“Will Ferrell: LIVE in Washington DC”

Are we in the cold open right now?

We're in the, yeah, the show's happening right now.

Okay, so the cold open is right now. We're about to do our first show. That's our first, first, first live show.

What should we, should we let people...

Let's pray to the podcast god. Okay, pray to the podcast god. What's, what's, what's... You want to bring it in? Is it him or her?

It's all of them.

So it's a they.

It's everything.

It's everything.

It's everybody. We're all, we're all inclusive. Okay, what's the prayer?

And the prayer is...

Please, Lord Pod...

Podcat. Podperson.

Please shine your happy, funny, light, lovely light on our stupid, stupid idea to go live with this pod.

And...

And...

Welcome to the Smart List.

Smart.

Thank you. Washington, D.C., thank you for having us.

Yes, thank you for having us.

This is...

And please, above all things, manage your expectations. Yeah. Because this was really, you know, kind of a half a joke, and then we got an invite, and we said, well, maybe we should.

Yeah.

But we want to make sure you guys understand, it's just the three of us talking to a person for an hour. Yeah.

That's it.

There's. no... That's it. That's it. So I hope you enjoyed it.

I mean...

There's not going to be any singing. There's no, dancing. There's no...

We don't even know how to do it. We sat down, and we were backstage, and we were dicking around.

Well, make sure you buy one of these.

Yeah.

Or four of them.

Or four. But we were dicking around. We were doing Sing for Real backstage, and Jason didn't want to do it because he claims he can't sing.

I can't sing. I don't even sing a show.

You guys know about Sing for Real that we talked about, right? Have you guys...

Have we talked about Sing for Real? No, I don't think so. So tell them what it is.

So Sing for Real is... It started a long time ago. One of the big enemies of the podcast, Justin Theroux, JT from New York. He did this bit where we would sing in the car, and then he'd say, no, sing for real, which means you can't do it as a bit. You can't, like, embellish.

Like, sing the best you possibly can.

And it's so embarrassing. Yeah.

It's so embarrassing. So, Will, Sing for Real...

But you sing for real. You've done Broadway.

I like when Will does it. So, Will, Sing for Real...

No, I'm saying you know how to sing for real.

Yeah, you have to sing for real. Give me a song. Any song. What is it? Don't Stop Believin'.

What are the lyrics? Just Don't Stop Believin'.

Don't stop believin'. Right. Hold on to that sweet...

By the way, it stops here. We're not going around.

Hold on to that sweet...

Sweet feeling, yeah. Yeah. Okay, ready? But now, he can't do a bit.

I can't do that.

He can't make fun of the song. He has to really sing it really like he's really doing it.

I'm not fucking focusing. It's the worst.

Okay, go. Okay, ready? Three, two, one, go.

Don't stop believin'.

Right?

Is that...

That was pretty good. That was pretty good. But now, wait. I want to talk about... Hold on to that feelin'.

Now, you're doing a bit.

Oh, oh.

All right. All right, so wait. Listen.

Have you... Now, have you ever done any musical theater?

I'm pretty sure that just cost us about $150,000.. I know, I know.

Okay, so wait. Now, listen. When we... We flew in. I've only been to D.C.

Sean, why don't you just relax and get casual and cross your legs a little bit?

So, we, uh... We, uh...

Wait, why did I bring my phone out here?

What am I doing? You brought your phone?

I... Listen, I'm a doctor.

We were driving in from the airport yesterday, and I said I wanted to know where a specific thing was, which was a land...

Oh, no, you were driving along, and there's some parkland or whatever, and you go... And Sean, seriously said, is that where the grassy knoll is? Or was it...

Not a bit.

Could not be less smart.

So, I really didn't know. I thought... Then you explained it. He's so funny.

Well, it was shocking how little both of you knew about anything. That was... That was a real shock.

Yeah.

Well, I... What he didn't know, I bet you guys don't, the... This came from the Washington Monument. This was... This started...

This whole symbol started... I keep giving it to them, for sure.

Yeah. No, this...

There's a great... There's a still.

Because it was... Jason Bateman on stage in D.C.

immediately gives the crowd the...

It's a big... It was a big F.U. back to Europe that we made it, we did it, and look, we got a monument now, and that's where this all started.

I don't know if that's true.

It's not, Sean.

I forgot.

We didn't really close that up. I had him kind of going out on the sidewalk, and then we went on to something else, and he literally just tried to get the real answer just now.

By the way, it should be, in your defense, this is coming from the guy who all your facts lately are, from, Maple, who's nine.

Right, Maple, my 10-year-old daughter spends a lot of time on YouTube because it cuts down on my parenting obligations.

She... She...

When, you know, when you say to an actor, oh, break a leg, I've always thought it's you wish the person, and my apologies to people over here, you, um...

Don't... Too many faces going, no way. Here's...

They're all turning to each other,

going, is that... Here's the best part, and then he goes, and I said, well, Maple, where did she get that? He goes, YouTube. Like, it's like, oh, oh, from the news. I see.

Also...

That's where all the facts come from. Also, sand is called sand, because it's neither sea nor land. Right? Look, they're all looking at their neighbor.

I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Let's verify it. I think it's real.

But here's... The other thing that happened today that I've never done, a day of firsts, was we were walking. Jason wanted to walk maybe another extra 25, 30 miles,

Right.

And then he slapped me really hard. Fair enough. But I'd never... And I was like, ah, you guys go, this is too fucking complicated. Like, how do you undo the thing?

Yeah.

We took the bird from the Washington Monument to the Capitol, and then here...

Yeah, man.

Here to the arena or theater.

Oh, now I get Mardi Bird. You're always flipping the audience off, even in your character name.

We're sneaky smart on that show. What?

Can we speak to Mardi Bird?

Yeah.

Sure.

Wait, wait. Let me get...

It's like inside the actor's studio. Let me get my... Is Mardi Bird here?

Let me get...

Yeah. Don't you say that.

It looks a lot like my smiling face.

Oh, no.

We have covered this on the show. If anybody is north of 40 in this audience,

you...

Are you not surprised? I'm surprised. When I watch, you know, as you do, you watch playback of stuff when you're shooting something, and say, I know what I'm trying to do as an actor. I'm trying to have a certain... But this is so heavy now.

It's a long...

Yeah. Because in the morning, I try to keep my distance from you because I'm like, is he pissed at me? Yeah. You're just like, that's my good morning face. He's a little...

He's a little bit grumpy.

I am a little bit grumpy. I'm moody.

And then you get your coffee and then you're good.

I'm moody.

All right.

Oh, man. We've covered a lot.

We're not even supposed to be talking to you. We're supposed to be talking to ourselves, right?

I know. It's so crazy. It's a little nuts. It's a little surreal.

Did you just adjust the lace?

back then? Just a snap. The snap.

But the helmet, you slept and shaped it nicely.

Yeah, it keeps it. Well, it holds it. I'm not stupid, dude.

Look at these nice new clothes we're wearing. We don't wear this on the podcast. We look the same. We're in pajamas in the podcast. Yeah.

Shall we? Oh, you want to get going? I'm sorry. Do you have a heart out? What are you doing?

How was that check-in? Did you guys enjoy the check-in? Showing your vaccination? Did it take too long, right?

Where's my hat?

I know.

This is it. No, I thought I'd not wear one.

You usually wear them. That's a very valid question.

Thank you. You know why? Because otherwise, I look like a pedophile. If I...

Can I watch your kids?

You know.

So, I just try to... It just takes too long. You all need a sitter? It takes too long to do something, so I got a lot of product in it. That's why I wear a hat.

Did... Now, did Scotty... Did Scotty tell you not to wear a hat on the tour?

Yes, he did. He did, right? I knew it. Yeah. He's like, you're not going to go out there looking like an asshole, are you?

You thought taking off the hat would do it?

Right. All right. Right.

This is... This is your guest, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. So...

Drink up.

Oh, yeah.

legitimately don't know who it is, so we...

We never do.

We never do, but we've carried this on.

Actually, the exception is Kamala Harris and Stacey Abrams we all knew about, because there was a lot of, you know, apparatus to organize that.

Yeah, yeah.

But other than that, I think we've always not known.

Not known. And that is totally legit.

But this took some doing because this person is backstage and they had to be in a certain area backstage.

They had to be brought here from out of town and they had to... So it was a big deal to keep it from these guys, and we... And some other people on the tour know who it is, so we keep on having to say the special guest.

Now, do you have questions on you? Do you have your intro memorized?

I... I don't have my intro memorized. My intro's kind of... I'm kind of winging it.

You can keep them out. I've got my cards. You can keep them out. By the way, sorry,

I don't think you understand the concept of winging it. You can't look at fucking notes. Those are my questions.

Those are my questions, not my intro.

Okay.

Here's something. I've never admitted this to you, because you do... You do your little intro sometimes, which are obviously written right before. Yeah. Right before.

How about you?

No, I spend time on mine. Here's an admission.

I've never written one. That's clear. You never what? That's clear. You never what?

Really? No. Why?

Because we're gonna get to them.

Did you write one for this person?

I did not. No, this person doesn't need an intro.

Oh.

Oh, really?

This person, legitimately, is someone who has worn many, many hats.

Oh.

This person has been... This person was a cop.

A cop?

America's mayor?

This person was a cop. Is that who's coming out?

I would like that interview. Wouldn't that be...

That would be fun.

Turn up the heat in here a little bit.

Get some sweat going.

Great.

We got our first cut. We got our first thing. we have to cut.

Why is that bad?

That'd be a good interview.

Do you...

So this person was a cop. This person has been a cop. This person has been a race car driver. This person... I'm telling you, this person wore a lot of different hats.

Mr. Will Ferrell! What? Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh!

That's a Vax card.

It's a Vax card.

That's smart. You did it.

I knew you were on the fence,

but you did it. That's smart.

I'm so mad at you.

Okay. I asked you,

is there a dress code? You said...

You said...

It's formal. Tuxedos and cool sunglasses. I do. You specifically said...

That was when it was gonna be in Toronto.

And I swear, I don't see anyone in a tuxedo.

Wait, Will, did you fly in today?

I flew in yesterday.

You did.

This is so nice of you. I know.

I mean, truly.

I'm happy to do it. You guys didn't have to pay me the fee that you're paying me. They don't know.

Is that the same outfit you wore on the plane?

Okay, you guys flew me first class accommodations. I was not allowed to bring a change of clothes, so that was the stipulation.

We don't need it.

But yeah, remember when people used to dress up on a flight? Yeah. My dad tells me, no one does it anymore. I'm trying to bring it back.

My mom was a stewardess or a flight attendant for Pan Am. Their outfits were incredible back in the day, right? With the bowler hats, right? Is that what it's called? Yeah.

Yeah. And to be fair, just to catch that mistake you made,

Why is that a bad term?

What I was gonna say was, in your defense at the time, she referred to herself as a stewardess.

Yeah. Well, that's what it was called back in the day.

But you used to call her a waitress.

She used to call her a waitress.

But why did they switch it?

Guys, it's a long tour.

I know.

It's gonna be a long tour. Let's not get too real tonight. And you're wearing Pan Am colors.

The Pan Am classic.

Yeah.

Blue and white and a little bit of teal, right? Wasn't there teal?

And a splash of gold.

A splash of gold.

Right for the wings.

Did you have the travel, the shoulder bag?

The Pan Am shoulder bag? Oh, sure, I did. I had all the swag. And, you know, we used to be able to ride with Mom for free if there's empty seats.

Right.

And then I would help out, Mom, serving dinners to people. No, you didn't. I was like six years old. No, you didn't. On my life, yeah.

Boy, your parents had you working.

even on vacation.

This is on an active flight. This is on an active flight.

I flew all around the world for free.

You were thrilled to do it.

Thrilled to do it. Now, we had to be in suit and tie, including my sister. No. But you had to be in, you had to be dressed up and you couldn't, you couldn't check a bag because we never knew if we could get on the plane or not, because you could only get on the plane if there's empty seats. So you had to carry on bags.

Okay.

We're going to double back.

to the Pan Am story because he's got something he really wants to say.

No, he really did the audience a favor. Stop.

Stop saying pun unintended.

That's a good note.

Because I love puns. Yeah. And whenever I use it, I mean it.

Because otherwise, you just wouldn't say it. Why?

You're not going to do it if you don't intend to make a pun.

It's like saying, hey, murder unintended after murdering somebody. Right.

I'm just...

He's trying to wiggle in a promotion for Murderville coming on Netflix.

No.

They applaud it pretty quick. They're aware of it.

They haven't seen it yet. They haven't seen it yet.

It's very good.

That's kind of you to say. I mean, keep talking about it.

Really commit... I really want to commit this year to referring to all money slash cash as cheese or cheddar.

Do you... So,

I'd like... Yes, I'd like to... Can I have a couple of those in blue cheese? Sure.

At the ATM, you can request.

Or, like you call your account and you're like, how much... Did I need that? How much blue cheese? How much blue cheese we got?

Because I got a big spread. Yeah.

I'd love for you to say... Your agent calls and says, well, we've got an offer, and your only thing is how much cheddar are they offering?

Right.

Next person that says to me, age before beauty, I'm going to knock out.

Okay.

Say 2022 in the house as much as possible.

Sure. Well, that one makes a lot of sense. That's a good one. Yeah.

Do you guys not look at him and just fall in love? I could swear, I could just stare at it, the funniest man in the world.

Absolutely.

Please, no.

Drink 50, at least 50 liters of water a day.

50 liters.

That seems like a lot.

Do something special for a random stranger every day.

That's nice.

That's nice. You got your pick.

Buy their coffee for them, you know, help someone cross the street, and then ask a stranger to do something special for me.

Let's do it. Just pick one.

This comes back to get in the face of flight attendants, because I have rights too.

That, I think, has a head full of steam already.

Just follow that trend.

Yeah, I got it.

Never buy a pack of cigarettes again. There's plenty of half-smoked butts out there, with at least two or three drags left on them, so you just gotta, you gotta look on the ground. Don't shake your head at me.

Wait, that might go double for cups of coffee.

Right.

I got a lot, by the way. I'm glad this list is so long. Well, you don't follow through on all of it.

If this list is like, even five more minutes long... It would have been nice.

if you started with buckle up.

Tell my wife I love her at least once a month.

That's good.

Good for you.

Can you forward these to me? I will.

Really try to stop breeding exotic big cats.

Really try.

Mostly.

All the cheddar.

in Bitcoin. Do not look back.

And we will be right back.

Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels.

She was a romance mystery writer.

who happens to be.

married to a chef.

But this story didn't end with a happily ever after.

When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say call 911..

As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised.

The first person they look at would be the spouse.

We understand that's usually

the way they do it.

But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels? There are murders.

in all of the books.

that she was playing them out in real life? Follow Happily Never After Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily, Never After Dan and Nancy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.

It's all a light-hearted nightmare. on our podcast, Morbid. We're your hosts. I'm Alena Urquhart. And I'm Ash Kelly.

lied.

like a liar. Like a liar. And if you're a weirdo like us and love to cozy up to a creepy tale of the paranormal, or you love to hop in the Wayback Machine and dissect the details of some of history's most notorious crimes, you should tune in to our podcast, Morbid. Follow Morbid on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to episodes early and ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Hey, it's Guy Raz here, the host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you a front row seat to how some of the biggest products were built and the innovators, entrepreneurs, and idealists behind them. Every week, I speak to someone new. Stories like Justin Wolverton's, a lawyer who just wanted a healthy alternative to ice cream, so he created Halo Top in his Cuisinart. Or Todd Graves, who grew his fried chicken restaurant, Raising Canes, into one of the most successful fast food chains in the U.S. All of these great conversations can help you learn how to think big, take risks, and navigate crises in life, and work from people who've done all of that and more.

And now, back to the show.

Avoid slipping into vocal fry. so much. Right.

Yeah. You guys know what that is?

I just found out what that was about six months ago. You know, when you talk...

Talk like this. Talk like that.

It's like Valley Girl speak, right? That's going back a bit.

Where every sentence ends in a question mark.

That's talking like, you know, like that's... Isn't that vocal fry? Oh, my God.

Wait, give us one more example, because I didn't quite get it. I don't want to do it again.

It is. All I see are two cameras over there and I don't... I can't do it again.

Thank God for the Internet, huh? Because that will haunt you for so long. By the way, Willie, again, this is starting to read like a manifesto, but go ahead. Chicago...

Chicago PD, Chicago Fire, Chicago Med.

These are the three shows you're promising to watch this year?

No, I'm just... I just love... I just love them.

You love them. Okay.

It's actually an ad.

It's actually an advertisement.

That's a paid ad?

It's a paid ad that I snuck on the smart list. What the... So... What the fuck? Thank you, guys.

Speaking of Chicago, you look dangerously close to Harry Carey right now. Oh, did I?

Yeah.

I'm trying to egg him on just a little.

Chicago, PD.

What I love is it has all the thrill and excitement of the inner workings of a police department.

Wait, you know, I'm from Chicago, and it sounds exactly like you.

Yeah.

What's more exciting than solving a homicide at Wrigley Field?

No, listen. I mean...

Our guests don't show up prepared.

Okay.

You know, this is...

Okay, I'm gonna speed...

I'll speed through. Okay.

I don't really have questions. No one has questions. Wait.

Try to work on my intense hatred of manatees. Uh... Okay. Yellow Jackets streaming now on Showtime. Oh, Jesus, man.

Second half.

Second half.

Okay.

Hollywood has got you. You don't know how much blue cheese. I just landed right there.

Well, not yet.

Not yet, but when this airs.

Okay.

All right.

Finally. Finally changed my name to DaBaby, unless it's already taken.

Oh, no. It's... They're both taken? Well, how do you spell it?

Y-A-E.

No, that's taken.

Is it yay or yee?

Well, I thought, like, Y-A-Y isn't taken, if you want that.

I just want Y... I just want Y-E.

You can't have it.

Taken?

Taken.

I don't know. I mean, if you're pronouncing it like the way you're doing it, I think that you're good. I mean, I should preface it by saying I'm not a lawyer.

Wait. Does Kanye want it? pronounced yay or yee?

Yee?

See, you're hearing both. Yay. I just...

I just thought of a fourth one. Chicago Law.

Oh, Chicago Law.

You could play a lawyer.

Shit. By the way, now this is, like, a trademark thing.

Attorney Mike Davis.

Sounds like Terry Seattle.

It does sound like Terry Seattle. Terry Seattle.

Remember to talk louder on my cell phone when I'm in public, especially on an airplane.

You almost couldn't get that one out. You liked that one.

Land voiceover contract for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. What the fuck?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

And don't be sorry about it.

Don't be sorry. Yes. Don't be sorry about it.

Good luck.

Will, can you roll down your sock a little bit more?

Sorry.

Just get it all the way down. Yeah, I'm fine.

Jason and I got in an argument for real just before the show because I did have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, also a paid ad, and Jason said, in that way, he goes,

oh, that's so funny.

I said, how long you do it? Thank you, Will.

They're really funny, Thank you, man. I actually stop and watch them every time I see them.

Thank you. It's so nice to get a compliment from a friend.

the last great commercial I saw was the Dodge thing that you did way back when. Remember that? It was for Dodge, wasn't it? Right, yeah. Have you done a commercial since then?

I did one for GM. Oh.

GMC. Not GMC.

Not GMC Trucks.

Not GM.

So you did GM. He does GM Cars. That's the C part, right?

GMC is a truck. It's a division of GM.

What's GM?

That's the big overall company. Yeah.

General Merchandise.

Don't make me make...

I thought it was like... Do you talk about light trucks? No, we talk... I mean, we're talking about professional grade vehicles.

I don't know.

And we've only been doing it for 23 years. Look, here's the point. Whoa. And we're not...

Is that like a world record in voiceovers?

I don't know. It might be, but I try not to...

Someone Google it.

I try not to talk about it in front of people.

In front of a theater, a pack theater of people?

No. Because it's gross. But... But you love it. I love it.

But you're a good match for it, because you are kind of a professional grade kind of guy, right? Oh, thanks, man. It fits him.

Thank you. Well, the voice alone is like a truck.

It sounds like a truck. Solid. It's burned out.

Who sings that song, Believer?

Don't Stop Believin'? No.

Believer. Imagine dragging these nuts across your face.

Is that on the list? That's on my list.

The last one is,

whatever... Imagine dragging your nuts.

Uh-huh.

Which is not really a resolution. It's just a reminder to take chances. Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah.

Even though it's on my list.

Well, it makes me think...

This is my last one. Okay, your last one.

He's not done. Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know.

Remove all and repeat all of my music from Spotify. All my albums.

There we go.

All my albums.

All of them. All of them. Cupcake Party. All the way back.

Revolution Yesterday.

Not on there.

Grandma's Unicorn. Jesus Clown.

That's a B-side. Even the B-side.

Get it all.

And, Will, why?