#646 - DERIC POSTON + EHSAN AHMAD

Back on my standup tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. You're next January 25th, 26th and 27th, and then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake city, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates.

Really excited for you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. get tickets now at Tony Hinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024..

It's all just performing in Austin and kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony!

Fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?

And here we go. A lot of fun stuff ahead. before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Van's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

We're going to have fun tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

But these guys are about to blow the fuck up. Two guys that are a huge part of the Austin comedy scene on all the shows, almost all the shows that we do around here with Rogan and Sigura, and Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis, and everybody. Make some noise for two of the best in the world, two of my top young rising comedians, favorite rising comedians on planet Earth. It's Derek Poston and Asana Maad, ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for our guests.

Derek Poston. You know him. He does arenas with Andrew Stolz. The greatest son of mine.

Survived the 9-11 hijackings. A rare survivor. He was flying one of the planes and hit the eject button at the last second. Not a lot of people know that. But he parachuted, he paraglided out of there.

He didn't have a parachute. He paraglided out of the plane.

Do you tell these people just the types of things that I fucking do?

They fell in love and they worked together ever since. He famously talked about how you love trannies on the flagrant podcast.

But you guys have done this show multiple times. You know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on the stage. You know their time is up. when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which just interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. And we talk to them. We find out more about them.

The entire thing is crazy. Anything can happen. And we're all going to live it here together in the moment. Are you guys ready for this shit?

He's got a new bar. Really small ceilings. They just started to take over. They are much lower ceilings than Sunset. Could be the second best comedy club on the street in no time whatsoever.

They are a microphone away from having the second best comedy club on the street.

Woo. Poor choices. That's right across the street. Our good friends own it. How about a hand for Nick and Kirk up here in the house.

So, while we go wrangle whoever that was that I just pulled out of the bucket. We're going to get one of our absolute historical regulars up here. A fucking legend of the game. An absolute Korean thug, if you will. Ladies and gentlemen.

we found him absolutely doing nothing but open mics. Making zero dollars a month, doing stand up comedy. Now he's got the Rolex. He's got the white girlfriend. He's got it all going for him.

He's rich. He sells out all over the world. now. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. Make some noise for motherfucking Hans Kim.

Thank you. I have a Bangladeshi roommate.

And sometimes he cooks food so smelly I have to take a shit with the door open.

Just to get rid of the smell.

I have been sending a lot of Ozempic to the Palestinians in Gaza.

So it's easier for them to dodge the bombs.

And if they do get hit, there's less mess to clean up.

I hate it when ugly people act like them. dating is the same thing as when hot people date like me.

It's like the difference between the NFL and Major League Soccer. It's like yeah, you're playing on the same field, but no one wants to see what you're doing. Alright, thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah. Thank you. Fantastic, Hans.

How are you? Good. I'm good. That was great. Good set.

Thank you so much. That means so much to me, Tony. Jesus Christ. This guy is the most autistic fucking robot. How do you have both?

How is it possible that you're autistic and robot like? I just am Asian.

I think this is what Asians are like. Hello.

Hello, indeed.

I love it. How much of that is real? We heard recently that a roommate complained about the smell of your kimchi and now you're complaining about the smell of your roommate's food. It's totally made up. I don't even know where I came up with that shit.

I think it was from a long time ago and I looked through my notes and I was like oh shit. Yeah. I could do that. You know that joke. Yeah.

So, full disclosure. I am the Bangladeshi roommate that he's talking about.

Only recently did we get to talk with Hans' father. Hans, on every single week, and now we are finding out the roommate perspective of Hans Kemp. Now we know, famously Red Band has it right here in front of me. This is my actual first time seeing it. I've only heard of how he has a camelback water hanging above his bed with a tube so that he can lay in bed and just feed himself like some kind of fucking Korean hamster or some shit like that.

And it is absolutely unbelievable. I mean you have your pillows are hanging out of the pillowcase and you have the tag side of the pillow hanging out of the hole. You know you're supposed to put that on the inside, Hans. So that's my girlfriend's bed.

She should know this. I used her bed as a thing. So now everyone thinks that's my bed. They're commenting about how poor I am. Yeah.

It's the tag. It does look very shitty. There's like shit on the walls. So it turns out your white girlfriend is like one of the dirty whites.

I can say that. I'm a white guy. I like to think of her. If it was another race, I'd have Derek say it.

She's a dirty white. She's distracted. She's busy being hot and pretty. And it's, I think, a lot of my job to like clean up after her. Really?

Is that true? Guy that leaves ribs and leaves state.

Yeah. I mean I clean up her little whippets that she does.

I have. I have come home before and there's just been a box of empty canisters. Hold on a second. This is brand new. This is unbelievable.

that we always find out something new about you. How your girlfriend is a serious whippet addiction. Yeah. Like. I'll bring it up as a joke.

Like yeah. That's what the whippet queen would say. And she's like why'd you have to bring it up? I have to go get whippets now.

It's fucked up. Does she do them every day? No. She does them like when her friend is around her. She has a specific friend that they do whippets together.

Yeah. That's nice. She's been on Kill Tony before. The friend. Okay.

She's ratchet. Okay.

I don't need to know his girlfriend's friend. Who gives a fuck? All right. So have you ever talked to your girlfriend about not hanging out with this ratchet whippet? queen?

No. I think she's pretty nice. You know, I think whippets are just what the kids are doing these days. When you say the kids. How old is your girlfriend again?

25.

. Very good. Very good. Okay. What is she like when she's on the whippets?

Does she do anything in particular? She's like, ah.

Does she ever make that noise when you're inside of her? Never.

I had a feeling.

All right. I love it. So she does a lot of whippets. A box of empty canisters? Oh, yeah.

Next to some Chicken McNuggets. That's what the headlines just went. Oh, just absolute trash. Hey, what can I say? I love America.

Hans, amazing. Every interview we find out more and more about you. Really, really good set. Fun times tonight. Hans Kim, everybody.

Thank you, Tony. Make some fucking noise for Hans Kim, everyone.

I pre-pull a name. And I go to the name that we pulled before. This is our first Bucket Pull of the night. So essentially, we meet these people together. Sometimes they've been on before.

We're all going to figure it out together. The whole thing is crazy and improvised. You guys ready for it? Make some noise for Camilo D. Camilo or Camilo D.

I think crystal collecting is just rock collecting for bitches.

I think tarot cards are just poker night for dumb bitches.

I think astrology is stargazing for stupid ass bitches.

I don't know if you guys can tell by those jokes, but I'm a virgin.

At least I consider myself a virgin, because I only fuck with white women.

Because I know that as soon as I touch a Latina, she's going to have a litter of five.

And I can't jump another border.

Thank you.

Okay, 40 gay seconds from Camilo D. Unbelievable.

Oh, dude, I know what it's like, bro. Trust me, I get it, dude. I get it, bro. It's happened to me a billion times. Oh, my God.

You go by D, because that's what you love?

Oh, dude, that was a fucking Freudian slip.

I feel like he just had a nightmare that you've had. Yeah. You call it a nightmare. That's a wet dream to me, man. Hey, yo, bitches, be stupid.

Women, retarded. I be fucking dudes. I mean women.

You were a fucking goddamn, fucking syllable away from survival. there. You were a woo away.

Woman. Woman. Hey, yo, I be fucking dudes. Oh, shit, dude. I fucked up, dude.

Dog, I said I was fucking dudes. That's the only part anybody's going to fucking remember, dog. Yo, I said the fucking astrology's stupid. Crystals are stupid. And then I accidentally said I fucked dudes.

I fucked up.

I fucked up.

Is it Camillo, Camilo?

Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Electrician, hell yeah. You ever gone on a call and you go in somebody's place and it's a fucking just dude in his shorts.

Put his little rocket in my socket, you know what I mean? The electricity was flowing.

Okay, Jesus Christ, Redman.

You don't remember me? And then I saved it, dude. I got the fucking guy. Dude, it was fucking huge, dude. Like, at first, me, being gay, was bad, and then I turned it around, like I do with dudes.

I took the opportunity and I fucked it in the ass.

How old are you, Camilo? I'm about to turn 26.. 26.. What do you do for fun in this crazy world when you're not doing stand up comedy? For fun, stand up, soccer.

Soccer? Fuck yeah. Damn, you are gay.

So you like balls on your feet and your hands.

Soccer reference.

Shut up. Relax. Alright. What else about you, Camilo? What would we be surprised to know about you?

I'm training for the half marathon here in Austin. You're training for the what? Half marathon. Okay. Alright.

Well, I'm.

. I'm running a lot. Drinking half a drink tonight. What the fuck does that mean?

That's what I'm doing right now. Why aren't you training for a real marathon? That's too much. Why don't you just do it and then finish halfway. Just stop.

And then brag to your friends about how you did it. That's a good idea. Hell yeah, dude. Absolutely.

So, a half marathon. Do they just give you like a fucking half a medal if you finish that, or something? Like a half a trophy? I get half a dick.

I fucking.

. I fucking, fucked up again, dude.

Nothing. right now. It's dead. Nothing. right now.

It's dead. You're fucking a dead chick. Yeah.

I'm a little late. actually. What? I'm a little late on breeding. You're what?

Late. Right. Yes, absolutely. Okay. So, let's go to my question.

What's going on? Last time you got laid, what happened there? What happened? I don't know.

Nah, I'm kidding, man. I know you're kidding. I always know when you're joking, because the room goes completely silent.

So, like when was it? About ballpark, how long ago? Three years. Oh, shit. Trace?

You basically are a virgin. Yeah. If a Latino goes two years or more without getting laid, they are re-virginized. Not a lot of people know that. Yeah.

Okay. When's the last time you saw, speaking of virgins, when's the last time you saw Virgin Mary and like toast or something like that? What? That happens to your people? a lot.

You're like, oh, she, God's talking to me, or something, right?

All right. Maybe toast is in the right, in your tortilla. Tortilla, there you go. Tostada. Tostada.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Tostada is a couple dude salads, from what I understand.

All right, Cameo D, here's a little joke book. Thank you. Fun times. Welcome. There.

he goes. On to the next one.

Dude. He was so gay. Dude, I fucked up, dude. There was that one good part. I could hear you do that all night.

Make some noise for your next comedian, ZZ, everyone. ZZ. We believe. Okay. Come on, one more time for ZZ, everyone.

What's up? Okay, is the minute started? Hi. Hi. I grew up in Iraq.

I moved to the US 2017.

In my culture, we have a saying, when you want someone to leave and never come back, to throw seven rocks behind them. Rocks. Rocks. Not bombs, rocks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

No, seven, not eight. Seven. So the day when I was moving, I turned to my family and said, demolish the house behind me. Rumor has it. they found weapons of mass destruction beneath it.

Well, no, this is bullshit.

I just turned 37.

. I look fucking fly.

My mom wants me to settle down and find a good guy and marry. She doesn't know. I live in Austin. There you go. ZZ, everybody.

Jesus Christ. No, that's not how it works, ZZ. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. The man is talking, Iraqi woman. No, that's not how the show works.

Please. You know better than anybody. I know your fucking father would never let you. Only talk if I ask you a question. I don't have a husband.

No, stop talking.

Here's your hackiest joke ever. You couldn't have bombed any harder, but Iraqi people don't really bomb. Turns out like the actual Iraqis. Okay, very good. That's great.

Don't talk. Yes, sir. Like most Iraqis, you had no weapons of destruction here tonight. Absolutely incredible. You suck at this.

Okay? Sure. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three months. All here in Austin, Texas?

Yeah. This is where you live? Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work at UT.

UTI?

Is that the only UT you know? You look like it. Yeah, I look like I have a urinary tract infection. You look like you've never been to college. Okay, very good.

Never come back, Zae. Zae. Can somebody throw a shoe at her? UT Austin.

What did you say? Zae Zae, you are unbearable. Stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before? No, only on YouTube?

shorts. Right, okay.

You said to respond honestly.

Okay, there she goes. Zae, Zae, everybody. You're the worst. There you go.

You're the worst.

Here we go. Corinne Aaliyah.

Do you guys ever realize that God doesn't answer prayers because he keeps killing all the wrong people? Yeah, I figured that out recently because my dad is still alive.

Yeah, I have daddy issues. in case you can't tell. He didn't leave or anything. I just fucking hate that guy. You know, but it's okay.

It's okay because he still follows me. really close on OnlyFans.

Yeah, he'll leave comments under my stuff. He'll be like, I miss you, sweetheart. You have your mother's tits.

Please return my calls. Love, dad.

You guys, in case you guys didn't know this, women in comedy aren't actually funny. We're not. It's because we aren't having the shit beat out of us anymore. Like the good old days.

You know? At least the Middle East is doing one fucking thing right.

Making women funny again. That's it. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Corinne Aaliyah.

That was amazing. That was good. Thank you. Corinne Aaliyah? Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. Have you been on this show before? No, I've never been on. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Five months. Five months. All of it here in Austin? Yes. This is where you're from?

No. Where are you from? I'm originally from Louisiana. Okay. Yeah.

Alright. What's your ethnicity? I am a weird ethnicity. I'm actually Kajistani. It's a word that my friend coined.

I'm actually half Pakistani and I'm half Kajan. Wow. Yeah. Okay. My mom's family's from Louisiana and my dad's Pakistani.

Wow. Our son's hard as a rocker.

So your mom's the Pakistani dad? No, my dad. Okay. And he found your white, like, Kajan mother? Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. In Louisiana. What does your dad do for a living? I don't know. I haven't talked to him in years.

How many years? Like five. Five years, not talking to your dad. The last time you guys talked, what was the context of that? What was that like?

I don't even remember, to be honest. Okay, that doesn't make any sense, that red band. Oh, sick. So stupid.

Yes, his dad tried to fuck her. is what red bands imply. For those of you that are in seventh grade and have an absolutely moronic sense of humor, dang it, serious part of an interview. So you said that you wanted your dad to be murdered in your 60 seconds, and you're saying that you haven't talked to him in years, but you don't remember any of the trauma that he instilled upon you exactly? Oh, he definitely did traumatize me as a child.

Let's talk about it.

No, just, like, when I was growing up, just emotionally, just ignored me and was absent. He was a dad? Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Good. Okay. How long have you lived in Austin? I've moved here at the end of January. And how's it going for you?

How do you like it? I really like it out here. Yeah. Yeah. What do you like to do?

What do you do for fun?

Yeah. Those are the only pads? All right. Okay. Um, very fun, Corinne.

So, what else is going on? Other than Muay Thai, what else do you do for fun? Um, I'm pretty much... When a girl like Corinne wants to let her hair down, that sweet, sweet, young Howard Stern hair that you have. Yeah.

How do you do it? Yeah, I look like Borat if you were trans. Hell yeah.

All right.

But what else? when you want to get crazy? Like, what's a wild night for Corinne Aaliyah? I don't know. I don't...

I don't go out. I don't drink or party or anything like that, like everybody else. So... Because your dad told you, you better, not. Exactly.

Okay. Precisely. All right. What's your... Are you dating somebody?

I am. Okay. What does he do?

He's around.

. Oh, my God.

Okay.

You've seen the show before. What else do you think is an interesting thing that you could talk about right now, before we let you go? Yeah, yeah. Something really interesting about me. Or anything that's ever happened in your life.

Yeah. Maybe you almost died or saved somebody's life. Yeah. I actually... I actually lost my virginity to a pedophile.

Amazing. Your dad. Yeah.

Okay. This is great. This is exactly the type of interview I love. Yeah. Things just took a turn here.

So, when you say you lost your virginity to a pedophile, what do you mean exactly? Go ahead. Oh, he was my church pastor at the time. Wow. How old were you?

Sixteen. Going to seventeen.

Hell yeah. How old was he? He was at least in his thirties. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God.

It just took another turn. A lot of these interviews go from hero to villain, to fucking... Okay. That's kind of depressing. Is he in jail now?

He did go to jail. Right. He got out. I don't know what... I have no clue what happened to him after.

Yeah, usually. Was it a Catholic church? Surprisingly, no. What kind was it? Non-denominational.

Hippies. That one. We all know how we feel about those non-denominationals.

And how did that make you.

. Was that traumatizing for you? Yeah. Significantly. Did your dad make you feel bad about it?

Did he find out about it? He doesn't know about it. Oh, okay. Do you think your dad's going to watch this set? I don't know.

I don't know if he's into comedy. Is stand-up comedy one of those things? Like, do you sometimes think about your dad when you think about getting good at this and getting better and perhaps being, you know... How old? are you?

25.

. Right. So you're starting young. You have a lot of time to get really good at this. Is your dad one of those things where you're like, I'm going to fucking show him this stupid asshole, Pakistani piece of shit?

Yeah.

You think about this, right? Yeah. Because that's the thing. You know, we don't really talk about that. But when you're starting, there's people, you know, like maybe a girl that broke your heart, or the dad that wasn't in your life, or teachers that did this.

There's like images in your head where you're like, I'm going to fucking show these people. But your dad's your number one? Pretty much. I write a lot of jokes about it and I think it's funny. Are you close with your mom?

Yeah. Wow. And do you talk with her? Is she still with your dad? No.

Okay. How long ago did they separate? Like when I was very, very little. Right. And I live with my mom most of my life in Louisiana.

So you and your mom just talk shit about him? Yes. And she's seen several of my sets and she laughs. She thinks it's funny. I love it.

That's so great to have a supportive mom. Absolutely. So he Pakistanied his bags and left?

Absolutely. Hell. yeah. All right. Well, amazing, amazing stuff, Corinne.

A great interview. Thanks. Here, have a big joke book. Have one of these.

All right.

Spencer, Michael. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Spencer, Michael.

My wife says that I can be emotionally insensitive. Like the other day. she calls me up and she goes, Honey, I've got some terrible news. Uncle Dave was in a car accident. They had to cut him out.

It's really bad. I'm like, Oh, my God, Uncle Dave. Is he okay? She goes, We don't know. Well, what happened?

She goes, We don't know. I'm like, Well, how'd you find out? She goes, Well, his daughter called us. His daughter? Babe, my Uncle Dave is gay.

He doesn't have a daughter. Oh, do you mean your Uncle Dave? Shit, baby, why didn't you say that? I was worried.

Anyway, he's dead now, so it doesn't matter. But, so I can be worried, though. Like when my mom got breast cancer a few years ago, I was terrified. But she ended up being okay. She had a double mastectomy, though, and I didn't know this, but part of the process of the reconstruction is they suck out some of that tummy fat and they pop it up top, create two new boobs.

She thought it was cool because she got a boob job and a tummy tuck at the same time. I thought it was cool, because now it's not that weird when I check out her tits. It's just her fucking stomach.

Thank you all. All right.

This is your first time on the show, right? It is, it is. Has anybody ever told you that you look like if someone sucked all of the blood out of Anthony Jezelnik?

You'd be the first, Tony. There you go. Welcome, welcome, indeed. Spencer, you're wearing the lucky Italian pepper. there.

I am, yes. I'm not that Italian myself, but I married into basically a mob family. Okay. Is that where you got the jacket,

or are you 28?

? You're only 28.. You got married. How long were you with this girl? I've been with her for 10 years now.

Married for five years. 10 years, so you were 18.. 18 years old, yeah. Is that the girl that you lost your virginity to? No.

Oh, does she know that? Yes, she does. Were you the guy that she lost her virginity to?

Yes. You are not the godfather.

All right, Spencer, how long have you been doing stand-up? Stand-up for about a month now. Okay, only a month, adorable. You started here in Austin? This is where you live?

Yep, that is correct. Okay, what do you do for work? I market pharmaceutical drugs.

Oh, wow, what a piece of shit you are. Hell yeah, the old Pfizer-mizer. Absolutely, yeah.

It's like a young.

. Yeah, good. No, they are not here because they died, you faggot.

He's like a young Bushimi. It looks like the sloth from Ice Age. That's what he looks like.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. D-Madness is going to watch Ice Age real quick. He's going to be right back. He's like, I don't get it.

Show me that shit real quick.

All right. Okay, so you're 28 years old. You've been in the same relationship for 10 years, one month in a stand-up. What made you want to start stand-up? It's a little bit more fun than marketing drugs for the bad guys.

Yeah, but you still have to do that to make a living. Exactly, I got a kid now, so I can't walk away from it too quickly. So what exactly do you do? I'm on the relationship side, so basically I'm just a friendly voice on the other side of the phone.

talking about drugs for the people that make them. So the company that you... I'm not making friends, I can tell it's hard. You're advertising that the drugs by the huge pharmaceutical companies are good, basically, and you're coming up with ideas for that, or you're really just the relation... Really, just on the relation side.

I'll give them some ideas, but I'm not.

. Well, what's one of your ideas that you've given a pharmaceutical company?

I think it's called Adversity. They really seem to like that one a lot. Oh, yeah. That's you causing that, huh? Oh, absolutely, yeah.

You've got to have a Mexican, a black, a white, and at least one woman, and you'll be able to sell some drugs. Wow, incredible. You're the scum of the earth. Now you sound like my mom. Okay, anyway.

The girl you're with is Italian. What do you notice about Italian culture that you're not used to?

You've got to give them more room to talk. You can't stand too close, or you're going to get smacked on the head. That's a pretty big one. That's true. She's got three uncles that aren't related to her, so that was weird for me.

She's got Uncle Tony, Andy, and Vinny. They're cool guys, but they're not blood-related at all. That is true. A fun fact is that Italians have uncles, black people have cousins.

It is a cultural thing. Don't ask too many questions.

Yeah, I bet they bully you a lot. You have a vitamin D deficiency. That's the first I'm hearing of it. Did you get vaccinated yourself? I don't.

normally. I mean, fucking everybody. Oh, they got political. David and Tony moved to Texas. They think they're putting the chicken after the egg or something like that.

I moved here because of that. I did regret it, but I did get it. Did you get a booster? I did get a booster, too. Did you get two boosters?

How did it make you feel? Did you feel good? You got COVID immediately afterwards? Oh, immediately. It was like three months later.

Yeah, it's almost crazy. It just instantly came down.

How did it treat you, though? Since you were vaccinated, you must have been just done with it immediately. Not at all. It was like three weeks. Three weeks after being vaccinated.

That's amazing, because it's so safe in effect. Yeah, it was amazing.

And real life has the same fucking story. It's kind of crazy, right? And you sling that as a profession. Similar shit. You sleep at night.

Not well. Right. Very good. Just making sure. Now.

I like you. Very good. Way to own it. Spencer, what do you do for fun? I play music.

I'm a drummer. Really? You're a drummer?

and if you win, you're the new full time drummer. You get to leave your job as a piece of shit fucking big drug company, fucking advertising relations guy. And you get to be the new drummer on Kill Tony every single episode. We're talking fucking arenas. We have arenas.

Arenas. We're an arena act. You could be in arenas with your fucking Italian Halloween costume. Just living your dreams. And, by the way, how it works is Michael Gonzalez would have to become a drug slinging guy and he would be fucking your ultra Italian wife.

That's another thing. You have to completely switch lives.

So, ladies and gentlemen, this will be a drum solo. Get back there. This is Spencer, Michael. It's been a long time since we've had one of these. Very controversial, this segment.

that people have done good or bad. But we're going to find out. Spencer, how do you feel back there? You confident? You feel good?

All right, here we go. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Spencer, Michael, everybody.

All right, put a ribbon on it, Michael. Bring it home. That's your big finishing move there. All right, come on, Michael. Play the fucking drums.

I could beat you right now, but I'm not going to. No, I'm not going to. Ladies and gentlemen,

Wow, jeez louise, a brutal murder has taken place here today.

Yeah, good job, dude.

Spencer, Michael, how do you feel like that went? Oh, I think I know who won. It was pretty fucking obvious. How many of you have Spencer Michael winning and being the new full-time drummer of Kill Tony? I agree, dude.

Come on. There's one retard in the room.

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez keeping his job?

You tried, Spencer. You gave it your all. Hassan? Well, it was just nice to see the pharmaceutical drug pusher get his shit kicked in. That was nice.

Bro, I felt like Michael did that for America. That's how I felt.

God bless you, Michael.

For sure. But, my friend, since your drum solo was solo energy, I'm gonna give you some energy plus caffeine toothpicks from our friends over at ZipX. And here, my friend, is indeed a month in, a little joke book for you to get started. You're gonna give Michael his drumsticks back? You're gonna let him keep them?

Oh, you got a souvenir. You'll always remember the night you got fucking absolutely demolished. Hell yeah. Have a great night. Spencer, Michael, ladies and gentlemen.

Blake Alexander. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise for Blake Alexander. Hey,

hey, I appreciate you. Nice to see you. Family dynamics are interesting. Mom and dad are very different creatures. If you really piss mom off, she might ground you or go cry in her room.

If you really piss dad off, he might kill the whole family.

What Michael Jackson did to those kids is bad, but wouldn't it be so much worse to get molested by some nobody?

I don't know about you, folks, but I would let Caitlyn Jenner go down on me. I would, for sure. Because then I would have bragging rights for the rest of my life. Like, oh yeah? Well, I got head from one of the Jenner girls.

People would be like, really? Which one? Nah, don't worry about it. I appreciate you. Thank you, folks.

There you go. Okay. Blake Alexander. Solid set. How's it going, Blake?

Doing? wonderful, brother. First time on the show? Second time. Okay.

Welcome back. How long you been doing standup? Four years. All of it here in Texas? No, I started in Colorado, like right around the beginning of the pandemic.

How long have you been in Austin? About two years now, coming up. Okay. What do you do for a living? I'm a bartender on 6th Street.

Bartender on 6th Street. Okay. Yeah. I'm starting to remember that. West 6th, or this side of 6th?

This side of 6th. Interesting. On the boundary of 30.. Well, a little well too, put together to be on this side of 6th Street. Hell yeah.

I creep. I'm a degenerate. Okay. Tell us more about that. Yeah.

I mean, I got sober recently, like five months sober of alcohol. So that was, you know, beer's big for me. I definitely like, yeah, I appreciate you, of course. Not projecting, please. Everyone drink.

Enjoy it. If you can't enjoy it, please do. Like, again, having a couple of cocktails, what a beautiful part of life if you can do that and not also almost kill yourself on a monthly, weekly basis. How terrible did your drinking get? I mean, at a level,

a lot of crazy, yeah, just a lot of crazy shit. I completely black out. Give us a quantity. Like, when would you start? What would you drink?

I would, I? just, I go into the plan. I'm like, yeah, maybe have a couple of shots, and, you know, and then, uh, but mostly kind of, just keep the beers or keep the like individual drink cocktails. But once I get a couple of shots in, it's like the demon. just, you know, what types of things would happen when the demon?

Yeah. So I liked it. Yeah. I would be like, again, I would love to get sex work. Yeah.

Like you would order prostitutes. Well, I didn't like actually fucking the prostitutes. That made me feel dirty. So I had to. Yeah.

What the fuck? What kind of blackout drunk are you, dude?

My fucking dad was so mean to me.

Yeah. I mean, that's, what's amazing about the service that exists, um, Asian massage parlors, but also private dealers online. It's unbelievable. Just, just an hour massage. I would recommend everyone.

So, an hour long full body massage? Just get a massage for your own, like healthcare, and you'll feel amazing. Thank you. Yes. We all get our advice from a dirty six street bartenders.

No, again, you'll feel good. But, um, hand job is the greatest thing to top off a massage. You know you can do that to yourself? I prefer not. I've, I've had plenty of experience with that.

I enjoy the novelty. I literally, I don't think, uh, does anyone ever give you a new, a better hand job than you? Never. Uh, an old Asian woman at a massage parlor.

I get you.

A four hand hand job. Yeah. At a level. Two girls. You're saying an upside down.

Two girls. You're just two girls in the room, like at a level. There's just fun little creations. Four hands at once. Yeah.

Yeah. Or maybe working the balls. Again, stimulating. It seems like there's more than just that going on. I don't, I don't think you have the dick that would take four hands.

What do you have? Like someone like rubbing your thigh or something like that? There's two balls. And you know. So they have one hand on each ball.

Is that what you're implying? I mean, they get creative. They really try to suck on the nipples. I'd be like, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

Don't do that.

That's what is kind of addicting. Other than sucking on the nips, what else is going on? They try to suck. They try to escalate. And you don't want that.

I'd go, no. No. Respectfully. No mouth. No mouth.

No. Hand only. So they understand. Hand only. Yeah.

Why is that? Their teeth are what? Rotting out of their mouth. Oh, Jesus. These are.

No, not all of them. These are low budget. The one that tried to blow me. Again, if she had a nice set of teeth, it might have been a different story. Wow.

He's just poor. Yeah.

Before I quit drinking, kind of why I quit drinking, part of it was I went and signed up for two open mics and then got blackout drunk and then ended up going and getting this Brazilian. Ooh. Private. Private. You don't go to a salon.

Yeah. Did you give her a hand job?

Those Brazilians are wild. If the opportunity presented itself, I may have. But no, she was a real woman. In-call or out-call? In-call.

Yeah, yeah.

It's amazing. It's a beautiful thing not to blow up their, you know. All the dirt balls were wondering, in-call or out-call. No, it was a very comfortable in-call. Airbnb, safe, but I had trouble with it.

It was this horrible thing. They were so beautiful. It's unbelievable almost how beautiful they are. I'm like, wow, are you really doing this? No, again, I'm not.

You were drunk. No, no, no. You see the pictures when you, you know, if you do your research. You're doing sober research, drunk integration, drunk execution. So have you gotten one of these girls since you've been sober?

No, no. It's definitely. Even though the pictures of them are so beautiful. No, it is. Trust me, I still stand by a couple of these girls.

Quote, unbelievable. A couple. One could not believe how beautiful these available women are to come over and give a hand job. For the price, I would say unbelievable. What was the price?

What's the price of a Brazilian? It was for a 30 minute, 150.. What's the price of an Asian for an hour? What? Sorry.

What's the price of an Asian for an hour? Oh, 120 for a massage plus a hand job. What's the price for an Asian for a half an hour? I didn't go. I was indulgent.

I always go with 60 minute. You always go with the 60 minute. I like the massage. I love the massage. 60 minute, 120, but 30 minute hand job from a Brazilian, 150..

And they don't do massages. Oh, just straight to the dick. They will not rub a shoulder. For 30 minutes, they give you like 10 minutes of a shoulder massage. So it's like, yeah, it's pretty much right to business.

But again, it's still kind of cute. Yeah. By the way, the massages he's talking about, his price range, are not real massages. It's just a girl doing this to your...

we'd be surprised to know about you? Last time you were on the show, you probably weren't sober, right? This is why I don't recognize you. You're like one of those dogs that got rescued and you're all cleaned up now. Like a different shade and shape and everything.

Yeah, maybe a little bit. Definitely, probably a little bit healthier.

I mean, I'm chilling. I'm less crazy. Sex work and addiction, and waking up at 4 a.m. at a random gas station. Lost phone and shit.

Trying to live. Trying to enjoy this miracle of life. And last time you were on, you got a little joke book? No, I got a big joke book. Okay, well, there you go.

Enjoy it. Keep it going. Blake Alexander, everybody. I appreciate you. Have a good night.

I love you all. Thank you.

We're flying through them tonight.

Another bucket pull. We're flying through them. Make some noise for Samantha Blumenthal, everybody. Samantha Blumenthal. Here we go.

Hey guys. I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. Just wanted to show you that. In case anything I say bombs, you still know I'm talented. Thank you.

Last night, this guy told me I had a resting astrology face. And I don't get it. Guys, just think that I just kind of like know everything about zodiac signs and crystals. I don't understand. I don't know things about that, but I do believe in minerals.

Mineral fucking dumb.

I'm so sorry. I think this is because of my dad. When I was growing up, my dad fucked my best friend, Diana Ray. Yeah, you can look her up on Facebook. She's really fucking hot.

I want to be really clear. I love my dad. And he's not a pedophile. No, no. It's worse.

He's a bar mitzvah DJ.

Yeah. My friends tell me all the time, they're like, Sam, you have daddy issues. I'm like, how do I have daddy issues? I don't even fucking talk to him.

well. How are you? Great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months.

Two months. Yeah. Okay. Thanks. Yeah.

Very fun. Thank you. Resting astrology. Men are all dumb. I don't know if you know this, but we found out earlier that women that are into astrology and stuff are fucking dumb bitches.

According to a Mexican gay guy that was on earlier.

From? Chicago. Chicago. Absolutely. Good move.

Get out of there. Especially this time of the year. Yeah. An absolutely miserable fucking place. Especially for a little Jewish girl.

Thank you. Yeah. It's so cold I can't even walk. Right? Well.

Glasses. Okay. I'll be honest. I have an autoimmune condition and now I'm going to- You have a what? An autoimmune condition.

Okay. It's called cold urticaria. Ooh. So I get hives. Cold urticaria.

Isn't that one of your cousins? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Well, we're going to see those hives when Redman puts you in his freezer tonight.

Okay. Samantha, what do you do for work? I'm a dietitian. I help people heal their relationship with food and body image. Let's talk about that.

What are some ways that you can heal a relationship with food and body image? Well, you know- What are some of your secrets? I think one of the biggest things that I help with is kind of navigating emotional eating. So, any emotional eaters out in the crowd? Are you listening to this?

This is your part. I'm not an emotional eater, Tony. You could save your life. This is your chance to really turn things around. Yeah.

You're playing that for you. No. Look over here. Keep it up.

Go ahead. Keep that up. So, if you feel that you're eating from an emotional place, there's two questions we can ask ourselves. The first one, what am I feeling?

The second, what do I need? Because we only know what we need when we know how we feel. New material and lower ceilings.

He's a little piggy.

I am good. I just quit my job, though. I was there for four and a half years. You don't do that now. I don't do it anymore.

No. You got sick of those fat, sad foxes. Yes, I did. Yeah. Enough is enough.

Yeah. I'll be working as a dietician again somewhere else, but I have three months before I start that. Inco, alco, what are we talking about? Red band.

You're being a naughty boy, red band.

Oh, wow. That is interesting. Yeah. Usually, Jewish fathers are very centered, balanced. How do you think that went down?

Do you know why they ended up fucking? Do you know? Was your friend a little dirty slut? She was a dirty little whore. How old was she when she fucked your dad?

There was more to that. Was she of age? She was 19 years old. Yeah, your dad was patient. Yeah.

I would imagine. I mean, you don't just start liking your daughter's best friend at 19.. You're kind of eyeballing them at the pool a little bit.

She was one of his dancers. She was what? So, make some noise if you've been to a bar mitzvah. Okay. What are we doing here?

Sorry. Let's just get into it. Answer my questions. I'm so sorry. Make some noise if you've done some Yiddish shit.