#656 - MARK NORMAND + DAN SODER

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

you did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world right now. How we feeling tonight?

Yeah, baby. This is indeed Kill Tony. Brought to you by Squarespace, Shopify, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

Joining us tonight, special guest Tarell Shaheed over there on the saxophone. Austin local legend.

Here's the great and powerful Michael Gonzalez.

Matt Muehling is out touring tonight. We are here with the band leader, the legend. every show in Austin, Texas, the one and only John Dees on the keys.

And fan favorite, and one of my own personal favorites, the great Dee Madness on the bass guitar, everyone.

A lot of fun stuff planned for tonight's episode. Before we start it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Two of my funniest friends. Make some noise for Dan Soder and Mark Norman.

Let's fucking go.

Right when this sausage fest got a little too sausage-y. Here she is to add a little feminine energy. Some good mojo. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Follow her at GinaAAA.hg.

It's the worst Instagram handle of all time. Completely hot. Worst marketing of all time for a hot chick. Literally. Gina is not even her name.

Her name is Heidi, and her Instagram is GinaAAA.

hg. That makes no sense. I've been calling her Gina all night. It's also weird that her Instagram handles like a tough Wi-Fi password. Yeah, it really is.

It's absolutely ridiculous. Anyway, we're happy to have you guys. Welcome. We have one more special treat, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest band members in the history of the show is here.

Joining us, ladies and gentlemen, you know where you love her. This is the great Jetski Johnson, everybody.

Oh, shit. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Only the old-school fans know about that shit. Jetski's hilarious, and she also plays the horn, but she has a live mic and is absolutely phenomenally hilarious. And when she is, when she says something funny, afterwards, everybody goes.

vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. You guys get it? Yeah. Do it. You have to do it louder than that.

Try again. Okay, there you go. You guys get it. I like that. Hell, yeah.

It's fun. You'll see when it happens in action. She's a fucking little sniper. Hi, Jetski. Hey.

I'm no Heidi. I'm all personalities.

And it has begun.

There you go, motherfuckers. Absolutely. Other than that, you guys know how it works. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get 60 seconds. on this stage.

We'll let this little hanger fucking go up first. And while we wrangle the first comedian, and, as you know, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, and then they'll say, bring out the angry best Hollywood bear. And then we interview them.

We talk to them about anything that could be happening in their lives, or what makes them interesting or what might be funnier for them to talk about. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? While we grab the lucky human that will be going first out of our bucket pools, we have a regular on this show.

He has been starting every episode for the last few weeks. He's an absolute fucking sensation, a local icon, a comics comic, and also a fans comic, an absolute freak of nature, a bundle of energy, a power source. He literally is like a solar panel. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Casey Rocket!

The world is a vampire. Hell yeah. There we go. Very cool. Hell yeah.

Maybach music. All right. Very cool. Get lost. God, I'm riffing for two tonight, boys.

I'm pregnant. Okay. Cool. Get lost. God.

Nights like this, I wish I was still covered in mud, hiding from the predator. You know what I mean? Hoping he'd get close so I could steal a kiss. All right.

I got to get out of here. I got a date tonight, fellas.

Yeah, her name, Hot Singles. Her location, in my area.

The sex, casual and anonymous. No strings attached. Is she HIV positive? Oh, no. Is she going to try to steal my wallet later?

Oh, yeah. Is it a decoy wallet?

Hello.

He's also running for mayor. The pleasure's all mine, Tony. Happy to be here in the 21st district of Austin today. Absolutely. Zero laughs.

Okay.

Sorry about that. It was going good. It was going good before. Oh, shit. In the moment, wild, the great Jack, the Riffer, some people call him.

You have a lot of these nicknames, right? Cal Rifkin Jr. Yeah. Riffy Longstockings. The Boy Who Riffed.

Oh, oh, oh. The Hack Brown Band? I don't know. That's not one of them, actually. Ken Riffey Jr., perhaps?

Ken Riffey Jr.

, yep. Yeah. Who? Riff, Raff? Riff, Raff.

Yeah. Choosy Moms, Choose Riff? Yes. Yeah,

riffs, it's what's for dinner. Yeah, riffing strokes for riffering folks. That's right, yeah. Stuff like that. What are you talking about, Tony?

Red Band got excited on that one.

I love it. So what's been going on, Casey Rockett? Everything good? Been good, yeah. I was in Chicago.

Thursday, Wisconsin, Friday, rally yesterday. Been going around. It's been going good. So I've been doing that. Philly, tomorrow.

Big laughs. Wow, you're just flying around. Flying around, riffing around the world. You said rally yesterday. What kind of rally was it?

Was there a tiki torch? Yeah. He really does look like he sets up the rallies. Yeah. Yeah.

You look like the first half of the show, Intervention. Yeah.

It's not true.

It's not true. Now, the interesting thing about Casey is that, and I don't want to blow your cover or get too personal, but you're sober, right? Whoa! Yeah, I'm sober. I've been sober for years.

Yeah. Maybach music, thank you. Damn, dude, that must have been a wild ride when you were it.

Casey, can I ask you a personal question? Absolutely. Was it huffing?

Yeah, we used to huff. Ether, yeah. Nice. Ether, air duster. Whippets?

Whippets, yeah. Yeah. Good tie-in. You need any? You got Whippets?

We can get them. Yeah, I used to huff. Yeah, Hillary Duff, huff. Yeah, I used to huff. Yeah.

That's all about it. Yeah, there's a demographic for huffing. Are you a religious guy? Mm-mm. Where do you get your energy?

Wait, do you think that's what religious people are like?

It is true. You ever go to church, Casey? Mm-mm. No. Really?

No, not me. What happens if you step inside of a church? Turn to stone, I guess. Yeah. He really would look like he could crawl on the ceilings without notice.

You're like, oh my God. He's here.

Atheist. I thought you said Casey-ist. I was like, yeah, I get it.

Yeah, Casey enthusiasts. We were in Chicago on Thursday and a big Casey Rocket crowd. And this guy, I guess, ate too many edibles and he passed out in the second row. He like, fell on his face and had to do a fucking riff. resurrection.

Had to bring him back.

The second riffing. What? Yeah.

Casey, you're an absolute fucking machine. No better way I can imagine in the world to get an episode of this show started with your energy, with your jokes, your fucking bing, bing, boom, boom. You truly are. Thank you, guys. Hell yeah.

So fun. Thank you. Make some fucking noise for Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. That is how you do it. The regulars of Kill Tony are freaks of nature.

Now we go to the bucket. Now, this is where we found all of the regulars. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's the best set we've ever seen in the history of the show. Maybe it's the worst.

Maybe they're a genius. Maybe they're insane. Maybe they're a 20-year veteran. Maybe it's their first time. Your first bucket pull of the night, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes by the name of Raul Sanchez.

And here we go.

Thank you. I like drinking, man. It makes me a pleasant human being. Sometimes I get a little too fucked up, though. One time I got so drunk I caught myself speeding on the highway because I confused the number of the highway with the speed limit sign.

I was like, 97?

. Fuck. That was pretty specific, no?

Then I thought, I better go 92, just to be safe.

You know how the cops are around here, man.

You guys never gotten that fucked up?

One time I was at a bar, I got hammered, right? I started talking to this chick, and we hit it off, right? So I decided to buy one of those condoms from the machines in the bathroom. Yeah, and then later that night we were about to get it on, I opened it up, and it was too Advil.

It's come a long way.

Oh, my goodness, gracious.

Raul Sanchez has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.

San Antonio. San Antonio, that's right. You were on this show there, correct? No. No?

No, this is my first time. But I know you from, how did you end up opening for me? then? I opened for you in Cap City, when I used to live here. That's right.

And you were coming down here all the time. That's right. And I had you do it a few times after that, right? Yeah, a couple of times. I think two or three times, I featured for you.

Because you're fucking hilarious. I appreciate it. Well, look at you. I love it. Now you're in the mix here.

That was great. Yeah, man. Yeah, my Norman. That was killer. You're really good.

And just in true Mexican fashion, you're going to take our jobs. Yeah. It is true. Dan. What I love about Raul is he feels like you're just hanging out with a dude, you work with, that you get drunk with.

And you're like, dude, Raul's fucking hilarious.

Tell me about it.

So, Raul, you're a freak of nature. How long have you been doing standup? 13 years. 13 motherfucking years. Let's see if I love that.

I love that people that have been doing it that long sign up for the show. You come here. You fucking flex. You showcase your goddamn skills. And now look at you.

You're right here. Absolutely thriving in the mix. How do you make a living just from standup? Standup. And I also get disability from the VA.

Oh, wow. You're a veteran.

Yeah, yeah. I did four years in the army. Mexican army?

You were in the Air Force? Oh, no. Airborne infantry. Jumped out of a plane. OK.

Oh, boy. The migrants are getting good.

They're airdropping them. Yep. That's a way to get over the fence.

Incredible. So what were you doing? You were jumping out of planes? Yeah. And then, well, not in country.

Once we were in, like, Iraq and Afghanistan, there was a lot of, like, just busting people's doors open in the middle of the night. OK.

I love it. So, but sometimes you would jump out of an airplane. Yeah, I mean, it was, like, you have to practice it, like, for when you, I guess, if we ever get into a real war with, like, people that got, like, real stuff. Right.

Instead, we just like to fucking practice a lot, I guess. Oh, my God. I can't picture. I don't think I've seen a lot of Mexican people jumping out of the old jumping bean. You know what I mean?

I haven't seen this before. There's a lot, actually. There are? Yeah. Is that what we have them doing?

Wait, did you just try to compare Mexicans jumping out of airplanes, like, to black people swimming? It feels like you made the jump. I mean. Where you're like, I don't see, you don't see a lot of Mexican skydivers.

People. They're people. They are people of the land.

That is hilarious. Do you come from a big family, Raul? No, it's just me and my sister. Wow, another stereotype completely broken by Raul Sanchez. Well, actually, we did come over here illegally back in 91..

I mean, you're one of the good ones. You come over.

A brown thumb.

So you came here illegally and just joined the army. See, that's fair. That's how it should be. You want to come here illegally? Join the army.

I like it.

I love it.

That wasn't your joke. It was a genuine. I'm regathering myself. I love it. Raul, what else would we be surprised to know about you in your life?

This is a very interesting set and interview. You're absolutely killing it.

I used to be a drug addict.

What are we talking? What kind of drug? Mostly cocaine. Okay. A lot of people going 97 and a 75 back there.

We used to just stay up all night and do coke till we threw up. I don't mean to judge your friend, but he sounds like a really shitty coke dealer. He's like, yeah, we'll go to the place behind my parents and just do all my stash. Yeah, it was a pretty bad idea. What would you guys do for fun?

After you do the cocaine, what would you guys do? This is around the time that I started doing stand-up.

After a while, stand-up started getting in the way of the coke.

It got out of hand pretty quick. I ran out of money and I just stopped. There you go. A natural end to an addiction.

Stand-up started getting in the way of my addiction. But stand-up won. You stopped coke, you're still doing stand-up. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you got one minute of material.

Thank you. Do you ever get tempted to do it? Do you ever have a moment of weakness? Oh, yeah, of course. What does that take?

Does that happen when you're out? Well, I just do it. Oh, okay.

That's a way to do it. Absolutely. He's admitted to three felonies here, for those of you keeping track. Army, border jumping, drugs.

Every time. I'm like, he's one of the good ones. He's like, I do cocaine all the time. I'm like, okay.

Out of our house, yeah. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show sometime, if you can.

I mean, that's about as good as it can get out of the bucket. Make some noise for Raul Sanchez. Thank you, appreciate it. Oh, wow. What a start of the show so far.

Right now, we're on pace for episode of the year. It happens that quick. Oh, look at the lovely Heidi. I mean, my goodness, gracious. Are we the luckiest people on planet Earth, or what?

I'm sorry, I looked at your boobs. You got the bottom boob. I feel like I really got caught. I looked over and she was like, you need to scoot forward. I was like, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm Roy. And I'm Maul. And we're the hosts of the new Roy and Maul podcast. That's right. I know you're probably listening to a podcast that you actually like right now.

And we just interrupted it with an ad. That's all right. We're here. And I appreciate if you didn't hit the 15 second skip button. Listen to our show, where we cover topics like music, movies.

Yes. TV shows. Love to binge watch. Of course. Just lifestyle stuff.

And give our crazy stories about our day to day lives. Yeah. Check us out on the new Roy and Maul podcast. Listen to wherever you get your podcast. And let us know how you're feeling about our show.

And once you're done listening to this podcast that you actually like, maybe you could check us out. Hey, guys. What you're listening to currently, this is a commercial promoting the Pete and Sebastian show. This podcast chronicles the life of Pete Correale, comedian, writer, actor, and myself, Sebastian Maniscalco. What are your credentials?

Fucking De Niro movies. My credentials are this cast. It's a show like no other. Yes, we do have amazing banter together. But you know what we just implemented right now?

We implemented guests such as. Yeah, we had freaking Jay Leno, Bill Burr, the great Andy Garcia, Jake Johnson. I mean, come on. The list goes on and on. It's going to continue going on.

On and on. This is cutting edge comedy. Cutting edge. Coming direct to you in your headphones. We will see you there.

Thanks for listening to the Pete and Sebastian show. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Pamela Galvez, everybody. Pamela Galvez. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Oh, shit.

Here we go.

And oh, in case you don't know what pegging means, pegging means when a girl, I guess, wears a plastic dick and puts it in the butt of the guy. And it made me really appreciate what you guys go through. It's a lot of fucking work. It's a lot of work to do this. And it's very hard to find the hole, too.

And I thought, like, all the position, I thought, like, when he was on top of me, that would be easy. No, that wasn't easy. But, guys, if your dick could get pregnant, you wouldn't want to stick it everywhere. So just, you know, because you guys always want to, like, stick your penises everywhere.

You're on time. Rare, for your people. Yeah, because, you know, I'm never, exactly, I'm never on time. What ethnicity are you exactly? Dominicana.

She was hypnotizing. Mark. Mark was starting to present to her. I want some rice and beans. Yeah.

She said it three times. Yeah. You say Dominicana, three times, guava juice shows up out of nowhere. This is an incredible. Dan?

Peg Bundy. How many times have you done it? Peg Bundy. Oh, I did it like five times. It was amazing.

Same dude? Same dude. Yeah, it was amazing. So, ladies, please try it. Please try it.

Oh, you feel so powerful. I was like, oh, now I get it. It's a good feeling, so. Okay. Returning the favor.

It's getting hot in here. Oh, shit. There goes the jacket. Look at this. This is like a fucking, this is like a, all right.

Yeah. Don't say Dominican again, or they'll appear.

I like it. How long you been doing stand-up, Pamela? Three years. Where at? New York City and LA and Miami.

You gotta spread around, right? You gotta spread yourself around, right? Yeah. Spread those cheeks. Yes, exactly.

And lube it up, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. I'm scared, shitless, of this lady. I told you, I wanna open up a pegging gym for women.

Sure. Bad idea. Decor. 24-hour shitness.

Yeah, that does happen. Okay. So, Pamela, what do you do for a living? How do you make money? I am a registered nurse.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I thought she was gonna be a sex offender.

School nurse. There's the jetskis. The jetskis have arrived. D-Madness. All right, we get it.

You're going, P-D-Madness. There he goes. 15 minutes into the show, his first P-break, everybody. There he goes. A true professional, D-Madness.

I bet you're going hard with that thermometer in there, huh? In the butthole. Loop it up, baby, loop it up. Oh, my God. Tony, so I know you wanted to be a heart doctor.

See, I had open heart surgery. Okay. ASD. ASD. Atrial septic defect.

So, you know, heart people. Okay. That's all I just wanted to say. So, what was the defect? Supraventricular tachycardia?

Yes, yes. Wow, look at that. There you go. No big deal. What?

Tony, you have no heart. Exactly. I know. It's like the ultimate tale, you know, a man with no heart wanted to be a heart doctor. A little boy.

Shocking. Uh-oh. So, when did you have the surgery? When I was seven years old. Wow.

Incredible. I wear my scar very proudly, so. I love it. I love it. Absolutely incredible.

We should all wear our scars and everything proudly. Okay, over here, over here. Sorry. Really long answers to yes or no questions. What do you do for fun, Pamela?

I like to go to the beach and swim and do comedy. Okay. You like to swim? I love to swim, yeah. What kind of swimming do you do?

It makes me feel free, like no, you know, there's no gravity. You're just, just you and your thoughts. Yeah. That's kind of how water works. Yeah.

That's also how people from the Dominican Republic get here. Yeah. It is incredible. following your ancestors. We can't legalize that.

Footsteps there. Pamela, what else? Tell me something interesting about you. Swimming isn't really cutting it for me. Yeah, no.

Where are you at? on Dominicans, saying the N-word? Is that allowed? Good question. That's a, that's a, yeah, that's a touchy one, so.

What do you think? You're Dominican. Dominican, Dominican. See, no, I don't like, I don't.

You'd definitely register with an HOA. Yeah.

So I also do comedy for disabled comedians. Ooh. Because I'm disabled too. You just can't see it, you know. Cuckoo, obviously.

And so, yeah, so. Really? It's a very passion, a passion of mine, yeah. Dan Soder. The more and more we go on, the more and more I see how crazy that guy is for letting you peg him.

He just broke up with me on Valentine's Day. What was his reasoning? My ass is bleeding. He couldn't handle my craziness. He broke your heart, you broke his back.

He broke my heart. Absolutely incredible.

On Valentine's Day. On Valentine's Day. How did he break it to you? Was it a text? Call?

Text after three and a half years. Three and a half years. Three and a half years in a text? Good for fucking his butt, lady. Yes, thank you.

Exactly. Yeah. Fucking in the butt. Wow. Damn, Pegasaurus.

Work it, work it. I like that one. I like that one. I like that one. Pegasaurus.

Unbelievable. So he left you on, you guys didn't get to hang out on Valentine's Day? No. Wow. Did you get him anything?

Did you have something prepared for Valentine's Day? Perhaps some melted bedroom chocolates or something like that? Right, right, yeah. To blend in with the sheets?

Yeah, that's why you always have to have tissue on the side to, yeah, clean it up. Okay. Gosh, wow, we're still, oh my gosh, we're talking about poop stuff and butts. That's what you did. You brought that up.

Congratulations. I did, I did. That was your 55 seconds. You created this for yourself. Pamela, here's a little joke book.

There you go. All right. We're having fun here. You guys having fun?

All right, another bucket pull. Here we go. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Jay Hinsdale, everybody. Jay Hinsdale.

Here he is, Jay Hinsdale.

Oh, crap.

I was at a strip club during the day recently.

I wasn't there for any particular reason. I was just trying to get my mom's engagement ring back.

Going to a strip club during the day is weird, though. Going to a strip club during the day is kind of like going to a haunted house at night.

It's dark. You feel like you're not supposed to be there. Walls are covered in ectoplasm.

Seeing a stripper during the day is weird, too. Seeing a stripper during the day is kind of like seeing Batman during the day. They both got cool costumes, but you can see the scars.

Batman fights crime. Stripper fights crime. The catch and release is a little different for the stripper, but she does keep criminals off the streets for an unspecified amount of time, and if you read the comics, that's better than Batman.

To the tism.

Absolutely. Well, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, I was actually on the show. the first episode you did with an audience after COVID.

At Antone's? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Our first episode in Austin.

Yeah, you ruined my life. I did?

So what have you been doing? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years now. You didn't start on the show. You were doing it for a year or so before?

I was doing it for three months, and I got pulled. It changed my life, man. Yeah. For real. Amazing.

Tell us more about that. I'm interested for the people at home to hear what happens when you make an impression on Kill Tony. How did it change your life? I was three months in, man.

You're at the point when you start, where you think you're kidding yourself, and you were so fucking nice to me. That was crazy. For real.

You're the reason that I kept going.

You hear that, you faggots? It's meat.

He does have the name of an assassin. Jay Hinsdale. Then assassinated Tony Hinchcliffe. It was a great set. Really good set.

Thank you. I appreciate it. Unlike you, your jokes have no fat on them. Yeah, I know. I once went to an Antifa-sponsored vegan barbecue for trans awareness.

Oh, no. Yeah. I found out they don't accept trans fats.

You are a machine, J.

P. Hinsdale. I'm just going to write in the P and call you J.P. Is that okay? That's great.

Thank you. All right. You're welcome.

Now you've been doing it, what did you say, four years? Four years, yeah. You make a living doing it? No.

She held on a good long while. You're next, baby. Yeah. I love it. Who was it?

Grandma? Yeah. How did she die? It was getting to that time. I was like, honestly, it just happened this year.

It was pretty messed up, man. Was there a... Okay. Red band? relax.

Jesus Christ. Mostly because my mom didn't die. Right. Sorry. Well, now we know your pecking order.

Yeah. Exactly. She had a pecking order. Yeah.

So.

. 20 with a dildo.

Okay. Okay, JP.

Touché, touché. There you go. All right. So what do you... You live in Austin?

Yes, sir. What do you do for fun?

This. Right. Have you been signing up a lot? We haven't seen you in... Yeah, I've been signing up since I moved here, and even before.

I was coming out every Monday. So we haven't gotten you on since the first episode in Austin, Texas, which is well over three years ago. And you've been signing up continuously. Like, off and on when I could get here, but in the past three months, I've been signing up every week. Amazing.

Yeah. It's fucking tricky with hundreds of people in the bucket. This is a perfect example of the fucking randomness of the show. But, you know, I was just telling, I think it was Rogan the other night, that, you know, William signed up for, I think it was a year or something crazy, continuously, and he never once got up. And then, after a year, we pull his name out of the bucket.

Now he has the record for most appearances and interviews all time on the show. So it goes to show that fucking, you know, persistence and everything is whatever. You're fat. Let's talk about that. What do you like to eat, JP?

Yeah, dude. Wait, what don't you like to eat? Let's start there. What's the late night fucking gluttonous pleasure? Yeah, tell us, Taste, Oracle.

Taste, okay. It's not pussy. Not pussy.

No. When I can, but it's a delicacy.

Incredible.

Absolutely incredible.

Incredible that you're the bucket pool that doesn't have the heart surgery scar in between your breasts. No, it's only because I can't afford it. Right. Well, you be careful. We might start a heart surgery coach on me.

Incredible, JP. Do you ever exercise? What's the most motion that you do in a week? Jerk it off. I get out of bed.

That's pretty difficult. There you go. I do have a bad leg, so that makes things... What's wrong with your leg? I broke it and I didn't have health insurance, so it just kind of healed wrong.

Oh, shit. You got a homeless leg. Yeah.

Oh, man. I bet you could boot the shit out of a soccer ball.

Bring Raul back up. Let's see.

Okay. JP, anything else that we should know about you before letting you go back? I did just come out this year as bisexual. Oh!

Yeah. Twice, the rejection. I don't know if my heart can take it. Incredible. Yeah.

I don't think your heart can take much. So what made you come out as bi? How does this happen exactly? You might understand this, Tony. Yes, of course.

Like, I don't know. Have you ever been in a relationship so toxic that you considered taking dick again? What's he? a gay person? I didn't like it so much when I was 11, but I've matured a lot since then.

Hold on. This is all moving too fast for me. That was good. This is all moving too fast for me. Were you in a relationship with a girl and she broke your heart?

Yeah. How did that happen? She break up with you on Valentine's Day?

No. What'd she do? Our psychological problems were too connected. It just got bad. Is she dead?

No. But she's on the pecking order, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Right behind mom. Not for lack of trying.

It goes, mom, Rebecca. And then my stupid, dead grandma.

Hell yeah. So how's the bisexuality been working? Are you on an app or something like that? Dude, guys are fucking savage. Yeah.

Like, savage. I don't know if it's good or bad. Bad, savage. Like, dude, I don't, like, man. I remember the first night I was out.

This, like, guy was coming up. He's like, hey, can I blow you in the bathroom? And I was like, I'm just new to this. I'm not quite ready for this shit yet. Oh, my God.

What a gay bitch you are. Dude, get that dick sucked, bro.

I was like, whew, take it easy. Let somebody see your dick. I know. Because you're not seeing it. No.

Jesus Christ. I had somebody describe it to me once. Apparently, it's majestic. Well, if it's anything like your leg, it's huge. It's a sight to behold, either way.

Yeah. What are the apps you're on? Uber Eats? Yeah.

Grub Sub. I love it. I love it. So what gay shit have you done?

Well, I was driving Lyft for a while.

He was making out with this dude. when I picked him up. He was making out with a woman. when you picked him up? No, he was making out with a dude.

Oh, gotcha. And then he gets in the car. And he's like, I hate this shit. And I'm like, what? I'm like, he's like, I hate hooking up with straight guys.

Yeah. And I was like, that guy was straight? And he's like, yeah, he came in with his girlfriend. I'm like, I'm pretty sure he didn't come out that way. Yeah.

He was like, so we're just sitting, talking, having a normal, chill conversation. While you're driving him? Yeah. Where's he going, home? Yeah, he's going home.

And then we get to his destination. Wait, take off your hat again. You're like a gay jelly roll. Look at this, everybody.

Look at this fucking smelly roll over here. Oh, my goodness. You're going to sing the national anthem for us? I love it. I mean, if you want.

I'll get the words wrong. Oh, gay, can you see?

We've heard this before. Yeah. Yeah, why are you like a bug zapper for people that want to suck dick?

Just everyone's like, I got to suck this guy's dick. I've always wanted to know what it feels like to have a belly on my head as I blow a guy. It's a moth to a flamer. Look, I understand it less than you do. I've never heard somebody ask me that question until recently.

Well, when it rains, it pours. It does. But he goes like, hey, man, you want me to suck your dick? And I'm like, I thought about it. I was like, that's really nice of you, but.

You are the worst at turning down fucking blowjobs. I know. I knew it, this. Oh, that's very nice of you. But then he was like.

You've been blown on the clock. I know. I know. I would have gotten more than just the tip.

He thinks being gay is so wrong that it's a crime.

We hear you, D-Madness. You're saying so much with your bass guitar right now. Like that's not.

And I was like, I was an altar boy. I'm not. It's like, I know that trick.

It's just, fool me once, shame on you.

And then he's like, well, at least describe it to me. And I was like, it was like 2 in the morning. I was like, I've never had to describe my penis. Challenge accepted. So it didn't take long.

I explained it. And then after that, he was like, how are you going to describe your penis to me? and not, let me see it? Can I ask you how you described your penis?

It was a windy night. I was new at this. I was feeling my loins burning in a certain direction. I mean, it's distinguished, but it leans a little to the left. Just like your leg.

Exactly. I love it. It's a structural issue. OK. But anyways, his logic was sound.

So I was like, I guess I have to do it. I don't know. Are you saying this guy argued you into being gay? Yeah. And did he pay you for the ride?

Yeah. Oh, man, that's got to be a violation of Lyft. Yeah, probably. It's a good thing. I don't do that anymore.

You're a hooker. I know.

That's what everyone keeps telling me. No, technically I'm pansexual, but I don't like talking to those people. Is it like frying pan? Yeah. More of a skillet.

Yeah. OK. So what do you mean by pansexual? Explain that to us Republicans in the room. I really hate explaining this, but basically it's not the package, it's what's inside.

You, like holes. Yes. Yes. You do? Yes.

But not the mouths of innocent humans. No. No. Because you're new at this. I am new at this.

Very, very. So. who have you hooked up with? I don't know. A couple dudes.

I'm not getting names and shit. I'm not to the point. Well, I don't want their names. OK.

I love it, JP. I find you to be extremely interesting. How long of a set do you think you've acquired in your four years of being a stand-up? Canadian? Longest set I've done is 45 minutes.

45 minutes. Where are you originally from? I'm from L.A. L.A.? Yeah.

That's where your family's from? Yeah. Wow, I would not have guessed that. But no, I've been here for...

I've been here for about 18 years, so I've been here long. Wow. Incredible. You're from L.A.? Yeah.

Interesting. You know what, JP? I find your story to be so incredibly compelling. What part of L.A. are you originally from?

Glendale. I've lived all over Glendale, Long Beach, Burbank. You've lived all over Los Angeles. Yeah. And meanwhile, on May 10th, we will be at the Kia Forum.

The Forum. Have you heard of this arena? Yes. The world-famous arena? How would you like to do a minute at the Forum in L.A.?

Yes. You would? Yes, thank you.

What about your pecking order? Is mom still alive? Yeah, but she's here. She's in Austin? No, she's just around.

That would have been great if he was like, I'm new. I can't accept it. I can't. Yeah. I was going to have you invite her out to the show, but I guess only grandma is going to be watching your performance at the Forum.

Red Band? I would also love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, if you can. Hell yeah, thank you. There you go. Thank you.

Look at that, dude.

He just became an arena act, ladies and gentlemen.

JP Hinsdale, everyone. And like that, magic happens. He goes from signing up every single week to going back to where he started his life in Los Angeles, performing in an arena, only under the condition that he lets me suck his dick, of course. So keep an eye on that. Could be taken away at any point.

He likes to play hard to get. Yeah, right. And soft to get at the same time. It's very bizarre. Ladies and gentlemen, as you see, dreams can come true on this show, and none bigger than the one that you're about to see, an absolute force of nature, one of our regulars, writes and performs a new minute every single week.

I present to you a freak. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Cam Patterson.

Hell yeah.

That last nigga, gay as hell, dog. Gay as shit. Super-duper gay. Very gay. Unlike that guy, I like bitches.

I love women. They cool as hell. I had a threesome for the first time a couple weeks ago, and I made two women come to the same conclusion that I'm pretty bad at sex. I'm mad because I told them that joke, and they laughed harder than y'all did. I hate them, hoes.

I hate them with my whole heart. That shit really pissed me the fuck off. It was weird because at one point, one of the girls got mad at the other girl because I was fucking the other one too much, because her pussy was better. I'm a genius. You know what I'm saying?

And so she got mad and went to a different room, so I had to fuck them in different rooms. So just imagine me butt-ass naked, 14-inch dick. Don't think about it too hard. 14-inch dick, super flaccid. I'm soft, not even hard.

yet. I'm just dragging the floor, and I'm running butt-ass naked, but my socks and slides still on. because if you fuck without your socks and slides on, you gay. That's gay as hell, dawg. You fuck butt-ass naked, that's gay as shit, right?

So I'm running back and forth like a Scooby-Doo, chasing, right, just fucking, just hitting that shit, right? And I really enjoyed it. I thought it was a good time, and I called my homeboy. I was like, hey, man, I had a threesome last night. That shit was dope, and I explained I was going back and forth, back and forth.

He was like, you didn't have a threesome. They ran a train on you. That's it. That's Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah, Cam Patterson.

Yeah. Them niggas already going to hate me for that one, but. Oh, yeah. That's how I'm going to fuck their mom, or something. That's right.

Absolutely. Get their moms pregnant. Yeah, that's a good idea. I should do that. The fun thing about fucking a hater's mother is that you can come inside of her all you want.

Yeah. Let her deal with the repercussions. I could be your stepfather, some shit like that. Yeah. Exactly.

God damn, what a cool threat. I'm going to fuck the shit out of your mom.

I'll be like, I'll listen. I'll listen to her stories. I love it. Cam, you're absolutely killing. What else is going on in the world?

You really did that, huh? You went in two different rooms? Yeah. They were upset with each other.

And then you went in there, and what did you say to her? You were like, hey, I want to fuck... I said, stop being mad, bitch. Yeah. Okay, that's a direct approach.

Super insulting. I'm writing it down. All right, keep going.

She likes to be, you know what I'm saying? This feels like a fucked up hitch.

How do you know who to talk to aggressively and who to not talk to? You got to talk to the aggressive ones aggressively. You know what I'm saying? If she really, like, overly aggressive, you got to be aggressive back. Like, I don't hit women, but I'll shake the shit out of a bitch.

You know what I'm saying? I'll shake it. How did you know that the one girl's vagina was better than the other girl's vagina if you fucked the one girl first? Because I tried both of them. You tried both of them?

I tried both of them. You're on the old Pepsi challenge.

Yeah, a little, je ne sais quoi.

I will tell you. my favorite part about the threesome is. I went outside, I was on the phone with my homeboy about some shit, and then I came back in, and one of the girls was eating the other girl's pussy, and I was like, man, life is great, man. Yeah. So I decided, I had, like, two entries I could choose to go through at this point in life, you feel what I'm saying?

I could either, like, just shove my dick in her mouth or, like, fuck the other one, and I shoved my dick in her mouth, and I think that was a pretty good decision. Yeah. Choose your own adventure. Yeah. What a post-game conference.

Yeah, right? I could have gone puss, wet mouth. Don't regret it. Don't regret it. Great idea.

I liked it a lot. Let's also take note that during all of this talk about fucking women and women eating each other out, not once have we heard bow-na-na-na-no-no.

Unbelievable. And you fuck with the slides on. Oh, I got to. Yeah, you got to. Yeah, because you go socks on the carpet.

Yeah, you got to have, you know what I'm saying, good traction. Yes, yes. You definitely have an. I'm running to the liquor store outfit on.

Traction. Yeah. If you don't like, you feel what I'm saying, like, not on really carpet, but if you like, on like hardwood floors and shit, you be slipping. You be slipping and shit. So you stay at the edge of the bed and you bring them kind of towards you?

Yeah, I like to hold them to their toes. Because slides, it would be hard to keep them on in the missionary position, I do believe. Oh, trust me, I keep them bitches on. You keep them on. You got to grip the hoe with your toes a little bit.

Oh, my God, that is incredible. These don't come off at all, bro. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he got up on his toes like Michael Jackson. Got to grip the hoe. Look at me, look, grip them bitches, gripping.

Wow. That is incredible. This guy just agrees with whatever you say.

Incredible.

It's my AAU team, man.

Trying to get there, bro. I did that before. I was like 19,, not playing basketball in like a year. Did that before. I can see it.

I think I bought those Skittles.

Hell yeah. All right, Cam. I mean, you did it again. An absolute unbelievable performance. yet again.

Just choke, choke, choke, choke, choke. Nobody does it quite like him. Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody.

Come on, you can do better than that. Make some noise for Cam, everyone.

Tanner Amiglio from the inside. Well, no, is that him? Tanner, you here? Here he comes. All right.

How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Well, there you go. A bunch of ruthless people in this room tonight. Absolute monsters. Make some noise for Tanner Amiglio, everybody.

From the inside. One of your very own. One more time for Tanner Amiglio.

I get confused watching the news a lot. Like, I'll see, like, a protest going on and you'll see, like, a bunch of fat people and, like, they're activists. Like, what the fuck you active about?

Shh. Hold on.

No, dude, like, I like listening to my parents have sex.

I don't care what you think, dude. They're my parents, bro. Fuck you.

It's fun to think about, you know, like, my dad's, shorter than my mom. My dad's Asian. It's cool. He just teeter-totters on her.

I know he's doing a good job, too. Like, I hear my mom go, Oh, yeah.

All right, cool. Wow.

This is your first time, right? Yes. Dan Soder. What up, Dan? What's up, dude?

How are you? I'm doing great, dude. You really look like a kid that was kidnapped and then returned. I just kept asking, Oh, dude, let me play the iPad. Get the fuck out.

Incredible. How old are you? 21.. 21 years old. Wow.

Yeah, it's going down.