Colton Underwood: A CHD Exclusive (FBF)

Hi, guys. Before we get into the episode, I just wanted to give you guys a trigger warning that this episode does contain references to suicidal ideation, and attempt. Take care of yourselves, daddies. I love you. Enjoy.

I'm excited to be here.

Before watching your show, I'm going to be honest, I had my preconceived notions. I read shit in the media. I watched you on The Bachelor. But watching your documentary, docu-series, are you calling it? Docu-series?

It's just a series.

Okay, it's a series. To anyone that hasn't watched it yet, can you give a little bit of the premise and why you decided to do this?

Well, I mean, I went back and forth whether I was going to do it this way or not. Mainly because I obviously had a lot of anxiety coming off of the shows that I did. But when I really sat and thought about my life and what really got me hating myself, hating my actions, hating just really the situation that I was in. It was because of all of these things that happened in my past and I never had somebody to look at, to be like, oh wait, this is what I'm going through. So I think eventually that's sort of why I documented basically my coming out.

In the beginning, you start, you're coming out and you're coming out to your family and your friends. And during that process, I noticed that a lot of times one of the first questions someone would ask you once you came out to them was, when did you know? And your response was always like about six years old, six years old. I started to know what happened when you were six. that made you start to realize I'm more interested in men.

So at six, I knew I was different. If I wasn't like the other kids or I wasn't like the other boys in my class. And I couldn't really fully process it until high school to really understand that like, hey, I'm attracted to men and to other guys. So I don't think there was like one specific thing when I was six. It's so hard, but yet so simple to explain because, like, just like, you know, you're straight.

Well, that's what I remember watching the doc when you were like, my brother didn't have to come out. You don't have to come out. So why should someone else have to come out? And that's something I think, hopefully, like a series like yours, is going to start to try to normalize. Like.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, the Catholic Church, you know, you go to confession. I went to confession once a week and you're taught from such a young age that homosexuality is a sin, and, you know, masturbation is a sin. All of these, all of these things that, you know, you're. you're awkward anyway when you're that age and trying to figure out, like, you know, the first time you get a boner, or like you're turned on or you're like, what is going on here with my body?

And so you made a decision openly. You were open, saying like, I'm a, I'm a virgin. And do you think that that was half and half of like because you were raised Catholic and also because you were drawn towards men or like? was it just fully one or the other?

I think I was just scared to go to the next step with, you know, a woman or, you know, at the time, a man. Because I was like, wait, you know, I don't want to get myself into this if I'm gay, but also I don't want to act on being gay because I'm scared of the repercussions in my work life. I mean, you know, at the time there was no other other gay football players. And in college, I had a very good career and I didn't want to be a distraction to the team. And coaches and other players in the locker room weren't very friendly.

Can you explain to me, like what was like young Colton's experience in that locker room and like navigating it?

Hiding. I mean, I would wouldn't shower after practice because I was afraid of getting turned on in the locker room or in the shower. And I mean, I never really was attracted to anybody who I played with or coaches. So I like it's sort of silly to even say that, but I wanted to avoid any chance of being outed. So I would not shower with the rest of the team.

We're going to get into that whole concept of being on reality TV, making a decision to go in front of everyone. But let's go back to what was your first, like sexual experience in high school?

Well, I had a girlfriend, and it was a stereotypical captain, the football team captain, the cheerleading squad. And she put her hands down. my pants, had a boner, and I was excited about it. But also, I just remember when it happened, it felt so wrong. And it wasn't wrong in the fact of, like, you're sinning or you're doing something.

What did you do? Like, did you say anything to people that were like, oh, like, you're gay? Like, why did you break up with her? Like, did you combat it at all?

I really couldn't, because they were like, I was like, it just wasn't right. And I'm just, I wasn't feeling it. Like. that was sort of my go-to.

When you came out, like, did anyone have one of those moments that they were like, you know what? Like. we did kind of know, like, was there any family members or friends? Or was it like such a secret that you, that no one had any inclination?

Only two people. And one happened on camera with Cassidy. And then the other one was my Nana. And she's like, the moment I heard that you were coming home with cameras again, I knew what it was about. And I was like, oh my gosh.

You're like, fuck, I should have had you on the show. Did you consider?

She was. We filmed with her. There was some stuff with my Illinois family that, honestly, I'm glad that I left them out to protect. You know, they didn't, they didn't sign up for a whole lot. A lot of people didn't.

The big moment was like, we were all waiting to see, like, what was your dad's reaction going to be? And I'm sure so many kids like would wish that their parent would act exactly how your father did. Like, it was like his support for you and him going to New York with you and being there for you. And oh my God, I remember the moment where he was like, I will tell people. If you're getting sick of telling people, like, I will be the one.

That, like when he said that, I got goosebumps because I played that conversation out in my mind millions of times throughout my life. And you know, there was a version of like, I love you. I'm always going to love you. I'm going to support you. I thought that was the best.

Back to the locker room. You discuss how the locker room can be one of the most homoerotic and homophobic settings. Can you explain that concept and those terms?

Yes. So I guess like the best example for me to use, and this is like a legit, real example, you know, I'd be sitting in my locker and a guy would walk by, getting ready to go to the shower and comment on another guy's penis size, you know, or just be like, dang, that's big, or, you know, stuff like that. Or say like, oh, you like, comment on a nice ass. And that's where I'm saying it's a little homoerotic. Or they talk about, you know, their sex lives very proudly, or, you know, publicly and in your sort of in your face.

Did you make those comments as well?

No, I stayed completely away from that. I kept my eyes locked on eyes at all times. And I played it very safe because I just didn't want to give anybody a reason to come at me. It really was a mindfuck.

And you never talked to anyone about it?

No, I honestly, I probably had people in my life that I could have trusted, but I didn't trust anybody or lean on anybody.

Was there ever a moment in high school that you considered opening up to anyone?

High school, no. College, not really even college either. My thought process was always the next stage of my life. So it's like in high school, I didn't want to lose my scholarship. And then in college, I didn't want to lose a shot at being able to go pro.

I didn't want to lose.

So it was just always. my thought process was always going on to. how is this going to affect me in my future?

How do you define internalized homophobia?

For me, it was not giving myself any space to explore my feminine side. It was not me giving myself any space to really experiment or emotionally connect with men. I say that because, you know, while I was closeted, I did experiment physically. But it was and still is even to this day, like I still talk to my therapist about this. You know, I did it just for pleasure.

And, like you, literally lived trying to suppress a natural feeling that you were having. and, like hating, I'm assuming, about yourself. Like you said in your series, you're like, I was literally praying the gay away. Like there were moments where I'm like, please, like, let this be the moment that I can turn straight. When you talk about hooking up with guys, when was the first time that you had like a experience with a guy sexually?

When I was 21 and literally on my 21st birthday. But I will say this. Like. I only hooked up with guys when I was single. Like there was never times when I was in a committed relationship.

Were you nervous? that like picking people specifically so that like, what if they told someone, you know what I mean? Like, was it people in college? Like, how did you navigate that? Like, were you terrified?

No. Well, yes, I was terrified being the bachelor, because I was like, oh my gosh. Now my face is plastered everywhere.

How old were you when you became the bachelor?

26.

You were like, are these guys going to come forward?

Totally. There was a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. And, you know, I either got lucky or I was very careful. And to be honest with you, I don't care. I'll just tell you.

I remember your season. I remember I watched it. Bachelor Nation. And I remember people tweeting being like, I don't know if he's a virgin. Like, fuck that.

Totally. I was very, very concerned and very worried. I did hear a rumor, though, that one of the producers ended up finding out that I did hook up with a man, but kept it secret or took care of it. I don't know. I can't verify that.

But it's like when you say, like, be honest, it's like. that's why I want people to watch your show, because it's like. this is something you've been carrying and people can call it a lie. But like you've been carrying this part of yourself that you haven't been able to, one, explore or accept. So how the fuck are people going to be judgmental of anyone's process of coming out?

Well, first, like the reason I had the conversation with him is because I have so much love and respect for him. And I said it in there like he's, like a second dad to me.

Why did you love him?

He was always in my corner and always there for me in the most obvious ways, as me as a player, me as a, you know, the growth of me as a human being. Could he have done better? at certain? Of course he could have. And that was sort of what I had to get off my chest to him of saying like, it's frustrating because I love you and care for you so much and have so much to thank you for.

No, but that is literally like, helps clarify. Listen, someone that you looked up to on camera, his reaction was like pretty dull and like a little distant. And there was a part of me that also was like looking behind your head in the camera and seeing 60 plus kids on a field and half of them could be gay or struggling with their sexuality. And it's like, yeah, that was such a missed opportunity. And I know that's not either of your duty to like you go and talk to these kids.

Well, it's not going to be one person that changes it. Totally. It's no matter what I said in that locker room, I can't change it as one man. You know, it's a collective effort and it's conversations like this to help explain to people like what I went through, like that program, and that school hung its hat on me and my name for a while. While I was playing there and while I was playing in college and even, you know, professionally, they would, you know, this is where Colton played.

It could help, because you're a hot dude and you are white and you are privileged. And so it's like the fact that you're using your platform. Not everyone gets a Netflix series. You using your platform and showing people like this is my journey, but you're not saying like mine is so much harder than everyone's. It's just shedding light on.

And I'll say this off that because I see the criticism. I know that people are upset that I have white privilege and I got a series after coming out. I couldn't imagine what it's like to be someone from an underprivileged area to have to come out and not only risk losing their football, but risk losing a house and food and money. Those are the real things. Are we to a point in society where we can pick and choose and compare traumas?

So, okay, we're done with the locker room. Let's go into The Bachelor. Yes.

Well, after football, I was in a pretty public relationship. I got out of that and I was going through a lawsuit with one of my former teams about my shoulder. And I just made the decision with my doctor that I couldn't play again. So I'm like, okay, well, I've been playing this for 17 years. Literally how I paid my bills.

I asked for permission if I could take a year off.

And, you know, a lot of – I'm so glad you said that because a lot of my friends called me out for that, because I always have to ask for approval. I was, like, you have to realize, I had a coach and multiple coaches that I had to get permission from for my structure of my day, my entire life. All the way down to my classes. So I always ask for permission. And my dad and I, as you know from the series, like we always, more had a coaching relationship than we did father-son.

Now that you've also given us that background of like, knowing I was gay. But having like sports to be like, but I got to go to the next thing. I got to go. And so it kept prolonging you from maybe like fully leaning in to be like, how do I get in tune with self-acceptance? The fact that then football ends, was there any bit of panic?

Like football ended and I have a college degree, but I've never worked a day in my life like an actual job. So I was like, okay, great. I'm going to go do this TV show. It's fun. Maybe, you know, something comes from this.

As it has progressed, like everyone's going on there, to get Instagram famous. Let's call it what it is. Like. it used to be that, like, let's go have fun. Like, I don't know what I'm doing.

Well, for me, I got to travel. I'll say this. Like, did I know it was going to give me Instagram followers? Yes. Did I do it for that?

I feel like Instagram wasn't even that big.

It wasn't.

I'm saying now it's really Instagram heavy. Correct. I feel like for you guys, it was fun and like. use it to experience life.

I played football year round. So that was my first time on my bachelor season to go to Asia, to travel, like I did, and to have the experience. And, to be honest with you, it was really nice, because that was. the one thing I missed from football was the melting pot of cultures. For me to be on a cast with men from different parts of the country gave me that familiarity that I had from football of being like, okay, we have this bond, but you are so different than me.

Was the dynamic at all, though, like a locker room? Was there any homophobia?

No. Honestly, no. Because, well, one, Jason shared early on from my season, his brothers were both gay or no, his, I'm sorry. His brother was gay.

Brother.

Okay. Got it. Just one, but is married. So I think people and people knew that in the house too. So I don't think there was even a chance for any homophobic things to go around.

Was there ever, on your end, a feeling of like, fuck, like I wish I was here to be dating these dudes and not like, and then you have this one woman that you're going to date. Like. how did you navigate, being literally saturated by men again who are way more accepting than your former teammates?

Totally. I mean, did I find some of them, the men not on my season attractive, but maybe because I'm re? I was really, really good at compartmentalizing. Like. I was so good at telling myself, you have a job to do.

Yeah. And I don't think you should cringe, though, Colton, because it's how you survived.

Yeah. Until I almost didn't. I mean, that's truly, it sounds terrible, but like that was my survival mechanism, all the way to the point of self-harm.

And, as I think, you know, now, like how many people in the community are like same. So it's like, it's something that needs to change socially and culturally, rather than you shouldn't feel shame. That's literally how so many people have lived. So, so you're on Bachelorette and I need to understand your mentality of like, so you genuinely were like, if I am the last one, like, I'm going to marry this person and like.

Yeah. Yes and no. Okay. I'll never discount my relationships with women, because it's true. I had feelings and I was attracted to females too.

Oh, totally.

Don't get me wrong.

I would have known in a second. Eaten.

I love the idea of a super strong woman who's there to call me on my bullshit. But at the same time, being a closeted man, having to navigate that, that also scared the shit out of me. Yeah.

That didn't work at the time. No. Now you can surround yourself with them. But at the time you're like, who's going to just like hang and chill and not be like, why are you being weird?

That's why, professionally now, my team is literally a bunch of strong, badass women. And also like. they're, loving and nurturing and, weirdly, not catty or competitive or egotistical. It's just, I'm finding out, like the balance of masculine and feminine. There's pros and cons to both, but at the end of the day, y'all, y'all, got the upper hand.

I love it. Thank you. So you get eliminated, and have you talked to Becca since?

Um, not since, coming out. To be honest with you, I distanced myself from the franchise pretty heavily just because around the same, I just went through a lot mentally, like my struggles and asked for help from them. Didn't get it. And just, there was a lot of bad blood on my end and their end. It just, it was not a healthy relationship.

You get eliminated. Yeah. Did you even know immediately you were going to potentially be The Bachelor?

I think I had an idea after, like Paradise, just because, like there was, those conversations of, you know, the typical entertainment industry of like, we need to continue your story. Like you can't go from getting broken up with, you need to go and talk to Tia. now. Right. And then from there, your story, art, can go here.

Of course.

But the entire, like, you don't walk into like this magical fair, like, I obviously hope people understand that, but then also like, there has to be drama and there has to be give and take there. And like, I think honestly, that's sort of why I got the gig is because I was very transparent in my meetings of being like, look, let's make a good show. But at the end of the day, like, this is what I need. And I'm asking from you guys. And like, that's business.

Everyone can relate to at least this. Like when you all of a sudden tell a lie and then all of a sudden it's spiraling and you're like, wait, it wasn't meant to get this big. Cause. all of it was like the Virgin Bachelor.

It was a spider web of lies and yeah.

Every time. did you read that art? Like headline of yourself? Were you sick?

Yeah. At first I had no choice but to lean into it. Yeah. Cause that's sort of what the network literally was marketing me as. And then I started getting sick of it and fighting it, because, no matter what my explanation was, like, there was, there was like, after I came out, I just wish I would have been like, I'm questioning my sexuality.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember watching it and people would always be like, so why are you a virgin? And you're like, I'm Christian. And, um, you know, just my religion.

I didn't have time because I was an athlete. That was literally one of my answers. I was on the field the whole time. I was like, Oh my gosh, people are actually buying, like buying the athlete thing.

Totally. Okay. So you become the bachelor.

Yeah.

Bring me in your head in that moment.

I honestly, I was thanking God. It's a, it sounds so crazy, but I remember, like, when I got the call, I remember I was playing a pickup game of basketball and they called me like, Hey, you are going to be on a plane to New York this afternoon and we're going to announce you tomorrow as a bachelor. And on the way home, driving home to pack my suitcase, I was literally praying and saying, thank you, Lord, for making me straight. Like, thank you for giving me this opportunity to find my wife. Because my whole theory in it is I can get rid of all of these lies and the spider web that I created.

It makes sense now. Like hearing you from start to like, I'm playing sports. It was like, I can't do this because I got to go to college and college to the NFL. And then you get into the bachelor world and it's the same thing of like, but then I can find the wife and then I won't be gay and then I'll have kids and then I can't be gay. And it's like, you're constantly running from something.

Well, and I wanted that. I wanted it to be impossible. And I think like, I mean, obviously now I'm so grateful, it wasn't, but that was, it was, you're exactly right. It was just a different game. Like it was same environment, just different circumstances.

During your season. I remember people tweeting, speculating. you were gay. Did you ever read those tweets? I did.

I remember Karamo actually on Twitter posted something about me being gay, and that one hit me the hardest. Cause it's like, Oh my gosh, he actually has a following and he's calling me out. And at the time we had the same stylist. So I was like, why is he doing this to me? Like trying to figure out like what was going on here.

You know, it was hard on yourself.

Totally.

Did you ever have like PR people come to you? Like, do you want to say something to this?

Or was you just, there was, I mean, towards the end, right. Like before I came out, there was a couple of things that happened that my, and that's sort of how the show even came to be is because of the circumstances of being blackmailed and stuff. My team knew, and my publicist was the one who actually, I told first, because he was on a call, a podcast that I did. And they asked me about. the, asked me about the LGBT community.

You've learned how to act and you've got these two sides to yourself, and you know when you need to like, dip into this one that you've used your whole life, which is trying to pretend you're straight. And even you saying in a podcast, you're like, I needed to answer when they asked me about the LGBTQ community. Not so like, yes, I love them because they're like, oh, is he gay? Or then it's like, not be like, um, well, so it's like you had to find this balance. that's just like exhausting.

You're always on. You're always like, I was always on, I was always on edge. I was always like looking over my shoulder. Towards the end of my breaking point, I was so paranoid and I was so freaked out and I was so heavily medicated, just trying to like keep this thing in the bottle. At the time it was 28 years of like, the culmination of my lying to get to that point.

Do they want money? Like? what do they want?

They just had a specific list of demands that were weird to me. I just, you know, weirdly enough, I'm thankful because I don't know if any of that, if I would be sitting here today out, if that hadn't started to happen. People publicly saw me really not healthy. Yeah. Like I was, and I can say that I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist after my breakup.

I just want to say kudos to you for not allowing someone that's blackmailing you to like, it would have been maybe easy to try to be like, fuck, I just have to go and do everything that they're saying. The fact that you found the strength to be like, no, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna like. go towards that. And if anything, fuck that person. One, I love that you didn't put it in.

No. No. I got eliminated for there. Okay. And then in paradise, Tia, and I joked, because the only room like air conditioned on that is the boom boom room.

So like the name, the boom boom, whatever.

Yeah. So I always knew like how that would be edited. So I never did that. I sacrificed a lot of hours of sleep because I cannot sleep in the hotness or in the heat. And then my season, I did the one with Tayshia.

Did you not do the two others?

I remember I, so I ended up breaking up with Tayshia and Hannah, and yeah, chose Cassie.

So you went into one fantasy suite. Can you walk me through, just cause we have to do a bachelor and H&H here. Like, what were you thinking going into that fantasy suite?

I didn't want to. I had a real conversation with the producers and being like, this is, I can't do this. Like I don't want to, there's no part of me. And I mean, out of no disrespect to Tayshia, but I slept in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and I didn't want to be rude, but like I was, literally, I didn't sleep the entire night. I did not sleep because I was nervous.

Did you, in that moment, consider just being like, I'm done with all this? Or were you like, I got to stay the course. Like I have to make it to the end of this. Yeah.

But at the end of the day, when I was so good at compartmentalizing things, I was so good at saying, Hey, I have a job to get done. Like my football programming kicked in and being like, get through this. You got this.

Did you say anything to Tayshia? Like, sorry. Well, I guess again, you had been like a virgin.

But like, what do you say in that situation? I mean, I could have obviously broken every rule, but like they tell you, this is how it has to happen. And like, you can't just break up with somebody off camera because then the viewers are going to be like, well, something happened that night. And then the speculation and the drama is there. So I was like, I don't want to cause any scenes.

So let's just get through this. Do you think she knew something was really off?

Totally. Yes.

Have you heard from her at all?

No. Nope.

Okay. Can we talk about the infamous wall incident? Because it makes a little bit more sense now, but, like you in this season, you're like, Holy fuck, Cassie's leaving. And you witness a wall and you're like, I'm going to jump over this wall. And you ran away from the camera and the crew and everyone.

I think it was just me being so frustrated, not only with production, but myself first and foremost, now that I can be completely transparent. I think there was moments where I'm just like, why am I doing this? What am I doing? It's not working. It is working, but wait, I only want her, but I have to put this show on.

What was it about, Cassie, that you thought this person could change me?

I mean, just her in general. I mean, our connection, our friendship, mannerisms, everything like that. I mean, we did date for a year and a half after, and she's a very good person and a good human being. It was easy. That was the best way.

Did you have sex?

I mean, I think it's pretty obvious. Yeah. So that part's obvious, but also confusing for me. Yeah. Because it's like, you know, how do I?

I think a lot of people in the world would be like, me too, Colton. I don't think you're alone in that, and I don't think that's a crazy concept at all.

Well, COVID. I mean, COVID really for me put a lot of things in perspective, and I ended up getting it and I was quarantining. So, the first time since pretty much the show, our life slowed down and stopped. And I think that was for a lot of people. You could not run.

Were you forcing yourself to be as sexual as you could be, or was it just like you weren't having a lot of sex?

No, honestly, none of that was mainly the issue. And look, she's asked not to be brought back into the media and stuff. So I always want to respect that. But at the same time, I know I have things that I needed to address and talk about. And there's a lot of layers to those things.

Absolutely.

Like she has every right to say, I no longer want to be. You have no access to this. I'm shutting it off. I'm drawing boundaries, because I've learned boundaries this year too. And that's, it's way, healthier.

She deserves her privacy and you fucked up. And so you want to like, without talking about her, like you deserve to be able to like, make sense of what you did. Was it the last episode in your new show? coming out, Colton, you meet with a mutual friend of yours and, Cassie. It was a pretty heated conversation.

I mean, I took it in and listened. And I think that was like sort of the first time that I was like, okay, I need to hear this out because I know I have my side and I know I have, I, but my side is what got me into this trouble in the first place. So just listening to him sort of talk and be like, look, as another gay man, we all have our road to this. And like, I, I get it. But also you have to realize like, this is not okay either.

Have you talked to Cassie since your Netflix special? There are people who are critical of what you've done. And there are people probably listening, who are not even going to watch the Netflix series. Cause they're like, fuck him. I don't agree with what he's done.

Well, I would say that there was a lot that went into that version of myself. And since coming out, I in no way, shape or form, I'm trying to make people look the other way or forget about anything. I will own my mistakes and I'll own. who I was. At that time in my life.

What was your lowest point? Was there a specific moment where you felt like? this is rock bottom?

Uh, yeah, I think the morning that I woke up that I didn't think I was going to wake up.

Had you been abusing Xanax and stuff? And then that was like a big day, that like, then you just took it too far. Like, did you want to kill yourself?

Um, I mean, yeah, that's why I took what I thought I was taking enough and I didn't, or I, just, my body, didn't react to it. Like I, it was going to, I don't know. I mean, I was prescribed it to deal with social anxiety because I had that from the show and I was in therapy, but I never, I never really came out to a therapist. I never really trusted anybody with it. So there was just a lot that built up to that, but I found comfort in numbing myself.

The fact that you said you didn't even feel comfortable coming out to a therapist, the paranoia.

Well, I, I was paranoid. I live in Hollywood. Do you know how much money a therapist or somebody, a source could make and sell it to like that? And I don't want to say poor me. Cause I put myself in that position.

You said, I never thought I was going to come out. I thought I was going to die with this secret. When was the moment you realized I'm coming out?

Ooh. I mean, I could tell you exactly where I was when I first came out to my first person. I was walking on my driveway or my grandma's driveway back in Illinois. And my publicist called me and I mean, he had a lot of different pieces to the puzzle, as far as, you know, being on the call with a podcast. He had a copy of the blackmail emails and he just asked me the question.

Were either of your parents or even just whoever, and you ended up telling on the series, were any of them afterwards like frustrated to have that private moment made public?

I don't know if I would say frustrated. My dad, my dad's been quoted already. I think he said it to the New York times. Like, great dad. Thanks.

Did the internet and public opinion, Rob, this moment from you, a lot of it was like, this is a publicity stunt. Like he's just doing this to cut. How did that feel?

I mean, as much as people can be skeptical about this, the show leaking was not like, I didn't want to announce a show until we were done. Like until, like until Netflix or whoever wanted to announce it. So it getting leaked, I feel like, was the main negative feedback of people. Like. this is a PR stunt.

But when you said on good morning, morning, America, like I'm gay. And then people like, I remember reading tweets of people being like, fuck this. Like not, I don't even know if they were saying like, no, he's not. But I know some people were like, this is so fucking fake. Like you're trying to like divert the attention.

I mean, I, I understand where they were coming from. Cause they only know me, what they, they only know me, or of me from what they seen of me, which I'll go on record and say, like the ABC version of me, isn't me. There's definitely parts of me like which I wasn't acting or anything like that, but like who that was, was not a comfortable version of myself. I have obviously some sympathy for those people who are like, okay, like,

is there anything you see online that people like make fun of you for on your season that you're like, I know I'm cringing too. Like. was there anything you did that you're like, why did I do that shit?

I mean, the easy one for me is like the virgin storyline that got sort of ramped up and taken out of my hands and they ran with it. Right. That one is a little cringy. I mean, obviously just being the bachelor, bachelor in general. now, after coming out, I'm like, why did I put myself through that?

I know you mentioned you saw a therapist and a psychiatrist prior to coming out after the event surrounding your relationship with Cassie. What were the main lessons about yourself that you learned from that experience? Oh,

just to be more honest with myself of how I'm feeling and what I'm going through. I think I thought I was protecting myself by telling myself I was going to be okay. Or, you know, this is normal. And it's like, it's not normal to have social anxiety to the point where it cripples you, or depression, to where, you know, I was taking Lexapro for a long time too, and it had gnarly side effects for me.

That was the scene when you were in Nashville and your friends were throwing you like a coming out party. You had said that you were like a little uncomfortable, being in a room full of gay men. Like, can you explain that a little bit?

Well, cause I never had to be in a room full of gay men before as me, I've never really had a conversation in which the other man knew I was gay and knew I was Colton Underwood. So it was like really my first time of being vulnerable in the space, of having to be hit on or having to, you know, make a flirtatious comment and really being comfortable. And I was not, I was very uncomfortable. Now, if I go back and have that, that same environment, I would be, that scene would read completely different. Trust me.

You have a boyfriend. I do. How did you two meet?

We were in the same friend group and I was not looking for a boyfriend at all, because I was just like, I want to take some time. And it was more of a friendship than it was anything at the beginning.

How has this relationship been different emotionally than the ones that you've had with women?

It's been healthier? for sure. If it's, there's been no hitches. as far as, like, you know, with women, I would always look for a way out or try to find an escape plan, or I was planning everything out. Like next step, this, we need to be engaged by this week.

There's no pressure. There's no secrets.

There has been moments where I've done something in front of him and then, like I look and he, you can see, he's like, for instance, I'm like, Oh my God, he's going to say something like he's going to break up with me. And he's like, I love that part of you. And I was like, what? He goes, American doesn't know that you're like, like this. And I was like, I know.

How crazy is that when you're, so, you're almost like rediscovering a new yourself.

I have permission to do, like things that I've never had permission to do in my.

life. Like. give me an example.

Well, just like be outwardly. I don't, I just, I never could give any cues away. Like. that's why, like Cassidy, I made a, you know, a comment when we were going in for the hug. I was like, now you know all of my weirdness in high school.

He's older, right? Yeah.

And he would be like, well, like he's defensive, very defensive and protective of me. And he's like, well, you need to say this. And I was like, that might be true to you, but I've been out for like a little over a year now, and publicly, not even for like seven months or eight months. I don't even remember what month I came out publicly. I was like, I don't know that yet.

And what is it so nice to have a partner, though, that has that experience, so that you like, it's kind of like you're on training wheels right now. And you're, like, you have someone to like, also be like that. rock for you.

Because he also checks me on a lot of things where he has helped, also with that internalized homophobia too, where he's like, wait, wait, that's okay. I was like, oh, it is. Yeah. You know? So it's a, it's a really healthy balance.

Has your family met him? Yes. Everyone deserves to feel fully themselves when they are in love, but first you got to love yourself. And, like, I know, that's probably still a journey you're working on, but to know that it started for you, what would you say to anyone struggling right now with self-acceptance? It doesn't even need to be sexuality, just like this shame and guilt feeling and having a hard time.

Oh gosh, I'm my limited experience with this, but I think for me it's giving yourself permission to explore. And that goes way beyond just sexuality that just, it goes beyond with like, really truly sitting with what makes you feel good. Because I got into the position that I got into because I was doing things that weren't fulfilling and making me happy. And it turned me into a miserable person. And then I projected that on other people.

Colton Underwood. Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay. Daddy gang, it's your father. We're alone. Let's get comfy, cozy here. Let's have a, let's have a post interview conversation.

Uh huh.