Nicole Byer (FBF) [VIDEO]
2024-06-21 00:58:09
The most-listened to podcast by women. Alex Cooper’s Call Her Daddy has been creating conversation since 2018. Cooper cuts through the BS with topics and guests - asking the burning questions you want the answers to. There will be laughter, there will be tears. There will be everything in between. New episodes drop on Wednesday and Sunday. Want more? Join the Daddy Gang @callherdaddy
What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her Daddy.
Welcome. So, this is my dog, just in case it moves. Your dog? Yeah. He loves a bag.
Wait, is there a dog in there? Dude, what the fuck?
What?
I just didn't want it to move and you'd be like, what is in there?
But he loves a bag and he's really quiet. Oh my god, what's his name?
Clyde. Wait, Clyde can come out if you want him to. Oh my god, what do we care? Clyde, hi. Oh my god, can I take a picture of that?
Dude?
Nicole, this is iconic. Okay, what kind of dog is that?
I think he's a Papillon Chihuahua mix. I'm like crying. I think this is what I needed today.
I had the most intense emotional therapy session this morning, so I was so excited to laugh and have fun.
What time do you do therapy? 9.15 in the morning. Why?
It's the worst thing that I could have ever done to myself. That's terrible. It's so bad, I regret it every day of my life.
It's hard for me to talk about my feelings and then go to work. And I've done that before, like in the middle of a shoot day, I'm like, I know we have lunch at this time because this was crew call. I can do therapy, and then you do it, and then it's like, okay, back to being funny.
So, what have you done today so far?
Today, I was supposed to have a personal training session at 9.
. I had one. two days ago. I woke up and I was like, still, kind of still-er. Sorry, Ben, I'm not doing it today.
And he was like, Nicole, and I was like, my abs hurt. I did a lot of dead lifting. I'm tired.
So, you just relaxed?
Yeah, so I went back to sleep until 10.
30.
Oh, love that for you.
Which is delightful to just sleep in. That's right when I was like, tears. You were just sobbing during therapy.
And I'm like, we're on different wavelengths today, which is fucking great. Okay, I usually do my interviews always Wednesday noon. And last guest I have, I offered them a drink. They were down. Would you like to go make a drink?
Go make a drink? An alcoholic?
An alcoholic drink. Yes. You want to go? Sure.
So, we're just like kind of vlog podcasting.
Okay, I love this.
It's a new experience. We're trying it. We have tequila. We have vodka. I'm a vodka gal.
Okay, love that. Come on, Clyde. Okay, I may do tequila.
Maybe I should do tequila.
It's an effort.
Like, I'll just do a little vodka, a little tequila.
And like some coal.
That's not for me. I can't be mixing. You're the first person I've ever podcasted with that. I've made a drink with. Oh, really?
So, we're like doing a lot today. I love this.
Wait, where's Clyde? He's in his bag. Dude, is that like too much tequila? No, it's not. Okay.
I mean, it's fucking strong. That'll do it. It's good. Okay, let's go.
Let's go back. Let's fucking podcast.
Here we go.
Okay, so if God forbid, we lost all the footage downstairs, let's tell everyone.
Can you imagine?
What did you put in your drink?
A little bit of vodka, Topo, Chico, ice cubes, a splash of crayon, and then half of a lemon. So good. It's really refreshing.
Okay, I did tequila, Topo Chico, and a little pineapple.
Okay.
It's quenching my thirst. I feel like we're doing an ad. Alcohol. Happy to be here. Okay, so Nicole locks it, and then you brought two bags.
We got the Gucci, which we'll get to, but.
Oh, my God.
We have our first live dog ever on a Call Her Daddy set. This is iconic. This is Clyde. Oh, he just went back into the bag.
He said no, thank you to life,
which is what happens sometimes when I wake up. You know, unsubscribe. I don't want to be here, and I'll roll right over and go back to sleep. I cannot believe he did that. That's so funny.
Like mother, like son. Okay, so Clyde is in your bag. Should we go through our bags? Do you care?
I don't care.
Okay, let's do it.
Okay, this is.
. People are like, Gucci. It's the cheapest one they make.
It's cute.
Truly the cheapest one. I have my joke notebook.
Oh, nice.
I have a portrait of myself. Bree, the costumer, unnailed its daughter made for me, Pepper.
Very cute.
My sunglasses case.
Love that.
A mask. A wallet. Ooh, what is this?
Straight up trash.
Some origami.
Oh, I left this note on the door for the fucking UPS man. I was like, for my signature, sign for me, please, but I spelled sign wrong. It says sing.
You like, hear the UPS man singing?
I cracked my tooth.
Is that your tooth? At dinner, and I just haven't cleaned my purse out for like three months. So it's still in here.
Do you have money? We just casually went past it.
Nicole has a fucking tooth in her purse.
It's been in my purse since, like December. I cracked my... I was at dinner with Echo Kellum, who's on Grand Crew with me, this NBC show that I think is really funny and people should watch. And we were at dinner, and Gracie, who's also on the show, we were talking. They were talking about something, and I bit into a french fry.
The softest piece of food you can have. Right. I felt like... And I was like... And then I was chewing it.
And I was like, that's my tooth. And I didn't stop the conversation. I just put it in my bra and kept talking, because I was like, I don't know. How do you stop the conversation? Be like, your teeth are falling out.
I was like, my teeth are falling out of my fucking head. So then I called my best friends this year when I got in the car. I was like, my teeth.
They were like, it's in my bra.
And then when I got home, I was like, oh, I'll keep it safe in a Ziploc bag. so when they ask for it to glue it back to my fucking head, I'll have it. But I went to the dentist. Nobody ever asked for it, so it's just been in my purse.
That is.
Messy. I'm not even going to show what's in my bag.
Took the cake on best fucking opening purse. We have a dog. We have a tooth. That's a great way to start a fucking podcast. Thank you for sharing.
Just a bunch of trash. You're welcome.
The fact.
. I know what you're talking about, though, when something awkward happens and you're in that conversation and you're like, there's no right way to address what just happened, which is, my tooth is out, so I'm going to tuck that in my titties and maybe we'll address this later.
Yeah, and I only told them about it, like, I don't know, a week and a half ago, and they were like, you broke your tooth that night? You didn't say one word and I was like, it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt at all. Oop, there he is.
There he's back. Hi, Clyde. Okay, so you have... How many podcasts do you have?
Right now, I have four.
How does one mentally stay sane and have four podcasts?
So, one of the tricks is like, two of them talk about something, so it's like a built-in thing. Okay, fair. So one is 90 Day Fiance, one is me and Lauren Lapkus going through things we don't like. We're doing the Marvel Cinematic Universe right now. Cool.
The other one is Why Won't You Date Me? where we talk about love, so that's like built-in. And then the other one, Best Friends, with Sashir Zameda. She's like my best friend. I can't believe I just fumbled her name like that.
You want to try again?
Sashir shabishabit. Sashir Zameda, and that's like just about friendship and shit. It's just like we just start talking and it just goes anywhere, so it's like easy.
Okay, so your podcast, Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. To confirm, are you single?
Yes.
Okay, are you dating?
You know, I'm tired. So I was like in the thick of it and like right after I got vaccinated, I was like, yes, it's the roaring 20s. It's not. It's not. People were like free and excited for like a hot second, and then Omicron was like, hello.
And then I was like, oh, we go back inside for a little battle fucking now. So now people are just like not looking for a relationship. I'm looking to fuck until the next variant.
When did you first realize you were great at making people laugh?
I guess when I was a kid, my grandmother, she was from Barbados, and instead of being like, you, make me laugh, she'd be like, oh, you tickle me. And I'd be like, oh, I want her to say that again, so I would like keep trying to make her laugh. So she'd be like, oh, you tickle me. So when I was a kid. And then she'd be like, oh, Nicole's putting on a show.
Did you ever like have comedy to the point where, like you, were getting in trouble in school or no?
Oh, yeah. I have ADHD. So like I would just be very distracted and I would finish my work very fast and I'd be like, can we talk, you know, woman to woman? Like these kids are stupid, right? Like they're not good at anything.
And my teachers would be like, she doesn't pay attention and we don't know how to make her pay attention. And I was like, I don't know if we had learned tools about what little girls are like with ADHD. We're like flighty, talkative, annoying.
No, but I get what you're saying. Like when you're younger, you don't know how to like holster, that energy, and, like people, look at you like, huh? And it's like just learn how to teach me in the way that I have ADHD. Help me.
It would have been nicer. I would have had a nicer time at school. I had one teacher who used to just send me out of the classroom. My mother worked in the school. She'd be like, go, find your mom and don't come back without her.
So then I'd just like roam the hallways, being like, where is she? And she's like, oh, he got sent out again. I'm like, yeah.
I was just tickling the people, mom. Don't be mad at me. Okay. So for dating, well, first of all, obviously, your podcast is called Why Won't They Date You? Have you figured out that answer yet?
Where are we on that?
Yeah. I'm a lot. I'm a lot to take in. I'm a lot to handle.
I'm also a very specific type of person. I'm black. I'm fat. I'm loud. I'm successful.
That's a lot for a man to be like, I accept all of it. It's like not only am I successful, but I stick out without saying anything. How the fuck can I pretend to be anybody else? I'm only getting older, and I'm getting more tired.
I'm withering away.
Truly, just. I'm so old.
So you're kind of like, I don't have time for it, except you're like, bye, I can't. Yeah.
If you don't like it, then we got to go to the next one.
I love that energy.
Unless that dick game. good, then we could have a conversation and say, you want me to be a little quieter? I can be quiet. You shove it in my mouth, and I shut up. You do that?
Dude.
Okay, that is a good compromise. So you found your boundaries, essentially. I'm a lot, but I can reel it in if the dick proves to be worth.
Also, it's just like the dick has to be attached to a nice person. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, right. They're more than a dick. I didn't realize. Do you have a type?
I don't think I have a type. But if we look at the people I've dated for more than like a week or two, there is a type. What kind of type? A little nerdy, a little tall, glasses.
Oh, I like that, though. Like the little nerdy boy. It's a trend.
I guess so. I don't know. I just can't fathom being with like a very muscly person.
I agree with you in the sense of like. I know, seeing when men have so much muscle, all my brain goes to, and I know this is probably rude, but I'm like. that's what they do with their time.
Like do you have a job?
Like? do you put your like physique before everything?
Do you have interests? Are you on steroids?
Are you going to hurt me? Do you know, what is your biggest turn on personality-wise when you're dating someone?
I like when someone can laugh at my jokes, and I like it when someone has jokes of their own and it's not like a competition. I've been out with dudes where, like, I'll say something and they'll laugh, and then they'll say something and I'll laugh and I'll like build on it, and then they're like, I didn't want you to be funnier than me. I wanted to be the funny one. And I'm like, oh, boy, is it going to be an issue? Bye-bye.
I've realized for myself like I can be loud, and it took me a long time to realize like I cannot date the loudest person in the room, because sometimes I am, and I don't want to be competing with myself. And I'm always going to win.
Wait, are you dating someone?
I am.
Are you married?
No.
How long has it been?
It's crazy, because I've never been like a – I've not had a lot of long relationships because I've got – like I'm, like you. I've got a lot of shit that I'm doing, and I'm prioritizing, like, if they're not perfect, like I can't waste my time, kind of. Not that they have to be perfect, but you know what I mean. No, no, no.
It's just like things have to be right. Right. It has to feel good.
I always went for a specific type of guy, and for the first time I kind of ventured out a little bit to a man. that's like successful, but like a little more chill, and it's working. He's so supportive of my career. That is like the hottest thing a guy can do for you, right? Yes, yes.
And not be intimidated.
And not be intimidated and not be jealous and not bring up their shortcomings, because it's like, oh, so, you're proud of me, but then you're going to bring up this other thing that, like, is happening to you, and it's like, so you're not actually proud of me. You're just saying it while projecting your insecurities on me, and it's like, I don't want that.
Bro, we can both exist.
Yeah, we can both exist, and you can be in a low, and I can be in a high, and then I can be in a low, and you can be in a high, and it's just a fucking rollercoaster of life. It is.
What is the most ridiculous excuse someone has given you as to why they were not interested in another date, and then vice versa?
Let's see.
The most ridiculous excuse I've gotten is- Now I'm seeing like the bow tie. Dude.
He also has a purple tail.
I don't know if you can see it.
Clyde, I can see it all.
Oh, Clyde. Yeah.
He's like, okay, I'm chill now.
Yeah. He's such a good boy.
Okay, excuses, you did to basically not go back out with someone and someone that's given it to you.
Men have been rather upfront with me where they're like, you know, I just really don't see this working out. I think you're too busy or whatever, and I'm like, you know what? I am too busy. Okay. I don't give excuses.
The last date I went on where I was like, oh, this isn't good for me. I was like, hey, I didn't feel a spark, and I really wish you the best, and he went, fine. And I was like, okay.
Fine.
Fuck you. I mean, more or less, it was definitely like a big fuck you, and I was like, okay.
I actually like that. you're upfront, because I would rather them just be like, hey, it's not.
Yeah, just tell me it's not working. Like, you're not going to hurt my feelings. There's a million other people in the world, especially after like three dates where I don't fucking know you. It's like, just be like, oh, you're not who I thought you'd be. I went on a date with this dude who was like, just so you know, I have no idea who you are, and I was like, seems like you do.
Seems like if you have to tell me you don't know me, you know me. Then he got very, very drunk, and then he was like, I watched an interview you did on Conan, and I was like, oh, I thought you didn't know who I am. He's like, I don't. And I was like, huh. And he was like, my roommates know who you are.
Don't talk about me on your podcast. And I was like, well, now I'm going to have to.
What do you think? he was insinuating? I don't know who you are, Nicole.
I think it was one of those things where he was like, you're successful, and I'm going to make you feel bad about it.
The penis truly shrivels past a micro. when they do that. You're like, you're so pathetic.
Yeah, I just kept blinking. And then I was like, do you want to go to my house? Like, truly, he was like, I'm a literal red flag built in a factory who's come to life as a man. And I was like, great. Come to my house.
You're like, do you want to fuck? Yeah.
I just told you I basically hate you. You're like, perfect.
Do you want to get out of here? Come on.
Do you like that, though, when a guy is kind of like that? No. You're just enjoying it.
No, I was truly like, we've been out for a while. I've invested some time. Maybe this sex won't be fucking trash.
Might as well see.
It was trash. Also, we got in my hot tub.
So we get to the hot tub, and the light's not working in it. And I was like, let's get in it anyway. He was like, OK. And I was like, what is that in the hot tub? Is that a bird?
Or no. I was like, is that a bat? I thought there was a dead bat in my hot tub. And I was like, that's fine. Palmed, it, threw it out, and we got in the hot tub.
And then the next morning, it was definitely a dead bird.
You were so casual. You're like, let's get in the hot tub. I'll do anything to get in this hot tub. Truly.
I was like, I will get rabies as long as I get fucked.
And the next morning, sober, I was like, what are you doing, my friend?
You just took it to a whole new level, where, like, there was a dead bird. Dead bird. And you palmed it just so I could get this pussy fucked.
Yeah. And it went good.
So it wasn't bad?
No, it wasn't good.
Oh, it wasn't good.
So it was bad.
So you palmed a bird. For bad sex.
Yeah.
Regrets.
You know, when you phrase it like that, wow. Wow. Damn, Nicole. That's just sad.
You really did some nasty for not great nasty. OK, that's, um, thank you for sharing that story. That's actually quite. Are you currently on dating apps? OK, what are your thoughts on the dating apps right now?
They're not good.
Can you not be so loud? Clyde's like, oh, hi, this is a podcast.
It's like we're getting into the dating apps. I've seen my mom on those things.
They're awful. They're bad. I will. It's like nice that you can connect with people that you wouldn't normally connect with. But like everyone's really poorly behaved there.
I don't like them. I hate Bumble especially. Tinder is like fine. Hinge I've had the most success on. Riot is for Australian DJs and very pretty people.
Coffee meets bagels. Literally insane. You have to like get beans to then spend it on bagels and people are bagels. It doesn't. It's like a game and it doesn't make sense.
OK, Cupid's full of fucking weirdos. I was rejected from eHarmony. Wait, why? They said I was part of the 2% of unmatchable people. It's a long little fucking quiz.
they give you, or interview. I don't know. But they kept asking if I liked horses. They asked it, like in three different iterations. So I just answered differently when they repeat questions.
And I guess that makes you a sociopath.
Dude, you're like stop trying to force horses on me.
Wow. So bizarre.
I'm surprised you said you like Tinder.
I like Tinder.
I didn't like dick pics. No kidding.
I mean, if you want to send me your dick, I like to see what I'm working with first. No, I think I like Tinder because people are more up front on Tinder. They're like, oh, I'm not looking for anything. I'm looking for, you know, a hookup. Or they're like, I'm ethically non-monogamous and I have a partner and I'm just looking to fuck.
And I'm like, no offense, but like the ugliest, people are non-monogamous. And I'm like, you look like a sad clown with your weird Brillo pad looking hair. Right. And then you're like, strange looking partner. And it's like, why do you get to fuck so much?
This isn't fair.
Okay, if you have to marry, fuck, kill. Yes. Tinder, hinge, bumble.
Marry, hinge, fuck, Tinder, kill, bumble. I just want to get fucked. I just want to be deep dick. So well, that like, I like getting fucked, stupid. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, like you, want to just be like, what the fuck is happening?
Yeah, like who am I? Where am I?
Do you tell people that? Not, obviously, you're not saying on the dating app like, hey, I want to get dicked down, you ready? But do you, what do you say if people are like, you're never like, what are you looking for? Are you saying that?
No. So my hard, fast rule is like, I'm not trying to get to know you over texting. Fair, yeah. That's weird. You might text really great or you might be really bad at texting.
So I'm like, two interactions, three interactions and like, ask me out. If you're not asking me out, I'm moving along.
You've got to get off the app, I feel like, as fast as possible. Yes, I agree.
Have you ever had someone that's a super good texter and you meet in person and you're like, whoa.
Yes. There was this one guy who, he kind of looked like a gnome, like he had walked off someone's lawn into the bar. He like, was wearing these suspenders. He was little and I love a short king, don't get me wrong. And he was like very cute, round in the face.
I'm round in the face. I was like, this is great. And he was such a good texter. but then, in person, it was like really hard to talk to him. Yeah, he was like very, very boring.
And on that date, he had gone to the bathroom and I went to the bar to get more drinks and the bartender was like, how is your night going? And I said, awful. I'm on an awful date. And he went, that's good. And then he went, wait, what?
I repeated it. He laughed really hard. He was like, nobody's ever that honest. And then he kept bringing drinks over and the guy was like, oh, do you know the bartender? And I was like, yeah, he's my best fucking friend.
Wow.
So the gnome in you didn't work out.
No, he had to go back to the garden.
What is your best piece of dating advice?
Don't dim your light for anybody. Don't be smaller than you are just because you're scared.
of outshining somebody. Because whoever likes you for you is for you. And if they like this thing you've made up, that's a really hard thing to keep up. Exhausting. You're going to just be so tired.
Dude, I used to do kind of that when I was younger. I was a good chameleon. I was like, I can tell what this person wants and I'm going to give it to them. And you're also mature and you're just trying to connect. But goddamn, I'd be on date five and they'd be like, do you want to go to that EDM concert?
And I'm like, fuck, I forgot. I lied that I like EDM. I don't know one fucking EDM or whatever you call it. And you get so deep in that lie that then you aren't yourself. And then you have to end it, even though you're like, I probably would have liked him if I was myself.
Yeah, because there's one thing to being like, I love EDM. Oh my God, just like lasers. I also don't know EDM. I think at concerts maybe there's lasers.
I don't know anything. I don't know either.
But it's another thing to be like, I don't know EDM, but I'm happy to share that with you if you want to take me and teach me.
Health and wellness.
Right? I mean, this is a lot of fucking therapy that I've gone through.
We're slowly going downhill.
The liquor's hitting.
We're like, it's just so hard when you're lying about yourself to yourself and then also your partner, and things just get dark. Anyways, do you have light guidelines of how long you tell yourself you will wait to fuck someone or hook up? Emphasis on the light guideline and what you tell yourself.
I like to fuck on that first date.
Get it in there.
I mean, kind of, because then it's like, okay, we had a good first date and then we wait, and then we wait and then we wait and then like, what if it's bad? And I mean, for some people, sex is not important. Totally. And that's like, good for you, but it's important to me. And I mean, I waited once.
six whole dates. Six whole dates? Did you say month?
No, never.
No, six whole dates, which was like, I guess, two weeks, because we were like pretty fast and furious. And then it was bad. We just really had no chemistry, even kissing. And I was like, oh, no. I've wasted six dates?
Six whole dates? I'm also still single. So I'm so single.
You're like, so everything I'm saying, you're the opposite? Just in case. Yeah, truly.
Someone's taking notes. They're like, okay, so wait for six weeks.
No, but I think it's good, too, because you've clearly, you have such a formula for yourself of you know it fucking works. Everyone's got their preference. And I think that it's good to hear from you, though. Like, ladies, if you're fucking listening, get out there and fuck.
Yeah, and I also think there's like no hard rules. It's like whatever fucking works for you works for you. It might not work for somebody else. Also, relationships are hard. I feel like sometimes people are like, they're so easy.
And I'm like, lies. Lies. Friendships are hard. It's hard to have like, to, like keep up with friendships sometimes. So like, who is your friend?
Because whoever you date should be your friend. And then you're going to add sex on top of that and then expectations, because they're more than a friend.
Like, that, shit's hard.
Yes, and boundaries and being like, I want this from you. I don't want this. Like, relationships I think are really hard.
They're so hard, and that's such a good topic, just of like how underrated. And I always feel bad. Like, I have girls write into me, always like, yo, I'm feeling like fucking shit because, like all my friends are in relationships, and I'm single, and like I can't help but like. obviously I'm happy for them, but I'm having a little hard time being fully happy because I'm like, fuck you guys. But it's like everyone goes through the single phase, and you fucking feel it when you're in that single phase.
And it's like no one talks about, like you should be at times fucking depressed when you're dating, because it can make you feel like shit about yourself.
It's soul sucking. And not in the good way.
Not in the good way. But I'm sure it makes for good content.
Sometimes. I have literally like been driving to a date and like looked at the heavens and been like, I don't want a story. I just want to meet someone nice. And then he'll be like, I drove a scooter here, and scoot away from me. And I'm like, well, okay.
That's my next stand up.
So I got to go. All right. You know, I can't have anything nice.
Dude, that's actually so fucking sad. I felt that in the beginning of Call Her Daddy. Some of these dates I'd be like, man, you know, the first, like 20 episodes of Call Her Daddy, I was like I'm popping off with this content. And then I was like, it would be cool to have just like one good one. Yeah.
Just one nice date where the person was like fucking normal. And you're like, well, that's not in the cards for me.
Then the gnome and the scooter showed up, and that was fucking shit. What is your vocal level in the bedroom? And what do you like from a partner?
I don't think I'm like loud, loud, loud. But I like to be like, I'm enjoying myself. If it's dead ass, silent, and it's just like, I'm like, oh, no. Are we all concentrating hard? And it's not that difficult.
It's not. Yeah. I like to let my partner know that, like I'm enjoying myself. I like when a guy moans.
If a guy moans and it's like, fuck. Yes.
And I'm like, I'm doing this. Yes. Yes.
My pussy's so tight he can't help himself but make noise. It makes me so happy. I love a vocal guy.
I agree. Like, have you ever had a guy that's so quiet, and would you ever say something to try to get him to be?
Yeah. I'd be like, do you like this? When he's going to be like.
I've never had anyone nod their head at me.
Me either.
It's like, well, you got to wait till you're not facing them, because they have to have an audible response.
Give me the verbal cue, because I can't.
So if they're hitting him from behind, you go, you like this? And he can't go. He has to go, yes, yes, yes. It's nice. Yes.
Actually, guys, you heard it here first. It's actually really, really great advice, Nicole. Ignore. everything else she said. But this one we can go with.
Say it while you're getting fucked from the back.
Yes, because then whoever's back there has to say a word, because otherwise they're ignoring you and it's like, excuse me. You back there? And then, if you're blowing someone, if you just look up at them and go, does that feel really good for you? They'll either nod, and then if they nod, they go. You can just go, yeah, how good does it feel?
And then they'll be like, really, really good. And you're like, keep telling me that. And then you just have to coach somebody into what you like.
You're the teacher and you got to just give them the prompts and just let them, even if it's a one-word answer. That's a start rather than silence.
Yes, and then, when someone goes, I like that. Don't stop. Don't you fucking dare. Do something. Don't wiggle your hips.
Nobody wants it.
Nobody wants circles. Right, right. I'm not a fucking holo.
You were pounding me that way and I liked it. Don't. For whatever reason, I feel like whenever you go, don't stop, they're like, okay.
Yes, they get this confidence that they're like, oh, she likes it, and they go into a different rhythm.
I'm like, that's not it.
This is painful. now. The jackhammer.
I went on a date once with this man who had really long fingernails, and there was like dirt under them. And he's like, should we get out of here? And the only thing I could think of was like, he's going to give me tetanus when he fingers me. I was like, I can't go anywhere with this man. So I like, I can't remember what I told him, but I like, lied.
I think I was like, I have an early flight. And he was like, he got kind of like mad. And I was like, I didn't know how to be like, you're going to make me sick in my pussy.
I do look at men's fingers.
You have to. If there's jagged edges, that's going to cut you up.
Protect the pee.
If there's dirt, you're going to get tetanus. If they're long, they might scratch you. I had a dude scratch me, and then he went, ew. You got your period.
And I was like, one, you said, ew. Two, you did this. You injured me.
You injured me. Carving holographics in your fucking pussy, and you're like, you need to reel it in.
Damn, he cut you that bad?
Uh-huh. And had the audacity to blame it on mother nature. Yeah, ew. This is fucking human, inflicted, you asshole.
It was rude.
Wow, OK. Is there anything specific that you will not do in the bedroom?
Oh, I mean like extreme stuff, like you can't shit on me. Also, no pee, pee.
It just doesn't seem nice. Like you. just wait there for it.
Would you do it to them?
I mean, yeah. If someone was like, can you pee on me? I'd be like, well, we have to get in the shower. I'm not like, on my bed.
Yeah, I'd sit on his bed.
In his bed.
And you're not sleeping over.
I'm not sleeping over. Let it rip. No, because I feel like men don't do their sheets often enough, and I feel like the next time I come over, I'd be like, is that the pee stain from two days ago?
OK, but that's good. You won't let someone pee on you. No, shitting on you. No, thank you. I think that's good.
It seems, I mean, not to yuck someone's yum. What an awful phrase. Not to like, kink shame. There we go. But that's not for me.
OK, I think that's very fair.
OK, wait, what wouldn't you do in the bedroom? I think I went to an extreme, and I can't. I'm like trying to think of something normal.
No, no, you're like, did I take it too far? No, I would not like those things, like a gag in my mouth. I can't. If it's a penis, that's fine, but an actual thing that's literally asphyxiating me, I don't like not being able to properly breathe. So I think that's my line.
But I'm pretty open. I'm trying to think. It's a hard question that I asked, and I don't even know my own answer. So what does that say about me?
I'm trying to think. I think you could gag me, because then I'd be like, peace. I can't talk. I'll just think.
Honestly, that's kind of good, too, because if you have a mute partner, you can be like, today, it's your time to shine, baby. I'm going to be mute. You do your thing.
You say whatever you want.
Would you be down to have your partner like a cuck holding situation? Would you watch them fuck another person in front of you? Or would that make you really upset?
I think I would get upset, because I'm like, hey, you've never done that with me. Yeah, I think I would just like really bring it back to myself.
Where you're, just like in the corner, like the sad emoji eyes and the tears. Yeah, fair. Would you have a threesome?
Yeah. I would have a threesome. I think that sounds like a nice time. Although I do think a foursome would be nicer, because I think when three people get together, there's always one who's like, when do I tag in? Excuse me?
I think there's a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte has a threesome with the dude she's dating. And then they just hook up, and she's like trying to get in. And then she's like, OK. I think that's what you're talking about.
And you're literally like, put me in, coach.
Put me in, coach.
I'm ready.
I studied. I studied. I don't know sports. I watched all the sports this morning.
I know exactly what I'm supposed to do. And no one wants me to do it. Yeah, that's actually fair. You could be the odd man out. And if there's four, the other two people are going to be like, we might as well do something, because they're fucking.
You know? I actually agree. OK, what's your take on it? I'm going to just randomly rattle off topics. And just give me what comes to your head when you think of it.
Gym selfies.
Gym selfies? I mean, does anyone know you went to the gym. if you don't take a selfie? It's like the tree falling in the woods. I used to tweet about going to the gym just to be like, I went.
Is everyone proud of me? I was there. I did it. I did it. I talked about missing personal training today, just so you know, I do move.
Sometimes I move a lot. That's the first thing that came out of my mouth, because I needed you to know where.
I'm at in my personal journey.
What about ketamine?
Ketamine? Special K? Fun.
K-hole.
Sometimes you get in a K-hole and you dance in a corner. And then your friends are like, are you OK? And you're like, am I?
Time of my life. Unsolicited nudes.
Hey, no. We got to ask before we send naked pictures of ourselves to people. Not everybody wants it. But also, sometimes it is funny when you get a weird looking dick and you're like, oh, why are you so confident? Yeah.
It almost makes you see them in a different light. Good or bad, it's good to just get that out of the way.
Yeah, I once got a dick pic. He was in a custodial closet, so there was a mop next to it. And I was like, is this here for a size reference? Why is there a mop in the background of this?
I think I've seen a picture of a guy holding something near a remote next to him.
Yeah, a remote or like a Coke can to be like, look how big this is. But it's like, you spent time with your dick out in your hand, comparing it to things.
The thought of a guy doing that makes me like them less. I don't know why that makes me cringe. for them. They're like, wait, let me find something small but big enough.
Very funny to think about.
It is. Photos of men holding fish that they caught.
You know, I feel like a lot of people have issues with it. But I'm like, you're telling me up front that you like fishing. I've never been fishing. I don't plan on going fishing. So, like, I think that's great.
You know, you do you. I probably won't go out with you.
It's great. It gives you the contextual clues that this may not be the one. Yes. That's actually really great. Sixty-nining.
Sixty-nining? I think, I don't know. Sometimes I think it's more work than you need to be doing. Because it's like, okay, so it's like you're going to eat my penicillin, I'm going to suck your dick. And at the same time, it's like, why are we trying to shorten it?
by killing two birds with one stone?
Yeah, like let's just elongate. Yeah.
And then there's something to, just like writing in someone's face and not having to do any work.
Amen. Shower sex.
I've never, because it scares me. Because what if we slip? What if we fall? The phone's not near. Are we just going to bleed out and die with shards of glass around us?
I did ask my friends this year. I was like, if I do end up having shower sex, can I have you on the phone?
I'll mute you for a minute.
Mute me, like whatever you want. Lower the volume. Well, I guess she can't mute me because she'd have to be listening. I guess it'd be quieter than normal, but she'd have to listen to, like the scream, the glass breaking. I'm like really afraid of it.
Like, imagine, just like getting wrapped up in a shower curtain and rolling right out of the tub and you hit your head.
Also, what a bad way to go, because then they find you and you're exposed, and it's just not cute.
I don't know. I think it's pretty funny.
It's a funny way to die for yourself, but maybe for other people to find you. They're like, oh God, I don't want to see her like this. at the end. You know, it's a little like, oh, it's not great for all parties involved. What about monogamy?
I'm for monogamy. I think there's something to be in a relationship with someone and then like fucking working through problems. And like, I don't know, being together and like that's your ride or die and you love them.
I love that. I think that's cute and hot. I agree. Like it is a really cool bond that you only have a few times in your life.
I agree. Yeah.
Keeping possessions gifted by an ex.
Yeah, you gave it to me. So why wouldn't I keep it? You said here, that's for you. I unwrapped it. That's mine.
You're going to take it back. Go, fuck yourself.
What if you have a new partner? Would you still keep possessions from your ex?
Yes. Okay, what is this person giving me? Jewelry. Yes. It's jewelry.
I'm wearing it. It meant something when they gave it to me and it's like a memory, but like I'm with somebody new. So, just like, understand that I had a life before you and I'll have a life after you.
Okay. Never have I ever.
Okay.
Every time you've done it, drink.
So confused with. never have I. I drink when I've done it or when I've not done it.
You've done something that I name. And I haven't read these yet because my team came up with these ones. So I'm not, this is not rigged.
Okay.
I'm going to read these off. And if we've both done it, we drink and we tell the story with it. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm going to think too much of it.
Okay. Never have I ever had a sugar daddy.
No.
Well, this is like a half dip.
Like, Ooh, tell me about this.
I went on seeking arrangements back when I didn't have a job. I was like, I got to get that cash. Like, but I don't want to fuck for it. So I thought there's always, there's like something here of, like the, the glory stories of like, Oh, he would just give me all this money. And I just had to send him pictures of my feet.
And like, I'm like, I gotta, there's gotta be one out there for me. So I met this guy over the phone. He was quite little. And this is not an exaggeration. 80 years old.
All he wanted was companionship. And he called, I had like two phone conversations. I couldn't take it seriously. I'm like expecting cash. I'm like, he's going to fucking give me cash.
I lived in New York. at the time. He offered me a, um, a parking spot in this parking garage that he had a parking spot in.
And in New York, though, I was broke. I'm like, I'm broke. Did you have a car? I didn't have a car. But you could have rented that space out.
You should have accepted that space. Gone out with him once a week, rented that parking spot out. And that's cash for you. Especially if it was in a good location.
Jesus Christ. Oh yeah. Hopefully it wasn't like Midtown. Okay. Cheated on a partner.
Never have I ever cheated.
No.
Me either. I don't think.
I just would, I tell people my business. If I cheated on someone, I'd be like, guess what I did? Oh, I fucked somebody. good, last night. I'm really sorry.
Yeah. I can't keep a secret.
Fair. Peed the bed as an adult.
Oh, yes.
Yeah, me too. Okay. Yeah. That's not great.
Yeah. I just got too drunk. Like just absolutely annihilated, and woke up and was like, oh no.
It's so sad too. Cause you're like alone with your thought of like, you know, when you have those dreams, and in your dream, you're peeing and you release. That's when mine came. I was like in my dream, I got to pee so bad. And then it happened.
And then you wake yourself up and there I was just soiled.
Were you drunk though? No. See, that's nicer. That's nicer that it was a dream. I was just so drunk that I blacked out and woke up and was like, oh man, God, I feel.
awful about myself. That's okay. That's okay. Fucked more than one person in 24 hours.
I don't know. I don't know if I've paid enough attention to the time. Okay.
There was like a week where I was just like very horny and I was talking to like four different dudes on Tinder and it just aligned that one of them was free at like five and then the other one was free at like 10 and I was like, well, might as well see this one at five and then this other one at 10 and the one at five, he was like, he, when he ate me out, he like kicked his feet and I could see it in the mirror. Like, wait, his feet were hanging off the bed and he was just like kicking her feet and I was like, oh no, how do I tell him he's gotta go? But then I was like, I guess we'll just finish. And then the guy who came later was a DJ and he loved that purple devil emoji. These were two not great people.
It's all right.
It's all right. It's all right.
You knocked him out in 24 hours.
Sure did.
You saw the true colors. So which one was better?
Uh, the DJ, ironically enough, was much better.
The DJ. Yeah. Okay. That is a fucking incredible. Films myself having sex.
Do you ever worry? it will come out?
No, because my face isn't in it, and if it does come out, everyone could go, wow, look at her.
She's good at that.
I don't know.
She's so good at that. I hope he doesn't. Slept with a coworker.
Oh. I mean, I slept with somebody who I worked at a clothing store with, and then I feel like comedy is like incestuous.
Yeah. I heard that.
You kind of, just kind of fuck everybody.
Okay. Would you rather? You can take a minute to think about these.
Would you rather date someone who refuses to kiss you or someone who refuses to give you oral sex?
Oh, no. Those are both so awful. Oh no, my God. Oh, what do I choose?
This is really awful and I don't know why you've done this to me. I'm stressed for you. I'm like really stressed out.
I don't know what I would say.
And it's funny because it's like. this is a game. This isn't like my life.
This isn't binding. We're taking this seriously.
This isn't a legal document. I'm signing.
I guess oral sex can go because, like I, do love a kiss on the lips and that's nice.
I agree with you. Like the day-to-day. Yeah.
Yes. So then maybe pick someone that's not good at it, so you can compromise of like, oh, I'm not missing out.
Yeah. There you go.
Would you rather cry every time you orgasm or fart every time you orgasm? Fart! Really?
I don't want to boo-hoo.
True.
That might turn like. that might give someone a complex to be like, okay, so you like, come, but then you're like crying. I don't know if it's tears of happiness.
Yeah. Yeah. But if it's just like burp and then it's over. Yeah. Would you rather unknowingly marry your second cousin or unknowingly marry someone who has committed murder?
Oh, okay. I think I would rather marry my cousin because, okay, sure, the genes are close, but like, I don't know. We're two consenting adults. I think maybe we've, I don't know, like, is it really that bad? I don't know.
This is going to be like the thing people pull from this. They're like, she said, fuck your family. And I'm like, no, I didn't say that.
I just don't want to marry a murderer. Right?
They don't hear the other side of it. And you're like, I think that you can marry your cousin. Nasty.
She's fucking sick, dude.
Okay. So, to confirm, you would rather that over a murderer? Yeah.
I don't want to marry a murderer. Fair.
Would you rather be dumped on Valentine's Day or find out you had chlamydia?
Oh, I think I'd rather find out I had chlamydia, because, you know, the drugstore is still open on Valentine's Day. And we could clean that right up.
I agree. You pop the pill. I've had it. It'll be all good.
A lot of people have had it. We need to normalize getting an STI.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.
Also, when did they rebrand? I just found out it's STI and not STD. Gonorrhea was like, we need to change our image. Not a disease. We're an infection, baby.
They're literally rebranding. That's funny. Who rebranded it? I don't know. The Doctors of America?
Is that a thing?
I guess it's supposed to make us maybe feel better.
Yeah, because it's not a disease. It's an infection. It can go away.
It can go away. Some of them. Yeah. Okay. Would you rather never be able to watch porn again, or never be able to use a vibrator while masturbating?
Oh, watching porn. Yeah. I love a vibrator. Ooh, a Hitachi Magic Wand. Ooh.
A Theragun. Ooh.
Wait, you use the Theragun on your pussy?
Hell. yeah, dude. Sometimes you get so lonely that you're like, I need to be hurt.
I fucking love a Theragun. You put it on the lowest setting, though, because if you do the highest setting, just straight out the gate, you might fucking pound your clit to outer space. But I do like a Theragun. The little one, not the big one.
Oh, because I have the big one, and I'm like, would that crimp my hand?
No. I use that one, too. No, the, oh.
Because I have done that, too.
You just like kind of turn it, and it's, yeah. It's great.
I really like, and then you have to wash it before you use it on your back or someone else's back next time. Oh. That's fair.
That's fair. Wow. That would be insane if you were like, this is on my pussy.
Yeah, here you go. For your back and your neck problems. Yeah. Damn, a Theragun. Okay.
Good to know.
But also, you know, you have to wash all yours.
Of course. Of course. I'm just saying like some, yeah, okay. Okay.
Now my trending is going to be Alex doesn't wash her sex toys.
We're just fully incriminating ourselves here today. Have you ever used an electric toothbrush on the back of it?
No.
Desperate times. And I will say, not bad.
Really? I don't know if it's got enough juice for me.
It doesn't have enough juice, but it, when you're, I've been in hotels where I forgot and you're just like, I don't want to do this with my hand. Fair. And then, but then the next morning when I go to brush my teeth, I obviously go get a new toothbrush. Fair. Unless you're into that, you know?
I mean. I mean during sex, you probably taste yourself anyway, so.
But you're using the back end. You're not using the bristles.
Because sometimes you're moving around a little bit.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Would you rather only be able to have missionary sex for the rest of your life, or only be able to be fingered for the rest of your life? I feel like that's easy.
It depends on the penis and it depends on the hand. Fair. Big meaty fingies? That's nice. That's true.
Big meaty dick? That's nice. Meaty dick, tiny fingies? I take the dick. Yeah.
You have to look at the logistics.
That's actually a really interesting point, because I know some guys that are so good at fingering and not as good at the dick game. Is that weird? When I've had a guy that was so good at fingering and I was like, this sex is going to be fire. Mm-hmm. And then we had sex and I was like, go back to fingering me.
That was awful. And like guys that can finger, I think it's so hot.
Uh-huh.
But I don't think I would take it over sex.
I think it really depends.
Yeah. You're right. You're right. Let's leave it at that. Okay.
Questions from my listeners. We call them the Daddy Gang. Okay. If you want to say, hey, Daddy Gang.
Hey, Daddy Gang. Woo.
Okay. This girl wrote in and said, I have a crush on my gym trainer. Okay. I feel like he has a crush back, but I don't know for sure. We text all day and night.
Oh. Is there a way I can figure out if he's feeling me too, without coming out and saying it? Do I have to make the first move, since it's his business?
Mm. Yeah. I do think you have to make the first move, since it is his business. Because then he's like a little creepy. and why are you actually training?
Is it to pick up women? And it will change your relationship and it will not be the same. But I do think there's something to just being like, let me just shoot my shot. Are you single and do you want to go out to dinner? And if he's like, oh, oh, I thought we were just friends.
Are you like, oh, my bad.
And then get a new trainer. Yeah. And change gyms. Yeah. That's the only thing that does suck.
And move to a different state.
Yes, move.
Get a new car. Who's your family? You don't know.
Okay, next. How fucked up is it to hook up with your stepbrother if your parents got married when you were both already in your 20s?
I mean, again, you're not related.
Right. You're going to go viral. Like all of a sudden. everyone's like, she's so into incest. No.
Please look at the question.
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