Armchair Anonymous: Greatest Fear
2024-02-23 00:45:56
Hi, I’m Dax Shepard, and I love talking to people. I am endlessly fascinated by the messiness of being human, and I find people who are vulnerable and honest about their struggles and shortcomings to be incredibly sexy. I invite you to join me as I explore other people’s stories. We will celebrate, above all, the challenges and setbacks that ultimately lead to growth and betterment. What qualifies me for such an endeavor? More than a decade of sobriety, a degree in Anthropology and four years of improv training. I will attempt to discover human “truths” without any laboratory work, clinical trials or data collection. I will be, in the great tradition of 16th-century scientists, an Armchair Expert.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Star Galactic, Battlestar Galaxy Champion, Monica Pappas. Wow! I think we got galaxy in there three or four times.
I wish.
I wish this episode was about, tell us about a time you were a starfighter.
Next month.
This is about people's greatest fears coming true, and I mean for you, you couldn't do this.
This was rough. These are so good.
Yeah, they really are.
They're all really great stories and we pick a clip to promote, to animate from Doodle Boy, and it was hard to pick.
Oh God, yeah.
Because these are all really great.
Yes. Sex story. Horrifying.
Every single one.
Every one of them is great. Fuck it. Don't listen. Please don't enjoy. Greatest Fears, Come True.
Hard times, come and go.
Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both.
Remember one thing, you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining.
Oh, these are going to be scary.
Hello?
Hi, can you guys hear me?
Beautifully. Is this Caitlyn?
Yes. So nice to meet you guys. This is so surreal. I've been an arm cherry since the very beginning. Oh, my goodness.
We're all celebrating six years together, then. Yes. Now, Caitlyn, so many options to spell Caitlyn. I have a couple Caitlyn friends, and yet we got another one.
Everyone always comments on the spelling. It's apparently the Irish spelling. I'm not Irish, but that's what they tell me. It's somewhat phonetic, right? It's Kate and Lynn, just put it together.
It totally works.
Yeah, I like it.
But I just haven't seen it and there's not so many names where you have that level of variability. You can kind of pick and choose.
Yeah. Can Dax be spelled any other way?
D-A-C-K-S, but I have never seen anyone make that mistake.
Or two Xs.
Ooh. Oh, there you go.
Why would they do that? D-A-X-X. They really want you to hit the. ...
I'm never really writing my name, but I just was writing something where I had to write Dax's, and even that felt weird, a Dax's apostrophe S off of an X. Wow. It just feels weird. Do I just put an apostrophe, like you do, with a name that ends in an S? Sorry to bother you with all this, Caitlin, but these are on my mind.
These are our greatest fears. Spearmint tea, Monica?
What? Yes.
Oh, look at her.
Look at Caitlin.
Let me guess, Monica. Smearmint tea?
Jury's out on it, though. I don't know yet if it's doing anything.
Okay, keep us posted.
I will. Are you also drinking a lot of spearmint tea, Caitlin?
I am not.
Your skin looks really nice. It doesn't seem like you need it.
Appreciate that.
She didn't want to say thank you.
Yeah, she's very humble.
It's the filter.
Okay, so one of your greatest fears came true. This is a very exciting prompt.
Yeah, because it could be anything.
It could be anything.
Yes. So this one might linger with you for a few days. Everyone I've shared this story with has texted me or called me several days after to say that they can't stop thinking about it.
Oh, that's my favorite kind of story. Like, poor thing's the movie. Can't stop thinking.
Will I be able to sleep?
Should Monica leave?
I think that you'll enjoy the ride, but I do think that maybe, lying in bed tonight, you might be thinking about it. Oh, okay.
Wow. Okay, okay. Please hit us.
All right, so it takes place initially in the comfort of my own home. Typical weekday, end of day, hanging out with my kids on the couch, just chit-chatting about our days, and I rest my head on the couch cushion. I just feel some movement in my ear.
Nope.
That was odd. Didn't feel it again.
Would you describe the movement like when you have water stuck in your ear?
No, more like a tickle. Tickle.
Oh, okay.
And so I rest my head back down, and then I feel it again. But not only did I feel it the second time, I could hear it. So it was double the sensation. Like, I jump off the couch, and I yell for my husband who's in the kitchen, and I'm like, get the otoscope! There's something in my ear!
Wait, hold on. Get the ornoscope? Is that what you said?
Otoscope. Like, the ear tool, to look inside.
Do you have that at your disposal?
Because kids.
Yes, we have two young kids, and then I am also a physician's assistant. So I'm in the medical field. Okay. Okay.
Oh, my God. I have to marry someone in the medical field.
You do. You'll keep them so busy, too. Oh.
God bless him. He's non-medical, right? So he's trying to navigate around this ear exam, and then he goes, oh, yes, hon, there's a bug in your ear. No, no, no.
Oh, a bug.
At this point, I freak out. Medical goes out the window. I'm just losing it. Yeah. So in our medical kit at home, I have a little syringe.
I'm like, I'm just going to flush this guy out of there. It'll be easy. I'll go to the bathroom, get some lukewarm water, and I just start flushing my ear. Nothing's happening. Okay.
I'm still feeling the movement. No creature has exited my body, and I'm losing it. So at this point, Monica, I did not call 911.. Oh, man. I know that would be your next suggestion.
Yeah. But I should mention at this point, I am an ENT PA. So I work in ENT.
This is like some karma.
Thank God I have those references at my disposal. So I text one of the physicians that I work with, and he's like, meet me at the clinic. Let's go. Let's get this thing out of you. I drive the 20 minutes to the clinic, and it's a miracle.
I got there, because I'm freaking out the whole time, basically driving head at 90 degrees. Like, I'm going to take a bite of a taco.
Can I ask, despite your in-depth knowledge of anatomy and physiology, is your fear that the thing's going to get into your brain, even though you know that's not possible? Is that what the freakout's about?
No, it's just that there's something in my body that I shouldn't feel.
All right. All right.
And it's like tickly, and oh, my God.
But it's the combination of feeling it and hearing it, because it's in your ear canal. So I call my good friend in root, who's also a PA, but she's a psych PA. So she's like, I am zero help in this situation unless you need a Xanax. And I'm like, yes, actually, please, and thank you. That would be really helpful right now.
Bring those two.
I get to the clinic, and the doc's waiting for me in an exam room. He's got it all set up. So again, we're an ENT. So we have ear microscopes, ear suction, tools, all that stuff. So I lay down, and he's just narrating the exam.
So he's looking at it. He's like, I'm just seeing a lot of wax, more wax. And then he pauses. And he abruptly jumps off the rolling stool. he's sitting on, backs into the corner, and goes, yo!
Oh, because now you're getting the non-professional friendship treatment. This would be the colleague treatment.
And that's what I said to him. I was like, you better be fucking with me or get your shit together and start treating me like a real patient.
It's not OK.
I love that response. If not obvious already, he's from the East Coast.
Wow.
So he says, yes, 100%, there is a bug in your ear. So here's our two options. Option A, we can turn off all the lights, hold a light source right at your ear canal, and hope it follows the light and crawls out on its own. Or two, we can put a bunch of lidocaine in your ear, anesthetize, like, sedate him, paralyze the bug, and then use some suction to hopefully get him out. He's like, the problem with that is it's going to give you real bad vertigo.
Oh, no.
I'm barely holding it together. I'm like, just get it out. I don't care. You choose. So he's like, let's try the lights first.
So he turns off all the lights. And we're just sitting in the dark, right? It's like 8.30 p.m. Nobody's in clinic. It's just us.
And after like two to three minutes, he's just like, this is a little awkward. I think we should move on. I'm like, okay. So then he dumps the lidocaine in my ear. My world starts spinning.
I just squeeze by his clothes, and I'm just like, oh, my God, please work. He's holding the suction tips as everything's coming out. And he's like, we got it. And he's like, holy shit, it was a spider. No.
And this is when my worst fear comes into play, because I have horrible arachnophobia. It could have been any other insect in the world, but of course it was a spider. Of course. And so I freak out. I mean, I'm grateful.
it's out. And he says to me, after I've chilled out a little bit, he's like, this is probably the best time to tell you, I've never actually done that before.
Well, of course not. How many times does that come across your desk?
But as an ENT, you would think.
If you had to make it relative to some object. we're all familiar with, what was the size of this spider?
So he said it was pretty tiny. Half centimeter. But what he says to me was, well, you know when there's one tiny spider.
No.
Who says that?
Why? I hate them.
Well, the same type of dude that goes, yo.
Right.
That's exactly it. Oh.
So he's implying that they've laid eggs in there.
He's just fucking with us.
But also, what if?
I think he means it, as there's probably a hundred others on your couch.
Oh.
So I get home and I walk through doors and I told my husband, I was like, it was a fucking spider. And he gives me the biggest bear hug and he's like, babe, I know. I could tell when I first looked, but I know you well enough that I could not share that information with you. Oh my God. Because your degree of freak out would have been exponentially higher.
Yeah, he had a higher level of professionalism than the doctor did.
And he just knows my worst fear, spiders, and to not tell me that. That's a good question.
For Monica to be a baby snake, a little tiny snake.
Stop. Why?
Don't. Why? Why?
My kiddos, they stayed up late, just worried about mama. So they came running up and they're asking if I'm okay. And then my four-year-old goes, mama, did it leave its web in you?
Oh, no. Its web.
Gross.
So, needless to say, physically, I'm totally fine. Mentally, I am not. I have not recovered any little tickle, any little twinge, my hair rubbing.
Did it occur to you to like sleep with cotton balls in your ear or anything?
Totally. They say you eat like seven spiders in a year or something.
They say that and we all know it. And then I'm like, what blind double study took place to document this? But yes, I do hear that.
Well, and that's what I would say. Like a spider doesn't crawl into your ear canal. No, that doesn't happen. It happens. And so now, once you've experienced it, you're now that person that's like, oh my God, that could totally happen.
Bite her mind off. Frequency, illusion. Frequency, illusion.
Liberal arts education.
Needless to say, I tore the couch apart. I vacuumed everything. It's in your head all the time. So I laid awake most of the night, just like, wow.
Wow.
And that was eight years ago. Do you still think about it? Did you say 16??
No, it was just a few months ago.
Oh, a few months ago.
Really new and fresh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where did I pull 16?.
That was the last call.
But I'm also grateful that didn't happen to my kid. What if it was in like the little two-year-old's ear? Like they would have to go to the OR to get that sucker out.
Yes. Don't? we think eventually it would have crawled out and be hungry?
Or just die and then stay in there? The doc said when he was looking at the wax, he was just staring at it. And it looked like there was a little hair just resting on the wax. But then the hair moved. And so that spooked him.
And that's why he pushed off so aggressively. And he said that this little spider was basically using my wax as a shield. And just like hiding behind it.
Oh my, I hate that guy.
What a rascal.
And then you can't just go at him with instruments or suction. Because they'll fight back or run away. So you can't have them burrowing into your ear canal. Or perforating your eardrum going the wrong direction.
Yeah, you attract more flies with honey than shit. Ew.
Oh, I do. Okay.
Yeah, you feeling it?
Yep.
It's one of those.
I already sometimes get really panicky about in the headphone. Because one time when nobody's listening right, Andy had a bug in his headphone. Oh.
That's like a bee in your beer bottle.
Sure. It's bad.
It's bad. Well, Kaylin, that was dynamite. I know Monica will definitely be thinking about that tonight. Forever. You know where my twisted brain goes?
It'd almost be worth having it to feel the relief of it leaving. Isn't that weird? Sure. I just feel like that moment where it's been pulled out would be so exhilarating.
When it was happening, I was still in the midst of vertigo too. That I was just like, what's up? What's down? Where are we? Is this out of me?
And then it was, oh, and FYI, it was a spider. And then that was just like, lost it.
Wowie wow.
Wow. Oh, well, this was great.
Yes. Thanks for sharing. Sorry, that happened to you.
Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. I love everything you guys do. I'm such a big, big fan and will continue to be as long as you guys share this with us.
Thank you. Great meeting you, Kaylin.
Thank you. Bye, guys.
Bye, bye.
Ready for Brittany?
Yes. Help! What if your greatest fear is coming true real time?
Hi, how are you guys?
Good. Are you, Brittany?
I am Brittany. Hello.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you guys. And I see that you're a brown noser and you have followed Monica's advice, letter of the law.
I even changed out my light bulb and everything.
Full remodel.
Yeah, I'm trying. I tried to hang up posters, but they all fell.
Where are you in the country?
So I am from a little town in Michigan, Milan, Michigan.
There's a drag strip there.
There is a drag strip there.
I have drag raced there many times in high school.
No way. I hated it growing up, but I love it now.
Good. You had a greatest fear come true.
I did. This would be April 2021.. I was freshly 23.. I had my own little one bedroom apartment. I was super proud of.
I've been there not even a year yet. I would say this night in particular, I was just super lazy and I was just lousy around on the couch. I didn't get up to close my blinds when it got dark out, like I usually do, which I don't know if that's a relevant detail. And that's why what happened happened. I'm not sure, but I'm going to put it in there anyway.
Don't victim. shame, just yet. Leave that to me.
Okay, perfect. So, I mean, granted, I'm on the top floor, but you can still see if you're far enough out. Anyway, so I'm laying there. I'm talking on the phone with my mom, and there's a loud thump outside in the hallway. That's not unusual.
But, of course, I have a big old black lab. He freaks out. When the dust settles, he is not leaving that door, and he is like growling. And he's not coming to me. He's not listening, but I'm on the phone.
He gets jealous when I'm on the phone. So I'm like, okay, let me just get off the phone. So I got off pretty quickly. I'm calling into me, and he's still not coming. He is dead nose on this door, growling, but I can't be bothered to get up.
So I start watching some TV, and this goes on for like five minutes, and then I can't take it anymore. I'm like, you got to stop. So I am like, all right, let me make this big show of getting up and going and looking at my people and showing him there's nothing there. We're fine. So I get up.
I go look in the people, and probably the scariest looking man I have ever seen is just standing at my door.
Oh, and that weird fish eye view of the person.
And he is so close. I want people to know. I'm pierced. I'm tatted. I'm not afraid of tattooed people.
However, I will say when you are a young woman living on your own, a man covered in really honestly shitty face tattoos and everything, that is not the guy you want to see standing outside your door.
He has declared that I am not pursuing a conventional employment path. Just minimally, we would agree. This person's like, yeah, I'm never going to need a real job.
That's really true.
I mean, literally covered. He's in a red hoodie, and he is really close to my door, but he's looking away, and he's looking towards my stairs. And so I can't tell if there's somebody else on the stairs, because I can't see that far. I run back to my phone, and I'm like trying to be quiet because I don't want him to know that. I know he's there because I've pieced together.
This is what my dog has been growling. He's been standing there for five minutes.
Oh, my God.
No, knock, nothing. So I call my mom back, and I'm like, Mom, there's a man outside my door. Do I call the police? And she's like, yeah, call the police right now. So I hang up with her, and it happens so quick, but it feels so slow in your mind.
But in the time that it takes me to dial 911 for it to ring and for them to answer, I go back up to my door. I look in the people. He is now facing my door, and he has his foot up. I'm trying to whisper my address again. I don't want him to know that.
I know he's there. But as I'm doing that, I see my door lurch forward a little bit. And there is one lock between me and this guy.
No deadbolt?
It's just a deadbolt. So it's not like a regular lock. It's just one deadbolt. But I'm panicked. I don't know.
Can you pick those? I'm not sure. I slam my body against the door. I have my hand on my lock, desperately trying to keep it closed. Me trying to whisper my address quickly becomes like a panicked yell.
Yeah. Good.
You want him to know. you're in there, calling the police for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah. After I get my address out, I look in the people, and he's gone. Oh. So I'm like, OK. And they send an officer out.
Luckily, I live two streets down from the police station, so they have an officer. within a minute. I open the door, and the cop, he's around my age. And the very first thing he says to me, I open the door, and he goes,
aw, you're crying?
And I'm just like, well, yeah. I tell him what happened. I give the description. Again, this is a very particular-looking man. He should not be hard to find if he's still around.
So he's like, OK. Me and a couple of other officers are going to go. look for him. You stay tight. I'll come back.
So while he's gone, I pack a bag, because I'm not staying here, especially if they don't find him. He comes back up. He says, sorry, we didn't find him, but we'll keep patrol through the night. I'm like, OK, but I'm not going to stay here, so can you walk me to my car? And he said, OK.
And how this setup works, like, you go outside, and you go on the sidewalk. Right in the middle of the parking lot, there's the visitor parking. And then to the right of that, there are the six assigned spots for the first six apartments, and they're, like, under this kind of roof thing. So you have the first six assigned spots, the visitor parking, and then to the left of the visitor parking is the last six spots. And I am the last apartment, so I have the very last spot.
And it's unlit back there. It's by a couple of dumpsters, this big old maintenance shed. It's a very sketchy-looking area that I didn't really think twice about before. We get to the sidewalk, so he walks me there. We have to go left and all the way down to get to my car.
And he just stops. He goes, do you want me to walk you all the way to your car?
Jesus, man. Oh, my God.
And, you know, I'm panicked, and I'm a people pleaser, so I was like, no, it's OK. So we split up. I go to my car. I get my dog in there real quick. I get me in there.
I lock the door. I punch it in reverse. And as I am driving away, I look. And right, where me and that cop just were on that sidewalk 30 seconds prior, that man is there staring at me.
Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord.
I don't know where he came from, but it was terrifying. I'm like, OK, well, good thing, the cop's here. And I look to where the cop should be. And this guy, he booked it out of there quicker than I did. He is already, like, on the street.
He's gone.
Oh, my God.
I can see where he's going. There's two exits to get out. He took one exit, but he's going towards the second exit. So I quickly book it over there. As he's passing the exit, I'm, like, frantically, like, flashing my brights to try to get his attention.
Yeah. He just keeps going.
This guy, this is, yeah. I'm more upset with the cop who responded than the assailant.
He made it so much worse, honestly. So, anyway, I'm following. I don't know why I didn't honk my horn. I'm panicked. I'm not thinking correctly.
But I follow him the whole way, flashing my brights the entire time through the police station. He gets out. He parks. I'm like, hey, the guy was right there. Then he was like, oh, that was the guy.
Oh, my Lord.
Is there another heavily face-headed man in a red hoodie that we're not looking for?
What could be easier to find than a red hoodie?
I know. So, anyway, I left my grandparents. I took to Facebook, and I gave the description, like, anybody know who this is? Why was this guy at my door? People shared it as this angel of a stranger who was concerned.
They're like, please don't ever say this is me. But they sent me pictures of him, and they sent me, like, a screenshot from his Facebook saying, hey, I'm finally free. And she's like, he just got off house arrest because he's got his ankle bracelet off. And then she sent me his prison record. And it turns out he had just got out of prison for home invasion.
So that was really, really comforting.
Oh, my goodness.
It just kind of transferred to this week-long thing. It was just a whole bunch of miscommunication going on through the police station. Like, some people were telling me that they never found him. And then some people were saying, oh, no, they did find him that night. He was just at the wrong apartment.
You shouldn't be scared. He was just drunk. It's fine.
He's just a nice ex-con who likes to invade homes.
It was just such a mess. And the people were trying to, like, defend the car. They're like, oh, he might have just found you attractive. I'm like, no, we're not making excuses for people.
This is unbelievable. You got to move. What a weird assumption. that he found you attractive, so he ignored you and accused you of being a baby and didn't walk you to your car. That's a bizarre way to show you like somebody.
Exactly. Yes. I really think it was the police that made it just this much worse. I still live here, and I've never seen him again. So that's good.
But that was absolutely terrifying. Yes.
That's awful.
I just had never prepared myself for that situation, I guess.
You would have moved right out, right, Monica? Yeah. You would have never gone back.
I wanted to. I wanted to. I just couldn't.
That's what happened to me when I got attempted mugging by the gang that lived in the next apartment over from mine in Santa Monica. And then there was a big altercation between me and the guy. And then, when the cop was telling me, he's like, well, look, this gang is next door to you. You should move. And I'm like, yeah.
Give me the three grand for the deposit. Like, I have rent control here. That's not on the table. So now what? Yeah.
Like, I literally can't leave. So I'm just going to have to deal with it, not feeling safe in my own home.
Thank God you got that dog, though. That's very helpful.
I love him. He's wonderful. My little protector. And if I can give advice to anybody, especially a young woman living alone, get a doorbell camera. It is a game changer.
I just bought one.
And they're so easy to install. I installed it myself. Like, it's wonderful. And I never have to look at people again.
And you can stay on the couch and see who's there.
And you can tell them. I've called the police.
I called the police yesterday.
You can communicate with them. Yes.
The police are on their way. And you don't want to just have, like, one door in between. Because that's the scary thing.
I'd have to move because of the guy. But really, I'd have to move because I can't trust the cops.
Or you'd move out of the town entirely.
Well, definitely different area where there's different cops. Because they do nothing.
I have zero confidence in them. And, like, right after this, somebody DM'd me. And I never said the officer's name on social media. I just kind of said, like, they were bullshit or something. And somebody DM'd me.
And they're like, oh, it was the same officer that came to me. She said she got her license plate stolen. And he came and was like, oh, well, that doesn't happen in Milan. And did nothing about it.
Have you watched American Nightmare on Netflix? Uh-uh. Oh, it's great. It's a doc. Put it on your list.
Okay.
I love documentaries.
Well, Brittany, this was a blast getting to chat with someone from Milan, Michigan. It's been 30 years since I was there. Okay.
Well, if you're around again, I'll be here probably. Okay.
I'll be in a red hoodie and I have tattoos. All right.
Well, you know what? Welcome in.
Well, great meeting you. Thanks so much for telling us that story. Thank you for your time.
I appreciate it. Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, that's scary.
That one got you. Not worse than the spider, though. Different.
What would you rather have?
Spider. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, wow.
Than a home invasion? Yeah. You gotta be realistic.
But it didn't happen. We're comparing both stories.
Still, the level of fear that is happening.
Would be much higher.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hello. Hi there.
What fake name would you like? What name have you always wanted to be called?
I'm gonna go real name. Oh, you are? I was gonna go fake and I was talking to someone and they were like, it's not like you're running a marathon and pooped yourself and had an orgasm. It isn't that bad. When you put it that way.
Yeah, I doubt you'll tell any story. that's more embarrassing than the many I've told on here.
That one is the best I've ever.
Right. I couldn't agree more.
I've told that story so many times.
When I'm trying to encourage people to check the show out, that is always the one I tell. I'm like, this is the kind of story you might bump into on Armchair Anonymous. I'm so proud of her for sharing that with us.
Truly. That was so brave. And just funny. I'm Andrew though.
Okay. Wonderful to meet you, Andrew. Hello, Andrew. Where are you? Does your hat betray your location?
No, I am in central Pennsylvania.
Oh, okay. Wonderful.
Are you from the south?
I am not. I spent eight years in the deep south. Orlando, Mississippi, but no, I'm born and raised central PA. Do I have an accent?
I hear a tiny bit.
Melissa, if you talk to dudes in my town, you would hear this.
I could pull off Michigan.
All right. So you had one of your worst or greatest fears come true.
Yeah. So this is a dermatology story. I can't bury the lead. I have to start there. Okay.
This is going to be a dermatologist appointment story, and the first time I ever went.
Okay, great. Andrew, I just was there yesterday or Monday?
Monday. A couple days ago.
Yeah. You should go once a year. I'm a big proponent. I was not at the age of 25.. So this is about 17 years ago, 2006, 2007..
I'd never been to the dermatologist. I have no desire to go to the dermatologist. And this is kind of important for why this is my greatest fear. come true. I'm fair skinned, definitely susceptible to moles and the kind of person that should go to the dermatologist.
You've got a red beard. I can't see what the hair is.
I'm not. It's. I should go to the dermatologist.
The thing is, I don't like to be touched. I don't like to be prodded, poked. I'm ticklish.
I hear you.
It's not my scene. I always was kind of chubby. Body dysmorphia. Being inspected inch by inch is terrifying. And so this is the first time I'm 25..
I'm newly married and my wife says, well, tough. You're going to the dermatologist. So I say, all right.
This is why men live longer when they're married. Yeah.
So I go by myself. I get in the room. They asked me to strip down to boxers, put on the backless gown. This is all expected. Go ahead and do that.
Sit down. And eventually the male doctor comes in and he has a female assistant with him. And they start the process. So they go head to toe, hands out, open fingers, closed face, full body, inch by inch, sitting on the table. This sucks.
He's talking to the assistant, you know, use a medical term, shoulder this, that. It's fine. Moves down through the whole body. And then he says, all right, Andrew, I need to check below the boxers. Check all the areas.
Can I pause you for half a second? Because I had only gone for this for the first time two years ago. And then I was back again Monday. I'm like, I'm going for a skin cancer scan. That's what I think.
And I'm like, no one's got skin cancer on their dick and balls or their ass cracks. So I'm not prepared. And I'm chatting with the doctor. And she's like, all right, let's get those boxers down. I was like, oh, wow.
I didn't even expect that. Were you in the same state of mind?
I did not expect it. I want to be very clear. I don't think this particular doctor did anything wrong at all. There was absolutely no shenanigans. I will say I have been back to the dermatologist since.
And I have never been examined this thoroughly.
Wow.
OK. So the first time's the best time. We push him down. And I'm exposed. And the doctor starts working through the front.
Lifting your penis and lifting your testicles. Moving everything around.
Getting all the examination. Well, you know, I wasn't expecting this, but exciting at least. Gets to the back. So now I'm kind of bare back to the room, to this nurse, to the doctor. He gets the hands and kind of spreads.
A little spreadage.
Opens you up.
And then the fear started happening. He goes, hmm.
No.
Not the time you want to hear a hmm. No.
I bet your butthole puckered up, actually, when you heard. hmm.
He says something to her. It was different than the other. work through the body. He says, you can pull them up now. And I turn back to him.
He says, Andrew, we found a mole between your buttock. And we really need to take a look at it. We're going to need to slice it off and biopsy it. I just don't like the look of it.
Boy, this is why they turn over every stone, right? That's why they spread you open.
Do we think this is why the wife, like the wife, has seen it? Ah.
You know?
Now. that's an interesting question. I can ask later.
It's not a bad hunch.
Because she doesn't want to say to you, hon, you got something going on in your butt.
In your butthole, yeah.
But she can say, like, it's time for you to go to the dermatologist.
So make sure they spread your buttcheeks open. Not because I've seen anything.
Maybe that's why they were so thorough. She called ahead.
She called ahead.
She was like, make sure you don't skip this part.
This is incredible. what may have happened.
You guys are really paranoia me now.
You'll be divorced by the end of the week. Trust us.
How many wives have seen into?
Sure.
I don't know, but okay.
All right.
We'll pick it back up.
Table that.
We need to slice it, biopsy. Me. being a naive 25-year-old, I'm like, that sounds terrible. Let me schedule that. Tell me how this works.
Oh, no. We're doing that right now.
Yeah, we just let you pull your boxers up for fun to have this conversation. But they're coming right back down.
Exactly. Give us five minutes. We just need to go prep. We'll be back. So I pick up my phone as they leave.
This is, like, pre-smartphone. So I'm hitting three buttons at a time to text my wife. What the heck? This is awful. It better be cancer.
And I better be dying, because this is awful. I don't know if WTF was a thing yet, but we were there. He comes back in. He comes with the assistant, pushes a little cart. But there's two extra people with him.
Sure.
Let's get all eyes on this.
Hi.
These are our new medical assistants. Today's their first day. Oh. We're just going to have them observe. Now, see, the difference is the doctor, you know, he's 50..
The nurse, she's whatever. I'm 25.. First day medical assistants, they're, like, 24.. Yeah. They're my peers.
And I'm looking at them, and I'm, like, oh, they're very attractive. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Now we have an audience, and it's not just, like, a doctor thing. It's, like, oh, we got brand-new first-day bodies coming in to observe me getting my butt mole sliced off. Oh. Andrew, get on the table. Take off your boxers.
Lay, face down. I'm against the table. I'm beet red. I am completely dying inside.
Yeah.
Then he adds the final twist to the story. He calls the two medical assistants over, who are gloved, and he says, why don't you guys assist me? Could you hold him open?
Lay him open. No.
Could you hold him open while I slice the mole off? As a 42-year-old? now, I'm, like, it was worse for them than me, probably, maybe. But they come over on their first day. They're, ooh.
And I'm sitting here, like, we didn't prep for this, right? I don't know how I would have prepped for it, but there wasn't, like, prep. So my mind's, like, what's it look like? I can't even think about it. I'm sure it was not pretty in any way.
The whole thing, in reality, probably lasts all of two minutes. They do the thing. He slices. He has one of them, put a Band-Aid on it.
Oh, that was thoughtful.
He goes back, you can put your boxers on again. And I couldn't do this fast enough. Stan, I'm looking at him. I mean, you could have cooked an egg on my face. I am beet red.
And then I have to stand in the room while he explains next steps. Still with the two medical assistants, the nurse, and him, looking straight at me. I'm dead. This was terrible. It was as professional as could be, but it was absolutely mortifying.
And every fear of going to a doctor, you know, you guys, like, never again doing this. It took me 10 years. And living in Florida before I finally was, like, okay, I guess I should go do the dermatologist again. And I have, and I go yearly. You should go yearly.
Bad as it is, and it was as bad as it could be for me. But you got to do it.
You got to do it. You know what's funny is, like, for any German listeners, they can't even relate to this.
What do you mean?
Because they're so fucking comfortable being nude around each other. Oh! Like, this wouldn't even be like, oh, yeah, yeah, bring in everyone. I don't know.
Yeah.
Right? This is cultural. I feel your every pang. Yeah. But it's so cultural.
Wow. I have a very similar story, you remember it, about going to the free, yeah, STD clinic, and everyone I'm dealing with checking in, and I'm 22 or 3, and everything's groovy until I get behind the curtain. And, yes, it's a female doctor who seemingly just graduated, and I immediately feel like I'm on a reality show because she is a 10.. And I'm there to say, like, I think I have a venereal disease. Would you inspect my penis and balls?
Yeah.
It's always doctors. You put yourself in a situation where you're no longer in control of it, you no longer are the smartest person in the room, at least about something. I have a couple doctor stories. That seems to be when they happen, but it was truly awful.
Well, Andrew, that was lovely and very funny. You should be proud to have your name associated with that story. That's a banger. Yes, I agree.
Thank you.
And I'm glad you're getting yourself checked out. It's important. Me too.
Yeah, I think in March I have to go again, so I have like a month of prep.
If you're up for it, we'd love to see your butt crack right now, just as we could warn you ahead of time what people might find.
I'll pass on that opportunity, but I appreciate what you guys do offer to everyone. And Dax, you are my most used GIF ever in life, with Frito from Idiocracy. The. I love money. Number one, without a doubt, the most used.
I do software development and do consulting, so I'll often get asked about a project, and that's my immediate response is you. I like money.
How about, wait, you like sex and money? We should hang out.
That's a pretty good one. That one doesn't come up as much in work calls.
Yeah, that's best.
No, you guys are awesome, and I'm in my MeUndies. I just updated a Squarespace site, and I'm going to have a Big Mac after this, so tell Spotify it's all working.
Go double sauce, double cheese.
All right.
Well, great meeting you, Andrew. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Yeah, thank you guys. Have a good one.
Okay, it really is important that they look like they do all the stuff, because I have a friend who has a mole in her lady parts.
Okay.
And she went to the dermatologist and was like, I have this, you need to look. And they were like, it's fine.
Oh, they didn't want to see it.
They didn't want to see it.
They need to check.
Hello. Hello.
Hi.
We have dueling dog pictures behind our heads. You've got a golden retriever, or two. Those are different?
Yeah, two. Nelly on the left. I can't even tell left or right from your view, but Rooney is the other one. One is like a sweet angel, and the other is like crackhead.
They sound alternative. Rooney and Ellie, they sound like they're into alternative stuff.
Nelly, short for Penelope.
Oh. Also a cute alternative name.
I love these names.
Do you have any children?
I do not.
Right. I would have guessed that because the care with which you've given these dogs names, most people are just like, oh, fucking, whatever, we'll call them Gus. This is meticulous.
Well, I feel like I'll always have these photos now that I printed them, so they'll always have their space, whether we have kids or not.
I hope you use Framebridge to mount and display those.
I wanted to. This was like a cheap rush.
Okay, so Jean, you had one of your greatest fears. come true. Is this true?
Yes, I did. Going to be a little cringeworthy.
Okay, we're excited.
It's my favorite kind.
A little back story. My husband and I had gone to visit my parents for a long weekend. We had a wedding. My parents were selling their house, so their estate sale, no furniture in the house, no beds, except for the one they were sleeping in. So my husband and I basically slept on the floor one night because the air mattress deflated.
And then the next night, patio cushions, makeshift bed in the family room with my sister. It was kind of a long weekend with that, not sleeping well. And then we were driving home and we were kind of like, we haven't done the deed in a while. The long weekend, whatever happened the week before, had been a while.
I just want to point out that I'm proud of you that a long weekend without was a long time.
No, she said the week before.
Oh, she did? Yeah. Okay, I thought just you had him banged on the weekend and that had been a long time. That was an exciting timetable.
But normally the weekend, we try to make time for each other. You know, we're not working or stressed. So the week before and then the weekend, we were horny. We were on the ride home. We were like, all right, we got to stretch the itch.
when we get home. We unpack a little bit. And I think I was just like scrolling on my phone on the couch. And my husband, you know, gave me the eye. We made our way to the bedroom and went from there.
I think for those earlier reasons, I was a bit more vocal than normal.
Okay, because of the buildup. Yes.
I had even, I really rarely do this, but like gave a little instruction, you know, a little to the left.
Wonderful. This is the dream.
Yeah, you should be doing that.
Right. A great experience. And then we're nearing the end and my phone starts to vibrate. Like I'm getting a call. I kind of just ignore it.
I'm like, oh, my sister's probably calling me. And then my husband's phone starts to buzz as well. But we're like so close to the end. We're like, we're just going to power through and figure it out after we finish.
I guess I'm having Aaron weekly flashbacks, but please continue.
So, immediately after he looks up and sees my phone, is towards the head of the bed by the pillows. And he goes, are you on Instagram? live right now? No, you are kidding me.
No, no.
I panic. I've never flipped over so fast to grab my phone. Oh, my God. I knew Monica would do this.
This is horrifying.
Wow.
And even worse. Oh, my God. Panic. And then you'd be like, well, I only have so many followers. Probably no one saw.
But then you're like, well, no, people are already warning us that people I know have seen this.
I'm immediately like our phones were buzzing. So I flip over. I see it's like face up. Camera is facing to the ceiling. It's on live.
There's a few names underneath. You can only see a few, like, who are in the live. Oh.
Of course, one of the only ones I saw was an ex-boyfriend. Oh. And, like an old friend. That's all I see before I just panic exit out of everything.
Flush your phone down the toilet.
I want to. I immediately was just running around the house naked. Like, what do I do with myself? Like, I can't even fathom. I got a call from a friend I hadn't talked to in forever.
And she was like, I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I would have wanted you to call me if you noticed. And I was like, I have no words. I'm so embarrassed. She was like, I joined and immediately left and started calling you. People got messages like Janie went live.
Yes, of course.
On their phone.
I've seen that. When people I'm following go live, I get alerted.
Piecing it together. I call my sister, freaking out. My husband just is like, oh, gosh, jumps in the shower. Doesn't give a fuck.
Oh, my God.
Well, he kind of killed it. Sounds like he was killing it. He's like, he's proud as a peacock. I'm glad your ex-boyfriend heard that. I brought it home.
What do you think people saw? If it was facing the ceiling, do you think they just heard?
Heard. So they just heard.
OK, thank God.
I'm not typically noisy. I just happen to be like, you know what? Screw it. This is a great experience. I'm going to be louder.
I just, I can't.
But you know what's interesting, really quick? So for me, on the outside and acknowledging I'm a man, if I had to get caught having sex, that would be the version I'd want, which is like, I'm kind of a hellcat and a lot of fun.
Honestly, he's in the shower. I'm just pacing. He was like, you should just post on your story. Like, well, hope you enjoyed the show. Yeah.
I really contemplated it. I was like, I guess we can own it. Yeah. Whatever.
Yeah.
But my sister was like, ignore it. It never happened. Don't talk about it.
Think how much different it could have gone. The conversation they could overhear is like, I know. Yeah, get lube. Oh, where is the lube? Oh, do you need a minute?
That's really true. Do I need to help? It could have been impotence, and it could have been dryness, and it could have been like maybe an ouch. Look, we all know how it can go.
Yeah. I've replayed the sex in my mind so many times. Like, what exactly was I saying? I have nightmares. I will often.
This happens, honestly, every other time now. If I don't leave my phone outside of the room, I mid-sex. I'm like, I have to look at my phone and make sure it's off.
I'm just scarring.
It is so scarring.
I like try to get the anxiety. But mostly it seems like it was just girlfriends, which whatever. That's fine. But the ex, I don't know.
The ex-boyfriend was just meming more, wishing. he was still with you. I guess. That's a win.
It should be harder to go live.
Yeah, you should have to like, type in a code or something. Exactly. You should give your password.
I've never gone live before. You have to swipe up. Hit, start. Like, I don't know how my hand. I just threw my phone on the bed.
So I got a notification from Instagram shortly after. Like, you've been flagged for sexual activity. Oh, wow. While my sister's friend reported it because she thought it would like end it.
Like it would get cut off. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Although now you're a registered sex offender.
Thank God I'm private. I don't know what co-workers thought. I have no idea. I'm a nurse. There could have been doctors that I work with on.
And I don't know. Nobody has brought it up to me.
And I imagine all your interactions for the next week, you're like hyper focused on. like, are they acting differently among me? Which makes you act differently, which then could make them act differently. Yeah.
The flag on Instagram like, took it off and it said 7M underneath. Seven minutes?
No, that is long.
Oh, no.
I was like, maybe it was seven minutes ago. And then the longer I thought, I was like, no, that was the entire experience. Seven whole minutes. People going in and out. In and out of the live.
I have no words. It was so scary in the moment. But I mean, I laugh about it. I tell everybody now. Yeah.
It's a great story. Did you happen to hear my best friend Aaron Winkley's story about being on a Zoom AA meeting in the morning and he had no idea his microphone on?
Diarrhea.
Yes. Yelling at his dog. Coughing. Yeah.
I think about it all the time.
That's worse. Because he was like as gross as he can possibly be.
Right. And I was like, what, did I sound hot?
Yeah. Right.
I was calling friends like, did it sound good? Or was I like a beached whale?
v1.0.0.260408-1-a910ba6_os