“Conan O’Brien: LIVE in Boston”

Go Sox!

Oh, man. Wow.

What's, um... Did they do the announcement? Yeah. Oh, they did the announcement? The guy did the announcement.

Yeah. Oh. The guy already did the announcement. He told them to turn off their phones. Oh, okay.

Yeah. All right. Well, do you think? everybody turned their phones off? Wait a second.

Why are they applauding? Can they hear us? I guess... Well, we're also doing a brand-new episode... Of?

Of? SmartLess! Welcome to SmartLess! Let's do it!

Okay. Good rehearsal. Let's go back. We should've... We could've done that before the show, I guess.

We have a... We have a fourth member that we're announcing tonight. He's shy. He's got a loose bowel, so he's gonna go... He's shy.

He's very shy. We're so excited to be in Boston! Boston!

And the weather is so crappy out there. Thank you for raving the elements. Yeah.

Yeah, just for a second. Just for a second. Or do we not want to see all these people? You can't see them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll sit down. Wow. This is really... No, no. We're going to switch.

Oh, yeah, we're going to switch. We did a show the other day. We did a show in DC. We're so well rehearsed. Well, Jay, you just turned your chair.

You've got to leave it out a little bit. I've got to leave it out a little bit. Yeah. All right. And...

Sitting on a mic pack. All right. So this is where we... This is... So we're past the cold open.

Now we do... Oh, this is just us bullshitting before the guests. About our day. I'm new. I'm brand new.

About our day. Well, today... Well, first of all, Will always makes fun of my emails. I just heard you mention it downstairs before we came out, but he thinks I email too much. I think I don't, because I'm always on emails.

He's like, hey, cool it with the emails, because the... Wait, did you prepare? No, it's not about that, you email too much. It's that you feel a need to respond immediately, and you don't think through your answer. Well...

It's true. It's true. And then you get in a lot of trouble. I do. By the way, good note.

Good note. I do get in a little bit of trouble, but I like to respond quickly, because I like when people respond quickly to me. Okay. Here's what I don't like. How difficult is it to proofread your text, your email, check your punctuation?

Like if you send me something that's not well spelt or well punctuated, I don't feel like you really mean it. You didn't really check through it. You feel disrespected. That's how I want to communicate my thought, and now I hit send. If somebody doesn't do that, then I kind of half read it.

So you're saying that's what I do? I don't think I've ever gotten an email from you before. No, no, no. What are you talking about? It's mostly text, but you're right.

Sean's our adult. When we have to do... Which is sad. When we have to do a three-headed email back to the people who are nice enough to fund something like this, he's the one that puts it together, and it's always very mixed up. Who answers first?

Who do you think of everybody who answers first to every email that we get? business-wise? Sean. Sean. Sean.

Yeah. I'm a tight second. But you hate that. I do hate that. I like taking a second.

All right. Yeah, I need that. And that's a power move. By the way, it's so much more than a second. You don't even respond at all, because Will is conflict-averse, and so he doesn't want to be a part of anything that can be slightly problematic.

That's true. Well, first of all, I'm not conflict-averse. I like conflict in the immediate. I like interpersonal conflict, like when we're having a conversation. That I enjoy.

I don't like real conflict that has to do with greater big world implications. Sure. You know what I mean? He's the king of the people that go, hey, sorry, just seeing this. You know?

Just getting to this. That's so true. What's up? Thanks, everybody. I'm on board with all.

Yeah. That's so true. And, you know, but I said this to you, Will, earlier today, that sometimes I'll be falling asleep at night, and I'll start laughing so hard because of something Jason or Will said the previous, like, that day, right? I did that today. brushing my teeth.

I spit all over the mirror. I'm an idiot. But last night, Will made us all cry so hard because we were eating sushi, and he... And I kept saying... It's so dumb.

It's so dumb. It's the greatest dad joke ever. And I kept saying, I didn't have time to make dinner tonight, so I ordered Japanese sashimi.

Not a great delivery. It's a... Not a great delivery. Well, it's tough. I'm delivering for, you know...

Sashimi. Sashimi. By the way, and know that we're laughing, not only because the pun's just kind of dumb, but it's so dumb. It's so stupid. It's so dumb.

You know what? You're going to find a better delivery somewhere in this interview with your guest. You just work it back in, and they'll see. I imagine that our guest is going to try to work it in, because our guest can. sometimes, they like...

Did I just provide a segue? Yeah, you did. Are you guys ready for the guest?

Our guest really likes to work in sweaty bits. Let me just say that. Whoa. Like in sweaty bits of clothes? No, no, no.

Is this a workout specialist? I don't mean like their meats and cheeses are sweaty. I mean that they like to do bits, and that sometimes the bits get pretty sweaty. This is somebody that we know quite well. This is somebody, and when I say we, I mean that we all know quite well.

Is this person specific to Boston? This person is specific to Boston in that this person is from Boston.

Is it like a sports person? Is it a... Male or female? This person is not a sports person. Are you unsure on the gender?

Well, I'll let you decide. By the way, the world just kind of, my questions just opened a little more now that it's not a sports person. Not that I don't love sports, I just don't know a lot of them. But, well, hang on a second, we'll get back to this. I know your whole thing is you don't like sports, but recently you've started to enjoy football.

Oh my God, I love football. There we go. Yeah. I watch it. That's a great sound bite.

I watch it and I'm like blown away by the science of the guy throwing the ball and timing it and the guy catching it. It's like, who can do that? It's not called science. What do you mean, who can do that? Lots of people can do that.

I know, but not like, like. who was the guy I was watching the game? Oh, the Rams. The guy from the Rams. He's amazing.

Matt Stafford. Matt Stafford. Do you know, hang on, check this out, do you know the really famous quarterback that played for the Patriots? Okay, well, now you're making me look. No, no.

Do you? Watch this. Watch this. No clue. Wait a minute.

Who is it again? No, no, I'm asking you again. No, no, I know what. But he used to play for the Patriots for the bulk of his career. And then he just finished up his career in Tampa Bay.

Oh boy. Oh boy. Give me the first, give me the first. First name, Tom. Brady.

This person is, has lived in many cities after Boston. This person lived in Chicago. This person was roommate with Bob Odenkirk and worked with Bob Odenkirk very closely. Is this cross? This person worked in California, wrote on the Simpsons.

Conan? Wrote on Saturday Night Live.

And he didn't. You know,

what kind of show business are you running where you tell a Boston crowd, it may be Tom Brady?

And I'm backstage and my dick goes up inside my body.

You know what? I did not say. kind of. I said the opposite. What kind of shitty show business is this?

You went, no, kind of the opposite of a sports person. And I swear to God, one person in the back was like, Conan!

When did I become the dictionary definition of all that is not excellence in sport? What's the opposite of the most admired? Conan!

I would like to know,

as we spoke during the last two years. during the pandemic, you chose to do something a little different with your hair and now you're going back to the original. It's a great place to start. It's a great place to start. It's a really good place.

You usually want to soften up the guests before you start ripping them down. No, no, no. I just, I don't know what it looks like because it is raining ice outside. Yeah.

And this podcast doesn't spend a lot at all. Wow.

We got you an umbrella, didn't we? No, no, no. You sent me half an umbrella. It should be noted. It should be noted.

Before the show, Jason and Sean didn't know that Conan came all the way from California to see you guys. Yes, thank you. And, all right, you didn't walk.

He rode his Razor. Exactly. So, I go into his dressing room and somebody on our team has laid out a ton of smartless, swag like cats and stuff, and he's got his own podcast and he is seething. Oh, I see this stuff and I take a picture of it and I send it to my podcast people. Yeah, I know.

We have a shower cap. There's a. Conan O'Brien needs a friend shower cap and if you use it in the shower and it gets wet, you see that it used to be for Al, the TV show Al. Oh, no.

Old reference. But, anyway, I'll just lift this and put it over here. Yeah, you give me shit for old references. Hey, come on. What was the hair strategy?

before you came back? I wanted to look like a puppet, a puppet that had been carved out of wood. What did that look like? When I was a kid, true story, and I love, I cracked this. I cracked this, by the way.

That fucking hair, though, right now is just chicken. It is an audio medium and you've got to use everything you can to boost. So, anyway, what happened was I got it wet and then I was like, I'll be fine, and I just ran a hair dryer through it, and it looks like I've been electrocuted.

My apologies, but this will be good, you know? This is really good. This is good for your brand. Thank you. Yeah.

Listen, the first thing I want to get to, and this is a bit of a touchy subject, not for you, but for Jason. So, we're not going to talk about his incredible guest appearance on Will's new show, Murderville.

Let's get that out of the way. Get that out. Because it's incredible. You were, Conan, was unbelievable. Incredible improvisation.

Jason, your resting stance is to have your hand on your dick. It's incredible. No, it's, I swear to God. He's looking at me. If I was on the subway and you were sitting opposite me and doing that, I would call the police.

And I would. Is anyone else noticing this?

What's with your hair, buddy?

Why did you put up with that? I said, I don't mind. He doesn't mind. I don't mind that. Here we go.

I'm going to, I'm going to point it at Sean. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Thank you for Murderville.

Conan came on, had no idea what we were doing. I didn't see you until we started rolling and you were thrown into this bizarre situation. No, you never, they never tell you what's going on. Well, for Tracy, tell them what Murderville is. And, by the way, Murderville has gotten amazing reviews everywhere.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Well, I think my favorite headline so far is O'Brien saves Arnett with Murderville.

Is that, is that one of them? Yeah. I wrote that. Yeah. In the O'Brien Gazette.

Who's at the Arnett Gazette today? It's a really fun show to do. And what happens is you know nothing and they just tell you, basically, all you know is you're the trainee and you're going to be paired up with a Detective. Will. It's an improv show.

It's an improv show. But we never talked about how scary that is, because, quite literally, we, you're sequestered and then you're just brought to the edge of a set and they go and action. Right. And so the guest star is the only person that has to improvise, that has no script. Yeah.

Right. The person who's most fearful gets no script. Yeah. Right. Which is nice of you, Will.

I actually find that liberating, because. You don't have to learn lines. You don't learn lines, and people come in the room and say things like, O'Brien. And you're just like, you know, yes, chief. And.

Let me ask you something. It's fun. It's really fun. When is the last. I kept saluting everybody.

I kept saluting everybody. But when is the last time you had to learn lines? Because I was in all your stuff on prompter. Don't hit me.

It's not all on prompter. Yes, I've never conquered the movie realm, as all of you have. But one day I will. These cheekbones will not go to waste. But I mean, is that something like have you always wanted to do like a regular scripted show?

No, no, I never have. I've never wanted anything. I like to say things the minute I think of them. And I'm very happy in this. That this silly world works, because I used to work.

My job was to try and think of what's the cleverest thing. And I loved it. Slash also found it to be incredibly difficult. Well, when you started to go and you started to perform, obviously, you maybe didn't have to learn lines, but you did so many great classic sketches on all your shows. They were unbelievable.

And you had the incredible comedic, you know, sketch comedians working with you. They did great stuff. But when you were writing sketches and things for other people, was that frustrating? No, I have to say, because I was writing. I mean, this is a very, I'm sure a very young crowd.

Our demo is very young. I know that's not true, but it's good for advertising.

And, by the way, thank you for your service in the Korean conflict.

I saw them loading in the crowd and they were like, I can do it myself.

It better not be Conan O'Brien tonight.

But. But writing sketches. I was writing for, you know, Data Carvey and Mike Myers, and, you know, Adam Sandler and all these people. And I never looked at what they were doing and thought. That should be me.

I knew that they could do these things that I couldn't really do. That wasn't what I was interested in. I knew that I had to be Conan myself to be funny. So I never envied them. I envied them the attention and all that.

But those moments when you write something and you think like, oh, the joke would have been funny. Would it have been 15 percent better if they hit this? Like, did that ever? Those guys are so good. And that's the thing is.

I was working with people that were so great. I think if I had been working on some show that I didn't really respect, I might be thinking, why not me? Why not me? But I was never in that situation. When you say you're really excited to do something where you can say what you're thinking of, right, when you're thinking of it like you can on your show.

Or this medium. What we're trying to be disciplined about on this and on the podcast is not to get canceled by just saying the first thing. Because that happens. How did you, I would imagine. How did you avoid it?

Because, honestly, you're so ripe. You're so ripe to be canceled. I have a lot of controversial views that my friends know about. I'd like to air them out right here. Good idea.

But when you're dealing with. I believe science has yet to prove. Wait, wait, wait, no. Wait, Conan, no. Don't do it.

Has anyone seen the virus?

What I was going to bring up was the touchy thing was that your Christmas party and that you did invite Bateman. Oh, yeah. Let's get into this. We're not close. Wait a second.

So this is true. We're not close. After I came to your, so Jimmy and I were there at your party and then we went over to our other friends after. And Jason was there and Bateman's like, why are you guys so late? I said, oh, well, we were at Conan's.

Oh, you were at Conan's Christmas party? What, my phone number doesn't work? Yeah. Everybody at this other party was either fresh from your party or set to leave for your party. Can I explain?

I can explain to you in one quick gesture. There were 400 people. Yeah. This is all so real. There is a very simple reason why you have not been invited to my Christmas party and why you will never be invited to my Christmas party.

And that's that you came to my house one time. No. And you sat down. Yes, you did. And you planted yourself in the corner.

And I have kids. I have little kids.

That's fair. No, I had like a, you know, the legendary Bob Newhart comes to my party every year. One of the great comic icons of all time. And you people know, because you're all in your late 70s.

And I can't have you sitting across from him rubbing up against me. I played his son in a television show. Television series, you dick. Yeah, I know.

But you didn't come. I couldn't come. Couldn't come or wouldn't come? The last one. No, I couldn't make it.

Who can't make it to a Conan O'Brien party? If I said to this crowd right now, we're all going back to Conan's place.

This is Sean with his dog. What's that dog's name again? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get into it. Dickie.

Ricky. Ricky. He brings the dog wherever he goes. I have a lot of anxiety. It's like a child, because he's still a puppy.

So I don't want to leave it alone for more than two hours. I freak out. But next year, I will go. Also, we have a tradition at our Christmas party, which is called Catch the Puppy. Yeah, yeah.

We toss it around. Brutal. Sean knows about it. I'm like, they're going to do it.

And we will be right back.

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And now, back to the show. Wait, I want to ask you something. because you've been so successful at being a host and a talk show host. For all of those years, you were always at the top of your game. One of the funniest, if not the funniest, host of all time, I think.

No, no, no. Yeah.

Even the best audio editor in the world can't fix that gap.

Between what Sean said... Let's try one more time. An entire Wang Center filled with Bostonians going...

I'll try it again. One of the funniest, if not... One of the nine best. One of the funniest, if not the funniest host of all time.

Look, you're picturing it. No, no, because I don't want to miss one. And then you did your own show on TBS, right? Yeah, called Conan. That's right.

And how did you guys come up with that?

But now you have this incredibly successful podcast. What is it about hosting and interviewing people? Have you ever gotten tired of the forum?

Of interviewing? Yeah. I find this to be really fun. This is just... And I will say the first thing I think to myself.

when I leave a stage like this. I'll think this tonight, the first thing I leave. A, I'll think, I was not paid.

I got a smart list beer cozy.

We all know how much I love me a beer cozy. And then I will... The thing I will think about when I leave is this is not a job. This is... I mean, and I said this to you when I was on your podcast.

You know, you find three people anywhere, any one of whom I'd be delighted to hang out with and screw around with. But only invite two to a party.

Well... Get your hand off cock and maybe the invitations start to flow. But was there ever a point where it did feel laborious and you're like, yeah. A little bit right there.

Well, you're... As a host, I mean. No, no, I...

I will...

I... You know, it's called a volume business. So you guys are all out doing... That doesn't mean you have to yell. But yeah.

Okay. It's called a volume business. And so I did like four or five shows a week for 28 years. And what happens sometimes is that you're... You're waiting for the applause again?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

But... That's so impressive. But the thing is, of course there's a part where it's a night where... I mean, one of my favorite stories ever is the hilarious... One of the funniest people ever is Mr.

Martin Short. And Martin Short is just... The best. A treasure. He is one of...

Maybe all of us, I think, when he's around, we all like... We like, okay, okay, it's Martin Short. So there was a night many years ago where I'm... And I've been doing this for years and years, and I'm slogging through. And unlike tonight, you know,

let's say, because you're doing so many shows and you're doing three guests a night, sometimes there's a guest on who maybe you don't want to talk to, but you have to. And it's 1.20 in the morning and they're here and you might as well deal with it.

That definitely pointed at you. Definitely was a point at you. No, no, no. But what happened was... There.

it is, see? So Martin Short was the first guest. Destroys, hilarious. Then he moves down the couch and he's right where you are and I'm sitting here and the next guest comes, and I'm not being mean or anything. I honestly don't remember who it was.

It was an actress who had been modeling, but now she was transitioning into acting. Wow, what a story. Yeah, and her publicist had said, like, make sure you get that and that she's transitioning now into acting, because we're moving to the next phase. I love that you don't want to say who it is, but yet we can Google Conan O'Brien, Marty Short. There's probably three choices.

Yeah, but this means I have it both ways. I'm a nice guy. Right. But fuck whoever that is.

So anyway, I'm sitting in the chair and this person comes out, they sit next to me and Martin Short's right where you are and I'm getting through the interview and then I see that question, and it's just an awkward, lame question, but I gotta do my job. That's a moment where I thought, I really wish I wasn't here. So anyway, yeah, this is, that's great. That's a funny story. You know, I'm curious.

You were a model and you modeled for a long time, and now you're transitioning to acting. Which one do you prefer? Do you prefer the modeling or the acting? And she paused before she answered. and Marty's right where Will is and leans forward, so that only I can see him, not the audience, and goes...

Big shit. I'll do this because it's radio or audio or podcast. I said, give a big, I can't wait to hear. I'm hanging on every word.

So I start to laugh, but I'm biting on the side of my mouth and she's saying, well, you know, it's tricky. I love modeling but also acting. but then there's acting, but then there's modeling and I'm like, and he's going, ooh, the whole time and I'm losing it and I'm biting so hard that I'm bleeding in my mouth and then I go like, well, anyway, it was really good talking to you. We'll take a break. We'll be right back.

Band plays and I get up and I walk around the couch and Marty's sitting there acting like he had done nothing, and I leaned in and said into his ear while the band's playing, I'm just trying to make a living, you fucking asshole.

Yeah. And he and I talk about that all the time. He took a moment that was like, oh, shit, this is a job too. That's one of my favorite things that's ever happened. But with somebody like Martin Short, you don't have to stick to the pre sort of deterrent, because for Tracy,

when I was working with him, and let's hear it for Tracy.

We are, just as a quick sideline, we are going to see Tracy soon, aren't we? Yeah, we're going to see Tracy next week. We're really excited. We're going to see Tracy. And for those who don't know, Tracy is Sean's sister, who doesn't know a lot about the business, and so we always have to do an aside.

Wait, now we're doing. for people who don't know who Tracy is. Scott's so fucking mad at me. Wow, so many ways. So there, so you usually, you don't predetermine how the interview is going to go, but you talk with somebody who works for the talk show host and you kind of say, well, what subjects are you comfortable talking about?

And you kind of work out where an interview could go, what the questions might be, what the answers might be. That's sort of like a fail safe if somebody doesn't know how to have a conversation. What do you say? the ratio is between guests that stick to the questions because of their comfort level or lack of conversation skills and those you can just kind of freestyle, like Marty? People.

that freestyle are rare. Super rare. And you know what's interesting?

Absolutely true, I've noticed this over all these years of doing this, which is that there's something about the United Kingdom. There's something about guests that have come from that environment. They are raconteurs. They tell a story. And I swear to God, years and years and years of talking to just terrific, great story, British actors, and they don't almost need a pre-interview.

You can just talk to them and they're funny and lovely and they're finishing your sentence. What's that?

You gotta say it in a British accent. What'd you say? I said sentences, didn't I?

No, but when I was younger, just starting in the business, all the talk shows, they instilled the fear of God in you about sticking to the question. But that's a mistake. I would always say,

I would sometimes go on other talk shows and they would sort of start in the early days to promote my talk show and they would drill me on the story like, say it again, say it again. And I think that's not how human beings interact and people at home can tell. this is kind of phony. If you had a time machine, is that the thing you would go and change? We never did that.

We didn't do that. There's other things I would change. Would you go and seek out a young Sean Hayes and say, this is a mistake?

There's so many people, I would go to and say, this is a mistake.

If you had a time machine, where would you take it? What would you do?

Fascinating question. It's right off the top of the list. By the way, you're not using it right now, are you? You didn't come from the future. I did.

What the fuck? This podcast has a year to go.

I'm sorry, it's hugely successful, and then it just drops off. Who dies? Conan, who dies? No, no, no one dies. Conan, Conan, Conan.

Oh, Jesus. Let's just say one of you gets canceled because you decide to take public transportation.

and you start a little crotch fire.

I need a present. No, no, no, I am coming from the future to tell you, enjoy this while it lasts. You spent way too much money on very dangerous merchandise. What would you do with the time machine? It's my favorite question.

It's a terrible question. It's a no-win question. What about a rock concert? You got to go back in time to see one band that no longer is together. I would go back and see me.

I'd see Hall and Oates just before they broke up for the last time two years ago. They reunited like 15 times. I'd go back and see them one last... No, I'm kidding.

I love the idea that it's a group that broke up like a year ago.

and now they're back together again. I want to go see The Temptations, not the one with the original guy. Those original guys suck. I saw them two years ago in Atlantic City. I want to go back in time and relive that because I lost my parking validation.

You want to go to the set of the music video of the Beach Boys' Kokomo.

Do you have any questions for Conan? Did you do, knowing that he is a raconteur? One of the greats, maybe.

Did you think you didn't need any questions? I do have some questions, but now that we're in a conversation, what am I going to ask him? One of Sean's questions? That's color. We already covered Time Machine.

Can I ask a question? You guys famously, and it's a brilliant idea, and I'm a big fan of the show, two of you never know who the guest is, so you're not prepared. One of you does know. Of the people who are unprepared, who's just the worst at just coming up with something? Come on, Will, come on.

I'm probably the worst. Have you ever been talking to someone and you just didn't even know who they were? Yes. Who? Well, I don't want to say.

That's hilarious. Grandma doesn't really know a lot. My favorite thing is on the show Project Runway,

whenever they bring out, they say, guess what? We got a special, and they bring out these amazing people. sometimes. I guess I don't know a lot about fashion, but sometimes they clearly couldn't get someone. Okay, that's nice.

I walked through an ice storm to get here.

I'm watching it and every now and then they'll be like, guess who our special judge is this week? And they'll say, it's Heinrich Liebman.

And you can tell.

they have to act like Jesus has come into the room. And they're like, ah! And then it cuts to the interview, right, part where they go, I can't believe what you're saying. It's Heinrich Liebman. It's Heinrich Liebman.

I don't know who the person is, and I know that that would be, for example, and I'm not name dropping, though maybe I might be, I recently, the last person I interviewed.

was Heinrich Liebman. Anyway, achieving the impossible, I think, is our goal in this industry. So what I did is, I studied because you got to know your shit when you're talking to a Supreme Court justice. And I was thinking, what if I had just been on this show and Supreme Court Justice Sotomayor came out and sat down and then, yeah, well, no, you're doing that. Bateman's, rubbing himself in the corner and he's like, would you want a cheese doodle or like a nacho cheese?

Do you want the puffy cheese? But see, by the way, do you remember the name of the show is Smart List? Yes. Yes. Listen, when you guys, true story, these guys were adrift, came to me a couple of years ago and they knew that I was, had a huge podcast and they were like, what do we do?

And I was like, guys, you're each individually funny. I said, two of you really have the goods. And I said, and I said, you'll be great together. I mean, it was embarrassing. My daughter was there and said, why are those grown men crying?

And I said, I'll handle this. And I said, guys, just relax. You're going to be great. And the format should be, and I remember you guys were like, and I said, just, you know, how about two of you don't know who the guest is and call it, you know, dumb brain or something. And you guys were like, and you ran away.

You got on small, little, little child's bicycles and drove away, and you were banging into each other as you went over the hill.

That's a true story of how Smart List was created. You guys have heard Conan's podcast before, right? A lot of you. It's a great podcast. Thank you.

And I've done it. I've done it a couple of times. You ought to get Bateman on there. No. Yeah.

And we're good. And it's you and people who work for you and who feel, who have to, who are obligated to laugh. So, because their jobs depend on it, right? Is that true? It's not just that their jobs depend on it.

If they don't laugh, pain, there's physical pain. I'm not above hitting someone who works for me. Do you like... And there I got canceled. Oh, no.

You were wondering when it would happen. Do you see how close you are? Always. Always on the edge. Well, let me ask you, forget it, because this is the question.

It's so boring. Everybody's like, how hard is it to be a comedian right now? It's not that hard. You just fucking, right? It's not hard at all.

But there is that thing, you have moments. Yeah, no. Back to Jason's question. It's like, what do you do to edit yourself? Is there stuff you want to say?

but you have to edit yourself right away? Well, here's the thing I will say. that's absolutely true. There's a way. all of us, I know you guys are planning some, whatever, big surprise meal for me after this is payment.

I imagine it's all been set up. I hope you like California Pizza Kitchen. We'll be slamming them back. But no, in all seriousness, there is a way that people who work in comedy, we riff and we talk about and we get going on things. And some of the fun is saying things that would, that are totally outrageous.

And it's funny because, I mean, the most moral, ethical people I've met, I've worked in comedy, and they'll go on a long riff about something completely, you know, immoral and unethical. But it's really funny because you know them and you know that they're doing a joke about how wrong that would be if they were to do that. Just to make you laugh. Just to make me laugh. And the rooms, I mean, that's what I've always felt like.

It has to be a safe space. A room where comedy is being invented has to be a safe space where everyone feels comfortable and to be completely, completely politically incorrect. But the problem is you have to make sure that when you go out in the world, you're not saying that stuff. And also, like connecting with people who actually hold those views which are abhorrent to us. That's not the purpose of it.

The purpose is to find funny things. And you know, I always think about, like, there are characters, that, Job from Arrested Development, he's a pretty despicable guy. Yeah. Good. Thank you.

But like, he's a despicable guy, but I understood how, completely off the rails, he was. Right. And I'm not endorsing that kind of behavior. What I'm saying is it's absurdly ridiculous how he is and thinks. Yes.

And I think the fun in all the great classic comedy of all time is someone being completely inappropriate in a situation. And so, But it's gotta come from the actor playing that character as ignorant as opposed to intolerant. And therein lies your skill with Job. You always looked a little dumb, as opposed to, as opposed to, I don't know how much of it was intentional or talent or what, but there was, See that, look right there? Look at that, look right there.

Yeah. They did a thing, I didn't even know this, that they spent, I mean, hundreds of thousands of dollars in editing, adding a light of intelligence to Will's eyes. Right. Like a presence, just a presence, that they had to go frame by frame, and that's how video works. Well, the key is to also is to try to make the, What's the key?

To make the joke on you. Yes. So it was always about making the joke, you know, I'm the asshole, I'm the idiot, and it's not mean spirited. Right. And also motive is a huge contributing factor too.

Right. What are your motives when you're saying the thing? Is it to injure somebody? Cause? then that's wrong.

If the motive is to be funny and to have a laugh and hopefully not injure somebody but to make light, then And you were always so generous with that on, on your show and continue to do. Your whole brand of comedy is you're never trying to posture, you're never trying to be the cool kid, there are some folks. I was trying very hard. I was trying, You were trying? I was trying so fucking hard to be the cool kid.

Are you serious? This is me being the cool? No, I, But that's why.

No, I realized very early in my life like, oh, I'm not cool. I'm not a good athlete. Thank you, audience, for recognizing that immediately.

I'm not all these things, but then taking store of what I did have and saying I'm going to be honest about that which is, Yeah. It was clear at the very start, like remember when. sorry, remember when you first, when you first came on, nobody knew by design, nobody knew who you were. you were a newcomer to camera, but you were obviously with your, your background and your education, and then working on SNL and all that stuff. All writers knew who you were.

I remember watching your very first monologue and I went. oh, I get it, because you were so human and so winning, and so us. Yeah, I get it. that's why you did it for 20 years. Well, we almost got.

I mean it was two years on the air of constantly being this close to getting cancer. Yeah, were you worried? every day you were going to get a cold? No, seriously, we did the first. we got through a year and then they said we're breaking your contract down, which is completely unheard of in our business to.

I think it was three. it was three months at a time. Whoa, So we'll renew you three months at a time, and people don't know that, because people, just you know, a lot of people here and I meet so many people now who said well, I started watching you, you know, when I was 15, and now I'm 75, and so they have no idea that it's so interesting how people have a different perspective. they look at everyone on this stage and they just think well, you've always been at this place and they don't understand. no, no, we'll take.

you know, we've all been everybody here who might even be interested in doing this or want to try it, and you come here and you see the people that you like on a stage, or some of them, and.

and and then, no, but you you see us and you think, oh you have, they just got to be that, and it's not the case. like I'm very, I think the thing Like it just happened to them. you mean? Yeah, I think I'm very much, constantly in touch and I think the people that I like in this business, which includes everyone here, I think we're, we're really in touch with the fact that we know what it's like to have people look right through us, we know what it's like to not have any of that status, and I'm still connected to that.

We'll be right back.

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And now back to the show.

You had to go through all that stuff too, especially going through the three months at a time whatever. you had to do it all in front of America. so you had all that stress every day showing up and you had people saying we're not sure if this Conan like writing stuff, because they write mean shit. How were you able to stay loose and be funny on the show, knowing that your head was on the floor? Well, what helps for me is the work.

so the magic for me was if we had done, let's say, my show had been kind of a Saturday Night Live type of show, where it was once a week. I'm not even kidding about this. I probably would've gone to a mental hospital and been treated and the show would've gone away, because it was so much You don't have time to think about it. You don't have time because I'd do a show. I'd come to work in the morning and they'd say did you see this thing in the paper?

And it's literally like a three page spread 75 reasons why it would be great if Conan just died. You know? I mean I'm really not exaggerating that much, because what we were doing just looked so wrong to people and I looked weird. and what's this with his name and the hair? You also had Richter there holding your hand the whole time.

Wow, What a gap That's. another gap we can't take out. That's that one. You just mentioned a name that's never mentioned in my house. I wanted to say this segment is sponsored by Prevagen.

Go ahead. Oh, can I say one thing, though really quickly? We had to do the show that day and there were terrible things, but you were. you said something. that absolutely is true.

talk about a time machine. if I went back into a time machine and had to try and do that show without Andy, I wouldn't have lasted three days. I'm serious, I am serious. He's the funniest. He's one of the funniest guys we all know.

But also he was right there. he was right there by me, next to me, and there were times when I didn't have it and he would just say something, and he was in the early days. he was just money in the bank. and also I remembered he's just like this big, warm presence, big guy, and like this. no, no, he's this like big, warm presence, and so literally he was comforting.

he was comforting to me, like he's the physically strongest person in comedy. He is so strong. He is so crazy strong, I mean physically. we used to just laugh. I think we went to Yankee Stadium once to play softball and I think Andy hit a home run with a softball and everyone was like shit and he was like let's go, I'm tired of this.

I saw your Christmas party with a plate full of heave and I both got a plate full of ham. you would have loved it. it was great. but I do want to remember the toast I gave at the party at the end when I said this room is filled with everyone. everyone that means something to me.

remember that? do I remember it? are you kidding me? Tom Hanks was crying on my shoulder. it wasn't originally the plan.

it wasn't the plan to have Andy on the show, was it? Andy was hired as a writer, but I knew right away I want to get him.

I think it would be good if you guys did a little research.

listen. no, I was going to say that you, let's, meet on a subway the four of us, you, but talking about those years, Jason, we were talking about it today or the other day. we were talking about you, were talking about those moments where you were in your 20's. you had already had your first show and then you were doing maybe a pilot every couple years and going through those years and everybody sort of thinks oh no, you're doing like what you were saying you're fine, you're Jason Bateman, you're doing fine and you're like man. I'm just trying to be the fucking man that is, at the risk of being overly sincere.

it's like something that's really important to me is that people hear this message because I am, I remember, with great clarity, looking at people that whatever have the position that I have now and thinking well, that's them, but I could never get to do that. and being as sure of that as I am, like the sun comes up in the east and goes down in the west, which is actually how it works. look at, look at Sean's face, just bewildered, but yeah, you know, I actually, I was just thinking. my friend Dave McLaughlin and his wife Beth are here tonight. they're good old friends of mine, Dave, Beth, why don't you guys stand up?

and I used to I don't know where they are, and they're two of my oldest friends and I used to sleep on their floor in their house, in their apartment in L.A. I'd go out for auditions or whatever and just trying and starving and couldn't pay the rent, and it was the kindness of people like that and I so appreciate. I love that. I love talking about this stuff because people don't know. are you trying to cut off Dave and Beth?

no, because when we first started hanging out decades ago, I would go over to your apartment and your next door neighbor in the apartment next door, like on the same thing, was Bradley Cooper. yeah, and it was like yeah, but he was really fat then, yeah.

remember how fat Bradley Cooper was. he was one of those people that they had to take a wall out of the house to get him to the hospital. he was a cut out and Sean's from Illinois. you don't have to explain that to him, but.

the first time. yeah, did you ever win? no, no, no, he, just he scored a ticket.

I know so many of my friends that could do my job, that could be in this position, and I looked around and I was like God, we're all lucky. every single person here is lucky. no one more than you do you do you? you know, Sean, I mean you really just I mean you.

we've all. you know, in a city like this in Boston, you'll see people that clearly have a ton of money. they've made it in tech, they live out in some fancy suburb and they're hanging out at the Four Seasons and sometimes there's this air they have of. I'm here because I deserve it and I want to say I don't know what your story is, but all of us are lucky, we're just lucky, and so that's something that gets like. it's weird when it's weird because actually, by the way, finance is the thing that's kind of taken over.

there are probably a lot of finance people and the only person we apologize to is Dan Dees. Dan Dees, the best is the best, but it's yeah, it's created a whole class of when someone has got you know whatever bet well on crypto or something, and then they're kind of acting to me like, well, you know, some of us know what we're doing and I think, fuck you, no, but wait, don't you think that to all of what we're talking about that you can like? I'm not going back on my word, but it takes a little bit of luck, but you can manifest a little bit of it by creating goals and writing them down and achieving certain milestones as you go away, as you go, as you go along. I don't think there's a better analogy in the world than the one-armed bandit in I. just that's the way I always that's.

I don't know if you. you know gambling's a problem for you, but you recoiled when I did that. from this angle, it wasn't a real jackpot poll you were doing. you know when you go to, this guy is unreal. you are so on one track.

but you know when you go to Las Vegas and those machines and you pull the lever, oh yeah, or the knobs, the knobs. but then you're pulling that lever and you got to really pull and it breaks off, and it breaks off. yeah, it's the worst, but then the coins come shooting out.

wait, I got one thing to say. what I wanted to finish with your point was that it is yes, luck is important, luck is a crucial thing, and I want to give it up to luck. but persistence, man, yes, that's what I mean. yes, I think actually persistence is. there's just a tiny persistence group here.

that's the name of their bitcoin company. they all came in one bus, but, like my, thing is just like if you just keep going at it from different angles and keep pulling the lever. but there's also discipline, and there's work, ethic and studying hard at school and stuff. I know that you were educated here too. what were the school years like for you here?

were you a good student or were you a little hellcat out around town? yeah, you know. funny, you asked me the time machine question. yep, and I'm not kidding for my, I mean obviously the time machine question is tricky because it's a classic question. yeah, it's the question of someone.

that's the question someone has in their back pocket when they don't research, uh.

time machine. soda mayor. um, pull the card out, I don't know. I was just telling you my views on Roe v. Wade time machine.

time to talk Jason. yeah, yeah, yeah, no, uh, I would. I would go back and have people not know where I went to college, because I do think early in my career especially, people had preconceived notions of their, and so sometimes people would act like, oh, this show you're gonna do is gonna be some like smart, and I'm like, no, I like a masturbating bear. I like, uh, I like the silliest things in the world and I kind of wish that people didn't know where I went to school. I was very.

I worked really hard to go there. I was a grind and I worked um even all those years. I was writing comedy in college and, and performing it, I I was still a really hard worker. so well, do you, do you think now? so get, sort of this is on top of what we were talking about.

how does it feel, is it, when you come back to Boston specifically after those years of grinding in high school and going to college, and now you're in front of this crowd who clearly adores you for some reason?

why is that? is that satisfying? is that bizarre? does that register for you? do you?

do you? can you acknowledge that? go like hey, I'm getting better at it. for a long time I didn't, people would write nice things or nice things would happen and I'd go like and I would just push it aside. but you used to go down these same streets.

you'd come into town, I imagine, with your folks and do stuff and maybe come to this very theater and see shows and whatever. I don't think this was here. was the Wang even here? I think the Wang was built. no, the Wang's been here.

the Wang's been here for 300 years.

I think when the first settlers arrived, the Wang theater was here. I remember it's the first thing they built and they're like the acoustics are okay, be good for a podcast, but I mean you walked around this. no, no, I very much in touch with the fact that I've been extremely fortunate. the thing I think about all the time is that my grandfather my grandparents on my mother's side grew up in Worcester, Massachusetts, and they yeah, my grandfather directed traffic in downtown Worcester. that was his career and he got paid.

I love that movie, he where he amazing. he got paid $55 a week. and whenever anything happens in show business where someone tells me well, if we you know, you just did a year of talk shows, and so this is how much we're going to. I'm very humbled by shit. this is unbelievable.

and I think about, you know my grandfather, who I refuse to acknowledge in his lifetime. wow, by the way, for no reason at all. I just was very, you know. just a quick Harvard little story. Jason was honored with the tasty pudding.

it would mean so much, and we followed your career with bated breath, and it's going to be the biggest thing ever. and I forwarded you that yeah, yeah, exactly. but it's like the letter will go on and on and it will say um, dear Conan, and then the last name is terribly misspelled, and I'll think you didn't. you don't fucking care about me at all. like you didn't even check.

it takes a second. this is getting back to our our email conversation. it's like motherfucker, can't you just put a comma in there, or something like or? or. they knew what they were doing and they wanted this reaction from you.

in fairness, when I walked out here and saw you, I was like Patrick. you know I was excited to see Patrick Bateman.

well, I tell you, I tell you we've been excited to see you. yes, hey, that's a great transition for a guy who has to get out. are we doing a commercial? well, no, I mean you know. no, that that's, I have to say.

this is, um, I will repeat my mantra this is not work, this is, uh, and it's been a long two years for all of us, and a lot of us have been missing, being together and having an audience. and so, seriously, yeah, and when I got, when I got, when Will said would you want to come out and and be on smart list in Boston and I was, I was just like. this is like I want a contest. so, thank you guys. seriously, no, really, this is nice.

this is really nice. this is, by the way, I I echo that we do too. this is this is such a thrill for us to do this, to do this tour, to come here to Boston to see you guys. yeah, to do with such a good buddy who we all love. and you are so hilarious and you've always been the best.

you've always been so kind to all of us, yeah, over the years. well, we're gonna work on, we're gonna work on it, and let me broker. let me broker the Christmas. I'll just park cars at the party. okay, I just want to be on the ground.

you want to be on the ground? yeah, okay, there's some pretty heavy hitters, some big a-listers at these parties, and you might get a little giddy. he's not kidding? yeah, yeah it is. it is filled with a-listers.

well, what are you gonna do? listen, I gotta go, I'm meeting Tom Brady.

you guys, how great is it.

that was great. wow, that was great. you know he. I had no idea how short he is. yeah, I know, those are lifts.

it's all lifts. those are lifts. you should come back out here and admit to the lifts. so what didn't you ask him? go ahead, I mean you didn't go here once.

no, I didn't want to. we were having a conversation. did you guys SNL the stuff about Simpsons? yeah, I know, late night they know all that. you have his name misspelled.

yeah, you didn't even need him. you're a great interviewer.

they love you, that's.

I bet you, Johnny Carson went longer? yeah, but 28 years, yeah, with very yeah, with various shows. I mean it has to be well yeah, with all the shows, yeah, that's crazy, I don't know. but you guys, when I was a young actor, oh, here we go work. no, it's, it's, it's just gonna be a few minutes.

it's more of a monologue than anything. so no, but I remember, you know, watching Conan late on, late night and just watching it, all those sketches and watching his had to watch his monologue had to watch, yes, always, I didn't care who the guest was, I just wanted to see those get and, as a young actor, was so inspiring. yes, but, and what I loved about him to like, I started watching when I was in college and I was like, oh, that guy has the same sense of humor as me. it's like a little wacky and it's not like I'm doing a stilted monologue. now I'm gonna talk to.

I guess it was different. it was so different and it's still different and he's still doing all this. what was that right? this is my not gonna do. this is my talk show host, who doesn't know how he what he's doing?

incredible, thank you, you're looking at me and all I'm doing is trying to think up a by. I'm trying to think maybe.

something about him being by coastal with. don't, let's, don't, don't do it out loud, we can, I think I. well, if you just repeat the name of the guest that we just had, there's something in there, maybe goodbye, thank you.

as writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries, so when suspicion turned to Dan's wife Nancy, we weren't that surprised. the first person they look at would be the spouse. we understand that's usually the way they do it, but we began to wonder had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels? there are murders in all of the books that she was playing them out in real life. follow happily, never after Dan and Nancy.

on the one three app or wherever you get your podcasts. you can binge all episodes of. happily. never after Dan and Nancy. early and ad free right now by joining one three plus.