#645- LOUIS KATZ

Back on my standup tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour. Before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle, you're next January 25th, 26th and 27th, and then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates.

Really excited for you to see it taken. Some of my favorite openers with me, you may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at tony hinchcliffe..com. This is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024..

It's all just performing in Austin and kill Tony from there, so hope to see you soon.

Hey, this is Greg from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it Up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Fuck yeah, thanks so much for Red Band. Everybody live in the flesh, the real deal.

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And indeed, the backbone d madness on the bass guitar, everybody.

Very exciting stuff ahead before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to Sunset Strip ATX dot com for tickets.

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

We're going to have a lot of fun, you know, we've had a lot of. We have debuted a lot of guests on this show. I remember when it was Shane Gillis's first time, I remember Tim Dillon's first time.

I remember Adam Ray's first time, a lot of the greatest guests in our history. It all starts with one appearance. This is this guy's first time on as a guest. One of the top young rising comedians out of New York has a brand new special out on YouTube.

Make some noise for the great Louis Katz, everybody.

It's Louis everyone, not that Louis. it's another Louis. it's Louis Katz. sit here, Louis.

Slide on down.

Really, yeah, a long, long time ago. Yeah, shit, I had no idea about that, sorry.

We're going to, let's take it from the top. No, I'm kidding.

Wow, that's amazing. Who else was on that episode? It was me and Fulcheron, OK?

Yeah, wow, all right. OK, well, here we are now.

Now this is big. This is a whole nother. There was no, this is a whole nother thing, it's a whole nother fucking thing altogether.

It turns out this is the number one live podcast in the world. But, Louis, you might remember how it works. An absolute buttload. We did the measurements, it was a buttload of comedians. Signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about them, and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight, huh? So I go into the bucket and I pre-pull a name and they go get them from next door.

And we're going to start the show. believe it or not, this might blow your fucking mind. We're going to start the show with one of our regulars, everybody. This guy blatantly lived in a van and barely had any money. He never hooked up with girls when we first met him.

Two and a half years later, he's an international superstar, wears a Rolex, drives fast cars, has a hot white girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know the words, Sing it Hans Kim, everybody.

This is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim, this is Hans Kim.

What's up?

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but the space between my eyebrows and my eyes is very large, you know, right here, and my eyes start right there. I'm one of the few people that can express anger and surprise with Aviator sunglasses on.

It almost got me a role on Top Gun, too. No goose.

Damn Russians.

Thank you.

I think that the penis is the superior peeing mechanism. the only side effects are rape and murder, but other than that, the penis is superior.

I do not give a fuck about polar bears. Sorry, polar bears. I don't give a fuck about you. Sorry, you evolved the camouflage against something that melts.

Try the sky or water next time. Some helpful tips for the polar bears. All right, thank you, oh Jesus Christ.

You have a lot of polar bears in your fan base, Hans, A lot of white gay men. So okay, so let's go back to this peeing mechanism, penis peeing mechanism thing, because that's where I got confused. I don't know about anybody else. Let's go back.

What are you saying? Penis is a perfect mechanism for peeing. Yes, and but it's bad for rape and for murder. It's bad because the side effects include rape and murder.

Getting raped and being murdered, No, it causes rape and murder, but why would a penis cause murder? Because it has testosterone and evil juices, you think that's where the testosterone goes.

You think it goes to your penis from your brain and puts off chemicals in your penis. I'm sure it couldn't help. I mean, if you have murderous thoughts, try chopping your dick off. I think it's actually, I think chopping your dick off might cause more murderous thoughts.

I think it's the balls, the testicles which would hold the which would be the main.

I think cutting off your penis would force you to not be able to cum, so then your balls would have even more. Does this make sense at all? Is there a trans person here who could help with this? I don't....

I believe Hans thinks cum comes from your penis. Everybody. This is what we're finding out right now. Well, the penis causes murder. You know, like lots of men, you know, get rageful because they have a penis and they want to stick it in things.

So if you don't have a penis, then you don't want to murder as much. How many murders have you done? Seventeen, wow, all on stage.

Hell yeah, just not in front of this audience. Interesting Has your penis ever led you to want to actually kill somebody?

It has, yeah, I, I don't know how much I should reveal, but yes, I have had murderous thoughts, you know, haven't we all?

Wow, I don't know how much I should reveal is one of the scariest things I've ever heard. You say. Every week. For two and a half years, we've been doing this and that's pretty frightening. What?...?

What can you?

Why don't we just reveal everything and then we'll edit out if you've actually murdered somebody? Hans is extremely honest. For those of you that don't follow the show closely, he cannot lie, he's like a George...

Who was it that didn't lie? George Washington, Johnny Appleseed? Oh, the stripper thinks it was Abe Lincoln.

Tip of the bucket hat to us, absolutely.

Hell yeah, you want to know us? Go with the boa, you know what I'm saying, okay?

So when I was in high school, my dad wouldn't let me watch TV on the weekdays. And I punched a hole in the wall and I burned up a bunch of papers in the toilet, in the bathroom, in the sink. So that was my. And then I cut my hand, also, I cut little cuts in my hand, you were a little cutter.

Yeah, I was just trying it out. Did you end up getting attention from your parents from the cutting? Yeah, it was just. They were kind of like, pitying me, they thought I was pathetic.

Right, yeah. Cutting yourself isn't a sign that you're a murderer. It's a sign that you might shop at Hot Topic or something like that, but this doesn't make you a murderer.

Thank God, it just means I'm a pussy. I was implying that, but you said it yes. So the hole in the wall. How did you punch a hole in the wall?

Oh, yes, variation.

Variation on the punch in the papers in the sink. What made you do that? I think I just wanted to watch something burn.

I think I was actually trying to forage my parents signature on our band's timesheet for saying I practiced the trumpet and I was trying to forage their signature. And I messed up so I burned up a bunch of them, but it was pretty thrilling for me. Wow, what was the worst punishment you ever got from your parents? You seemed like a very rebellious Korean boy. The TV thing was pretty harsh in my opinion.

No TV on the weekdays? Another thing that they did to me was, you know, when I was a little boy. My dad brought me upstairs and he hit my calf with like a stick. He had a special stick. Yeah, was it from outside, or was it something else?

It was like from a TV antenna or something, and he was like, See, I need to hit you, this is for your own good here. I'll hit myself. And he hit himself and then he's like, Okay, now I get to hit you? And I was like, This is so weird.

This is like, even worse than if you just beat me.

Put the ball gag in your mouth, I hit me and then I hit you.

You've been a bad boy.

You're so much more masculine when you're Korean, it's really impressive.

I have a fully grown Korean man deep inside me, not the first time.

Anyway, all right, Hans, well, you got tonight's show started, you fucking did it again. Anything else you want to say?

You seem like you have fucking something on your mind, seems like you have unfinished business up here. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I don't know. You guys must not think about polar bears as much as I do.

But yes, I'll come back and I got some new bits that I'm trying to work on. I love it, Hans, everything's good. You have one of the hardest jobs in fucking stand-up.

William has a bunch of amazing trademark things he can do. Cam is still in his first, you know, six months of doing it. He's burning through material, writing new material and this. And that you've been doing this for two and a half years. It's not easy to do what you do.

Don't take it hard on yourself, but you did kind of bomb tonight, but don't take it that hard on yourself. It's the craziest thing in fucking comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching. Literally, people don't make it a minute into most of the specials that go out nowadays, like on fucking Netflix and shit.

Wow, both of the band members just said, It's true at the same time, just to let you know how spot on I am.

Spot on I am.

Fuck yeah, but yeah, it's crazy what you do. Louis. Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself, just go back home and get back to cutting yourself.

Yeah, you did pretty good. My only all that I ask is ten hail marys and five self-whips with an antenna. There, he goes, Hans Kim Ladies and gentlemen, did I pull a second name out yet?

That's first, second, ooh, that's inside, look at that.

Oh, that's inside. Go let him know that he's up. Second, that's incredible. All right, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket?

We're going to meet them all together. I think you guys know how this works. This is where we found everybody, anything can happen, everybody has a chance.

Make some noise for your first bucket full of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Austin Young, everybody, Austin Young.

What's going on guys? What's up you guys drinking tonight? Dude? I fucking love drinking. I drink a lot of beer.

Love bud light fucking love it, dude, just want to say as a man with a dick and tits.

It's so great to finally have a beer that makes me feel seen.

I love drinking, dude, I can't smoke weed, I'm too dumb regularly and I get even dumber when I'm high. Like, I got really high. And I was at this park, I was walking and there was this Indian family ahead of me.

And when I say Indian, I mean, you know, there's two types you got. And. But it was these guys and I was listening to them talk, they were speaking Hindi and then English, and then back to Hindi.

I was so high, I was like, Wait, can I understand them?

And then I started listening to some more. And they were speaking Hindi, and then English, and then they just kept speaking English. And I slowly started to realize that they were speaking English. The whole time. Thank you guys, that's my time, thank you.

Austin Young with his Piltoni debut Am I correct? This is your first time look at you, you're adorable.

Oh, thank you. You look like if Kevin James ate Kevin James, that's right. That's amazing. You got an applause break with your very first joke.

We got word in immediately that Hans was so mad. He lit papers on fire in the sink. It's currently one of the sinks has papers burning in it. But you're wearing a fire department shirt. Do you work at the fire department? I do not.

This is my brother's station here, so I'm just repping his station here in Matt Lachey, Florida. Stolen valor? All right, yep, that's right. Thought you were a goddamn hero.

No, I'm a truck driver and I shovel horse shit on the side. Yeah, that makes sense. The only 9-11 you're part of is when you look at the number on the scale. Yeah, that's right, I'm a big boy.

You are a big, big boy, I love it. So what do you do for work? I'm a truck driver and I shovel horse shit, shovel horse shit.

Yeah, wow, how often do you shovel horse shit? Like, every weekend, every weekend.

How many hours on a weekend do you, uh?

Just depends how much they eat. So right, this guy has a job from another time. I didn't know.

People still live there, that's incredible. Yeah, it's pretty cool. What just do you have to find the horse? or how do you? No, no, it's a horse boarding spot, so then I just like, shovel horse shit.

When you say shoveling horse shit, is it like real horse shit? or is it like Hans's polar bear joke from earlier? Nah, it's real horse shit. They're thoroughbreds, dressage and shit. It's pretty cool, okay? Thoroughbred is another bread that you love.

Yeah, I prefer sourdough, honestly, but I don't mind, so absolutely, I like your style. So you live in Florida?

Yes, what part? I'm from Fort Myers originally? Okay, yeah, Fort....

Anybody? And you drive trucks all around the country, or what I used to, now I'm local, now you're local.

Yeah, what are you doing? you delivering stuff? What's going on? Yeah, I deliver parts, car parts.

Okay for GM, So that's pretty cool. Yeah, okay, absolutely.

And what do you do for fun? This? How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for four years, four years, all of it in Fort Myers.

All over Florida. And then I just moved here about a year ago, you moved to Austin. Yes, sir, amazing, and your name is Austin Young.

Yes, I know, and you're new to Austin. Yes, and you're Austin young. Yes, sir.

Okay, easy to remember? Yeah, absolutely, until you've been here a while, I know, yeah.

Okay, so other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for fun? You seem like you have some hobbies you have. Like, a little one of those little miniature train sets or something like that, put on a special hat. Take it very seriously. Trains are pretty dope.

I like, I watch a lot of movies and shit I got, I don't know. Are you allowed to watch movies on the weekdays? Sometimes, if I'm like, really good, my parents will let me.

Right, it's pretty dope, but yeah, I'm a boring guy. Dude, how old are you? I am almost 30..

Okay, why'd you laugh when you answered that? because people just think I'm so young, I'm like, right?

Yeah, I thought you were 11.

I have that sweet baby face. I have a sweet baby face. you do very, very sweet.

And by sweet, I mean diabetic, that's right.

I'm not that young.

Full applause break by the crew. Look at that, I love it. The Kill Tony team loves that response.

We love honesty here. A little fun fact about killing in the interview is just be honest, gotcha, if you're honest, it automatically works, and you are.

We believe that you get dizzy. Yeah, have you ever passed out or anything like that? No, I ain't no bitch, whoa.

Wow, that's absolutely incredible. Just power through it, just grab a wall, you'll be good.

You think Tony Soprano was a bitch? I do, Oh my god, wow, that's...

On sight, Oh my, on sight. Guess who's standing, though? Wow.

He's dead, right? Yeah, he was, he's....

The great James Gandolfini, one of the best television actors of all time. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Austin Young? A little fun fact about your life?

A fun fact Yeah, I don't know, dude. I don't have many fun facts, I'm a boring dude.

Fuck, is your brother that's a firefighter more fit than you, of course, obviously.

Well, I mean, I don't know. He could be the guy that, like, catches everybody when they come down the pole or something like that. Bounce off, could be the guy in charge of feeding the Dalmatian or something. I'd eat all the Dalmatian's food.

That wouldn't.

That's not, too. That's not good responsibility. He could lie on the ground when they jump out the window and they could just land on him.

I love it, Austin, what's your love life like? My love life too, too great.

I just.

I can't stop getting laid. It's a real problem. Are you being sarcastic? No, dude?

I fucking.

Are you being sarcastic now? No, dude, how about now? No, no.

You said.

Remember when I said the honest part from earlier, I know that's why I'm being honest. Tony Okay.

Where do you get all this pussy from? you? fat? fuck? just tender dude really? yeah.

So you really do get a ton of pussy, I do all right, and by a ton of pussy, I mean, one of the girls you hook up with at a time. Yeah, because they're heavily overweight.

Yeah, you reverse catfish them, I do. They're never ready, they're like,....

And they catfish you, they do. it's just always a double catfish. Every hookup you have, you're like, Yeah, I'm disappointed, and so are you.

Let's fuck.

Just a couple cute snorlaxes just fucking. It's pretty cool, I love it. So you really get them off tender.

Like their most recent hookup, when was that last week? Explain to us how that goes down. This is a one-night stand. You didn't meet the girl?

They never even knew that I had sex before. You are correct, everyone thinks you're a virgin, still.

Hold on, slow it down, so someone messages you on Tinder, you swipe. How does this work?

Take it from the beginning. I just keep swiping until I run out of swipes and then I just see what the Lord blessed me with. And so that's usually how I go. And it's called trolling for bottom feeders.

That's what that is, that's right, right? Yep, and so what happens?

You invite her over, Yeah, so she came over. It smells like horse shit in here.

She came.

Oh, we have some audio from your living room right now because you're shoveling the horses that live with you.

So she comes over what happens first, she comes over. She wanted to smoke some weed, and I haven't smoked in a while. Ooh.

Hell yeah, you get really dizzy when you stand up. Yeah, let's just say I didn't stand up that day, what?

I just stayed on the seated, so.

And I got too high and then I really couldn't stand her and I wanted her to leave. What was so annoying about this lady? Oh, she's gonna hear this.

Fuck, no one cares. You don't have to say that. Before every question, What was your school like? Well, my teachers might be listening, but....

Jesus, fucking answer the questions. She just wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was trying to. We were watching a movie, I was into the movie.

I liked it. What was the movie? Oh my God?

Answer the questions. It was Storks, It's a cute-ass movie on Netflix. Storks, Oh my God.

It's animated, it's adorable. Did you say? cute-ass movie? It's a cute movie. Oh my God.

She said she wanted to watch something animated. I said, let's watch Storks. It's just the cutest fucking movie ever. You denied pussy for cartoons, what the fuck?

No, I still got the pussy. All right, all right. Hell yeah, Storker and porker.

You know what I mean? That's what I always say, I know what's going on. Hell, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely, yeah. So about how long through Storks do you make your move? I didn't, I was too high.

And then she kind of made the first move and I just let it happen and then she just tried to go again. And I'm like, I'll be honest, I'm way too high and I'm very sleepy. Do you watch Storks a lot? No.

How many times do you think you've watched it? That was my second time. So that's why I was like, I really liked it the first time I watched it, and I was really looking forward to seeing it again. And this bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up, so it's an adorable movie, right?

Yeah, okay, yeah, okay, okay.

So then what happens? She's like, I can go if you want, and then what'd you say? Yes, okay.

No, before that, the sex part, like, what happens first? She blew me, okay?

So what is it? You guys are sitting on a couch? Yeah, okay, and she just starts doing that.

Yeah, okay, it's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah.

Do you have to like scoot down so your belly isn't over your junk? How does that work when you're morbidly obese? You've seen Peter Griffin when he was naked, right? No, okay.

You've never watched, Family guy, not all of us. Fuck to animated shit, dude, you can watch it and not fuck. Can you get hard without a cartoon on in the background?

So she's blowing you and then what happens? I cum so hard. Oh so, that's it. I mean, what?

Do you think she was blowing me? That's like, that's what happens, but I mean, so no sex, nothing for her.

You throw one of those meaty fingers in there, look at those fucking hangers you got, look at those fucking trucker hands dude, you got that fucking, you got that muscle milk running through you.

Yeah, there it is. Is that what it sounds like when you cum?

Yeah.

Here, do it again.

What's my impression of you cumming? It's pretty spot on. TONY Hell yeah, all right, Austin.

Well, welcome to the show. congratulations. I appreciate it. great set. thank you so much.

Here's a big joke book for a big man. Thank you guys, thank you so much.

He was really just working security and hanging out with us and smoking a bunch of weed for a few months, and then he started doing stand-up himself. He's been on the show a couple times, he works a lot. So I'm excited to see a brand new minute from our friend Hank Garza. Ladies and gentlemen,

Big hank, big hank, Garza, come on make some noise for hank, everybody.

I get it, you're thinking, Hey Beaner, Ray Cyrus, tell us a joke in Espanol. Well, here you go en Espanol.

No, se dice Ren and Stimpy looking motherfuckers, en espanol, se dice Tony Hinchcliffe y Brian Redman looking motherfuckers.

I believe anything can be a cum rag if you have enough regret.

I grew up in South Texas. We did things a little different. That's right, we weren't exposed to white wine like the rest of y'all when somebody asked me, Hank, what's your favorite white wine?

I'd say you're in America, speak English.

Do y'all like impressions? Here you go?

That is somebody that got a sex change but then got Alzheimer's later in life, sir.

One more, one more, all right. here we go, one more.

I need somebody to act stupid, retarded you right there. Do it the future ladies and gentlemen.

And Golden ticket winner? Thank you, that's my time, all right? Hank Garza.

Hank Garza coming out angry. Look at him smiling now, but he comes out like, Who the fuck likes impressions out here? so angry? It's very, very, very aggressive comedy.

My bad, what do you think happened there? Like, look at you, this is who you really are, look how happy you are.

Why do you think you're scary when you're trying to be funny and funny when you're not? I don't know, man, it just comes out. That's just how it comes, that's the interpretation.

Maybe nerves? I don't know, maybe nerves. And you're implying that we only have retarded golden ticket winners here on the show. I mean, the record speaks for itself.

But, you know, none of them are retarded, right? you know, cerebral palsy and being retarded are two different things. It's still the special Olympics, so okay, well, okay.

It's pretty incredible because, I mean, the one guy that is retarded, Jared Nathan, kills all the time and he doesn't come out like.

Como Sedice, Ren and Stimpy.

But meanwhile, you're trying to take digs at mentally challenged people. Came out swinging, Dude, what do you expect, man? You should try it like mellow sometime, the same jokes.

I bet it would work so much better. Yeah, do you perform like that when you're doing like the shows out in Timbuktu or whatever? No, as you can tell from the vest that he's wearing, he's a true Texan.

He's got a hard nipple or something. It's my glasses. I don't wear glasses on stage. Thank you Red Band for your observations.

So Hank, tell us, how's it been going? How long have you been doing stand-up now? a year and a half, a year and a half?

And you're a big man, been doing it a year and a half. How's that going for you? Not bad.

I mean, it could be best, it could be better, but I mean, it's all on me, just out here, fucking grinding.

That's it, dude. I mean, yeah, no, I get it. And what else is going on in life?

Tell us more about.

It's fucking falling apart, dude, what the fuck you want me to say? Anybody else going through some shit? holy shit?

Tell us about it, Hank, I'm scared. What are you willing to talk about here? I'm going through addiction, I'm trying to get my family back.

What the fuck, dude, I'm trying to get this comedy together, trying to make y'all laugh. That's how it's going, dog, that's how it's fucking going.

So you wonder why somebody comes out here just swinging? It's Edanami.

Wow, I don't want to end up being your comrade tonight, so I'm a little bit nervous about what I'm going to say next here.

Louie, you ever seen anything quite this scary before in your life? No, not that. No, he's pretty scary. During the act, I thought it was scary. You should say that you're Mexican.

I didn't know you were Mexican when you came out, so that joke kind of went over my head. I don't know you could be Arab, which would be scarier to me.

Why don't you talk about the addiction and the stuff that you're going through instead of making someone else do an impression for you? That is a good question. Why don't you talk about the serious stuff going on in your life? Do you have jokes about that? No, not yet.

It's just.

No, I don't have any jokes. I don't think it's that funny, right? It seems like we do.

It's pretty hilarious to us. Oh, I bet amazing. So you're trying to get your family back? What happened to your family?

Did they get deported?

Yeah, man, they got here before, they weren't dreamers. No, I mean, you know, just some stuff happens with the family, and sometimes, you know, daddy just has to step away.

That's it, that's what my dad did, yeah.

No, I'm around, though, but yeah, it's a little complicated, but, you know, okay.

All right, any other ten years of marriage, dude? I mean, you're going to have your ups and downs, Jesus Christ.

You are.

Are you sure the addiction problems that you mentioned? Did you perhaps do a little bit of blow before coming up here tonight? No, no, no.

No, no, any special skills or talents other than comedy. I sang last time, I don't know. I do a lot of yoga.

But I'm not about to flex my ass. Don't do yoga. What did you sing last time? Like a Mexican song? Yeah, Mariachi.

I was a mariachi. All right. Do it again real quick. Let's get some fucking energy in the room because you....

I think a lot of the audience is scared. Whatever, we got to bring this shit up, one, two, one, two, three, four.

It's a ring of fire, everybody.

Stop, yeah.

Congratulations. Damn it next time. Smile. I'm telling you it's going to be 100 different, all right?

I will how about a hand for Hank Garza, everybody?

Wow, over two for our insiders tonight, Hans and Hank. It's going to be an angry green room right now, a lot of tension in there.

Austin Young is out there having the time of his life. So let's go back to the bucket again. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for your next poll. 60 seconds for Tim Harris, everybody.

Tim Harris.

I like to keep up with the space news, I stay really in tuned. I learned recently there's a hole in the sun size of 60 earths. But don't freak out. NASA released an update.

A new celestial body is coming from outer space. It's going to fill the hole. They're naming it the uncle.

Yeah, so don't fret.

I would have liked to grow up in Ancient Greece. I think growing up in the U.S is cool, but Ancient Greece would be cooler. You just get to sit around thinking about thinking.

Having orgies with your friends fucking boys.

It's just a freer society and they got to look at the stars and shit.

And speaking of fucking boys, I grew up Catholic.

It's always odd to me that priests, they pray, but they're predators. I don't know. It always confuses me. Thank you.

Okay, they pray, but they're predators. Tim HaRris Welcome Tim. How are you?

I'm well, dude, my leg's shaking, but I'm here and I'm present. Okay, leg is shaking.

Dude, I'm orgasming. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes, how long have you been doing stand-up? Two years, but like, three months, consistently.

Three months consistently. Okay, yeah, what do you do for work? I work at a dog kennel.

A dog kennel? Yeah, dude, yeah, dude.

Yeah, yeah, you look like you sleep on a surfboard.

How long have you worked at a dog kennel? I got two weeks in, you're two weeks in, I'm two weeks in. What's the longest you've ever had a job?

Because you said that like you were very proud of yourself. A year and a half, I got two weeks under my belt. Tony Unbelievable.

What do you do at the dog kennel? Dude? I clean up shit, everybody here, shoveling shit. very interesting. everybody here, shoveling absolute shit.

There you go, there's your one fart sound for the episode, Thank you Red Band, brought to you by Red Band. Everybody. Okay?

So you're shoveling shit, Louis. It was crazy you talked about, like the stars, you talked about Greek history.

It's a lot of nerdy topics, but you also seem kind of dumb at the same time. Oh shit, who calls it the space news? That seems I'm into Star Wars.

I am pretty dumb. Okay, all right, the space news. gotta keep up with the space news. Where do you get your space news from?

Shit dude, TikTok.

Fuck yeah, dude. absolutely TikTok all the way, dude. Hell yeah. So you're a big Star Wars fan?

I am, that's why you have that Luke Skywalker haircut. I love it absolutely. Did you have a dad in your life?

I did, yeah, he's good, I still do.

Like, I'm in a multiplayer lobby, your mom doesn't play games at all. No, she does not. You think that if she knew that some of the controllers vibrate, that she might, I think.

So yeah, right, because your mom's a horny bitch, I once....

Did you know that? did you know that? Did you know that Tim? Did you know that about your mom? No.

Did you know she's a horny bitch? No, I think you did. I think you did, Tim. I think you had a little bit of an idea.

Okay, so how old are you? I'm 25 25 years old, been doing it seriously for three months.

What else are you up to? What are 25-year-old Stoner fucking nerd Dorks up to? I was doing like trail work, so I was living all around. The U.S did that for two years.

Trail work, Yeah, what do you mean by that? So, just like swinging like tools at the ground, just making trails.

You made trails, yeah, like prison labor, you know, but you did it just on your own, dude, yeah.

So you're just ruining parks. Yeah, no, no, they love us, they love us. Who's us?

The trail workers, the trail makers. yeah, the workers, but you weren't really working.

What were you getting paid? Not well, but they paid you, yeah.

Okay, where were you making trails at? Mammoth Caves, Kentucky, Florida? Speaking of mammoth caves? How's your mom's vagina?

You know what I'm saying, dude?

I normally don't make fun of people's moms like this, but there's something about you that makes me want to do it. Go in. You seem like you're easy to bully. I am. I've been bullied for three hours straight in the lobby.

What have they been saying to you? They've been like, I'm going to rape you.

Why is there so much rape? It is one of my productions, butt rape comes along. Oh, this guy's got to go jerk off real quick.

Look at this guy, all this talk about butt rape.

What would we be surprised to know about you? Tim Harris? I got one ball, whoa gross, look at that.

Wow, the biggest applause break you got here today. I'll take it, I'll take what I can get. How did you end up with one ball? It just got twisted.

Got twisted when I was young. Wow, yeah, were you sleeping? were you doing an athletic thing?

No, I was a baby. you were a baby. Yeah, I was a baby, like a true baby, true baby.

Like an infant, I just had two bigger balls. I was a little baby. yeah, like an infant less than six months.

Wow, and I was still a sperm donor. What do you mean? you're a sperm donor? yeah?

How often do you do that, dude? I'm retired now, they retired me. They put your number up on the ceiling and lower it.

Number one for how many balls you have.

No, I did it for like a year and then one day I came in and they were like, we have enough. Yeah, they're like, you're high as shit and you have one ball, you fucking weirdo, get out of here, you broke, fuck.

Hell yeah, okay, what's your love life like? you swinging that fucking ball around?

No, dude you out there fucking making trails, dude you out there fucking working the kennel, dude fucking making those dogs bark.

The most action I've gotten was getting threatened to be raped. Wow, pretty recently. Look at that. You live in Austin.

I do, yeah, right, how long have you lived here? I moved in August. okay, so you haven't been with a girl since moving here?

No, I hooked up with a girl about a month ago. Okay, what happened there? I came over one of the first things I told her. I told her I wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and she laughed in my face, so that was refreshing.

Bullying, Yeah, I hit it what, everyone's bullying him, like the women, like every single person.

You let her fucking talk to you like that, dude, dude, I'm a bitch. Tony. I'm like a fucker. Leave it to you to drop the ball.

Bees Ooh, very fast. Answer there. Absolutely what happens. Were you like the kid from the Macaulay Culkin movie?

Good girl, go girl, my girl. I don't know what happened in that movie, You young bitch.

Yeah, legendary dude Macaulay Culkin got stung by bees and died. Shit, that's like my worst nightmare. No, I stepped on a ground hornet nest.

Oh, there it is. Look out alright, yeah.

Interesting So what do you think is going to happen here with the stand-up comedy stuff? What's the goal? The goal, honestly, right now, is just to get paid for a show at some point. I don't feel good about the time that I've spent doing it, but I'd like to go ahead of that.

Right, well, you've started. It takes a fucking, it takes a lot of ball to...

But you got the ball rolling, so it's very good for you. Excited for New Year's Eve to drop the ball again?

Yeah, I'll have my fingers crossed. It was. It was a ball-dropping performance here tonight. Here is, much like your ball sack, a tiny tiny joke bucket there you go.

Tim Harris Everybody.

Alright, let's get to that, let's do one more of these, alright, make some noise for your next comedian.

60 seconds uninterrupted back to the bucket from Ivory Jones, Everybody, Ivory Jones.

Ooh, make some noise for Ivory Jones everyone. Hey, I'm Ivory Jones out here, looking like a fucking Cypress Hill roadie right now, alright.

I know what I fucking look like y'all, I look like the hobbit from the hood, like Bilbo Baggins. But if he only sold weed and mixtapes out the Shire, alright, now, everybody's always telling me, Ivory, you gotta wear pants on stage.

Real comics wear pants on stage. Ivory. I'm four foot tall with a 48-inch waist. they don't make this goddamn pant size. Okay, any of y'all out there finds a 48-26 for sale? You buy them shits.

Mail them to me, I'll cash out your ass money. Bet shit, man. Can you imagine some Asian sweatshop worker at the end of her shift?

That 48-26 coming down the line hood is full.

Humpty, dumpty.

I'm just trying to tell y'all, I'm too tall to be a dwarf. I'm not quite tall enough to be a real person. I could be the Andre, the giant of midget wrestling tomorrow, though. TONY Alright, let's fucking go.

Alright, Ivory James taking the note that we gave Hank coming out.

A lot of smiles seemed like a happy guy. I waited a long time to be here, man, I appreciate it, I love it.

I like your style, you put the low in cholo.

I'm not really Mexican, but I got a lot of jokes about that because everybody thinks I'm Mexican, bro. How are you not Mexican? I don't fucking know either. You look like you could have gone under the wall.

Hell yeah, man, hell yeah, I like it, I like it, man. Where are you then?

Irish, Italian.

Mexican in Texas. Sir, wait, hold on, no, seriously.

What are you, Irish, Italian and Native American? Yeah, how much Native American? My great-grandmother's full-blood Indian.

Right, right, and then what kind of Irish? where does the how much Irish did your parents...?

Short, fat people that drink a lot. I don't really know, on my grandfather's side, though they are Irish, absolutely okay.

For sure, for sure. Short round. People not seeing it at all whatsoever. I look Mexican bro.

I know I get it every day. Okay, what type of shit do you shovel for work? No man?

I tell you, no one's ever fucking answered it like this man. I breed reticulated pythons for a living rare morphology of such.

Make a full-time career selling snakes on the internet man. whoa you sell snakes on the internet on the internet, sir. And hot sauce that I make and grow the peppers for.

I hustle pigs all from the same bathtub, everybody. This is incredible. I sell mini pigs out the back of an El Camino on Saturday, sometimes, sir, out the back of an El Camino.

And you swear you're not Mexican? I swear to fucking Christ bro. No oranges, just pigs for sale. This is absolutely incredible, fucking anomaly.

Do you like that? Hell yeah, definitely. hell yeah, okay.

So how much money do you make selling snakes, man? You know, on a good year, $60,000 to $70,000 is pretty average. you say $16,000 to $70,000. $60,000 to $70,000 a year is a pretty good average income. It costs a lot to do what I do, too.

So half of that goes back into feeding, housing, heating, keeping all these guys alive and well. So how many tiny mice do you have in your place? That was an entire business I ran for a very long time. They kind of priced me out of it. The feed keeps going.

Everything keeps fucking going to feed the mice, right? Exactly exactly so.

Now I sell pigs to supply my rodents for my other animals. Something feeds, something all the way down the fucking chain, man, I get the feeling you're eating all of it. Hey, my smoker stays busy, sir.

Absolutely, Louis, what do you think about this? I think your house must smell really bad. I smoke enough weed to keep it fucking under wraps, bro, hell yeah.

Does someone live there with you? No, I'm single currently, but I have had people that have lived there with me in the past. Absolutely, in the snake zone, in the snake zone, for sure. It's a weird little niche, man, but I made my world in it.

Right, so, my goodness, do snakes ever bite you? Oh, that's part of the game, bro, for sure.

For sure, I almost died in my living room from a snake bite once upon a time. Man from a python, from a very large python, absolutely. Or just a pie?

No, yeah, no. From a very large python that I was being middleman, transporting. It had to be with me for about a week. I was sending it out to its new owner. I had my leg on top of this box.

It was going into and it was bigger than the box, so when it flexed, I went in the box with it. It came out with me and its whole bottom jaw had the back in. It looks like a bear got me in the back of my knee. Oh, yeah, it does.

You know what I mean, is that fat? Yeah, that is fat. That was all just flopping out of there, bro, holy shit.

It was rough. 137 stitches, man. I had to tie a hoodie tourniquet around it. We tried to superglue it back in my living room because I don't do doctors, bro, the old hoodie tourniquet.

A lot of Irish people end up with a hoodie tourniquet. It's a miracle I'm alive, bro, I like it. How old are you?

38 years old man, 38 Okay, we're close to death. Yeah, well, I guess we are, sir.

No, I was talking about you for sure. 38 years old. Where do you live? Elmo, Texas man, which is like 45 minutes east of Dallas.

I work the DFW comedy scene, though. Okay, absolutely all right. So you're selling snakes?

Very interesting. And pigs, what else do you need? How do you make the hot sauce? I grow all the hottest peppers in the world and they're the top nine.

So we're into that excessive heat stuff, and there's a really weird niche market for that, too. Those really excessive hot peppers bring high-end dollar amounts, man, ten peppers on the internet go for like 20 bucks, bro. How much do you make a year doing the hot sauce?

Probably another 20 grand or so a year, just hustling hot sauce, another 20 grand. And what was the third job? You have, selling pigs and farm animals as well.

And how much do you make a year selling pigs? 10, 15 grand a year, maybe, so you're about 100 grand a year. Just fucking hustling. That's about what I do, man, that's about what I do a year.

What do you like to spend some of this money on? Ooh, you know, it's crazy. I just put it all back into my businesses. Honestly, I never spend a dollar, hardly on anything other than rolling my other business and continuing to grow everything.

It all started in a 10-by-10 bedroom with some snakes, and now I own a farm. Kind of, so like, it just keeps kind of snowballing, man. Oh, look at that, the Texas economy, hey.

The booming Texas economy respects that. The American Dream? Hell yeah, snakes and hot sauce, right?

Or the Mexican dream, if you're being honest, the Mexican dream.

Jones, Ivory Jones, man, I've had a pretty wild-ass life, man. I was a rapper for a while, man, really.

You were a rapper. I know it's crazy, dude. The notorious P.I.G actually, y'all just had Michael White on the other day.

He's an old friend of mine that I knew from the rap game, and now we kind of re-met each other through this stuff. So the spaghetti guy, Yeah, the spaghetti guy's a good friend of mine. Wait, wait, hold on.

Stop, stop, stop.

The Spaghetti guy through the DFW used to have a Battle League group there, and he was like the king of Battle League. Bro, did you ever go against him? No, no, no, no.

I was never a battle leaguer, I just kind of rolled with those guys. I made music in the same realm that they did. Ask for a beat. We want to Hear you rap.

Oh shit, you guys want to hear this fucking guy rap? I've rapped with Team Madness. Okay, no one cares fucking rap.

Now you retard. Hey, let's do it. hey, hey, hey, I've done it before. Hell yeah.

Here we go, yeah, here we go. Indeed, Ivory Jones, Everybody bring the thunder, get lost in the storm. A day in my life is like watching a porn.

Being this white since the day I was born, and don't think I was since I started up torn, plunged to the board, that's just the norm. Purple pouring.

Tear we storing, turn your government into a whore, and then we out torn.

Yeah man, yeah man, slow it down. Oh shit, we want to hear what the fuck you're saying.

This is a show for words. Man, oh shit, all right, all right. So now we're going to really slow it down even more, okay?

Slower?

Bum, bum, bum. Yeah, there we go. Let's see if you really got anything. Bring the thunder, get lost in the storm.

No louder fucking project, all right, bring the thunder, get lost in the storm.

Tear we storing, turn your government into a whore, and then we out, tongue in a bum and my dick in a mouth.

Lick in a trout, Okay, stop, dig in a route.

Hey, hey hey, I like your style, Ivor. you have a real good attitude.

Louie Yeah, you definitely like M&Ms.

Hell yeah, hell yeah, you ate mile.

Hell yeah, goodness. hell yeah, my goodness gracious. That is absolutely unbelievable, Ivor.

You're such an interesting character. Yeah, there's only one, bro. That is true. That is true, I've never seen a 46 28 before in my life, or whatever it was.

Yes, sir, I like your style, man. Welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book There you go.

I appreciate it, everybody.

Hell yeah, I'm living my dream right now, man. This shit is the best shit that ever happened to me. I'm doing a lot of shit I wish I could have did as a kid.

I almost got to be able to fuck a porn star a couple of days ago. I didn't, and I blame Uncle Lazer fully for that bullshit. We was in L.A. and there was three porn stars came to the show and they wanted to fuck immediately. They was like, we gonna suck y'all dicks, long as we get back to the house. So all you had to do was get the bitches back to the house.

That's it. All you had to do was get the bitches back to the house. I was finna, get the condoms and the liquor, and then I was gonna get the bitches at the house. We get to the house and Uncle Lazer there is there, with no bitches, no hoes at all.

It's Uncle Lazer in a deep ass voice and Dick Harg. He probably exited for no reason.

He just ready to fuck something, he just hard as shit. Three niggas, it's me, him and three other dudes around, no bitches.

So I see the bitches drive off and I'm naive. I'm a young guy. I said, Oh, shit, are they Finna? Go park?

He was like, No, they leaving, they getting out of here, I'm like, why are they leaving? He went well. The porn star. We was in the car, we was kissing.

That's crazy, this bitch sucked dick for a living. That's insane, right? We was in the car and we was kissing, We was kissing a lot and stuff like that.

Out of nowhere, she got a text from her dad and he said he was Finna kill himself, and her whole demeanor changed. I wanna tell y'all something, man, I hope that Nigga is dead.

I hope he is fucking dead. Dawg, that's my time.

I love it, I fucking love it. That story originally came out in one of the interviews that we did, which I love to see you turning that into actual material. Incredible.

How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson?

Rocking the vintage Cowboy starter jacket? That thing is one of a kind. I mean, how the fucking zipper is still on that thing. That's like, priceless, of course, it would have to be.

They only made those in the fucking very early 90s, right? Jolly is out there trying to buy it from me or steal it, whatever he trying to do, right, steal it. Let me hold that bitch for a second.

I wore that size too, I could fit that size like a motherfucker. Did you have a starter jacket in the early 90s? Of course, multiple starter jackets.

Buckeyes I was a dolphins fan growing up. I wanna get a magic one. if anybody got a magic one, you wanna send me fuck with the nigga.

Where the camera at? I have no idea what you just said. I understood more of Ivory Jones first rap than I understood what you just said. That Nigga wasn't even saying words, Bruh.

That shit was crazy.

That's what I heard, too. Would you say? We should get matching starter jackets? We should get matching starter jackets, that'd be hard. I like that idea.

Gang violence, absolutely.

What else is going on in your world? Cam PATTERson Right now, I'm just trying to get it done. That's about it, trying to stay on top of shit, a lot of pressure, so you gotta keep going.

It is a lot of pressure, a lot of eyes watching, a lot of judgmental fucks out there. Yeah, fuck them, we'll kill them later.

We'll kill them niggas later. Dawg, why'd you look right at me when you said that? I don't know why? You had to look right at my eyes and say that I like you? Louis? You a good nigga.

You a good nigga. I love you Dawg. We locked in, but other niggas, they can die, we can kill them.

Yeah, we'll kill them, we're gonna kill them together as a team, right? Me and you, Louis, you just agreed to killing the other n-words, Damn Louis, you racist.

What the fuck are you agreeing to? It sounds like a fun thing we could do together. You're not wrong. It's gonna be fun, we're gonna have a good time.

That's the way to get people to watch your special get canceled.

Worked for you? Hell yeah, it did. it did big time, so I love it, Cam.

Where did you get that jacket from? It was in Milwaukee and they had a little thrift shop in the back of one of the shitty stores. I went to and I was like, Oh, hell yeah, I'm gonna cop this shit. It was like $40..

Yeah, you stole it.

You looted it, No, it was like $40, right? it was, it wasn't.

I wore it out, it would have been $40 if you would have bought it. that's the tag that you had to rip off. that said, $40. I just wore it out.

I been had this shit we talking about, stupid dumbass. I came in with this goddamn jacket, damn it, I love it so much. Fun cam as always.

Now you talked about like we talked about in the interview before you talked about this. So you were making out with a porn star? No, no, no, I was not making out with a porn star. No, I don't kiss porn stars.

Uncle Lazer was kissing a porn star in the backseat of a car with other porn stars. That's what he was doing. He fucked up the mission. It's amazing because Uncle Lazer asked to be on this show.

And then I caught up with you guys in the green room for a second and you said, Is it cool if we go back to back? So we're about to catch Uncle Lazer and then we're going to ask him about this and then can you come back out during his interview?

Yeah, yeah, Louie, anything else? For Cam? It just sounds like Uncle Lazer really let you down. If you can't depend on a guy named Uncle Lazer, who can you depend on? That is true.

That's what I said, man, Okay, how about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody?

And like that, I think, you know what's coming next, back to back. Let's find out the other side of the story here, as I present to you another new minute from a kiltony friend of the show, Uncle Lazer. Everybody here he is.

Oh shit, oh, he's putting a zit in. uh-oh, very serious.

Very big hank energies out here.

How about one more time? one more time for Uncle Lazer everybody, one more time for Uncle Lazer.

Cam's motherfucking lying first off, but I'll do my joke first here. Listen, I just saw my ex-girlfriend at 10 months, took her out to the olive garden, right? She said. Come out, I'm better now.

That was a trap, shouldn't have went right, she said. She's into this new hobby domestic violence.

She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the n-word. Yeah, aggressive, yeah, that's what I said, too, right? My winner's not that big.

And my credit score's good, you know what I'm saying, Relax, right? But domestic violence is a weird thing. Look, I know I look like I hit women.

But I don't, you can't hit them, they fall weird.

They fall like newborn deer. You know what I'm saying. And there's no winner for a man in domestic violence now, right?

You hit a woman, you're going to jail, but if you get taken advantage of in that fucking olive garden, you're a faggot.

She got a pussy like a snapping turtle. So did I learn my lesson? No, am I gonna see her again? probably.

She jerked me off in the shower with a rubber glove behind, like a stranger you ever jerked off that frog. In the science project, that's what I'm talking about. I'm uncle Lazer.

Thank y'all so much, there you go. Why the rubber glove? Very interesting. It's really not a rubber glove.

She had one of them exfoliating gloves like women do on their skin and shit. And she put a little lotion on it and just beat me off from behind like a stranger would. It was fucking incredible. Is that true? No, it's a dead...

I wish I was telling jokes, I'm just telling stories, man. Okay, Uncle Lazer?

You had an auntie named Freeze.

Okay, so let's talk about it. Explain to me more. Why would she jerk you off from behind with an exfoliating glove with lotion? It seems like very counteractive here. Why not use her bare hand?

It's not the same you would prefer it with the exfoliating hand mitt. It's like a pot mitt, kind of, right? Yeah, it's like a construction worker, so it's like a glove.

The fingers go in the glove, it's a whole ass glove you put on your hand. Tony. I'm asking you though, is it like a mitten? or is it like a finger? You don't know? the exfoliating, glove, exfoliating.

I don't know that word, you know what I'm fucking talking about? Exfoliating.

Exfoliating, glove, exfoliating.

So I'm asking you to put the glove on. One jerked me and the other one, she picks me up like a bowling ball from the ashtray.

Lasering up to your left, go back there, you go there.

It is Red Band worth it. wouldn't be able to do it without you. Red Band always on the ball.

But those gloves and mittens?

I'm like, Relax guys, you know, I've been beating off since nine, you know what I'm saying? I'm tethered. A lot of shocking things in your set, I noticed.

You have a good credit score.

I did, I'm about to file for bankruptcy and kill myself, but yes, I used to have a good credit score. How did you used to what happened?

Well, I was an old fell for it. I made a lot of money, I had a house, I pay my bills on time and now.

Now what, you know, hey?

I'm here, right? And you're really thinking about filing bankruptcy? No, no, no, just scrubbing it all the way.

Like an exfoliating handcuff, it's not just go home and do it. Then we'll circle back to this. You're welcome buddy, no way.

No fucking way, your dick's fucked up, dude. It's got a big vein in the middle of it. It looks like a ribbed condom all the time.

D-Madness knows what I'm talking about. I heard him back there, I know you come on dude, I know you got a big old hog back there.

You're throwing poles, there's no doubt about it. That's why you play bass, baby. We all know d-madness as a fucking absolute goddamn fucking. He's smuggling something, oh dude.

He don't put his bass in his case, he carries his dick around in it. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely 100%.