Kristen Bell, by the grace of God, returns

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather. I'm joined by the Duchess of Duluth.

Hi there.

For anyone who's forgotten our real names in the last two years of not being on other platforms, of course, still living proudly free on Spotify, but also available everywhere now as of today. So I'm really Dax Shepard and you're really Monica Lily Padman.

That's right.

Yeah, could have forgot in the last two years.

I almost forgot.

Yeah, sometimes I do too. A name I bet you won't forget. And there's a beautiful symmetry, we talk about it, which was our very first guest over five and a half years ago was the lovely Kristen Annie Bell.

That's right.

And she's back today for our rejoining of all the other platforms.

Yes, we got her back. We scored her.

Very appropriate. Very. Very, very appropriate. Sim. Sim, Sim, Dr.

If you haven't listened for the last two years and you remember us, you can go onto Spotify for free still.

You can learn all the inside Dr. Gooses, the Sim, the ding, ding, dings.

We've had a pretty fucking amazing two years with some awesome guests.

We certainly, certainly have. Without further ado, please enjoy my lovely bride, Kristen Bell.

He's an architect's man.

He's an architect's man.

He's an architect's man.

Well, you had gotten a pretty powerful facial a couple of days ago. I did. And you came up to say hi to Tig.

Oh yeah. And I was red and I like to get it out of the way real quick, like, I know I look like a cherry tomato. And she said, I would never have noticed.

Which led to a funny conversation.

It is not her politeness. It is because her eyes are broken.

And then I don't know my explanation, but I often miss some key things that I'm embarrassed to have missed.

Well, I appreciate that. Cause if I come home piping red or have any other, I don't know, hairs growing out of my face, I appreciate that you're not clocking that. It's just the worry that you do need your partner to be somewhat observant. Perhaps there was something I didn't want. We're at a dinner party and I've got a booger hanging out of my nose.

Big piece of spinach in your teeth.

Sure. Or like blood falling out of your eye.

Sure. If I'm bleeding from the face, I'd love you to be aware.

Facial bleeding. Look, as much of a bombshell as you are, and you are, you're such a hottie and you're only getting hotter and hotter, which is incredible.

I appreciate you.

That's not what I bought. I signed up. What'd you buy? I signed up for the personality. I really did.

Thank you.

I did work out this morning with our daughter. We went down into the gym. Yep. She vacillates between actually working out, like doing some bicep curls, and then just getting, and I don't blame her, captivated with her reflection when a particularly strongly emotion song is on, and then she'll just start mouthing it like she's in her own music video and staring at the mirror for the other two minutes, which is, I think, sweet. So we did a little bit of a workout together.

Yeah, well, two mornings ago, I hear music blasting outside. It's like going through the Dex Onos. It's loud. And look outside. Delta's out there doing bicep curls with the music cranked.

Do you know why she did that? Why? Because the last couple days, she has watched a lot of TV. She said, mommy, my brain and my body don't feel good. And I said, well, of course not.

She hit the ground running.

She bounded down when I was making breakfast in a workout uniform.

Oh, my God.

And she went outside, listened to the Barbie soundtrack, grabbed her three-pound weights, and had terrible form, but lifted.

Oh, well, you know. She's been her best.

The form wasn't great. I looked out there and I thought, probably doing more damage than any good, but also she's so limber and young that she can afford to stretch some things out.

And then didn't the other day she say something that you overheard, where she told me I had a really nice frame?

She was complimenting you, yeah, on your physique, which is rare.

Then I'll get a compliment from my kids?

Either of us. I always say it's like you and I have agreed to be on one of these makeover shows, and every morning, when we walk out of our bedroom, the judges start evaluating how good the makeover was.

Yeah, and it's never good. No.

No. I'll watch them come up to Kristen and just grab a side of her stomach and just start tugging on it.

Oh, my God.

Or God forbid. I'm changing my top and they will run from across the house because they're still like right below my breast plate and they'll just take their hands and just jiggle up and down like.

They are so entitled to your breasts.

They had a name for him for a while. What were they called?

They did give him a funny name. Wasn't flattering. That's what they don't tell you about being a parent. is that you gotta get a thick skin because they're gonna let it rip on you.

Wait, speaking of her. No kid's gloves. And your skincare. Remember when you got that facial? but they accidentally gave you lidocaine?

Yeah, because it's one of those ones that's like a microneedle, but it has, and I'm not a doctor, but like an ultrasonic pulse or something at the bottom of it. So it just is all around good for rejuvenation. And they're like, oh, you'll be red for probably 24 hours. I'm like, great. That's the kind of thing I like.

It was pronounced. You look a little bit like a Neanderthal, which I love, of course. I did, of course.

What Monica and I remembered was, I looked like the beast from that show, Beauty and the Beast, that was on in the 80s, where the beast lived in the sewer. And it was Linda. Pardellini. No.

Vandalista.

No.

Evangelista.

That was close. No.

Oh, that's what you were trying to do?

From the Terminator movies.

Oh, Hamilton. Linda Hamilton.

I think it was Linda Hamilton.

Yeah, that sounds right.

And the beast, and that's what I looked like. And that's when Delta said to me, how do I know you're really my mommy and not a zombie wearing my mommy's face? She was crying. She was really worried. you were a fake mom.

That's not the only time that happened to Delta, though. Because, remember, I took her to Michigan on my own when she was three. And my beard was really long on that trip, to the point where I was like, this thing's gotta go. It was one of those feelings where it was like an itchy sweater. And I had to get it off now.

That's the saddest story I've ever heard.

It fucking broke my heart. I'm like, oh my God, it was so reckless. I should have brought it down in stages, kept coming back in the car. There was guards. I could have done that.

Or just let her know I'm gonna shave this because she did go through a long phase.

I don't think I was keeping the fact that we were at Meyer's for a beard trimmer so I could shave. I just think, even though she knew that was happening, I didn't look like me all of a sudden.

Yeah, but she went through a phase where she was pretty preoccupied with the fact that we were zombies living in our parents' skin.

So I don't know who's to blame in this situation.

Yeah, who instigated this situation? because she used to ask me that question all the time. How do I really know? you're my mom? I was like, I don't know, man.

I don't know what to tell you. Well, listen, we can't talk about your esteemed acting career. It's just a shame, because it's so good. And naturally we would have done that a little bit.

But it's kind of old news. I haven't done any of that work in a long, long time.

Yeah, you went on strike a couple of years ago.

Yeah, you're on your own strike.

You disagreed with the contracts a couple of years ago, I think. But I thought a career of yours we could go through, and I'm lucky enough to be involved in some of it, is maybe your career in the tabloids.

Oh.

Where the fuck did my piece of paper go?

Are you gonna call this episode Kristen Bell overstays her welcome? No. I think you should.

We're gonna say Kristen Bell, by the grace of God, returns. Shut up.

No. No, no, let's start there.

Yeah, we're starting there.

It's not necessary.

Hold on, no, it is. This is intentional. We are now back wide. Yeah. Back on every platform.

Today is our first day. Exactly, we're toe-touching, we're spread eagle. And you are our first guest on our first episode.

Inaugural episode.

For our inaugural guest, and we thought it would be, for a lot of reasons, perfect to have you back for our first episode wide. Not to mention, you're on everyone's top five favorite guests.

Oh, always. Always.

Most listened to episodes, always. I credit you enormously for this, even launching when it did. I don't think without you, as that explosion of interest at the beginning, anyone would have even found it. So, this is very appropriate.

And I wanna pull the curtain back. Uh-oh. Yesterday, I texted Kristen and said, hey, can you please help us and come on the show, basically, and I said, but I get if you're busier,

you don't want to. You were very kind in the way that you asked him, very responsible. Don't wanna pressure you.

I don't wanna pressure you. You don't have to do this. You have a life.

But if you'd like to, we'd love to have you.

Yeah, and also, we need you. Please help. Please help, help.

Help!

And then you said, well, of course, I will do whatever you guys want.

Always, anything.

But I'm just so bad at it. And I got so angry at that text.

I yelled at her yesterday, too. I'm glad you were upset as well. I let you have it, didn't I?

Listen, this truly isn't compliment fishing. And I love how much you guys love me. There's no relationships I value more. I just don't necessarily feel like I have a lot to say that is of value. I have a lot to do that is of value.

We are opposites in that way, Rhea.

Because I'm a runaway train. You're linear. You can tell a story.

So can you. You're a great storyteller.

This is a false narrative in your head.

And we're here to, this is an intervention. I'm getting mad at it. Even Bobby Wop's gonna have some things to say. How has her denial of her talent affected you, Rob? I bet in many ways.

Those are planned. I know what I'm gonna talk about.

Hold on, your very best talk show appearances in your career as a talk show guest were always with.

Okay, I'll give you that. Who were they with? Craig Ferguson.

And were those planned?

No, those were zero planned. because he does not plan. Because the way those talk shows work is. you talk to the segment producer. You say, what's been going on in your life?

Oh my God, they were incredible. You guys had a great rapport.

I think I did that show like 18 times or something, because they just kept calling, like someone fell out on Tuesday. Can you come in? And I'd be like, sure. But that was at a time when I think my confidence in that arena was higher. And now I feel like I'm so in mom mode that no one wants to hear what I have to say.

Listen.

Like my brain stopped working.

The reason, in my expert opinion, those appearances were so great is that you guys had incredible chemistry. That's this intangible thing you can't plan for or plot for.

Like non-sexual flirting, was happening.

Oh, it was pretty sexual.

Well, it might've come across as flirty and sexual, but it definitely wasn't ever. I love his wife and know his kids, and it wasn't ever boundary crossing.

Do you feel inappropriate?

No, no. It wasn't inappropriate at all, but I also think he could have a crush on you and you could have a crush on him, and that'd be fine.

But it's also okay that Monica and I are clarifying that in the world we live in right now. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. He is wonderful and was always very appropriate.

Oh, he walks the line. He's a man of integrity.

People flirt in a non-sexual way. I believe that. I think straight women flirt with each other.

Yeah, that's Dax's whole game is flirting with every human being he comes into contact with.

Well, no, I think I flirt with guys almost more than women, because I'm assuming they're gonna feel more comfortable with it.

Right, and you said you'd be cool with everything up until Top's Off.

Yes, there was an older actor on a movie that will remain unnamed, who seemed to have a thing for me and I would let him massage my shoulders and I gave him a hug every day. I think there was some kisses on the cheeks and the producer said to me, who's one of my friends, he said, how far are you gonna let this thing go with X actor? And I said, eh, I guess everything up till Shirt's Off, I'm comfortable with. He said, okay, I feel like that's a good line for you to hold.

Anyway, back to you. being stupid. It's an ongoing process for you to fix your brain, because when I was working very closely with you and I was writing stuff for you, I felt like you felt very attached to having me do it.

I was so dependent on saying this gigantic regurgitation of whatever I'd been feeling for the last couple days and then saying, is there any way you can organize these words to make them digestible for another human being? because I did not feel confident to do it.

You didn't feel confident, but you were capable and I would tell you, yes, of course, I'll help, but you can do this, you just don't believe you can do it.

And why don't I ever know what to say, Monica? You're saying, you say the perfect thing all the time. Why is my brain always blank? Explain this to me.

We do have these really funny moments. We will often be laying in bed and it's quiet, and then I'll go.

Every night we do it.

Well, no, we're chatty. We gotta talk about going to two. I'm gonna write this down in my notes, going to two.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sidetrack you.

No, but I will say it's quiet and then I'll go, what are you thinking about, right? Because I'm having some very abstract kind of thing and quite often you'll go, nothing.

I think in this, early on in life, commitment to staying open to opinions and ideas and all walks of life has sort of morphed into just a lot of dead airspace. I remember one of the hardest times I ever made you laugh was we were sitting in an airport and this was a long time ago, when they still had usable desktops at airports, when you could check into the business area if you had to get work done. And we were sitting there and you were doing something important and I was kind of cracking my knuckles. I looked over at you and I said, buddy, what should I Google?

And it was a sincere question.

Like, I wanna learn something, I don't know.

And that's been a runner for 16 years where I constantly say, buddy, what should I Google? Buddy, what should I Google? That's where my brain is at all day. So I think there's a great opportunity for us to tell a couple stories collectively that have gotten themselves into popular mainstream.

Hot water.

For sure. Right? Boil it.

This is what I'm talking about, your career and the tabloids, which means probably both of our careers in the tabloids for the most part.

But I wanna hear one solo tabloid.

Most of the good ones have been about. maybe what sex toys we're buying. Yeah. Yeah, there was one. I wish we were that cool.

I was gonna go into it. There was one that said that we hosted orgies, or swingers parties, you remember that?

Yes, and I know exactly where that came from. It's because you frequently make key party jokes. We'll have a dinner party or something, and as we're sitting down, you'll say, everybody, leave your keys. Like, you use it as a joke.

To many of the guests on this show, and some of them, I realized afterwards, like, oh, we do not have the same sense of humor. I was like, hey, if you guys are ever in LA and you wanna swing, you know.

A lot of people don't get jokes.

Yeah.

I mean, that has actually been something I have been thinking about lately, is it's such a bummer that everything you say has to be taken so literally that there's no room for fun in expression or language anymore when you're telling a story, because you better have the facts right. It's just such a lame way to communicate.

Well, how often do you post something that you think is so obviously a joke, and you see people spiral that they took it literal, and then I have to admit to myself, yeah, a lot of the country's not into comedy.

Doesn't it just make you feel bad that there is a level of communication that that person who's taking it so literally is missing? I mean, certainly there are spectrums of brains, right? Like, people could take a lot of things literally, and that's totally fine, and then you just explain, but for the most part, when those comments come in, I just think like, what a bummer that you're not playful.

Right, that's really what it is. I think a lot of people are angry.

and looking to be angry.

Well, they should Google something, because there's a lot of fun stuff out there.

They should ask their buddy what to Google. You don't need to be angry,

just ask your buddy what to Google.

You know what, they probably don't have a buddy, if I'm gonna be compassionate.

Or they do, but they met through something they hate, which is really dangerous.

True. Yeah. That's another funny thing about you. is your algorithm, speaking of what should I Google. If something happens with an animal in America,

Oh, my God.

You will see it.

Well, two different kinds, either cross-species relationships.

Oh. You love those. Love them. Chicken and a goat.

Clicked on them so many times. The dog that's taking care of the bird. Oh, that's cute. But the other one, and this is why you gotta be careful what you tap. I, one time, clicked on a headline about an alligator attack.

at numbers you can't comprehend.

They're eating old people. They're eating old people's dogs. They're eating children. They're grabbing people's legs.

It's wild down there.

They're indiscriminate.

I see all of it now because of one click and I wish it would go away. So if anyone has any advice as to how to change my reptilian algorithm, reptile attacks, I don't want it to be in there.

Okay, so another thing that I think we're both really kind to each other about is most frequently, when you wanna show me a video, it is a dog caring for some other animal.

Well, those are the most interesting.

Well, I mean, what else would you show? And I do my very best to be dialed in.

You do, you do. And I DM you a lot of them. A lot of them, yeah. And you very often heart them or say, so cute, or XOXO. I really appreciate that effort.

Are you watching them? What's a percentage?

If I had to assign a percentage, I would say, well, let me first defend why sometimes I might not watch them. Because often I'm like, is this one she showed me last night? She had sent it the day before and I didn't say anything. So now did I already see it last night? So sometimes I don't know if I've already seen it, but I would say probably 65%, 70..

That's great. That is pretty good.

And then, conversely, what you do is I often show you some car stuff. Yeah. Look at this truck. Can you believe this guy jumped this thing?

Listen to that motor.

Yeah, listen to the V10 F1s. Can you imagine if they still sounded like that?

And the 460 SS PRX Q axle. Why is that a real thing? Oh, they make it all up when they talk. That's why you can't ever get a handle on it.

There's no emotions in numbers. That's why us boys love numbers. Numbers, numbers, numbers.

You show me a lot of horsepower videos or people backing through their garage. Well, this is when I figured you out, because one of my litmus tests of human beings is I was obsessed with America's Funniest Home Videos growing up, and I used to sit down and watch it with a lot of people.

Let me add, when TiVo came out, your entire DVR was hundreds of episodes of AFV.

That's right. So when I would show people AFV, I would watch them to see which ones they were laughing at. Are you laughing at the animal videos? Are you laughing at the baby videos? Are you laughing at old people falling?

It's very, very mixed messages.

That's my dark sense of humor coming through is I love the animal ones, but you get an old person that trips on the dance floor into a fountain, I'm on the floor.

Well, the stakes are really high. I think that's why you like it. And I think that's why I like the car ones, because danger's eminent. Their hips aren't up to a big fall and you know the stakes are high.

The stakes are high. And the ones Dax would always laugh at never, ever even produced a smile on my face. It was like somebody gets in the car and then they accidentally go into drive instead of reverse, when they're backing out of their garage and they go through the wall and he can't breathe. Yeah. He's laughing so hard.

That brings me to the most dangerous laugh of your life, which is-.

I'm not gonna do it. Don't even try.

Wait, you're not gonna do the laugh? Oh, when I met her, she laughed like Bart Simpson.

I know, and I really wanna hear it.

And then she changed it, I know, but Delta does sometimes, and it makes me so happy.

I know, because it's my natural way of really like guttural laughing, but it does sound very close to Bart Simpson.

And why did you change it?

Because it made me insecure. Imagine if every time you laughed, you sounded like Bart Simpson and then everybody said, oh my God, you sound like Bart Simpson.

Did everyone say it or did he say it? When did you realize it?

He was everyone to me. I loved it, yeah. Oh, mon frere, au contraire, mon frere. But we had just come home from the hospital. You had had a C-section.

We're time jumping now.

But it's related- Well, the most dangerous laugh of your life.

And it's related to the type of content that makes me laugh and you laugh. So you said, buddy, you cannot be funny tonight because I don't want to tear my stitches out. And I said, okay, great.

Yeah, no, my organs will fall on the floor if you make me laugh. This is very important. I told him this and he looked at me like Dennis the Menace.

No, no, okay.

Yes, you did. You were like, okay, I won't. I just noticed that you were going to use all your power not to try to make me laugh.

I wanted to make you laugh more than ever, because you just told me I conned him.

Yeah, that's what I meant.

Absolutely, you're right. But I said, okay, then what should we watch? Let's watch something that's not funny. You know where this, you remember this?

I remember.

So-.

Like Schindler's List? Well-.

Not too far off. So we thought let's watch 60 Minutes. That's not a comedy program. Normally not. That's a news show.

Traveled throughout Africa. Wasn't? What is the What?

What is the? What is about that. Yeah, it's incredible. So you meet this kind of temporary encampment where kids are waiting, hopefully, to get adopted to go to America.

Not little kids, though.

This boy was a teenager. Teenager, yeah. It's a moving, beautiful story. And you meet the boy at the encampment and then he gets his papers that he's getting adopted. And I think he's 16 years old.

By the way, let me say, the whole thing was beautiful, because you're watching him see these things for the first time. And we didn't have a clue that we would end up starting to laugh during this program. Yeah, I'm like, I'm very anxious.

You're nervous, right?

I'm so nervous right now about the end of this story.

So the first thing that happens is he gets on the plane and the flight attendant serves him his tray of food. There's no explanation, right? So the first thing he gets curious about is there is a foil-wrapped pad of butter. He's not seen one of these, right? So he unwraps it and we think he's gonna spread this on a thing.

Oh, no!

The whole pad of butter up in his mouth.

Oh, no!

He was nibbling it like a candy bar at first. And he had a really curious look on his face, like, what is this? This is weird food. So that was like, uh-oh. And then we kind of giggled, because that's innately funny, someone eating a pad of butter like a Snickers bar.

My dad?

Your dad. And the dad decides to take the boy out to teach him how to drive. And again, it's such a sweet moment. And they're filming the boy driving and the older man in the passenger seat. And he's instructing him what to do.

No one got hurt. No, everyone's fine.

That's why we were out to giggle at it.

Well, he just took a left, turned into a field.

and drove straight into it. Well, we wanted to see what that was like. Sure.

This wheel moves.

Yeah.

Of course. Give me more of that candy. The lesson, this food is rich. That salty candy.

The lesson is don't watch 60 minutes after you've had a C-section, because.

That one snuck up on us.

Wait, what is the one you just wrote down?

Going to two.

That's a cliffhanger I wanna hear.

Okay, you know what going to two is already, though.

When we're laying in bed, watching television at night, I don't remember how it started, but sometimes, because we've seen so much behind the curtain, there are things we notice about the program that we don't think anyone else is noticing. Production issues, prop issues.

Hair issues.

Oh, I'm on hair patrol all the time.

That's your area of expertise. Correct. Who's wearing extensions.

I had a laser pointer at one time, because you have to point out the lines of demarcation when you're not blending these.

It started with a laser pointer before we ever going to two. But what you need to know is that on a set, there is assistant director and then there's a second AD and then there's PAs. And everyone has a walkie on themselves at all times and they all have an earpiece in. So you'll often be talking to someone and then you get a sense they're distracted and then they say something in non sequitur and you realize, oh, they've just heard a message in their earpiece. and now they're talking.

Go off the main channel, because channel one is where the main people communicate. Like channel seven is where electric communicates. Channel five is where the grips communicate.

Transpo has it too.

Right, but two is where you have elongated conversations about something that's necessary for channel one to know or to solve. But we need more context needs. So you know what? Go to two. Let's talk this out on two.

And you grab your collar, and we always grab our collar. Mike, can you go to two?

On two?

Yeah, Gail is wondering if she's gonna be seen in this whole scene, because she is in the deep background. This is a three-day scene.

She's in the deep BG. I'm gonna need her to sit on that stool, though. I mean, I guess if she ducks down a little bit, we can cut around her.

I guess what she's asking and I'm asking is if we put her stand in back there, will it be obvious from what lens you're on?

Does her stand in, have a wig that matches?

I'll have to ask Becky about that, but presumably yes. If so, if she has the wig, we're good to go?

Yeah, let me ask Dan, but go. And so we have elongated conversations.

It takes us two and a half hours to watch a one-hour show quite often.

When we were watching Yellowstone, we were doing it a lot because of prop things. How many cowboy hats did we have?

Beth's makeup, she had been beat up in one season. She just wouldn't heal. And we were now like three seasons away and there was a lot of going to two.

Going to two to talk to hair and makeup, to see if the bruises matched from yesterday.

Oh, my God. A great one. the other day was we were watching City on the Hill, a show we love. We're obsessed with Kevin Bacon in it. Oh yeah.

So the camera is over the extra's shoulder. The extra just leans in, all you see is maybe a tiny bit of side of face, neck, shoulder, and the hand reaching in to light the candle, meaning this is dinner time.

Setting the scene. Correct.

Yes, and the main scene you're supposed to be concentrating on is these two actors that are mid-conversation, but what either of us noticed was that the extra lighting the candle had one of these 14-inch long candle lighter matches, but he was choked up all the way next to the sulfur. So his fingers were clearly being burnt and he has to reach deep into this candle to get the candle, and you see his hand get burnt in the scene.

And it was one of those candles that are like red and sort of oval-shaped that they have at, yeah, like an old Italian restaurant. Oh my God. So he has to get in this tiny oval and he was clearly being burned while the scene was happening.

And Kristen's immediately. like, Dan, can you go to two? Yeah, what's up?

Did we not have stunts here today or fire? Is he authorized to be lighting this candle?

Yeah, we ran him through it. He hadn't choked up on it the last time when we did it in the blocking rehearsal.

Did you specifically say the reason that we handed him a 14-inch match is so he wouldn't get his fingers burnt? Because where he's holding the match, it's incredibly distracting.

I'm gonna ask that of Kevin, I think, interface with him. What's his name again? Is it Dale, Dale, Daly?

It was like Kennethed. Kennethed. There was like a T on the end of it. What's his name, Kenneth? No, Kennethed.

Kennethed? With a T, a hard T, at the end?

The one thing we will dip into is how often the ADs have to scramble to deal with different people. Like, okay, I'll talk to Kenneth. No, no, no, it's Kennethed. Right.

So, anyways, that's most of our time. watching TV is going to two to air. some concerns. Act like the AD department. Yes.

Do you guys think you would have been able to marry someone not in the industry?

Been able to, maybe, but it wouldn't have been as fun because there's so much inside baseball.

You don't have to be in show business, but what I've discovered is how fun it is to have the same job so you can talk shop all the time. Yeah. I wouldn't have known we were missing out on it, but now that we have it, I'd say it's nearly the foundation for our whole relationship. I would agree. It's how much fun we have in bed, goofing on show business.

It's a level of connection that surpasses our attraction to each other.

Yeah, it's so fun. The highlight of my day is that hour and a half. Going to two? Deconstructing, going to two. Eric and Molly will often say watching TV with us ruins movies and TV.

I mean, I used to watch a ton of TV with you two.

But you know a lot of this stuff on your own.

Yeah, but sometimes I was like, one time. specifically, I was mad because you were really picking apart this person's tongue.

Oh, well, let's not talk about that.

Well, it happens.

That person did have a really big tongue, though.

It wasn't mean, I. just, what I noticed is, oh, he's struggling to keep it in his mouth while he's. Right. And once you notice that, you really see it a lot. And it wasn't mean.

No one else would have noticed that except you guys. I don't know if that's true, Monica.

I really think it's true. I really think it's true. I feel like an ear, nose, and throat person definitely would have been like, oh, larger than life tongue, I see.

Speech pathologist would have been like,

that's hard, though. Sure, okay, you're right. There's a few professions.

A speech pathologist would have probably said he had his hands full with that tongue. Right. But he's mastered it. He'd probably be proud.

With his mouth full, with that tongue.

Yeah, he has a mouth full. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

David said it made the news in New Zealand. No.

What, the New Zealand?

Yeah, it made the news.

That's what they should call it there. Welcome to the New Zealand.

I'm kind of shocked that it did, because it was one of the more uninteresting things.

I'll start finding out during the day, because friends will text.

That's exactly it. Or my parents will text me, yeah.

It became obvious that this airport thing was one of those things. And then also I had just an inordinate amount of comments on that post. And then I noticed I had a ton of comments from people that don't follow me. So that's what made me think, oh, it has to be in the news, because if you don't follow me, you're not seeing this post. You have to have seen it on the news, then came to see the post.

The airport one. Yeah.

Well, let's not deconstruct social media. Let's tell the airport story.

Okay, so we had been on this incredible, life-changing vacation.

Right, we went to Martha's Vineyard. I had a lot of old friends that live there.

Yes, I wanna give a shout out to Tom, my new best friend.

So one of my best friends from college, Ariel, who is now a wonderful designer, her parents lived on Martha's Vineyard. And so when we were in New York together, I remember them as an 18 year old being such a part of my life. They would like come in and see every show I was in. And they were just like a wonderful East Coast family, Tom and Joanne Ashe. So they live in Martha's Vineyard.

And let's already talk about that. Our natural disposition differs. I tend to wanna get to the airport earlier than you do.

Yeah, I don't think we need to be there the day before.

Exactly, I think that's prerequisite knowledge. So there's always a little bit of tension when we're gonna travel. Cause I probably like to be out of the door minimally a half an hour earlier than you'd like to be out of the door.

You really do like to leave like 45 minutes prior to whatever the traffic says. And I'm just like, that's so much of our day. I get it.

Well, you're an efficient gal. That's how you live your life. It's really down to the wire.

You are at your worst at the airport. And I know that and I try to be a good support system. cause authority does not.

Yeah, it's embarrassing.

It doesn't work well for you. So getting there early is a good idea.

Yep, so when we left Martha's Vineyard, you had already pretty much made a concession. We got on the noon ferry, even though it was probably plausible, we could have taken the 1 p.m. ferry. So we had to wake up kind of early. We had to clean the house.

Right, cause we didn't want to rent two cars. So we rented a Sprinter van so everyone could be in there.

It was wonderful.

And it's a two hour drive from-.

Woods Hole.

The Woods Hole ferry to the Boston airport.

And so when we depart from the ferry, Woods Hole, it looks like Kristen's right. We're getting close to Boston and it looks like we're probably gonna be at the airport two hours early, which even I don't want to be there two hours early, until we get to the tunnels. They're all closed, or not all of them, but enough of them that this two hour window we thought we were gonna have, we're sitting in a ton of traffic. And then I'm just getting very grateful we're this early.

The Boston airport is under construction. I did take that into consideration. Or, to credit her, Anna was like, hey, you know, the Boston airport is under construction right now. There's only one tunnel open. You gotta make sure you're super early.

So we ended up getting there in plenty of time, but we got there probably an hour and a half early when it looked like. at one point we were gonna be two and a half hours early. So it was kind of this perfect compromise of you and I. It worked out beautifully. We got in there.

Larry Trilling is Zacks's favorite director from Parenthood.

Director 39 of 100 Parenthoods.

An incredible human being.

Most beautiful dude ever. And Jen, his wife, is incredible. So we're pumped. They're there at the airport. We're all on the same flight.

He wants it to be checked out. And there was this collective groan throughout the whole terminal of like,

oh, we just wanna get on.

And I'm texting with you and Rob going like, I think I'm getting on, I don't think I'm getting on.

I wanna be a part of that collective groan, except for the fact that if the pilot doesn't like a sound he's hearing, I for sure want him to say, I need this checked out before we get on the plane. I was grateful that he was like, I ain't trying to make y'all happy, I'm trying to keep you safe and alive.

Yes, I don't wanna be peer pressured into just taking this plane off and crashing it.

Exactly, so. I was grateful for that. But it was frustrating. We had four kids with us.

They were doing spectacularly.

They were, I think, as a mom, I'm clocking when they last slept, when they last ate. And I'm knowing the Sam Adams meal at that restaurant was a while ago. It was six hours ago. at this point. And there's only so long I can give them peanuts and goldfish.

And they're shutting down restaurants. So you're trying to decide, should we get one last meal in?

What am I gonna feed my kids? Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so they announced that and we're like, okay, whatever, hopefully they'll look at this for 40 minutes and then we'll be on our way. And then they come over. At this point, a flight attendant, Kristen, comes over. She has seen you sitting there. She had gotten off the plane while they're looking at the mechanical issue.

And she said, do you remember me? We were on a flight a long, long time ago and I gave you the dogs. I immediately remembered her. 10 years ago, I'm on an overnight flight to New York and I'm curling up to go to bed. They shut the lights off and all of a sudden I look in the aisle and there is a dog.

I'm dreaming. this is my dream.

Yeah, a stray dog. And I'm like, what, what, what's going on? And then I see another one.

Oh, Jesus.

It looks like they're crawling out of all of the holes in the plane. So I'm trying to get her attention and I'm like, there's dogs. There's two small dogs running around underneath the seats. And she's like, what? So she's looking on the floor, I'm looking on the floor and she picks them up and she brings them over to me and she goes, I can't make an announcement.

Waiting your whole life for this moment.

This is what you were training for.

Honestly. So she hands me these two little dogs. I cuddle up with them and I think I sleep with them for a fair amount of time. Don't know whose dogs these are, just know that I'm needed, I'm here. Don't care.

Was it Derek Jeter or A-Rod?

You know what? In the telling of this story, the last 10 years, we thought it was Derek Jeter, but I think I said that because I have a problem with sportsmen. Sure, sportsmen. It was A-Rod.

That makes sense. I mean, they're on the same team. They're both the big names from the Yankees. So easy mix up.

Maybe it was somebody he was traveling with. They were in his group. We realized it, we put him back in the containers and informed him like, oh, maybe the zipper was open here. Your dogs, don't worry, I snuggled with them all night. But the point is, Kristen, the flight attendant, remember that?

What we find out pretty quickly, and they make an announcement, is the crew has timed out. They can only be on the clock for so long. So if the flight hadn't left by like 9.50, the crew was gonna time out. And they did not address the mechanical issue in that window.

She said, we've got about 15 minutes left before we time out. It doesn't look to me like they're gonna come to a conclusion about this mechanical issue. And once we're timed out, they have to find us a hotel and we have to have a 10 hour turnaround.

At that point, it's like 10 o'clock at night. And so everyone starts searching for a hotel. The Trillings, they too have been calling every place. And what we quickly find out is that the closest hotel, and this is important, because some of the criticism we received suggested that none of the hotels to our liking were available.

There was not any place to sleep within 50 miles of the airport. And this was because the airport's under construction. It was because there was a flight to London.

There was a dozen canceled flights.

Dozen cancellations.

And everyone knew before us, because they kept kicking ours like it was gonna happen in the night. So by the time we acknowledge, no, this flight's not going out tonight, everyone's already grabbed the hotel rooms. And there are hotel rooms, full disclosure, about 50 minutes away at night.

No, 50 miles.

That's longer than 50 minutes.

because you have the traffic getting out of the airport.

Yeah, and most people aren't driving 100 miles an hour.

Exactly, it'd be 60, but same difference.

But the point I'm trying to make is at 11 o'clock at night, we can get there in an hour. But we have to recognize that with all the tunnel closures, that coming back in the morning is gonna be at least a two-hour commute.

I'll sprinkle on top of this, we've got eight people. So we can't just take one tiny room. We have to have two rooms. I mean, I guess we could have one room, but then the hotel sometimes asks you how many people are staying there. And if I was like eight, I don't know if they'd be down for that.

And at that point, they're telling us that the flight's gonna take off at eight in the morning. So I was instigating this, I think. I was saying, look, let's just sleep here on the floor.

Plus, it was kind of exciting.

We were like, girls, we're sleeping at the airport.

They were like, what? This is camping, this is so cool. We're like, we're gonna go to that shop before it closes. And again, we had eight people, so we had to buy everyone a little neck pillow and a blanket. They're not cheap.

Oh, they made a fortune. Regardless, we lay down, we have a great attitude. And I think the video we posted is us partying. Like, it's gonna be a fun camping experience inside the Logan Airport. And we play a round of spades.

We're having pretzels for dinner, it's great.

Some kids fall asleep. Now it's like 11.. Now, Larry and his wife had talked to a best friend who lived in Wellesley. Larry said, hey, we're gonna go to our friend's house, and they said you could come too.

I said, yes, let me talk to Dax.

That's right. And then I'm a lot more codependent, so I'm like, I'm not showing up at stranger's house with eight people, four kids. Now this is where I'm switching to, like, let's just fucking commit to this and do this. Let's stop coming up with other plans. Let's just go to sleep, it'll be fine.

There are so many people sleeping by our gate. And at one point in the midst of all this, the flight attendants are kind enough to go onto the plane and grab some pillows and blankets from the plane. And they start unloading them. and there's two older couples right next to us. They give them like a blanket and a pillow.

Obviously.

I said, do you know if they're bringing any more off? or is there some way I could ask the people on the plane? There's actually a lot of people out here. Could you bring kind of all of them? And she looked at me and said, well, technically, they're not supposed to be bringing those pillows and blankets off.

Oh, Lord.

And I, for the first time in my life, got sassy. And I said, right, well, technically, the plane was supposed to take off.

Wow.

I finally rubbed off on her.

She's getting into confrontation. I'll tell you, did not like that.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, how'd that go over?

Not well. She then turned her back, which was understandable. But I will say, this is a very new feeling for me. I turned away and I felt like I nailed it. You did.

Yeah, it was good. It's good. That's good.

Very solid. It's a great first foray into public confrontation.

Yeah, back sass. What do you call it?

Back talk?

Back talk, yeah.

Okay, now, I just gotta add one other element. So, we're actually being advised at some point that we should get in a car and drive to New York. The flights aren't gonna leave the next day either. But, we're kinda held hostage by the fact that our bags are on that plane. And now, they take the plane away to where they're gonna work on it extensively.

To when the door opens again.

Yes, for anyone who says we were lying about there not being any hotels. Yes, there were some in Providence, Rhode Island. Right. Where the crew had just left from and then had to drive to. And they knew the following morning it was gonna be at least two and a half hour commute from Providence to get back in at rush hour.

And, in addition, I'll just speak to how great this flight crew was, because Kristen was like, I also heard the rumor that TSA's coming up here at 1 a.m. to clear everyone out. She was like, once you're through TSA, you're through TSA, let me ask some questions.

Ask TSA, are you going to do this? Are you guys gonna make an exception?

Yeah, and she was taking care of everyone in our area so well.

Because even when we found out the flight was gonna leave now at 11 or 12, we were still kind of pot committed. We're like, we still don't have our luggage. Even if we left now, what's the point? We're still gonna do this. Then we found out that they're gonna kick us out at 1 a.m.

So we came out with bad news. She said, unfortunately, it's some sort of policy here. They're gonna take you down to baggage claim at 1 a.m. and offer you cots.

So then I finally cave. And I'm like, okay, you guys are right. I'm gonna try texting Larry. I already felt uncomfortable about it at 11, but now it was 12.30 at night. Text him, is there any way we can still come?

He had already taken his sleep aids. Yes, yes, yes.

I'm gonna leave p.m. half a trazodone and some melatonin.

It's a race against the clock. It really is.

It's a race against me and the two girls dragging his body into this cab.

And we have a lot of luggage. We've been gone for three weeks. So I've got bags to carry.

Finally, we get to Larry's friend's house, John and Krista.

And I wanna add, we've had a great time.

Yeah, the whole thing has been so fun.

The whole thing has been fun. The thing I got worried about when it got on the news is like, I would hate for people to think that we were upset or complaining about the experience. I just thought it was novel and funny. It was just the anxiety of making the right decision. Like, do we sleep here?

You said that you got mad when they said that they were making everyone leave.

I thought that was insane, yes.

You threatened to stay.

Great point.

I started realizing he's putting a stake in the ground here to stay. The last thing I need is Dax fighting with the TSA guards to stay in the airport.

I knew that wasn't a good mix for me either.

How do you handle this? How do you handle when you know this is about to escalate, it's getting hot?

I make physical contact with him, which he's very in tune with. So I'll go up and like, touch his shoulder or put my hand on his chest. I'll make eye contact with him and literally just bring him out of fight or flight. That's literally all that needs to happen. Cause it's not like he's a person that makes insane, rash decisions.

I know it's not gonna go. well. I can feel that I'm gonna not cooperate the way I should. So let's just get out of here. We get to John and Krista's.

And they were so nice and fun. I walk into the dining room and there's knitting being blocked all over the dining room table. And I was like, Krista, what is this? She's like, oh, I knit on the side. I like an Etsy shop.

Oh, my God. I was like, what?

Yeah, it'd be like if the guy was an AMM motorcycle champion that we would, yeah.

We sleep there so soundly. We wake up the next morning. They've gone to the grocery store and gotten eggs and berries and put out this beautiful spread.

Our favorite cottage cheese.

Our favorite cottage cheese, good culture cottage cheese. We go downstairs, we have this beautiful breakfast.

It felt like coming down the stairs in a Christmas movie. Identical, because this is an old house. Like it was a really cool, character-y old house. And there's this huge breakfast made and everyone's happy. And there's 12 people in the kitchen.

But Krista's not there. John's like, I'm so sorry, Krista couldn't be here. She brings this music program to the juvenile detention center some morning. So she has to be there and they expose the kids to music. And I was like, yes, these people were angels.

And then we got in the car and we went back to the airport. It was delayed a couple more times, which was fine.

And then the boot is, we get on the plane, we sit down and we realize almost the entire first-class cabin are the flight attendants from last night sitting. They didn't have to work because they were just getting back to their base, but they were like worked for too long. And I'm grateful that whoever their boss was made the call. No, they shouldn't have to work this flight. They're all sitting in comfortable seats.

You love that.

I do love that. She told me not to tell anybody, but I did.

You just told everybody.

Anyways, the flight attendants finally got to relax. I'm not sure if it was the same pilot or not, but it felt so special to have that weird camping trip in the airport and then also be involved intimately in the space of these strangers who were so generous.

Yeah, it was really, really incredible. So I guess I was confused when I saw all these really angry comments on my post, because I can't figure out what makes someone mad about that story.

But here's the thing. You're treating everyone as though they have the emotional and intellectual capacity that you have or that your circle of friends. A lot of people just get on the internet and they say, buddy, what should I Google? And they just Google angry, mad stuff. They want to be angry about something.