#603 - SHANE GILLIS
2023-04-03 01:54:35
A weekly podcast recorded live from Austin, Texas with your hosts Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban. For advertising opportunities please email [email protected] Privacy Policy: https://www.studio71.com/us/terms-and-conditions-use/#Privacy%20Policy
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad..tv. There you have video portions to all the shows, and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the weekly Secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to Shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merchandise and go to ryanjebelt.com.
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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.
Fucking son of a bitch who's ready for the best goddamn night of your lives tonight, huh?
Yippee, make some noise for Brian. Red Band Everybody, Hey everybody, it's him, it's really him. live in the flesh, it's me.
This is Kill Tony. Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service, Deep Eddie vodka and Screwball peanut butter whiskey. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody?
That's the great Paul Diemer on the horns, taking a phone call real quick. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great John Dees right here on the keys. Eli Menezes on the bass guitar, and that's the Golden Boy himself. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. We are going to have fun tonight, a very exciting show ahead of us before we start tonight's episode.
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Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a special treat. Last week we had three crazy ass guests all fucking talking over one another, we had the fucking band on the other side of the room. We're all fucking united together at once. We're all finally in full effect.
We've made the tweaks and now it's time to have one of our favorite guests in the history of the show. One of my favorite human beings to work with on all of planet Earth. Your guest tonight, Shane Gillis, Everybody, let's go.
Let's fucking go.
The Man, The Myth.
The Bull.
Shane Motherfucking Gillis. my dear dear brother. my big, beautiful brother. how are you, Shane?
I'm all right. Oh, thanks.
There's a bucket of bud lights.
Nice.
And like that, the party has begun.
Yeah.
Shane's been here all week, We've been fucking goofing around, doing shows, continuously, getting fucked up at night, We've been having fun.
It's been a good week, dude.
We're about to have a ton of fun. You've been on this show before, you know how it works. Yes, there are literally hundreds of people in the back alleyway of this venue right now.
Literally over 200 people all waiting. There's a person with a megaphone at the back door that hears me pull a name out. They go out the door and everybody cheers and that person starts running to the door. They come up a stairway and through this curtain and they get an uninterrupted 60 seconds of stand-up comedy. You know, their time is up.
When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them because it's loud and aggressive. And then I interview them afterwards, we find out more about them.
Our esteemed, of course hilarious guest Shane Gillis is joining in on the chaos tonight. It's always completely improvised, nothing is planned, everything is fucking random. Sometimes they're going to be nice.
Sometimes they're going to be mean, it's the flow of the show. You guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Well, instead of going to this bucket, we're going to make the peasants in the alley wait a little bit longer. Because we're going to get the show started with a regular. This guy, really, we've seen it all from him. He started off living in his van, no gigs, nothing but open mics out there, struggling. No one knew who he was. Now he sells out all around the world, anytime he wants.
He wears a Rolex, he has scooters, cars, vans, multiple apartments. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim.
Hey.
It's great to be here at the Comedy Mothership, the capital of stand-up comedy. Right here on 6th Street, where you can see homeless people playing music by scratching scabs on their face.
And child prostitutes are yelling the n-word at each other.
Feel sorry for those losers in L.A. and New York too busy being like, how will I know if I'm successful if the NBC peacock isn't molesting me?
Their holes are perfectly sized for corporate cock.
Yep, killing it here in Texas. I'm an Asian in Texas. I don't give a fuck about the LGBT. The only LGBT I care about is the Bluetooth on my LG TV.
I'm having sex with this woman who has an IUD and she stopped getting her period. Thank you.
It's amazing, it's like fucking a dude.
I don't even have to worry about the moon anymore. It's like, Oh, it's a wax and gibbous. I got three more days, all right, that's my time, thank you.
All right, Hans Kim, with a full minute of stand-up comedy, How do you feel, Hans?
I feel amazing. This is a two-a-week. This is kind of a lot for me, but you know, I'm happy to be here and not in the alley.
Right?
Of course, you're talking about the fact that we are doing a special taping here. There's another one tomorrow night. So you have to write two minutes this week. And we know that you have a new girlfriend who's been distracting you a lot from the actual art form of writing and performing. You are not used to having a white girl giving you pussy any time that you want.
She was in the Green Room this week and I don't like it.
She's pretty attractive and I don't like it.
I'm sorry, Shane.
I was mad when I saw it. He has a fucking rolex and a hot white girlfriend. I was here a month ago and it wasn't going this well. It's starting to fucking bother me.
It is true, Hans made his way into the green room one of these nights. I specifically remember because he was wearing a weird brown Indiana Jones cowboy hat. And I said, How do you look like both of the heroes from Indiana Jones at the same time? And he was moving around.
He didn't sit down and he kept taking his hands in and out of his pockets. And I said, Hans, what the fuck are you on? and you said,....
Two bumps of cocaine.
So let's talk about this.
Yeah, that did actually help. I liked you more. You wear that Rolex around town.
Yeah, ooh.
You're a target, bro.
How often are you doing little bumps of cocaine?
As often as my girlfriend makes me.
Oh, so, you're getting it from her?
Yeah, she's a bad influence.
Oh boy, now the plot thickens. This is interesting. I didn't know this about this girl. Has this been like this the whole time?
Yeah, she's really big into whippets.
Oh my god, wow, okay.
Sounds like a keeper.
How often is she doing these type of illicit drugs?
Every day.
Every day, she does cocaine every day.
She's on ketamine right now. Wow.
Is she the fucking wolf of Sixth Street? Come on, guys.
Yeah.
Let's go give us some examples of how her drug use has affected your life.
Have you ever ended up in a shady situation because of her? What's it been? A month or two you've been with her? yeah.
We just usually sit on her couch and she does whippets, and then she's like, Uh-huh.
I try to rub her feet or something.
Mostly, she's been really passing out a lot.
Yo.
How old is she?
She's legal.
Oh my God, what kind of answer is that, Hans? What does that mean? How old is she?
She's 24.
Oh, okay.
All right whippets, though. I mean, that's like a high school thing.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's.
Redman wants to know what you're doing with all the unused whipped cream part.
What a waste am I, right, just using all the gas and under the ass, you know what I'm saying, you cracker?
What?
Who said cracker?
You said that to me.
Yeah.
You're calling me a cracker.
Well, that's what you use to make whippets.
Oh, you know that shit? Yeah, I used to do it in high school. Whores. Okay, we got both of our jokes in.
That was great at the same time, it was like twice the power of both jokes. Okay, Hans, so let's talk about it. Are you happy in this relationship?
I'm very happy, she's a very happy girl. Sometimes I catch her singing that's just going on inside her head constantly.
Holy shit.
And why do you think she likes fucking you?
I got a good jawline.
I'm pretty skinny also, I'm fun to be around. Sometimes I try to make her be happy, you know, sometimes I'm sad, but sometimes I'm not.
So maybe she likes it when I'm not sad, I honestly don't know.
Yo, Is this actually how you talk?
Is this a character or is this for real?
Yeah, no, he's like this all the time.
Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm not.
Yeah.
Is this a drake song?
Is the IUD thing real?
Yeah, she doesn't get periods.
So how long has that been for?
The whole time she's known me.
Wow.
It's amazing.
Are you just dumping your fucking?
Loads and loads, wow.
Incredible.
Incredible, you never pull out at all.
I used to, but then I was like, why, right?
Now you like it.
Yeah, it feels better. It's like if your penis is just coming without anything touching it, it just like it hurts.
What?
You really are something else, Hans, you are a giant 11-year-old boy. It is incredible.
Are you concerned at all about her doing this much? Drugs, though, and whippets?
Have you talked to her about it at all?
No, I think she's doing a great job.
She's really having a lot of fun.
And that's what it's all about. What does she do for work?
She's in supply chain management.
Does she contribute to anything that you guys do? Does she ever pick up the tab or anything like that?
Yeah, she's independently wealthy.
Really.
Yeah.
Wait, she's supply chain.
Yeah.
Where does she work? Norfolk Southern.
Come on, guys.
Hans.
Kim remember that, remember what happened.
Hans, you got the show started again. Congratulations. you're the man. Thank you so much Hans Kim, everybody.
That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim, and now my hand goes into the bucket. The brand new process of a megaphone and a dirty alleyway in this a multi-multi-million dollar state-of-the-art facility.
200 plus people wait in the alley. Your first comedian out of the bucket? We're going to meet them all together goes by the name of Frank Ramos. Frank Ramos is going to be first.
How exciting could be somebody from the audience? How many of you signed up out there by round of applause? Only a few.
A few fearless souls out there. We are listening to the music from the inside of Hans girlfriend's head right now.
Frank Ramos thumbs up That means he's coming. It's a little bit of a hike. That was Hans Kim.
Can you imagine passing out from a whippet and then waking up and Hans Kim is?
Mounting you or licking your feet?
Here he is, everybody.
Frank Ramos.
So I just moved to Austin about like two years ago, where there's this pandemic that happened, and I'm trying to figure out how to do dating here in Austin. The only problem is I tried Tinder and I was like, I think this fucking shit's broken. I keep swiping, swiping, nothing happens.
So I tried this other dating app and I was like, I put my profile in, I put where I work. All this fucking awesome shit. And then I was like, Hey, Frank, how's it going? I have an opportunity for you. My name is Stacy and I'm a recruiter.
I was like, Oh my god, this is fucking amazing. So that's actually how I'm doing dating now. I'm going on coffee dates with recruiters, only way I get laid here, that's all I have.
That's it, huh?
42 seconds of thunder and lightning from Frank Ramos.
Wow.
Just coming up talking about your dating life. Incredible. Have you tried Grindr yet?
That might work, huh? That might work, I don't know.
Well, what are you into? What kind of girl are you looking for? FRANK RAMOS You have a little bit of a twang to you, Shane, What do you? What do you think about this guy?
What kind of, uh?
Don't make me be, don't give me an alley-oop. I don't think you're gay unless you want to be. I'm not gay unless you want to be. Which?
No, it's fine, I'm only white presenting, I'm not actually.
You're only what?
White presenting.
White presenting No, I said, Gay, oh.
Oh my goodness, what a specimen you are, Frank. How long you been doing stand-up comedy?
About a minute and 42 seconds.
That, that that makes sense, okay?
There you go, very good. That's an old reference to an old thing that we don't really do anymore anyway. FRANK RAMOS So you, this is your first time doing stand-up?
Yes, explain to us what made you want to do this? How old are you?
I am 41.
41.
Yes, and you're starting today because.
I've been watching Joe and you guys for a really long time and I was like, why not throw my hat in the ring?
Yeah, really long time. Why not me?
Yeah.
You want to, you want to know why.
Ah.
What do you do for work? Frank Ramos?
Software engineer.
Software engineer Absolutely. And how long have you lived in Austin?
Two years.
Okay, where were you before that?
Los Angeles.
LOS ANGELES, California Why'd you leave Los Angeles during the pandemic?
Way too expensive, yeah.
Oh, okay.
So so I made it more expensive here, I just switched everything over.
Okay, what do you like to do for fun? what are some hobbies? what do you have on your dating profile?
Drone I like drone racing, actually, it's really fun.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah.
How about that, babes?
I'm an FAA certified like pilot.
Oh, fuck yeah.
Yeah, actually, I did some films.
Fuck me, right.
Yeah.
In that case, so you did the small first person ones.
The small drones, Yeah, yeah, the ones with the drones and everything. Wow, that's cool.
Yeah, nice.
It's fun.
Very, very cool. What else other than drones? What else is on your dating profile? Clearly not a lot, you know what?
You know what's nice? It's nice to see a brown guy on the other end of one of those fucking drones.
It's a nice, pleasant surprise.
Oh.
My god.
Another thing I do, it's like I'm trying to do a startup, so just working in the Web3 space, all that fun stuff.
What's your startup idea?
Called Movieplex, so basically it's a it's a....
It's a fucking Netflix.
Yeah, exactly. yeah, yeah.
It's like an uncensored Netflix.
Ah, yeah, okay, how's that going?
It's going well, yeah, we just raised some money for it, so it's pretty good.
You have, like, investors and stuff, yep, and you go and you pitch to them and you're like, So here's what it's going to be, so check it out.
We have this idea. It's like Netflix, but uncensored, and there's cocks everywhere.
Hey, look at that, you got a little trademark. did you guys see that?
Look at you.
Look, who made it funny up here, accidentally, real quick, not even thinking about it.
Frank, I'm so happy, it feels good, right?
It's really nice, right?
You do.
You look genuinely happy right now. I'm not, you're not, I am, I am.
I am, yeah, okay, you are all right, okay.
So Frank, let's talk about this. You talked about dating for 41 seconds straight. Yes, yeah. What was your last date like?
Yeah, so like I said in Austin, everyone here is a little bit different than L..A. So most people my age are married multiple times, have kids.
Right, they're straight, yeah.
Yeah, they're straight.
It's this way, different vibe, I'm not used to that in L..A.
It was very different.
So the last date that you went on, where do you go? Give us an example of how a Frank Ramos, you know, fucking rolls.
It's usually just like coffee dates, just to see if they're not catfishing first, and then after that it's just like dates and see where it goes.
What do you think they think? What is your profile? What is your profile?
Mine is really honest, like they already know what they're getting, but you never know, I never know what I'm getting.
Okay, do you get catfished a lot?
I think half the people on Tinder are catfished, so I don't think, wow, yeah, it's the bots and all this bullshit.
Now, with this chat GBT bullshit, we're all fucked.
Wow.
Okay, I don't know.
Break into a def jam set.
Chat, GBT bullshit. Yeah, there you go, fired up.
What's your best date in Austin? Your most successful, most pleasing, pleasurable date? Been like, you have a one night stand with any of these fucking bots or anything.
No, they're all fucking terrible, like I said the second time....
Give us an example of how you've blown it during a date.
Okay, I blew it because I said, I don't date women that have kids, and that's just not. I should have said it a lot better, I guess.
Yeah, like, after you came is when you should have said that I had to go to the bathroom first. It's not really saying it differently, it's when you say it.
It's like, Uh, by the way, Peace, I don't like kids, thank you. So here's a towel.
It's really a timing thing, Frank.
So you think it's harder to date out here than it is in L.A. It absolutely is.
Wow.
Really, that is wild, that is unheard of. I've never heard of such a thing. That is incredible.
Have you tried meeting people in real life?
That's why I'm here, ladies, like, What's up?
That's why I'm here. Is there a lady?
Is there a lady? Raise your hand out there? If you're a single lady that's willing to go on a date this week with Frank Ramos? Anybody out there, let's do it.
Let's see his heart out here.
Is that a real one? Why don't you come up here, lady? Come on up here, let's see, let's see what we're dealing with here.
She's got the balls to raise her hand. Let's see what goes on here. This is kill Tony, anything can happen, she almost stripped.
She almost got a real Spotify deal after falling at the mothership. Here she is, everybody. Wow, look at this, what a gentleman. Step on up to that microphone sweetheart.
What's your name?
My name is Mary.
Hi Mary, Oh my God, you're so charismatic. You're much better looking than I thought you would be. Thank you.
Coming from the back, willing to go on a date with Frank Ramos?
Seems like a real sweet guy though, right?
Yeah, you seem really sweet.
And you have a startup.
Andy has a startup.
She's interested in the startup.
Very, very good.
Yeah, Frank.
No, no, no, no, no.
We're at the goddamn one yard line, Frank.
Just fucking play it cool.
He's about to take her back to his place for whippets.
So you're close with Frank, you're right next to him, he's a good looking guy, he's got a startup. Don't ever do that with your head again, Frank.
That was literally the gayest thing you've done since you got on stage, which says a lot because at one point you went like this.
Incredible. So did you say, Mary? Yeah, Mary, did you sign up tonight? No.
So you just came with some friends. Have you seen the show before?
I've never seen the show.
This is amazing.
Me and my friend waited in line and we got in because we said we were a group of four and here we are.
I love it. You paid for tickets, right? Yeah, goddamn, right.
Okay, perfect.
Scared me there for a second. I thought we were going to have our first fire door guy here tonight, that was close. Well, Mary, I'm going to tell you something. We've been doing this show for almost ten years and there's a lot of magic that happens on this show.
Sometimes it's somebody's first time and it goes good, sometimes somebody got their U.S. citizenship here a few weeks ago. One thing that we also have been famous for doing in the last ten years is having magical moments happen. I was wondering, maybe to close out his time on the stage if you'd be willing to give Frank Ramos a real Austin, Texas, kiss.
She thinks you're gay too, faggot.
Make some noise for Mary, everybody.
What a good sport.
I'm going to buy Mary a drink.
That was pretty good. Wait.
So she doesn't want to go on a date with him. I thought the whole thing was like, he can go on a date with her.
I don't know.
She took off running, I know she did. She got out of here. I think she smelled cum on his breath and fucking started chugging. Frank, you got pulled out of the bucket first tonight.
It takes a lot of balls to do that, and we know you love balls.
You had your first time on stage, you rolled with the punches. You're actually, you know, you have a very good onstage presence, you're ridiculously likable. And if you write and do this more often, who knows what the fuck can happen? Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Frank Ramos.
Here's a little joke bug. take a little joke bug with you. That's from the Great Bones Eye Real Kill Tony little joke bugs.
Real Texas leather. Check out Bones Eye on Instagram. B-o-n-e-z-e-y-e Alex Olinger Alex Olinger is next.
Or Olinger, perhaps?
You guys still having fun out there?
A fun fact for you, while we're waiting for Alex. These little joke bugs say, kill Tony on the front and you suck on the back. Or it has a bomb on it if they bomb really bad.
And the big ones are just cool. Alex Olinger is next, and here we go, Alex Olinger, hopefully any second for the love of fucking God.
This is a new venue, we're working out some of the kinks as we go. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?
How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?
Alright, here he is, everybody.
Alex Olinger.
What a great thing to hear, right when I walk in. How many of you like when people do bad, yeah, this is what we're here for. Fuck.
I saw a hat the other day that said, Make America gay again.
I don't think.
America was never gay. Was it not enough to be gay again?
I mean, that's like, really gay, and then it stopped. I just like the idea of, like, the gay founding fathers just sit in the back, like Quincy.
Quincy Yes, Benjamin.
I have a question, Do these slaves make me look fat?
I think this is a targeted ad. Has anybody seen these shoes that, like, add like two and a half inches to men's height to get them pussy?
Dude who's 5'4 like me and then gets to 5'6 and is like, I can fuck her now. I think I got it.
Hey.
Oh.
Alex Olinger.
A great set.
Thank you.
You've been on this show before, I remember you.
Yeah, like two times.
Two times, it always goes good for you, doesn't it?
It's been, yeah, it's been pretty fun.
Is that your favorite set so far?
Yeah, it was because I was out in the alley and then I didn't know what was going on. So I just had to do the material and that was fun, kind of, yeah.
I was not expecting Shane Gillis.
Well, there you go.
You know what I mean and like, that was kind of cool, too.
I guarantee you he wasn't expecting you, Alex Olinger.
You got a little Rogan in you.
Oh god damn it, you look exact. Does he? dude? he does the fucking Reddit comments have been saying that.
I gotta get skinny or something.
Except Rogan wears jackets that fit him properly. I don't know what that is. Did someone shrink you earlier? What is going on?
It's like someone put a curse on Joe.
Yeah, Joe, are you in there?
That's crazy. I was left out in the sun too long. Uh-huh, yep.
Alex, What do you do for work?
I work construction.
What?
Yeah, I've been doing like.
What fucking legos?
Alright.
Okay, no, we're good, good enough. It's cool. Thank you Shane for that.
That's what I needed tonight. People are going to see this, my bad, my dad's going to see me later and be like, fucking Legos dude.
But it is something like that, isn't it, like tiny homes or something that you do?
What the fuck, dude, Red Band, what the god damn it dude.
What exactly do you do in construction you work in like?
We make custom shit for people's house, you guys make cookies in trees.
I don't know how that has anything to do with construction.
Alright, my bad.
Can you let me have 30 seconds?
My bad, my bad, my bad.
I'm trying my best.
So what, exactly?
You're making me nervous.
What is it exactly that you do? It's at the North Pole.
Yeah, I'm just trying to figure it out. Here you make toys for little kids, that's what you're constructing.
I make a lot of shoes for the orphans.
I'm mad.
No, what exactly do you do?
Fuck.
There must be, I see, a lot of construction, everybody, like, specializes in something, there must be like, Do you?
Are you the guy?
No, it's like rich people who are moving to Austin ask us to make things for their houses.
Like, what?
Like, Oh, dude, this one guy is making a sex dungeon, we get to make that. Wow, No, I'm serious, look at that.
I thought Tim was.
I was leaving.
It's a gay sex dungeon.
So what are you putting in this sex dungeon? Can you describe your method of approach here?
There's some rings like metal rings in chains. Oh my goodness for the dude to be like this. I think in the whole stairway down is brass, everything is brass going down there.
Oh my god.
Wow, a lot of brass.
And you can grab these rings at your height.
I think if I jumped or, like, got a running start, I could be up there like a gymnast while someone fucks me in my little ass.
How tall are you exactly for the podcast listeners?
Five.
Five hold on.
I hear you, brother, hold on.
You gotta give them a good number, you know?
What did you say?
Five-five.
Five-five, okay, but how about with the insoles taken out of the shoes?
A hot five-one.
You have a girlfriend?
Yes, I do.
How tall is she?
Six-four?
That'd be fucking sick, wouldn't it?
I bet.
If I was fucking a six-four girl, none of you would be laughing right now, yeah?
You'd still be like, Oh my god, no, we would be, because I'd be doing jokes about how you can't 69 with her, she's sucking your dick and you're just tossing her belly. Button salad.
The old fucking the old Iceberg wedge, you know what I mean? the old fucking the old fucking. Yeah, all right.
Toes in her pussy.
How tall is your girlfriend?
She's about like five-one.
Okay.
Ooh, nice, yeah.
I got a shorter one.
So it makes you feel normal.
That one gambles, it does.
It makes me feel good.
Aw, you guys blew it.
What was that?
I was gonna say he lived in the Shire.
Because they're both tiny.
Yeah, yeah, we have a beautiful home. It's a wooden door in the side of a hill.
Yeah.
Every night, dude wizards and people come over and we go on adventures to find the ring, uh-huh.
Mm uh-huh.
I think, all right, we gotta stop with this. He had a really good set.
No, it was amazing, it was incredible. Tell us how comedy's been going for you, Alex?
It's actually been going better than it has previously.
Why do you think? what do you think, the adjustment that you've made recently again? how long you been on it again?
About six years.
Six years. So what has been your most recent adjustment, or whatever that makes you think it's going better? Is there something in particular that you've been doing?
I would just forget about people's bullshit.
No, I just go up and do my thing, don't fucking me. I had a good set. Yeah, you did. Clearly it works.
Yeah, fucking trombone player, whatever the fuck he's doing, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, I can do it, too.
That was Michael Gonzales. I can do it too.
Hey, that's all right. It was a funny one. Don't ruin it.
Well, then be on my fucking friend dude, what the fuck?
Yeah.
Turning against each other.
You know what's funny? I knew he was gonna be good when he walked out. Like, right when you guys were saying, like, you wanna see comics do bad? He walked out and was like, he just looked over and was like, what the fuck? And I was like, nice.
It's a really scary thing to hear almost immediately.
Yeah, I bet, yeah.
I've never been in here. This is fucking cool.
Yeah, right.
It's like Indiana Jones.
Yep, you're.
It's like alien shit.
Yeah, you're gonna be back in the alleyway in 30 seconds.
You better soak it in, my friend.
I would like to.
Alex, I would love to have you back on the secret show. Wow.
Yes, grab that.
You just got booked on the show.
Thank you, thank you.
Alex Olinger There he goes, everybody.
On to the next one.
Hans Hilton, Hans Hilton, Hans Hilton is next. Let's see if we can get this moving a little bit faster.
You get.
Let's play some music or something, what's going on, how's everybody doing?
I called the name Hans Hilton is in the mix. This is definitely a new name I would know if I had seen a Hans Hilton before.
Incredible. The two out of the four comedians so far tonight are Hans's. This is very exciting. Perhaps this is a cross between Hans Kim and Paris Hilton.
Here he is, Hans Hilton, everybody.
What's up, Austin?
I got three kids, so last year for my birthday, I got a vasectomy.
The number one question guys ask me is, Did it hurt? Did it hurt? Less than a fourth kid would hurt?
But I was really nervous going into it, so I was trying to find ways to get rid of the nerves. And one clinic recommended nitrous oxide. You guys remember the laughing gas from the dentist's office? Their motto was Come laugh your balls off with us, and it was a great start, but I was still nervous.
I kept researching. Another clinic recommends a brosectomy. That's where three of your friends come with you, you guys all get snipped together. That's when I found out I don't have three good friends because I went alone.
But the biggest thing I was worried about was that it wasn't going to work. Because they say it's supposed to keep you from having kids, and wouldn't, you know? I went home, those three fuckers were still there, didn't keep me from having anything. I called my wife while I was waiting out in the alley and told her I was waiting, hoping to perform for one minute.
She said I should be really good at that because I've got lots of experience.
Alright, Hans Hilton.
Is that your real name? Hans Hilton? What the fuck?
I've been asked my whole life if it was my stage name, and that's my real name, but now it's also my stage name.
What other stages were you on?
No, I'm serious.
Is it just comedy?
You got like a Christian vibe.
I've been told I've got youth pastor vibes, yeah.
Big time, dude, big time.
Like, smile while someone's insulting you, just like, Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
I am way too nice, yeah.
Nice you are. Yes, where are you from?
California.
Okay, what part?
I was born in Linwood, California, and currently live in Downey, California.
Oh, wow, a bunch of places I've never heard of, that's incredible.
Hey, Linwood's better known by our neighbors Compton and Watts, so you could probably fill in the blanks.
What blank?
Wow, how often do you say the n-word?
Oh, sure, yeah, we say it a lot, not ever anymore.
Oh yeah.
Hans Hilton What do you do for work?
I sell knives.
Oh.
To who?
Old ladies.
Yeah, exactly.
Great location for that.
Kitchen knives, Kitchen knives.
Really kitchen knives Cutco.
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