#635 - DUNCAN TRUSSELL + LIL' HOBO

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Download Game Time Today last minute tickets Lowest price guaranteed. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Or what an extra spooky episode as we celebrate Halloween here in Austin, Texas? And who better to be our guest than one of my favorite comedians on planet Earth and his trusty sidekick?

I mean, these two have been cracking me up for literally 16, almost 17 years. Comedy store legend, comedy store icon and one of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. Austin's own ladies and gentlemen make some noise for the Great, the Powerful Duncan Trussell and Lil Hobo.

Come on, people, it's fucking Duncan Trussell.

Yeah, it's on, baby.

Yes, indeed.

This is a historical, historical moment in the history of this show. Duncan has been on before. Duncan, welcome back, thank you so much. Why'd you freeze up?

I've always wanted you on this show, really. Yep, oh my god, I'm fanboying out over here, this is wild y'all.

And that is exactly what we do. Wait, wait, Tony, before you start. I'm sorry. I don't mean to hog the spotlight, but I am a fan of the show and I've been working on. A Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Would you like to hear it? I would love to hear your Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Okay, here we go.

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things I've said, and I now realize words can hurt, even kill. I want to apologize to all of the people I have offended over the course of Kill Tony.

Wow, you are an amazing impressionist. Wow, great. That was spot on. It was okay, fuck you.

Really.

And if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds, you know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else. They bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them, we find out more about them, and they talk with the great Duncan Trussell and Lil Hobo.

Duncan is on tour right now. Salt Lake City November 17th, the comedy zone in Charlotte December 14th through the 17th. The comedy works in Denver January 11th.

I'm positive you can catch him and, of course, the great Lil Hobo. I won't be there, you won't be. No, actually, you know, I was kind of hoping that maybe I could become a Kill Tony regular and see what it's like to perform with an actual comedian.

Yeah, these shows are always sold out. Lil Hobo, Have you ever done a sold out show before? No, never have.

Alright, let's bring the comic out. So I have this bucket filled with names, I'm going to pre-select a name. We're going to grab that person from the bar next door and they hustle off to the backstage. Because to start tonight's show, everybody, we have one of our esteemed regulars.

You guys definitely know this guy, you guys are fans of the show, right?

Well, this guy's been kicking off every show for years now. With a brand new 60 seconds fresh off of his first week on my theater tour. Absolutely crushing in these theaters, stronger than ever. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words.

It also doubles as support for Black Lives Matter.

Horrible to hear what's happening over there in Israel, Palestinians are being murdered, they're being bombed. It's a real Holocaust over there.

A lot of Israelis were killed at a music festival, which is horrible, but why are you having a music festival right next to Gaza?

Who are these people? Like, man, the vibes next to this open-air prison are bumping, man.

Call me a pussy, but I refuse to party. A paraglide away from a bunch of hungry, thirsty Arabs.

All right, thank you Hans Tim, ladies and gentlemen. Using his Asian race to be able to offend many other races. You're very racist. Thank you Tom.

You can get away with it. You got the Jews, the Blacks and the Arabs, all in 55 seconds there. How do you feel? Hans? I feel great. I have offended some of the most dangerous people in the world.

I just have to rely on my skills from the L.A. riots that I learned. You did offend some of the most dangerous people in the world, also the Arabs and the Jews. You also offended during that 60 seconds.

I love it, Hans. What else is going on? I had an amazing time in Ohio, in Youngstown, the birthplace of Kill Tony. In some ways, absolutely.

I met your brother, he tried to put his balls in my drink. Really. Yeah, I didn't even know about this.

Yeah, it was a hilarious moment, everyone got to laugh at me. Did he pull his balls out? This was Donnie, Yeah, Donnie.

Jefferson, California. He was pretending to do it, he was pretending to do it. Yeah, I was freaking out a little bit, he didn't pull his actual balls out.

No, no, he's a gentleman he is, and you got to meet my elusive father. We went to his house and he cooked us a gigantic Italian meal.

Oh, it was so good. Anything stand out to you from that? It was like an episode of the Sopranos.

He did have books on Italian cooking and only organized crime. Those were the two things. I was surprised to see. What else? Hans Liz Splatt She's a good friend of mine.

We're up to no good, just fucking ribbing each other. She's calling me Asian, I'm calling her fad you. Liz Splatt and Cam Patterson were young rabble-rousers of the comedy scene. We had a lot of fun together.

Three sold-out theaters packed to the Gills, Cincinnati, Philadelphia and Youngstown. What stood out to you? Cincinnati was great. I took a shower in Cincinnati and my hair has never been the same since.

What happened? It is voluminous, I don't know, man, it looks great. Thank you little Hobo.

Yeah, yeah, little hobo, what did you think of Hans Set? I don't know.

I love it, Hans, not even getting Little Hobo's attention all the way, little Hobo. What are your thoughts on the Jews and the Arabs and the Blacks, on the Jews and the Arabs and the Blacks? Well, I mean, I think we're all just the same thing, essentially.

You know, I don't see color or race or religion. I just see souls. I see souls that will all be consumed by my Father Lucifer at the end of days.

Or race, or anything at all, for that matter. Hans, I love it. You're a fucking stud, you came out again.

Topical material covered it being extra racist because you can be, but you got the show started. You do it every week, it's fucking unbelievable.

Great, great, great shows on the Theater tour this week. Fucking amazing. You're so consistent if anybody hasn't before. And you see Hans Kim on the road near you, trust me, go watch him headlining.

Yes, he's a fucking rock solid comedian, thank you. I know these guys watch you do a minute every week and they've watched you do it for years and it is so hard to do that.

If anybody doesn't think it's hard, I challenge you to fucking try it once a week and run it by a friend and watch yourself bomb in front of one person. But we love you, Hans, Thank you Tony, I'm in Tacoma, Spokane.

Com everybody for tickets. That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. I pull another name out of the bucket, we get that comedian.

And the comedian that I pulled first is now behind the curtain and ready. This is our first bucket pull of the night. You guys probably know this is a little off the wall. Anything can happen. We're all going to meet them together all at one time.

Could be an insane person, could be the absolute future of comedy. I present to you ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Van Dad K Everybody, the Kill Tony debut of Van Dad K. Here he is.

Love it, giving it or receiving it. Oh, baby, this man's an honest man. What about you, sir?

You're good all the way. good. Hell yeah, brother, me too, man. That's fucking disgusting.

Love is love, but poo is poo. Okay, I tried anal once, this lady I was with really, really wanted to do it. We tried it. Don't bother.

It's a pain in the ass.

Not worth it, not worth it, not worth the stretch marks, not worth the smell. Oh God.

Tony doesn't like it, Tony doesn't like it. I'm from Canada, that liberal Cuck city.

It's basically a city, it's basically an outpost of the British Empire.

Fuck the British empire, you know what I'm saying? At least you guys did it right. You guys said, Fuck that shit, you're America.

What do we got? We say, God save the king.

Wow, Jesus Christ, fan dad, fan dad, fan dad.

Fan dad, Wow, thanks for having me. This is your first time on the show. Correct, correct.

Absolutely okay, yup. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Oh God.

Twelve years, twelve years. Are you fucking serious?

Doing one minute is hard, No, it's harder than five.

No, Hans has done it hundreds of times and he just had a much better set than you, for me, for me, for me.

For you, and I bet ten minutes is hard for you too. No, no, no.

You have ten better minutes than that. I have stories, you gotta let me cook. I can't do it like a one minute, I had to come up with a one minute joke.

It's different. I'm a storyteller. Okay, I got crazy life fucking, you know, you're doing longer than a minute answering questions that nobody asked.

Right now, prove it to me, I give that set two thumbs system of a down.

Thanks for having me. It's your first time on the show. It's just a pleasure to be here. You do you look like fat Serge Tankian?

You look like if Serge was built like a Tankian, it's their system of a down jokes that Texans don't understand. Armenia is right next door to Iran. I'm Iranian, I love it.

You're Iranian, you look like you never Iranian a day in your life.

My goodness, that was bad, I didn't realize Iranians could bomb it that hard. That is incredible, we blend in.

We blend in Lil Hobo. That was terrible, yeah.

You guys want to hear me sing a song?

Don't interrupt this with your unfunny shit. Okay, here we go, Lil Hobo with a song. It's not easy to admit it, but I'm a recovering sex addict.

I used to have a horrible porn addiction. I would do rail after rail of cocaine and jerk off until my cock was raw, and that wouldn't stop me. I'd just use antibiotic cream as lubricant.

I hurt myself today for watching you perform.

Because of what I saw, I'm going to get back into jerking off to porn. Fuck you, you're terrible. you made me relapse. fucking horrible man, wow.

That is absolutely incredible. Thank you Lil Hobo. Calling it. As he sees it, can I say one thing?

DUNCAN Yes, absolutely, man. One minute is very hard. It's scary to get up here in front of people you don't know and work on stuff. Stop with your spiritual bullshit.

It doesn't cost $500 to have a garbanzo bean in your mouth.

Not funny, it's a stock joke, it's a stupid, stock joke.

VanDad You talked about anal for about 45 seconds, which makes sense because your set was as shitty as it could possibly be. And then Canada, What part of Canada do you live in? I'm from Toronto, Toronto.

And there's a lot of comedians in Toronto, you do good there. Yeah, I put on shows mostly, and I host, right. that's how you get booked by doing your own shows.

No, I got such a talent pool better than me. I'm not pretentious like that. I try to give the audience the best show possible. What do you do for an actual living comedy?

How do you make your money? Because they have universal basic income in Canada.

I wish we should horrible.

You don't make money any other way other than comedy. I'm also in the reserves, the Iranian reserves.

That's not hack. No Canadian. Yeah, the Canadian Reserves isn't every military of Canada in the reserves. What do you guys ever fucking do?

Because there are a bunch of fucking pussies up there. Jesus, you guys don't fight for anything.

Yeah, I'm actually military intelligence, which is weird, but yeah, I don't see the much military in Canada or much intelligence up there. How many times did they make you get vaccinated military and Canadian? This is going to be crazy right now, right?

Two doses and a booster. Hell yeah, holy shit. By the way, that gives me a chance to talk about my sponsor if you don't mind, Tony.

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And you're going to have to live with that forever.

Right back where you came from.

Right back to obscurity, he goes the sweet land of obscurity. Got another bucket pool here, as you can see, anything can happen with these bucket pools.

Make some noise for your next comedian, the kill tony debut of Cameron Illig Everybody, or Illig, perhaps I-l-l-i-g.

Oh, we know Cameron, here he is.

How's it going?

Thinking a lot about dirty talk. You guys do that in bed. I'm very awkward in bed, I can't do it.

I think it's easier for girls, I think girls have certain things, they can say, get any guy going and I fold every single time.

Yeah, I think so, right right back at you, give me like, a ever call you daddy girl.

Ever call you daddy? Girl? called me daddy. I said, Yeah, I'm your dad.

I'm so proud of you.

This girl recently said, I want you to come inside me and it was like, I did two minutes ago. I fucking. This is all willpower, baby, you know?

I'm trying to get better. I watch that show, love on the spectrum, you guys watch that, never mind.

Cameron Illey.

I moved out here before. And then he came and you brought him out and you helped him get a job and you kind of put him up a little bit, right? He worked at the golf course for like, two months. They said no, and then he blew up, and that's amazing.

Way, way, way on the fast track. How does it feel? First of all, great set. That was amazing, very good stuff.

I love it.

One note A good note that I have for you, that we've covered on the show a thousand times. But I'll give it to you again anyway, because it's such a good one is you don't have to ask them those questions, those are holding you up.

You're already connected, you already have momentum, you can just go on with your stuff. But other than that, fucking fantastic. So what's it like having Cam come out here and watching him blow up like that?

I mean, he truly is absolutely ridiculously successful and famous. Just after a few months, yeah. His sound clip of the Rocks thing has hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of views on both TikTok and Instagram. We visited my high school for the first time in 20 years.

This past weekend in Youngstown. Because I wanted to say hi to the principal. And as we were leaving, that I knew from forever ago. I don't know why you guys are laughing at that, that's weird, there's nothing weird about that, what?

Shut the fuck up, sir, don't talk for the rest of the show.

Anyway, the bell rang as we were leaving, and these two 14-year-olds ran up to Cam and they're like, Hey, you have any rocks? and they ran away.

I'm from Youngstown and this fucking kid, like, he's absolutely famous, mind you, this is the same kid. That had an 80-year-old, apparently homeless, man, come up to him on the streets of Chicago, like, Hey, you got any rocks on you man like that? So his range is incredible. Anyway, you started it.

How does it feel? It's pretty wild, I mean, when he came out here first.

I mean, my mom was pretty upset about it. No, but it's fine.

I still drive around in my Toyota Camry, so if I can.

Hell yeah, absolutely. And you're still working at the golf course? No, not anymore.

What are you doing now? Now? I work at a gym, you work at a gym. Oh boy, what?

The Eternal Spotter. What are you doing at the gym exactly? I say, Hey, scan your thing, and then they go inside. Wow.

Wow, that is incredible. Duncan little Hobo, what did you think about Cameron's set? Well, I just love incest, anything, and so that joke really cracked me up. I just love that idea of a daddy banging down his little girl.

And.

Tony's right.

Don't listen to him, I liked your jokes, thank you. You know the whole incest, he's just like....

Creepy guy, He's going through a lot right now. Oh yeah, I'm creepy, huh? No, sorry.

Well, you're the fucking puppet, man, you're the fucking puppet. Look at you up here, dancing around, dancing around a little marionette.

Looks like you fly some of the Starship.

I'm so sorry, please don't. I don't know what that means, actually. What the fuck are you talking about? Like a gay captain, Kirk or something?

Goddamn, Lil Hobo is wild. I love it. Thanks Tony. Just let me know when I'm a regular.

Shit.

Cameron A very, very fun set. You already have a big joke book, right? I do yes, you've done it, you have a gel blaster.

I have many gel blasters. yes, you have fun with your gel blasters, don't you? We have a lot of fun with the gel blasters. They work at nighttime, too, if you use the new glow in the dark pellets, I've been shot with the glow in the dark pellets at nighttime.

Absolutely, Cam Patterson doing drive-bys. I love it. You can hold the gun sideways and it still fires, all right, Cameron.

Very fun stuff, congratulations, great job. Follow him on social media. Understore Cameron Illig.

I-l-l-i-g. Now I'm warning you guys that are all about bucket pulls. This is an obnoxiously action-packed episode. A lot of special treats are coming, A lot of special treats are in town tonight.

This first.

Well, I'm going to pre-pull a bucket pull here. But this first special treat that you guys are in for won a golden ticket way back in Los Angeles. Has not been on this show in years. In fact, moved back to his homeland during the pandemic to be with his family.

And we have not seen him since. An absolute favorite of Red Band and I's. This is the return of Golden Ticket winner, first time in Austin. Make it loud for the great Steve Lee, everybody.

The return of Steve Lee Kill Tony Legend?

Give me ten more minutes.

One more time for Steve, everybody, come on, make some noise for Steve.

All right, good night. That's my act. thank you very much.

Some of you are like, Who the fuck is this guy, right? I'm Hans Kim, dressed in a different costume.

I was an exchange student in Kansas many years ago, and my host father introduced me to the concept of Halloween. He was like, Hey, Steve, we gotta go to the store and buy costumes that represent our own culture, so we went to the store.

My host father, from Kansas, bought a Godzilla costume.

And I look around the store, I'm Chinese, so I look around, there's nothing Chinese. I mean, technically, I could wear anything because everything is made in China.

And then my host father was like, Hey Steve, I found something for you, a Ninja costume, so my first Halloween party, I show up as a goddamn disabled Ninja.

SteVe Lee The return of Steve Lee with a fucking fantastic minute. I miss the show. man. we miss you Steve. It's been a long fucking time.

Legend of the game back when we were in Los Angeles and you moved back to China during the pandemic, correct? Yeah? And what happened was like, you know, the whole L.A. shut down and I was kind of broke, so I went back home. My dad passed away a year before.

So I went home, take care of the tomb, and I was like, Oh, I'm going to take a break. A few months break and a few months turned into three years. And what happened was during the time I find out my mom has dementia, and you know how I found out?

She called me up, she asked me like, Hey, Steve, did you steal my money? and she asked me every day, Ah, your mom's Jewish?

Hey, Chinese and Jewish, you know, we're pretty, pretty similar. I could see that, I could see how you could be. You do look like if somebody put Woody Allen in a microwave.

That is fucked up. thank you sir. Indeed, that's what I do. fucked up jokes.

I wrote that down When you were performing, I looked at you and I'm like, he reminds me of something. What is it exactly? Oh, Woody Allen in a microwave.

And what was the turning point? Was? I woke up and my mom was talking for like two hours. I was like, it's not her friends. You wrote down like three pages of notes about like, vaccine and things like that. I'm like, Mom, who are you talking to? give me the phone?

And I answer, and I was like, Who is this? And it's like, you know, is he speaking Mandarin, but Hong Kong? we speak Cantonese? And she said, Oh, we're calling from the government.

You speak Mandarin, it's like if an American government agent call you, and then they say, Oh, I only speak Spanish, right?

And then, and then two days later, I told her, Oh, no, my mom told me. Yo Steve. You know, like a lot of people get scammed by calls, you know, like, be careful, red band.

Jesus fucking Christ, stupid hot dog, son of a bitch.

No, I was I was going to get into like, my so so we like clearly. And I told my mom, Hey, my mom, you almost got scammed two days ago and she completely forgot about that thing, right? So I realized Alzheimer's.

So my mom has Alzheimer's, and it was like.

What the fuck?

What?

Can I do another impression? Yeah, an impression of me? Yeah, OK.

OK, here we go. I will never be as funny as Red Band, and that's just the obvious truth.

By the way, I have feminine hands, so my jerking off is really good. You know what I mean? Oh, and that's why I don't need a girlfriend. Hell yeah.

OK, So what was it like being in China during the pandemic? A lot of lockdown I was, I almost went crazy.

And no, actually. I bought a VR and he has, like, a VR show. Yeah, I was trying to go, you know, talk to him on VR and on the way, I got dizzy.

So so I was like, Fuck this right? Yeah, that happens.

So let me ask you this. You were in China when the famous incident happened with me, and, if I remember correctly, when you know, hundreds of thousands of Chinese. Oh, is that when you call me fat? Wait, what?

Never mind.

What, what do you mean? go ahead, OK, weird?

You call a Chinese guy fat or something, what, what? No, never mind, you don't remember what happened with me.

Cancellation. Oh yeah, oh, that one. OK, the fuck are you talking about?

You called him fat. Hundreds of thousands of people were tweeting at me because I called you fat.

Anyway, I remember you messaging me correct, and you said what I did was nothing bad, something like that. Because if you see the whole thing, you're like roasting the guy.

Right, maybe like the word you were using was a little, you know, you don't like that word, edgy, right?

Sure, I agree that it was edgy, but if you watch the whole thing, you're like just roasting people. Exactly now. I noticed that you messaged me that, but you didn't publicly post anything like that at all.

And you, I've helped you many, many times. I've given you a giant spotlight where millions of people see you, do what you love to do. But you were in China at the time. Yeah, I left the game. I'm like, Oh, you guys, go fuck that shit.

Yeah, I don't know, I don't care. You left the game. Yeah, doesn't appear as though you've left the game at all. Steve Lee.

But is there a reason why you didn't post anything publicly while you were in China to defend me? Who's helped you? I guess I'll be arrested by the Communist Party or something. That is exactly the answer I was looking for, just so that you understand how lucky we are to be Americans. Can I just say something real quick?

Yes, real quick, by the way. I love China, me, too. I need to go home.

So I just want to put this on the record, put that on the record.

You son of a bitch, that's right, Texas Pride.

That's right, no way that's made in China, unless, well, yeah, what, well, I was going to say.

It especially couldn't be made by anybody with hands like Steve Lee. Jesus Christ.

Get off our fucking hands, look what I'm working with over here. Oh my God, you have the exact same hands. Oh God, there's not even anything there that is frightening.

There's like, hay or something in there. Hang easy.

Did you see that?

We got you in, so tell us what's going on. So since my mom's still in stage one, so I'm like, I got someone to take care of her for a month. So I'm like, Yeah, let's go party.

Hell yeah, did you really get someone? or did you just leave a mannequin there and tell her that? I mean, his brother? Maybe, yeah.

Oh, little Hobo. Red Band perceives that as a sexual advance. I have nothing to do with this fucking puppet, just so you guys know, that did not come from me.

He's wild, I love it. So Steve Lee, what else is going on over in China? Oh, I was, or whatever you want.

Talk about anything. I bought some bitcoin, you bought bitcoin, god damn, right. When everything else is hitting the. I was telling you I don't have money for the show like two weeks ago.

And as my bitcoin went up a little bit, I was like, Hey, I can afford this trip. Hell yeah, did your bitcoin really go up? Or did the person that your mom was talking to on the phone just tell you that?

I love it. Steve Lee, what's your love life like? Zero zero.

Really, I told you my hands, really.

So what's the last thing that you had happen? Anything, you get, any Chinese hookers out there or anything? Oh yeah, dad, of course.

I love it.

I love it absolutely now. Have you ever? have you ever kissed an American girl? Yeah.

Oh, OK, well, in that case, you just fucked that up really, really. I mean, Geez, Steve Lee, really.

I haven't, I've never kissed a girl.

It's so sad.

Is there a girl out there in the audience? You know, we have a really great fan base here. And is there a female out there that would be willing to come up here real quick and give little Hobo a big kiss on the lips? Anybody, come on up.

Oh, look at this, we got one. You can just come this way. If you want, you can make it. This is amazing.

Thank you so much Tony. Wow, the American Dream little hobo.

That's incredible, amazing, that's incredible.

Little Hobo Instant legend here in the Kill Tony universe. Steve Lee, So you flew all the way from China for this. How much longer are you in town for? I'm leaving tomorrow because I have a gig on Thursday at the Comedy Store.

In China, in L.A.

And then two more gigs in the Bay Area. Okay, that's fucking awesome, so you're in the Bay Area this weekend, next weekend, No, this Friday.

I'm flying back to San Francisco, San Francisco this Friday. Yoni, aren't we in San Francisco this Friday? We are right. You want to do a five minute guest spot at a theater?

I would love to, of course.

It's great seeing you, man. I think it's so wonderful that you're taking care of your mom and you're making time for your art. You're a badass.

100 out here, hustling, pandering. Anything you want to plug Steve Lee, just follow my IG Steve Lee comedy.

Steve Lee Comedy Follow Steve Lee Kill Tony Legend, Watch his past appearances. Always funny. He came all the way from China for this. How about one more time for Steve Lee, everybody?

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, there he goes. Steve Lee, we'll just have the next person grab it. Okay, yeah, all right, your next bucket full. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tim Warner, everybody.

We've seen him before. This is the return of Tim Warner.

Thank you, all right. I've been working on being a better person and I realize there's a thin line between optimism and delusional. You know, like every time a relationship ends, people usually say, Oh, I'm going through a breakup. Well, that's bullshit, because the breakup already happened.

What they're going through is a competition to see who's going to fuck somebody first.

And the women always win.

It's kind of fucked up, you know what I mean? They're just slow.

You know, if they do it two times in a row, they call them retardy. That's just nuts.

It's nuts. Where are you now? Cancel culture, you know what I mean? Everyone worried about the pot calling the kettle black. Well, that's nothing compared to what the pot says when the kettle leaves the room.

You know what I mean, that's really when the bad shit comes out.

Make some noise for Tim Warner, everybody before the bear comes out.

Tim Another perfect example of what I love about this show. You know, your first few times on this show, I remember you were all like you were in a dark, dark place in your life. And your last couple times on this show. You seem to be getting progressively better, you're sober now and stuff we've talked about this before.

Believe it or not, I know he's dressed like a big hobo right now. Someone said, I look like Joe Pesci from home alone. Yeah, it is true. That really hurt my feelings. He's like, Dude, you planned this?

I was like, No, this is how I dress.

Very good writing his jokes under the light of a barrel fire, obviously.

Tim, That was a fantastic fucking set all the way through. Tell us what else we need to know about your life since the last time we caught up with you? I just last Tuesday, I celebrated a year clean.

Yeah, what a miracle it really is. If you guys don't believe me, go back watch his old appearances on this show. I mean, it is crazy. You are like a totally different person with a totally different sense of humor.

Real jokes, fucking totally present on stage. You were kind of like a negative Nancy. You had like toxins flowing through your brain and body. Before that, you know, you were like a how would you describe it, the old you?

A mess. Yeah, it was a fucking disaster, but you were having fun.

Cheers to that, not fun. Oh God, little Hobo, I love you so much Max. I love you so much Tony.

I'm really not, but everybody wants me to be.

But I must say that Wiener looks amazing on you, reg.

You've been rubbing my leg the whole time, that's right. Put a little mayo on that dog, you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to relish the opportunity. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to fucking come first, You're going to have to catch up to me. You know what I'm saying? I want to stick it between your bones, you know what I mean, I want to kill that boss.

Costo I'm going to fucking, Can I do a joke? Yes, little hobo.

Hot dog a stick? I sure wish I'd worn a condiment because now I'm on prep.

It's not fucking funny, you assholes.

It's a serious, fucking disease. Jesus fucking Christ, you know what I mean? You just want to have some fun, go down to the glory hole, just get your dick sucked and suck dick, bang down some sweet ass.

It's not fucking funny.

Wear a condom y'all, seriously.

I love the city, it's been great to me and I hope I can give something of value back. More than anything, it's a fantastic city. As corny as it sounds, I really think you are.

Austin is a fucked up.

Y'all drive like maniacs, though. Yeah, they do. There's a little thing on the steering wheel, I don't know if you know, there's a little rod.

You hit it up, it turns on the right blinker, you hit it down, it turns on the left blinker. You dumb fucks, especially that right blinker. You sit around, you do 90 to go to Bastrop. what the fuck's going on at Bastrop?

Nothing you don't need to do. 90. Well, No, no, that's me and I'm going golfing.

It's not the people going fast, that's the problem, it's the people going slow, that's the problem in the left lane.

Yeah, even, you know, even, you know, Lil Hobo, I get road rage. It's insane, completely fucking insane.

Other than that, I'm shocked that you have a car, by the way. TIM WARNER It's absolutely incredible. Well, you just wrecked your car. The drivers out here suck, let me tell you, because I'm a pedestrian.

No, actually, I have a car Dominium now, which is nice. Yeah, you live in your car. what kind of car is it?

I don't even know if I can say it right. It's a Volkswagen Tijan, ooh, a Tijan. So it's like, yeah, it's like I went from a house car to a car. Dominium. It's really nice.

Tijan, is that how you say it? Come on, Tony, It's like a Tijan joke. I did a Tijan, Tijan joke.

Okey, dokey. Not all of them are hits. People. That means a lot. Coming from you. It was great, man, you are so unique.

I didn't know what to expect. You've got this really unique voice, unique look. I thought you were really, really funny. I can't wait to see you do more stand up.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you can, and you already have a big joke book.

Highly recommend you order some airplanes. Really, everything they're good for, they are amazing.

And if you decide to un-sober up, Bubba?

There he goes.

Another very fun performance by Tim Warner.

Now let's do this inside one that I pulled, I pulled someone from the inside, everybody. If there's an I and a circle next to their name, that means that they are inside the room. Clap your hands if you signed up tonight, okay, so there's quite a few.

Spread around, make some noise for the inside zone. This is one of your own, usually a first-timer or somebody that traveled from a faraway land to be here. Make some noise for Sam Armfield, everybody.

Sam Armfield Here he comes, you're going that way.

The references that these guys are able to pick up on very quickly. I love the Home Alone soundtrack, it's a very good one. Highly recommend listening to it this holiday season. Use the promo code KILLToNy.

Get 10 off the Home Alone soundtrack. Here. He is the inside zone. Sam Armfield Everybody, all right. How's it going?

So we all feel down sometimes, sometimes I feel down, but I feel unaccomplished in my life. And then I just remember that I could destroy Michael Jordan in a swim race. I mean, I don't know if you guys know this, but he can't swim.

And I think, you know, if I was president, first thing I would do is end this mess in the Middle East and Ukraine. And then the second thing I would do is start a program to teach Black people to swim. Because Jesus Christ, man, we've got to figure this out. I mean, we can do it. We could combine it into a bill with climate change, you know, I think, because the sea's rising, you know?

Holy shit.

I have a theory, actually. I think pools of water maybe are causing retardation because you don't see many Black people that are retarded anymore. Like, you know, I feel like it's all white people, I don't know. It's either the water or the watermelon.

I'm not sure.

Whew, thank you, thank you. Whoa, All right, Sam Armfield, Whoa. A lot of Black people cannot swim material there.

That is incredible, you started with it, you ended with it, keeping it consistent. Where are you from, Sam?

I am from Maine, Maine, that makes sense. Checks out where there are no black people, correct? That's exciting stuff there because you're like, Hey, look at them on the TV.

Those Black people always on my commercials and whatnot. Well, plot twist. I'm actually 30 black. No, you're not. I know, I know that's an insane thing to say.

Yeah.

If you were 30 Black, I would hope that the 30 would be your arms so that you would drown.

Because they can't swim. I started swimming since I was three, by the way, you started swimming when you were three, oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness, well, Michael Jordan can't swim, though. I mean, that was the whole premise of the joke.

Have you heard about this? You guys hear about this? Michael Jordan can't swim. You didn't hear about that? No, I did.

This is literal bull's shit that I'm calling right now. Extra smart. Michael Jordan joke He was a Chicago bull. That's bull's shit. You have to rewind it.

Listen to the joke again, I promise it's funny anyway. You did not read that anywhere I did. I heard he saw his friend die drowning when he was younger and he doesn't swim.

No, that was Eric Clapton, you got Michael Jordan and Eric Clapton. Confused, his son fell out of a window. I believe. Oh, Phil Collins, thank you sir.

Eric Clapton's kid couldn't swim.

We're seeing it live, no doubt about it. Lil Hobo, you are un-fucking-believable. I love you so much. I love you so much.

I do I love you. Oh my God, if you didn't have HIV, I'd fuck the shit out of you.

Viral, low, negative.

The Goat of the first Time. I listen to the show every day on my way to work and I'm a big fan.

What do you do for work swim coach?

I audit air systems, HVAC systems, my company has a contract with Costco, I manage the Northeast.

Now I work and I know my check is mine, okay.

What do you do for fun out there in Maine? I like picking mushrooms, edible mushrooms, sauteing them, I walk my border collie, I like listening to music and eating LSD.

I obviously probably should have practiced a little bit first, but I just went for it. I planned this trip, how long ago did you plan the trip? in June, in June?

So June, you planned the trip and you bought a ticket for the show in June.

Yeah, I bought a ticket promo code. these aren't full price tickets. no, it was promo code to get them when they were pre-released and everything.

Did we do that? Okay, thank you. I wrote a set. I was going to do the set before I took my flight, I just wrote a completely new set.

That's a smart move. A lot of people fucking stick with that old set. I can't imagine how bad the old set was. I think I had some pangers in it.

I love this one. You want to talk shit, you left some hangers in there, huh? Bangers, Oh bangers.

That's what the kids are saying. Since I'm getting older, I've been revisiting some old movies that I used to love. I was watching Scarface the other day and it wasn't the same anymore, it didn't hit the same. Since I've traveled a bit and I've met some Cubans, and Tony Montana didn't really sound Cuban to me.

He sounded authentic. I thought, maybe that's why he couldn't hear the DeA coming up his marble staircases. What the fuck? Yeah, that's a good cut, you made a good cut there, believe it or not.

I would replace that with a third. Black people can't swim, joke in a heartbeat, Oh.

My goodness well, Sam, congratulations. Anything else we should know about you? Any fun facts about you?

You're in it right now, the show that you supposedly listen to every day. You probably listen to those interviews and you go, I could do better than that. Here you are, you're in it right now.

Look at the lights, look at that sold out crowd, those balconies are filled up there. You're in it right now.

Tell us what is interesting about you.

If I can do the worm and I play a little guitar.

If they don't sing well, you're like, Ah, I think I might have the chops, you really think, so, maybe, maybe.

Guitar player Would you be willing to let this guy borrow your guitar? He doesn't trust him. Carter Arrington is vetoing your shot, your trip all the way from Maine. Michael Gonzalez nodding in agreeance, The nicest guy on the crew.

You're probably going to die alone in Maine, with your border collie whining and whimpering next to you. I'll still be listening, it's all good. How about we do this? Since Carter is not going to play guitar? How about you tell him what you would have played and you sing? And I'll tell you whether or not I would have liked it or not.

What do you want to do? Nobody knows you when you're down and out, how does it go?

Can you hum it a little bit? They'll play. These are professional musicians. Once upon a time, I was a millionaire.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't have liked it, but I'll tell you what, you came a long way. And anybody who listens to the show every day, I automatically kind of like them. So even though it was your first time, I'm going to give you a big joke book my friend. Alright, congratulations.

Yeah, weird.

Very good. I was also going to give him a check for a million dollars, but he's gone.

Alright, there you go, that's how it happens. I pull a name out of a bucket, anything can happen, and, as you know.

I'm one of several of the historical figures of the show, including your next comedian. This regular came on the scene in June of this year, and when he did on his first scheduled appearance, his second appearance ever on the show blew up. And he has been doing this theater tour with me and he brings me on stage. And I ride. A wave of momentum that I cannot even begin to explain how odd it is for somebody that's only been doing it two years. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you regular and great fucking comedian, the one and only Cam Patterson everybody.

I had broke up with my girlfriend before I moved out here and not because of her, it was because of her family. Her family was terrifying when I met her brother. He had just got out of prison, so he wasn't even a human being yet, right? And he was in that bitch for like, 20 years. And when I met him, he was like, What's up, nigga?