#2075 - Protect Our Parks 10 (Part 2)

Joe Rogan podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Stream by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day.

Nights are nuts because all cats will fight each other. Like if they find each other out in the wild, they're never really cool with each other.

Sometimes they are. Sometimes if they're in the neighborhood.

But don't they have to grow up together? Yeah, it's like women.

They hate each other.

You ever notice how women don't have friends?

You know who hates women the most? Women.

Girl power.

Who runs the world? Girls.

Who runs the world? Jews.

I bought you that book, by the way.

Who runs the world? Jews?

No, the Lizzo book.

Oh, I thought you were joking.

Lizzo's got a book? Is it a cookbook? I'm gonna read it.

What was the book? What did it say?

I... I don't... I don't want any part of this.

Chicken soup of the soul?

I was like, I gotta buy this.

You actually bought that? Yes. I gave you Bloodlands. You gave me Lizzo.

That sounds like a balanced offer.

Oh, you mean the Lizzo way? Yeah, that way. 100% that book you need.

That's it. I got you that. Oh, you got me that? Yeah, I'll bring it in next time.

I thought when she got in trouble, it would just blow a hole through everything.

Ah, come on.

I thought when they were coming after her.

for bottle shaming.

For what? For being a diva? What was the worst thing she did?

I thought it would put an end to DC. It was the worst thing she did.

It was the worst thing. she did.

She didn't do anything.

Also, for real, I know it's like... Free Lizzo.

She didn't do shit. What did she do?

What was her accusations? She made a performer show a banana for pussy?

Normal shit.

Fucking baller shit, dude. Lizzo rules.

I've seen her. Puts on a good concert. She's good.

I will say, I was actually pissed when they made her twerk with... I think it was James Madison's flute.

Why?

It was just such a bullshit.

I kind of like it. I think it symbolizes the time we're living in.

I think it does, too. I think the time sucks.

Maybe, but maybe not. It depends on your perspective.

I'm with you.

It's the most fun time to be alive.

Genuinely, it's like... I get it. I genuinely don't care about that. guy's fucking flute. Fuck him.

I don't like it.

But I know why they're celebrating it. Right. They're like, yeah. Yeah. In your fucking face.

Yeah.

I know they don't give a fuck about history.

She played a 200-year-old flute.

Jesus.

Man.

Ozembic.

Yeah, I guess I don't give a fuck about it.

I have zero problem with that. That could have been a replica. She wasn't playing it recklessly.

She was just twerking while she played it.

Which is fine.

Imagine the street cred you would get if you spiked it and said, fuck, white supremacy.

That would kill.

That would be the most polarizing moment in human history.

I'd be like, wow.

I'd be like, what the fuck? For the record, I take back my opinion from one minute ago.

I still think it sucks.

The thing that does suck about it, though, is them covering it.

That's the problem.

They're covering it because they want you to be mad.

She might have been doing it because, oh, I'm getting one of the president's lawsuits.

That's pretty cool.

The Smithsonian was like, you play the flute, you're a major performer, we want you to play the flute. So she did it.

But all she did was wiggle her butt a little. Is that the biggest problem we have? There's fucking drone bombings in Yemen and the invasion of Ukraine. Who gives a fuck?

That's where it gets confusing.

She did what she does. First of all, she did it in her underwear.

Costume.

Look how she's dressed. Go back to that, please. Is the wiggling of the buttocks... I take it back.

I take it all back.

She's going to run for Senate.

No, I'm back. I hate it.

We're all over the place with this. Can I hear how good she played it?

She's a good flautist.

She is.

Flauta.

She does love flute. Keep that in mind.

It would be funny if they were like, this is actually a Native American flute.

This is her instrument.

I take it all back. Now I'm back in. I like what she did.

I think it actually rules. Her one instrument is the flute. She's like, I'm playing a president's instrument.

She did it well. She fucking moved her body a little bit.

That's fine. I agree with that. Joe.

Stop making me the bad guy. Racists play dog whistles? What? The problem people are having with Lizzo has nothing to do with the flute. Thank you, Rex.

Dude, what a big downer. Can you write any positive stories?

Here's my take. If you're a right-wing conservative person and you get mad at Lizzo playing the flute like that. That's left-wing. The left-wing people are mad at her?

No, no, no.

The right-wing people are mad that she played that.

He's saying it's dog whistles. Listen, he's saying that the right-wing people are mad.

He's saying the right-wing people are mad because she's playing the flute of a slave owner?

Wouldn't left-wing be mad?

No, no, no. She's playing the instrument of the enemy?

You could go that way, too.

Because the right-wing people are mad, that she is being disrespectful. The right-wing people are being mad.

No!

The Jews killed Jesus and an angel.

The right-wing people.

are mad because Lizzo is supposedly being disrespectful to a historical's flute. But clearly she's not being disrespectful at all. She's playing the flute.

She's holding it.

very carefully. She's playing it well. No, it's right-wing people. But she's being Lizzo while she's doing it. If you're going to hire Lizzo to do it, she's going to do what Lizzo does.

So she did it. Exactly!

Lizzo! Lizzo! Lizzo! Lizzo!

We are Team Lizzo!

We're Team Lizzo!

We're Team, Lizzo! I just took a DNA test.

Minnesota Viking.

Yes!

Shit, that's rude. That's it.

Fat women are funny.

Don't get involved in the anger. Just this song rules.

This is a good tune.

How many views? You almost broke my TV, you fucking idiot.

How many views on this song? Five million.

You're surprised. this lady made money eat a banana?

This song slaps.

This is a good song.

Crazy that her backup dancers are mad at her. She's having fun.

That's always how it works, though, man.

That's always how it works. Backup dancers always get upset. How do you run the thing? If you dare your backup dancers, how do you run the thing? Do you run the thing like someone who's a tyrant?

You've got to keep control of these ladies, or they'll get out of line.

Also, who's she bringing with?

There was also that show that she had.

where she was putting those ladies on tour.

and their ankles couldn't sustain it. You're on tour now.

She had a show?

These ladies were dancing on tour. Wasn't it some kind of crazy thing?

My 600-pound life.

It was like these big girls that were dancing on tour.

There you go.

Blowing out MCLs.

That just looks like an airport.

These are big girls?

This just looks like Saturday night at the club.

Wow.

You guys see the guy on the left?

Is that a guy?

Is this the California Panthers?

It's a fucking H. Foley.

Jesus Christ.

It's an Ozimbic head.

Oh, my god.

Following Lizzo. Lizzo.

She's a fun lady. We've got to get her on here.

No. I highly doubt she'd be interested in that.

I think she would. She might stop herself, but she would be interested because of your fucking rules.

If you watch all that, that's all fun to me. I don't have any problem with the way she played that flute. She was really good at it.

Who else was doing rock flute? It went to the 70s, then nothing until today.

They also must have

I want to play this. They were saying it was fucking liberal-ass Smithsonian.

So they wanted it to happen because they wanted her to play the flute of a slave owner? No, a president.

They wanted to be like, we did it. But kind of.

didn't they do it?

Didn't they do it, though?

Isn't that okay to celebrate? Isn't that a weird thing?

I know. I agree.

It is a weird thing. It's kind of pretty badass. One of the most famous.

black artists is playing.

a flute of a guy who owns slaves. Imagine being at the concert. It's pretty fucking American.

Imagine being at the concert and she's playing a president's flute and you're in the audience going, I don't know how I feel about this. Instead of going, this rules.

But then I saw it on Twitter and I had a couple drinks and I was looking at it and I was going, I don't know how I feel about this.

At the show. it would have been like, I was at the show where she played the fucking president's flute.

That is cool.

They're not doing that in Germany.

They're not playing.

Harvey Weinstein. It really ought to piss them off. It's Hitler's fucking armada.

the fucking imperial march on harmonica.

I will say, if some Jew ripped a fucking electric guitar that Hitler owned, it would be cool.

Harmonica Lewinsky.

Like if somebody let Paul McCartney play Napoleon's piano. That would be a pretty fucking dope watch.

Wait, did he attack us?

Napoleon?

I don't think he ever touched America.

The Beatles took over America.

They took over America's youth.

That's right.

Well, they stole black rock and roll and then they came over here and corrupted our.

sluts.

If you drink that, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

Water? You don't like to do what you drink? No.

What are you doing, man?

That's stolen from a stream somewhere.

Pouring it out for the Hamas people?

Don't do it. Don't piss in that. Go to the bathroom.

Go to the bathroom. Arby, come on!

Jesus Christ, dude. What happened? Ew, your piss is so yellow.

This is so unnecessary.

You're so unhydrated.

I know that's not vitamins.

Okay, squeeze it.

Now get out of here. Put it down. You got to top it off.

No, no, no, cut this out.

Blur that out.

Zoom on this semitic head.

Why are you doing this?

Because I had to fucking pee. I didn't know how much I had on my head.

Don't piss in the fucking...

You're not going to make it.

That's good liquor. It's also a small hole. You're going to make a problem.

I've done this plenty of times.

Now I agree with Dr. Gay.

This is fucked up, dude.

I have to pee, too.

I'm going to get up. Did I beat you?

Be a man.

I beat you, fatty, on the piss.

Shaking it at the end, are you?

Joe, he thought it was a competition. He's saying he's going to beat you.

That's a lot of urine.

There's more urine than I expected, I'll be honest.

What are you doing?

I can go longer without peeing.

You could, or we could both die trying.

Why don't you actually drink this time?

I've had six of these.

I've had three beers.

Now you've got to hold it.

The competition's all ruined. Ari just pissed in front of us.

Why'd you do that?

He's a psycho.

I've seen Ari piss more than I've seen any other man piss. in the entire 56 years I've been alive.

You should have seen no one piss.

I've seen Ari piss on air. It'd be like you had a pie chart of all the times I've seen you piss.

It would be like Ari and a few fucking.

drunken shadows in a back alleyway of a bar where a bunch of guys are pissing together.

You're Ari Kelly.

It would mostly be Ari pissing.

It's just easier.

It's not easier. Ari's like, why don't you go to the bathroom right here?

Why don't you go to the bathroom?

The other day I had to pee and I was leaving and I was like, it's kind of a good point. I have to do all this. You finally saw it. You finally saw it. I can't get what you're saying.

The piss tapes.

You know what's good is Stan Hope has a urinal right outside of his bar in his house.

That's hilarious.

I hope he's alright, though.

I think he's doing good.

Is he cutting back a little?

I think he cut back.

That's not him.

That's not him.

I think he chilled on smoking cigs, right?

Yes, he did.

Somebody just told me he killed.

Yes, he opened up for Burt in Worcester. He went out there. as the mayor of Worcester. Burt, said, he destroyed. He's like Worcester stand up.

He pissed on me one time.

He's one of my favorite people.

Look at him.

The mayor of Worcester.

He looks good.

He's an animal.

He's great. He's got some of the best stand up just over the years.

He's got great points.

I saw him at King King in Hollywood and he goes, I make fun of everybody. People ask me how come I don't make fun of Jews. I thought about it and I was like, that's a decent point. Here's 35 minutes on Jews.

The Jew chunk is incredible. It's a masterpiece. The Jew chunk he has.

He's just a real deal. He's a great comic. He's a great guy. What you see is what you get. He is who he is 24-7..

Fashion wise, I love it.

He went silly. He went silly in our lifetime. It happened some day. One day he started wearing these suits. I'm like, what are you doing with the suits?

I got some suits.

I like it. I like it too.

He's just saying, hey guys, I'm not going to take any of this seriously.

I'm having fun. He's having fun.

He sold out a Boo-Woo. when I started comedy. The internet was still weird, but he was all over it. He couldn't get a thing on Netflix or whatever. He just sold out all these theaters in New York and we all went to every show.

Somewhere along the line, people realized that they can become the gatekeepers. That's what we're doing.

He had an offer for San Jose Improv. We'll give you $2,500 for the week. He goes, I can do that in one night at a bar show. He started doing that everywhere.

He got a mailing list. He also just stayed himself. No matter what happened, he just stayed himself. He figured out a way to stay himself. Not everybody does.

You try to be something.

You get a brand going. You've got to keep it up. You can't keep it up forever.

Why are you in a brand?

You're just pissing a bottle.

Why are you going to the bathroom when you're pissing bottles?

It's your brand, dumbass.

That is your thing. That's a smart brand.

Pull out the plastic one. That's way more impressive. If you drink it,

you'll be the king of skank fest.

No, no.

Jesus Christ.

This guy's would drink it.

The guy who did the baby bird, he would drink it.

He goes, I'll eat all this. if I get an internship job for free. I don't make money.

He was already an intern.

Oh, really?

There was nothing to gain.

He did it for props.

He got the props.

He's a legend. Your brand is this. You've got to be this because you're already 71.. You've got to be this guy all the way.

You want to go pee with me, Norman?

No, I'm good. I'm very comfortable.

You win.

Yeah, clip it.

You know what's fun? Fucking acid, Joe Rogan.

He was so nice.

That was fun.

We were standing there with Jamie. He was like, Jamie's, the best. Do you remember that, Jamie? Jamie, you went home and jacked off to that compliment.

Jamie, how hard did you jack off, dude? Scale of 7 to 10..

Just last night or today?

Just last night about it.

Jamie, low key, funny. Low key.

Keep it going, bully.

Shut up, dude. You're fucking Dr. Gay.

You keep bullying me. I don't bully you, dude.

He's going to shoot up at school. He's like a real FSU fan over here.

Oh, FU.

No, they deserve to be in.

Yeah,

He tried to bully me. He bullied me earlier in the football season because he knows I like Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Then he tried to bully me and then his team got in front of everybody. Everybody laughed at them.

The Seattle Storm.

Yeah.

This year, I'm a Michigan football fan. Really? Yeah, this year.

That's funny, because they are literally the Jewish team.

Are they?

A lot of Jews go to Michigan.

Really?

A lot of Jews go there. I'm also a Tottenham Hotspurs fan.

Especially with that beard.

Yet, army, what's up?

Kalama Jew.

What'd I miss?

We were talking about how cool you are in acid.

Jamie's a bitch.

No, we were just supporting J-Mo.

Shane was starting to get real nasty.

I was not getting nasty.

Shane claims nastiness, in others a lot, but he's quite often nasty.

Do you think YouTube would allow us to show piss on your desk?

Yeah.

It's got to cover the dickhead.

We'll make it as the seventh day of Hanukkah.

Don't be sacrilegious. Please don't be sacrilegious.

Menorah. Labia majora.

Jesus Christ.

I can't believe I have to handle your piss ball.

Thank God for plastics.

You're going to die real soon.

Whatever's going on inside, you can't be fixed by science.

It could be chlamydia. I peed in a cup once. They were like, you have it.

They were like,

this is too warm to be healthy.

Boiling, piss. Boiling.

Remember when you first got chlamydia? and you're pissing in two directions? You're like, something's up.

I never got it. How weird is it?

It's going on.

Steaming right along.

How weird is it that there's diseases that can only be transmitted through sex?

AIDS? No, that's other ones.

AIDS, chlamydia, herpes.

But no, that's needles too.

I'll quote Sam Kennison. Name one.

You've got chlamydia,

gonorrhea. They say it's an infectious disease.

HPV.

Herpes. The wild ones are the ones.

that kill you like syphilis.

Syphilis.

It makes you have holes in your face and you see your fucking jawbone.

Is that right?

I bet it was worth it, though.

Syphilis was the one.

that they brought back.

from Native Americans. Really?

Imagine fucking a hot Choctaw. back then, though. That must have been hot. You don't even speak the same language. You're just banging some lady in a teepee.

Then you get some disease that makes holes in your fucking scalp. Show images of people dying from syphilis, Jamie. What did you do? Take the piss jug?

I just ruled him.

Oh.

I didn't know. you could get an STD from a Native American.

I'm not exactly sure about the syphilis thing. I've been told two different things. I've been told that it existed already, but then I've been told that there's different strains. The one that existed in Europe was very different than the one that existed in North America.

Instead of going to the fucking doctor at the Bob Hope Clinic, you had to take a rod down your fucking cock hole.

And they didn't have antibiotics back then. Guys are still going for it.

Look at the holes on people's faces.

Imagine going to church without your face. Nah, it's from a toilet seat.

This is also how Al Capone died. Al Capone died of syphilis.

Rodded his brain.

Jamie, show photographs of people dying from syphilis. It's fucking terrifying, man. It makes you rot holes in your fucking head.

And now we got a penicillin.

Look at that guy's head. Look at the top of his fucking head, man.

That's what Crocodile does.

Yeah, real similar.

Crocodile. Russian drug. It eats away at your skin.

Look at that guy's fucking face is gone.

That's a kid. Why dress up? Why even wear a button down shirt?

God, that's so terrifying. What else are you going to wear? a t-shirt? That's a terrifying disease, man.

How did the kid get it?

How did he stay still for a fucking...

Dude, there's a bunch of different diseases that before, things like penicillin,

they just killed everyone. They just killed you.

Before they came up with antibiotics, people were fucked. Do you know that if the Spanish flu happened today, that they would be able to cure all of it with antibiotics?

Really?

Yeah, I was listening to this podcast and we were discussing what was the cause of the death of the Spanish flu. It was a bunch of different diseases that would be also caused by this compromised immune system from the flu. You're getting devastated by the flu and then you get emphysema or something, tuberculosis or something like that. They were saying that, whatever these diseases were, in a modern hospital setting, if you came and you had them, they'd give you antibiotics and you'd probably survive.

Do you think that would be with COVID 100 years from now? Do they just give them muscle total?

Spanish flu would just kill everybody.

The COVID thing, there was a lot going on.

But I'm saying, wouldn't they have some new medical thing? Oh, 100%. They definitely would.

But it also would be like, why was everybody so sick? Why was everybody so vulnerable?

Yikes. We're lucky to be alive now and in this country.

What the COVID thing should wake people the fuck up to is that this whole thing is super fragile. And you think it's not because it's not right now. Because right now Ari can cough and I can fucking unzip or pull my fucking cord and adjust my seat. Everything's fine. But if right, while all this is going on, we got hit by an asteroid, like right now.

Oh yeah, exactly. All your safety. I just did 10 pushups. I ain't gonna help you now.

We could just be chilling and you could just hear a subtle boom in the distance, like boom. And that's a 5 mile wide chunk of iron hitting China.

And then the whole world.

is fucked. The whole world is fucked for a million years. And we probably don't survive. And what probably survives is crows. Crows probably evolve and crows grow thumbs and their wings start having hands on them and they start making buildings.

I was just in Yucatan. They said the whole Gulf of Mexico is just the comet.

You didn't know that, you stupid idiot.

And then all the cenotes.

You didn't know that already?

I didn't know that at all.

Fucking shit.

Yeah, that was just a theory until, I think, the 80s.

I think, if you look at a fucking map.

It's obvious.

Yeah, but they had to figure out things like core samples and shit. They had to figure out iridium. Iridium's the big one.

Ew. Stop doing that, dude.

Everybody's going to use that.

Or a comet. We haven't in a while,

but it's inevitable.

Just come. Just get us already.

Well, the thing is, it's like every June and every September, what is it? The Leonid comet showers? We go through these things every June and every November, I think it is. How was that?

It hurts. America's the best country on Earth.

It hurts the throat.

It's so cold.

Can you imagine how gay you'd feel if you were from another fucking country?

Well, if we did this podcast in Canada, we'd be in jail.

Straight up jail.

Imagine how pissed the Taliban would be if we were in Afghanistan and having fun like this.

And the right would hate us.

They hate our freedoms.

Yeah.

If we were in Afghanistan doing this,

first of all, you'd cuss.

They must watch our porn and be like, this is pretty good.

Shit goes sideways.

What if Saudi Arabia steps in and buys? Protect Our Parks?

You can either accept that.

and move to a place where we have zero crime.

Give me those glasses back.

You accept that and move to a place where we have zero crime.

Did you switch already?

Are you guys switching glasses?

Have I been wearing them the whole time? Am I retarded?

What happened?

I think I'm just retarded.

I got these over your house.

Guys, Saudi Arabia.

I bid I perform for the troops number one.

Best golf in the world.

UAE, I'm with you.

Saudi Arabia is number one.

Joe Biden agrees.

I went there and it's just sand and murals. Murals of weird guys and turbans and shit. It was a real bummer. It was sad.

Jesus Christ just ruined our deal with Netflix.

We're trying to go to Saudi Arabia.

I'm performing for the troops.

That's even worse. We've got to start supporting...

It was the Taliban.

We're going to have to make the jump. America's dead.

The move is we need to get in the oil business. We've got to start drilling.

It's where it's all at.

Imagine we have Protect Our Parks gas stations. How many bros would only get their gas at Protect Our Parks gas stations?

we get one stripper, we keep him. There's a stripper inside the gas station. She's dancing on the pole.

It would just be Mark doing puns. That's what it would be. Every guy named Phillip filling up.

Mark doing gas. Fart.

Gas station.