Synced: September 13th

Wow. The equivalent of my heart. You went to Beyonce. I did. How was Beyonce?

It was a life-changing experience. It was…. I never seen her. These women in concerts. These women in concerts.

There is something different happening right now. Obviously, we've brought up Girl Dinner. We've brought up Taylor Swift, Beyonce. Barbie. Barbie.

And people are saying like, oh, it's the summer of women. And obviously, women are like powering the entire economy right now. I think it's literally affecting our GDP. Like, all of this is…. Yes.

So, we were heading for a recession and maybe women are helping us, not being one. But there's also just something different in the air where it's not that it's…. I feel like girl power and all that stuff, and even in the 2010s, with like girl bossing and all that stuff, right? It was still a focus on women and girls, which girl boss now has, like, turned into an insult, which is a whole other thing. That's a pin.

Okay. We can definitely talk about that. But that was still a reaction to men. It was still like we're going to define ourselves like we can be just like you and we can be strong and sexy. And sort of like, yeah, this idea of female empowerment.

And this feels like not about men. And it's not even in a bad way. It's not like fuck men. It's just like we are defining our own culture and our own girlhood and reclaiming it and redefining it. Blue Ivy was on stage with Beyonce.

Yeah, she's been touring with her. Even that, I was like, that's such a different kind of energy. So, I feel very excited about this moment. I feel like it's a seminal moment. No, I do.

I also think that. I actually don't think it's about those women doing anything different, because Beyonce has been Beyonce-ing for a long time. So has Taylor Swift. I mean, they've done extremely well. But it does feel like right now we're at this weird precipice where everyone is just paying super attention and is investing their time and energy and dollars into these women, which is so cool.

Your point is so good, because I was thinking about that too. I was like, is there something different? And I was like, no. It's just that we're not criticizing them. Even Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift's music, is the same. But ten years ago, or five, even five years ago, it was like, oh, she's just talking about all these boys she's dating. Beyonce was called a terrorist by bell hooks, like a very, very famous feminist author and probably the most sort of well-known feminist scholar, because she was catering to the male gaze. What? Right?

And Beyonce has not done anything different. Yeah. It's just that our perception now is that, oh, right. We assume that you were doing it for men. Yeah.

Or again, in reaction to men. But actually you're just doing it. As a person. As a person. Yeah.

So it's women being people and having a culture that's defined from within, and us not being like, well, is it? And sort of questioning that. And what I have to give some, I guess, credit to, or at least be aware of, is it's men too. Men are investing now in a different way than they were into women and women's authenticity. Because, like at these concerts, it is not just women.

There are a lot of men there. And they're not just gay men. I know a lot of people for Taylor Swift were saying that, like, are there any boys there? And I was like, yes. Yes.

Yes, a lot. Did you see that viral video of the security guard? Yes. Dancing and then all these men hyping him up. Yeah.

I think a lot of men are now also allowed to enjoy female culture and girl culture, where they're coming out as Swifties and they're like, yeah, I kind of was all along, but maybe I wasn't giving myself permission to. And there's that Kobe clip that resurfaced lately around him, being a fan and being like, yeah, duh, she's iconic. Like, she's the GOAT. To your point, it's not about taking away from men. It's actually also giving permission to men to enjoy their clothes.

Yes. Anything, that's quote, unquote, feminine, whatever that means. Right. We've been in this really intense cultural moment coming out of Me Too, and Time's Up and all of those things that are really highlighting men's flaws, I think, in a way that really has to happen and needed to happen and needs to continue to happen. But big highlight on the patriarchy, and that word is now ubiquitous in a way that definitely wasn't before that.

And I think potentially we're coming out on the other side of it, where now men don't feel so defensive about those things. They can understand it, too, where it's like there's going to be a defense period for any of these types of cultural pushbacks, with racism, too, and Black Lives Matter and all those things. First, there's a huge tensing up out of defense. And then there's a allowing to, like, feel it in a new way. It's like when you have a fight with your significant other.

And so you have to talk about the hard stuff and, like, have to talk about the things that are annoying you. And then, because that has been done, now you can enjoy each other more fully. Move forward. Yeah. With more info.

The jokes feel so much better because you went through something. And the joy feels even deeper because you all went through something. And I think, seeing it that way, that Me Too, yes, was a lot of women doing something. It was also men did something, too, in reaction to it. And now, hopefully, we all get to kind of enjoy ourselves for a minute.

I think it'll be slow, but I feel like it's happening, which is exciting. I think it's happening, too. What were the men like at the Taylor Swift concert? Because you went to Taylor. We now have really interesting POVs for this convo.

I know. Because I didn't see Taylor. Were there a lot of guys? What was the vibe? There were.

It's hard because I wasn't paying that much attention, because I was all swept up. I was all swifted up. Yeah. I was in my own zone. But just within my own friend group, the four of us who went, me, Jess, a gay man, my friend Allison, and her husband, Anthony.

And Anthony is the one who got the tickets. He is the one that did this. The emotional labor. He did a lot of emotional labor, honestly, to get them. And, yeah, there were people in front.

I mean, there were a lot of men. And I think that's awesome. And then did you see the clip? Or did I send it to you? Dak sent it to me, actually.

This guy, what's his name? Andrew Schulman? Schultz. Oh, Andrew Schultz? Andrew Schultz.

Maybe it's Andrew Schultz. Okay, so I don't know him. And Dak said, he's extremely provocative and has a lot of opinions. And he said, you're not going to like a lot of his opinions. I was like, okay.

I mean, I've never seen him. I didn't even do a deep dive after he sent me this. But he went to the Taylor Swift concert. Okay. And there's a video.

And it is so funny. He's like, it's the best concert I've ever been to. He gets in this sort of debate about her being the best artist to ever live. It's very funny. He is very, I guess I wouldn't say like machismo.

But to hear someone like that speaking about Taylor Swift that way, was like, wow. Because everyone, we talked about this a little bit. It was like before this concert, or maybe before folklore, I would say. If you were a Swiftie or you liked Taylor Swift, you were considered basic. First of all, that word, I am nixing that word from the vocabulary.

I think it's so stupid. At its origin, it was basic bitch. It was sexist, right? Yes. It was a way to put down women's interests and tastes that if a woman likes Taylor Swift and likes pumpkin, spice lattes and likes candles, she's basic.

Yeah. Men like basic things. You know what I mean? If we were to use that term, right? And it's a way to just paint with such a wide brush.

All of these women have the same interests and it's all like silly and nonessential. I'm so against that. I heard I was listening to somebody else talk about liking Aperol spritzes. And then they were saying like, she's like, am I basic? And I was like, no, it's okay to like what you like.

And I actually am most repulsed by people who are acting in defiance of the norm just because they feel like doing exactly what everyone else is doing. is, quote, basic or the same or ordinary. It's okay to like what people like and it doesn't make you unoriginal. I just don't like that. And maybe because I grew up feeling so other that I never felt like I would be basic, because I'm just inherently not because there's something different about me.

So that was never a threat to me. So it's kind of hard for me to even click in. I was the opposite. And I'm like, what are the, quote, basic things? I need to do all those things so I can be like everyone else.

But also those things are good for a reason. There's a reason everyone likes them. Coming back to the origin of the term, those were also things that women and girls like that men don't like and that aren't for men. I think some people are saying, you know, the Barbie aesthetic and that's just a commercialized version of fitting into the male gaze. And I'm like, no, that's actually not like the pink explosion.

And like even some of the outfits in the Barbie movie, like. that's not actually what men prefer. But that's what we like to do and dress up. as for us. And before we go, I need to tell you the truth about Andrew Schultz.

I have an Andrew Schultz story and it's kind of relevant to our conversation. So this was like a few years back. You dated him. We didn't date. We did actually never went on the date that was planned.

because and it's OK, because I actually ran into him a couple of weeks. I was actually with. I was, it was Scott Galloway, a friend of the armchair pod. And then Andrew walks by and I was like, hey, that was our first time actually meeting in person. OK, but yes, Andrew and I went back and forth over text and we were like planning to go on a date.

And I wasn't that familiar. I mean, I knew his work. I think I saw him on. Was he on Girl Code? I don't know.

Anyway, he was doing kind of more. This is a few years ago. So it was like more comedy, less, I think, now, where he takes up a lot of positions on different kinds of issues. So whatever is like, oh, he's cute. Did you find him on an app?

Yes, on an app. And so then we're making plans and we're like texting back and forth. And it's great. And then, at one point he sent me a text, which every year, actually, and it's almost the anniversary of it, because I think it was September. No, because I saved the text.

We were going back and forth and he said, wait, I want to read it verbatim. September 11th text? It might have been a September 11th. Oh, that's thoughtful. Yeah, so sweet.

A different thing to think about on that day. Okay, it was September 13th. I remember I was at my desk at Vox. I had a show about the 2016 election, about identity and racism and feminism and all these things. And he said, I just don't think white men get enough credit for inventing feminism.

And it was so. No, no. This was in a back and forth. And I was like, oh, cool. Like, we're talking about politics.

And then he sent that and I was like, you're joking. He's like, no. And then he went into an entire. And I think at the time he was claiming, I won't name the country, but that colonialism brought feminism to communities. I know it's just incorrect in so many, so many, so many ways.

And so I started responding. I mean, again, 2016 was before all hope was shattered. When you thought you could convince people and change their minds and overcome political differences. And again, I'm sarcastic. I think it is possible.

But the date didn't happen. I screenshot it. And I think I've posted it a few times. And then people figured out that it's him because it says, Andrew. It was a riddle.

It wasn't. But then people were like, is this you? And then I think he anyway. So, again, he knows that I post it and I think he's happily married now. And wait, what's today?

The fourth. No, no. What is today when this is? Oh, wait. It might literally be next week.

It'll be next week. What's next Wednesday? Next Wednesday is September 13th. No, no, no. That is so.

What's your dad doing? What does he want? He's so playful. He's so fun. Wait, that is weird.

That's weird. So, today. Oh, my God. Hi, Andrew. Hi.

Hi, Andrew. Wow. Yeah. You weren't even. Wow.

Yeah. We should go buy a lottery ticket. All right. Well, hi, Andrew. White, men did not invent feminism.

I'm going to say. Yeah. I think we don't need to put any kind of source for that. No. And the notes.

I feel good about it. He should come on the show. We should chat about it. Is this a public dare?

I'm scared. Are you? A little. Scared of what? Scared is not the word.

You don't want to. I don't know. I loved that video so much, that Taylor Swift video, that I was like, I'm actually not going to do a deep dive on this person because I'm going to get perturbed and exhausted. Okay. I actually now, I'm seeking out difference of opinion more than I used to.

We all had a reaction to the events of the last few years, and I don't get as upset as I used to. And I think it gives all of us permission. I mean, this is also what this show is about, right? Yeah. We're really kind of being honest about things.

We're not saying what the party line, we're not towing the feminist line, or any line for that matter, and just allowing ourselves to be fully people, just like Beyonce and Taylor Swift. And all the basic bitches. Yes. I agree with you. I think perhaps I have more people with differences of opinion in my life.

I enter this more, perhaps, but I do enjoy it. I think I'm just tired from the long weekend, really. I'll bounce back and then- We'll take a nap. Yeah. I'll take a nap.

Sleep on it and then see how you feel. But I think it'd be funny. Or again, we don't even have to talk about that. We could just have him answer some advice questions and then see what different advice he's giving. Let's put a pin in that.

Pin in that. Okay. We only got to one question last week. It was how to make a roast chicken. So we have to get into some listener questions, because we have so many good ones.

So many good ones. We're piling up. I feel so grateful that people are trusting us with their hard questions. Hard life problems. Okay.

You know what's so annoying? Every time I hear TLDR, that for some reason cannot stick in my brain. What do you mean? Like what it means. I have to look it up every time.

I can't remember. What it means in a general sense or like- What it stands for. Too long to read. Oh, really? Yeah.

Wow. Do you know what it stands for? Of course. Too long to read. Right.

I cannot remember that. There's a black hole in my brain for TLDR and it goes in there and I can't remember it. I mean, do you remember? Is it unnecessary? Like IRL?

I know. Right. In real life. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Do you have any others? You could quiz me.

ASAP? Oh, God. Yeah. As soon as possible. That's old school.

That's old. BRB is old. I feel like there's new ones. Sometimes, when I'm texting someone under the age of 25, I'm like, oh, God. I don't know stuff.

TN is tonight. RN is right now, which I know. Well, if you think of any more acronyms, throw them at me. Okay. Okay.

We'll start with this one, then. TLDR, too long didn't read. Good for you. Our friend has a boyfriend we don't like, and it's affecting the friendship. I belong to a wonderfully close circle of friends.

One of them is dating a guy that none of us like. The relationship doesn't seem like a good, happy fit for either of them, and she acts really different when this guy is around. We've been honest with her about how we feel about it, but it's been over a year and they're still together, getting more serious. It's uncomfortable for us to be around them and she's feeling hurt that the group is spending less time with her. We want to support her choices, but I just don't think we'll ever be as close with the version of her in this relationship.

Where do we go from? here? We seek the deep and powerful wisdom of the synced squad. Synced squad? Synced squad?

Oh, I love that. That is so sweet. She did it. We needed a term. Okay, great.

That's for merch. Rob, write it down. Merch. Okay. We've all been here.

This position really sucks, especially if it's a very close friend who you're open with and pretty much say everything to and feel like you can be honest. This is one of those weird gray areas. Is it fair to voice your opinion? It depends on the circumstance, but I kind of feel like no. I have been in this position probably too much, right?

Where at a certain point I was like, am I too judgmental? And again, I think it's a very common, particularly with women, please let us know if men do this too. But I think women particularly were like, you're a goddess that was birthed out of a platinum birth canal. And you are almost like our female friends. They're too good for any guy.

Sometimes I've been like, I need to tone that down where I can have love for my friend and think she deserves someone who goes to the moon and back, but also be realistic about what a relationship is too. And I guess two things. One of them is not being judgmental, period. I think with your friends is something that I, again, I've put into practice, as I've noticed that there's a way to voice their concerns, which it looks like they have. You know, they've spoken.

She said we did bring it up, but it didn't really. We've been honest with her about how we feel about it. Yeah. That's all you can do, I guess.

We are supported by quints. Okay. I, as you know, I have so many clothes. I was just doing a closet clean out. You were?

Yes. And it is really exciting when I do that, because then I can see the things that I still need. And it was great because I ordered a leather jacket. So good. From quints.

And it is so cute. It has a hood. I'm going to be living in this, this fall. It just like makes any outfit a little bit more elevated, right? Like you can throw it over a t-shirt and it looks like you've done something.

Quints is amazing because it has all of the capsule wardrobe pieces that you can mix and match and wear. And you can just have like a few that will get you so far, style for any occasion. It doesn't feel like this is possible, but all the items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands, which is, you would never know. Like it looks. so, everything looks so good and so high quality, and they partner directly with Top Factory, so they can kind of cut out the middleman, and that makes savings for us.

Take the drama out of planning an outfit and upgrade your closet with quints today. Go to quints.com slash sync for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com. slash sync and get free shipping and 365 day return. Quints.com slash sync.

The second thing is, when a friend comes to you with an issue or even, again, is dating a person, just going back to like, how do you feel? And just asking that question? because it is about her, right? It is. And if she feels good in this, then how you feel about it actually is not more important.

Yeah. It's irrelevant. Exactly. Unless there's like abuse or something big happening. Well, exactly.

Okay. So then I want to, I want to get a little deeper into this. What would you do if you knew your friend's boyfriend was cheating on her? Would you tell her? Of course.

You would. You wouldn't? I don't know. Oh my God. I really don't know.

Why? It's so dependent on the relationship. If it's a marriage, I think it's very complicated. And if there are like children, I think it's very complicated. I guess, yes.

If it was a boyfriend pre-marriage, I probably would. What do you mean? probably? What would be holding you back? I would learn about it.

There would be a fraction of a second between me getting my phone and telling my friend. Like there would be no question in my mind. And withholding that information, actually, if I knew that you knew that my boyfriend was cheating on me and you didn't tell me, I think I would be upset. Wouldn't you? Yes.

But I think a lot of the people who are getting cheated on, again, I'm thinking more of a marriage situation. Got it. I think. They know. You think.

Not always, but often they know. And some people in that situation don't want to know because if they wonder, but they talk themselves out of it because they want to keep that relationship. When someone confronts them and says, hey, I actually know this thing is happening to you, it adds a different level of pressure for them to make a decision. And then there's just another body in the mix. And yeah, it's humiliating.

It's humiliating. Yes. Yeah. And they feel like, well, now I have to act. or I'm not strong or I'm not.

But I just think there's a lot that goes into it. In a marital situation, that's much more gray than people think. I think it's worth sitting with before you just jump into it. I do think you're right. In a boyfriend situation, I would.

But it's tricky. If I'm close with the person. Yeah. You have to be close. I mean, I think it's, I feel like in a lot of cheating situations, people have learned about it from either the woman or like, it's not always a person.

It's a person that's close to them. And usually they are, you know, thankful, but you're implicating yourself into the situation. I've never been in this situation particularly, but I have been in a situation where my really, really, really, really close friend was dating this guy. He was fine. And then our friends came into town and my friend, with boyfriend, did the weird like touching me on my lower back thing.

And I was like, wait, what? And I ended up telling my really close friend and it backfired on me. It did. But then, a couple weeks later, he was still on dating apps. She like, took his phone to pay for his parking and then saw all these chats on a dating app.

So it backfired on me. And I remember being like, wow, I need to think about how I should have delivered that or if I should have delivered it in a different way, or should I have not have done that. But I don't know. I would want to know. I do think we underestimate what it does to you to feel like people know things that you didn't know.

Right. It can make people extremely irrational and go off exactly like you just said. Go to the other side and then blame you. Defensive. Yes.

And sometimes blame you and then get even closer with the person like we're a team. 100%. And double down on that. I think it can have weird manifestations that don't seem that rational. Which is what's happening in this letter.

They're spending less and less time with her, which I actually think that's something that you can work on. where, again, unless the friendship just doesn't work anymore, don't stop spending time with her. Right. Because then she really won't listen to you or care about what you think. And this relationship will become this little island and it will become harder and harder for her.

Or can you spend solo time? Because I do understand feeling like I don't want to spend all my free time with this couple, that I don't like one of the people in it. Just trying to maybe like recapture solo moments. Yes. It is hard to see people you love and know so well be weird or different in a relationship.

Everyone changes to a certain extent when they're in a relationship, because all interactions are relational. So the way I am with you is not the way I am with Rob, is not the way I am with Dax. And it's not because I'm changing. It's because of the space between us. It's different for every single person and couple of any kind.

So yeah, they might seem different to you, but really that's just the way they are as a couple. I think there's like a one year leeway where when someone gets into a relationship, they could kind of be a dick for a year and like happen to another very close friend of mine where she got into a relationship, and I did feel like, oh, suddenly I'm not seeing you as much. You know, you're making choices that I don't totally agree with and you're prioritizing the other person's needs in a way that I think is healthy. But I was like, being in a relationship is hard and it's new, and I know this relationship is important to you. So you get a year and then after that year, though, if you're still in that dynamic, then you can bring it up.

Huh. That's an interesting lism. I mean, I think it goes back to some of the other things we've talked about, where you have to have some acceptance around change, that there's going to be a change when someone enters a relationship. But I still expect to be prioritized somewhat in that person's life, because I'm also not here just for you while you're single. Yes.

And I'm not saying like they blow you off. But if there's a shift and it's not your fave, to not be like, oh, you know, and to be patient with it. And again, you can complain about it to your other friends and be like, did she do this to you too? And you're like, oh man, this is annoying. Not in a gossipy kind of way.

But yeah, you get a year. And then I think it evens out. Course cracks. Yeah. Course cracks.

Okay. This just reminded me, I wanted to talk about this up front. I can't believe I forgot. I definitely wanted to talk about it here, because it's very relevant to anyone who listened to Race to 35.. So I got my egg count, looked at.

What? Yes. On Thursday. We might need to give like a TLDR.

You did it. Too long. Didn't read.

And so we did egg freezing. at the same time. We did 10 episodes on it. You can check it out anywhere you get your podcast. And it didn't end that great for me.

Liz had a good outcome. You retrieved 13 eggs. September 13th. Oh my God. My God.

My God. So the way it works is you go, you get your follicles looked at and your follicles, you hope once you start taking the hormones, turn into mature eggs that are able to be retrieved. And so you look at your follicles. You might have, like in Liz's case, I think you had 20.. Yeah.

I think I had 22.. Yeah. 22 follicles. They were able to retrieve 19 of yours. I thought you remembered.

So what did I do? And then 13 were mature. So it kind of diminishes as you go down. And for me, I had been on birth control for so long and I refused to get off of it. That was shortsighted in retrospect.

So I had eight follicles. They removed six eggs. Only two were mature. So, you know, not ideal. Since then, which was a year ago at this point, I have been off the birth control since then in hopes of doing another retrieval and seeing what that did, right?

Like if it had an impact to getting off the birth control. So on Thursday, I went in, had my follicles looked at. I had 14.. Okay. Which is a lot, obviously, a lot better than eight.

Almost. Almost. So that was great. Optimistic. We're going to go through a little bit of a different protocol, which is a little more intense and.

More hormones? Yeah. We're adding Lupron into the mix. I'm also going to be on an estrogen pill once I start ovulating up until the retrieval, which. That's what I did to match up with your period.

I think that's what I was on. Estrogen pill? I think I was on an estrogen pill. Interesting. I might be wrong.

Wait, Rob, can you Google that? Just Google what I did. What pill do you take to delay your period? It must be estrogen, right? It might be.

I don't know. Northisterone? I don't think it is because this isn't for delaying. This is just happening in the in-between period until I start my period, which she said should still start on time, but I think it's just prepping my. I don't know.

Again, don't know things, which was sort of the takeaway of our whole show. But that there are a lot of things that a lot of people don't know. Yes. It is an estrogen progestin birth control pill that will possibly delay, prevent. Yeah.

Because I vaguely remember that. Yeah, you were put on a birth control pill. So it's estrogen and progesterone, right? That's what it sounds like. Okay.

Okay. So, anyway, but it must be different from yours. It's just estrogen. Mine, I think. so.

It's definitely not supposed to delay it. So do you have a date for your set freezing? Well, so if I move forward, I'll start the estrogen pill when I start ovulating, which will be the 18th. So soon, next week, as of when we release this, I'll be on that for like a week before I start the shots. So great.

Right. Feeling like a little hopeful. Then the next day, my doctor calls because they also did blood work, as they do, to test my AMH levels, which is indicative basically of like how many mature eggs you can retrieve. basically. And it's lower.

Than it was last year? Yeah. That with age does go down, but it's significantly lower. She said it's kind of weird, because last time your AMH levels were fine. They weren't amazing, but they're within normal range.

But your follicle count was very low. And now it's sort of the opposite. And she's like, normally. that's not really the case. They're kind of on par with each other.

So she's kind of like, we don't really know, and let's just move forward. And it's just one of these things again, or I'm like lab rat energy, like you have no idea. No idea. It just reminded me so much of the roller coaster of this whole thing, which is like, oh, I'm optimistic. Oh wait.

Oh wow. It's looking like a similar thing, or worse, or better. Who knows? I'm trying to be positive because I'm going to do it. I'm going to move forward.

I'll get what I get and then I am going to be done. I'm not going to do this six times. And God bless anyone who has done this so many times, which a lot of people do. They'll get two at a time and they just keep doing it. That's amazing.

And I'm just really impressed. But this is the last time I'm going to try to freeze and we'll see. Then, obviously I'll keep everyone updated, but it's just like, it's so annoying. I'm sorry. It's okay.

I mean, I have a friend going through a lot of fertility stuff right now and it feels like it's everywhere. And it's just amazing how many people struggle with all of this. Especially since doing the podcast, a lot of women have come up to me and I know you to share. I mean, just cried in my arms and just said how all encompassing this is, that it becomes all you think about. Even my first question was like, well, is there anything you can change in your diet?

or is there anything that your doctor said that could change your levels? And it's like, then you're Googling things and you're down rabbit holes and you're like, is it because I mayonnaise my whole life? Now I'm not going to have kids. Like, you know, like, is it my fault? Yes.

Yes. It becomes so indicative of immediately your worth as a woman. It's so crazy. And also, we talked about this on Race to 35, how it felt very SAT scored to me when I left the office and after hearing 14 and I was like, okay, like better. It was so SAT.

It was like when I took it the first time and then I took that Kaplan course and then I got better. Like I got off the birth control and now the number's higher. It's just a lot, but I do know stress is a huge component and affects your body in such a real way. So I'm trying to just be chill about it. It will be what it will be.

That's it. I don't have control, and that's okay. I am going to take this new supplement and I'm going to do what I can do, and that's all I can do. And I think the other thing is remembering that when you're in that spiral, you're comparing yourself to an ideal of quote, unquote, normal that actually doesn't exist. Like, there are so many women walking around with, again, a different version for them.

It's not their egg count. It's another thing, or their eggs got too big and they had that syndrome. What's that called? Yeah. It's a syndrome where your eggs get huge and then you get so many.

Like some people got like 60, and then that's bad. There's all kinds of things. It will be what it will be. But I'll be on estrogen and I'm anxious about that and we'll be recording during that. So also, I have another friend who has gone through a bunch of, a lot of fertility stuff.

She has a partner and they've been trying to get pregnant for a long time and they went through multiple retrievals and they had a couple embryos and they did an implantation and it didn't work. and really been through the gambit on all this and now she's pregnant, naturally. Yeah. So you really don't know, and it's, I think, some people don't like hearing those stories because they're like, well, that's not happening to me, but it could. And it's just nice to have hope and hopeful stories.

Yeah. Anyway, so I'll keep everyone updated on that. I wanted to tell you and I forgot. Okay. So let's see.

This is relevant. Do you plan on selecting gender from your frozen eggs? This is from Julia. After going through fertility treatments, we are preparing to start IVF. We have the option to have a random embryo implanted, making the gender a surprise, which is fun, but they can also test and select certain embryos before.

I would love to be a boy mom. I'm conflicted between letting things happen by fate and taking advantage of the scientific advances at our disposal. When it comes time for you to, have you had any thoughts on going random or selecting? I thought about this a lot, actually, because I have a friend with a bunch of embryos. Well, Callie, she was on Race to 35..

She has a bunch of embryos and she also ended up getting pregnant, naturally, but she has a bunch, and so, and she knows, she's like, I have this many girls and this many boys, which is such a bizarre thing to know. So she got to choose. I mean, she never did it. She didn't. Because she, right.

She got pregnant, naturally, but if she had moved forward with the implantation, yes, she would be in this position of deciding, do we just have them put one at random, or do you pick? What would you do? It's so funny, because my doc is now about, it starts the genetic testing question with our egg freezing. This idea of genetic testing, which we've brought up on our podcast, which I am very much against personally. The idea of selecting, like the perfect embryo and I don't want to use an emotional term, but not taking the embryo that has a disability or has any kind of variation, I think, is already feels wrong to me.

And so choosing the gender and making that kind of decision feels wrong to me too. And I appreciate her point about these are scientific advances, why not take advantage of them? And I totally get that. But it's this idea of, then I'll be the parent that I want to be. And this ideal that you've created in your head, or again, this is all like personal to me.

I don't think you get to choose who your kid is going to be. But it's kind of interesting though, because where do you draw the line? Because even the egg freezing is going to a length to allow the option of having kids, when maybe we're not supposed to have that option of having kids. Like we are already intervening scientifically at this point. Obviously, it's personal.

You feel fine doing that, but you don't feel fine for that next step of it. And I think it's totally whatever feels good to you. I struggle with this because I really would want a girl. Me too. Yeah.

Really bad. I will say. the difference between the genetic testing piece and this gender piece is they know the gender. It's not testing for it. They have it there.

They know. With disability testing, I feel you can just opt out of that completely and nobody knows. But somebody is picking. That's the other thing. It's either I'm picking or the doctor is picking.

And the doctor isn't God or the universe or whatever. And I want a girl. So I feel like I'd do it. But it does feel weird to say. It feels...

Because I would just say, why? And I think I would want a girl, because, again, the idea of having a boy makes me feel like I would be not as good of a parent or something like that. Really? Yeah. That I would be a better parent to a girl.

And so I would want to just examine that, or, again, examine why you want a boy. And then, if it's all pure and great or not, you're right. I mean, you've done all of this already. Right. Get what you want.

I know. But it does feel like playing God, and that's the piece that freaks everyone out. I'm surprised, to be honest, that they're allowed. Because in other countries where there's self-selecting boys over girls and it's really created a population crisis and a infanticide of girls, I guess, because in the United States there isn't a preference, it's acceptable. But I think that ickiness or that sort of morality question kind of stems from that, that it can be used for the wrong reasons or with intentions that are bad.

Yeah. I mean, I have a friend who has two boys and really wanted a girl and I think has put that to bed and is not moving forward. But it really does open, especially currently, in 2023, when gender is a big topic, wanting a specific gender doesn't even necessarily mean that that child will identify as that gender. And so you don't even know. Exactly.

But it's so weird for me to think that a doctor's picking. I feel weird about that. Or maybe they close their eyes and pick one. That's what I would opt for. So that it's still faith.

Still a random chance. Yeah. Yeah. And that you're in charge of faith or you're like the arbiter of faith. in a way.

You mean fate. Did I say fate? Is it fate? Yeah. Oh, faith.

Faith is like... Right. That's a Canadian thing. Yeah. That's a French-Canadian thing.

For sure. Also, it's like what everyone says who has a child? naturally, who does have a preference. As soon as the baby is born, they are like, you're my baby. It's so happy.

I like that. she's so open about it. I guess most people do have this choice. And this is the first time I've actually heard someone ask a question about it. So I appreciate that and just putting it out in the open.

But it's something that most couples are doing anyways, but they're not necessarily like bringing it up. Well, no. You mean like the preference? Well, the choice based on the gender. Oh, but that's only people who are doing IVF.

Of people who are doing IVF. Right. That's what I mean. Actually, this is an interesting stat. Can we find out how many babies were birthed via IVF last year?

I'm curious. I'm sure it's higher than it was the year before. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure it's getting more and more and more, but I still bet it's a small percentage. Since 1978, 12 million babies.

And then in 2019, there were 750,000 babies. Okay. That's not that many. Mm-hmm. How many babies are born a year?

We need like some comparison. Or how many babies were born in 2019?? 3.7 million in the United States. That's a significant portion. Should you do the percent?

That's one in four. Oh, in the United States, though. Oh, that was overall in the world, 750?. Every year, around 140 million babies are born. 140 million.

Oh, in the world? In the world. Oh, okay. And then IVF was- Let me see what this says, where it's based on. I think it's just global.

Okay. So that's a very small percentage. Yes. Okay. So I think- Do whatever you want.

It doesn't matter what we think. If you're doing this with someone, it probably matters what they think, but- That's it. It's your decision. Yeah. It's really your decision.

And you're not going to regret it either way. No. So you're going to have a baby at the end of it and you're going to be happy either way. Yeah. Oh!

Sending lots of love and luck your way. So excited. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is a doozy and then we'll end on one a little bit lighter.

Okay. My husband died suddenly and I think I'm falling in love with his best friend. My husband passed away earlier this year. suddenly. I was pregnant at the time with our first child, and I've since given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

After he passed and while I was still pregnant, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family and friends, including some of my husband's friends, who I hadn't known very well beforehand. One friend in particular really showed up, helping me fix plumbing issues, crying with me, or just coming over for coffee and chatting. I started to notice that he was maybe verging into flirtation territory, and so I just asked him straight up how he was feeling. So bold. I know.

But what did I have to lose? He said he was definitely starting to develop some romantic feelings, but obviously wasn't going to act on them and hope to remain friends. We kept in touch and I had my baby girl, and he remained a pillar of support. I realized I was beginning to have romantic feelings for him as well, which of course brought on a huge wave of guilt. Not because I think my late husband would be upset, he would want me to be happy, but mostly about what other people would think, particularly my husband's friends and family.

I also don't feel like I can trust my own emotions. Do I really feel this way? Is this grief? Postpartum? All of the above?

I talked to my therapist and this man about how I was feeling and made it very clear that I will always be married to my husband and that he will always be the love of my life and the father of my daughter. He totally understood. It feels like the best case scenario. He doesn't feel threatened at all by my husband and fully accepts that the position of husband is permanently taken, and I'm able to talk to him about my husband because he loved him too. But anytime things seem to be getting real, I panic and pull away.

He's very patient and has no problem with this ebb and flow, but I just don't know what to do. Is he a gift from my husband, sending someone to love my daughter and I, or am I using him as a Band-Aid trying to heal my grief?

Wow. Well, first of all, thank you for sharing that. And I'm so sorry. I have a gut instinct that I'm relating to her where I feel like I should sit on this before I say it, because it feels so intense. I have a gut too.

Should we say it at the same time? Okay. One, two, three. Date him. This is great.

I think this is so, so, so tragic and so, so, so beautiful. I do too. Especially if they were best friends. You know you're in good hands with this person. You know it's someone your husband would love.

Loved. Yeah, loved. And if he loved him, I agree that he would be happy to have that person in your life. But that feels scary to say, because I do have a bit of a worry that this is a grief response. But I think she's doing the right thing.

It's just take it really slow and be honest and open with him. I'm really enjoying this time with you and the support you're giving, and I want you to stick around and I need to move really, really, really slowly with all of this. Be very vocal and upfront about your feelings, but also let that in. Let that person in. Let that love in.

In times like this, you need people the most. And it feels, you know, suddenly dying is, I think, a lot about my friends and family dying because I have internalized anxiety disorder, but I do also think about sometimes me dying and what it would do to, like, you know, if again, I were to suddenly, you know. Knock on wood. Exactly. There's no wood, but you, I knocked it for us.

Okay, now I'm.

So, basically, my take is like, I'm not really afraid of death, and I have this inkling that I'm going to die early, and I know, but it doesn't scare me. For me, it scares me for other people. Exactly. You'll be dead. Yeah.

I don't want to die because I don't want to do that to my friends and family. And so if I were to create a fantasy scenario where I am no longer here, but my husband gets to date you and be happy and you bring each other happiness and create a life together, I would be watching down from heaven or hell. I don't know which one I'm going to get, but I would be like, this makes me so happy. Remember when you saved that lady, you're obviously going to heaven. I didn't.

She got abducted. You tried to save her. I tried. So that is what counts for heaven. I mean, we'll see, but I do agree with you that this is a year of going through a lot of things.

And so when you're going through a lot of things, and especially grief, don't make big decisions. And it seems like you're not right. You're approaching this slowly. And when you are pulling back, let yourself feel complicated about this and feel differently about it on different days. You don't have to make a decision about whether you want to be with him right now.

You can just kind of be with each other, support each other, let him be there for you and take it slow. But I agree. I think it's beautiful. I hate what you said. About dying?

Yeah. About feeling like you're going to die early. Now I'm stressed. What do you think it's going to be? Okay, well, I don't want to put it into the universe, but I'm just very distracted.

You think you're going to get hit? Rob saw me the other day. He was just driving and I was on my phone and he was like, I thought you were going to... Get hit? Get hit.

I did not say that. Well, you said, I was worried. No, you later said, I was worried. you were on your phone crossing the street. Did I say that?

I guess that sounds semi-familiar. Don't gaslight her, Rob. I don't remember saying anything. Well, I remember because I was like, right. Oh, my God, I need to.

And again, I just feel like I'm going to be that woman that gets in between two subway cars because I'm tweeting something. Liz, you have control over this. I do. And again, when I get texts like that from Rob, which again, we're in jest, but I go, okay, I need to pay more attention because I got into so many accidents. ADHD, for people who know what it's like, it's spatial awareness.

That's why I'm afraid to drive. People are like, learn how to drive. I'm like, I have imposter syndrome being in a car. I think I could do it. And not to say that no one with ADHD should be driving, but sometimes I really do think like one day something is probably like one of these things is going to happen.

You have medication for ADHD, right? Yeah, but I don't love to take it, but yes. Okay. Because that's, I understand. And I think that's something maybe for another day we could talk about, but this is real.

If you think your life is at risk, you have to figure out a way, whether it's medication or not, to try to minimize that. That's true. That is scary. Yeah. Well, one rule that I have, again, this sounds nuts, but some guy did yell at me while I was crossing the street, like, don't look at your phone while you're crossing the street.

And I was like, oh, that's right. That man yelling at me is correct. I mean, I hate that man. I hated him at first, but then I was like, that's true. I should not be on my phone.

I mean, that's how I sprained my ankle when we first started the show. I know. I was going down a hill, emailing or whatever. I am working on it and I don't want to die because I'm distracted. You can't.

You can't. But I'm not really afraid of, like, are you afraid of death? My instinct is to say yes, but then when I, I do this exercise too, of course. Well, recently. This exercise.

Panic attacks?

Recently, I ran out of my seizure medication. Again? Yeah. Monica. I know.

I do let it go to the very last minute, which is bad. I don't know why. I thought I had two more and I didn't. And I had been drinking also that day. So I was like, well, I'm going to go to sleep now and, like, we'll see.

I felt like I had really set myself up for failure because of the drinking mixed with it. But there was nothing I could do. It was 10 o'clock. I couldn't get any. You should text me.

But what are you going to do? Just so I'm on alert. If something does. You know what I mean? Like, my phone is on.

And anyway, let's put a pin in that. But I feel like there should be a communication. But also the thing is, I think we had work the next day. So, like, if I didn't show up, it would have been obvious quickly that I was dead. If I was dead.

But I did start to go to sleep and think, oh, wow, what if I died a night? It's such a weird feeling because I was like, well, you know, then I'll be dead. Like I won't know. So there's no point in really having this fear. But then I did exactly that where I was like, oh, but all these people, like my parents, are going to be so sad.

Yeah. They're going to be so sad. So sad every day for the rest of their life. I know. And then I really panicked about that.

And so I was like, maybe I shouldn't sleep. But then I did. And I lived. You lived. TLDR.

I lived. TLDR. But yeah. So text. Definitely.

But what do you want to do? It's just honestly, let people know that you, I'm not telling, like text 20 people and don't text, maybe your parents, but like text someone who lives close, like a.k.a. me, a.k.a. Oh, also known as. Also known as.

I actually didn't know that. that's what it is. Oh, see. I thought it was just like a cool. A.k.a.

A.k.a. I said alright. Yeah, me. So that my phone is on or again, I can sleep over, which the last time it happened, that's what I wanted to do. Yeah.

Or offered, at least. You did. And it turned into a fun slumber party. I know. That's really sweet.

Because I know people think, I'm sure they think I'm being over the top, which I am. But you do have a little bit higher risk of death when it's nocturnal seizures. So that plays through my head sometimes in a situation like this. But it's fine. I do that, too, where you start thinking about everyone in your life.

And I'm not scared. for me, because I'm aware enough to know, I won't know. But for the rest of the people in my life who I care about way more than I care about myself. Yeah, that's not good for them. Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that. Text me next time. Okay. Hopefully there won't be a next time, because it's like what I just told you. It's like kettle black and taste t-y-o-m.

T-o-m-o-m. Taste my own medicine. Okay. And that will never stick in my head. T-o-y-o-m.

Just like Ricky Glassman. I'm really good like him. So quick. Yeah, so quick.

T-o-y-o-m. Taste my own medicine. I can prevent that. I just have to pick up the fucking medication on time or get them delivered. There are ways to prevent this, just like there are ways for you to not get hit by cars.

And we're going to work on these things. Okay. We will. And also, I feel like we answered it. I think it's a beautiful gift, whether it's permanent or not.

Right now it's serving you, and that's wonderful. You deserve that. And guilt is not a productive emotion and obviously it's so much easier said than done. But unless there are other things going on, but from the letter, it really seems like you feel guilty. And I think that that's really common in grief, right, because you feel bad that you are still there.

Survivor's guilt. Survivor's guilt. All that stuff. And I understand why your brain is going there, but you are allowed to feel joy even though you're grieving. You must.

It's how you are going to survive this. And don't worry about the family and the friends, because they're not in this in the same way. They're going through their own emotions and grief and you just have to focus on you and your baby. Yeah. It's none of their business.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, I love this. One more for the day. This is from Jason.

Ooh. We love a male listener. It's called Your First Period and Your Dad.

I love this already. Me too. I am a new-ish dad to a perfect little baby girl. I try to be the best dad possible. My wife is a nurse and I work from home, so I'm going to somewhat be a stay-at-home dad when my wife goes back to work at one year.

We are Canadian. Ding, ding, ding. Yes. So he understands faith versus fate. Yeah.

And he used duotangs. A lot of people use them. They commented. A lot of Canadians. Yeah, we appreciate the Canadian comments.

Oh my gosh. Okay. We are Canadian and get a full year or up to 18 months of maternity leave. Incredible. There are a lot of things I worry about with being a girl dad, but one thing, which I know was a long time away, is her first period.

So my question is, did either of your dads- I love this. I love this. Did either of your dads ever talk to you about it beforehand and when it happened? Or was it really something that was mostly hidden from him? He didn't know about it.

As a male listener that went through cancer-related fertility stuff, I love both of your shows and appreciate you so much. Oh, Jason, we love you. So much. Okay. I love this question.

No. No. My dad had, I don't. even, we've never talked about periods. still.

I don't know if he knows I have one still. Even in the fertility, during the egg stuff, he's just quiet. I don't think he knows how to contribute. Yes. That's such a great way to put it, which I feel like is a dad thing.

There are certain roles where they know getting you at the airport, so they put in hours into planning for that and so many times, because that's how they know that they contribute. And to your point, I think there are certain things where they don't, it's not that they don't want to, but they don't know how. They don't know how. But also, you're a new dad and times have changed and dads are a lot more present for all of these moments. I think that's a beautiful thing.

In my perfect world, it's like, talk to your daughter about it, let her know that you'll go pick up her tampons or pads or period underwear, whatever she needs, or cup or whatever. There's so many things. And that it's okay. It's totally normal and fine to talk about it. That's in a perfect world.

Now, in reality, do I wish my dad was like, do you want me to get you tampons? I'd probably be like, dad, I don't want you to talk about this with me. But I don't know if that's just because of culturally, like the culture at that time. or is it innate that we don't want our dads to know about our blood? So on, Mean Enough, we had a conversation about it with Lil Rel.

Oh, we love Lil Rel. But he is separated and talked about how the mom of his daughter told him that she got her period and he was like hurt that she didn't tell him or, again, didn't feel comfortable. And so we had this whole sort of conversation. And again, I am in that generation of baby boomer dads. I would love people to share actually what their dads have done, if they did do something to really celebrate their period or even just talk about it or initiate that conversation with you.

What were you going to say? I was going to say, would I have wanted it to be celebrated? And this is also person to person. Again, in theory, it's like, yes, celebrate it. Womanhood.

You can have babies. This is awesome. This is a part of life. But it's a confusing time and an anxious time already. I think, for me, I just wanted to like talk to my friends about it.

Even if my parents were super open, I don't know if I would have wanted them to be the people. Getting. my period was one of the worst days of my life. Like I didn't really understand periods, how they work. First of all, like I was like, I won't be able to eat chips anymore, because I thought your stomach hurts and you bleed.

And I thought you kind of bleed forever. Like I didn't. I was young. And how old were you? I think I was 12..

I was 12.. Oh, my God. Sinked. Sinked from day one. This episode is so sinked.

It really is. What is going on? Wow. Sinked from day one. And so I remember I was in the house.

No one was home because they'd gone out for a walk. I remember vividly, like pulling down my underpants and seeing it, the blood, and screaming bloody murder. Just, no. Like the Michael Scott gif of like, no. And my mom ended up talking to me about it.

And she was like, so you don't want to leave your pad in for more than four hours. Like giving you this very clinical. And to your point, I was just grossed out by the fact that I was having this conversation, by the fact that this was happening, and now I'm, I have this for the rest of my life. So I like your point. But if my dad had like cracked a joke about it, if my dad had like come in with all these different tampons, I think maybe it would have helped.

because dads are playful, right? Moms have a different role. And again, this is super generalizing, but I think that talking about their contribution in that moment. Yeah. Don't talk to me about my menses and like, use those terms, but be playful about it.

Say like, here's a box of tampons. I don't know what to do with this, but, or bring her a plate of nachos. I don't know. Just like, be like cute about it. I like that.

Like, be cute. Maybe you leave some pads or tampons on the counter and then you have a sticky note and it says love dad. With chocolate and snacks. It could be like a little gift basket of fun stuff. I think that's cute.

I wonder, I mean, this is all dependent, like. maybe this beautiful daughter will grow up and be like, dad, I started my period. We don't know. She might be just like, totally fine with it. And then you just support.

You're just like, oh great. Let me know if you need me to do anything. I love that. he's thinking about it already, Jason, you are, whatever you're going to do, it's going to be perfect because you're, you're just already excited about it and thinking about the right way to be there for her around it. That's why I think you're going to raise a daughter that is going to be like, dad, I started my period.

That's what I think is going to happen, Jason. And then, Jason, you're just going to be like, oh my gosh, great. Do you want to go to the store and get some stuff? And then that's it. But like, obviously I told my mom so fast and then she obviously told my dad, right?

Like, I never told him. No. Same. I kind of feel like I have some memories. Should we call our moms?

About, if they remember it? Just ask how they told. I mean, they obviously told them immediately. You think? Yes.

I mean, of course. Isn't it funny to think about how your dad will respond to that? Right. I think he just said, okay. You should call your dad now and tell him you got your period.

You should tell your dad you have your period. Even still, like, no, I would never, I would never tell my dad. It almost feels mean, like knowing my dad, like, why would I do that to him? And then he's just going to feel like he has to say something. and he will still say like, okay, like he won't know what to do.

If I was going home or something and my mom wasn't there and he was going to the grocery store, I'd say, Hey, can you get me some tampons? But then I'd have to like show him the exact picture. Like he'd be so scared in that aisle. He doesn't even, he calls when he goes to the grocery store, he calls my mom 14 times. Do you want salted butter or unsalted?

Okay. They have unsalted, but it's not the low fat and what my dad will do, because he didn't have a cell phone forever. He would just buy four of them because he was so stressed out about buying the wrong thing. Yeah. These dads.

But anyway, Jason, I think you'll be great. You're just going to support in the best way. I think she's going to be open. I think you also just let the girl take the lead. If she tells you, great.

If she doesn't, that's very normal. You know, one real way to support your daughters when they're on their period, be gentle with them. Actually, all men, just be a little bit more gentle during that time. Every time I get my period, it still shocks me how it takes a toll on your body and mind and spirit. It's actual chemicals getting all fucked up in your body and you have to deal with blood.

Yeah. That's the least of it. Yeah. It's so maddening. So just go easy on her.

Get her a little treat. Yeah. I like that. Aww. Dads.

Yeah. All right. Well, I think that is all we'll do today, but those were some amazing questions and we'll get into more next week. Any final words? No.

It's okay to say no. No is a full sentence. That's right. I'm just so grateful for the little community of people. The Sync Squad.

The Sync Squad. We now have a name, which obviously they came up with because they're so smart. Yes. And I've been so impressed by the level of vulnerability and sharing and the comments, and I really feel like everyone is here with us, and I'm really lucky. We love you guys.

See you next week. Bye.