Bobby Lee

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dak Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.

That's us.

How you doing?

Pretty good. My ear reaches.

You're in it a lot. I've been watching you dig in it with your pinky. I know.

I feel like there's bugs that went in there.

God, this reminds me of my favorite thing I think I've told you in the past, and weirdly, this, yes, this is the perfect time to say this.

Okay.

Because Bobby Lee lets it all hang out.

Yeah, he does.

So Bree was in Guatemala. You know about this. And she had a crazy ear infection. And then she ultimately finally went to the doctor. And the doctor pulled out the most beautiful object I've ever seen in my life.

Do you think it was something got in there? Like, maybe that was a rock that got in her ear.

Or a pen. Right. It looks so inhuman, but it was undeniably beautiful. It looked like a crazy jewel had been.

Did she keep it?

Yeah, so she came home with this plastic cylinder and we would just lay in bed and stare at the thing and hold it up to the light. In fact, I have half a mind to ask her if she still has it.

She should.

What treasure?

That is a treasure. Oh my God. A life's treasure.

Okay, listen, I had so much fun in this fucking interview. I mean, this really was so much fun.

It was.

I love Bobby Lee. He is so funny and honest. Really funny. And wonderful. And cheers to Robby Rob, Wobby Wob, who has been for a long time saying like, you gotta get Bobby in, he's so great.

He's an armchair expert.

I had the same ailment on my gums up until January 1st. Oh, really? Yeah, I'm a hundred days off.

But can I just say something? Your gums seem like it's missing the stuff.

They look unhealthy, don't they? You were offered all the things.

I mean, this guy I've known for so long, I don't trust him. Can I do this, like this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was supposed to say that, my bad.

You were supposed to say, oh, crisscross.

Crisscross applesauce. Is it bad Indian style? What does that mean? We're just sitting.

Well, that's what's interesting. It begs the question, are they referring to Native Americans or people from India? It makes the most sense, people from India. And then I don't know why that's offensive if they invented that style of sitting.

I don't think they invented it. Exactly, I don't think they invented it. So it's, I guess, probably relating to how they sit for prayer.

But you know how people do this? This is not China style, is it? Yeah.

I don't know. No, for sure.

Oh, maybe.

Well, look, this is known in social sciences. The reason Asians are so good at math is because of rice production, because there's so much math in rice production.

Are you being real right now?

I'm being dead real. Just like Westerners' brains evolved because they learned to read from Martin Luther's spreading literacy, their brain physically changed. So there is lots of science behind the math in the rice production, because there's so much math in it.

You know, could I just say something, Dax? Yes. Before you podcasted, I thought, he's a good actor, he's a funny guy. And then you started this and I was just like, oh my God, he's smart too. And it drives me crazy.

You got it down? What? My name.

Monica. Yeah, that's right.

He practiced before you came up. Well, I go, who's that?

And then I forgot it was Monica. And then I go, Monica, Monica, in my mind. You know what I mean? So it's good to see you, Monica.

It's good to see you too.

Well, also, it is a painting of her. It's not the most photorealistic painting. Now, if you were to confuse that painting, that's a bummer, because that's baby Monica.

I already know that because I asked Rob, who's that? Is that Dax's child? Yeah. And he goes, it's Monica's baby.

In some ways, yes.

Is that not the cutest baby you've ever seen?

Genetically. great. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. And I'm pretty sure the insides are good too.

The insides are doing okay.

But what a beautiful baby. I was a cute baby.

You have a little brother? Steve, yeah. How much younger?

He's three years younger and I'm proud of him. He has 15 years sober, which is great. None of us have kids or anything.

No, I more meant family disease. Oh, really?

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone in my family is either sober or it went the other way.

Now, let me ask you about this. A lot of people think that alcoholism is hereditary and that some people think it's trauma and things of that nature that turns somebody alcoholic. What is your take on it?

I have heard said, I think Brene Brown said this, that genetics is the gun and trauma is the bullet. So I believe there's a genetic predisposition to it. But I also think that if you have trauma and you can no longer self-regulate and you already have this gene, of course that's gonna happen.

It's a combo.

Genetics is the gun and trauma pulls the trigger.

Oh, that's it. Wow. Much better.

So what you're saying to me is I was born Bobby Lee, but I lived with the Asian version of the Huxtables, aside from Bill Cosby. Yeah, because that's trauma right there. That's trauma, that's right. Let me do another family.

The Cleavers.

The Cleavers, thank you.

A lot of repression there.

Homophobia. Yeah, the Bunkers. Who are they? Archie Bunker.

Oh boy.

Well, he's abusive verbally.

He's also racist, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that would be great. That wouldn't be good.

But in a very charming way. Yeah, yeah.

What's another TV family that I could do? I know one, Jean-Luc Picard's son.

Wait.

Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek Next Generation. Okay. Right, if he had a son, he's a good guy. I was the captain's son. I lived on the Enterprise.

Oh, okay, right.

I'm also mixed with like, I see Worf, like a Klingon and Romulan. You know, cultured almost.

Right. Well, hold on. You don't feel other.

You're cultured, but you are also embroiled in war and adrenaline. Can we go with the Seavers? Do you remember them?

Well, it's my life, but okay.

Do you remember the Seavers? No, who's the Seavers? He has since become a very big Christian.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want, no, no.

No, no, but that's who they ask her. I don't want to, it's Chris, Chris, Chris. No, no, no. Oh, and my first agent was his mother.

Yeah, Seavers was Full House, Candace Cameron's brother, right?

Cameron.

Kirk Cameron.

Kirk Cameron. Remember Kirk Cameron's show? What's that show called? Yes. Growing Pains.

They were the Seavers.

I think that's the one we land on, because they were liberal.

But Kirk Cameron as a brother? Is Kirk Cameron my brother?

No, he's not your brother. Well, not Kirk Cameron. The character is your brother.

But deep down inside, there's still some hardcore Christianity.

No, no, that's not present in Mike Seavers.

He doesn't come to Christianity until much later in life.

Well, then why can't I just go back to the Huxtables, because then he's playing Dr. Huxtable. He's not Bill Cosby.

Okay, we're fine. Let's go to the Huxtables.

All roads lead back to the Huxtables.

Let's go back. So if I was a part of the Huxtables, but I had the gene, I wouldn't have been an alcoholic? Is that what you're saying? Because I had such a great upbringing?

Well, look, I'm about to find out, right? Because I have two little kids who have my genes. There isn't a break in the cycle that I can see. I'm about to do that show, Finding Your Roots. Maybe we'll find a shepherd that wasn't an alcoholic.

Do you lay in bed worrying about it?

I don't. You know, my dad was enormously cool about this, because my dad was sober. He got sober when I was 14..

In 12 steps?

Yeah, in AA. Wow. And he watched me go through the whole ride, and clearly knew what was going on. And he was so chill about it. He's like, look, you know where to come.

He understands what you need to go through to get sober. And he probably feels bad, because he knows that you're gonna go through a lot of spiritual pain and whatnot. But he knows that there's a home, and there's a hope for you. Unlike my parents, who were old school Koreans, they didn't really speak English. They don't know what alcoholism is, even though my dad was an alcoholic.

Culturally, it's so white to do grief, oh, grief therapy, group therapy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, therapy at all is tough.

But then I think group's even like another level.

It's like X Games. I did group therapy with my dad. one time. It was called Knees to Knees. So I was at the McDonald's Center in La Jolla.

I unfortunately prefer you tell this story. When I was living in Minnesota. Is this real?

No, this is real.

Okay, okay. I got worried.

It's gonna be hard for us.

You should hear him trying to tell this story to two other comedians on their podcast. And they were prepared to hear him say he got molested. They've braced themselves. Yeah, yeah. And then he hits them with the Down syndrome.

And now they think. Are you keep adding on? Yeah, yeah.

Every time we get stable.

Oh my.

Okay, so you told your dad. Anyway, I tell my dad that, and then there was like this, pause in the room, and he went, ha ha. He laughed. He laughed. And then my brother, my brother and my mom start laughing.

It was like you broke some tension. It felt good.

To get it out, because that was in me.

It probably would have been worse if everyone started crying. Like, wouldn't you have felt even more like, oh God.

Yeah, maybe, I don't know. But in retrospect, it was a funny experience, I guess, and memory.

Well, yeah, and I think for people on the outside who haven't grown up in a lot of chaos, that sounds crazy. But I definitely think if you're under fire a lot, it's the only option. Every family I knew that was in the situations I was in, or all my friends who were divorced, parents and stepdads running through, or boyfriends that were alcoholic, everyone had a huge sense of humor about it. I don't think you had an option.

So we were talking about what causes it. So now I'm getting a better understanding about why I think I am who I am. Yes. Thank you so much for clearing. I have thought about it for years, and I never thought maybe it could be both.

Well, I think everyone wants more than anything just for efficiency in laziness, for everything to be one explanation. There's a chapter in this Malcolm Gladwell book about airplane crashes. It's never one thing. An airplane almost never crashes because the wing broke or the engine went out. It's always four or five things go wrong, and it hits critical mass, and then it crashes.

No, so my dad came first, made it to LA, late 60s. And then my mom's brother-in-law knew my dad's brother. They met through that, but my mom didn't like my dad because he drank a lot, and he was weird. Yeah, already. I guess he was stalking her or whatever, so then she moved to Wisconsin.

Double down.

He doubled down, yeah, yeah.

Which in the 60s was romantic, and now it's scary.

But he showed up with steak. I guess Koreans really like meat.

The barbecues are in every bar.

So he bought this nice piece of steak and brought it to her house, and I guess that won her over.

It is romantic.

Yeah.

Huge courthouse.

That's sad for her, that it worked that quickly.

So my mom, during the Korean War, she witnessed her sister, my aunt, get run over by a military truck. Right, and she had to go up to the house, grab rice bags with my grandmother and my grandfather, my uncles and aunts, and they had to pick my aunt up, her body parts. Oh. It's okay.

How old was she? No, this is awful.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. See, you would not have done well with the crime.

We lived through it, we lived through it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How old was she?

She was like eight or nine years old.

Older sister or younger sister?

Younger. No, older, older, older, older, older, yeah. Then they buried my aunt, and then she comes to America and meets my dad, who was like this alcoholic, rageaholic, violent guy. Just trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma. Old school immigrants, they get layers of skin to protect their heart.

Pachyderms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, when my dad died, she was devastated, obviously, but you could also see weight lifted.

Relief, yeah.

It was weird, like she could breathe.

She's been attached to a time bomb that went off all the time, and just anticipating their next explosion. How fucking stressful.

If I hear a loud noise, I instantly go into trauma. He was one of those explosive guys. You'd just be eating with the family, and then he would just overturn the table, right?

I always wanted to do that. I, like, sometimes I wish I was the worst person, because I've seen it in movies, and I have wanted to do it. Me too, I've owned a wheelchair, you know, right? It seems like the ultimate dad move.

Or the tablecloth thing.

Oh, that's more of a magic trick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Still, those are two things involving table,

I've always wanted to do.

Yeah, yeah, we could do the latter, no problem.

Because that's not as traumatic as the tablecloth. No, that's cool.

No, everyone's like, whoa, dad! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other one is like, I need alcohol, or something to regulate myself.

Now, if I'm at a coffee shop or whatever, and I hear anything, I instantly go into that flight mode. I mean, I'm more of a freezer. In fact, it seeped into auditions.

Can I ask just really quickly, when dad would get that weight, would you try to basically just disappear, like to be invisible, so that you didn't catch the wrath?

You were always gonna get the wrath. There was no running, so I think I resorted more to freeze. So I would just freeze and take it. You know, I tried to run away from home a couple of times, but I always came back.

Would you try to cheer mom up in these moments? Is this the birth of comedy? I'm not even, it's such a cheesy question.

Over time, I built resentment toward her for not really protecting us. So there was a time where I was mad at her as well. And she would also, not close fist punch you, but she would be very physical with you too.

Culturally, I only have one other friend. I've talked about this with. Her. parents are from Korea. She was actually born in Korea.

Yeah, maybe bow, that's cultural too.

Maybe pick that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, do something other than that.

Right, right.

But yeah, it was cultural. And also they didn't speak a lot of English.

Did they feel estranged from you at all? Or, obviously you speak Korean.

No.

You don't.

I know like six words.

Oh, my God.

I can understand it. Like if I watch Squid Games, I don't need the subtitles. maybe, I don't know. But I still do.

You watch Physical 100?

Are you a Physical 100?

My favorite show. Are you asking me, am I Physical 100?? No, it's a show. It's a Korean reality show that I'm obsessed with. Who has the best physique?

Is it good?

It's incredible.

They're all Koreans?

They're all Korean. Well, there's a couple of whiteys in there. Oh really? Yeah, yeah. I'm so curious how these whiteys found themselves in Korea in this reality show about bodies.

Is that on Netflix?

It's on Netflix. I'm gonna watch it. There's two seasons and it's phenomenal. Okay, Physical 100.. But I have a great suspicion that the dubbing isn't at all what they're saying.

You'll take that on? And me and that person will do it. Also, there's certain words in Korean that you can't even translate into English.

Right, there's no comp.

There's one word, because me, my friend Jean, and Dumbfounded were at a Korean restaurant the other day, and there's a word called nunchi. Nunchi. Say it with me.

I'm afraid.

We're not allowed.

I'm so sorry.

It's just growing it out for us. Yeah, yeah.

Because you want to get the spirit of it before you even get.

Dude, you know about words, huh? You're the best.

Hit me one more time.

Nunchi.

I feel like you're about to draw a sword on me.

But it's not a bad word, it's a great word.

Oh, great. What's it kind of mean?

So nunchi is instinct, but it's far more than that. It's about etiquette. It's about reading.

Like reading the room?

Yeah, reading the room is a part of it.

Knowing your place, maybe?

Let's say I'm going to a red carpet event, which I do often.

Of course, I constantly see you at those, yeah.

And I'm bringing a date who's not in the business.

Right, of course. Try to wow them.

Yeah, I try to wow them. Very impressive. It really works. I know. Red carpets really do it.

They're very bright, yeah. They get your attention.

Yeah, yeah. And then I'm maybe taking a photo with somebody that people know. But then, if my date goes, can I get a selfie with you?

She doesn't know nunchi.

She doesn't know. nunchi. Oh, I see.

You go, no nunchi.

Social awareness.

That's exactly what it is. Social awareness is a part of it as well, right? So nunchi is a word in Korean. So maybe when you're watching a reality show, some of the words aren't translated correctly.

Well, that's true. They're like, there's not even a direct translation.

The irony is, if we had said that right now on the podcast, we wouldn't have it.

Oh, correct. It would have been a display that we don't have it.

We wouldn't be socially aware if we were saying it.

I don't understand. Please, Monica.

We're not allowed to say the word.

Well, you can say the word, nunchi. Just don't do the accent.

Just don't do the accent. I'm afraid to do the accent. You just can't do what I'm gonna do in the shower tonight.

God.

One more time.

Yeah.

Because I'm only gonna write tonight.

Nunchi. Fuck. That sounds so good.

That sounds really nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Why don't people have nunchi?

Well, do you think all Koreans have nunchi? Obviously, the word exists because people don't have nunchi. And that's what I gotta point it out. The bigger question is why is that so important there that it requires its own word? And I would argue that in a more collectivist mentality, tall poppy's a bigger thing, or individuality, or these things that you would stick out from the group might be a little higher stakes.

That makes sense.

Whereas here, no nunchi is almost rewarded hourly.

Oh, it is?

Don't you see? The person does go get a photo with someone. they shouldn't, and then they pause and then they get a bunch of attention and no one's going like, why the, you know?

Yeah. I'm gonna tell you the worst nunchi, no nunchi story you've ever heard.

This should be a children's book. No nunchi. Actually, that's a great plan.

Like, no doubt, but no nunchi. We're from Orange County. We are no nunchi.

Oh my God. That's her worst.

No nunchi. So when I was on Mad TV many, many years ago, right? This is probably 2001,, 2002.. Obviously, you've been to the upfronts. Yep.

Sidebar. Fun is flights in the world because you're there with all these actors you recognize. The best. In fact, if you're really obsessed with celebrity, that would be. the move is just book yourself on a flight in New York, LA.

And you also feel like, oh, am I a part of this?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. One of my favorite moments, sorry, another sidebar. I'm about to fly to the upfronts. I'm in the first class lounge at LA and Will Arnott happens to have a show on NBC. I have a show on NBC.

Losing his ass.

He farts so loud in the middle of this. And Arnott goes, get some.

Like he threw.

It's so funny, he threw a get some out. I think the three of us just started laughing so fucking hard, but you're never at the first class lounge with like 10 comedians are in the toilet with you. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Okay, so upfronts, yes, they try you out.

I met this girl in a meeting, right? And she was super hot, open micro comedian. And I thought she was very attractive. This is like a month before upfronts. And then she kind of made it seem like maybe there's something like an idiot.

Oh, my God, Bob. No, like, okay. This is terrible, this is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life.

But she's a comedian, she wanted to go.

Precisely, the worst move I ever made in my life. Talk about no nunchi, no nunchi, dude. Right, so now we're at the gala.

You're bringing her to events, not just to the hotel on the trip.

Yes, in the Fox dinner gala. There's one table filled with people from that 70s show. The other table's from American Idol.

Apex TV time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm sitting there and I forgot who, might be. Mike McDonald goes, look at your date right now.

Oh boy, by the way, Michael McDonald's the best person.

He's one of the funniest people on planet earth. And I look and this girl is giving her business card to the president of Fox, Gail Berman, at the time.

She was a Goliath in the industry. Goliath. She was, yeah, she was one of the legendary.

Basically saying I'm a comedian and I've been doing all these shows, you should check me out.

She's shooting her shot.

I sprint. Oh. Like, if I could turn into the yellow Hulk, I would.

I would rage.

I grab her, not violently, in a very like polite, gentle grab.

Hey, they needed to talk to you about something over here. You just got a phone call.

Yeah, yeah, something like that. I go, can I talk to you for a second? This is how big Gail Berman was.

This is if I'd ever met her. Well, right, I'm imagining you are there, the 70s shows there. Those are huge stars. You're on year two of Mad TV, or year one. You almost feel like you don't even belong.

I went from open mic to a TV show. I went from homelessness to getting an apartment.

You just took your first first-class flight, probably. Yes.

It was dreamy.

The first hotel. you can't park your car in front of the door. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of firsts.

And I gently touch her arm.

Yes.

May I speak to you for a second? Oh. And I went into like, what the fuck are you doing? And she's like, well, I'm a comedian. I'm just networking.

This is my point about America, though, because America is riddled with this lore of people doing exactly what she did. You hear all these stories. I slipped so-and-so my tape while they were eating dinner. Enough of those things worked out that that has fueled a lot of people doing no nunchi all over the place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

For real. I just think that, instinctually, though, I mean, how is that not ingrained into one's body? For instance, when I was coming up at Open Mics, I was in San Diego and I was a doorman. And every weekend we would get big headliners to play the weekend. I mean, at the time they were big guys like Carlos Macia and Pauly Sean, these types of guys.

This is who you end up opening for. Right.

We opened for them over the weekends. They came up to me and go, hey, you're funny. And then, once they start a conversation that I can talk, but in no way would I go up to them out of nowhere and go, hey, I'm Bobby. You know, that's insane.

I know, the audacity.

I'm on the path.

That was ingrained in me not to do that. And I just don't understand why people don't have that.

So I'm the same as you. This show has complicated that, because obviously I need guests at times. And I'm like, even calling someone who I think would even want to be on the show. I'm like, oh God, here we go. It's painful to do that.

Get somebody else to do it.

Well, we have certain people, but then they can't get to the person.

But if it's someone that Dax knows personally, he needs to do it.

Yeah, and it's very, very hard for me. I burn up inside when I'm doing it.

I stopped doing it. There's no reward worth. Not only that, I feel like I'm stalking my friends. It's the worst feeling. So I just decided to get other people to do it.

Aren't there exceptions? Like? what about Brad Pitt, if you were best friends with him?

No, Brad Pitt. If I had Brad Pitt's phone number, all I would do at night is just stare at it all day. I know, right?

I do reread some of our exchanges.

Oh, I mean, you're so blessed.

What are they?

I'm nothing. They're all about motorsports. Oh, really? He's my number one. I tell this too often on here, but I know you'll really get a kick out of it.

I mean, I know people that know him and he loves comedy, I heard. Yes. And he's also-.

He like, goes and does Dave's show. He did Jackass back in the day.

Mark Maron's podcast.

He's a supporter.

He's just a great guy, but don't ever mention his name again. I just get really kind of juicy. Not in a sexual way. Not in a sexual way.

What can be sexual?

Inevitably, because people know I'm so obsessed with him, they'll go like, well, what would you do with him physically?

Yeah, what?

How far would you go?

Yeah, how far would I go? And I think I really would kiss him. Would you kiss him?

In what way?

Would you make out with him?

Oh, my God. Punks? Punks? Yeah.

If he's consisting.

I'm trying to give you the best-.

You're going to give me your honest answer.

Complete, honest. Yes. Now I'm me, or am I- No, you're you, you're you. I'm Bobby Lee, where I'm at now in my life.

You guys are hanging. I would fucking love to kiss you, Bobby. What?

Like, we're private, we're not out. No, right.

You're not at a restaurant.

We're in my car. No.

No, that's too intimate.

You are in public, but no one's looking. We're at the out front.

You're at a hike.

You're on a hike and there's nobody around. Okay, there's no one around.

And there's a gigantic tree.

You get to the very peak up here in Griffith Park.

I'm not going to get the high. Oh, shit, that's right. Yeah, I know, actually.

Because then you'll be too out of breath to kiss. And you think you do a bad job.

Yeah, I'd be exhausted. It's the beginning of the hike.

No one's sweaty yet.

I would have to ask questions.

Okay, go ahead. I'm Brad. All right, Bobby.

Brad, could I just say something?

Well, you wouldn't say, hey, Brad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. You already fucked it up. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

and now I don't want to kiss you now.

So we're just hanging. I'm Brad.

I need some questions before we write the situation. All right, some parameters. Have I hung out with him before?

Yes, we're friends. Now start referring to me as him.

Oh, no, now this is our way.

We're friends. We hang out kind of a lot.

Dude, what you touched me last night was so funny.

Oh, my God, thanks. I stole that from someone else. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah. The last time we hiked, I was thinking, I would not mind kissing, Bobby.

Yeah, I mean, I'd probably kiss you.

Dude, hypothetically, you know, I would.

You know?

Yeah.

I mean, probably. Yeah, why are you laughing? You just can't pass up. Like, do you know how many women would cut off a finger to experience kissing him?

I would do it.

I would do it.

You have to do it.

So I guess my answer for it has always been, everything up till shirts off, standing kissing. Mm.

Okay, you and Brad, you guys are on a cruise.

Oh, wow. Okay. We take a cruise together.

The cruise goes down. Oh, fuck. Right? You guys are the lone survivors. You're on an island.

He's made us a shelter.

Right, right. There's a shelter. And now, years go by. You guys have beards.

Oh, so he looks just like Legends of the Fall when he going on a weird boat trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're smoking opium at the bottom of the boat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like Tom Hanks from Cast Away.

Oh, can I look skinny? Can I look skinny? I wouldn't let him kiss me if I looked like that. No, I mean, he deserves better.

Because you don't, like, you, know, too much shellfish.

Can I look like Hemsworth or something? No, no, no.

No, you're that guy. You're on the island. You're on the island.

You can't work out.

Okay. Now, would you go beyond kissing?

I'm gonna give you a sincere answer. I don't think we can know what it's like.

I'm sincere.

Are you being real? I'm being real. You're right, I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have spent an entire year on an island, come to accept that I'm never getting off this island. I'm with this person.

You're so right, I don't know.

No, of course, people need intimacy. I think you would, and maybe it wouldn't be super visible, but you guys would cuddle.

Because on islands, it gets really cold at nights.

Exactly.

Well, cuddling, I'd be fine with right out of the gate. My best friend, Aaron, and I will cuddle.

Yeah, but if you started getting aroused day two, would you question yourself? Like, why am I getting aroused?

Day two is early.

Well, I feel very confident in saying I wouldn't get aroused cuddling him on day two, but a year in to this experience, cuddling, I don't know.

Me either. So I don't even really wanna answer. Let's leave it at that, we don't know.

That's a TBD.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom Hardy, six months.

He's your type?

Tom Hardy for me, six months.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is he above Brad Pitt?

Yeah. Clint Eastwood, never. No, no.

Okay.

And he says 90-something.

I would wanna take care of him and nurture him as he gets older.

You'd feel like you were taking advantage a little bit.

A little bit.

Yeah, like, what do they call that? Elder abuse?

Yeah. Yeah, elder abuse, yeah, yeah.

Stay tuned for armchair experts, if you dare.

Let's get off the island.

But listen, that gal, that's worth exploring.

What gal you're talking about?

The gal that you took. No Nunchi.

No Nunchi girl. Years later, you stopped seeing her around. I heard she got married, had kids. Oh, good. She got out of the game.

Have you had that sense that girls wanna be with you because they wanna be close to comedy and they want to be in the world of it? I feel like she would have confirmed my worst fear if I were you in the way she behaved immediately when she had the opportunity. What would have been going on is not only my fear of, now I'm gonna get kicked out of this party. I just got invited to, and I mean that metaphorically. Additionally, fuck, some voice in my head was like, this girl doesn't really like me.

At the time it was new because before I got onto Mad TV, I wasn't an incel, but it wasn't like I had a lot of options.

You weren't dating a ton.

Yeah, maybe once a year I would really get lucky and make out with somebody.

Because you partied a lot, and that helps.

I was sober. then. I got sober at 17, to the age of 30..

First of all, let's take one second to say that that is nearly impossible. So impressive. When I meet these guys who have like 35 years, they got sober when they were 17,. I'm like in complete awe of them.

My sponsor's like that. My sponsor got sober young.

Yeah, my old sponsor, same way. And it's so fucking impressive. How does the attic voice in your head not go like, I was a kid. I don't really know about me. I know what it was like to be a pubescent, crazy person living in a crazy household.

There's so much we're gonna talk about. Yeah. Let's go back to the girl thing, and then I wanna talk about that. Monica, do you have that in your head? Yes, it's in there.

Yeah, we got it. Right, right, right, right, right. Don't rely on Rob.

We got it all organized. So your point about, you were saying right now, do you think girls?

Well, at that time, did you have that fear?

I'm single now, and I have been dating. I mean, you have to check off so many things before sexuality kind of occurs.

Yeah, and you've gotta somehow determine.

Do they want a story?

Yeah, do they want a story?

Well, there are certain things you do. For instance, if I make out with somebody, I make sure after I leave them, to text them, I had a really good time. They have to go, oh, me too, it was so great to meet. What a great, thanks for dinner, this and that. I need that exchange to feel peaceful, so they can't lie.

Right, right, right, right.

So it's weird that now you have to do that.

But back to the girl. When that was happening, did you already have that fear, or were you like, I don't really care why she's here. I'm just happy to be with somebody here.

At that time, there was no cancel culture. Those paranoias weren't there.

Just the self-worth stuff. Am I being used?

But Dax, Brad Pitt is being used for his good looks.

Great, because I do think that's another way to look at it, which is like, people go, do you think she likes you because of this or that? And I'm like, I don't really care why someone likes me. I just want someone to like me.

Kalilah and I, we lived together for 10 years, and they're like, she's too hot. She's probably using him. But is that really? Because, Kalilah, when I'm sick, she makes me soup and takes care of me. When I have food poisoning, I had food poisoning in my car.

Or even I was watching you guys do this weird thing where you could either answer a gnarly question or take a shot of ginger. And she was asked to rate your body out of 10.. In the sincerity with which, she's like, Bobby, you are a 10 to me. You've always been a 10 to me. You're still a 10 to me, even though we're broken up.

All the girls that go out with me have that, to a degree. I've been on dates with a beautiful woman, and then she'll say, in the 70s, my dad used to take me to these kung fu film festivals. And you're like, yeah? Just watching them move, I just really liked them. I fell in love with Asians.

I don't like it.

Why?

As soon as they say, I just really like Indian girls, I want you to leave. Then it's not about me anymore.

Yeah, but why isn't it? just, that's what they find physically attractive?

I know, it's like-.

The skin color and the features. I don't understand why that can't be your type.

I know, I understand. I think, maybe it's my issue.

I like taller women. I don't know why, but they're like 5'8", 5'9", 5'10", I love it.

You can't get enough.

When I take women my height, it never lasts. I think. when I was a kid, my parents were both five foot. Yes. Okay.

Oh, right, for your future progeny. For the Lee generation.

Let's get taller here.

This country, the land of opportunity.

If a guy goes, yeah, I'm just really into Indian chicks, you don't like it?

No, they can think it, but I don't need them to say it, because it immediately becomes, you're just here because of your fetish, but it has nothing to do with me or my personality or anything.

That could be the initial attraction, right? But for somebody to hang out with you, they're gonna have to like all the other things. Yeah. Your personality, income, I mean, just different social standings.

Well, they should like those things about me. They're all pretty good.

But without making it feel like I'm attacking you, you have many reasons why you wouldn't trust someone would like you.

Legitimate reasons.

I don't know that they're legitimate. as much as if you have easier time believing people like you. in general, I don't know that you would be shining a light on all these specific categories. So another thing that Monica, we've argued about this in the past, she's like, I would never date someone who was a fan of the show. Because they like-.

Not never, but it's a little bit of a turn off.

And I said, well, Monica, you're not playing a character on this show. You're yourself. If someone's fallen in love with you, like they actually love you. You're showing all sides of yourself.

Monica, I wanna say something to you.

And now to find out, like, if someone thinks the hottest girls in the world are Indian, and then that would even be a turn off, it's like, well, you're the number one most attractive type, they think. And they know you from the show, and they actually know you. Those are things I think they're a defense, because those are fine things for someone to be attracted to you about.

I'm dating a girl who lives in Ohio. Okay. And she DM'd me, she had on a thermos, my podcast sticker. And we started talking, then we started FaceTiming. And I hang out with her maybe once a month, every other month, because she lives far.

You've already shown her your bad side. On air.

Yeah, so she'll go, yeah, I know you don't like that kind of drink.

You like that.

Yeah, because I don't wanna have to audition. Yeah, there's no false advertising. Everything is an audition. I wanna be able to do the song and dance and like, oh, is she gonna like this? She already likes all my bad shit.

It's so much easier. Yeah, like you meet a stranger on a plane, you guys are getting along great, and you're like, well, I guess maybe date three, I tell her, like, I'm a hardcore addict, man. You're gonna find me one day, baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's the playbook. Right? You don't have to do that. You talked about your mistakes with your ex-girlfriend, who you still have a show with. You're already owning up your shitty patterns that you do in relationships.

That's exactly what it is.

I gotta own the fact that I'm not in the marginalized class, but if an Indian girl says to me, I love tall white boys, I'm like, perfect, that's me.

You're like, get in line, so does everyone in the whole world.

But some people like fat Korean guys.

I mean, look, I don't know, I don't know what to say.

There's one I'm suspicious of, but it's not of Indian. So I am suspicious of white guys who have a quote, Asian fetish for girls. That one, I need to ask a few follow-up questions.

Well, I'm Asian, go ahead.

Yes, because my fear in that situation, if it's just aesthetic, great. But if it's that you think Asians are more submissive and you'll be able to be more dominant and get away with more shit, and that's why you like Asians, I don't know that. I love that as a motivation to have a fetish.

Yeah, I'm worried about Asian women that only go out with white dudes. I don't want to get canceled, but I feel like there's an elitism or something about it.

Well, I'll tell you what it is,