I’ve Needled Many A Perineum
2023-10-12 00:24:40
After 25 years at the Late Night desk, Conan realized that the only people at his holiday party are the men and women who work for him. Over the years and despite thousands of interviews, Conan has never made a real and lasting friendship with any of his celebrity guests. So, he started a podcast to do just that. Deeper, unboundedly playful, and free from FCC regulations, Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend is a weekly opportunity for Conan to hang out with the people he enjoys most and perhaps find some real friendship along the way.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcocoa.com. slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started.
Hi Sarah, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a fan.
Hi, thanks for having me glad to be here.
Hello there, Sarah, and tell us, where are you coming to us? from? Where are you right now?
Right now I'm in Portland, Oregon, and it's sunny here today, it's normally raining.
Okay, I'm looking at behind you and it looks like either that's a decoration or vines have invaded inside the house and taken over. It looks very cool, though.
Dude, it's my. They're real. I've never been able to keep a plant alive ever in my entire life, so these definitely are real and it's my office. I couldn't do this at my house because I have a two and a five-year-old and it's really loud, so I'm at work.
Right, and who's looking after the children right now?
Oh, my husband, my husband will.
He's my mom and dad. Why did you say, aww?
Oh, because I'm just so happy that he gets to stay home, like that's the cool part is that he gets to stay home with them. So yeah.
That's nice.
Hanging out with them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, where are you? My wife asked me if I would stay home with the kids and I said, Fuck no. Oh, I think that was probably the wrong response, but I did.
I said, Fuck no.
What did your kids say?
Wah wah. They were really young. Oh okay, but I was like, What do they do for me? I've got a career, you know, and I took off.
I haven't seen them since. Oh no, I'm told they're well, I'm told there are two of them, one's a boy, one's a girl.
Let's get back to you, Sarah, Okay?
You tell us what you do.
Oh, I am an acupuncturist. Have any of you guys had acupuncture before?
I have one time.
Okay, I have a story for you. Sarah, which is, my wife was telling me you should try acupuncture, you should try acupuncture. So she got me a name. I went in. This woman did acupuncture and we were done.
And I said, You know, that was really interesting. I think that was beneficial. I'd like to do this again. And the woman said, Well, you are my last client of all time, I'm not kidding.
This really happened and I said, Wait what? And she said, You're my last client today, and today is my last day as an acupuncturist. And I'm not doing it anymore and I'm leaving the state. And it wasn't anything I did, are you sure?
Pretty sure she was crying. No, she said. Yeah, you just happen to be the last person I'm gonna do this with. And so I think that was about seven years ago and it so put me off. That I think on some level, because I think on some level, I thought I finally, I tried this.
It seemed to be working, and the person literally started taking photographs off the wall of the office as I was putting my shirt back on. And so I just, I don't know, I felt this kind of rejection. Does that make sense to you, Sarah?
Maybe it was a good thing. Where she's like, I'm gonna end on Conan O'Brien, I'm gonna end on a high, you know?
That's a really sweet way to look at it. No, but I don't think so. Yeah, I don't think so, I don't think so.
Okay.
Well, thanks for sharing that. That's the first time I've ever heard that story. Yeah, weird stories, but that's the best.
But were you to do acupuncture on me, how would you approach me as a subject? would I? how? what would you do? would you approach me in a separate way? Or does everyone get the same treatment?
Well, everyone gets the same treatment. I mean, so what I would do is I would say, Hey, what's up? Do you have to use the bathroom? because I ask all my patients to go to the bathroom first?
And then, and I'd say, You bet I do I have to urinate for 40 minutes?
Yeah, man, yeah.
I'm a big time urinator, one of the best.
Big time urinator.
You don't hear that much these days anymore. What a flex that is. Oh, that's such a flex. So anyway, I'm in there, I'm urinating for 40 minutes, I come out and I'm ready to go.
What happens?
Oh my gosh, I'm going to ask you how your day was and how, whether or not. Well, like, what's wrong with you and I, even if you don't tell me?
SARAH A lot of people come up to me and say, What is wrong with you? I get that all the time.
I love my job because that's all I do is talk about people's problems, about them. So I get to talk about them while they're in the room and all about how many things are wrong with them. So, yeah, I would ask you what's wrong? We would talk about your stress levels, I'd put you on the table and then I'd start sticking needles all over.
Okay, let me ask you a quick question, Sarah, are you familiar with the podcast? If you listened to it before? are you familiar with me as a personality?
I am familiar with you as a personality, for sure, and that is why I wanted to talk to you.
Because?
I have not listened to the podcast as much as I probably should have, but I've heard you on other podcasts and I've become incredibly excited about.
Wait a minute.
About Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you really enjoy me when I'm on other podcasts.
Dude, can I tell you why? Sure, I have been like a huge Conan pan just over the last three months, three months.
I know, I know, I know. I have, like, a 30 plus year career. Sarah three months. Okay, hold on, let her talk.
I'm sure this is gonna be worthwhile.
Dude, you're gonna love this.
Okay, dude.
So I've been hearing, so I just like, I honestly just discovered podcasts in general, really. So I was listening to you on other podcasts. And we've met before at like, a meet and greet, so I know who you are.
Wait a minute, you and I met. When did we meet? Oh yeah, man.
Well, I think back in 2009, I sent the picture, I don't look like that anymore. You definitely do, you look the same.
Wait, where did we meet? You? Came and saw a show or something, a live show.
Well, no, I didn't. We met, it was you were doing like, a-.
Were you and I married briefly?
We were married briefly.
I remember I married an acupuncturist in 2009, but it was a short lived thing. It was up in Portland, I don't remember much.
Yes, well, I have a Christmas card to prove it because we met at an NBC affiliate meet and greet for the advertisers. I was in PR, I didn't want to go because I knew you were, but I was like, busy.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, Sarah. You knew that there was a chance to get a picture with Conan O'Brien and you weren't interested.
Well, I know this, I promise, this is going somewhere, but yes.
SARah Did someone force you to do this by chance? I know.
Are you being held hostage?
You're gonna get on the phone and talk to Conan O'Brien, or you're never seeing your cat again.
Oh my gosh, no.
Wait a minute, so I'm not taking this personally. I really. Oh, wait a minute, No, I am.
You should, I am this is crushing. Definitely should. So you knew you had seen my work and it, let's just say it didn't excite you, I wasn't your cup of tea.
I think that's fair to say, right, Sarah?
In so many words, yes, yes, yes.
Jesus Christ.
This is brutal. So then so I went and I met you and I got my picture taken.
Was I nice in the moment?
In the moment, yes, listen, listen, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I knew who you were and I, so when I first saw you in person, I was like, this. He is really tall, like you are extremely tall, and you can't really tell that, but you're tall.
And then I realized that, you know, I wasn't an acupuncturist at the time. But I realized I could get your vibe. And you were, like, very kind and nice. And I wasn't expecting that from like, quote, unquote, celebrity, celebrity celebrities are not my vibe, but I've met enough of them through the work I did before acupuncture, but you had a good vibe.
Oh, that's nice.
And I was young and single. So that picture that we took together, I sent as my Christmas card and my, I promise this is gonna show. I'm gonna tell you how great you are in a minute, but we got this Christmas card and-.
So you sent me out with you, sent the picture of the two of us together out as a Christmas card. And how did that go over with people?
Oh my gosh, my aunt and my cousin, they opened. They told me this two separate locations, two separate times, not the same aunt and uncle, or not the same, two different families, and both of them said. We opened the card and we were so excited to see who it was. And cause you were with a man. And then we saw it was Conan O'Brien, so it was again. This is like they were, Ah.
They were what they were disappointed that it was me, they were disappointed that it was me.
They were disappointed it was you because I wasn't with, like, a real person.
Oh, okay, you weren't. Yes, they knew that I was not someone who was a potential husband material.
Oh, okay, oh, that's why.
It's not like they were anti-Conan.
Oh good, no, oh good, yeah.
Oh, that's where I was going. It's Sarah, not them. Sarah is, yeah.
No, they were disappointed that I didn't have a boyfriend at that time. Good, good, oh, this is it, and it was just Conan O'Brien.
Well, don't say just Conan O'Brien, it was-.
Okay, but listen, listen, listen. So I anyway learned about you, hearing you on different podcasts, and like, I'm very serious when I say this.
But not Conan.
And I don't know you at all, we met once, but you are a super cool dude.
Oh, that's nice.
And I mean, the way I can just tell you're really nice and you handle your staff really well, right? You're very kind to them. And I own my own business, the tiny little business I own as an acupuncturist. And you run things on a different level. But listening to how you have handled all sorts of situations. Because unfortunately, unlike my life, your life is all over the place.
But you seem just like such a cool, such a nice person. You love what you do, and that's why I love you. CONAN This is why I decided that now.
Thank you. I know it took me a long time, but I finally got to Sarah and she's, I think we're connecting, which leads me to my next question, Sarah, let's say I show up and I come see you. And I want treatment. What would you do specifically for me that might help me?
Knowing what you know about me and all that kind of stuff.
Knowing what I know about you, I would choose the point right between your eyes, and this is why.
You'd put a needle between my eyes.
Double tap to the head.
Dude right here, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the reason why is what it would do is it would kind of get you back into. Like yourself and stop worrying about everyone around you. And just like, realize that you are awesome.
That's.
Okay, I think you're onto something. I've actually paused. I paused for a second because I think a lot about how I'm. I had an improv teacher years and years and years ago, long before I was on TV. When I was doing really well in the class and just constantly getting a lot of laughs and everything. And then the teacher said, Could I have a second to talk to you? and I said, Sure. And I thought she was going to say, You're the fastest mind I've ever seen.
And she said, You're so fast and you're so clever. Stop thinking so much, just breathe when you're up there and stop leading with that. And I thought, Oh, that's fascinating. It was the best advice I ever heard. But I think you're onto something that, to quote the Ramones, I love to be sedated.
I'm happiest when, and I've talked about this a lot, but I'm happiest when it's like, it's a colonoscopy. We're going to put you under for a bit. Thank you, thank you. I don't love the camera up the ass, but I love someone shutting down this thing in my brain that's trying to think about all the possibilities.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
And when I'm doing this with patients, I often say, this is like your Gremlin killer, or the mute button to your gremlin. And your gremlin is always that voice in the back of your head that is going on and on. And telling you, for all of the reasons that you're doing, all the things you do are wrong. That's that mean voice, so this often mutes that, okay?
That's why I would do that on him.
How long would you leave the needle in? and can the needle permanently? Can it stay in forever? That's my question.
Can I just get a needle and do that now to him? Can I just-?
How deep does the needle go?
It depends on the part of the body, so this one would go probably just a millimeter, maybe. But I use a lot of three inch and five inch needles. When people are coming in with like back pain and glute pain and stuff, so they can get pretty long.
How many needles would you put into my body? Do you think?
Yours.
Yeah.
10 or 12?
We were told to ask you about one particular position of needle called the Do one. Would you explain what that is? And would you do that to Conan?
So do one. First, I'll tell you the anatomical location between the anus and the sexual organs, and otherwise known as the taint. So that is, yes, definitely an acupuncture point. Would I do it on Conan?
That's a question, what if there's already something there?
Oh, no.
No, what, let's just say a decorative ring. What a piercing.
A tattoo or something? And can I say one? No, I mean an actual brass.
A trailer hitch.
Ring well, it's actually handy for car keys.
You can get to the taint real fast when you need to grab something.
What does the acupuncture there do to a person?
Oh, good question. So in acupuncture school, we've all had it done to us. And, you know, believe it or not, in the Chinese medicine texts, it says that do one will calm the mind. And I was like, That's bullshit, no way.
It does, it kind of does what this point does up here, except it's in the taint. It's a really interesting experience.
I love that you whispered that into a microphone, except it's in the taint. I hope no one heard that.
Now, wait a minute, were you to? This is getting into a delicate area, of course, in many ways, but you know the way a masseuse is always careful to cover certain areas. There's no way that you can jam a needle into my taint and not see everything, isn't that right?
Well, this is a good point. But have you ever been waxed before?
Waxed No.
Well, I mean, like, when so?
I've never been, I have never been waxed.
Never, you've never been waxed.
No, I don't think that's something.
Are you surprised? I've never been either. I'm a little surprised.
I've been waxed, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You gotta just put it out there.
And then they just gotta do their thing.
I think she's saying that there is a way to cover it up. So it sounds like you went to some special place? Oh, no, I'm like.
Well, wait, let's let way out there. okay, let's we're gonna let me, let me, let me, let me try. And we have to be very careful here. And very specific. Sarah, Are you saying that there's a way to cover up so that the taint can be probed? But you don't see other things?
Is that right?
Oh yeah, man, on your side, you have the, you have the patiently on their side. Oh, lift up the butt cheek, just like a Brazilian wax.
Wait a minute, Sona, what you're saying that? are you sure you're going? First of all, where is this? is this at a warehouse? And are there's a lot of giggling?
No, she's, she's, I haven't, I haven't gotten in a long time.
Was this at Juggalo fest?
Say, So, what happened when you did go?
No, she's right. You do get on your side and you help the person.
That's not what you described.
Yeah, I said, you were flayed out on the table, but that's for part of it, but it's not all of it.
Yeah, that's for part, but not the taint part.
Not the taint part. No, no, that part you could be.
This is unbelievable, this is unbelievable.
You could lay on your side. I mean, I mean, I don't know. I don't have one friend who hasn't been waxed before. So this is, I think, only news to people who don't menstruate.
Can I just say something? Your male friends get waxed.
Oh, no, I don't have any male friends, I just have a husband, but all my friends are girls.
Yeah, I'm just saying, I think it's, I think it's a.
Well, guys get, guys get waxed.
I don't think they do. Down below, we're getting a thumbs down from every other guy here. All right, guys do not get waxed down there.
If anything, I have more hair put on.
Okay, all right.
He is a mercantile.
I thought some guys do.
I have needled a number of perenniums and.
Oh my god.
Men and women, and I've never seen.
I love any story that starts that way. I love, I think, thinking of an old sea, an old guy, been at sea. Tell us, old man, what I've needled many a perennium.
What?
Did you ever see any whales? No, never a whale. Did you ever go to sea? Not really. no, but I've needled many a perennium. I've used a whale bone needle on a perennium.
Oh, gather round ye mateys. So you've needled a perennium and it's no big deal.
No big deal, not at all. I wouldn't needle yours unless you needed it, so to answer your question, to bring it all back. No, I would not needle your.
But you did, you did, dudes. All of them had hair there, or there were some that were probably waxed, I'm guessing.
Well, that's what I was gonna say. I have not actually seen a waxed taint of a dude before. Okay, all right.
Well, then you haven't truly lived, have you?
No, not yet.
I mean, come on the elusive, waxed taint, that's gonna be the death side regret. At 99. You're up in Portland, that's the.
I never saw a waxed male taint.
I've seen a sasquatch and a yeti, but never, never once have I actually had a taint.
Okay, hang on, grandma, we're getting Barry in here.
She's gone, Sarah, that's incredible you, it works. Tell me, I mean, there are some people that might say, I don't think. I don't see how touching these different parts of the body with the needle could work, but how? But it does work, clearly, it works. This has been around for a thousand years.
And you know, there ain't no reason to say it hasn't. So my question? my question is, is it? How does it work?
Resist got it. I have an answer. This is my job and I love to talk about it. So think about your brain or think about your body, as if it's made up of a bunch of channels that run from head to toe. When there's pain, or when there's stress, or when there's something that's bothering you. In Chinese medicine, because we're all acupuncturists are all Chinese medicine doctors.
According to Chinese medicine theory, when there is pain blockage, something that you know is ailing you. It means that the river that goes from head to toe, that channel that runs through your body, is blocked. And it's my job to figure out why is it blocked. And so that's why I would ask you a lot of different questions, probably look at your tongue, take your pulse. And your river could be blocked because there's a dam there and river's not.
Water isn't flowing, we call it qi in Chinese medicine isn't flowing. The river could be blocked because there's a dam further up the channel, or the dam could be blocked. And there's no river. Or there's nothing in the river flowing down because there just isn't any water. Does that make sense?
Yeah, kind of, I think I have a dam, but it's hydroelectric. Oh, that's a problem, and it's generating, no, it's generating a ton of power. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, so I think that's, I think I do have a dam, but it's actually I'm profiting from it in some weird way.
Yes, absolutely 100 yeah.
SArah Do you have any question for me? is there anything I can do to help you before I fly to Portland? And you jam a needle into my tank?
Take a shower a, but then b. My question to you is, what is your self-care regimen? Like lots of people use acupuncture, what's yours?
To be honest, I think the best way I take care of myself is I do exercise a lot, I get my heart rate up a lot. So in that way, I think, and I have a lot of different things that I like to do, I like to move, I like to feel like I'm in pretty good shape.
So that's good. What I'm not great at is getting a massage or that kind of spa self-care. I'm just I'm not good at arranging it. I get self-conscious about it. I come from a family where people don't really do that.
So I think that I grew up probably biased against it and the times in my life when I have had, like, a really good massage. It's a religious experience and I'm a very pleasant person who's in touch with God afterwards. And I don't know why I don't do that more, but I don't, and so it's problematic.
And I should explore things like acupuncture and I should explore, why not? You know, I'm a curious person, there's a lot to find out, so I should explore that.
Yeah, give it a shot. You have to go more than once, it's cumulative, but it is definitely worth the time. I tell my patients all the time, I mean, the only thing that you have to invest in is the time. Getting to the appointment. And then all the other work is done in the room. And it's not me, it's just the needles and really your body.
You know me, what I'd wanna do is come get, have you do acupuncture on me, stand up, take a tall drink of water and then have water shoot out. Of all these tiny holes that I've spent a lot of time and money rigging just to get that one cheap laugh. That would be good, yeah, and that I would spend so much time working on that, and so much money that I would get no benefit from the acupuncture. And I'd be like, Hey, Sarah, Well, that was a great acupuncture session. Now, time for a nice drink of water.
And all the water would shoot out and you'd go, that's so lame. why did you do that? And you got water all over the place? And I'd say, pretty funny bit, eh? And you'd say, No, my relatives were right.
You are disappointed.
You know, in the movies, when it's bullet holes that do that, it just kind of drizzles out. But these would be tiny, little, tiny, just little laser streams of water.
Yeah, run right between my eyes. And, of course, one in another region. Sarah, very nice talking to you. I like you. I'm glad that it was slow to win you over, but we finally did. That's the important thing.
It's cumulative. Yeah, it is, it is cumulative. Thank you. Yeah. You need many more Conan treatments.
It's cumulative, so.
Well, thank you for being so great and you are my business mentor in my brain. So when I'm talking about what my choices are, I always kind of go by your. What I've decided is your dogma, so thank you very much.
Well, thank you very much. It's been cool talking to you and we'll see you on down the road. Bye bye Sarah.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
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