#655 - TOM GREEN + ADAM RAY

Hey, all the L.

A. Forum is right around the corner. And, contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube theater, two days later, has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kill Tony's history.

Travel. Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand up sets.

I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on the road I am doing until 2025.. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road.

Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

Hey,

this is Redman, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

Who's ready for the best fuckin' night of their lives, huh?

Yeah! Make some noise for Redman, everybody!

Oh, my goodness.

Welcome, indeed. You made it. You're at Kill Tony. Hi, everybody. This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, DraftKings, Talkspace, and Game Time.

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Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Carlos Sosa on the horns.

Fernando Castillo on the horns. And Rahul Vallejo on the horns. I forgot to write it down. It's like a goddamn fuckin' food truck menu over there.

Chicken enchilada on the horns.

Carnitas Tostada on the trombone. Make some noise for the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh boy, do we have a show for you on this evening. Before we start it, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, some of the funniest people on planet Earth. This is an unbelievable, unbelievable booking. I present to you one of our favorite comedians, two of our favorite comedians of all time. A guy who basically started this gangster.

shit, the whole fuckin'. have your own show, sit at a table and, fuckin'. you've been watching him for decades. And also joining him, the 2023 Guest of the Year.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tom Green and Adam Ray.

Adam Ray, Tom Green, Charlie.

This is Kill Tony. Holy shit, Tom Green in the fuckin' house. This is an absolute dream booking. We've been trying to get him for 11 years. Had him booked right before the global pandemic.

Unbelievable. Took this long to get him and now we got him with little Charlie here. The bum bum song, by the way. That was the bum bum song. That was indeed the bum bum song.

What an intro. It is. This is Charlie. Hi, Charlie. Charlie's listening to a totally different podcast right now.

Charlie's listening to Theo Vaughn right now. Yeah, man. My principal was a raccoon, man.

No, he wasn't, Theo. No, he wasn't. You can tell by that roar of laughter that that is indeed the 2023 Guest of the Year, Adam Ray in his natural human form. I love this show. I love Tom Green.

This is gonna be a great night. This is a dream night, an absolute booking of the ages. We're so absolutely so pumped to have you guys and we're gonna have a lot of fun. Adam, obviously Guest of the Year. You know what you're doing.

Tom, you might have an idea. I think you've seen the show a few times. But there's a bucket here filled with about 200 human souls that have attempted to get pulled out. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm pre-pulling a name now. We're gonna go grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor Choices here on 6th Street, an absolutely chaotic street filled with bars, chaos, homeless, shootings, everything you can possibly imagine. It's a lot of fun.

The homeless is getting, I feel like, better or worse in the last.

. It depends on if you are pro-homeless or not. Depends on what you mean by better.

They're different. It's always a rotating cast of characters. out there. There was a guy last night. He came up to me and a couple of fellas and he was like, You guys got a couple of dollars?

And I was like, I got you, man. Gave him a five and he goes, I'm gonna get pizza with this. And I go, fuck yeah. I think there's a lot of spots open. Came back, no joke, like two minutes later and he goes, you got any pizza for me?

And I was like, I thought that's what I gave you the money for. And he goes, fuck you, man. And then walked away. So I feel like that's funnier, but maybe not better as far as hospitality goes. That was me, by the way.

Thank you. Thank you very much. It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. The one and the only. You might recognize her as one of the octagon card girls from our arena shows at the HEB Center.

Follow her on Instagram, Gina, with three A's dot HG. For those of you that like a Wi-Fi password for an Instagram handle, she's got it. Hard to figure out. right now. There's nerds rewinding the podcast at this very moment.

What the fuck did he say? I want to follow her. Three A's, Gina. I thought her name was Heidi. Why is it Gina?

I don't know. What the fuck?

But yeah, that's her. She's absolutely unbelievable. A little something to balance out the ridiculously meat-filled sausage fest that we have on this stage. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Hell yeah, another hit. I'm doing all the hits tonight. So we have pre-pulled the name. They're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, I would like to introduce you all to the newest regular on Kill Tony.

If you don't know, now you know. Ladies and gentlemen, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. to start the show, I present to you the great and powerful Casey Rocket.

This is how you remind me. All right, very cool. Hell yeah. Maybach music. All right, very cool.

I think I just shook my NuvaRing loose. All right, there we go.

Yeah, it's basically been the worst week of my life. My fiance tried to break up with me for drinking too much Robitussin in the bedroom. Does this ever happen to you, boys?

Well, you tell me who got the better end of the deal, because she married a banker and I can smell ghosts now. So pretty cool.

Danny Phantom. All right, very cool. Hell yeah. God, I think the Dow Jones just dropped. I got to go.

I got to.

. hell. yeah, I'm a PR nightmare. God, nights like this. I understand why JFK killed himself, you know what I mean?

Is that a conspiracy that people think about? That's what I think. He had Jackie O in his ear all day. When are you going to get a real job? Breathe in.

All right, very cool. Hell yeah.

The Dutchman's Key.

Wow.

Oh my God. The one and the only, one of a kind, get it while it's hot, KC Rocket has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Oh my goodness. Another amazing performance. Literally one of my favorite things I've ever seen.

you do. Keeping a key in your mouth throughout your set. Letting it fall out. The Dutchman's Key. Had to hit him with the Dutchman's Key, I thought.

Had to. Had to, man. I woke up around 3 p.m. today, I plugged the key in there just in case, so I wouldn't forget. I wanted to be ready, and I've never felt sicker, so I'm excited.

Oh yeah, you have lead poisoning for sure. It's a lead key and I've basically been dipping it for several hours. Hopefully it worked. Have fun.

Totally original specimen. This is what you get with KC Rocket. Absolute chaos, movement all the time. I like the movement. Yeah.

You move around a lot. Thank you. I like the way you move around a lot. That's cool. Thank you.

Famous, for the crab walk. We've seen it left to right, measured at unbelievable speeds. We used a baseball radar gun on him. We got him up to 26 miles an hour. sideways.

No way. That's sideways, this direction, folks. Not running forward, sideways on a theater stage. How did the crab, what is the origin of the crab walk?

We talked about this last week, and I feel bad. I feel like I misled you. He asked me, how did you start being Crabman? Innocent enough. I told him that me and my buddy drank a bunch of Robitussin, and he turned red, and we were laughing.

We were like, you look like a crab. That's not exactly true, but I can show you. I filed a freedom of information request.

I don't know if you guys are interested in figuring out my story. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It says Bones Jones Rocket on it. That's a nickname we didn't know about.

I filed it under an alias so they wouldn't track me. Yeah, Bones Jones Rocket. My Christian name is. Yeah, nobody's.

I didn't think you could read that.

So it started on a day like today, Baton Rouge, 1981.

A woman. Oh, my God. I'll burn through these real quick. A child was born.

A child was born, not just any child, it was me.

I was named the youngest catcher in MOB history. at 3 years old. I had a 40-40 season. 40 home runs, 40 stolen bases. There I am, Chicago Cubs.

Wow. Yeah, life had never been easier. No baseball glove in that picture. I played old school.

My father brought me up right, old school baseball. Just a cap and a hand, and a hot dog, and a cap and a hand and a hot dog.

Son, you don't need a glove.

There you go. Absolutely. But you got to stop fucking dancing in the outfield.

At a 40-40 season, I was an MOB all-star by the age of 4, and they treated me not only as a prodigy, but as a monster. They chased me out of town, and me and my dad starred on Deadliest Catch together for 7 seasons.

Yep, that's my old man.

Garlo. Garlo Tarlo. He was my father.

We loved each other. There's another picture of him. I'm going to throw that up there. He's pretty fucking old. He was 85..

Wow. I can definitely see the resemblance. The baseball cap says it all. He passed me down the hat when I was 7 years old, and then tragedy struck. Oh, no.

He was attacked.

By a giant raving mad crab, monster thing. Oh, no. He almost died. But fortunately, he was able to fight it off.

That is until he fought it for a little longer.

He fought it for a length of time. Hard to decide which picture to use during the fight. Let's see. Might as well use them both. He had a GoPro on, and for that I'll forever be thankful.

He really aged during the fight. It lasted a while. He was on Deadliest Catch for 9 seasons. I had CTE. I couldn't play ball anymore.

Tragedy struck. He was assassinated by Bobby Moynihan. Oh! What an amazing twist. I wish it didn't happen either.

He was my old man.

With musical guest Modest Yahoo.

They gave him a Viking funeral, and they buried him at sea. The most famous Vikings in the world were there. NordVPN.

Ava Elfie.

Randall Cunningham, I believe. Randall Cunningham. Cut to 20 years later, I won my first Olympic gold medal in crab freestyle racing. Wow. 700 millimeter.

700 millimeter, and I met all my heroes. Nelson Mandela. Just so you know, there's 38 more pictures.

And then, one day, ladies and gentlemen, I got a package in the mail. My dad had been dead a number of years after he was assassinated by Mr. Moynihan and his ragtag group of miscreants. And I opened the package, and sure enough, he never forgot. It was a crab leg from the very crab he took down that night on that beach in Panama City.

It looks smaller than the ones.

. It was a leg that grew a body.

And there was no footage. We had to draw this one, but I remember looking at that leg and thinking about Garlo, and that was my dad's name, Garlo Tarlo, if you remember, from earlier callback. And I said, you know what? Maybe being a crab's, not such a bad thing after all.

Maybe being a crab is more human than being a man.

Maybe we're all a little bit of a crab sometimes.

And maybe that's okay.

Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen,

with an absolute.

award-winning performance, I mean, you could have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony. I think you just did it. I think you got the, what's that called? The EGOT. I think that's the first time anybody's...

I think this is the first time someone's got an EGOT during their performance here on Kill Tony. That's the best crab-murder Bobby Moynihan story I've ever heard. Tom Green, what do you think about what you just said? I mean, there's not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now. Thank you for saying that.

It's a good angle, because you've got to find an angle. That's a new angle.

No one's touching it. It's funny, your dad actually taught me how to catch crabs too.

Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you very much. I love it. Casey, an unbelievable performance to start the show. We fucking love you so much.

Thank you guys. He's on tour, he's on the road with me, with William Montgomery. Try to follow him, he's hard to track. He moves side to side at an unbelievably fast pace. Make some noise one more time for Casey Rocket.

Oh my goodness. What a way to start the fucking show. Casey is on fire. Crabs. And now we go to the bucket.

You guys know how this works. Anything can happen. We don't know anything about these people before they get pulled. Anybody has an opportunity. Lower your expectations following that unbelievable performance from Casey Rocket, but who knows?

These bucket pulls could be the future. It's where we found everybody that's ever been on the show. Here right now, 60 seconds uninterrupted, to your first bucket pull of the night. Brendan Mahaney, everybody. Brendan Mahaney.

My truck's been in the shop for the last four weeks. I'm really starting to understand why you people used to hang horse thieves around here. I mean, besides being Colorado Tuesday. I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if pizza rolls weren't my favorite food. My therapist says my obsession is more like a projection.

Because we have so much in common. Both cheap, fattening, baked at $4.25.. Thanks, Ma. I was recently informed that I look like my Pornhub search. history just says Bass Pro Shops.

Yeah, I ain't even mad. I mean, I hunt whitetail all year round. I know I got a face for camo paint. I mean, God wrote that joke. I'm just leaning into the punchline.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, I will say my love. life is a lot like fishing. You can't clean what you can't catch. That's why I took up running.

But I always catch and release. Always catch and release. Remember, single moms are like hard drugs. Recreational use. only.

Do not fuck around and get addicted. They will both fuck your life up. Woo, thanks for the kids. Okay,

Brendan Mahaney.

with musical guest Mattis. Yahoo. Yeah, you're a Bobby Moynihan character, for sure. Congratulations on your victory in a fight against a giant crab. This is amazing.

to have Casey's father follow him like this back from the grave. This is incredible. Brendan, is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Okay, well, welcome.

Did you come straight from the Vietnam War?

No. Or from an army surplus store? No, I did. I was in the army 14 years. Let's go, dude.

Thank you.

Actual man in our audience. That's what I'm talking about. My fucking battle buddy over there. Yeah, absolutely. What did you do in the army exactly?

I was a tanker. And then I got sent to Afghanistan, where we don't have any fucking tanks. Right. Well, you tanked pretty hard on stage tonight, so that's good news.

What did you do in Afghanistan if you're a tanker with no tanks? Well, then they sent us to train the police. Oh, no tanks. No, no, no.

Thank you, John Dees. Da-da-da-da.

Something's not adding up here. I was actually with Canadians. Yeah, Canadians had tanks over there. Wait, Canadians have a military? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. My dad was in the military. He was a tanker, actually, as well. We only have one tank, though.

It's a Volkswagen Beetle with a shotgun welded to the roof. Oh,

yeah.

How much other.

. What were your other porn hub searches besides fish stuff? I feel like I'm not the first person to ask you that.

I mean.

. Actually, yeah, you are. What are you really into? In a non-comedy world, what do you actually look up when you're looking at porn? I'm not sure.

I want to know, to be honest with you. You do, Tom. I do. I feel like it's going to surprise us. I feel like he's going to shock us right here.

What are you into, exactly? I usually just scroll the thumbnails, and by the third scroll, I'm done. Wow. Somebody call Leonard Skinner, because I think we have a simple man here.

My goodness. He's not picky. He's not picky. I mean, I spend so much time beating off importagons, I get a stiffy every time somebody crop dusts me, man. Disgusting, Jesus Christ.

Why didn't you do that in your set?

Two or three.

I'm a hard learner. I was raised by a single mom, so I'm just trying to envision if my mom came home and was like, hey, meet this guy. You want to go fishing? Yeah. No, not the way you said that.

Oh, yeah.

That was the character. But you would say that to the kids. I mean, yeah, I just don't even at this point, but yeah, I try to involve the kids. Okay, so, Brendan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About nine months.

Where at? Since I moved here. All in Austin, Texas? Yes, sir. Where'd you move from?

Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Uh-oh, okay, you grew tobacco?

Actually, I was a physical security technician. What does that mean exactly?

Installing key card readers and cameras and stuff like that. Okay, very good. Thank you, Red Band, thank you so much. What was that? I didn't recognize that.

What was that song that you just played there? I didn't recognize that.

So, Brendan, what made you want to start stand-up comedy nine months ago? How old are you, 51?. I just turned 44.. Okay. My goodness, wow.

Afghanistan did you dirty. Yeah.

Good lord. This man's a hero, by the way. A tankless tanker. Why does it look like the American flag on your hat is removable? Do you have a flag of a different country underneath, or something?

It's got the Taliban flag right under it.

Is that Velcro? Am I seeing that right? You can take that off if you want. Is there anything underneath? No, just Velcro.

Do you have other Velcro things? Do you switch it out sometimes when you're mad at America? No. Turn it upside down? That's not a bad idea.

Do you have other Velcro replaceables? Yes. What other types of Velcros do you put on your hat? I have one that is IR reflective, so you can see it when you have your night vision goggles on. I have one that's like...

Red Band's heart is a rock right now.

Finally, another night vision feather. Yeah. Keep in mind, fellas, this guy can murder us with two fingers. No doubt about it. Did you ever kill anybody when you were in the Army?

Yeah. You did? What did you do to do that? Bore them to death?

I'm kidding. Go ahead. The first guy died from an infection. Wait, the first guy what? This man is an American hero.

Come on. What did you say? The first guy? what? He died from an infection.

HIV?

That's how you take out the enemy? You give them an infection?

I mean, slow burn. I gave them syphilis. We got another one. I snuck into their tent in the middle of the night and jerked off on them.

No, I did see Robin Williams. Yeah, that's probably better.

You got to see Robin Williams? Well, actually, I missed his set, but he saw me crying by the fence and he came off the bus and got a group picture with my team. He's like, don't worry, there's more single moms out there.

Why were you crying by the fence at the time? Well, basically, the first thing I saw when we got in country was this banner that said, hey, we got a USO show. On this date. I knew Robin Williams was going to be there. That's all I looked forward to all year.

Then that day, we got called across to another province because the chairman of the Joint Chiefs wanted to look at a truck team. Okay, so the reason why you were crying is because you weren't going to get to see Robin Williams? Yeah, we missed it. We got there right as the roadies were packing up. But he came over and said hi to you?

Yeah, it was awesome. He got off the bus and was like, hey, did you like the show? I was like, we missed it. He was like, oh shit! He went up and got everybody off the bus and made them come out and take a picture.

Just think, if he wouldn't have talked to you, he might still be with us right now. Some people say this was the thing that put him over the edge.

How do you feel like this went tonight? Did you have fun up here tonight? I had a good time. I'm glad. I'm looking forward to doing better next time.

You're super poised and comfortable. You said nine months, right? Yes, sir. Did you do it in Salem, North Carolina. before you came here?

I tried. You show up and they're like, hey, do you know, Tony? Sorry, this is full.

Not you, Tony. That's a weird name to use.

You could have said any name. Do you know Tony in Red Band?

This is a little joke book. Welcome to stand-up comedy here at the Mothership. Welcome to the Kill Tony world. A minute from Brendan Mahaney to start the bucket-pull portion of the show. Thank you for your service.

Mahaney, to start the bucket-pull portion of the show. We go straight to our second bucket-pull. Just like that. You see how it works. Make some noise for your next comedian.

Robert May, everybody. Robert May. There he is.

How we doing, everybody? Got some exciting news to share. I'm happy to announce. I am no longer taking the anti-depression medication that the doctor was prescribing to my mom.

So that's good. She really needs it. right now. I'm going to be fine. Instead, I've been recently taking the stuff from her oncologist.

It's way stronger. Feel that shit in your lymph nodes. You ever boof thyroid meds? We used to call them lymph biscuits.

Couple of Fred heads in here.

My mom's cool, though. She used to buy me some of her Adderall when I was in between scripts or whatever, because she knows I need it. Not proud to say that at my age, but I've been taking it every day for nearly two decades. It is what it is. My mom, on the other hand, is 69 years old and retired.

What the fuck do you need Adderall for, Mom? You going to do laundry harder? Because your plants aren't growing any faster. One time I came home, this woman was folding the dishes.

That's my time. Good set. Solid. Robert May. Welcome.

Have you been on the show before? Negative. First time. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

On and off? about a year and a half, two years, maybe. Okay, about two years. Guys, what do you think about Robert May? I like that.

I wasn't asking you guys. I was asking the esteemed panel here. Adam Ray and Tom Green. Some nice writing there. Good writing.

I like that. Very well done. I know your mom, too, by the way. She gave him crabs. That's why she's on antidepressants.

You said on and off stand-up. What was causing the breaks? I worked at a comedy club that opened up down the street two years ago. Kind of got into it. Fucking, bombed right off the bat.

Took some time. Got back into it. More intentional now. Wrote the folding dishes joke and was like, I'm ready. That was it.

I was like, I got one minute. You said you take Adderall yourself? I do, yeah. Does it help? It does.

I think so, yeah. With what?

Just about everything. You don't happen to have any on you right now, do you? They emptied our pockets. Just asking for Tony.

What do you do for work? now? I'm in sales. I sell lasers for manufacturing. Lasers?

No, you don't. What do you really do? Fucking Luke Skywalker and shit.

Lasers. What the fuck? That's some bullshit. The bottom of your can might have a laser mark on it. Can you sell us a laser right now?

Can you show us how you would sell us a laser? I don't know. I might need to buy something. What should I get? Oh, hey, what do you do?

I sell lasers, Tony. Well, why would I need a laser for? All sorts of things. What kind are you looking for? Something that shoots like a laser.

Perfect. I got a deal. Two for 20..

What the fuck is going on? It's 20 grand. This feels like a video that that fucking fish guy would look up on PornHub.

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck.

. What do you mean, lasers? You mean like Pink Floyd, laser light, shell? Lasers? No, no, like for marking any kind of product.

Like on cans, you see a lot of them. Like your expiration date on water bottles. I still don't understand. You mean, when you buy something at the checkout at the store. Like a barcode.

The barcode laser reader. Etching. Like this.

You guys typically aren't my clientele. I don't think anyone likes your fucking attitude right now.

No, that's fine. What do you do for fun, Robert? What else do you do when you're not doing stand-up? The lovely Heidi, everybody. Oh, thank you.

I would say golf is one of my favorite hobbies. I just got back from Hawaii. yesterday. Five days, played one course. I don't know why I said couple.

One course out there. I love to golf. I love graphic design. Also, it's a passion of mine. Oh, my goodness, gracious.

Red Band's heart is a rock again.

Interesting. What's your love life like? By the looks of your hair, you fucked right before your set. It's going well. I got a girlfriend of two years.

We were in Hawaii together. She thought I was going to propose the whole time. Oh, no. We did take a helicopter to the top of a waterfall. Oh, my God.

It was planned a while ago. The whole time you're like, what a great place to get proposed. That's what everyone said. Everyone's like, oh, you're here for your honeymoon or special occasion? I'm like, shut the fuck up, man.

Wow. Did you acknowledge it at all? No, we did. We're very open about it. She knows it's going to happen sometime soon.

It's going to happen sometime soon, but not on top of a helicopter waterfall in Hawaii. When do you think you're going to do it? Are you just setting her up for complete disappointment, Adam? What do you think? What do you think she's more bummed about?

The fact that she didn't get proposed in Hawaii on a helicopter or the fact that you sell fucking lasers?

and can't describe it properly? You've got to make pretty good money doing this, right? That's how we got there.

Break this down for me. The first day. you're selling lasers. at that time, right? No, actually I was working at the comedy club down the street.

Then she was like, you need something more stable, babe. She does better than I do. What does she do? She's an HR business partner for a microchip manufacturer here in Austin.

She's used to working with things that are micro?

I'd say so.

Now that you haven't done it on a waterfall in Hawaii, when do you think you will? What do you have planned? What do you have up your sleeve? That's a great question. We were thinking about that, or I was thinking about that the entire time.

She was thinking about it too. How big do you want to go? Just put some flowers out. Some girls don't want a big hoopla. She'll almost be thrown off if you do that.

She mentioned she wanted it on a jumbotron. Are you fucking serious? Dude, run for your life, bro. Oh my god. You should have fucking pushed off that helicopter.

Oh yeah.

Disgusting. I said maybe an open mic. Okay.

So just kind of looking up and it'll be you, and then you'll just go.

I really can't think of how that would work, honestly. Wow. I mean, you could have Red Band send a cameo or something. That is true. That would be good.

What's something crazy? we'd be surprised to know about you your entire life, your history? Ever do anything nuts? Accomplish anything weird? Special skills or talents?

Anything about you at all? Those are a couple different questions, I feel like. You can answer any of them.

I think that I like graphic design. I mentioned that. I've done it freelance since college. For 15 years. How about not graphic design?

How about something a little more exciting? You ever save somebody's life? You ever almost die? You ever do anything exciting? Something not in front of a computer screen.

Yeah. I just joined an adult men's baseball league. It's for 30-up-year-olds. Whoa. Whoa.

I think we found out what jumbotron someone's getting proposed on. Oh, my goodness. What position do you play in this league? Shortstop and pitcher. Wow.

What type of heat are we throwing? What do you got? Low 80s, upper 70s, low 80s. Wow, that's pretty good. Can you put the mic in the mic stand and show us your pitching?

Would love to. Let's do windup. I'll give you the baseball announcer. What was your first and last name? again?

Robert May. Robert May on the hill. Two balls, one strike. He's a veteran, a veteran, Red Band, who's never swung a bat in his life, but he has taken many swings on the internet. Red Band has a turkey leg for a baseball bat.

May's waving off a lot of signs. He also throws lasers. We'll see if he's thinking about it, proposing. Here comes the ball.

There you go. Red Band hits it. Here he goes, Robert. May, everybody. Congratulations, Robert.

There's the big joke book. Here he goes on to the next one. Oh, You know what. we have a special treat for you guys. you guys like special treats.

Ladies and gentlemen, You know, every once in a while on this show and it's crazy, lately, we have found out that we have some amazing fans in different parts of the music universe and Here to perform for you. ladies and gentlemen, right now, at this very moment, One of I mean, this is an artist that has been around our lives for as far back, as I can remember, Here to perform on kill Tony, make some noise for the insane clown posse's very own violent J everybody. oh, My goodness. Oh shit.

Oh Hell, yes.

No, I'm a 51 year old man. Love sex, never had butt sex with a man, unfortunately, or with a woman.

I've always been told my dick was too big and I thought well, that's too shit, but I want to have butt sex, too. I always been told my dick was too big, but I'm gonna tell you this nowadays. I Watched Pornhub all day, and that's a lie. That's a fucking lie. My dick is not too big for nothing.

My dick is like somewhere between small and medium.

And it's crushed down like a fire hydrant. It's like Barney, Fred and Barney, you know, it's like that if my dick was, if my dick was a man, it'd be Barney.

But, uh, people, you know, I want to announce me my girlfriend the other night, just the other night. for real, no bullshit, We got to tip in.

That's a big move for me. it boosted me with mad karma. people always ask me about the face paint case. you don't notice. I got clown paint on and People always say is that fuck up your face.

That should fuck up your face. Shit, you motherfuckers wish you could see how immaculate my face is without the paint. This shit is like wearing. I started wearing it at 19, Damn. near.

every day of my life. This shit is like olive oil a.

Skin cream. It's like wearing a fucking mud mask.

I'm beautiful Without it, like no, for real. I got the body with everything about. my body is 51, but my face is 19 years old. I'm dead, serious, Immaculate, and I don't wear my hair like this When I don't had a pain on. my shit is print press, plucked and fucking curled, Rick flair.

For real, my shit is gorgeous. You know, I'm pretty like Prince. Can't say Prince wasn't pretty. Prince was fucking damn near hot. I'll so sad when Prince died.

cuz, I always knew if I had to fuck a man like of my life, dependent on it, It'd be Prince or 1983. Michael Jackson, With the caramel fucking skin and the gorgeous ass fucking Jerry curl over that sexy eyebrow. quit frontin. He was perfect.

But now. But now, because we're both gone. if I had a fucking man, It'd be Keanu Reeves. No, no, not cuz. I think he's hot.

It just seems like he's so cool and a big-hearted guy. He would be real gentle with you and help you through it. You know saying he'll be patient with you. You might even spoon afterward, you know saying. And so that's why he's my choice.

Fuck. Yeah, violent. J. Three minutes and 30 seconds rock solid the whole way through. you ever do stand-up before?

Have you done stand-up comedy before? fuck? No, Listen, taste something. I'm shaking. I'm nervous.

I'm gonna tell you why. perfect for real. No, comedians to me. I Always looked at comedians like. I could never do that.

Two things. I know I can never do be a comedian or stripper For real, because both take crazy amounts of courage, you know, and confidence. mad, fucking confidence. You know, everybody's expecting you to make you to make them laugh. You know I'm saying, and that shit is scary.

You sound like you have a lot of confidence though The way you talk about your cock.

I Tell ya. But a cock confidence. Yeah, a solid set for a, for I mean a rock solid set for a first time. I love this self-deprecation. You made it look like you were bragging about having a big Small to medium with it.

got big laughs, making fun of yourself. I can't wait for Keanu Reeves to see this. Yeah, Here's my impression of Keanu Reeves and Riley Fulkin. Whoa.

Now.

You brought up the butt-sexing right out of the gate. is that? how did you decide that for right to be the opening joke? It's true. Yeah, you know I'm saying yeah, and uh, you know, I didn't realize I was actually gonna do a set.

You know, I'm saying and we talked about. I was gonna talk about when I'm, when I'm with the skank fest. Yeah, but then I was like fuck that. I'll try to think of some funny shit. You know what I mean?

That was, that was shit. It was a great experience.

You did good.

You did good. Okay, kill Tony all day. I'm proud to be here. Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's a great fuck.

I mean an example to be able to come up here, because sometimes people come up and they're either not prepared or they just fucking Bail on themselves, but even though you didn't have a full game plan, you fucking went for it. Yeah. Yeah, big deal, I'm, gorilla. I got to do the Legion of skanks podcast at skank fest with violent J and Roseanne bar, and it was one of the most fun, Wildest shows I've ever done in my entire life. the best Mary fuck kill.

I've ever really was. it was, No, I've done stand-up at the juggalo fest once too. That was a good gig. Oh, yeah, they're very similar. Yeah, what's up, fam?

My girlfriend?

My girlfriend. My girlfriend had told me like three weeks before that event, I had a dream you're gonna be on stage with Roseanne bar and I was like, what the fuck it was funny. I'm making fun of her and in three weeks later. We fly out there. No sleep, No sleep.

We played Seattle the night before, had the flight was like 4 in the morning, you know, we just We know. all I did was add a bag of mushroom. Some kids slapped in my hand and on the way out of the show and I was such in a bad mood I was like, why did I agree to come to this? I don't even know what it is. I have no idea what I'm walking into, you know, I ate those mushrooms, jumped in a car like let's go, you know?

Oh, yeah, can you imagine me the driver with you on mushrooms?

Take me to the fucking Roseanne bars house.

No, I had no idea. Roseanne, I had no idea, nothing right. I didn't know nothing. I thought I'm not gonna lie. I did.

I did. um, Fuck who's podcast? and he's the one invited me. Yeah, it's Jay Gomez. Yeah, I didn't know.

I thought I was gonna be a podcast. Yeah, I didn't know it's gonna be in front of a crowd. right, and it was. it was in front of a car, and one of The things that I remember very clearly big, giant, huge crowd. We're podcasting.

He is truly on a Unbelievable amount of mushrooms, you know, It's kind of like a podcast thing when people don't have much to talk about. Sometimes people will do mushrooms and it'll be a running joke, like eyes on mushrooms. Ha ha, He's imagining this so that he was on fucking a shit-ton. legit mushrooms. all the signs are like.

sometimes he would just fade out and like, come back from a daydream like He was deep and mushroom. No, about two hours in. Let me just tell this real quick, about two hours in Lewis, Jay Gomez is like, you know, I'm just so happy to be able to have this festival. have people like Tony Roseanne violent Jay, I mean look, dr. Drew sitting in the third row.

This is like two hours into the podcast and violent Jay goes, holy, fucking shit. That is dr. Drew.

To be sitting in the fucking crowd like it ain't a fucking pink and green flashing elephant.

And it was so blatantly, dr. Drew, like sitting right there. just Couldn't be anybody else. man, that fucking thing was so much fun. I was, I was standing in the crowd watching right and I forgot I was even a part of it.

Yeah, I'm not lying. The mushrooms were all kicking in at this point. Oh, yeah, and when we got there, we finally start walking. It was getting more and more crowded. You could start smelling weed everywhere and you're in a beautiful fucking venue.

Yeah, you know what I mean? Everybody's drinking. It's like 1 p.m. And then we turn the corner. There's a boxing ring with two chicks and thongs fighting And, like a thousand people watching right there.

I'm like, whoa, this is dope. Oh, yeah, I like that story better than the fucking Prince in the ass one.

Hell yeah, I mean they were both good though. Yeah, if something ever happens to me, you got to do my audio book. fuck Yeah, like the autobiography.

Play Wolverine at Universal Studios Hollywood.

It is incredible, violent. J you, you are a very, very amazing performer. The juggalo gathering is happening again. Well, yeah, they Gathering calm the festival.

Where does that take place? Oh shit. Is it always somewhere different? Yeah, I know you guys do it every year mushrooms. the gathering.

I went to the one in Cave and Rock, Illinois, It wasn't.

Ohio. no, it's in Ohio. It's a star-studded event. Tila tequila was there, Ron Jeremy, it was just method man was there. method man was.

I never liked Ron Jeremy. How come, I'd never even put that. I'm gonna make this quick, real quick thing. I always didn't like him. every time I went to LA, Ron Jeremy and his stank ass breath anywhere, Anywhere, and I just was like back off me, man.

I told him that I didn't never like that fool. Yeah, I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. Oh, oh, by the way, you're right. No, no, no, you're right. He did play.

he did come to the gathering in the next year. during the gathering We were hearing complaints and we kicked him the fuck out. Oh, wow, Straight up. He never even performed. Look at, Gallagher was there.

He's like he didn't get stomped. We're from. you know, we're old-school gangsters. Oh, yeah, bro, How many people we knew. we didn't have any money, you know, it's not like you could sue us.

Right. Yeah, exactly How many people do you think have, like, refused a meet-and-greet with Ron Jeremy? cuz, they're like dude. I hear his breath smells like fucking diarrhea. Yeah, I think anybody that wants to meet Ron Jeremy's gonna go along for the ride.

I Don't think the breath is a deal-breaker on that, But yeah, if you get close enough, I guess, you know, yeah, Violent J, an unbelievable perform. Thank you so much for coming out so cool. Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening so much fun. juggalo gathering.com Brought us an amazing bottle of champagne.

What's that champagne called violent J? Oh, he's gone. All right, All right, made it pull the what pulled another name out of the bucket. make some noise for Scott pot. everybody here's Scott pot.

This is awkward. they took my smoke bombs. I thought this was gonna be like a Kill Tony. where we try to kill Tony turns out, we just talk him into suicide.

I did some more research, though.

Turns out he's gay. So my plan is to seduce him and then fuck him to death.

My only concern is my dick isn't big enough. Might be a little bit too loose down there, Tony.

My backup plan. Choke him to death with it. They call me the nine-inch nailer at work. It's only eight and a half, but close enough, Fuck, I'm in it. It's really long.

Another one I'm from. I'm from pot land. Oh again. Can't say the hard are.

There we go.

Good was bad. Yeah, like you have like a like, a reddit handle and a troll account online, I'm getting a real troll vibe here because you thought you were gonna come in and just fucking kill the host. I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna take over, joke about fucking him to get death and his loose asshole and just dead. Fucking silence. I can hear violent J breathing on his way up the stairs.

I Mean absolutely fucking, god-awful, terrible. I can't imagine it going any worse, but you came in with an unbelievable amount of almost confidence. But not really, but you just thought you were gonna do something special here. How did you think that was going to go? Scott pot a Little better than that.

Yeah, I bet you fucking fuck.

How are you, Scott, Time to start answering questions. Let me guess you didn't like it there very much. How old are you, Scott? I'm 27.. What do you do for work, Scott pot?

I am a carpenter. I do construction. Oh, Good job. water damage, restoration. It's.

it's well, it looks like God is fucking you to death, huh? He was also a carpenter. He died at 28.. So, fingers crossed, I think he died at 28,, maybe 26.. I don't know.

33 clubs, Scott. what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. You've never done stand-up before nothing to talk about there. I smoke weed, play frisbee, golf.

I fish, hike. What sounds about, right? Yeah, Yeah, tell us more. what else dude, come on here you are. I've smoked weed with this guy in Portland.

Yeah, nice, yeah, how's that pop? sounds like. I must've been a lot of fun. we, Yeah, but we ran into you. we together ran into you on the street today.

Actually, you were walking down the street. Oh, my god.

By the way, I had no idea those jokes were in your brain, so

They literally told me this story about a crazy guy that they ran into While going to lunch today, and somehow, out of 200 fucking people, you got pulled out of this bucket. just to let you know We had a laugh about you earlier, Scott. You made an impression. So, Scott, so we were talking about you before the show. Scott has.

I've seen him at a few of my Portland shows very pleasant smoke, some pot, and then I am outside with Tom and I get Lunch and Scott's like I just flew here. I'm signing up to get pulled into the bucket. I was like dude, best of luck. and then, two minutes later, Scott runs in front of Tom and I goes. I swear to God.

I'm not stalking you guys, but what's up?

Never say that I said, I'm not stalking you. I'm going to the pot shop. Yeah.

Completely different Texas pot shop. Scott, I didn't know you didn't stand up. I said it quite loudly too. I don't think you're supposed to do that in Texas. Yeah, so you see the first I'm doing stand-up.

Yeah, Wow, All right now, what do we do? obviously, were you planning on doing this? Was this something that you were gonna do before you came across them earlier on the streets? Or did you see them and you're like, maybe this is a sign I should sign up? No, I flew in just to sign up.

you flew in here to do that, set Something like that. Yeah, did you prepare anything else? You just thought we're gonna come on and the beloved host of the show, you were gonna Jokes about fucking to death, and then crowd was going to go wild at you a complete stranger with no confidence or Swagger, taking shots at the person who they love, week after week, two hours at a pop, giving them unbelievable free content from the future and the present. Finding talent time after time, week after week, taking his own energy to book the best possible guests At the right times, at the right places, with certain things spaced out in a timely fashion, Leading up to sold-out arenas all across America.

Clearly you didn't think it through.

Little, too much pot, Scott. Yeah.

Still takes a lot of courage, though, to Try anyway to fly down and try and do that. It takes a lot of courage to do what you did up here, buddy. Yeah, liquid courage. still you're still on the show. That's pretty impressive.

Did you have jokes that weren't directed towards, like Tony and his ass and suicide? Yeah, like Joe, like jokes like cuz. that was weird. Yeah, I Ran some stuff by my friend and he told me to do the stuff, Told you to do that. Where did you meet this friend?

elementary school, Wow, and he watches the show every week, not every week, but he's a fan. What grade is he in? Yeah, he's still in elementary school.

Right there.

Sorry, was too perfect. waiting and winning, and well.

Wow, great is in a fourth grade. make fun of his asshole, Scott. I've never seen the show. My mom restricts my youtube, but do it.

Oh, My goodness, Scott, Scott, Scott, You know Bones, I earlier who makes all these joke books. He makes so much great shit, the keychains, all this stuff, you know All the little joke books that say like it's funny stuff, on the back. They have a crock, you know WTF with dead eyes and go home on the back of the little joke books. and earlier in the green room He said, you know, I have this one. I don't know if you want to do anything with it, but it's, it's a joke book.

in case you come across a hairy situation, It's a joke book made out of hair.

And guess what, my friend, this is the hairy situation we were looking for. Scott pot get the fuck out of here. All right, man. There he goes.

There he goes. a hairy situation indeed. Follow bones. I on social media. bones with a Z.

I, all one word.

You know, we need to cleanse our palate. after Scott pot, It was just up here, so why not bring up one of our most esteemed regulars of all time? ladies and gentlemen, This is a brand new minute from a force of nature that we call cam Patterson everybody.

You ever pre-came on yourself, sir, you're pre ejaculate on yourself.

I Did a lot when I was 17,. uh, it was weird, cause my dad be like a pops. I keep coming on myself. What do I do? He was like nigga.

That's gay.

That's gay as hell. and I was like, how would that gaze like you got nut on your skin? that's gay, That's gay here, and I've been. I was weird, cuz I was fucking the same girl right right in here. I got.

yeah, I Fucking the same girl. I lost my virginity to it. I always. I just kept nutting on myself and I think my dick was just like she too. She too much for us.

now You can't do it, no more, too much for us, and I just kept. I just kept coming on myself. I'm in the last time. I'll fuck with him. I had my dick out and I was ready to.

I was ready to fuck. I was ready to go and I Felt myself, finna come.

And I asked her to suck my dick. I went here with a sneak attack you first hand, Like, just suck it real quick. and she was like you don't need me to do that, and then I nut it.

And it was weird, cuz she threw me a rag and she like clean yourself off, you whore, and I was.

I feel like a real dirty slut. just then I was crazy. I Didn't. that's all I got right now, but I will read y'all. one of my thoughts.

I wrote down earlier today. I wrote it down on my phone, This I saw a lady with a scarf and I just went bitch your neck, ain't that cold?

A little poetry from the great Cam Patterson.

He's done it again. ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show cam. that was something I'll tell you that much. it was hard. I'll tell you stuff for sure.

following Scott pot. That was an unbelievable performance. Yeah, I think it was horrible. That thing was terrible. You were, God, awful, dawg.

Yeah, he was all kinds of bad. You came out with a blind stick and sunglasses. What made you do that? I just seen his dick and we're like, I'm gonna take it. Okay.

All right.

He not gonna see me do it.

Realize, when I turn around, you might want to give it back to him. He don't really need it.

I Just got to watch D Madness realize what was happening at the beginning.

I'd be okay. Okay, I love it, cam, what else is going on in the world? shit. now, just run around on the road. Yes, and hanging out.

I love it. Where'd you see a lady with a scarf earlier? It's a warm day today. Oh, we're not today. It was and we was in.

uh, like Portland or some shit. Yeah, and I seen lady with a scarf, me. I bitch. Yeah, nothing that couldn't have been that cool, right? I hate scars, cause the fucking stupid they are, They are pretty dumb.

Yeah, like you get it, get a turtleneck or something.

That's the dumbest shit, bro, I love a good turtleneck.

How many thoughts like that do you have written down, like I would have listened to at least 20 more of those with some?

Scarf material around. it looks good. talking about scar. Yeah, we need more. that we need more.

Yeah, but you have other things written down, like I saw this bitch, a panda express, getting double-chicken bitch. You don't need that. You're a fat bitch. You don't fucking double-ticket bitch. You have the kind of cadence where you can pretty much say anything, and it's funny.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that could be your. you might be a redneck like bitch. You don't need that.

That could be hard. oh my god, he's like a new, like weight-loss coach. Yeah, I saw an old lady at the grocery store buying tampons. I'm like bitch. You don't need.

Yeah, I Saw an old nigga buying condoms. Bitch, you don't nut no more, nigga. Yeah, you don't nut. No. Well, I can't say That's a good catchphrase, too.

You don't nut no more. Yeah, nigga. Yeah, I like that. That's my favorite. Yeah, yeah, it's a good word.

man. Y'all can't use it, but fuck y'all. You know him. Yeah, You don't nut no more, my friend.

Buddy, old pal, and I wish you well.

I love it cam. We just did a What Cleveland? Hell, yeah, we had fun, ate pizza and ice cream at my mom's place. your dad was there. We roasted your dad's feet.

all weekend We're feeding the game man cams. dad likes to wear sandals and he has what would. how would you describe your father's feet? It's a toes.

Yeah,

yeah, slave toes, if I had to put it in perspective, yeah, aren't they playing Coachella this year?

My dad got some funky ass toes. he puts on socks. I'm like bitch. you don't need those.

Wow, why? how did he develop such bad? Oh, no, but I got him too. I got bad. I got him down.

He gave him to me. He got like my real talons. That's What I talked to. his mom was on speakerphone before one of the shows. I said, hi, we're good friends.

They they're on the road, sometimes with us hanging out, selling rocks and whatnot.

Actual rocks, literal rocks, his merchandise businesses. I actually am rocking the new cam Patterson.

In the homage of almost a no-limit soldier style shirt. Where's that at? cam Patterson? calm? Yes, sir.

Okay, cam Patterson. You can buy those the blind, the walking sticks, too. I'm also selling these walking stick.

Scarves on there, you can get every one of them. Yeah, That'd be a good seller. I'd be a good business. No, no scarves. Yeah, would you buy a scarf?

I never know, sir. Yeah, would you buy it? Would you buy a scarf that he nutted on sir?

It's funnier the way you say.

Had you been to Pittsburgh and Cleveland before you go to all these new cities, that's my first time. Hey, that's a fun. What'd you think fun? Hey, that's cool. It's clean.

Whoa, Pittsburgh was good. The theater we was at was from 1898. That's crazy, though. And it was me and Jolly back-to-back. So I know the ghost in that motherfucker were mad as hell.

Who let these niggas in.

All right, You're a fucking superstar. anything else you want to say before you get out of here. Oh, Shit, I'm having. this is the best time. I'm having a good time, man.

Hell. Yeah.

We're loving it. cold-blooded assassin, cam Patterson. ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Killing it on the road. I mean literally getting blatantly better every week and he just laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. It's crazy.

Got to see him live. to understand All right, pull it another name out of the bucket. anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Brian Lumbra, everybody back to the bucket with Brian Lumbra, here we go.

I got scanned on Instagram recently. This guy from Gambia messaged me. him and his siblings were starving.

Him and his siblings were starving.

Great, fantastic. Here we go. Of course, I was gonna fucking blank out with the fucking thing. I've been fucking staring at the notes outside. Okay.

No, look, so he's This guy from Gambia fucking messaged me. He keeps fucking messaging me. He calls me all the fucking time. I sent him money once. I sent him money twice.

There's always an emergency. My phone is 9-1-1 for Gambia, it's fucking driving me crazy. I'm jerking off Gambia's Colin.

I'm jerking off again. Gambia's Colin. I'm jerking off again. I'm just like fuck.

Two weeks ago, I spent $150 on malaria pills.

And I was like, that's it. this has got to stop and he I.

I Said that's it. This has got to stop.

Yes, it does got to stop right there, Brian Alhambra. Wow, All right, shut up, hold on, bring back Scott.

Fuck, dude, we've all been there. Gambia, okay. You're really stuck on the Gambia thing. Is anything that you were trying to talk about? real or trill?

It's all true. Really, it gets it gets, it gets a crazier, too. Yeah. Okay, what happened? Why don't you just tell us in real life like in real like, we're just humans talking.

So I heard you've been getting scammed lately. What's going on? Well, I don't.

I'm kind of it going back and forth whether it's a scam or not, But it's always an emergency right, and I just keep giving this guy money. Is that really happening? Oh, it is, and and it is giving somebody money. Well, it's like I FaceTime him. He's real, No shit.

So yeah, robots are scary like this, like he's just this dude in Africa and he has like he lives in the shack. Should we have no food? No?

You just let some lady in the audience suggest a segment of the show, Adam.

You bought these malaria pills, bitch. you don't need those.

You've been FaceTiming with a man in Gambia, West Africa. I mean that there's not that much FaceTiming. But I needed to see he was real. cuz I keep giving him money, cuz like his story's good. This is why telemarketing works Right here, how much money have you given him today?

I said another 150 because he sent me a death certificate. Are you fucking stupid? Yeah, what do you do for work? It's possible. He might I quit my job.

I'm doing I guess I'm doing Unemployed sending money to Gambia. Yeah, I gotta stop doing that. Yeah, dude, are you?

Not really. What's going on. fucking Gambia, dude, okay, other than Gambia out of the equation. here you, you, have a head trauma of some kind. I Was actually dropped in my head as a child.

There we go. There we go. We're getting, we're getting closer. Where are you from El Paso? What did you use?

There you go. There's the answer. There it is. That answers everything. El Paso.

Not a real place at all. You're literally the first person white person I've ever met from El Paso. Congratulations, you win a hairy joke book. You said you drove uber or you drive. currently?

I've done seven rides, So, I mean, I guess.

No, I feel like you know, you just really work hard enough. it'll, it'll, it'll kick off one day. Yeah, we're drivers are known for being sometimes overly chatty. Have you brought up the Gambia story to your passengers? Yes, here not.

yet, I'm going to, though. Do you do uber like you? do stand-up? No GPS whatsoever, and you just go. man.

What was the route? I was gonna take? again. I get lost a lot. Yeah, that does happen.

actually, Have you done stand-up before? To have been doing for two weeks now, two weeks. So how many times have you been on stage in two weeks, three, and how does that go for you? Do you tell the Gambia story? This is the first time.

Yeah, that you've told the Gambia story. Yeah, what do you do the other sets? What have you talked about the other times that you've done stand-up, squirting? What?

Squirting? yeah. Okay. Sure. What's that stupid-ass joke?

Let's hear that. We gotta hear this. What the fuck from Gambia to squirting? your memoir title for sure?

I'd read that

Yeah, what's the squirting joke, please? basically like I've made this girl squirt and I thought I was special. I like I read some stuff and then we changed the sheets and like there was more stains than the one I just made, And I was like, I'm not that fucking special. This is kind of fucked up. And I looked at squirting differently.

Yeah, was it good? you don't need that, yeah.

Okay, you got to start with a premise that people would believe yeah.

Yeah, I Funny, but also, yeah, I mean Brian lumber. you have any special skills or talents, anything at all. Played a cart guitar a little bit. But yeah. Yeah, I don't that.

All right. Here's a little joke book right here, buddy. There you go, Brian lumber. everybody, absolutely terrible People watching the show. prepare for it.

My god Memorize, it's a fucking minute. There are hundreds of people that, some of them have talent, that want to get on this show, please, for the love of God, prepare. Dude, in ten years, we're gonna see a special live from Gambia, from yeah, And we're all gonna watch it. It's gonna be 90 minutes of. so I made all these girls square last week.

I'm sure he inspired a lot of your viewers out there, though, cuz it, you know, makes them believe that it is possible to Get on the show. Yeah. Yeah. No, it is true. Tonight is proof that anybody can sign up and get pulled out of the bucket anybody.

Let's see what happens next 60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket pulled Jordan Brady, everybody. Jordan Brady is next. We're moving through it tonight.

Howdy, how's it going, guys? How's it going? Yeah, I saw a guy outside earlier, look just like the singer of Green Day. I Was like, hey, Billy Joe. What's up, man?

He was like what I was like Billy Green Day, big fan. No, no, I mean I was like, hey, you sure man, you look just like him. and he was like no, dude, I'm sorry, I was like dude, you're wearing a Green Day t-shirt And he goes look man. I'm a level with you. I'm homeless.

I found the shirt in the dumpster. I don't even know this man, I'm just trying to stay warm. All right, I said my mistake, man. I started walking off and he was like wait, one more thing. I said, what's that?

and he pointed a cup towards me and he said do you have a dime? I Said, Billy Joe, It was him. At least I think it was him. He did smell like Dookie.

I Used to think that homeless people were just folks on strike against bathing with their signs and whatnot.

Isn't tea? just coffee on this period With that string and whatnot. All right, that's my time, guys. I'm Jordan Brady. Thank you very much, Jordan Brady.

With a good dismount, that's my time. I'm Jordan Brady. Thank you very much. Thank you. That was a good, a good thing.

you have a Blue purple lips or something. What is going on there? Is that natural? Uh, I don't know. I want to get that checked.

I'm Cajun. Sorry. I don't know. Are you? you've never been told or noticed that you have slightly darker lips?

The drinks might have been blue and shade over there at specials might have been blue at poor choices. I don't know. What did you have? What did you drink? Uh, I don't know.

You don't know what. you don't know what you drank. There's a six dollar thing shot with a lone. Let me ask you this real quick before anyone else interrupts Was it blue?

It might have been one of when you say it might have been. does that mean you don't remember the drink? well, I, I don't have 2020, but I the whatever the vodka was was cheap, So it could have been blue. maybe not, but do if I have blue lips, I'm very confused about it as well You might be having a stroke, right?

In that case, Jordan, you look like the seventh Brady Bunch kid that they sent to boarding school. That's what's up. That's what's up. My last name is Brady. Yeah, fuck.

Yeah, dude, real real name. Yeah, real stage name. Yeah, no stage name. How long you been doing stand-up? About ten years.

Oh, My god, I know, I know, Wow.

You're halfway there.

Wow, Wow, Jordan Brady. any relation to Tom Brady? he also played downs.

No, but I did have an uncle who played in for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but by marriage. so right, okay, What do you do for work? I am a musician. What kind of musician are you exactly? I mainly play drums and, like a heavy melodic rock band, Play the drums.

You've been doing stand-up for 10 years. doing stand-up. Yeah, 10 years. That was just a bad minute, but you play drums. Yeah, it's better than you do stand-up.

I think so. Well, you know what that means. everybody. We gotta do a Mexican drama. He could be the new drummer of the show if this goes good for him.

doing a drum solo. Come on, Let's move it. Michael. Here we go, Doing a drum solo. ladies and gentlemen, After a terrible Green Day joke and some other stuff Rocking blue lips.

This may be his last performance of any kind ever. ladies and gentlemen, This is a Mexican drama. for those of you that don't know, he's gonna do a drum solo coming in about 30 seconds or so, and If he, if he wins, he's the new drummer on this show full-time and Michael Gonzalez is out of a job. Michael Gonzalez. Yeah.

Oh, you don't know how Mexican drum offs work. Oh, yeah, This is a running thing in the show's history. a little fun fact all time, never before has anyone beat the resident drummer. Yes, so, but who knows, this guy could be a prodigy. the audience decides Okay, so it's fair.

and even an equal balance, ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, perhaps becoming the new drummer of Kiltony. ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo by Jordan Brady. everybody. Here we go.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah, oh, my god, oh no, oh no.

Oh, oh boy. We've been doing this show for a little over ten years. that may be, without a doubt, the best drum solo we've heard. Michael, we need you to summon the fucking gods right now. Holy shit, baby.

It's go time, Mike. You got a fucking hit. that shit, Michael. it's not about the length of time either. he fucking got to it, Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne undefeated all time.

This is Michael Gonzalez.

Oh.

Here's a story Lee shit. All right, let's get right into it. How many of you have Jordan Brady winning?

There you go, thank God Almighty. here's a big joke book, though, for your participation in the drum off. there he goes, Jordan Brady, everybody.

Okay, that was pretty impressive. let's keep it moving. that was some good.

Some good bass drum, double bass, whatever that's called. I don't know, but for real, what was going on with his bottom lip? Dude, they were both lips, by the way, the top lip to that was scraping something's up, talented. Oh fuck Something's up.

What it look like. I didn't look at it. I didn't order it.

Some special people in this fucking bucket, I'll tell you we're gonna find another one right now out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Aldo Caldo, everybody. Aldo Caldo, good name.

Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Aldo everybody.

The hardest thing about being a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas is you let your family down twice.

So I'm a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas. My album went aluminum. you, you can find it, You can find me on Craigslist, myspace, all that good stuff. The first song it's called end of the world.

Other than that, I talked to my daughters about the future and about remembering the future, since it's a election year, and we talked about What it's really gonna be like since we've had a black president and a white president, what it would be like if we have a Latino president. But what if we have a gay Latino president? Soy Presidente, Alejandro Ramos. He's so president in the USA. Not only have I read your books and seen the movies of your beautiful country, but I was in the musical to say to say What putas, I've never seen USA.

Oh my gato. It's about time that America takes it from behind.

Amita, China, you're talking shit. I don't know. we get a chance to put on the 15th and then we'll pay you All right, Korea, Russia. There it is a full minute 15 from Aldo Caldo. everybody, Aldo, welcome to the show.

Hola. Hola. How do you feel? I feel amazing. You really a musical comedian of that.

Yes, I am for the joke. What does that mean? You play like a guitar, normally guitar? I've jammed with deep madness. Yeah, I know some of these homies, um, I play with Chris Pettis right now, and okay, Louie, the singer country artist, So you sing and you play guitar?

I just sing, and I do like parodies of music. comedy We need. I do go, you know, go by comedian, and okay, That excites the Latino people. Well, you know, I was the bass player for a boy group band called menudo.