#605 - KEVIN RYAN + H FOLEY + YANNIS PAPPAS

All right, Ben, I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile. After looking at them, Tony, they make the best jewelry around.

On Bluenile.

Com. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can ever imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler. Blue Nile is the original online jeweler. Since 1999. They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that, in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside.

In most cases, it can be delivered overnight. Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee for free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now. Get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com, plus, use code TONY to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more.

That's $50 off with code Tony at Bluenile.

Com Bluenile.

COM Hey, this is Red Ben, and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

Kill Tony And every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Deathsquad.

TV there you have video portions to all the shows, and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the weekly Secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You can also go to Shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merchandise and go to ryanjebelt..com. He's the house artist.

He draws every episode, he sells prints.

And Tony is on tour right now, so go to tonyhenchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Ben coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

It's clear.

Are you guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight? or what?

Fuck yeah, Welcome to Kill Tony. Brought to you by the Red Rose, The Yellow Rose Gel Blaster Deep Eddie Vodka.

And the Red Rose Guard Service The best security guards in the world, are here in Austin, Texas. CM Smokehouse and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony Band Everybody.

That's the great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar right there, John D's on the keys, Paul Diemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

And this is D madness, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the motherfucking only. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight before we start tonight's show. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? or what you got to do better than that? We're in heaven folks. Are you ready to start tonight's show?

Three of my favorite comedians on planet Earth are your guests tonight. Fucking New York Royalty make some noise for Giannis, Papas, Kevin, Ryan and H. Foley, everybody.

Giannis Papas Kevin Ryan here scoot a little closer to me.

Hell, yes, we are doing this shit. Welcome Giannis Papas, your first time on the show. First time. We're going to have so much fucking fun.

Giannis Papas Does the Giannis Papas show our available everywhere? Kevin, Ryan and H. Foley, of course, of the Are you Garbage? podcast.

Yes, sir, thank you buddy. One of my favorite podcasts I've ever done, and you guys have been on this show before. Giannis first time, but we're going to have a fucking blast, Giannis. You might not know this, but over 200 comedians signed up for the opportunity to be on this show tonight.

They are loaded in the back alleyway right now. I'm not kidding. They bring their own drinks, they play dice, they make friends.

It's fucking incredible, the energy in this alleyway. It is a precious thing that'll probably be ruined by somebody soon. I could just see a mass shooter after a bad set. But hopefully they use gel blaster, available in stores everywhere. Nobody gets hurt.

Very, very exciting. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which interrupts their set. Yeah, that's just if they go too long.

Anyway, after their time is up, I interview them, we have a bunch of fun, we all meet them together. Anything can happen, the whole thing is improvised.

You guys ready to start tonight's show? yes.

Well, well, well, before we do, I have a very, very, very special announcement. How many of you have been listening to this show? Or at least gone back in the catalog from two or three years ago and earlier? How many of you are really longtime fans of this show?

Well, you newbies out there, you might not know this, but we used to have an entirely different band. They would come out in full characters, they would commit to these characters throughout the show, sometimes they would change characters throughout the show, legends of the show.

When we moved to Austin, they all have families and things, they all stayed in Los Angeles.

But tonight is a special, special night. So joining the new band, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the former Kill Tony band, everybody.

Hey everybody, this is Red band coming to you live at the comedy Mothership. Give it up for your host Tony Inchcliff.

Fuck yeah, fuck yeah.

We're moving the show to North Korea, they're more compliant there. Guys, you know how this shit works. Every week I have one of my funniest friends. Come out tonight is no different.

Please put your hands together for Joe Rogan.

He just kicked an elk. he now has a grill that is elk and jalapenos. I do believe those are real jalapenos. Let's not make too much of a mess here.

Oh, my goodness, that is a pool cue, he's put on a pool glove and he's lining up his shot.

With a grill, oh.

He just broke the pool. Cue. For those of you listening to the podcast and not watching. It appears to be the real Joe Rogan. If he was the lead singer for R.e.m, or, uh, it appears to be R.e.m.

Stands for ready to eat meat, rare elk meat. Rogan's club has two stages, but clearly Rogan is stage four right now.

Still trying to chew through that first piece of sausage over there.

Still, a little more post-swallow second round. Joe Rogan Welcome to the show. I always listen to Tony about swallowing. Oh, there you go.

Very good, yes, indeed, I'm gay, yes.

You sons of bitches.

And red band looking a little bit healthier than usual over there.

What do you got a sound effect?

Oh, just like the actual red band, very accurate, very accurate. When somebody's talking, you'll get it to work perfectly, right on the funny line, or something like that.

Who's running the Mics Red Band? Is it? is it? Oh, all right.

I don't think that mic's on, it's on, it's too quiet for that little mic. All right, well, here we are off and running.

We couldn't possibly get more people on this stage. This is a hazard. We are doing a little stress test to the stage tonight. We're gonna see what happens. Jeremiah Watkins has a new special on YouTube called Daddy, so make sure you check that out.

Joel has the Dogs of Browntown podcast and the Mad Peaceful band. Check out that Mad Peaceful band on everything. And Jetski has the new juicy couture at jetskijohnson..com. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what I mean it now?

What's up?

There's a lot of stuff here. I was talking to a gay earlier today because that's how open-minded I am. I talk to everybody, even gays, and he was like, I'm not gay, I'm trans. I was like, That's the gayest thing I've ever heard of, That's gay as fuck, bro.

I love going to olive garden and asking for chopsticks.

Sorry about the weather balloons, we just wanted to see the train derail in Ohio.

They're still using our railroads.

I love it here in Texas, you guys don't change lanes, you teach lessons.

All right, that's my time. Thank you, Hans Kim.

Absolutely doing it, dude fantastic. thank you Tony. How do you feel? I feel amazing?

I always say that, but yeah, I love the old band. Hello, there's something about this guy I don't like. No, he's one of the good ones, me.

Me, we like him. JOE ROGAN, Is this your first time on the show? This is your first time seeing Hans Kim since you turned into a cancer patient? Let's talk about it. He's incredible.

I love him. Thank you Joe. I would love to suck your cock someday. Wow, all right.

You'll have to steal the job from me, that's true, that's true, and I am not letting go. I am old Lockjaw Hinchcliffe.

Over here, you know what I mean?

I love it.

Hans Kim I do believe for some of your first times, what do we think? What is the analysis here of the great Hans Kim? He speaks English, that's good, yeah.

It is squeaky, clean and super clear. Hans, What have you been up to this week? What's going on in your life? This weekend has been great.

I got my drone back, I'm a full man again, I can fly the skies. Asian hell.

Yeah, you got your drone back, F-16 shot it down.

So what else? I got to kick someone out of my show in Dallas? I got to toothpaste them, that was the code word. I was like, toothpaste, toothpaste.

What was the person in the audience doing? They were just having a conversation in the front row and I got to, you know, bring down the hammer on them, bring out my inner Tony Hinchcliffe, be like, You're out of here. I don't really do that, and I sure as fuck don't go. Toothpaste, toothpaste, toothpaste.

Oh my God, what do I do? I fucking handle it myself like a man, you little bitch, don't you know? Martial arts? Yeah, did somebody say martial arts?

I love this Tony Hinchcliffe, It's like, if this show aired on Telemundo, that's what he would be like, the Telemundo Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, you better watch it. Giannis, I'm telling Rogan on, you don't do that, please.

¿Muertos, Tony.

So funny, I am going to tell Rogan on you, so Hans, anything else crazy. We have to know about any more viruses you guys got planned or something like that.

Hey, what's coming down the pipe, big guy, huh? How about giving a heads up to the boys? Get started on that vaccine now, shit.

Why don't you go make me a gyro? GIANNiS Okay, whoa, that's over the line.

That's racist.

I'm half Turkish, I did my DNA, I'm a rape baby, and it's pronounced gyro, yeah.

Hey Hans, do you ever jerk off with toothpaste?

Red band, Red band. What kind of question is that? blue kind? what kind of question is that?

Do you do you ever jerk off to toothpaste? No, I like to dry, heave it, I respect that.

You gag a lot when you're brushing your teeth. Yeah, I do, but I also don't use any lube. I just like to do it dry just because I don't want to clean up afterwards. That's right.

We've talked about this. It's super creepy. Old, no-lube Jenkins over here, just fucking raw-dogging his own hand. It is incredible. I love it, Hans.

Anything else crazy we need to know about before we let you go?

In what situations are you picking her up? is this after you roofie her and have to carry her away? What does the grunt sound like?

Can we get subtitles on that grunt, please?

I love it. You pick her up during sex, No, just when she's falling asleep on the couch and I'm like, Hey, let's go to the bedroom.

She has someone squatting in her living room, so I'm like, Hey, we can't have sex here. Is she a paraplegic? Why do you have to carry her to the bedroom? Do her legs work?

She's just sleeping a lot. I think it's because she works early and I work late, so I'm up when she's sleeping. I'm awake when she's sleeping a lot. And I don't do anything illegal.

Right?

Not illegal if she.

Sounds like you guys love being together when we're awake, it's amazing.

Okay, Hans, Well, another new minute, you got the show started. I love it, Hans.

Kim does it every week, follow him on social media, follow him on tour and like that. We go to the bucket for the first time tonight. This is where shit actually starts to get a little crazy.

Perhaps you signed up, perhaps your friend signed up, or it's one of the 200 souls in the alleyway.

We're going to meet them all together. It goes by the name of Hakim Yasat.

Hakim yasat that was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim.

This audience looks like they have no idea where they're at right now. This is incredible. How many of you have listened to an episode of the show before? Oh, okay.

You guys all look shocked and appalled for some reason.

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I wish I knew about them earlier. I love Blue Nile. after looking at them, Tony, they make the best jewelry around on Bluenile.com. You can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can ever imagine at a price you won't find at a traditional jeweler.

Blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999.

They're committed to ensuring that the highest ethical standards are observed when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Their diamond price guarantee means that, in most cases, they can meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Every Blue Nile order is insured and arrives in packaging that won't give away what's inside. In most cases, it can be delivered overnight.

Blue Nile offers a 100 satisfaction guarantee with guaranteed free shipping and returns. So you can make sure your ring is the one. And because you want that love to last forever, you get guaranteed service and repair on it for life. Right now. Get 30 off select Lab-grown diamonds on Bluenile.com. Plus, use code TONY to get $50 off your engagement ring purchase of $500 or more.

That's $50 off with code Tony at Bluenile.

Com Bluenile.

Com Alright, Hakeem yasat should be walking up any second, Hakeem yasat right out of the bucket.

Here we go, Hakeem Yasat everybody.

Woo, what's up, everybody?

He's like, 5'2 and my mom's 5'7.

And you guys hear the stereotypes for short guys, if a guy's short and he's with a hot woman.

So you know how uncomfortable it is for me walking around town, imagining my dad's big dick because I know he has no money.

It hurts, man, it really hurts. And the worst thing about it is a 5'2 Black guy and a 5'7 Black woman. Don't make a 6 guy. I know that because I put 6 on my license and the lady who was checking it, she was like, I can see it.

With some good shoes, I can see it. I'm like, damn way to destroy my confidence, man. It was horrible.

I've been black for a couple years now and a lot of weird stuff keeps happening to me. Man. A lot of people keep thinking, I'm security. Damn man, okay, that's good.

You want to finish it? No, no, this is all good. Okay, there you go, ladies and gentlemen.

Hakim yassat his first minute ever on kill Tony.

Welcome Hakim to the fold. Thank you, thank you man, thank you, thank you. Okay, absolutely.

You're welcome, you're welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years and all of that in New York City? I started in Dallas and I moved to New York last year, and I've been there for 13 months now.

What made you pick New York instead of Austin coming from Dallas? Most of my family is from Maryland, so I'm close to family out there, and I have cousins who play jazz in New York. So I was like, Oh, it's a closer family, very cool.

I know the farming industry has been having trouble lately, but I didn't really notice until I saw your corn rows.

Somebody get Monsanto on the phone.

Talk about a bad harvest this year, huh?

I did not expect that voice to come out of that haircut at all.

Everyone says that, everyone says I have a white-sounding voice, man, I'm like, This is me, dude. Yeah, your appearance is first. 48 on A&E.

And your voice is private school, which is accurate. I went to private school for a year and then I got kicked out.

You grew up with white people, we can hear it. You definitely duped a couple leasing agents on the phone. Sure, come on right by.

I got to listen to podcasts all day and walk around. No one really cares how soon they get their packages. I'm not going to say I would steal them, but I could.

People definitely think you're stealing their packages.

Especially when they hear your voice on the intercom.

Amazon delivery in New York City seems like a fucking tough job, right? It's actually super easy. The worst thing that happened to me is that we have to pull a hand cart and we put all the packages on there. One time we were doing it in the ghetto and this guy gets taken and beaten up. He didn't get stabbed, though, which is weird.

He said they all had knives and they took all his packages. Then he quit and texted me later, bragging about how much money he has. Now, I think he just stole all of it.

That's called an exit strategy right there.

What do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or special skills or talents? I'm actually a really good cook. I used to want to be a chef, so I was practicing, learning how to cook. I worked in the food industry for a while and I realized that shit sucks, so I stopped doing that.

I still have a whole bunch of skills, so I'm a really good cook, actually, other than being a cook, what else?

Editing videos sometimes.

What is your favorite Apex predator?

Good question Joe Rogan with a great question, Do you like the bear?

Alright, Joe, relax.

I'm going to say the police.

The police are actually good to me every time I call them, they come really quickly. Yeah, on the phone, for sure. Then they show up in a rush job.

You're like, I called, and they're like, No, you didn't, man, that's not good. We got him, he's stealing the Amazon packages.

How long are you in Austin for?

You're leaving tonight. Are you driving? Yeah, I'm driving. I'm driving back to Dallas because my family is out there. You have the Amazon truck?

What are you driving to Dallas tonight? A Honda CRV, he's definitely getting pulled over tonight.

Alright, Hakeem, what's your love life like?

I used to be fat before I moved to New York, so I wasn't getting any girls. But I lost like 80 pounds while living up there. How did you lose 80 pounds? Here you go Red band, here you go Red band. How about Foley? Open your ears.

I stopped eating as much in Texas, food is super cheap, so I used to go to buffets, stopped eating as much, red band stopped eating as much.

That shit don't work.

Hey Red band, I started walking way more and exercising. Jesus Christ, what the fuck, who just threw that Joe Rogan or Red Band? It was me, sorry.

Damn it Trans Red Band, I hate you.

The proper trans, this guy's pouring his heart out about weight loss, throwing cheeseburgers around.

My contract said no trans fats.

I drove out of here and I'm not going to get up, but then I got up first and I'm like, this is fucking awesome, this is the best thing ever.

Hakeem Giannis Papas. Now, if you make it big in comedy. Have you considered a name change so you don't get on no-fly lists? Or what are you going to do with that name? You've got to travel for this career, so you don't want to get pulled over by Homeland Security with that name. Perhaps Kodak Crack? Oh, I like it.

That's pretty good. You were walking away with a brand new Kill Tony handmade Texas leather joke book with a great bonsai. You're leaving with a gel blaster, too, you're going to get that on your way out there. He goes, Hakeem, Yassat, everybody.

All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Noah Davidson is next Noah Davidson. Hell yeah, and it has begun. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show?

All right, I see what we're working with. Noah Davidson is next on Kill Tony. They have to come through and get wanded and patted down. Here. He is Noah Davidson, everyone.

Growing up, my mom told me.

That I had a simolean complex, which is weird, and it never made sense to me because my anger issues have nothing to do with ice cream.

Slow burn.

No, the reason I was angry is because at a young age, my father went to prison for abusing me.

For those of you that don't know, sending your own father to prison is a lot like sending your own daughter to college.

Once they're gone, they get raped.

Statistically speaking.

Thank you, I appreciate it, thank you so much. All right. Noah Davidson, this is your first time on this show.

I would remember a fucking face and body like that. You sweet little pudgy little pudding pop, look at you. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a shrunken down version of a much fatter man? You seem like a big guy. I gained a lot of weight recently, yeah.

Tell us your secret to gaining weight. I do believe this new version of Joe Rogan is going to be interested to.

Thin out a bit. I had a back injury a few years ago and I haven't been able to run since, so I just keep eating, stop running. Have you tried stem cells? I haven't been to Guatemala.

Noah, how long have you been doing stand up? This is my first time.

Let's go.

Thank you. He popped his cherry, which is fitting because he looks like he eats a sundae every day of the week. Noah, what do you do for work? I'm a door-to-door salesman. I had a fucking feeling.

You have that.

Say, what, Jesus Christ, you have that fucking cook of Mormon energy to you, Noah, let's go, yeah.

What are you selling? Door-to-door solar, residential solar? Okay, so let's say you're knocking at my door.

I answer, What do you say? Hey, what's up? how can I help you? Want some fucking solar?

You don't say that, don't try to be funny, I want to know your actual pitch. Let's try again. Noah, I know there's a lot of people around.

I know it feels like you have some control over the situation. Stick with me, stop responding. We're going to do this. I want to know exactly what you do for work.

Was that a doorbell? I just heard?

Okay, hey, what's up? I just got put in charge of the net metering program for this neighborhood. Has anybody been able to come by for you about that quite yet?

You want to fuck, dude? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot we were being serious.

No, nobody's come by for that. What's net metering? Essentially? Last week, don't know if you saw this neighborhood actually got flagged for having high.

Electricity and complained. When something like that happens, they just send a guy like me out here, talk to the families in the area, let them know what's going on. Wow, and totally creep everybody out.

So you're a complete liar for work, that's what you do. No, no, no, no, no, yeah, your area's been flagged for high electricity use, flagged by me.

Right, if this is shark tank, I'm out. We've earmarked your neighborhood to rip you motherfuckers off. Yeah, you're out here, flagging around like a real flaggett, you know what I mean?

Am I warm? What are you banging? You have a solar-powered flashlight.

That's good, he's talking dirty to it. You've been flagged, baby, I don't know if you heard some of the neighbors been complaining.

That you've been a naughty girl. Yeah, when I look at you, I feel a little too much electricity. Is it me or are sparks flying in here? Like father, like son?

Jesus.

Solar power you bitches catch up, alright, so Noah?

Well before I was fat, I was skinny and that's when I got my girlfriend. We've been together almost five years. Okay, what does she do? She's a psycho instructor.

At a cycling studio, I thought, you said, she's a psycho instructor, she probably is that as well.

She's a cycle instructor and you've never taken her class. I can see that not anymore. I used to. Yeah, don't listen to him. You look great brother. Appreciate it before and after.

You gotta get yourself a best friend like Foley and walk around. I'll take some of that Napoleon ice cream, I'll tell you that Napoleon ice cream. Why do these three look like the Red Band Evolutionary Chart?

Yeah, it is true. Oh, look at him, that's great, I love it. So Noah, what have you been doing up until this point in life?

What have you been doing for fun when you're not selling solar panels? What does a guy like Noah do to let it rip and have a good old time? What are you into? Yeah, so pastimes. I'm a rock climber, I rock climb four or five times a week.

That's the main pastime. Wow.

Like, what, what?

When's the last time you climbed a rock?

Two days ago was it a rocky road? I like that, that's good. No, no.

I live in San Antonio too, so I climb down there. Okay, when you're not climbing rocks, what else are you into?

You know, I started writing comedy like two weeks ago, honestly, it's rock climbing, writing comedy or working. How about before two weeks ago? before two weeks ago? I'm 23..

Wow, you look totally like 32. Like if this was that game on the price is right, where you have to switch the numbers, I would totally go 32, right? You gotta get away from those solar panels. Dude, are you sleeping on one of those things?

Jesus Christ, damn you got powerplane vibes.

23 years old, Do you feel 23? I have a back of an 80-year-old, so no, I can't say I do. What happened to your back? Why is your back so bad?

I had a really physical job when I was 19.

What was that? I was an order selector in a warehouse, so I would pick cases for, like, red lobster, cracker, barrel places like that. I was a food order specialist, yeah.

Red Band's heart is a rock right now.

Yes, it's just like Pornhub.

All right, Noah, Well, you're an interesting guy. Congratulations. How do you feel your first time ever doing stand-up?

What's different? What did you not expect? I had a lot more jokes planned, a lot more tags and stuff, so it went a lot slower than I, which is great. Thank you guys so much.

It really made my night. Thank you. Well, yeah, it did all right. Noah Davison Here's a little joke book.

Can you catch Noah? Boom, there you go.

All right.

Let's get another one of our great regulars up here, you know, this guy? A legend on this show, famous for his unbelievable stand-up and roasting abilities. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only David. Motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

Here we go.

Yeah.

We live in crazy times.

Women.

Women can cut off their titties and be considered brave, heroic.

But if I cut off my titties, I'm just a lazy fat fuck, you know? They're like, you can't leave the bread alone, motherfuckers.

If that's the case, why have I never nutted when I was constipated? That's all I want to know.

Why when I fart, I don't get a hard dick, I just want to know.

Them niggas ain't about to trick me into being gay, that's all I know, man.

I got an 8-year-old and a 3-year-old daughter, my 8-year-old. She's retarded as fuck, man. The other day she gonna ask me, Daddy, were you sad when you were a slave? I'm like, bitch.

I was born in 1990.

Ask your grandma, that bullshit, what the fuck is? Alright, man? Thank y'all.

I love it, that's hilarious. Thank you, fantastic. I see what's that shit called?

Yellowstone got some non-binary niggas on it now. Boy are you making fun of me already, boy? You be wearing a fucking brand of cow in his asshole and it looks like I found the cow.

Yellowstone meets fucking round Rock over here. Hey, you got a viral video on YouTube, Nigga, you stuck your thumb up a piss bull's ass and stopped him from attacking. What? for a second?

There, I felt like that was true. I'm like, Where's this video? No, if y'all see that video. This nigga is in the middle of a dog fight and he stuck his finger up this dog's ass and the dog stopped biting Nigga. I was like, That's Tony.

That's me here, boy.

Tony, y'all got so many motherfuckers on the stage, it looks like a white wu-tang concert nigga.

The fuck y'all got all these niggas on stage for bro.

I ain't never seen white people congregate like this, nigga, unless they had hoods on with a burning cross.

I guess we need a bigger stage. I said bigger, I said bigger. Jeremiah Nigga, this motherfucker look like a creation from the army.

The ultimate soldier, nigga, he can't be shot with regular bullets.

You can only kill him in his right leg nigga.

You have another version of me up here, I don't know if you know that. That's another Tony Hinton. That nigga look like a Puerto Rican. Pee-wee Herbin boy, your ass is out of here.

Your ass is out of here with that bullshit nigga, you got an oompa loompa wig on nigga. I don't like that look of this.

Turn your mic on, Nigga, turn the mic up.

We gotta keep that mic on, whatever we have to do. I would ask you to turn around and face me, but it'll take five minutes.

Oh shit, I ain't even gonna respond to Jeremiah. That's why my back to that nigga bro.

That's a good one. D Oh my god, this nigga look like a grown-up Elian Gonzalez Boy, shut your dumb ass up. When I was in that inner tube, I thought I saw an okra whale.

Stop, just stop, bro, that fucking triple booster to live in L..A. Got your ass whack as fuck, nigga. I heard David Lucas didn't talk to Michael Lehrer in the last days of his life because he never met a vegetable that he liked.

See what I'm saying, Nigga, go get another booster and try again, Nigga. They still got to wear masks in L..A, Nigga. Keep it going for bomb funches, see what I'm saying.

These l.

A niggas ain't worth the fuck though, bro.

Look at this nigga, this nigga look like a newborn albino squirrel boy.

What do you think about the new Red band over there?

This is the Red Band.

David Motherfucking Lucas out there, absolutely crushing it in a backwards pink hat, fucking new jokes every single week. Crisp delivery.

Hey man, make sure y'all check me out. I'm in Naples this week at Off the Hook and I'm at Science Political in Tampa. Fuck with you boy, yeah.

Hell yeah, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, David Lucas doing sold-out shows all around the world, killing it all right?

Back to the bucket, we go, you guys still having fun out there, huh?

K Dane Willard K. Dane Willard is next. That's an interesting name.

Three full names there.

Hell yeah, I like this crowd, you settled in, you behaving yourself very fucking good.

Are you a doctor, dentist? I'm getting closer. You sell medical supplies.

Here he is, K. Dane Willard, everybody.

I've been trying to get more into fashion. I was looking through my closet, 90 t-shirts, jeans, so I went to a goodwill. I was like, let me fix this shit up, boy.

Saw a black leather trench coat. I was like, Fuck it, I'm getting that. But then I wore it out in public and I just ended up looking like a pedophile in the matrix.

Best place to be a pedophile Kids aren't real.

You can't molest data.

That's the thing about the Matrix. No amber alerts there, and I hate amber alerts because they named them after a kid named Amber, who went missing but was then murdered. So it's not a very hopeful message to send to the parents of a missing child. It's actually just kind of mean.

If your friend told you he was going on a helicopter ride, you wouldn't be like, Oh, Kobe alert.

There you go, K. Dane Willard, everybody.

Welcome to the show. K Dane. Is this your first time on second? how did this compare to the first one?

It was a little better, I think first time was good, this was good, it was fun. Very interesting look you have.

What did I tell you you looked like last time you were on? Did I tell you that you look like you're built like a toothbrush? Jim Florentine said I look like Woody from Toy Story. If he had, what, what crippling disease did he say after that?

Then I said, I sold drugs and you said, Oh, there's a gram in my boot.

That's very good, that's funny, that's funny.

Okay, so let's talk about it. Did I mention that you look like you play the haunted organ at a Starbucks?

No, you didn't say that that's good though. K Dane What do we know about you? How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four and a half years. Rochester, New York. Wow, upstate New York. These are my senior New York correspondents here. What do we know about Rochester?

It's the hub, it's a stand-up hub, it's Hollywood, then Rochester second, then Austin third. It's a real happening town. I think you can buy a skyscraper.

It's a good deal. I have an actual thing. It is on my list of no-Gos. Upstate New York. We've been trying to get you out there too.

I know, Are you the handsomest guy in Rochester, New York? Top five? Yeah, top five.

What do you do for work? I have a gutter cleaning business. That's the most Rochester shit I've ever heard in my life. I work at a place called Vulcan Gas Company. Oh, wow.

Your life is all in the gutter.

Incredible. What do you do for fun? K-Dane Willard, I'm a skateboarder. How old are you? 30?..

Where do you see this all going?

It's a fun thing to do.

Is that how you pick up chicks?

Yeah, what's up, girl, I can kickflip. Do you have a girlfriend? No.

The kickflip line doesn't really work, does it? How about dates? I'm seeing a lady right now. Where'd you meet her at?

Oh shit, the feminist, The famous feminist, feminist Stacey has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A legendary character of the show. Clearly, nobody in the room recognizes these characters.

Nobody remembers me, and that's okay. Feminist Stacey I'm a feminist and there couldn't be less testosterone on stage right now. Could There you do look beautiful? Thank you.

What about me?

Jolina is a Latina woman that recently got out of prison. Always, she's always getting in trouble. Jolina, give us an update. How have you been?

I don't know what these feminist bitches are talking about. I like getting fucked, eh?

Jolina is a wild lady feminist. Stacey Wow, really doing good work for women up here.

Feminist Stacey, It's been a couple years since we've seen you, there's been a lot in your world going on. Biden got elected, Hello, hello.

Oh, Austin doesn't like that.

Back there, I do believe we have.

No, not anymore, I'm converted, I'm Stacey's boyfriend, I'm Trent Whoa, you're fucking feminist, Stacey.

What's that like? I'm making love consensually with her.

Amazing Jolina. What do you think about consensual sex?

Kay Dane, You're still here.

You never told me to leave.

Tell us the most interesting thing when you got off the show last time? You've had a lot of time.

It was a few months. So you probably had time to think about something that you could have talked about in the interview portion. That you didn't bring up that time. That would have been interesting. What would that thing be about you, Kay Dane Willard?

Is that really your name? Yes, that is really my name. I told you last time that I used to sell drugs and I just wanted to say now that I wait.

Why is Jolina still doing the Tony Hinchcliffe voice where at CVS?

What were you saying? This feels like the weirdest possible time to be on stage right now. yeah, and it's the weirdest possible time to be a woman right now.

Sorry Stacey, you're very attractive. Hey, watch it dude. I mean, she can make her own decisions, but....

Stacey's boyfriend really standing up for her. You were saying that, you said that you were selling drugs, and then, yeah, I know.

Last time I was on the show, I felt like that made me kind of like a bad guy or something. I think your face does that.

Or the hair? Look at that. So what are you getting at? I just don't break the law anymore, I just want everybody to know that, unless it's really necessary.

Did you get in trouble? Like, if she gets away? Oh, it looks like there's more than one pussy on stage.

That is true. Someone the other day said I look like a somehow gayer. Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, I could see that Tony Hawk's pro-bater up here, all right.

KAYDANE Willard, Congratulations. You were on the show again. You did it, buddy. You're leaving here with a gel blaster, my friend.

Hell yeah.

Brian Smith is next Brian Smith, Oh wow, is that? Oh, no.

It's just some guy running to the bathroom. How many of you signed up for tonight's show by round of applause?

Just a few people, a lot of scared souls in this room tonight.

Oh shit, Stacy, Oh my god. Oh no.

Those are the best feminist tits I've ever seen in my life.

Here's Brian Smith, everyone, make some noise for Brian, everybody.

Oh my god, thank you guys for coming out tonight. I want to do a joke for the fellas first, if that's okay.

Guys, you ever do this thing where you're laying on your back and masturbating and you blow that load right into your belly button? Just me, huh? just me. Yeah, it's gross, right? It's icky.

You got to fish it out like it's a fucking oyster.

And people tell me.

People tell me women have it bad, they don't even have to cum at all.

Thank you guys, My name is Brian Smith. Brian Smith 55 Seconds of Thunder. I love it Brian.

Thank you, welcome Brian Smith, or, as I call him, the sick Lebowski.

Okay, hello Jelena.

This week, I love it. Did you get stung by 100 bees before you got here?

Hey ladies, don't you hate it when you cum in your belly button and you have to scoop it out with your bare hands? I thought, that was great, babe, thank you. I've got someone on my side. He was talking to his girlfriend, feminist Stacey, on that one.

So, Brian, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Eight years, eight years. How long have you been driving a truck with nuclear waste inside of it?

Seven and a half years, that's incredible. How long have you been wearing a hat with a wig connected to it?

Six months. I love it, I love it. We're finding out a lot. Where have you done the eight years of stand-up comedy at?

I'm from the southeast, I'm from Tennessee.

I'm from Chattanooga, Tennessee. I've been doing comedy there. Nashville, Atlanta, Kentucky. Okay, stick with me, Brian, I love it.

And what do you do for work? I work for a cell phone company, really. What do you do? Stand at the tower and get electrocuted?

Mostly, no, I sell cell phones, you sell cell phones. Yeah, okay.

Is that hard to do? It seems like everybody has one or needs one. It's pretty easy. Dumb people like buying dumb electronics, so that's pretty fun. I do pretty well.

Awesome, it doesn't look like it.

Do you sell exclusive flip phones? What do you mean? I sell whatever they want to buy. Do you have those pin pads?

How many times did you fall asleep on a boat this week, Brian?

More than I'd like Tony, more than I'd like. Okay, I love it dude, you're red as fuck, man.

I'm getting redder by the second I can feel the heat coming off his face. You look Native American. I'm nervous as shit right now. Are you allergic to performing?

You want to borrow my Apple Watch? You can borrow my Apple Watch and see if you're having a heart attack or something. I might be, but I'm good, I'll have the heart attacks around here. I'll be stealing his material, alright?

You look like an apple that ripened in fast forward.

You were like a green apple, and now you're fucking red dude. You look like my legs. Every third week of the month. Oh shit, because women have periods, get over it.

Okay, Bryant Smith, let's talk a little bit more about you here. What are you into? What do you do? For fun? I play a lot of video games.

I play disc golf, hence the sunburn.

I like watching movies and stuff. Okay, alright, I like jerking off, whoa.

What do you jerk off to Bryant? Give us some creepy, give us a good one. I'm not going to lie, I do search Ebony on the Pornhub.

Whoa?

Oh, my goodness. And not seeing a ton of that out here, and that's part of the problem.

They were here, but when they saw you, they all said Quote Aw, hell, naw, and they all went to the restroom at the same time.

His face is redder than the state of Texas.

That is true, that is true. So Bryant, Ebony, what else?

Give us a little something special. You must have seen something crazy lately, right? So there's this band I like, called Little Big. There's a little person in the band. And I've definitely, because of her, looked at midget porn recently.

It's called little person porn. Get with the times, you bitch. Alright, Stacy, relax, really amped up over there.

BrYANT Because Rogan didn't go over as well as I planned.

Oh, we're breaking the fourth wall now. It's a women appearance. Alright, stacy, alright.

Wind it down a little bit, Stacy. It went from testosterone to estrogen real quick there. Hell yeah, Bryant Smith.

You ever gotten in trouble with the law? I have been to jail once. What was that for? What was the age of the child?

Nine, No. It was for a bad license, I got a ticket that I didn't pay, and then I had a headlight that was out, went to jail.

Spent the night in county and didn't do great. Was the ticket for circling too close to the school that you were circling at? It is tough. I do look like a child and like I touch kids, so I can't live within 500 feet of my own house. You mostly look like you touch kids.

I'd be the world's worst child, by the way.

Imagine him trying to get into a chuck e cheese. That's cool. I'm a kid, I swear to God.

Okay, Bryant Smith, what's your love life like? Not great, not great, obviously.

Last date you went on, What was that like? Last date I went on? I went to see a band with a young woman who was in her 30s, she was a midget. Honestly, I wish she was in her 30s.

Yeah, so you go to see a band, then what happens? We shook hands when we left, it wasn't great.

I think you're in there, big guy.

She got catfished by a guy that looks like he catches catfish.

Unbelievable well, Bryant, thanks for swinging by. congratulations. Eight years in the game.

You want a big joke book? There you go. Bryant Smith Everybody right that way. Bryant, Hell yeah.

All right, what are we doing here? We had Kayden Willard.

We're just going to pull it, see what happens here, make some noise for Alex Spears, everyone.

Alex Spears.

Hell yeah.

Alex Spears is on his way to this stage coming from the demented Alleyway, which is growing in fame as each week turns over here on Kill Tony.

Rumors.

Just a reminder Daddy Jeremiah Walken's new YouTube special is out. Here's Alex Spears everyone.

What's up, this is fun, man, this is nice.

I was just hanging out in an alley and I realized I needed to get new hobbies.

I'm going to be honest with you, hobbies for men suck. they're supposed to be fun, but they're all just jobs from the 1800s.

If you google hobbies for men, it's like woodworking.

Metalworking, that's a lot of working.

Brewing your own beer? It's like, all right, we have people for that. I don't know.

Luckily, I found a group of guys who like some alternative hobbies. We get together at one of their houses once a week. I know that sounds like an all-male orgy. It's not. A lot of guys play fantasy football.

We kind of do that, but we don't draft athletes per se, we draft local middle school teachers.

And then we get money for every dollar that they have to spend.

In the classroom high-scoring league, you didn't see that coming. Thanks, guys, Alex Spears.

Coming out and starting his set with how cool this is fun. Then you started the comedy and it all changed from there. It just got unfun, pretty wild. That last joke. You're just talking about how much teachers have to pay out of their own pocket for supplies and whatnot.

And betting on it, yes, you have these two twins, leaving at the same time. Two of Tuco's cousins from Breaking Bad have to go do a hit in the back of the room. Alex Spears.

Dressing suspiciously like David Lucas was tonight. This is interesting. Alex, Have you been on this show before? I have not. How long have you been on stand-up?

About seven years I started in Charlotte, and I've been here since the start of 2020 Charlotte and the start of 2020 you moved to Austin. Yes, I did.

How's it been going? Not too bad. I feel like there were five months, it was going great and then the pandemic halted things. No.

It's going well. What do you do for work? I work in tech sales. Yeah, I know. How long have you been cosplaying as Fred Durst?

Well, I do, I recognize that I look like I take adult hockey very seriously, but well, that plays. Have you ever thought about going by the stage? Name Fred Wurst.

No, this guy's making us bomb, right? This is crazy, it's contagious.

He's got no jokes, 19.

He's just spreading like wildfire right now. Alex Spears Seven years in the game. What's the most fun you've had in your entire comedy career?

I mean, this other than this, other than this, Alex. People are literally going to kill themselves if you tell them that. This is the best moment of your seven-year comedy career, other than killing myself after this.

You won't do it, Alex.

Yeah, I host a show here in Austin, and then I used to host a pretty big show back in Charlotte, that was a lot of fun. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire life? Told a joke that went well.

What was that joke? Not this one? Why don't you do that joke? I took a lot of Adderall today, which is true, because I wanted to be really focused at work and really sweaty at the same fucking time. God damn it.

Wait, that was the joke. No, that wasn't the joke. No, that was the joke. Let's try again. Alex, seven years in the game.

Do the best joke you've ever written. Seven years, Seven years doing comedy, Do your best joke. I was homeschooled growing up, which is strange, because being homeschooled, you immediately have something in common with a lot of other weird people who are also homeschooled.

Like, being homeschooled, I have something in common with 100 of civil war reenactors, and like 98 of women that wear ankle-length jean skirts. They're like, you were homeschooled, I didn't see you there, and you're like, that's not how it works.

I don't think you had mom, I had mom.

Holy shit, oh my God, oh my God. That was pretty good. I think my favorite part was how many birds there were.

Did you like the words so many?

Oh my god.

This is unbelievable.

It is absolutely incredible. Do you love doing stand-up comedy? Yeah, I like doing stand-up comedy and you do it a lot. Yeah, I do it a good bit.

How often do you do it? how many times a week do you get on stage? In the seven years that you've been doing? Stand-up? What do you think it would average out to, I mean, average out to probably four or five nights a week, but currently probably two nights a week.

ALEX SPEArS I don't know, I think this is one of those. We've never had this before, but I think we're having our first of mice and men moment. Where we might just shoot him in the back of the head, going down the back stairway, show me the bunnies, because we don't want you to have to do it.

I mean, apparently I can't, I can't do it. you're not going to do it. please don't do it right after this.

Not quite as bad as I felt listening to your minute of stand-up. No, that plays. I mean, I've already begun the mourning process. To be honest with you, Alex, give us a redeeming quality about you. What's something that will make us all like you?

This set's over, I think we should hear one more. I'm just saying, you want to hear one more, one more.

One more, this is it, pull it together, redeem yourself, let's go.

I'll give you one if you want one. Ladies and gentlemen, doing one more joke, here he is Alex Spears. This could be the moment. A lot of redemption on the line.

Do this one with confidence because you can't get worse seven years in the game. Take the mic out of the stand, put the stand over here and step up and fucking sell it, deliver it, let's go.

That's not funny, that's another no-no, you bombed on that. Deliver the joke. My therapist recently prescribed me magic mushrooms for my depression.

Yeah, which is kind of dope. I'm all for psychedelics, but it was a little hurtful because this guy essentially just heard all of my problems and was like.

We've got to go outside the realm of traditional medicine for this one. And it's also, yeah, okay, was that it? Did you like it?

No, alright, this sounds crazy. Hear me out one more. It's actually incredible.

You have no.

You have no. I would imagine it's like if a musician blocked their ears completely right and was stuck playing music with the inability to hear what they were playing.

I have no fucking idea what's funny. Alex. No, no, I don't. no, okay.

You guys think we should hear one more joke, one more, one more, seven years, seven years in the game.

Averaging out to five nights a week. Imagine if you guys did that with anything at all? Imagine being this bad at something that you've done five days a week for seven fucking years, and I know what you're thinking.

This next one's gotta be the one, and I'm with you, ladies and gentlemen. Alex Sears, thank you, thank you, everybody.

Thank you.

It's so nice, it's so nice of you to come out and see me. Yeah, I'll get a little personal with you guys. Growing up, it was kind of tough. I had really bad dyslexia growing up, which wasn't very easy for a kid like me, who was already very short and fat.

At the same time, I was essentially like a 12-year-old Danny Devito.

But I thought I'd gotten over it. Until recently, I saw a kid on the news who said Dyslexia is not my disability, it's my superpower. And to prove this, he made a mural of John Cena's face out of 747 Rubik's cubes. And I was like, Is that what I was like as a kid?

That's Asperger's, that's not dyslexia, Let's be honest, that's Asperger's. Thank you, holy shit, dude.

Oh my God, that was pretty good. Oh my God, it's unbelievable. it's truly unbelievable. it's truly unbelievable.

He didn't like it, but the crowd loved it. Is there anybody in the audience that signed up for tonight's show that has never done stand-up comedy before? You, Sir, what's your name, Jake? will you come up here and do one joke?

I wanna see, I wanna see if Jake.