastard.

Give us some fucking edge. You seem like such a good, nice guy, you come out with guitar, comic energies. Hi everybody, Oh, I'm a little bit tired from my flight, you know what I mean?

Like, Mr. I drove here, bro, there's no flights. Oh, that's right, 14 hours or sick, I don't even know.

Man, I fell asleep a few times, but wow, incredible. Driving on those little one-lane roads, where? how can you go? 75 on a one-lane road in Texas?

What is that, man? That's crazy. I've never been here before. You're saying that's slow, I'm saying that's pretty fast.

75 is fast on a one-lane road and, you know, in like little small town.

Whose Gucci bag is this? It's pretty far Gucci bag. All right, all the things I said, that was the weak moment.

It's ties, ties, good. Hi, what do you think about this? Good goods.

Well, between being afraid to go 75 miles per hour and asking about my bag, I'm wondering who the fag is in this situation.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not gay man. yeah, a man.

My life would be better if I was, but I'm not, man, that's the truth, so it would not be.

I've had every bad thing happen to me. Trust me, I kind of envy you at some point. Maybe not the face tattoos, those look painful, but well, that's how he.

That's how comedians feel when we see a guitar comic. I understand that looks painful to us. So Nick, what the fuck else? How long have you been divorced for? I got divorced?

Oh, you want to hear this? I got divorced and then listen to this. Yeah, I'm going to listen to it. And I want to know I asked you, you did.

He's right, I can't argue that. Listen to this, you can say that before anything. Technically. Well, I mean, here's what happened. My mom died of pancreatic cancer, and then that day my wife came to me and said, I'm leaving. That's a lot.

That's a lot, man. So how does that happen on the same day? I don't know. I hope she watches this, but I think your wife know that you just found out that your mom, oh yeah, I mean, she was in the hospital out of cancer or she got pancreatic.

Oh, she died of pancreatic, died of pancreatic cancer. Like, what time of the day do you find out your mom died? She died, like in the middle of the night? But when did you find out? Middle of that? I was standing right over, Oh, okie, Dokie.

All right, so you were standing over. Did your wife perhaps think you were out all night doing something? Oh, did you still have the strip club at the time? No, I was done with that, so you were done with the strip club.

So your wife must have been thrilled. When you got out of the strip club industry. Well, she didn't mind the money. Was she a stripper? No, she wasn't.

Interesting, Okay? So you find out in the middle of the night, you tell your wife that your mom died. Yeah, I, you know. I texted her. She didn't want to go that night, but she, I told her that she died. And then she came to me. I go that night, but your mom did.

Come on, we're gonna go castle. I want to have you on the show tomorrow. Dude. Yeah, you do realize that was the plan, right? That didn't happen, yeah.

No, there's only enough room for me on that piggyback ride.

Yeah, I do get up in there, man, I've noticed that, but you do get up in there and absolutely, it's good. I'm glad, I'm glad to have a best friend like that. No man.

No doubt about it. Is it bad that I admire your ass kissing skills? I really know it's not ass kissing at all. He doesn't like people that kisses ass. I actually challenge him sometimes, where most people around him, or just, Yes, man, that's why he finds me endearing.

That's good.

You fucking faggot.

Trying to test the fucking waters? A nightmare, your ass kissing, but I wasn't trying to come at you. I actually think it's amazing what you've done, man, it's okay.

It's okay, I know, I know, absolutely amazing, I have a fully operate. I used to come by the store years ago when I first got into comedy and I watched your rise and it was really impressive. Absolutely.

Absolutely, I don't remember seeing you in the, of course, Nick Fun times. Thanks for your song. How long you in town for?

I'll be here for probably a couple weeks. Okay, well, welcome to Austin, Texas. Have fun, good song buddy.

Good interview, thanks for doing it. Come on, Austin, make some noise for Nick, he just drove here.