disliking people

I actually dislike a lot of people. I wouldn't say I hate a lot of people,

but I definitely dislike a lot of people. Now, to me, there's a big difference between dislike and

hate. To me, the definition of dislike is simply a feeling of aversion or disapproval,

just not being fond of someone, whereas the definition of hate is intense or passionate

dislike. When I think of hate, I think of an extreme form of dislike. I don't know if this

is necessarily perfectly correct definition-wise, but for the sake of today's conversation,

I'm going to distinguish dislike and hate by the level of intensity and the level that it impacts

the person experiencing the feeling. For the sake of today's conversation,

let's look at dislike as more of a subtle feeling that can be much more easily controlled,

and let's look at hatred as a feeling that's much more reckless and spellbinding and intense

and at times uncontrollable. Dislike is much easier to hide. You know, you can smile and wave

when you dislike somebody, but when you hate somebody, it's much harder. You might be able

to smile and wave, but you might also erupt, like who knows? I feel like hate is much more

consuming in a way. Dislike can be something that just sort of lingers in the back of your mind.

I want to discuss disliking people rather than hating people today, because I find dislike to

be much more complex. Hatred is much easier to analyze to me, okay? It's much easier to figure

out why you hate someone. It's such a strong extreme emotion. It usually stems from a strong

and extreme experience with that person, at least in my experience. It's usually very obvious why

you hate someone. You're not like digging through your mind trying to figure out why

you hate someone. Usually the person harmed you, or they intensely challenged your beliefs,

or they really, really make you jealous, whereas dislike is just much more complex.

Although it can stem from someone harming you, or disagreeing with you, or from jealousy,

I find that dislike can also stem from much more subtle things, like literally just thinking

someone's annoying. I find often with myself that I don't like someone, and I don't actually know

why at first, because it's not obvious to me. Like, I have to dig deep into myself to figure

out why I don't like them, and there are so many reasons why I find I don't like someone.

Sometimes I don't like people because they seem sort of fake to me. I just feel like they're not

being real with me, and it makes me sort of uncomfortable. I don't like being around them

because I feel uneasy. I don't feel like I'm experiencing their true self. Maybe I feel like

way that they're treating me is a certain way in order to gain something from me, or have me

believe something about them. There's something inauthentic about the way that they're presenting

themselves to me, and I don't like that. Sometimes I don't like people because I think their sense of

humor is frustrating. Sometimes I find other people's sense of humor to be just a bummer.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like, just a bummer. I'm like, this isn't funny, or this is kind of

annoying to me for some reason. Like, this kind of grinds my gears for some reason.

Listen, there are probably people who meet me who think my sense of humor fucking sucks. Great.

That's fine. That's totally fine. You know, we're not always going to see eye-to-eye on that in life.

It's very easy to disagree on sense of humor because everybody's sense of humor is a little

bit different. I tend to not like people who are really cocky, or have like a big attitude,

or a big ego. That's unfortunate. I don't like that. I obviously tend to dislike people who

have a bad attitude towards me, or a cold attitude towards me.

I don't like when I feel like people are competitive with me. I tend to dislike people

who have this subtle sort of competitiveness. Somebody being too nice can make me feel weird.

It's all across the board. Sometimes there's just something about their energy that I can't

pinpoint, that I just don't like. Now, a lot of times, people that I dislike didn't do anything

wrong. They weren't super mean. They didn't hurt me. I don't hate them. I don't even necessarily

feel aggravated by them. I just don't like them. This happens to me a lot, and I somewhat feel

guilty about it. Although, I am able to empathize and wish well to these people that I don't like.

But no matter how nice I am to them, and how much I try to wish them well,

I can't turn off the fact that I just don't fucking like them, and it just is what it is.

Now, if I just disliked 5% of the people I met, I wouldn't think much of it. But I feel like I

dislike probably 40%, maybe even 50% of the people that I meet on a day-to-day basis. Maybe 40%.

Now, obviously, that leaves me with actually liking 60% of the people I meet, which is

not too bad. But still, there's this 40% of people that I don't like, and that's a lot of people.

And I found myself recently wondering if I'm the problem. You know, is it wrong to dislike people?

Especially when they didn't do anything wrong, right? Like, am I in the wrong here?

Now, I never act upon my dislike, right? Majority of my feelings remain inside. You know, I never

treat people that I don't like badly. I never show people that I don't like them. I hide it

very well, as I think a lot of us do, you know? I know I'm not alone in this, by the way. This is

not like a unique experience to me. This is something that I know a lot of other people

experience because I talk about this with my friends. I talk about this with my family. I

know that this is something that is common to experience. And I know that most of us hide it

really well. So in theory, it's kind of harmless because the people that we dislike don't really

know that we dislike them. But I still feel sort of guilty about it. And I still ask myself

frequently if I'm the problem, if it's wrong to dislike people, especially for no reason.

I feel like the sort of stereotypical positive narrative in the world is that

you should love everybody. Now, this can mean a lot of things, you know? Loving everybody can mean

to truly love everyone. And in your heart, find the good in everyone and choose to see that.

And only that, right? Or maybe not only that, but pretty much just that.

Loving everyone could mean appreciating people for what they show you in life,

whether that's directly positive or indirectly positive. So like you might love someone who

beat you in your fifth grade softball game because that taught you how to be a good loser.

You know what I'm saying? Even though you kind of dislike that person because they beat you,

they indirectly taught you something that was positive. And so you love them for that.

Or let's say your first boyfriend cheated on you. Maybe you can find love for your first boyfriend

because that experience taught you a lot about your own independence. So in turn, you love that

person because your experience with them taught you something valuable. I mean, I don't really

know what it means to love everybody, but I feel like this is something we see posted on social

media or written on a t-shirt, and it really could mean so many different things. But in a lot of

ways, I think it's kind of unrealistic, right? I think you can find appreciation for everyone in

some way, but then again, like some people do some really fucked up shit to you. I don't know if you

can always find love and appreciation for people. There are going to be times in life when you can't.

I don't know. I feel like this sounds great in theory, but I think it's sort of a catchy headline.

Like, oh, we need to love everybody. I think that statement, it's too broad to be helpful. Do you

know what I'm saying? It's too broad to be helpful. It's excluding so many potential scenarios where

it's like if someone kills your dog on purpose, are you going to love that person? I don't know if

you can, right? In any way, shape, or form. So I don't know. Maybe I'm being too analytical about

it, but regardless, this sort of idea that, you know, we should love everybody and stuff, I think

has sort of sat in the back of my head and made me feel guilty anytime I've ever disliked someone.

And maybe that's because I have a misunderstanding of the sentiment around loving everybody.

I'm not quite sure. But I think this sort of narrative that we see floating around can make

us feel bad at times for just simply disliking people because we do. What I've been really trying

to figure out is whether or not it's wrong. Like, is it wrong to not like people even if it's just

in your head? Is it wrong? Because I've sort of convinced myself that it might be,

but I'm not so sure. So I sort of went soul-searching on the internet. If that's even

possible, to go soul-searching on the internet. I don't know. See, like that seems a little bit

ironic to me, right? If anything, soul-searching happens everywhere but on the internet. But

I did do some research. I started out by researching why we dislike people,

and I found a handful of reasons. It could stem from bad social experiences in your past.

It could stem from trust issues. Both of those things being prevalent in almost everyone's life,

right? I think everyone has had bad social experiences, and I think almost everyone has

some form of trust issues. It's impossible to go through your whole life and never get burned,

never get fucked over. And every time we have an experience where we get burned or we get

fucked over, it's almost like we become a little bit more sensitive, and a little bit more keen,

and a little bit more aware. And when we're out in the world looking for friends, looking for

potential significant others, we're trying to find somebody who doesn't set off our signals.

We're trying to find somebody who doesn't remind us in some way of who burned us in the past.

It's like we have muscle memory in a way. But I guess the more bad experiences you've had with

people, the more sensitive you're going to be when it comes to going out in the world and finding

new people. Because the likelihood that someone's going to trigger a memory or a feeling that you

once got from someone who hurt you is higher because you've had so many more bad experiences

and you have so much more muscle memory. I think that this could definitely be a part of why

I dislike a lot of people. I definitely have a decent amount of muscle memory, as most of us do.

And at times, my muscle memory can misread a situation. I can pick up on something that

reminds me of a bad memory without me even realizing it, and then be like, I don't like

that person. And I might not even realize it at the time. I might never realize it,

why that specific person just rubbed me the wrong way and I just didn't like them.

So that's an interesting reason. I also read that hyper-awareness of the bigger picture in life

can make it harder to find people you like. Because chances are you're not entertained

or stimulated by small talk or material conversations, which are the type of

conversations that are the most comfortable to have. It's not very comfortable to meet someone

and then right off the bat start talking about deep stuff. I mean, listen, every once in a while,

you'll get two people in a room who have that ability to just open up that can of worms

immediately. But for the most part, a lot of us feel more comfortable starting out conversations

with strangers in a way that's low risk. Small talk, material conversations, it's just easy.

And if you're someone who sees the bigger picture in life, then you're going to immediately be

bored by new people 99% of the time, because most people who are coming up to you and talking to

for the first time are not going to bring up anything mentally stimulating. They're probably

going to bring up some boring surface level shit because that's what's comfortable and easy to do.

I don't think that this one applies to me personally, because I definitely would say I'm

aware of the bigger picture in life and that's something that I focus on frequently and discuss

frequently with my close friends and family, right? But at the same time, I understand that

it's uncomfortable meeting a stranger. There are going to be times when someone meets me

and they don't feel comfortable talking about deeper topics or more mentally stimulating

topics right off the bat. That totally makes sense to me. So I feel like I have a level of

patience there. So that one didn't really apply to me, but it might apply to you listening. So

we're mentioning it. I also read that a lot of people have unrealistic expectations about others.

I've actually made a podcast episode about this, having unrealistically high expectations for

people. You know, if you're expecting everyone you meet to have the same interests as you,

be as outgoing as you, have the same sense of humor as you, like if you're expecting those

type of things out of others, you're always going to end up disappointed. The problem is a lot of

we set those types of expectations subconsciously. And to be honest, I think I'm guilty of this at

times, although I'm not sure if I'm able to turn it off. But at the same time,

I don't mind when somebody has different interests to me, different sense of humor.

Sometimes those things can end up not being ideal for me. Sometimes those are traits that

make me dislike somebody, but sometimes they're traits that don't really matter to me. So I guess

it just depends. I also read that you might dislike a lot of people if you dislike yourself.

Now this one was uncomfortable for me to reflect upon because I think that there is probably some

truth there. I mean, for me, you know, I think there's, I mean, obviously there's truth there

in general, but for me personally, I also think that there might be some truth there.

I really confuse myself because in a lot of ways I do dislike myself, but I also

appreciate myself in a lot of ways. I don't know. I have a really cloudy sort of understanding of

how I feel about myself. And so I'm not really properly able to pinpoint if this is an issue

because there are times when I appreciate myself, but there are also times when

I loathe myself or I feel like I'm an imposter. Like I have imposter syndrome. I feel like I

don't deserve things. I feel like, you know, a cheater, even when I didn't cheat at anything,

you know, that's kind of what imposter syndrome is. But yet there are also times that I appreciate,

I don't know. So I don't know. But I think there are definitely things that I dislike about myself.

I'm insecure about, et cetera. And I think that that probably applies to 10% of the people that

I just dislike for no reason. Maybe somebody triggers a little bit of jealousy in me,

just a little bit, maybe a lot. And so I dislike them because I'm a little jealous of them.

That's definitely happened. That definitely happens. I usually can tell though, when I

don't like somebody because I'm jealous of them for some reason, and I'm able to sort of turn that

one off. I hate admitting it to myself, but I feel like I'm pretty good about turning that one off.

I can't always though. I also read that feeling like you can't be yourself around others can make

you dislike people because it makes you uncomfortable when you feel like you can't be

yourself. And it might not necessarily be the other person's fault that for whatever reason,

you don't feel safe to express yourself. But anytime you have to stifle your personality or

hide your personality or change your personality, even you're likely going to resent the people

who made you feel that way, because they put you into an uncomfortable position.

Whether they did it deliberately or not, I've definitely felt intimidated by people or judged

by people in a way that made me feel like I need to alter my personality in some way. And that

always upsets me. I also read that you might dislike people just because you're easily irritated.

You're somebody who's just simply easily irritated. Or you just believe all people

are bad. Some people go through life believing that all people are bad.

Sort of like guilty until proven innocent. I'm not sure if I'm easily irritated.

I think internally I might be at times. Never externally. You can never tell. But I think

internally I can get irritated pretty easily. But it also depends on my mood. Because I can

also be incredibly patient. See, I am really patient actually. I am pretty patient. But

if I'm tired or I'm exhausted, yeah, I'm going to get irritated easily. I'll hide it.

But I guess that one's kind of 50-50. I definitely don't believe all people are bad. I actually tend

to assume the best in people and then get disappointed. I would say that's probably what

happens to me more often. So I don't know if that one applies to me. The last thing I read about

was introversion. Being an introvert. If you have an introverted personality type,

you feel drained by excessive interactions with people and the mental stimulation that it requires

to be social. And that sort of exhaustion can cause you to just dislike a lot of people because

it sort of goes against your nature to be social all the time. And so your tendency to get exhausted

socially can lead you to frustration easily with people. Even if they're cool or nice or whatever,

you might end up disliking them just because you're introverted.

This was really fascinating to me because I've never really been able to figure out

if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. If you're extroverted, it means you actually feel drained

when you're alone and you gain energy and recharge by being social. If you're introverted,

it's the opposite. You recharge when you're alone and you sort of lose energy when you're

being too social. I've never been able to figure out which one I am because I feel like both are

true for me. But more often I feel like I recharge when I'm alone and I feel drained from hanging out

with people. But when I'm out being social, like I can enjoy myself sometimes and I can be outgoing

and whatever. So I've always been very confused by it. So I took a test and apparently I'm something

called an ambivert, which means I am not an introvert or an extrovert. I experience both,

which I would say is pretty accurate. But the test I took also said that I'm leaning more towards

being introverted, which was also what I expected. So that could kind of explain

why I dislike a lot of people because for the most part I'm introverted.

After doing that research and sort of having an understanding of why I might be disliking people

and why we as humans dislike people in general, I started to look into the morality of disliking

people. Is it morally wrong to dislike people? And what was really interesting was I did not

find a lot of answers. I did not find a lot of answers. I did not find a lot of articles

about this topic, but I did find one by the Harvard Crimson. Here are the key takeaways

from the article. The article was actually in support of disliking people and even hating

people, which kind of blew my mind. I was like, wow, this is a really reputable website, I feel.

I mean, this article is by the Harvard Crimson, which is like, I guess, Harvard,

the very prestigious college's daily newsletter. Listen, I mean, technically it was an opinion

piece, so we'll take with that what we will, but this article was in support of disliking people

and even hating people, so that was shocking. This person writes that there are three main

reasons to dislike or even hate. Number one, to demonstrate moral awareness.

Two, to make life more interesting. And number three, people actually deserve it sometimes.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. A lot of times, disliking people and sharing that

dislike with maybe your close friends or family sort of shows what you don't align with in a

person. I also do think disliking people is interesting. It would be boring to like everyone.

It would be so boring. Like, what would be the point of having friends? How would you even figure

out who your friends are if you just kind of liked everyone? It's what separates one person to the

next. In order to like and even love someone, you need to know what it feels like to dislike and

even hate someone, right? It also is a topic of conversation that can be interesting. You know,

when you dislike somebody, you might call your best friend and analyze their personality for

an hour and not feel bored for a second. I can't tell you how often I do that. I do that all the

time. You know what I'm saying? It does make life kind of interesting. And also, it is true that

sometimes people do deserve to not be liked. I mean, I probably deserve to not be liked at times.

It's fair for people to not like me. It sucks. I prefer it not to happen. I do what I can to avoid

it. But some people might find me annoying. Actually, no, I'm not going to say some people

might. Some people do find me annoying. Some people might have met me on a bad day when I

was maybe in a cold mood or I was upset and I was withdrawn and I didn't want to be social.

Like, you know, there are valid reasons out there for people to not like me, and that's okay.

But also, there are other people out there who maybe somewhat deserve to not be liked either.

Like, I think it's fair. I think it is fair to an extent, I guess.

In this article, I also read that disliking people is sort of a sign that you're observant.

I also think that that's kind of true. I mean, if you don't see red flags in anyone,

you don't pick up on bad energy in anyone, you're sort of down to hang with whoever,

that's not necessarily the worst way to live your life, right? But there is a good chance that

you're going to get burned at some point because you might be missing something. Because the truth

is, not everyone is great. If you don't have this sort of guttural feeling of dislike for people,

sometimes, then what's going to sort of stop you from spending time with someone

who maybe is bad news? Do you know what I'm saying? It's like, in order to protect yourself

from spending time with people who don't deserve it, even if it's just for a vague reason,

it's like you almost have to feel dislike in order to protect yourself in a way.

It's sort of a protection mechanism that only works if you're observant.

And so, that seemed fair to me too. That made a lot of sense to me too.

This article also talked about how it's important to have people in your life that you dislike

because it sets up contrasts with those who we really love and respect. As I mentioned earlier,

it's almost like you can't experience love and respect without feeling

dislike and hatred somewhere else in your life. If you just loved and respected everyone,

then it wouldn't be special when you felt love and respect. Those feelings have to be earned.

And there's no sense of earning it if everyone gets that from you.

So, that was also kind of interesting.

The last point from this article basically just explains how it's better to hate privately,

smile tolerantly in public, give fake hellos, keep your dislike inside. And if you're able to

do it that way, this article argues that it's healthy, harmless, and a whole lot of fun, which

is like a crazy thing to say. I mean, listen, this was an opinion piece. This is someone else's

opinion. But it resonated with me because everything that was stated made me feel good

about my dislike for people and sort of made me feel like it wasn't wrong. And that's a relief to

me because I've never really been able to turn it off. But yet I felt this sort of guilt about it

that kind of came from nowhere. I mean, as I mentioned earlier, I think it's sort of from this

narrative that we hear floating around growing up about how we're supposed to love everybody.

And, you know, some kids probably don't take that too literally. Other kids do. And I think

maybe I was one of the kids that just took it too literally and was like, well, God, am I bad if I

don't like someone? And that sort of just stuck with me for years. And this was the specific

article that resonated with me the most. But if you just Google, is it wrong to dislike people?

The recommended result says it's absolutely normal to dislike people or have negative feelings about

Disliking, spending time with others, or just generally preferring to be alone

can be signs of personality traits like introversion. However, feelings of constant,

pervasive, and intense hatred for others may be a sign of something more serious.

If your hatred is causing distress, leading to isolation, and negatively affecting your mental

well-being, it's important to take a closer look at the causes and consider talking to a mental

health professional. Yeah, thank you verywellmind.com because that was very well put for me.

I think that this really brings this conversation to a conclusion here. I mean, I think it is morally

okay to dislike people. I think it's human to dislike people. And I think in a lot of ways,

it's incredibly necessary. I don't think it's possible to not dislike people. And I don't think

that's even something that needs to be strived for. As long as you're treating others with kindness

and respect and as much empathy as you possibly can, dislike them all you want. That's kind of

the conclusion I'm coming to. I think it's when your dislike is causing pain to yourself or others

that it becomes an issue. You know, if your mind is tortured by negative thoughts towards people,

yeah, that's a sign that something's off balance. That's a sign that there's something deeper going

on that needs to be resolved. But just innocently disliking people here and there, I don't think

it's a problem. And you know what? That is exciting to me because this has bothered me for a long

time now, this question of whether or not it was wrong. And my conclusion today is that it's not.

And so what I'm thrilled about is my new life, disliking people in peace for once.

Because I've been disliking people and then feeling guilty about it for years.

And I've been disliking people and feeling like I'm the problem for years. When, yeah,

there are maybe times when I am the problem because somebody makes me jealous or somebody

makes me feel competitive or somebody intimidates me, even though they don't mean to, in a way that

makes me feel like I can't be myself. Or maybe somebody catches me at the wrong time and I'm

socially drained and need to go recharge by myself. There are going to be times when I'm

the reason why I dislike someone. But I'm always going to handle it with kindness.

Well, as much as I can. And I'm always going to give people a second chance when I think they

deserve it. But I'm not going to invalidate my feelings anymore. You know, I'm going to let

myself dislike people. Now, hatred is a whole other story. Maybe we'll discuss hatred another

day. But that's a topic for a whole other day. Well, I need to go dislike people out in the

world now. So that's what I'm going to go do. I'm excited. I don't know who's next, who my next

victim is. They won't know it. They won't know how I feel. But inside, I will know. I'm kidding.

Well, I'm actually I am kidding because I'm not. I'm kind of hoping I don't have any sort of social

interaction for the next 48 hours. And I think that that's actually going to happen for me. So

I'm actually looking forward to that instead. But anyway, thank you all for listening and hanging

out. As always, let me know what you thought of this topic. You can tweet me at AG podcast or

send me a message on Instagram at anything goes. Or you can message me at Emma Chamberlain if you

want. You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. Use code AG15 for a little

discount on chamberlaincoffee.com. You can tune in to new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday

and Sunday where I talk about more stuff. And as much as I just talked about how I dislike everyone,

I do really love and appreciate all of you. I mean, listen, there's a chance that we might meet

each other and dislike each other. There's a chance you might meet me in person and be like,

oh, her energy sucks. I actually dislike her. And you know what? That's okay. But as far as I know,

I really do love and appreciate all of you. And I can't thank you enough for listening

and tuning in. Until next time, have a beautiful day and keep being awesome. I'll talk to you later.

Bye.