Bike Pervert

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit team.co.co.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.

Renee, welcome to Conan, O'Brien needs a fan.

How are you, Renee? Hello?

Hi, I'm good, good to meet you, Conan.

I love the way you say my name. Can I hear it one more time?

Conan.

I love it.

I could say Coonan.

Whatever you want, I think he put an umlaut on my name, two little dots. I love that, Conan.

Conan.

You can't.

And I should not forget Sona and Matt, of course. Hi guys, hi, good to meet you.

You're welcome to forget them if you wish. Renee, first of all, tell us where you are right now in the world.

I'm in the Netherlands, in a place called Breda, which is in the south, close to Belgium. Oh, you're close to Belgium. I'm a little bit lost with the Netherlands, but....

Oh, okay, thanks a lot. You show a lot of faith. No, I'm very aware. I think the Netherlands is one of my favorite islands, just southwest of Spain, just floating off the coast.

Yeah, but I think I flatter myself. You're a very good-looking guy.

Well, so are you, Matt? But no, doesn't he look? I think if something, God forbid, something were to happen to Matt very soon, what do you mean? Wait a minute.

I love Star Wars and Indiana Jones, see.

He knows all about you.

That's it, that's all you need to do.

Yeah, yeah, oh, he doesn't really know.

Sorry, I used to like it, but yeah.

Don't you get Star Wars and Star Trek confused? Doesn't that happen to you all the time?

No, we're not all like you. CONAN No, it's simple.

Okay, nice.

I like this.

Sorry.

I like this one.

I approve him as my replacement. I like the movie where Spock and Yoda finally make up in Men Fences. Renee, am I saying your name correctly, Renee?

Renee.

Yeah, exactly, some people prefer Renee, Renee. I see it looks like a bicycle crashed in the background behind you.

I am, yeah, I cycle quite a lot, and I'm also a bicycle designer, so it sort of fits.

That's cool, so wait, so you design bicycles? I have to admit I don't have a lot of hobbies, but I love bicycles, I really do.

Okay.

And I love to ride a bicycle and I also just love looking at them. I think they're beautiful examples of engineering and sculpture. I really like them.

You just look at them like you stand in your garage and just stare at your bike. That's what we do, Sona.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not kidding.

There are times when I've been riding my bike. I have this all-steel bike that I had made by this gentleman in Portland who's quite good at it. And I will ride my bike. And then I'll chain it up outside a coffee shop down in Santa Monica, and I'll be sipping coffee and looking out the window, staring at my bike like a creep.

You're the real deal. This is all the worse because you recently revealed that you shaved your chest for biking, too. And to think of you there, just all smooth-chested.

It wasn't just for biking, there was another reason, too. And I don't want to get into it. Let's just say it's for a movie role in a movie that I'm not allowed to publicize.

Bike Pervert.

It has nothing to do with biking, okay?

Are you shaved, Rene?

Sorry, my legs are, yeah, really, there you go.

There you go.

And I got to admit it's really aesthetics.

Oh, by the way, Rene, don't be put off. That's Sona's question for everyone on the podcast, Are you shaved?

As long as we don't get any further than the legs, I'm fine with that question.

Every time I'm in a restaurant with Sona, that's the first thing she asks the waiter or waitress, Are you shaved?

How do you like your parmesan shaved?

Oh god.

So you design bikes? I'm going to tell you something, Rene, and I don't know if you are aware of my physical attributes, but or deformities, however you want to call it.

I have extremely no buts.

Okay, take it easy. No, not just no, but Rene, take it easy, wow.

It's like some circus bike that a grizzly bear would ride, it's a circus.

Can you imagine, Rene, what my bike would look like?

Yeah, you got a long head tube and you sit quite upright on your bike, probably.

Yeah, and people see me for miles around and circus music plays, and it's a lot of fun, yeah.

I know it looks weird, but it's healthy. You're six foot four.

Yeah.

Something like that, yeah, you need a custom bike, otherwise you just hurt yourself. No, it's true.

So what kind of bike would you design for me? Let's say that you got the proportions correct. What about styling? If you were to make me a bike, would you do any kind of special styling for me? Tassels.

Skull, tassels and fringe.

Tassels and a big banana seat.

Yeah, with a horn, that doesn't work.

If we go full custom, we can make a nice carbon bike for you. Just a one-off, I mean, you probably got the money for it.

No, I don't, actually, I invested very badly.

The steel bike is nice, but it's like the 70s calling their bikes back.

Oh, snap, wow.

Bird.

Bike Bird It's a bike rash now. Wait a minute. Some people, I don't want to talk about a very specific fight. Some people think that the steel bike has its advantages over the carbon bike.

What are those advantages?

Well, carbon bike, you get one little nick on the carbon, the whole thing can explode.

What?

And it's happened every day. I ride down the road and I see bikes exploding to the left and the right of me. Because the carbon can't handle it. True or not true, René?

Oh, absolutely true. not.

Well, I only go to Tucker for bike advice and he's always spot on, Okay, so you design bikes, what else do you do? is that your profession?

That's my main profession for the last 20 years or so. And it's not just the frames or the bikes, I also do graphics or smaller parts like wheels or handlebars.

Wheels are not a smaller part. René Oh, and those little fringe parts like wheels, some people get crazy and want wheels.

Yeah, but when I get an assignment, it's either the frame that I have to design, or the graphics, or the wheels, or the handlebars. It's all just a matter of putting all those components together. The client is usually somebody who makes either the frame or the handlebar or the wheels.

Do you have another profession as well, or is it exclusively bikes?

Well, on the side. I also have a small company that designs horse-riding underwear, which is quite straight from cycling.

That was going to be my guess. My guess was going to be either you sell heroin or you make horse-riding underwear. Wait a minute. Is there special underwear for people that ride horses?

Yeah, well, there is now. There wasn't until I started. You can imagine there's quite a lot of vibration in the saddle when they're moving around in certain riding styles.

Hey, could you keep rocking up and down like that? René? René, just do that again, let's play a little music.

You two are on completely different pages.

You're riding a horse and I'm in late 70s. Full-on sex.

I've got to say, I don't ride a horse, so excuse me for not portraying it correctly.

Did you make these so that you could also use them for the bicycle? is that part of it, or did I just give you a brilliant idea?

Well, if you sit more upright, then our padding would be correct, then it would be very nice. But the position of the body is different for horse riding and for cycling, so the cycling wear would not be suitable for horse riding, which is why I came up with specifically for the horse riding.

REné Let's get into specifics here. You're riding a horse and you talk about abrasion. Are we protecting? Let me just be very clear and clinical, the genitalia or the ass region, or the area in between, which I think science calls the taint, what are we protecting?

We're protecting everything, so it's sort of like a diamond shape.

Yeah, I would imagine that.

It's the perineum, you've got, the pubic arches where you're sitting on.

Oh yeah, over five billion served. You've got the frontal pubic area.

By the way, my pubic arch collapsed a while ago and now I'm wearing pubic orthotics.

Oh god.

He has a pubic gulch.

Oh, no, so René....

You know, you need to apologize to everybody in this room.

I just rolled up a piece of paper and fired it at you with my fingers. René. If you don't mind me really, because I'm interested in designing my own binding netherware. This equestrian gear, why did you get into what made you think of getting into designing underwear for horse riders?

Well, at the time, my girlfriend was a horse rider and I was designing cycling wear for my clients. And she saw me working with this foam, this pad that you wear in the cycling shorts. And she said, Oh my God, I want this for horse riding, some kind of padding, some kind of comfort. And I asked, why don't you have this kind of stuff here in the equestrian world? So I dug into that whole market and there was barely anything.

Wow, so you created this company with your girlfriend?

Yeah, which is now actually my ex-girlfriend. But the company still exists to make things a little bit less complicated.

Okay, I don't want this to be awkward. But the business survived the breakup of the relationship.

Exactly.

Oh, okay, that's very nice.

Do you still work together?

Yeah, yeah.

So it sounds like you invented underwear.

We don't have an office where we meet each other every day, but yeah, we see each other.

It's ironic that you designed a garment that could cut down on friction, but not the friction in your relationship. Wow, what do you think of that?

That's profound.

Deep.

Yeah, hey Renee.

Let me think about this.

I've got a question, why not cut out the middleman? And isn't it time to reinvent the saddle? It's just an old leather thing. what if you put the foam on the saddle?

You know what, I like, the way you're thinking, and I want a piece of this business.

No.

Yeah.

I just thought of it.

I know, and I'm here to say me too good idea. There was a guy next to Edison who said, And he got 50 of the light bulb. Renee, what do you think about what Matt just said that you're, you know?

Let's fix the saddle well, there are foam pads that you can lay over the saddle.

I don't want something extra.

But a lot of the riding that needs to have more contact with the leather saddle. There's a reason why it's so hard, because you need to be able to steer the horse with very subtle movements with the legs. I didn't know that, but my ex-girlfriend told me about it.

I think there's a better way to. I would like to suggest a better way to steer the horse. Because traditionally, I think people use their legs and they use the reins. But I think this is something that could be done with one of those Wii controllers, there's a way to do this, whoa.

What about just a steering wheel and plant it into the horse?

I tried that once, okay, yeah, and it didn't go well.

It's great listening to the two of you talk about horse riding.

Well, yeah, I bet it is.

I feel like I've never ridden a horse.

We're making vast improvements already between the two of us. We've reinvented the saddle, which will now be made of a very different material, probably some sort of soft meat.

Do we need the horse? Let me ask that if we were just to get a motorcycle, or yes.

What about four wheels?

Okay.

And then you have a really nice seat.

And.

Yeah, and you call it, whatever.

A Mustang.

A Mustang, there you go. I think we've now transformed your business radically. You need to move to Detroit and start making these on an assembly line.

I agree with this reasoning. I'm not a big horse fan either, so I prefer four wheels or two wheels.

Do you think the fact that you don't like horses and in fact just admitted to hating them led to the break up of your relationship? Yeah.

No, it wasn't that.

Oh, okay.

But maybe a small part, all right?

Okay, all right. well, I'm going to tell you something, René, I'm going to tell you something. I like to ride a bike, but I made a decision a number of years ago.

For some things, yeah, I adjust my style according to the riding I do.

Let me ask you another question. And this fascinates me. Some countries, and I'm hoping that this is true of the Netherlands. But my dream would be to ride my bike to work. I live quite far from here.

Correct? I mean, we're very used to having bikers on the road, so the car drivers are, I mean, they're not very scared of having cyclists on the road as well. They've got separate lanes as well.

And this is the other thing I want.

It's getting a little less safe, but.

Rene, I've just given you.

If you post it, if you post my design, I will design a bike for you.

Of course, I'll post your design.

And I got a factory that makes the bike for you.

But you need to.

You mean email?

Oh, okay.

You want a bespoke bike?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm doing podcasting, that's how you podcast, that's how it's done.

Rene, it's been very nice talking to you. You seem like a gentleman and a scholar. Do you have a question for me? Maybe something you've always wanted to ask me since you've been a fan, even as a little boy? These are assumptions I'm making, but I think they're safe to make.

I don't have a question, which was with me all the time. But since I know now that you're a rider, where would you take me? Riding around your location? What is the nicest route around L.A. for a cyclist? I'll tell you exactly to go for a ride together.

Are we talking mountain bike or are we talking road bike?

Whatever your pick is, I can do both.

Mountain biking here is fantastic because the mountains here are incredible, you can ride up, you can actually see some wildlife. Every now and then, if you're lucky, you'll encounter a bobcat you get off your bike.

Okay, I'll give you a call when I'm in L.A.

No, seriously do that. They all have my number, I'll take you on a ride.

They all have my number.

Yeah, what does that mean?

All those espresso bars.

Trust me.

Where you drink your coffee.

This works. When I'm out in public, people say, I'll give you a call and I go, Yep, they all have my number. So Sona shut the fuck up anyway.

The real Incognito? Yeah, sure, yeah, okay.

Rene, you seem like a good man, yeah, and we wish you the best of luck in your endeavors. And I bet you make an amazing bike and maybe maybe I'll contact you.

Cool.

All right, peace out, Tupac.

That's all guys, bye, Rene.

Thanks, Rene.

Bye, Rene.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.