when toxic becomes trendy [video]

Things become trendy because a lot of people are participating in the trend, so something that's morally wrong or unsafe, or unhealthy can become trendy. Just as long as enough people are participating. I think the danger of toxic trends is that their trendiness and their popularity can sort of serve as a mask. That covers up how truly fucked up the trend might be. Which is why people who wouldn't otherwise participate in an activity or participate in a certain belief suddenly do. When a lot of people do something, it becomes normalized. And so something that is actually harmful and bad and toxic and not good might start to look a little bit more appealing once everyone else is doing it.

I think it's important to discuss toxic trends, because by simply becoming aware of their existence, we can make a better effort to avoid participating in them. Or trends like them. You know, only recently have I become so hyper aware of various toxic trends in our culture. And I think the main reason why I've become so hyper aware of them is because.

I've been tempted by some of these trends, I've been tempted to sort of participate. Because they've become so normalized that I've felt like, well, if everyone else is doing it, then why don't I do it?

And I've had to use a lot of discipline to not participate in a lot of these trends. So here's what we're going to do. Okay, let me lay it out, let me lay out what we're going to do. What's our little activity for the day?

Let me lay it out. So I am going to discuss various toxic trends that I've seen or experienced online or in person within the last year or two. And I'm going to discuss why I think they became a trend, I'm going to discuss why I think they are so toxic. And I'm going to discuss how we can change our perspective about the specific trend in a way that would allow us to rise above the temptation and to not participate, let's start out with toxic dating. Okay, here we go.

So here's what I've been seeing online. Number one, a lot of talk around playing games in dating, I'm talking about playing hard to get, playing mind games.

Manipulating, etc. and the argument is that the only way to get someone to truly fall in love with you is to play games and manipulate. Because people's attention spans when it comes to dating are a bit shorter nowadays because you can go on a dating app and see 50 different options if you want. But regardless of that being an issue, it's still not productive to be playing games with people. And that's something that I've seen, discussed a lot on the internet. I've also seen people blatantly romanticizing, hurting their partner's feelings, or hurting a one-night-stand's feelings.

Or, you know, there's this sort of casual conversation happening online about just being a total asshole to your partner, whether that's a long-term partner or a short-term partner. And a lot of people look at it as sort of empowering. Listen, there's nothing empowering about breaking someone's heart or messing with their feelings and hurting them. There's nothing empowering about that. And I see people just casually talking about how they ghosted this person and they were so upset, but it was like such a badass move.

And it's like, Is it, though? I mean, Yeah, I get it. You're in the power position because you were the one that got to shut the whole thing down and you're a heartbreaker in all of this. But that's not a romantic empowering situation, in my opinion, like the act of hurting someone else is never empowering. I also see some discourse around sort of using other people for a one-night stand or something. Just to make someone else jealous, or even at times, just dating someone to make someone else jealous.

And that sort of being considered like a power move at times, again, that's not a power move. That's just fucking with someone else's life. And it's looking at things from a very one-sided perspective. And all things romantic, involving two people, should be looked at from both perspectives and a story.

If you're looking at the story from just your corner, that's not good because two people are involved in the situation, right? And so you might think, well, you know. I got together with someone new super fast after my relationship ended and it made my ex super jealous. And they are so fucking heartbroken and pissed. I'm thriving and they're not. But actually, I don't even like this person.

Or it was just kind of like, I just kind of use this person to get ahead and be the first one to move on. And I don't actually really care about them. Like, that's not fair to the other person for one, but it's also not fair to you. And it's a little toxic also sneaking behind your partner's back.

This has become kind of normalized, too, in a way that I find sort of bizarre, because what really should be happening is confrontation and conversation.

You should never have to go behind someone's back in order to find the information that you need. The truth is, if you don't trust your partner to the point that you're going on their phone, then you either need to have a serious conversation or you just need to break up. Here's my thing. It gets a little sticky when you're trying to figure out if your partner's cheating or something or lying to you about something.

And it might be tempting to go on their phone because, for whatever reason, you don't trust them and you need cold heart evidence. And they're not telling you to your face if you don't trust them. To the point that you would go on their phone and check and make sure. I just don't think that that's a healthy relationship. I think you should break up before you're ever on the phone. Do you see what I'm saying?

Because if this person is so sketchy to you and maybe they are in real, maybe they are, I mean, they're sketchy to you because they actually are kind of doing sketchy stuff. Then you shouldn't be together. You know, it's tough, though, I mean, it's.

It's so situational. But I just think that invading your partner's privacy and reading through their texts and stuff when that's not something that you've discussed prior. Personally, it doesn't feel good to me and it doesn't feel healthy. Now. You might disagree and say, you know, when you're in a relationship together, it's your right to check their phone and see if they're cheating or something. I don't know if I agree.

I don't know, that just feels like crossing a boundary to me. That's not fair, and if it can't be resolved through communication, it should just.

Dissolve altogether, and the relationship should end. I don't know.

I see a lot of talk about how vulnerability can be unattractive now. I've never seen it said like that deliberately, but what I have seen is people talking about how, you know, they shouldn't express.

How much they truly like or love someone? Because that can be sort of a turnoff. You know, you shouldn't tell your partner about your problems or your challenges.

Because?

That can make you look weak, you know? I've seen different conversations about this. And all of it falls under the umbrella of avoiding vulnerability as a way to stay in a power position. As a way to present as this strong, tough, mysterious partner, you know, so that your partner doesn't fully really know you. And they kind of.

Are forced to romanticize you still because they're not seeing that vulnerable side, they only see your strong side. So they're kind of just stuck in this limbo of looking at you as this character, this romanticized version of yourself. In a way. And that's just not, that's just not good. Last but not least, I see a lot of, a lot of blaming online, you know?

People are constantly blaming their ex for what happened. I have never once, I'm not going to lie, I've never once seen someone come out and say, you know, my ex and I broke up because I fucked up.

I quite literally have never heard someone say that, and can I be honest? I've never said that like, I'm guilty, though, too. I have never once taken the blame, if you will.

But I think it's become sort of normalized to just blame your ex for everything, and don't get me wrong. We all have some exes who really did a number on us, and some of us more than others, and that's not to be ignored. OK, I'm not saying that everyone's ex is innocent and we're just blaming them because there are ex. You know that, No.

But I also think that there are a lot of times when we ignore our own actions.

Because it's just so much easier to blame it on the ex, you know? And so these are all things that I've seen online that I've just sort of not felt quite right, you know, they just haven't felt quite right to me. But it makes sense to me why. It's sort of become a trend to date in a way that's toxic. Number one dating is psychologically challenging in every way, shape or form, when done in a healthy way.

I mean, it's also psychologically challenging when it's done in an unhealthy way, but I would argue dating in a way that's healthy and vulnerable and honest, I mean, that shit is really psychologically challenging. Because when you're in a healthy relationship, you're forced to grow all the time, you're constantly growing to try to be an even better partner in a relationship. And it's interesting because I've heard a lot of people say that being in a good relationship is like looking in a mirror.

And it is very true. The first time I found myself in a healthy relationship, I immediately understood what this meant. Because suddenly, I could see myself through my partner's eyes. And I was like, I have so much I need to work on. But that is not a comfortable thing. Because you'll find that you're facing demons that you didn't want to face, you'll find that you're working through mental blocks that you've had for God knows how long.

You'll find that you're motivated all of a sudden to better yourself in all these different ways, which can be exhausting and as incredible and magical as that can be. It is a lot of work, it is really uncomfortable and it is exhausting. So it makes sense why playing games and hurting others and not being vulnerable is trendy, because.

It's just a lot easier to date that way because you get less hurt. And you don't have to deal with that moment where you're in a healthy relationship. And you have to look in the mirror. If we were to go through, you know, all of the toxic dating trends that I've seen online, every single one has such a clear reason why it's trendy, you know, each individual little trend. Like playing mind games and manipulating in relationships.

Puts you as the manipulator, as the game player, in the power position. So that you're never in a place where you're vulnerable, where you could possibly get hurt. And that can feel good in the moment, but long-term, that will not feel good. I don't ever see a scenario when hurting someone else makes you the winner if you will in a situation. What really makes you the winner is if you rise to the occasion and you're the bigger person. And you handle things with dignity and integrity, and with kindness, even when they don't fucking deserve it. That makes you a winner because not only did you truly do the right thing, but also it helps build your self-esteem.

You know, our self-esteem is built on how we view ourselves, and we know everything that we've ever done. We're the only ones who do, and so we've seen it all, We know what we've done.

And when we do bad things, it can impact our self-esteem over time. In the moment, it might feel empowering because it's like, Ah, I just got revenge and I hurt someone who hurt me, or I hurt someone because of what my ex did, or whatever it might be. And that can feel good in the moment, but long-term, that will not feel good. Let's talk about toxic internet trend category number two.

The obsession with appearance The obsession with appearance has probably existed for as long as we've been able to see ourselves in a reflection. I mean, I can imagine people in 3000 BC just looking in a puddle, looking at themselves in a reflection and being like, Hmm, this is not a good haircut for me. I bet it started that early. But listen, every technological advancement that comes along makes it just a little bit worse, makes our obsession with our appearance just a little bit worse.

I've seen two particularly disturbing trends recently, micro trends, if you will, that are particularly toxic. I've talked enough about our obsession with our appearance and how we present ourselves on social media, et cetera. These two I have yet to tackle, number one. Oh wait, I did tackle this. Okay, well, then I'll keep it brief.

Number one? There's definitely a lot of people showing off their unhealthy relationship with cosmetic surgery and cosmetic procedures. I mean, listen, when it comes to getting cosmetic surgery and cosmetic procedures. It's none of my business to judge what other people do with their face and body. But I will say I have seen quite a few people sort of display their unhealthy relationship with plastic surgery, and that's kind of where I personally draw the line. I've seen some people get surgeries by surgeons that are not necessarily registered plastic surgeons.

I've seen people, you know, find sort of a cheaper, more affordable situation that way. And I've seen articles online about people getting severely injured or killed. That's not good. Okay, I completely understand that, you know, cosmetic procedures are expensive, and I understand the desire to keep up with the trend.

But doing it in a way that's not safe, like that is that's not good. And sort of normalizing. Going to surgeons that are not certified to be doing what they're doing, maybe.

That I can't get behind, that's not necessarily something that's.

Super popular. I mean, I've definitely seen it happening. But what I think is more prominent is people who clearly have an addiction to plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures. And they're displaying this as normal. And you know, I have my own sort of dilemma about this, right? Because on one hand, it's none of my business, right? On one hand, it's completely none of my business. And I don't care what other people do.

But on the other hand, you know, I don't think that there's any way it can be healthy to be constantly getting unnecessary plastic surgery and cosmetic procedures. I just don't know if there's a way that you can argue that that's healthy, I just, I don't know, I don't think that you can. I mean, there are so many different levels of conversation around.

Getting cosmetic procedures done, and it's so complex. Because, you know, on one hand, we should all love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, and we should all allow ourselves to age gracefully. But is that realistic?

And is that for any one person to decide? The whole conversation around the ethics of plastic surgery, I mean, it's a whole conversation. I actually did an episode on it, you can go listen to that, go find it.

Maybe it was good, maybe it wasn't, but I think what I'm specifically touching on here is basically the normalization of a toxic approach to cosmetic procedures. Whether that's by going to surgeons who aren't registered or authorized or certified to be doing what they're doing, or it's by normalizing what may be an addiction to plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures. Okay, but now we have to talk about the latest micro trend under the category of appearance. This is controversial.

Abusing Ozempic for weight loss Okay, so many of you have probably heard of ozempic. It's also known as semaglutide. It is a drug that was approved in 2017 by the U.S Food and Drug Administration for use in adults with type 2 diabetes.

But listen, whatever you want to call it ozempic, semaglutide, it is being abused for weight loss now ozempic, we'll just call it semaglutide. Moving forward. Semaglutide is meant for people who have a health challenge, right? This drug aids in weight loss, right? And for people who have certain health challenges, this is like a miracle drug.

Obviously, no drug is for everyone, but for those who the F.D.A. believe could benefit from this drug, many have benefited from this drug, but the problem is that because it aids in weight loss. A lot of people who do not need it are going to get it and take it and use it in order to lose weight. When they don't have a health condition that would benefit from this medication. Do you see what I'm saying? And what's even crazier about the whole thing? I mean, this is kind of old news, so if you've already heard about this, just humor me here. But what's crazy about this is that because so many people who don't actually need this drug are obsessed with trying to get their hands on it. There's now a shortage and people who actually need the drug, specifically people who have type 2 diabetes, are not able to get their hands on it.

It's a big issue, I will say. This is a particularly toxic trend, you know, abusing a pharmaceutical drug that is not meant for you to lose weight. That's not that can't be good, well, that can't be good. And not only is it unhealthy for those who don't need it. It's not like it's harmless, right?

But also it's taking the drug away from people who could actually have their lives saved by this drug. It's overall pretty fucked up. I mean, it's a sign of a larger problem, you know, around our obsession with weight as a culture. I mean, not necessarily weight, but more just, you know, body shape. I guess. Listen, I mean, growing up I've struggled with this sort of we all have, we all have.

I don't think anyone gets through life without somehow being affected in some way by the conversation around weight. It's definitely not the most positive one. I think it's pretty clear why these two extreme micro trends have become popular. The age of the internet has not been very good for our sense of selves. 50 of our identity is our online identity.

Nowadays, you know, it's not just about who we are in person and what our personality is now, it's also about our internet presence. And a lot of our internet presence is just our physical being. You know what we look like, and in a lot of ways, you know, certain beauty standards are rewarded.

In a way, you might get more likes if you look a certain way. And so it's natural that it becomes a trend that people start, you know, doing whatever it takes, even putting themselves in danger. To fit into the beauty standard, if you will. And it's unfortunate, you know, it's, Listen, I'm not here.

I'm not here with the cure. Okay, I don't fucking know, I don't, I don't know what we do to solve this problem. But I can share how. I've sort of fought against the urge to participate in various micro trends that come with this sort of broader obsession with our appearance. And listen, I'm not perfect because I've had my fair share of moments where, you know, I've felt pressure to maybe look a certain way.

So nobody's safe. But I will say what's really helped me avoid participating in quite a few of them is number one. To really try to focus my energy outward instead of inward. You know, the act of being obsessed with your appearance is the act of focusing all of your energy inward on what you look like. And it feels so good in those moments to take the energy away from yourself and to put it outward in a positive way. Do something nice for someone, literally open a door for someone, go hang out with friends, go to an art class, play music, organize your garage like.

Just do something that allows you to put your energy elsewhere and do something that makes you feel good about yourself. But when you're all focused inward, you think the world revolves around you, you think you are the world almost. And you think that every little imperfection on your body matters. Because you're so focused inward, all of your energy is focused inward, but when you start focusing your energy outward, you start to see how there's a bigger picture.

I also think another thing that can help is to find ways that you can express yourself in a way that enhances your natural features. So, for example, you can decide to wear clothes that you feel enhance your body in a way that's exciting to you. You can find ways to do your makeup that enhance your natural features in a way that feels exciting to you. You can use these art forms in a way you know clothing, makeup, hairstyles.

You can use that as a way to help you accept what you got, because I'll tell you what you got is great. It's so empowering to find ways to enhance your natural features and instead of hiding them, you know, show them off. And last but not least, it's so important to learn how to see yourself for who you are on the inside. Now. This is really hard and this is something I'm still working on.

So I feel bad giving this advice because I don't have it figured out. But it's something I'm constantly working on. Valuing myself for who I am on the inside and trying to basically chip away at all the value I put on my appearance over time. And it's a process, it is a process.

And I don't know if I'm ever going to get it totally right, but it's a journey I'm happy to be on because it's really important. And the way that I personally work on shifting my value from my appearance to my actual true self is doing the right thing. Being generous, being helpful, trying to make others feel good, those are all the things that actually make me feel like a valuable person on the inside. And when I do more of those things, I'm able to slowly but surely chip away the value that I have placed on my appearance.

Okay, and, last but not least, our third category of toxic trends dangerous and edgy. Okay. I've recently seen so many people making cigarettes cool again, everyone is smoking cigarettes again.

Now, there was a little brief period of time where cigarettes were not cool, like nobody was smoking cigarettes. It was all about the vape, and the vape wasn't even cool, like.

I don't think the vape was ever cool, it was always kind of like, EW, but you did it anyway, me included. But now cigarettes are back and they're all the rage, everybody's smoking cigarettes. It's the cool kid thing to do.

It's literally trendy now. I'm not here to bash people who smoke cigarettes because I understand the nicotine addiction. I currently have a nicotine addiction. I'm quitting the vape, you know, I have to use the nicotine pouches and the nicotine gums and all these things. Because I still do have a nicotine addiction that I'm working on, but I don't vape anymore.

So that's good, and I have never smoked cigarettes, actually. To be honest, I really don't like them. They're gross to me. That's just my opinion.

But as much as I think that smoking cigarettes is a toxic trend, I understand the nicotine addiction part of it because it's serious. And I have a whole episode about that if you want to listen to that. But it's just crazy to see cigarettes come back in style because there was just a little period of time where they weren't, and I just never thought that they were going to come back. And everyone knows how dangerous cigarettes are.

Like, it's no secret, but I kind of wonder if that's why it's trendy in a way. Because it's like, there's something so romantic about the idea that when you're young and your skin still looks good, you can smoke cigarettes and you can party, and you can have a lot of sex. And you can pay no price, or so, it seems, the price comes later.

You pay for that later. But there is. There's something so romantic about this idea of, like, well, I'm young now and I'm just going to live my life. And I'm just going to be like a rock star. It's like, Hey, I'm this edgy, nihilistic badass. It's about sort of creating this character, and I get it because I do have this sort of love for the whole rock star, edgy, nihilistic, cool kid aesthetic.

I have a weird appreciation for that in a way, because it's like, I don't know like bands that I like have that vibe. But yet when you look between the lines, it's just kind of a toxic trend, right? It's also kind of trendy. To to be a stoner, you know, to kind of just to smoke, to smoke weed, and for that to sort of be your personality trait.

And listen, I'm not saying that smoking weed is necessarily all bad.

You have not read up on it enough to speak to it, but I've read enough where, you know, I've seen that.

Marijuana can be helpful for some people and can be almost, I don't know, medicinal for some people. And I don't want to discount that. But I think with any substance, there are risks there, you know? For some people, marijuana makes them not productive.

For some people, marijuana gives them brain fog, you know, like there are negative side effects to being a totally cool stoner. And I think the problem here is that I don't know like, I think, the romanticizing of any substance, whether it's marijuana or it's alcohol. To me, it feels a little dangerous. Next, there's sort of this party aesthetic, you know, like this sort of.

Party club, Party person vibe trend again. You know, having a little glass of wine, maybe even having like a half a bottle of wine every once in a while, like, go off and enjoy. You know, I'm not judging, it's fine, right? Sure? I mean, don't let me be the one to give you permission.

I mean, I don't, whatever. But I think the sort of romanticizing of this sort of archetype who's always going out to parties only comes out at night. You know, like, again, I don't know like. I don't know if that's a healthy trend, the person who's always at the party, always at the club. I don't know if that's the most positive lifestyle, necessarily.

I mean, the trend itself doesn't shed the light on the negative consequences of that lifestyle. I think for some people it might work, and I'm not judging, but I just think as a trend, it's it's not a good one. And last but not least, heroin chic, great.

Here we go. The definition of heroin. Chic is a style popularized in the early 1990s fashion and characterized by pale skin, dark circles underneath the eyes, emaciated features, et cetera. All traits associated with abuse of heroin or other drugs. I could go on all day about, you know, different physical aesthetics, being in style and out of style. I mean, that whole thing is just it is corrupt in itself.

I think we all know that. It's pretty obvious, but I think heroin chic is an example of the way that danger and edginess can be trendy. I think it sort of goes hand in hand with this sort of.

Idea that it's like, Well, we're young and we're all going to die anyway. So fuck it like, let's just do drugs and drink and smoke cigarettes and go to rock concerts and just ignore the world. And again, I understand this vision, this aesthetic, this, I kind of get it, but it's not healthy and no one can argue that it is. I mean, we all grew up watching movies where the kids who smoked a lot of cigarettes, or smoked weed. Or went to the club all the time, or went to parties all the time, or had a heroin chic look, were the cool kids, were the badasses in all the movies? So we sort of grew up around this idea, and it comes in and out of style in various ways.

And the problem with all of these micro trends? It will probably shorten your lifespan. Okay, like smoking cigarettes will shorten your lifespan. okay, being a party party person, being a club person, drinking a lot of alcohol, that will shorten your lifespan.

The truth of the matter is, all of these things are actually, I mean, they're killing you. I know I sound like a mom, I'm in mom mode, I'm in mom mode right now.

And I'm being a total buzzkill. I mean, really, I'm being a total buzzkill. But here's the bright side, right? There are ways to look and feel cool, if you will, without participating in these toxic trends like.

There are so many ways that you can feel cool without participating, and it might take a little bit more creativity. In some ways to figure out what that means for you. Because it's not being fed to you in the form of a trend, but I think it's worthwhile. I'm in full mom mode this episode, I'm telling you all the mom stuff today.

I'm talking about how to date in a way that's responsible, I'm talking about how to love yourself for who you are. I'm talking about how cigarettes aren't cool. I mean, it's like I feel like a mother.

And you know what, I'm all right with it, because I don't know. Some might say, Emma, you're 22, you know, you should be participating in these toxic trends. It's a part of being young, but I am really trying my best not to.

I'll tell you that, and hey, you know, what if I get a cosmetic procedure at some point, if I start chain smoking cigarettes at some point? You can say I told you so, but I'm going to really do my best not to. But I also must mention that, you know, I don't judge anyone who does these things.

You know, these toxic trends are all around us, and the temptation is strong at times. I completely understand it. And so no one is any less of a good person because they participate in these trends. I think the reason why I wanted to talk about it was because these trends don't make your life better, right? They make your life worse in a lot of ways.

And my goal here is to simply discuss them and bring them to the forefront of the mind, so that maybe just maybe they can be avoided. But you're not a bad person, you're not broken, you're not messed up. If you participate in any of these, you're human.

And there's nothing wrong with you, but rather, there's just a slight flaw in the world. But that's kind of how the world works. There's flaws and there's beautiful things, and that's just what it is.

By the way, I'm not pregnant, I feel like I have to say that like, I'm not pregnant. I'm not a mom and I'm not going to have kids for a long time unless my birth control.

Fails and there's an accident. So that's all I got, that's all I have for today. Thank you for listening and thank you for hanging out. It is always my pleasure, truly.

I really love and appreciate all of you who listen and hang out. And if you enjoyed this, you can subscribe to Anything Goes New episodes every Thursday and Sunday. You can follow Anything Goes on Instagram at Anything Goes.

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We have mugs, we have tumbler cups, we have various various fun things there. You can follow me on Instagram at Emma chamberlain if you want to keep up with what I'm doing. And that's all I got to say.

I can't wait to talk to you soon. What are we going to talk about next? Well, we'll both find out the hard way. Okay, talk to you later.

Bye.