#621 - DON BARRIS

That's Tony Hinchcliffe. Calm. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the Mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out My Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to Sunset Strip ATX Calm for more information.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey y'all, we're at 75 of the tickets sold for the HEB Center. NEW Year'S EVE, AUSTIN, Texas A lot of shows happening that weekend come. Visit Austin, Texas, the live music capital of the world, and the new comedy capital of the world, New Year's Eve HEB Center.

Last chance for tickets Ticketmaster Calm. Kill Merch is absolutely killing it. We have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there. I mean, it's just unbelievable. We've sold out and we are refreshing on everything.

The store is an absolute wild success, from stickers to tickers to old American pickers. Lord only knows what you will find. A kill merch, calm right now. No, no, no, no, yes, I got the shit. let me break your neck, oh.

And I got you all the checks and I said, raise your fucking hands and no disrespect. oh, and I got your all legit. Yes, I got the discotheque.

All legit, and it's a break your fucking hands in the disrespect. Oh, and I got you all the church.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you. Live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode to Kill Tony.

Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh?

How about one more time for the screwball peanut butter whiskey band? Everybody, holy shit, it's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

It's out there, my largest stand-up tour of my entire life, all the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's, Virginia, just outside of D.C. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clearwater, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at tonyhinchcliff..com. Come see the crazy Texas fucking stand-up that I've been working on. You're not gonna believe it. Let's have some fun.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, owned by Brian Redvan, is in downtown Austin, Texas. Check out the Secret Show every Thursday. All shows can be found at sunsetstripatx..com.

ZipRecruiter is ready to tackle your recruiting challenges. To reach more of the right people. ZipRecruiter posts your job to 100 plus job sites. Need to hire ASAP? ZipRecruiter's smart technology finds great matches for your job. Sooner. Want dibs on talent?

ZipRecruiter lets you invite the most qualified people to apply for your job. ZipRecruiter's pricing is straightforward, no surprises or costs. That's right, no doubt about it. Team up with a hiring partner who understands what you need.

Ziprecruiter Four out of five employers who post on Ziprecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. So just go to this exclusive web address to try Ziprecruiter for free. Ziprecruiter.com slash Kiltony again, that's Ziprecruiter.com slash k-i-l-l-t-o-n-y because Ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire. Hey everybody.

This summer, HelloFresh can help you be well and eat well with recipes like delicious balsamic rosemary chicken, which I recently enjoyed. Get 50 off, plus free shipping with code TONY50 at Hellofresh.com slash Tony50. Gentlemen. Have you ever wished that you were a little bit taller? Maybe you matched on Tinder, but her profile says must be over six foot. Maybe your date wants to wear high heels, but she can't because that'll make her taller than you.

No, well, we got the short Kings covered. With today's sponsor, Conzuri Conzuri makes shoes that will make you look up to 2.8 inches taller without anyone knowing. Look, girls get heels, makeup and pushup bras. Why can't men get a boost in confidence, too?

We're all the same height, lying down anyway, if you know what I mean. For a limited time, only our listeners can get an extra 15 off your order with the code KILTONy at Conzuri.com. The site is already 30 off, and with our code, you can get an extra 15 that's 45 off your entire order.

Support the show and check them out at Conzuri.

Com and use the code KILTOny, you know, Tony. One time I went on a date and I had no idea. Like, I'm 5'8, I'm pretty average height. I didn't know the girl was 6'5. It was so uncomfortable and embarrassing.

Damn, but luckily it didn't work out because that would never have worked out unless I had these shoes. Conzuri.com Use the code KILTONY. NoW. Did you know that there is one phase of sleep that almost everyone fails to get enough of?

And this one phase of sleep is responsible for most of your body's daily rejuvenation, repair, controlling hunger, weight loss, hormones, boosting energy, and much more. I'm talking about deep sleep. And if you don't get enough, you'll probably always struggle with cravings, slow metabolism, premature aging, or even worse conditions. Why don't most people get enough of this number one, most important phase of sleep? A big reason is magnesium deficiency, because over 80 of the population is deficient in magnesium.

Red Band, you know all about this? Yeah, because magnesium increases GABA G-A-B-A, which encourages relaxation on a cellular level, which is critical for sleep. Magnesium also plays a key role in regulating your body's stress response system. Those with magnesium deficiencies usually have higher anxiety and stress levels, which negatively impacts sleep as well. Now, before you go out and buy magnesium supplements, it's important to understand that most products out there only have one to two forms of magnesium. And the reality is, your body needs all seven forms of the essential sleep mineral.

That's why we recommend Magnesium Breakthrough. Magnesium Breakthrough contains all seven of those magnesiums. Designed to help calm your mind and body and help you fall asleep, stay asleep and wake up refreshed, the deep sleep benefits are really noticeable. Visit Magbreakthrough..com. Slash KillTonian order now.

Use the promo code TONY because there's always amazing gifts with purchase. That's why I always love shopping at Biooptimizers. Now go to Magbreakthrough.com, slash KillTonian to get your magnesium breakthrough and to find out this month's gift with purchase. Thank you you guys, ready to start tonight's episode?

Tonight's guest is most likely your favorite comedian's favorite fucking comedian. 16 years ago, when I started at the store, I hung out late night. The very first night I was ever there and watched this man perform for an hour and a half. Two hours, three hours. And then I did the same thing. The next night, the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night. For a decade and a fucking half, basically, this is the guy that actually closes every real show at the comedy store. All the other kings of late night, those are interim champions.

This is the actual guy who closed every show in the original. He's the creator of the funniest movie of all time, I Double Dog. Dare you to watch it or watch it again? Windy City heat. He's the host of the Big Three podcast Make Some Noise for Comedy Store Legend, and one of our favorite guests and favorite friends of the show.

Give him a big Austin, Texas welcome, his first time here in the fat man of the Mother's ship, the great and powerful Don Barris. Everybody, let's go.

Come on, you guys can do better than that.

Yeah.

Oh, hell yeah, thank you, one of my buddy, old pals, one of my fucking great mentors, fucking legend of the store. Can I ask a question to this audience? because when you were talking backstage, I heard you talking about how stupid this audience is?

And I think you're right, who here likes to fuck?

Yeah, thank goodness for that.

They do, they do like to fuck here, don? You've been a guest multiple times. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, we're going to watch comedians together.

Oh, d madness on a 25 second delay there. Holy shit, all right, you can't, okay.

Thank you all right. So over 200 people signed up for tonight's show. I pull a name out of here, give me that.

That's not fair. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and aggressive.

The kitty should be louder, but you know, we use a lever here that changes all the time, instead of anything of any consistent stability whatsoever. After 10 years and a month, so it's perfect. Oh yes, the louder, different cat sound that isn't the actual cat sound always gets that much of a laugh when he does it.

There you go, but that's as loud as it gets, that's as loud as that small ass kitten gets. Maybe we can make some adjustments for next week, Nope.

That's a different cat, Red Band, that's a different cat. Okay, I guess we'll just keep everything meteocre as possible.

I love it, great stuff. This is my business partner for over 10 years. Everyone ha ha ha.

The airlines are shut down. I'm stuck in New Jersey, I can't make it to the show, I'm like, What airport? Newark airport?

He's like, Yes, he's like, all flights are canceled because of weather. I go to I google flights out of Newark and click News on Google, there's no news, so then I look up flights Newark to Austin for that day.

Everything's on time, everything's running fine. So I take a screen grab of that, I send it to him. He's like, No, that's not actually how.

It is because he's that crazy or hopped up on drugs that he literally thinks that. I don't know how flights work because he's been flying for a year or two, he must be the master of how flying works. Perhaps the internet has not caught up yet to what's going on in Newark.

So I argued with him back and forth, saying, you know, if you don't make it, you're going to get challenged next week again. Because I stopped having him challenge for his regular ship position. I don't know how many of you are caught up on the storyline here, but there's a lot of shit going on to push Hans to the absolute limit. We've been having him fight for his life and have to have a better minute than somebody else.

Or the other person becomes the new regular on the show. Which means they get to do a new minute every week, which means they create their own fan base. They sell out tickets on the road, but Hans has been defending his throne.

But it turns out he indeed did not make it here tonight, so next week he will be challenging for his regular ship. And in his place, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner Young Buck from Houston, Texas. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from Enrique Chacon.

So we were hanging out with some white dudes before a party, and for fun, they decided to go feed vegan tacos to the homeless people downtown.

And in my head, I'm like, Yo, they're homeless y'all, they smoke crack dude. They don't give a fuck about being vegan. They just want to know who wants their dick sucked for $20, which I do.

I think that's a really good deal. So we were downtown feeding these homeless people these diarrhea tacos, right? And it turns out that shit is illegal, y'all.

Connor was getting rear-decked and choked, you know, knee on his fucking neck, bro. I'm backing away, the officer's approaching me y'all, I'm getting scared.

And he just goes, Hey Enrique, are you with them? are you with them? And I was like, No officer, I'm homeless.

All right, there you go, a minute 15 seconds from Enrique Chacon. We let you go there. Respect for the reigning defending gold ticket winner of Kill Tony. How you feeling, Enrique?

I feel fucking great y'all, dude. They just gave me another fucking promotion to that Bucky son. That's true, he does work at Bucky's. That's the world's greatest gas station.

Don you ever been to a Bucky's? I've never been to a Ducky's, I just remembered.

But before the show, we're up there and you're throwing shit around like crazy, making noise. Yeah, he was causing a little bit of a stir up in the green room. That is true. Enrique, tell the people what you did. I was looking at some alien shit, bro, because it looks so fucking dope, dude.

Like I said, I used to be an art teacher, bro. So I'm looking at this shit like, Damn bro, this is way better than all those fucking children pieces dude, and then I knock that shit over dog, fuck it dude.

Did he just squeeze in a bit there after his time was over? That's why I was interested, you know, because he's an art figure. I used to be an artist before comedy, you know? Fuck yeah. So Enrique, what's been going on since the last time you were on this show?

Fuck man, my chihuahua got bit by a fucking rattlesnake y'all, and we paid for that bitch bro. We paid her to stay alive, right? But then my pit bull got bit by a rattlesnake yesterday, man.

And I'm not going to lie, I was like, Man, fuck this motherfucker dog.

You know how many homeless blowjobs you could get for $1,800?

You could get your chihuahua bit by a real rattlesnake. You know what I'm saying? 90, goddamn, 3,600..

3,600.

No, it's 90..

Holy fuck dog, I think you multiplied instead of divided dog. Yeah, I'll fight anybody in here, fuck you.

I'll meet you in the back, if you're bigger than me, I'll bash a brick on your fucking head.

I love it, Enrique. What else is going on? Your love life's good. I met your lovely lady after the 10-year anniversary episode. Yeah, man, we just walked out looking like a lesbian couple together.

It is true, she's 6'2. Like I said, I'm not lying, dude, I'm into that shit. Yeah, you guys look like the number 10 when you're with each other.

It's incredible.

Cheesy, but really true. She is a line and you are a ball, just a round son of a bitch. You don't gotta be in shape to fuck Tony. You look like one of those street soccer balls that poor Mexican kids make out of tinfoil and paper.

He had to throw me under the bus, like that bitch, I'd be in the reed right there, fuck me.

My fucking chihuahua got me by a fucking rattlesnake.

Like chupacabra goldthwait over here, that's fucking....

The director from the movie Windy City.

How many of you have seen the movie Windy City Heat? By the way, I have you sons of bitches. I've done it before.

Last time it was a wild push for it, I'm gonna do it again. Every Kill Tony fan gets a homework assignment this week that is go watch Windy City heat. I feel like the best place to see it is on YouTube.

Yeah, it's on YouTube, right? Yeah, it is, and so watch it on YouTube, set it on your thing to watch after the show, perhaps.

And also take note of when it was made and the cast and the characters. Because it was so far ahead of its fucking time to think that that was one of the first ever reality slash prank anythings. Check out my Instagram, I have a lot of dick pics. Okay, yeah.

Get a lot of likes. Enrique Chacon, you got the show started today, you showed everybody how the format works. Thank you so much. It's not easy.

A new minute all the time. One of the newest residents in Austin, Texas. Okay, now, here's a little fun fact for you. You remember, I pulled a name out of the OR? I accidentally dropped a name out of the bucket earlier, and then I put it back in and I stirred the bucket around a fucking ton of times. But I looked at it before I put it back in, and the name that I pulled out is that exact name. So this person, whatever's about to happen, is supposed to be on this stage tonight.

One in 400 if there's 200.

Or maybe he would say 6,000..

Fuck you, fuck you.

Make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. We're going to meet them all together, Seabass, Mattar, everybody.

Seabass, Mattar and I pre-pulled the next name.

What up, what up, what up. My name is Seabass y'all. that's a nickname. it's not a real name. Okay, it's a philosophy.

It's an acronym, it's a way of life. Okay? Seabass is spelled c-b-a-s, and it stands for can't buy anything expensive.

Now I know who's not Latino because you guys are like, what expensive. He didn't say it right, bitch, I know.

I can't afford the vow, is what I'm trying to tell you. The last dude you want to see on Wheel of Fortune? Can I get a vow? No, okay, expensive.

Expensive it is, can't buy anything. expensive is a way of life. Okay, when I go to the movies, I'm using, you know, coupons, I'm using the fucking gift cards.

Me and my wife were going to the Dollar Tree before the movie. You know what I'm talking about? Ladies, we'd carry a little-ass clutch, stay your ass at home, we want the girls with the beach bag.

The fuck you gonna sneak in with a clutch, M&m's fuck out of here, me and my girl, we watching Despicable me. We got the wine tail, the yellow tail, the big one $12.

Drunk as fuck on a Sunday, talking about para tú watching the Minias. Am I right? All right y'all? thank y'all so much. I'm Seabass Matar.

Seabass Matar Yes, sir. thank you for saying that, right. welcome to the show. Seabass. Absolutely.

Pleasure, pleasure. is that really how your name is spelled? No, my real name is Sebastian Sebastian.

Everyone just calls me Seabass, I'm Hispanic, so Seabass, okay, you're Mexican, Cuban, Chileno, but hey, in Texas, we're all Mexican.

Wait, what was the second thing? Chileno, Chilean, Chileano Michael, what does that mean? Oh, he's from Chile.

Hey bro, get this man a map. Get this man a map. I thought it was Chilean, that's how we say it, in the greatest country on planet Earth.

Hey, hey, listen, I was born here, motherfucker. Okay, yeah, 100 citizen, yeah.

Anybody who says that I don't believe it, you know, who? I've never heard say that, a white person, a guy wearing a shirt like that.

I was born in America.

Like, not a believable thing. How long you been doing stand-up? Seabass? Please tell me? Less than two months? No, about six years. Oh fuck.

Yeah, about six years, oh man.

Oh shit, it happens, it happens. wow, incredible.

Where have you been doing this for six years, exactly? So I started off in Miami and then I've been out here for about a year and a half. Give or take. Wow, and how's it been going out here? It's going, you know?

It's going, wow, slowly but surely out here, doing it. Can't buy anything expensive.

More like.

More like can bomb all sets.

You're not that great at this. Oh yeah, absolutely okay. We working on it. What do you do for work?

I'm a server bartender in a restaurant. How old are you? 29? 29 years old? 29..

Serving and bartending. What's your living situation? I live with my wife. Oh, okay, you know.

She not my sugar mama, but she my splendor mama, you know, Okay, she keeps you warm since you're so chilly.

What does she do? She's a wedding planner and event planner. Okay, okay, Hispanics love weddings.

She's Hispanic, too. 100 cuban, 100 cuban, 100 baby. Oh shit.

Damn, she put mustard on your dick and then suck it off.

No, Cubans like Mustard, No, we don't.

There's mustard on Cuban sandwiches. No, there is, there is. Yeah, you're goddamn fucking right. there is. Not on my dick, though.

100 My wife would not put mustard on my dick. All right, all right. What is the most exciting thing she's ever done to you in the bedroom? Oh, no, I'm a gentleman.

I ain't about to say that out loud, Nah, the fuck are you talking? What show do you think you signed up for?

Okay, Gollum, Well, whose ring is that? It's all right, it's all right fucking Cubano Schmeagle over here.

I'm not talking about the ring, the ring doesn't fit, okay, and if it doesn't fit, you know.

Okay, tell us, do you have any special skills or talents?

Um.

We saw you try a new stand-up comedy. Come on, there must be something. You ever win, a competition, you ever have a news article written about you in the local newspaper.

Nah, never nothing like that. No, anything. You good at anything cooking.

I like cooking, okay, that was my first interest.

But.

Okay, you know.

Okay, cooking, cooking's fun, and you've been doing stand-up six years? yeah, going on six years.

Why do you think your minute was so ineffective tonight if you've been doing it six years? If we could look at, if we could get your report on why you think it didn't go good, I don't know, I just just....

I think I did well, I'm not gonna front like I felt like I did okay.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I crushed you. Breaking news Definitely not.

What do you think? Your best short joke is? What do you think it is? Did you do it? Was it in that minute?

No, no, it definitely was. it definitely was. I wanna know what you think. Six years in the game.

I wanna see what your best.

I'm gonna let you do one more quick joke. It's gotta be less than 20 seconds. You got one of those, right? Uh....

Let's fucking hope.

Uh.

Quick joke All right now we just gotta stay in the pocket here, um...

Why do Cubans talk so loud? Why? Because they still got salt water in their ears. Oh, oh, shit.

All right, my friend, you're leaving here with a little joke book and a gel blaster. Congratulations. Make some noise for Seabass Matar. Everybody these people trying their best.

They moved to Austin. Everybody's trying to fucking make it, everybody's trying to get a shortcut, and they're not even willing to tell us the craziest thing their wife does to them. He said. I can't do that, I'm married.

That's when you can do it, that's for life. If it was a girlfriend two weeks in, I'd say, you might be right. Maybe you shouldn't tell us, son of a bitch.

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. Anything can happen, you guys having fun, all right?

Make some noise for Chris Beasley, Everybody, here we go, Chris Beasley.

Oh, I'm happy to be here, mainly because my wife's not here.

Yeah, she's at home, where she should be, you know, not like that. I live in San Francisco, pay $40 million in rent. Someone better be home. You feel me.

Originally from Texas, went to Catholic school in Texas. Serious one. My principal was a pedophile.

I was in the office a lot.

It's okay, it's okay. He didn't touch me, he was racist, amen.

And I'm here for it, I'm here for it. Some people get uncomfortable with that joke because you realize the white kids got special treatment they did.

Taught me a valuable lesson White privilege can be tough. Some of y'all have to clench or something.

Just kidding, just kidding. Yeah, I mean, I can end it right there, that's fine. We had a good time.

That was great. Chris Beasley. Absolutely, I like your fucking style came in.

Guns, a blazing, said his wife's at home where she belongs, not afraid to make the wife at home mad. I love it, fearless.

CHRis BEasley, how long you been doing stand-up? We're at four years, four years, that's what a person at four years should fucking be like.

Abso-fucking-lutely Thank you Tony. Where at here in Austin, I started in Dallas.

Moved to San Francisco in 2020.

And then I don't count 2020 because I couldn't work, but you know, so, when, in 2020, exactly did you decide to move to, of all places, San Francisco? I have to know I landed.

You would leave Dallas, you left Dallas, I left Dallas in the year 2020, yeah.

Can I hope and pray that it's January, March 13th? Oh my God, oh my God, that's like the weekend.

The day, yes, that's like the main weekend where people are like, wait, what? we don't have to, what? tomorrow? we don't have to go to work, wait, what?

The flights were already booked. I didn't know. That is unbelievable, so let's go through it beat by beat, because this is fucking amazing, man. March 13th.

I remember it, I was like, I was the last performer at the La Jolla comedy store before the pandemic. And I think it was the 12th and the 13th, or the 13th and the 14th, and then that week just everything shut down. I remember it very clearly.

So why did you plan on moving to San Francisco? Right? That's the better question. There's no pandemic yet, there's just talk about it.

People are like, there's something coming out of China and everybody's like, No, there's not, and then cut to this, No, I wish it was. Well, I mean, it's an awesome reason.

First off, my wife's super liberal. Yeah, oh shit, it's not.

And she works for Apple and she got a promotion and we got moved to headquarters. That's why we move, yeah.

Yeah, so there you go, all of a sudden you move there and then what happens? So I quit.

I was a teacher, quit move there. I told her we shouldn't move because she's not going to make nearly as much because the taxes, she don't listen.

And we get there, we argue for about a year, because the world shut down. Can't do comedy. I have no purpose, I'm angry, depressed, yelling.

So me and my wife have been on TalkSpace for years.

Just go to TalkSpace.

Com Slash Tony.

I love it. So let's talk about more about Chris Beasley. Your set was fucking so entertaining. A rock solid four years, so how did you catch up after the year off in San Francisco?

I mean grinding, so everybody was flattened, right? So I could work with some of the comics I've been doing in 20 years and obviously other open micers. And so I just put my head down. Try not to, you know, be upset and depressed for a year, just grinded.

And I now am a host at the Improv there. I love it grinding. I work at three of the clubs, but that's the most prestigious one. Yes, sir.

Grinding.

You guys don't even know what I'm talking about, it's the clips, yes, grinding. I hate that.

I don't know enough hip hop I am, I'm a little. I might be a little more hip hop than you. You got me, yeah.

I'm sorry, Black people, if you're here.

And black people, black people, if you're here, all you Black people out there.

You know who I'm talking about? Clips grinding, right? You know, the song that I'm talking about?

Thank you, thank you brother. hell yeah, Jesus Christ. Yes, you do.

How does it go?

He doesn't know it sounds like this.

You know that song, Do you know what I'm talking? There you go, there it is. Who gives a fuck?

We're way off track here. Chris, What do you think is the most interesting thing about you? The pedophile joke's real. Oh, wow, yeah.

Oh, shit, I had two encounters, I mean, other kids did. I just was at the school, yeah.

But one of them, we actually were dating the same girl when it happened. Don you ever had any experiences with any pedophiles? I know that you. What are you getting at?

I know it's hard to be pedophiled when you're the pedophile.

Oh, Tony makes a joke. Everybody laughs. Fuck you man. I've never touched a kid in my life. You pricks. I've already got two guys I'm gonna beat the fuck out of when this show's over. So....

I love it. Well, Chris, amazing stuff. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedian?

Dating Yeah, I'm good at that, I mean, I'm married. I succeeded, I think I'm done.

Can you give us one of your tricks or tips to being a great dater? Ooh, bet, bet, bet. Okay. First off, figure out what each of you provides. So do some myers-briggs. No astrology, that shit's bullshit.

Wait, provide some.

Wait, what? What Myers-Briggs? you know what Myers-Briggs is? No.

Y'all don't know what, Myers.

No, man, you didn't even know what Clipse Grinding was. It's one of, like, the great hip-hop songs out of the early 2000s. This is dope. Okay, so year three is a bad idea. But for our anniversary, I gave my wife her Myers-Briggs score.

Don't do that, don't do that. She was upset. Yeah, this is a true story because we were struggling.

Like in relationships, year three's tough, and so we were struggling, we were getting mad at each other. I was like, Look, I think I can solve this shit, let me just look at us.

I checked Myers-Briggs, I saw exactly how we lined up differently, coaster up on it game. Seven years later, we still rock it.

I promise you ever cheated on your wife, huh? you ever cheated on your wife? Have I cheated?

No, what the fuck?

Chris Beasley, I love your style. How long you in Austin for? I'm doing all the 35 visiting families, so I'm up and down this whole week, San Antonio to Dallas, back and forth, so I'm around.

What does that make sense? You just named a freeway and then a bunch of cities. That's what I'm doing.

I can go wherever, but I'm just chilling in Dallas until Sunday so I can up and down 35.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. Up and down 35. That is indeed the freeway.

Just wondering when you're in town, Don, were you going to say something? No? You said that you were talking about the freeway, and then you found out it was the freeway.

That is true. It is a beautiful 69.8 degrees at the front of the room right now, you've got to love it. The AC is bumping.

Thank you so much Chris Beasley. Amazing set, Very fun time. Thank you so much. Here's a big joke book by the Great Bonsai.

He makes the best handmade leather goods in all of Austin. And you just got a big, awesome joke book, you know what? Let's get another bucket pull-out, while we still can make some noise for your next comedian.

We're going to meet him all together. Well, maybe we know him. Make some noise for Nick Devlin, everybody. This could be someone we've seen before, Nick Devlin, everyone.

Ah, here he is the Kill Tony debut of Nick Devlin, Everybody.

Hey, what's up guys? Just got my first haircut in Texas. I sat down in that chair and the barber was like, all right. On a scale of one to ten, how racist do you want to look? I was like, I don't know, seven.

Then I walked out, looking like this.

I was homophobic once I was held at gunpoint by a gay guy.

And that was rough. Unfortunately, when I was a child, I was part of a school shooting, I was also homeschooled.

So it's just my mom shooting my dad. Yeah, it was weird. We were relieved after I was like, Whoa?

I was.

I was pulled over recently and arrested on a technicality. the technicality was that I was drunk.

All right, I'm Nick Devlin. thank you. I appreciate it. Nick Devlin. thank you.

Okay, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. How are you my friend? I'm good Tony. How are you?

How did that?

What the fuck was that? it was a burp? whose burp was? that? was that? not yours?

Am I tripping? What? what was that noise, guys? what was that noise? what was that?

Does anybody know everybody's just goofing around? Doki, Doki? It wasn't me, bro, it's okay.

It's just a live podcast heard by millions who gives a shit about a random noise? It was not me.

Yippee.

It almost sounded like a soundboard of some kind, but nobody has one of those around here anyway. NICK DEVLIN Let's talk about it. How do you feel like that went? I felt like it was better than my last time, but not that great I feel like it was....

You've been on this show before? Yeah, I was like five or six, and it was worse than that.

Yeah, it was worse, five or six, what weeks ago? five or six weeks ago.

Yeah, yeah, my God, I do not remember you at all. How's that possible? How did we find out about you five or six weeks ago?

I had glasses, my hair was longer. Okay, I was kind of a faggot. Yeah, it was....

No, you don't just get to use that word as a safety valve when you're bombing, you don't get to do that. You have to earn faggot, you have to earn the use of a faggot by getting laughs other ways. See, I get to faggot all I want because I've already earned my trust with the audience. Because they're a bunch of faggots and I get to do that.

Thank you, thank you, d-madness. When you hear his bass solo, you know that I said, faggot three times in a row. Okay, we have to beep all these, right?

Okay, perfect, okay, thank you. Censorship on YouTube. So Nick Devlin, what did we not find out about you five or six weeks ago that you think would be interesting for us to find out on the show? Yeah, I think I have some really bad....

So I live alone with a cat and I have some really bad habits just because I live alone, like, for example, I usually pee in the sink.

Why do you do that? because it's easier? I know it's kind of shameful, but it's easier because I have two sinks that are closer to me and one toilet, which is farther from the sinks. So I usually, I'm just being honest.

I usually pee in the sink. My friends don't like it. When you say your friends, are you talking about friends that visit, like, what do you mean? You just said you live alone with your cat?

Are you calling your cat your friend? who's the friend that doesn't like it? Yeah, I don't think my cat cares, but my friends when they come over, I'm like, because usually I think it's funny. Habada, habada, habada, habada.

Okay, hold on. He asked you who the friends were? Okay, so you think it's funny, so you show them that you pee in the sink? No, no, no, no.

So how do they know that you pee in the sink? I tell them, I tell them, Okay, Jesus Christ.

What do you do for work? how do you blend in with society?

What do you do? So I work remotely for a biotech laboratory, right? Okay, great, I'm going to get laid off, though, by the way.

I'm not surprised. Yeah, are you pissing in the urine samples that you're supposed to provide? Oh, that's your laugh, I hate you.

Psycho Take a little Joke book.

Put the mic where you found it over there. will you on the X over there? there you go. What a dick man, yeah.

There he goes, everybody all right, let's have some fun, shall we? We have a new regular on this show that's on an absolute warpath.

I don't want to hype him up too much, but this might be one of the great, great stars of the future of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some goddamn noise for the Man, the myth, the one and Only Cam Patterson. Everybody here he is.

Oh, shit, the real deal.

My dick ain't that big.

That's not funny, bitch.

That's why I envy lesbians, any lesbians in here?

But I envy lesbians for real dog because they get to pick their dick and they ain't get that choice. Let me explain, like a lesbian, we have sex with her girlfriend and she go, Oh my gosh, this is so good. Go deeper.

All she got to do is detach her six, go to her arsenal real quick, put on a ten, and now she finna fuck her life up.

I'm having sex with my girlfriend and she tell me to go deeper, I'ma just call my homeboy.

Because I know Daquan Dick way bigger than mine. Y'all thank you guys so much. This has been dope.

And another unbelievable set, undoubtedly the set of the night so far. Cam Patterson with your what is this? Five, six, seventh first meet-up of the night? It's like five, I think five right now.

I love it. All of them have been absolutely amazing, incredible, that one another one.

Don, this is your first time seeing cam. If he needed a little extra, you bring your friend over. Good job. Yeah, we running trains on, but you want to come too, Don.

Hell yeah, hell yeah, I would like that.

I can tell you, I can tell you, from a lot of late nights at the store, Don Barris has a famously huge cock and balls. Everybody, why don't you show the people real quick? No, I'm not going to show, I'll describe it. I can put both hands around it and the head sticks out.

It's true what Dr. Heverich did during my circumcision has been talked about my entire life complimentually, and the reason I bring that. Dr. Heverich passed away last week.

You know, he may no longer be with us, but his artwork lives on in the head of my cock.

It is true, not a lot of people know this, but the Pringles Can was actually modeled off of Don's penis. You shut your god damn mouth, man, that's right, much like a Pringles can. I'll put a lid on it.

You know what I'm saying? All right, thank you. So Cam, what's been going on this week? Tell us more about your life.

What's happening? I mean, I know you're absolutely thriving. I put you up for your first time in this room doing standup on my show last week. I saw it, that's true.

D-Madness Who's a god damn liar who I do believe is on cocaine tonight? A lot of extra energy from D-Madness tonight, Chatty, a lot of guitar riffs back there.

I do believe D-Madness stole Hans Coke. He damn know how to shit, I love it, okay, so what's going on in life, cam?

I did the show, you had me open up, you had me go after Ron White. That was pretty dope, you know what I'm saying?

First time in the room, you had to follow Ron White, that was by design, and you did it with great ease. Everybody was watching the monitors, talking about how great you were, the story of the night, literally.

It was incredible to see, yeah, that shit was dope. I got to sit there with a lot of the young, up-and-coming comics that are doing the feature and the experienced opening acts regularly. And the look of fear that was over their face as they realized that you're coming for their jobs. I'm on the way, baby, come on.

Yeah, there is no doubt about it, he really is. For someone with only two years of experience. You have an incredible appetite for laughs per minute, which is usually something that happens to people five, ten, fifteen years in. They're like, Man, I have to edit this shit down. There's a lot of people that tell me I'm funny. I'd sign up for Kill Tony, but I'm not like a one-minute comedian.

I need more time than that and that is just the dumbest fucking thing anyone could say. You're retarded. Yeah, you have to be funny multiple times in a minute.

Even if you're doing 60 minutes, you need to make them laugh a lot, and you seem to have an incredible understanding for that. Where do you think that comes from? My pops? real funny, you know what I'm saying?

Like, my dad, funny as shit. Yeah, he's been funny my whole life, so I was just watching his big ass do funny shit. He is a big guy. I met him for the first time last night.

Yeah, yeah, we're all going to be drinking after this at Mitzi's. I'm excited to catch up with him if he's half as much fun as your uncle.

He's the greatest man in the world. They don't even know yet this shit. We're going to turn this bitch into a goddamn trap house. You know what I say? I want to do that.

You can say it, he's just a Black guy.

I love it. What else cam anything else? Before I let you go, I ate sushi for the first time and I don't like that shit.

Y'all can keep that shit to yourselves. I think that shit is just lazy cooking. You know what I'm saying? Oh, I don't want to cook this fish. You a bitch dawg.

I hate you. I've been shitting for three weeks nigga.

That shit is so upsetting, my ass. Just spit water right now, so fuck sushi, that's my take on sushi. And I can attest to the fact that you have been having stomach problems.

I was waiting, there's one main green room restroom up there and I had to pee, you didn't? I fucked it up, Dawg, I had to pee.

He did, I was fucking it up, dawg, he did. It was gang violence in there.

I saw some bloods and some drips, you know what I mean?

That was absolutely incredible.

Hey, Tony, can I ask a question? Yeah, there's a gentleman that just left and I was going to ask him, You want to play a trick on him? Okay? When he comes back in, I got you bent over and I'm fucking you hard.

It's just a little prank. It'll be fine. Yeah, we'll blur it on YouTube, it'll be great.

Yeah, this is a good idea.

I like this idea. Hell yeah, I like working with you, man.

We think the same. I love it Cam, you are an absolute fucking star. You are one of the things when it's Sunday or Monday morning and I'm thinking about this show. You're one of the things that keeps me excited and keeps me inspired. Because this is what it's all about, it's the fucking people coming up the ranks.

This is the only show ever in comedy history where you get to literally see the future like a crystal ball. And this guy's part of it. Make some noise one more time for the great Cam Patterson everybody.

Cam Patterson Everyone and I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go, we're going to meet them all together. Not easy to follow cam at all.

We've had quite a few uncles on the history of the show. This is another uncle. We're going to meet them all together, Uncle Simmy, everybody, or Uncle Simey, perhaps here we go.

Uncle.

Okay.

My name's Uncle Simmy. that's a nickname I got from my niece. actually. she couldn't really say my name. She'd say Uncle Simmy, so my name's Uncle Sam, actually.

I'm from Fort Worth, Texas. If you can't tell, it's actually a new addition. I got this cowboy hat at Bucky's of all places. I was looking for just something cool to wear for July 4th. And it just turned out that this looked a hell of a lot better than all that other bullshit.

Last week.

I don't know how much time I have. Last week, I got out of a really interesting Airbnb situation. I don't know if you know this Airbnb. They have immersive experiences.

Now I should have looked at the reviews, I had my notes, but I'll try to remember the review. The review basically was like, don't take your fucking family here, it's a sin.

Hashtag Pure evil One Star.

They diagnosed me with bipolar and we'll talk about that later. I guess, oh yes, you will be talking about it later. With your many personalities that you have, I do believe, wow.

Okay, what should I call you? You can call me Sam. Okay, Sam, so you know, you gave us a lot of information.

You're from Fort Worth, you're from Texas, you got the hat at Bucky's. I did. Then you questioned how much time you had left at that point.

I don't know where to look. 33 seconds in with no jokes done. You questioned how much time was left, and then you told us a story about an Airbnb. But turns out, you forgot your notes, which I guess had the punchlines on them. Nothing memorized whatsoever. Don Barris.

Have you ever taught math classes, math classes or myth classes? math, math. I was pretty good at math.

So no, but in high school, I did, glad I brought that up. There was a lot of answer there. Uncle Sam So okay, how bipolar do you think you are, buddy?

It's debatable. Yeah, I know it probably looks pretty bipolar right now. Yeah, pretty bipolar right now. I'm on the meds.

Excuse me for a second off the meds on the meds. Okay, here we go. This guy just came back.

He's back. You wouldn't believe what she wanted to do the minute you got up.

Luckily, Don here's a gentleman and is very, very, very polite. But she this one, you gotta keep an eye on this, you gotta put her in a yonder bag or something when you fucking okay. So Sam, you said you're on meds?

100 Okay, how long have you been on meds? At least two weeks, two weeks? Well, I technically got out of the hospital two weeks ago.

What were you in the hospital for? Let's talk about it. Sam is direct with the answers you can be. My family thought I was going to kill myself. Okay, why did your family think that you were going to kill yourself?

This is a doozy, I know it is. I'm a great interviewer and I'm trying to get to it. You don't have to say it's a doozy, just tell the fucking story.

It was a text.

Okay, ....that said, I have intentions of harming myself, okay, and I said that in a massive panic.

God. And after I got out, I realized I didn't mean to say that. I was so confused why everybody thought I was trying to kill myself, even though I didn't. What the fuck is going on here?

Okay, so you weren't trying to kill yourself? No, no, not at all. you were just kind of having, like, a little episode. Yeah, sure.

Okay, that's the theory. Okay, absolutely, I agree with the theory.

Have you ever talked to any therapists? I am with a counselor and a psychiatrist and a family counselor. Okay, you have it all right now. May I make a recommendation? If any of those people are ever unavailable, go to Talkspace..com and use the promo code.. ..

Okay, so let's talk some more, Sam, because I like you, I think you're a good guy, I think you're likable. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before the first time?

This is his first time, everybody he's out here trying out. That's one of the big parts of getting diagnosed is bipolar. First you get a psychiatrist, then a therapist, then they put you on meds, and then you get to start stand-up comedy. Everybody because of the trauma.

The exact order of events, the trauma, that's my story. It really is wild. How many people are drawn into this industry.

What are you doing? Gauging how freaked out I am? You're much calmer than most people. Oh good, that makes me feel better.

The bipolar meds are helping you out tremendously. Mood stabilizers. They're mood stabilizers. Okay, so did something set this off this bipolar thing?

Is this a newer thing? Have you always struggled with mental health issues? I've always struggled. Six months super depressed, can't get out of bed, barely making it to work, and then six months of good. And then sometimes a little. What are you doing with your money?

So this has a happy ending and then you're back down. So now there's a diagnosis, right? This is kind of a breakthrough in my life.

What are some hobbies or some exciting things that you do in life that bring you joy? I'm an audio engineer by trade. Oh, that's why I make most of my money, okay?

And I also drum as well, you drum, I also drum. How long have you been drumming for? Sorry.

How long have you been drumming for? Since I was a kid, five years old? Really? Yeah, but I'm not professional, but I played in church, so.

Oh, you played at church, I made money in church. Oh wow, okay, and look how God rewarded you with bipolar.

Incredible, whatever that is, no mercy whatsoever, this God of ours, it's coming someday.

You think you could do a drum solo, really? yeah.

And in which case, Uncle Sam would be the new Wait, Uncle Sam, Wait, Uncle Sam, or Sam or Simmy, or whichever one of you I'm talking to right now.

You're gonna want that symbol in a second, so I would put the hat anywhere else. Okay, all right, I guess that's one way to do it. Sam So, ladies and gentlemen.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, drumming for perhaps a life-changing experience, this is a solo by the one and only Uncle Sam, Everybody.

Not bad, not bad at all. I would have bet my life he couldn't have done that. That was absolutely incredible, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know if it's incredible. The bipolar bear himself, Uncle Sam.

And now Sam, stay right over here, stay Sam, stay over here, over here Sam. And now, defending his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs, this is Michael Gonzalez.

All right.

Everybody.

Nice guy over here. And then all of a sudden he waits until he has an opponent with mental illness. To fucking just do an extra 45 seconds of hitting every fucking thing on the kit.

Oh wow, no, no, don't even raise your put your hat back. By that kind of response, you would have thought it was Uncle Laser, not Uncle Sammy, my god.

Oh shit, how many of you have Michael Gonzalez?

Amazing.

Uncle Sammy, I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do. For the first time ever in this show's history. Because you are bipolar, I'm going to give you both a big joke book.

No, he was fucking god-awful man. Oh, we love all different shapes and sizes and state of minds. On this show, we get a lot of this, a lot of different characters, so let's keep it going.

You want another bucket pull, huh? Make some noise. Let's go with Nick Thomas, everybody, here we go.

Nick Thomas.

What's up everybody? how y'all doing tonight?

All right, so I learned this. The other week, I learned that the biggest consumer of BDSM sex toys in America is white people, which is a little wild to me. That means we have to role-play slavery to come.

You guys think that's cultural appropriation? What if I sing spirituals while my wife's pegging me?

It's all right, guys, don't worry, I married a Mexican, I'm one of the good ones.

I don't know if you guys know this. When you marry a Mexican, you get a stepkid.

It's funny, too. She didn't have a kid when we were dating. I don't know where this thing came from.

Got down on one knee, I was like, Baby, will you make me the happiest man in the world? This kid just materialized out of nowhere.

Fifteen years old, two jobs immediately.

Thank you, that's my time. Thank you guys. Nick Thomas A good set.

Thank you, hell yeah, thank you, thank you guys, you killed it.

I took two years off, I've been doing it a year straight since being in Austin, collectively seven years.

Don asked me to ask you why the dress? Well, fun fact it's a dress if you're wearing underwear.

Oh.

Oh my goodness.

You got nothing under there, huh? Hey, that's for me to know and for everyone in here to be uncomfortable about. Wow, show this guy Vic in the front row.

I love it, Nick. Where do you meet your Mexican wife at? In El Paso, where I'm from? We went to college together. Oh, wow.

Okay, what college is in El Paso? No good ones man. University of Texas at El Paso, okay.

What did you study there? We both did theater. Wow, Okay, so you have some acting experience? I do.

Can you give us a little bit? Can we get a little taste of some acting from you? Can you perhaps play a scene? Yes, Don Barris, famous actor. Can I pretend that I'm going into a 7-eleven and he's working behind the counter?

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, what's a dude with a dress on for you? Wearing underwear? Well, fun fact It's only a skirt if you're wearing underwear.

Can I help you? Hey, I'm out, I'm out, all right. There you go, a little acting, a little Shakespearean acting, didn't do any improv, so okay. So Nick, how many kids do you have?

I have one kid, just one, just the one. How have you been able to only maintain one kid with a Mexican wife? Birth control?

Ah, you put, she started it after the No, No, well, so it is my step-kid, she's actually my step-daughter, and after the Oh, calm down, did you hear that? Some asshole? I mean, that was incredible, I love it.

That ain't your fucking kid, dude.

Assholes I know, man, well, you said that I fuck kids, so that was kind of mean, Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, you do have a pretty fucking wild side, Don.

I mean, you remember what happened when you ran over that? I remember, yeah, you want to tell the people what happened? I'm not going to say another word.

Go back to him, No, come on. I think you should tell these people because it'll give them a better understanding of who you are. When you were driving in Michigan a few weeks ago, you remember what happened? Yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, I should say this right off the bat. This is a joke and the only reason I say this. I want people to know I've never eaten the vagina of a squirrel. Okay, do you still want me to tell this story?

Okay, I'm driving in northern Michigan, I hit something with my car now. Has anyone ever been in an accident before? Yeah.

Oh, that adrenaline goes through you, It's like crazy. When I was thinking the adrenaline was going through me, I kept thinking, What did I just fucking hit? So when the car came to a stop, I'm on the ground, I'm looking everywhere and then I feel it. It was not doing very well.

For 45 minutes, I watched this, and at the end, we lost a squirrel that evening.

All right, so crazy thoughts start going through my mind. I first think, what if this is a mummy squirrel and this mummy squirrel has all these? What do they call their children chipmunks? So there's all these chipmunks waiting for their mummy squirrel to come back? And I started getting mad at myself because I thought I just ruined a family.

Then about 40 minutes, I looked at it and it did not look good.

And so I thought, What could I do to make this squirrel's last moments on this earth beautiful? so I ate the squirrel's pussy?

Could I describe that taste with one word? yes, nutty?

Okay, go ahead, go ahead, fuck yeah. Don Barris is here, everybody. Make sure you check out the Big Three podcast on the Don Barris Podcast app. How come this chick wouldn't applaud for me?

Ah, there you go, all right. Do you have any special skills or talents? NICK THOMAS I'm also a chef. Oh, wow, boring.

Okay, all right. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do? I recently learned that your dick goes in the front hole, okay?

You know, now that I think of it, that's probably why I only have one kid. All right, all right. Nick. Well, I'm trying my best with the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now. I have some kimchi that I made myself, that I found out the other day was not even the right vegetable and I don't know what it is.

Now, man, I'm scared to open it. What should you use? I don't know, I haven't figured it out yet.

You don't know what vegetable you used? I was pretty high. Okay, get rid of this guy, he's bringing the show down.

Yeah, I agree, I agree, but you did have a good set. I'm gonna give you a big joke book there you go.

There he goes.

Nick Thomas Everybody there goes, Nick Thomas.

All right, things are moving smoothly. I pulled to get a female comedian up. We've had no ladies up tonight, so I got one. Is that okay?

Karina Reyes.

Yeah, I went on a date with a doctor thinking this will be good, but then he told me he wasn't too beat up. DSM If you don't know what that is, just ask Tony.

But just imagine choking, pain, being told what to do. It's like having immigrant parents.

Fuck yeah, I like it. Karina Reyes, You're like a nerd with balls.

You're a courageous little dork, aren't you? I like your style, Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost five years?

Five years, it seems that way. Very, very good. Where at L..A.

Okay, wow, you're a little bit edgy for someone that started in L..A. five years ago. What brings you to Austin, your show?

Perfect. How long are you in town for? I leave tomorrow? amazing and you're on a flight back to L..A.

Tomorrow, yep, 7 a.m, tomorrow, okay.

Very good. What airline are you flying? American Airlines? That's a good airline, okay?

Good job, I was expecting spirit from you. Well, I'm an engineer. Amazing. How long have you been in town?

Since last week, okay, what did you get to do in Austin? This week? I did the mothership and then I did, like, 11 shows, you did the open mic here at the Mothership.

Yes, how did that go? It went really good, but they didn't ask me back so well. It's really, I mean, yeah, you have to, really....

You have to do a few to.