my toxic traits, a talk with emma

There are also different types of toxic, like some people are more toxic to themselves, other people are more toxic to the people around them. It's neither here nor there. Everyone is a little bit toxic, and I think to deny that everyone's a little toxic is to create a problem.

Because if you choose to turn a blind eye to the ways that you're toxic and to the ways that other people are toxic, people you love. Maybe, how are you able to improve and grow all of this? To say? I've decided to make a list of all the ways that I'm currently toxic. And today, I'm going to be sharing them with you because I think that this will be beneficial for me. And maybe it'll make you feel better about looking inward and figuring out the ways that you're toxic. Because there's nothing wrong with it, there's nothing wrong with it.

It's very easy to be avoidant when it comes to our own toxic traits, because a lot of times people don't confront us about them. A lot of times, we can blame our toxic traits on other people or various things in our lives. Sometimes, our toxic traits only impact us, so no one else even knows about these toxic traits. And the only one who can confront us is us.

There's a lot of reasons why it's challenging to address our toxic traits, but it's so healthy and it's so crucial, and it's so good. And so today I'm going to be going through my toxic traits. Some of them are worse than others, okay, some of them are really no big deal. And some of them are far worse and far more harmful for me, or maybe even for others.

But I'm going to lay it all out for you today. And I'm also going to brainstorm some ways that I can fix these toxic traits. Because what's the point of listing them without brainstorming a solution that sounds toxic, actually? that in itself is toxic?

To start, I think my most toxic trait is that I love love gossip, I love gossip, I love drama, I fucking love it. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry to myself, I'm sorry to everyone around me. I'm sorry to you listening, I'm sorry.

I feel horrible. I love it. And I've talked about this a little bit before. Because I do think that to an extent, gossip and drama can help teach you something. For example, I'll call my mom up and just start talking shit about someone. And a lot of times, through discussing it and through analyzing the person and the situation, I end up further developing my own personality in a way.

Like, Oh, you know what? I really don't ever want to be like that. When it comes to drama, usually someone did something wrong, okay, and again, discussing drama can help you. I don't know, sort of figure out what you don't want to do with your life. I don't think that gossip and drama is always bad.

However, I think that I love it a little bit too much. Okay, like, for example, I have a really hard time not watching drama videos on YouTube about just pop culture drama. I have a very hard time not watching stuff like that. And you might be thinking, Emma, it's fine, you can watch that.

What's wrong with that? You are what you consume. Okay, and when I'm consuming all these drama videos, I'm a fucking emotional wreck. I'm anxious, I'm scared, I'm depressed. It does not leave my brain in a good place.

And on top of that, I'm filling my brain with pointless information. Pop culture drama absolutely benefits me. zero. okay, I benefit in no way. But, alas, if it was up to me, that's all I'd watch. It scratches an itch.

It's interesting, it's a distraction, and there's also something comforting about. I don't know. And this is so fucked up and I hate to admit this. But we're really having an open day today, we're really getting shit off our chest today, so here I go. But I think that there is something sort of comforting about seeing drama happening with other people, because it makes me feel like my life is less bad.

And I don't like that, I don't like the idea of me in any way, shape or form, small or big. Sort of finding comfort in other people's drama. That's not good vibes, that's really bad vibes, so it's negative for me in that way.

But I also think, too, that socially, I do love, I love when somebody gives me a little piece of gossip, you know, I love it. I look forward to it. And listen, I gossip responsibly, I gossip responsibly majority of the time.

I have moments where I fuck up, particularly when I'm under the influence of alcohol. Wow, suddenly anything's possible. No conversations are off the table. like suddenly here, Emma is, she's ready to talk about whatever.

And gossip could be a part of that. I tend to be responsible, keeping it to my close friends and close family, which is arguably safe. And I don't know, inconsequential. But I think what's toxic about it is that sometimes I fall into rhythms where I'm like, this is taking up too much of my conversation with others. It's not like that all the time, but sometimes I fall into rhythms like that.

And I think we all do. There are very few people on this planet who don't gossip at all, who don't fall into that rhythm. I need to find something that I love more. The only problem is gossip. Like, there's something about it that's so satisfying and so fascinating to me that I don't know what could stimulate me as much.

And that's not good. Okay, I'd love to say, Oh, I love talking about art. that stimulates me equally as much as gossip or drama. It doesn't.

It doesn't okay, I'm going to be honest. I love talking about music, art, all of these soul enriching things. I do love that.

But there's something about a little gossip sesh that just gets me, and I wish that I didn't like it as much as I do. Maybe it's just human to gossip in these ways, and maybe it's not as toxic as I feel it is. But there's a level of guilt that I have about it.

And it's one of my most toxic traits, like in an ideal world, I would never gossip at all, right? That's the type of person I wish I was. Maybe that's not even possible, and maybe that's not even healthy.

I'm not sure, but I guess my relationship to gossiping and drama is what's unhealthy. And so I need to figure that out. And I don't exactly know what I'm going to do. It might be finding something that mentally stimulates me just as much.

That's maybe more positive in some way, and I can lean on that in conversation with my close family and friends or whatever, or when I'm drunk with whoever. Yeah, fuck.

I don't know, I need to make this clear, though. I don't like stirring up drama like I'm not somebody who's like spreading rumors or like, or at least not intentionally.

I never intentionally want to create drama, I don't want to be a part of it at all. I like to be 400 miles away from the drama. I don't like to be in it, I don't like to start it.

I don't like to create it, I don't like any of that, I hate that, I hate that, I hate that.

But I love to hear about it from an arm's distance length. Almost as though it's like a reality show, you know, it's like I'm watching a reality show. It's like nobody wants to be in the real Housewives of Beverly Hills, okay?

Maybe some people, but not a lot. Most people just like to watch it and live vicariously from a safe distance. Like you're in the drama, you're emotionally involved and you're stimulated by it, but there's no stakes because you're not involved at all. You know any who?

Maybe it's limiting the amount of gossiping I do and figuring out what that limit is. Maybe it's not watching drama videos, except for on weekends, maybe it's not watching them at all. I don't really know, but I will let you know how I fix my relationship with gossip and drama. My next toxic trait is that I love connecting with people, telling stories, being open and vulnerable and warm.

Like, that's how I connect with people is by telling stories and trying to be a comforting energy. To break down the walls of others. So that everyone feels comfortable and happy and we can have fun. The only problem is is that I've found that at times I can take it too far again, mainly when I'm drunk. And I can sort of use myself as like a punching bag. And like, tell stories that I actually don't really want to share for the sake of making someone else feel comfortable. I will not necessarily even overshare, but share a story. Like, almost exploit myself in a way like I'll exploit myself in my life in various stories as to make others feel comfortable. And at times, not always, but at times, I'll take it too far and then later feel like I exploited myself. As though I'm two different people and I me in conversation, trying to disarm people and make people feel comfortable, I then exploit my past self and then maybe a few hours after the conversation. I regret doing that and I feel like I kind of exposed myself a little too much and now I feel uncomfortable. But it was my doing, that was my fault.

And the other person doesn't feel uncomfortable with it. Like they were happy to have heard this story, they were intrigued by this story, like, whatever. But then, in retrospect, I'm like, I didn't want to talk about that, actually, why did I do that? They never asked me to talk about it, but I just exposed myself for the sake of their comfort. And they didn't even need that, they didn't even ask for that.

And that's something I need to work on. I think I just need to catch myself in the moment when I'm about to tell a story that's somewhat personal. I need to be like, Wait a minute, does this feel right? Why am I doing this? Why am I telling this story? am I telling this story?

Because I genuinely am excited to share it and I think this person will enjoy it and I think that they'll connect to it in some way. Okay, great, all good, let's share it. Green light.

But I have a feeling if I start doing a quick mental check before I tell a story, I might stop myself sometimes. But I don't really do that right now. I look at my life and my experiences as just like a wide open book. And I think at times, that can leave me feeling as though I exploited myself. And so I need to work on that, but hopefully everyone else enjoys it.

Next toxic trait? I have a really hard time getting rid of clothing. Okay, about two weeks ago, I went through my closet and tried everything on and got rid of so much stuff. A lot of it I've had since I was like a teenager, like 18 19 stuff that I have not worn in years.

Stuff that doesn't even fit me anymore, way too small, just collecting dust in my closet. Because I was like, Oh, but I don't know, like, even though those jeans don't fit me anymore. They're so cute and like, I'll never fit them again. And I know that, but it's like, they're so cute that it's like, I can't get rid of them.

They're like a collector's item. It's like, No, they're not a collector's item. Emma, They're just jeans. They're literally just jeans. Yeah, they're cute, but like, donate them and someone else will enjoy them.

What the fuck are you doing? I also was keeping stuff that, like, was my style from when I was a teenager and I'm an adult now. And I was keeping it. Because I was like, Oh, but this is so nostalgic, like, I don't know, maybe I'll want to wear it again, or maybe it'll come back in this style or whatever. All this, all these excuses I have for every single piece in my closet that I did not need or couldn't wear or wouldn't wear, I had some sort of stupid excuse.

But meanwhile, my crowded closet was preventing me from getting dressed every morning in a way that was convenient and easy. I would end up pulling out a pair of jeans and I'd put them on and they're too small. And then I am looking through all my tops, trying to find one that I like. And all of them are from when I was, like, a teenager and I don't like any of them anymore. And I'm trying to find the things that are my style now that I've purchased more recently, can't find them because they're drowning in stuff that I wore when I was 18..

It's like, No, I'm not going to wear the Argyle sweater vest from 2018, now, that's not my style. Now, why do I still have it? The whole point of having a collection of clothing is that you can go in and play and have fun getting dressed in the morning, that's the whole point.

But I couldn't even do that because I had all this shit that was no longer my style. That was just collecting dust in my closet because I, for some reason, couldn't let go of it. And I end up getting to that point like once a year, I feel like where I have to scale down again and again and again. And it's because I've never gone back in and really been harsh with it to the level that I need to be. There's shit in there that does not need to be in there still every time.

Like, I know in my gut, I need to get rid of it because I'm never going to wear it again. But there's something inside of me saying, No, this is special, you need to keep this. My relationship to my clothing collection is arguably my only toxic relationship to material things.

I'm not as emotionally attached to anything else, I have no issue getting rid of other stuff. There's something about clothes, though, where I'm very emotional with clothes and so I tend to hoard them, which then makes the process of enjoying fashion harder for me. Because I feel cluttered and I can't find anything that matches my current style, so it's a mess.

I think the way I'm going to fix that is by eventually really getting rid of all the stuff that I can no longer fit in. Or aren't comfortable. To a point where I don't ever wear it or isn't my style anymore because I bought it when I was a teenager, etc. I need to really get rid of all of that stuff for once and for all, stop making excuses, get down to zero with that, and then everything's going to really look up from there.

But also, I've been playing around with the idea of wearing a uniform every day. I'm still on the fence. I really want to do it, but I also am afraid because I do love using clothing as a way to express myself. I waste a lot of time doing it and arguably it's not time well spent because it doesn't lead me to my ultimate goals in life.

I guess I don't know if I had a uniform, though I would never have to worry about that clutter again. I don't know this is a stupid issue, but bouncing off of that toxic trait, my next toxic trait, sort of relates. Because it's also regarding clothes, I need every outfit to match perfectly, including my pajamas.

Right now, you'd look at what I'm wearing as I'm recording this, and you'd be like, Emma, this is not an outfit. Who cares if it matches. I'm wearing orange pajama shorts that I wear every single day. They're my favorite pajama shorts. They're the only pajama shorts that I wear.

They're like, rusty orange, and then I'm wearing a t-shirt, vintage t-shirt, super soft, super thin, and I'm wearing white socks. You would look at this outfit and you'd be like, that's pajamas, there's.

No, I'm so sorry. It matches. I have two pairs of slippers because I'm also, well, I'm not wearing slippers right now, but they're next to me. Like I was wearing them before I started recording. My entire outfit matches. My socks are white.

My shirt is white with the design on it. The design on my shirt has quite a few colors. There's like brown, green, rust, black, gray, blue, and then it's a white t-shirt as the base, the white socks match the white shirt. There's rust on my shirt, which brings out the rust in my fucking pajama shorts, okay?

And my slippers are gray, because the gray looks better with this shirt than the black slippers. Like, I'm not kidding, it's ridiculous. When I go to a workout, I have to wear all black. That's where I'm at right now.

Black shorts, black sports bra, black long sleeve, black puffer jacket, white sock. Which kind of throws me off because there's no white anywhere else. So it just feels like it's sticking out like a sore thumb. But you know what, something's got to give, right? And then I'm wearing my black slippers and then I'll change into my workout shoes later, but it's all a vibe.

Black sunglasses, it all matches now. That's like, in mundane ways, I'm obsessed with making sure that my outfit always matches. But it goes far beyond that, to a point that is toxic. I'd argue, because it makes it so hard for me to get dressed in the morning, and it also prevents me from experimenting with fashion.

Sometimes because I'm so obsessed with things matching and being balanced color-wise that I end up not taking certain risks. Okay, every color must be pulled in in some way. You know, every once in a while I'll do a pop of color, but I'm not going to do a pop of color unless it feels right. I don't even know how to explain it because it's almost like this little toxic game I have going on in my head. That's so abstract that I can't even explain it.

It's one of those things where I look in the mirror and it just has to feel right. And I have certain rules about certain colors that I don't like going together, and I even get particular about the shade. Let's say I'm wearing an all-black outfit, if the black pants are slightly more black than the black shirt that I'm wearing. I'll freak out and I'll be like, I have to change.

I'm telling you this is toxic. Okay, this is actually toxic. I'm admitting it to you. I'm also a freak about the hardware of what I'm wearing. All of my earrings must be—if I'm wearing gold with my outfit, every single detail must be gold.

The zipper on my jacket must be gold, my earrings must be gold, the hardware on my shoes must be gold. If I'm wearing gold that day, everything has to be gold. If I'm wearing silver one day, everything has to be silver.

The zipper on my bag. —and the problem with this is that it's like I pigeonhole my style in a way, because it's like I can only. —There's only certain things I can wear with other things. It's obsessive in a weird way. Part of me feels like it's just my style, that is just my style. I like things to match really well and that's whatever. But that's also a reason why I kind of want to wear a uniform. Because I'm like, if I can find a black pair of pants and a black sweater that match perfectly, and a black shoe and a black bag. And I can wear it. And it all has silver hardware and I can just wear silver all the time, then there's a uniform and I never have to deal with matching an outfit.

I take it too seriously. It's just not that deep. We're getting dressed for fuck's sake, we're going to a workout class for fuck's sake. It's like no one cares, but for some odd, toxic reason, I care, and it absolutely tortures me.

And that sort of leads me to my next toxic trait. Also in regards to my outfit, I cannot leave the house unless my outfit feels perfect for the occasion. If I feel overdressed, like if I pick out an outfit and then I suddenly have the epiphany that I'm overdressed. I could be an hour and a half late and I'll be like, which? By the way, I'm never late. I'm so anal about being early or on time that it tortures me, which is also kind of a toxic trait. Because, yeah, it sounds good.

Me like complimenting myself, me being like, I'm always on time. It's so toxic, it's so annoying, no, but it's toxic. How much anxiety like I'll have a panic attack if I'm late.

That's stupid. It's like, I'm a human being, like, we're all human beings. If we're a little late, sometimes it's fucking fine, like, I don't need to get a full panic attack about it.

My heart doesn't need to be beating because I'm 15 minutes late. That's toxic for me, that makes my life miserable. Anywho. But that's not even on the list, I guess. Now we just added something new.

What a treat. But yeah, if I'm late, but I decide, Oh wait, my outfit is I feel like I'm overdressed. Actually, this is too much. I'll have to start from scratch and start over. Or if, for some reason, my clothes, like, don't feel comfortable enough, like I'm so particular about my clothes feeling comfortable on me.

And the reason for that is because I don't feel like I'm able to fully be myself and be present and just enjoy the moment. If my clothes are uncomfortable, so let's say I'm on my period and my favorite pair of jeans are like, too tight. They might look normal, but they feel bad and I can't leave the house wearing pants like that. Because that's all I'm going to be thinking about all night. And there are some people I know who, for some reason, just have mental strength in that capacity.

They can go out wearing uncomfortable high heels, they can have blisters, their feet are all ripped up, and you'd never know it. They are sharp as ever, funny as ever, themselves as ever. I admire that.

I'm not like that, I'm just not. I think leaving the house in an outfit for me is so challenging because I'm like, I'm balancing all of these different preferences. That are so strong that it's hard for me to get dressed and leave the house. You know, because I'm trying to make sure that the colors are all balanced, but I'm also trying to make sure that everything fits comfortably. So that I'm not going to be thinking about that and then I'm also making sure I'm not overdressed or underdressed, because I always overthink that.

I don't know. It's like there's so much to balance there that it's a nightmare. All of this is making me think I just need to start dressing in a uniform for fuck's sake. I need to set myself free from that.

And maybe if I dressed in a uniform for like, a year and just wore the same, like two or three outfits every day, I would sort of learn to release all of these, I don't know, like, really strong preferences that end up being toxic in one way or another. But again, making that jump is scary for somebody who likes fashion, so it's we'll see, we shall see, okay, next.

This is so cringe like I, but this, actually, this toxic trait is the one that made me want to make this episode. Because, okay, let me explain, everyone has a good side. Well, some people don't.

And those people are so lucky.

Most people have a good side, they have a side of their face that they prefer. For me, it's a little bit more extreme. Okay, I love the right side of my face. I feel confident with the right side of my face.

I've grown to love the right side of my face, the left side of my face, however, I have not come to love yet. In the future, I would love to, okay, that's a goal for me. I'm so insecure of the left side of my face that I've gotten to a point. And maybe this is also as a result of working in this industry and becoming hyper aware of my appearance.

Because, you know, I'm on camera a lot and so I see myself a lot and I see the imperfections. And, for fuck's sake, cameras emphasize imperfections more than you could even know. But anyway, no, you do know you actually. We all know, we all take photos of ourselves all the time on. Like, whether you're in front of the camera a lot or not, you're at least in front of the camera sometimes. Because we all are in today's day and age.

Cameras can really, like, emphasize our insecurities, and I'm very insecure about the left side of my face. It really bothers me and I have this. This is so embarrassing. Oh my god, this is fucking toxic. I try to sit on the left side of people at a dinner or in any scenario, so that everyone's looking at the right side of my face. Like, when I'm sitting passenger seat in the car with someone, I'm like, anxious about them looking at the left side of my face. This is so toxic and so unfair to myself, and it is horrific, like it's a horrific thing, and it's so fucking stupid and it's so vain.

It's like, no one cares that the left side of your face looks different than the right side. No one, like, I don't think it looks as good, no one else cares. It's so vain. And I do think it developed from from being in this industry. And you know, what's funny, too? Oh my god. The craziest part is that I used to like the left side of my face better.

That used to be my good side. How fucking ironic is that I used to hate the right side of my face? And then it switched one day. And I now I like the right side and I hate the left side. It's just ridiculous, it's it's all in my head and I know that I need to rise above it.

However, it's been harder than like. I accept it, like if someone's sitting on my left side, I'm not going to like, freak out, but I'm self-conscious.

I don't know how I'm going to get over it. You know, there are certain insecurities that are more consuming and like a deep seeded, that are harder to shake. You know, and living in a time, too, where you know there are so many things available. Like, if you don't like something about your face, you can go and fix it. I don't know.

It's like it's even harder to accept oneself in today's day and age. Because you can go and fix it. But I don't want to go fix the left side of my face. There's nothing to fix, it's the left side of my face. There's differences about it.

Like, my nose kind of looks weird from the side, like my left lip. The left side of my lip is a bit smaller than the right side. And I also have like a deep wrinkle. I don't know, it's so weird.

Okay, whatever, but it's like, could I go and get that fixed? Could I go get like a little bit of filler in the left side of my lip? could I go get botox on? Like the left side of my face, where I have like a deeper sort of smile line.

Yeah, probably this is so toxic, but I'm sharing it because I think we all have shit like this. I also tend to be worse about this with guys that I'm dating, so like, guys that I'm dating are always very aware of this with me.

Like, they know that, like they need to sit on my on my right side, and they hate that about me. But I like, it's not, that's not charming, that's not cute.

That's not making them like me anymore. I'll tell you that it's doing a lot, and it's not doing that, it's just it's so fucked up.

It's so embarrassing, but I'm going to figure it out. I'm not super tapped in on how I'm going to fix that one, but I'll figure it out okay, next. I give a lot of advice, a lot of friends come to me for advice.

I give advice on this podcast. Obviously I'm not a professional advice giver, but I think I have pretty good advice. I mean, I don't think like my advice is perfect. no one's advice is perfect. I do think that I have decent enough advice.

Okay, and I am someone who people seek out for advice in in my personal life, you know? I'm not sure why that is, or, like, how, how this came to be a thing. I can be a hypocrite, though, because I know what's right, okay?

I'm good at giving advice, people come to me for advice, I know how to handle a lot of situations in the right way. I think, you know, I mean, not every way. Trust me, I don't have it all figured out.

I don't want, don't get it twisted, but I feel like a lot of times I know the truth. Like, I know, if I were to have a clone, and my clone were to come to me with a problem, I would know exactly what to say. But following my own advice is something I can't always do, which makes me feel hypocritical and toxic. Because it's like, I can spew advice all day long. And honestly, give people advice that I think is good. And if they were to follow it, I think they would be successful.

But I don't always even follow it. And I don't know if that's hypocritical, because I think now I think it is in a way, it feels hypocritical to me. Okay, like, for example, let's say someone's feeling really down in the dumps, like they're just feeling off, they're feeling like shit.

They're feeling like they're in a rut and they're like, like, I just can't figure out like, what's wrong? And I'm like, Okay, well, how much are you using your phone? Like, are you on social media? A lot? And if they're like, Yeah, I've been, I'm like doom scrolling all day long.

I'm like, that's what it is, remove that and holy shit, you're going to feel so much better. Meanwhile, I fall into periods of time where that exact thing happens to me and in my head. I know if I just stopped doom scrolling and I get off the phone and I tap out, I'm going to feel so much better.

But sometimes I don't have the willpower to take my own advice, even when I know what would make me feel better. Another example would be, Let's say, someone comes to me and says, Emma, like, I really need to have this conversation with my significant other. We're having a little issue, should I bring it up or should I just like, let it go? Because, you know, my answer is always going to be communicate about it.

But sometimes if I'm in a relationship, I am a coward and I will not bring shit up and I will let it fester. Listen, am I on the path to following all of my own advice? Yes, is it human to fuck up? Yeah, sure.

But it just feels wrong. It's like, should I be giving advice that I can't even follow? I don't know. I mean, I guess it is still sort of beneficial because it's planting a seed that's positive, hopefully.

But yeah, I'm not perfect at following my own advice and I think that I should talk about that more when I give advice. I think I do that to an extent, but I think I could do it more because I also think that makes it less toxic. If you're like, here's my advice.

This is what I know makes it feel better, however, I can't always do it, so if you can't, I totally understand next I. This is so embarrassing, too, okay?

So I have a hard time drinking water, like I've been chronically dehydrated for probably my whole life, and what's made me drink more water is my water setup. Which this is the most cringe shit you're ever going to hear in your life, so just brace yourself.

It's not that cringe, I don't know. You can be the judge. I always have to have some sort of insulated water bottle right now.

It's the Stanley Cup, because when my water is really cold, this is so cringe and so fucking stupid. When my water is cold, I just drink more of it because it tastes better to me. And when you have an insulated cup, the ice staying frozen, whatever, you know, the drill, but here's where it gets embarrassing. So I buy these electrolytes. The brand is Ultima, the Raspberry flavor.

I almost exclusively drink water with this electrolyte powder in it because I think it tastes so good. And I looked into it because I was like, Oh my God, can you drink too much of this? and can it be unhealthy? This particular brand? I mean, yeah, you don't want to overdo it, but you can. You can have like two or three servings of it a day and you're good, but I like my little raspberry water.

Okay, so, like all day, I'm drinking water with this raspberry powder in it, and it makes me drink so much more water. And here's what's toxic about it. I'm a fucking adult, okay?

I'm a 22 year old. Why do I need raspberry powder in my water? For me to drink more water, like I should just be drinking more water like a fucking adult. And it shouldn't matter what cup it's coming out of, and it shouldn't matter if it's cold. Like, it's like, stop, like. It's just cringe and weird. That I'm so picky about my water and that I have such a specific water routine and that's how I can get water in.

Okay, well, whatever, anyway, I'm embarrassed about that and I think it's toxic. Okay, this next one's actually kind of toxic.

I can get a little bit upset sometimes, this is not all the time, but in certain scenarios, I can get angry a little bit when people copy me. Now, there are a lot of scenarios when I take it as as flattery, like mature, honestly, majority of the time, it's flattering.

However, sometimes it can really bother me, and I think when it can bother me is when. Maybe someone else is getting credit for something that I did or came up with, or whatever. Or they copy me too close and it's like, Okay, this is just crazy, like this is like, too close, I guess, and it's not like random people like, obviously, you know, there's a whole sort of conversation happening online right now about copying. Because, you know, a lot of people who are public figures will will do things right.

Share them with the world and then get angry when people copy them and it's like, hello, you put that out there for everyone to see. Of course, they're going to copy you, like you're choosing to share something that you did. If people copy you, that's. That's not what I'm talking about, like.

I think when it bothers me is when maybe someone does it, and okay, I think there's a few scenarios when it bothers me. Number one, when someone copies me who isn't supportive of me, that can sort of bother me. Also, maybe if someone copies me, who's like a peer of mine. So it's like, Dude, that's a little too close.

That feels kind of weird to me, maybe that can bother me and it can kind of make me angry. And I will combat that with like a level of flattery and and just try to be flattered by it, but it can bother me. And you know, I don't think copying it is is is inherently bad, like I copy or mimic people that I admire. But what I try to do is like, be open about it, I guess. Or if like, if I got it from somewhere and like I, I always will try to. I don't know, I'm unapologetic about it.

Like, I'm not going to deny it, I'll never deny it if I got the idea from somewhere. But people might get mad if I copy them or, like, took inspo from them. Like, I bet there's people who get mad at me for that. I maybe, I don't know, so it's. It probably goes both ways, but I do think it's toxic, that sometimes it kind of rubs me the wrong way.

Like, I really shouldn't, why do I care? Like, I should just take it as a compliment and fucking move on? Who cares what other people are doing? If somebody likes something that I did and wants to do it too, that's great.

I guess it just bothers me when they're not on my team, when I can, like when they're not on my team, or when they're like a peer. It's mainly within my peers. I think it's like, if you're my peer and you're not, maybe supportive of me, but then you're copying me. And like, denying it. Like, that really bothers me and can trigger me. And again, I just think it's toxic because I should just let it go like it's. I don't own anything, no one owns anything, and I won't be giving examples.

Okay, next toxic trait. Before I poop in the morning, I am unable to exist normally at all. I can't get dressed, I mean, sometimes I have to, but like, I won't want to get dressed like I, I can't talk to anyone.

Like, most people are like, don't talk to me before my coffee. If I've already pooped, fucking talk to me. I don't need to have had my coffee yet. For me, it's don't talk to me till I've pooped.

I don't, which is so cringe. Okay, this is like, my God, I need to make a fucking t-shirt with this on it. Don't talk to me. Before I pooped, absolutely, a banger would wow, that would just that would just absolutely do so.

Well, on etsy, but I, I'm just not functioning before. I've pooped and I have a very consistent routine every morning, immediately upon waking. So imagine it's like, that's my body's routine. So anytime I deviate from that, I'm a wreck.

I'm an absolute wreck and I'm not fun to be around. I'm not funny, I can't be funny, I can't be charismatic. I can fake it as much as I can, but it's not, it's not convincing.

It's all I can think about, like, I can't think about anything else because I can, like, feel it, and I'm like, when is it going to happen? I had to mention it because it's true. It's toxic to be like, so, like, like, to be living by my poop schedule. It's like, this is ridiculous.

I just need to become a bit more mentally strong so that it's similar to, like, wearing clothes that are uncomfortable. That shouldn't impact me as much as it does. It's the same sort of feeling of discomfort, right whenever I'm in some sort of bodily discomfort. Weirdly, like, if I broke my foot right now, I don't even know if I would cry.

Like, I've broken bones before and not cried. I have a high pain tolerance for like, extreme pain, but for like, subtle, minor pain or minor discomfort, that bothers me more. Weirdly, so weird, like recently when I got a little procedure. I told a story about this on my episode called My Vagina Lol. If you want to go listen to that me just talking about my vagina for an hour.

So that's great. Things are really looking up for me and my podcasting career. I'm making whole episodes about my vagina, so enjoy that. But like, when I got that surgery, like I or not surgery, well, it was kind of a surgery.

It's a minor surgery, but they like, numbed me and then cut out a piece of my vagina. Go listen to that anyway. That hurts so bad, especially the numbing part, like when they were numbing it. Holy fuck. It was so painful, but weirdly, managing that pain in the moment was almost easier for me than going a whole night. Like wearing an uncomfortable pair of pants, or like going all day without pooping.

Like, I'd rather deal with that really bad, extreme pain than that subtle pain. That's just me, that's just who I am. But it is weird that I'm so stunted when I can't poop, so that's that.

Okay, next, I'm definitely toxic about my social media use. I've talked about this a lot, but I'm so addicted to watching Instagram reels and YouTube shorts, YouTube shorts, too. Because I don't have TikTok, I deleted the app years ago, like two years ago, and I'm happy I did.

No regrets there. Sometimes I regret it in a way, though, because I'm like, Ah, it could be fun to make a TikTok, but then it's like, Ah. But there's such an addicting, toxic platform for me, like for me personally, that I just don't think it's good. But then again, is it any better to be scrolling through Instagram reels or YouTube shorts? I don't know.

I don't think it's any better, it's equally as addicting, maybe a little less, but still addicting. It tends to be the worst when I'm really exhausted, if maybe I had a busy week or something. Any minute that I have off, I'm not using it to read a book, I'm not using it to, I don't know. Get a little bit more work done.

Why not? No, no, I'm on reels, I'm on YouTube shorts and it's wasting so much of my time. And it's so pointless and it's so stupid. And it's like rotting my brain, and I feel my brain rotting when I'm doing it.

And I feel so much guilt about it. But I'm in such a bad routine with it. And this is just constantly like, it's a constant battle, trying to not be addicted to it. And yet I just have never figured it out, and I've never gotten into a routine that sticks with it. Although I know that it has a bad impact on my brain, it makes me feel anxious.

It makes me feel depressed, it triggers all of my negative mental health issues. it like, makes all of it worse, but I cannot stop. That is toxic. Meanwhile, I love telling people like, Oh my God, get off the internet, live in the real world, people.

It makes you feel better. And meanwhile, it's like, I really try to take that advice, and I do as much as I can. But it leads back to me not following my own advice. Sometimes, I really don't follow my own advice. There a lot on top of that, I love stalking people on social media.

I love just going down little rabbit holes and stalking people. I love it. I mean, we all do it. It's like, Oh, you know what, what's that person from high school doing?

Oh, wait, what's that person doing that I met once? Oh yeah, I met them once. what are they doing right now? I love doing that.

I just waste so much time doing this pointless shit and that to me is toxic. Because I also know better, I actively know better, and I don't have enough willpower to stop it. A lot of the times. And I'm just wasting a lot of time entertaining myself with things that are ultimately not beneficial and arguably harmful for me. So speaking of the internet, also, I put myself out there on the internet. I'm a public figure, I choose to put myself out there on the internet.

There are so many things about it that are so incredible, and that's why I do it, because there's so many incredible things. However, I go through phases where mean comments do bother me, and not only do I choose to read them, but I choose to let them hurt my feelings. I've learned to turn a blind eye to some because it's like, I just can't handle it mentally, I know myself, and I just can't handle it mentally. But I guess there's something sort of toxic about me. Knowing that I'm a really sensitive person and I am not the best at handling just mean comments about me, I know I'm bad at it.

So it's like, Okay, we have two options, either number one, get off the fucking internet, then loser. I'm talking to myself, which is not going to happen right now. I love what I do in so many ways that it's like, I'm not going to do that.

So okay, well, if I'm not going to do that, then I just need to not read them at all. I'm at a phase in my life now, more than ever, where they bother me again. I've gone through phases where it didn't bother me. I was like, you know what it's all going to be?

Okay, it's fine. But more recently, I'm in a phase where I'm very sensitive and not in a negative way. I think I'm actually sensitive right now in a good way, I'm not sensitive in, like, maybe an insecure way.

I'm more sensitive in a way where I'm just, I don't know. I want everything to be good because there's enough shit going on, I don't know. I don't want to incite any sort of negativity or hatred or anger or anything, I don't want to be a part of that.

I don't want to cause that. I think that's why it's so upsetting to me is because it's like, this is not what I'm trying to do. I don't want to annoy people or piss people off, I don't want to be a nuisance to people. That makes me sad.

That's why it's bothering me, because it's like, I don't want to have a negative impact on anyone. However, hate comments just blatant. hate comments that are just mean they're not constructive criticism. Constructive criticism is one thing, just blatant.

Hate and mean is another. It's like there's no reason to even look at it because it's actually not coming from a place that is helpful at all. There's nothing to learn from it, there's nothing to gain from it, it's sort of pointless to look at.

Someone calling me ugly or just saying that my personality sucks, it's like, Dude, I can't do anything about that. The fact that I made someone feel so grossed out in some way that they had to. And I know that that's not how it works, but I don't know. It just bums me out, I guess, because I don't want to be a part of that at all. However, it's inevitable, and I just need to either stop reading it altogether, or stop looking. The second I see something negative, or like, I see it, I just need to look away. Or I need to just become immune to it in some way.

But me actually letting myself get upset by it a little bit is not getting anyone anywhere, so anyone being me, it's not getting me anywhere. Next, I've become sort of a paranoid person in a way that's sort of irrational and toxic. I've talked about this a little bit and I'm working on it for sure, but it's something that is very toxic for myself. Like, for example, today, a friend and I went to go get smoothies and acai bowls and coffee and all these things, right?

And from this like juice place and the person I was with got this like vanilla latte thing, like almond milk latte. And they took a sip of it and they were like, this tastes really off, and I was like, what? because it came in a bottle?

It wasn't like, made in the moment it was in a bottle. I was like, wait, let me try it, and it tasted so sour, like it was sour.

Now, obviously there's no milk in it, so it wasn't like sour milk, but it was like, somehow sour almond milk is very, very like. Off. Okay, I've been paranoid ever since. I took the tiniest sip of that. That I'm going to get really bad food poisoning, like, I'm convinced that today I will just get horrific food poisoning and that something really bad is going to happen. I had one tiny sip of this, I'm going to be fine.

Like, it's not a big deal, but I am so paranoid. Another example would be anytime I have turbulence on a plane, like, I'm really convinced that it's going down, it's going down. I've tried to work on this and I again, I go through phases where it's better.

But the other day, I was flying in a sort of a smaller plane because I was just flying to New Mexico, actually. And you know, it's like just a tiny plane, it's like it's like a medium sized plane, like it's not big.

Like in this, the smaller the plane is, the more you feel the turbulence and stuff. And it was so fucking windy in New Mexico and landing there, oh, it was I. Everyone was chill, actually, there were a few people that looked a little freaked out, but like, for the most part, everyone was chill. And I was like, how are people not like crying?

Like, I, I wanted to start crying because it was so fucking scary. Turbulence is normal, it's not that big of a deal. Like, relax. But I'm just so paranoid. And this stems from me having anxiety, and this is just a way that my anxiety sort of manifests.

And I understand that, and it's not. It's not great to call myself toxic for having anxiety, however this going unmanaged, like, I need to figure that out, you know what I mean?

I can't live like this, I need to be a little bit more chill. I think to an extent, being protective and being aware of things is important because it can prevent catastrophe at times. I think there is value there. But I will let these things like ruin my day, like minor things like me having that little sip of that rotten drink.

Now I'm like, Oh my God, I'm giving it to, I feel like I'm going to die and I'm a mess. Yeah, weirdly, I've had like a fear of food poisoning recently, like, I, I don't know, I don't know.

It's just toxic, how, how paranoid I am and that's something I need to work on. It's toxic that I'm not working on it actively enough because it's a huge issue for me. Okay?

Okay, next, I'm a messy eater. Okay, I don't know why, but I've always been this way. For some reason, whenever I eat something, it gets everywhere.

It's all over the fucking table, it's all over my shirt, there's crumbs everywhere, I just cannot eat without getting it everywhere. And I remember the first time I became really aware of this. While there's been a few instances throughout my life where it's been commented on that I'm a messy eater.

And it's not like I'm eating with my mouth open or anything. Actually, maybe I am, I don't even know. I hope I'm not. I try not to do that.

I don't think I do, but sometimes I let my guard down. So who knows? It's just there's something about the way that I take bites or something where stuff's just falling. I remember I had this friend in high school and she was like the mom of the group, and she was so clean, very clean always. And she used to get so angry at the way that I would eat chips because she was like, Emma. You have to hold a hand under your mouth when you eat it, because now there's crumbs all over your lap.

She could not stand. The way that I ate chips, my mom is always giving me shit. For when I eat at home, there's a three-inch radius around where I ate, where there's just stuff on the table. I don't know why I'm like that, listen, in my defense, I wasn't raised with the most strict manners.

I know there's a lot of kids who were raised in a family where there were a bunch of manners being enforced. Listen, my parents got divorced when I was five. Both of my parents are really relaxed. I had elbows on the table, I was getting sauce from my meal all over the table and it just wasn't that big of a deal.

They had other shit to deal with, they had to work and stuff. They couldn't make sure that. My manners were absolutely perfect. I don't know, it just wasn't a priority, I guess.

I think I turned out all right, but I think the way that I eat is a little toxic. It's like, Again, you're 22 years old, babe. Let's keep it on the plate, let's keep it on the plate because this is not looking so good. Me on a date.

Oh my God, the way I eat. I don't really go on dates, but I mean, I guess once I don't go on first dates, I'll go on a date with a guy. When we've been hanging out for like, a week, two weeks.

I've never met a guy by first date, but in the early phases of a relationship, I'm literally so careful. I'm like, Emma, don't make a mess, you're a messy bitch, don't make a mess. Then eventually, they see the real me and they probably hate it, but that's really fine.

Okay, almost done. are you still with me?

In my defense, it is my dad's guitar and he just leaves it at my house. It's still embarrassing that I want to learn how to play it and I haven't yet. I bought this clay because I was like, Oh, I want to make little things out of clay, like little creatures, and then paint them. Okay, I never did that. Oh, I think there was a moment when I wanted to really be into gardening.

Not really, yeah, I have some herbs growing in the backyard, but I'm not gardening a lot.

Those grow like weeds, I grow mint in the backyard, you don't have to do shit that just grows, it just wants to grow.

I'm not doing anything, I'm not going to take any credit for that thing. Being healthy and happy, it doesn't take any love, it's just thriving. I just can't stick to a hobby.

I think maybe because at times I'm forcing myself to do hobbies that maybe I want to do for some sort of ulterior motive. I think when it comes to playing instruments, I just love music so much, and there are so many people in my life who make music. That I'm like, Oh my god, I want to be a part of it. That's sort of the ulterior motive. It's like, I want to do it with them, it looks so fun when they do it.

But, meanwhile, do I actually like playing instruments alone?

Maybe not enough when it comes to doing the clay thing. I'm just too lazy to get it out, That's just me being lazy. When I have a day off, I'm indulging, I'm not making art.

I'm indulging, I want to go to a thrift store and then lay in bed and watch YouTube shorts. That's an indulgent day to me. doing something creative maybe isn't as indulgent for me sometimes. So that's why that hasn't happened, but I don't know.

I really think I need to either have some discipline with my hobbies and stop letting them die, or I need to find hobbies that I actually like enough to sustain. Because maybe that's the issue I can't figure out if it's that. I haven't gotten over the hump where I'm through the learning curve and it's easy and it's fun to do certain hobbies. Or if they're just not things that I naturally enjoy doing. And I'm forcing myself to do them for ulterior motives that aren't genuine, because in order for a hobby to stick, it has to be genuine anyway.

Okay, you guys, that's it. Those are all my toxic traits. If you think differently of me after this, that's fine. I'm putting it out there, so it's fair game to use against me, I guess.

This is just the bet I made for myself today. I probably have more toxic traits that I just forgot, so maybe this is part one. I feel like a lot of these were ways that I'm toxic to myself. I really try so hard not to be toxic towards others. But maybe I'll do some thinking and think of ways that I am in some way, and I'll get back to you on those.

But I need to do more self-discovery on those, because I'm probably hiding those far deeper in me. Or maybe I'm just not toxic anymore. Maybe I've grown out of those sorts of toxic traits. I'd love to believe so.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Maybe you learned a little something about me that you didn't want to learn, but you did anyway. If you did, enjoy it. New episodes every Thursday and Sunday. You can stream video exclusive on Spotify.

In stream, anywhere you get podcasts, you can follow Anythinggoes on Instagram at Anythinggoes. You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain. You can check out my coffee company at Chamberlaincoffee on Instagram or chamberlaincoffee.com. You can order online, or you can see if we're in a store near you using the store locator.

That's on the website. We have coffee and tea and matcha and all these fun things, so go check that out. I just love you all and appreciate you all. Thank you for hanging out with me and I can't wait to talk to you soon.

Bye, love you.