Kristen Wiig

And I feel warm about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend joined by my crew. You guys are my crew.

Do we get a say in this? No, you don't, okay, you're just my crew. We pull off bank heists on the weekend.

Oh, now I'm in, okay, you're the guy in the van who knows everything about software and open the vault. What do I get to do?

Oh yeah, David Hopping is here as well. You're the muscle. Yeah, this is....

I'm really strong, yeah, he said. Lifting pages Yes, whenever we're threatened by lots of security or something, you lift pages of an introduction.

It works every time and toss it to the side. What's happening in the world of our podcast? I understand there's been some chat on the socials and we need to address this.

This is what I'm told. For instance, you'll notice that Sona isn't here today for the intro segment of this episode, but she will be for the interview. And I think you were saying, that can't happen, and I was saying, the audience knows that we record different parts at different times, sometimes we record things a little bit out of sync.

Mostly we don't, but sometimes we do. And you said that this caused a bit of a theory to emerge from someone on the internet who was telling me this. I don't remember who was telling me this, but I think it was on Reddit that there was a discussion going on. About whether we change clothes to make it seem like we do everything linearly and in real time, that the actual forethought of us bringing in costume changes.

And now I love that anyone who listens to this podcast regularly. Thinking that we would put that level of thought or preparation that we would think, wait a minute, this has to match. We're going to be chatting, but then we'll be talking to Kristen Wiig. So you have to put on your Oxford shirt that you were wearing then, and I have to put on my Beekeepers outfit that we were wearing. When we talked to Kristen, No.

No, because this is on YouTube and people can see. But the thing that cracks me up is most of the time you can see that we aren't wearing the same clothes. You know, it's fascinating and so like, David is here with us today, but won't be for the interview and won't be for the third segment. I would like to point out I don't do anything for the podcast, but I do change my clothes multiple times a day.

Like an Elton John, kind of, have you always done that? Yes, I have like nine different outfits, and I have a guy named Scott Cronick who's upstairs and he's. And just for no reason. Even when I'm just here and basically doing clerical stuff, we're not even recording.

We're not.

I have as many as nine changes. Oh my god, yeah, because I'm in show business, I see.

You know, whatever, I wouldn't understand, you wouldn't understand. No, I wouldn't. You know, you've, of course. I know you've been in podcasting for a long time, but you can be a camp counselor.

And then you over here, you're not really in show business. The way I am, I have to constantly be seen as an iconic entertainer. I have Bob Mackie outfits upstairs every now and then, I'll go out to lunch next door, and I'm just suddenly I'm wearing a glittery skirt and a feather boa.

You change at lunch. Yeah, you got anything by Botany? 500? Yes, I do okay.

I should add that part of that theory was that they noticed that us back here we wear the same clothes while you guys are wearing different clothes. Is that right? How did that happen, right? So they were like, Well, it must be, because, look, Adam's wearing the same thing and Eduardo's wearing the same thing and Blaise wearing the same thing, but they're wearing something different.

So why are you guys always wearing the same stuff? Are you guys doing costume change? Maybe you should. I wish I could afford more clothes, oh, for God's sake.

Give him a raise, or fire him so he can get a better paying job. fire him so he can get a better paying job. Oh, here we go, okay?

Here comes Adam is going to join the fray, by the way, wearing the same goddamn sweatshirt he wears every day. Are you like Mr. Rogers? You just have that hanging on a hook here at the studio and you put it on every time?

Why are you wearing that same thing every day? Okay, first of all, I alternate between two hoodies that I keep in my office because it is freezing in the studio and when I'm walking around the halls. So you have two hoodies. Okay, Zuckerberg?

That works for me, and I wear them in here because it's really, really cold and then I take them off when I get out. But I was searching to try to find this Reddit thread and I did find it here. I don't know if you have a better reading voice than I do, but you can see what you have a wonderful. The Chilchums record multiple intros a day and switch outfits to look like they recorded on different days. I was watching the two intros today, where Conan confronts Matt about the Mall Walking podcast.

At the start of the second intro, Conan says Today I learned about Matt's podcast, implying that the two intros are filmed on the same day. However, by looking at the video, we see that their outfits all changed, while the crew remained the same. My theory is that they probably record a lot of intros in a day, which is true. It wouldn't make sense of them to only record 15 minutes a week plus the guest interview anyway.

I have one guess, yeah, that this fan believes. 11 people shot. Kennedy Yeah, yeah, that's the kind of thinking that takes you down that road.

Here's a peek behind the curtain, for instance, today it's planned to go on the Kristen Wiig episode, but we're dressed in the same clothes. If you watch the YouTube clip of the Melinda French Gates interview, because we did that interview today, but we recorded the intro for Kristen Wiig.

And we know that this is today because this is the day you had the small stroke. What do you mean by that?

I also love the idea that we're doing this to commit the perfect murder. That's what this leads me to is that we are shooting things out of sequence and changing outfits. So that later on, when someone says, Oh my God, pick anyone, I'm sorry David, it's going to have to be you, but David's been murdered. We can say, Hey, that day. Look, we have footage of us. That was the day Melinda Gates came in, or that was the day and we're off the hook.

And there's some listener out there with a bare apartment. Yarn, yes, red yarn, and calendar dates and pictures of our costumes, right?

And it's happening.

Your dreams don't work out and then you're just shipped home. Yeah, true crime, David's murder, somebody did say.

You had a stroke? Yeah, are you okay, buddy? There's something in the air I am worried about.

I can't touch. The only thing that surprises me about this is that they change outfits for a mostly audio medium, so people are buying into this. Yeah, it's not true.

No, but I guess me saying it's not true only makes it. It stokes the conspiracy, it stokes the conspiracy theory. That's great, though.

Let's let this conspiracy build and rise. Also, what I do applaud is people paying that much attention. I mean, I do appreciate that our fans are really paying attention. If we had uniforms, this wouldn't be a problem, that's right.

Hey, I want uniforms and I will pay for the uniforms. If someone can make this happen. I was supposed to do. Matt's going to design them, I want us to wear.

And again, the inspiration for this came from Jack White and Third Man Records, where, you know, Jack has everyone in his entourage wearing these cool outfits. And I'm like, that's what we need. Okay, we need everyone at Team Coco Conoco, whatever we call this thing now.

I forget there's so many entities that at Conan, Inc. I want everybody wearing a similar outfit, except for me, and I want to wear Admiral's epaulettes, just Admiral's epaulettes.

Just Admiral's epaulettes. Let's just say, Okay, next week we're not recording, I'll get on this.

Good, oh, that's just. But why aren't we recording next week? Conspiracy theory? Oh, that's right.

Because we don't have a costume, because Conan's in the Pacific Northwest, committing some insane crimes, committering everyone's got it.

Go to Vista del Mar. She now stars in the new Apple TV Plus series Palm Royale. I am beyond thrilled.

Kristen Wiig welcome.

I am so happy that you're here. Oh, thanks, because I remember when you got cast on SNL and absolutely adoring you. And thinking like, this is the. I think this is like the funniest person I've seen. Yeah, and I say that this will not air.

We had you on the show and I was just one time and we didn't get to really connect again. And so, if nothing else, when I found out that you were going to come in today, I was just thought, this is my chance to tell you just how blown away I am by you.

You do a character Gilly, and Gilly has an intro number and does a dance to it. And I love good physical comedy, and it's one of my favorite things when you break into, first of all, I think, all characters.

Michael the other day and we worked together at SNL and we were talking about, Yeah, I like him fine. But we thought that we were talking about. A sketch that we wrote for Tom Hanks called Mr. Short Term Memory.

And how we insisted this is like 1988, that no, that it has to have a theme song, and I remembered Lauren was like, No, it doesn't need sketches, don't have theme song openings, and we said, No, it has to. And we had a whole animated opening where Tom Hanks's character gets hit by a pair sitting under a pear tree.

Whatever, he'll frustrate you. So because he's Mr. Short term anyway, we wrote this whole theme song.

And I always thought, I think it should be a law that all sketch characters have a ridiculous theme song that wastes time.

Kristen Wiig has nerves.

But you know, there could be things that work and dress. And then you're like, waiting for the some sort of giggle, and then it's silent during air. That happens, that happens all the time.

And what would happen? Sometimes it's it's rare, but something can really do well at dress. Usually doesn't happen. But it's a different crowd and then what happens is they do the air show.

In the air show, sometimes, that's when all the executives got their friends in. Lauren has some pals there. Just a lot of people are coming in, and so there are different crowd, maybe a little more entitled.

Maybe they've seen the show a bunch.

And when I tell you when we went to dress and you know when, like, the first joke comes out and like, that's the sketch. So if they're not going to laugh at that, you've got about. It. Feels like 18 minutes of like silence. It was so silent and I was just looking at other people in the sketch, like Andy and Bill.

They're like looking at me, laughing like this is going. So it was just absolutely silent. I couldn't even predict that that was going to happen. But it's good also because then it kind of like, keeps you on your toes.

You don't expect certain things, but the way that it bombed was just for the books.

And it was this used to be good. Whoever the host was, and I don't remember. But the male host gets put in a prison cell with him, and the male host is whoever it was. Has Mace as his cellmate, and Mace comes on is so tough and hard.

And you're not gonna make it, buddy boy, it's me. I'm the king of this. And then, you know, the way in those cells are just an exposed toilet.

It comes time they're both there for a while, and then it's clear that Mace has to use the toilet. But he's embarrassed about using it in front of the other guy in this very shy, human way, and he's like putting little pieces of toilet paper down.

He's trying to do it when the other guy's back is turned, and whenever the guy turns back, he goes like, you keep looking the other way, buddy boy. And it was just all about this, very common. That's so funny to me, no?

And so we did this thing that we read it at, read through, and like Tile was coming off the ceiling. People were laughing so hard and it's over, and the applause and people coming up.

And you know, Lauren actually making eye contact and I'll give you a gold coin, you know, and you're just feeling amazing. And then dress rehearsal and it starts. And then there's the first thing, which is the whole sketch, where you realize that Mace wants to use the toilet. The toughest guy in the world.

And silence. And I remember I had called everybody. You know, you're going to have a sketch? Oh, of course, I did. of course, I did because I'm a writer.

And I'm like, tune in, because you all thought I didn't have it. Well, you're going to see a sketch tonight with Phil Hartman called me, you know, watch this. And then just absolute silence and then that thing where they say the last line, Well, that's the way it goes.

Long pause, then the band. Doon doon, doon, doon doon doon doon doon doon, doon, doon doon. And no applause, and then you don't even have to go in to the room.

You know, it's never going to make air. You want to do an autopsy afterwards and find out.

There's no reason.

Tiger beat, Tiger beat, Bop, There was a bop, there was like those magazines, and it just looked so far away.

And like, Oh, you have to, like, live in California, and that's just like a different planet. I just didn't even think about it. I think deep down, I always dreamed about it, but I thought, doesn't everybody? I don't know.

Exactly, it just wasn't something I.

But I, uh, I, I just. It wasn't in my world and I think what the internet has done. You can be in the tiniest little spot in Kansas and you can do something funny. And it can get a lot of positive feedback and I think that's terrific. Before that, there were people like me long before you. When I was a kid. Doing shtick in front of the mirror and takes and absorbing stuff on television and in movies, that I saw doing it in front of the mirror. But then thinking, Yes, this is what all sad little boys do.

Uh.

But yeah, there was no, there was nothing, you know, you just.

Number one.

And most people didn't know what I was talking about.

I think you'd like that. And I'd never seen improv before. And then I remember my first show, Jennifer Coolidge was in it, Mike Hitchcock and they did improv. And I was like, Oh, I want to, I think I want to do that, I want to try that.

And then I just like, signed up, but I had no. I knew sketch, obviously from SNL, but improv, I didn't even know that was a thing.

It's a really small stage.

But I mean, the list is, I can't even begin to list it. It's insane how many people.

So you're up there, you're doing the groundlings, and you're, are you working a regular day job while you're doing that? What are you doing?

Um, oh my God. I was a server, I worked at Universal Studios in the executive dining room.

She just had a terrible gambling addiction. And no, she people are like Jennifer Garner, No. There was a place where you could get brunch on the Upper West Side. And I was doing the late night show. And she said, I came in once and she said I was nice and everything. But then I then started to read the paper.

It's like, No, we really need that table. And she remembered this years later, and I was so embarrassed, like you never know.

And my best friend worked there.

I'm not. I didn't really like, yuck it up.

And she wasn't being mean, No, I just said, I'm quiet, I'm efficient. I don't, you know, because I, I just thought I had this weird ability to put that away.

You saying that boss didn't know that you were a comedy writer, is I? I don't even know how you would go a month without doing bits at any sort of work environment, heavily medicated. Okay, that makes sense.

And I'm like, Now she hear you.

Oh, come on.

He wakes people up who were sound asleep.

But some of my favorite people and you are on this list yourself. Steve Martin. They when it's time to go, they go and they're flawless and they're great. And then if someone you know invites them to a party, they think, Well, you know this guy, or, you know, Kristen shows, you know. And and it's like, Well, no, that's not who I am, yeah.

You know, I was nervous and I hadn't done a lot of interviews and stuff. And I think they were kind of like, huh, like, I don't know if they expected me to, like, talk in voices or like, yes, but I'm also nervous. And, you know, I don't know. I think people were like, she's not that funny.

And and I'm always asking a million questions like, how big is the room, who's at this thing? And then I have to try and tailor it to what is this situation? And sometimes it's just no, there shouldn't be any comedy here, it's not.

And I also often think that an interview format like one of my favorite people growing up. Peter Sellers just brilliant, brilliant, and then I'm so fascinated with him, and I've read all these books on Peter Sellers. And all the information that comes back is he was devastatingly funny when he's in a movie, or when he's doing his performances on the Goon Show, or whatever he was doing. And then he was just sort of blinking and looking around the room when he was at a party.

And he always carried a little camera with him because he was interested in cameras, He would explain his camera to a great length. But you didn't, you know, people wanted Inspector Clouseau at the party, and he's not going to do that, yeah.

Unless he's highly paid.

And that, and just like the writers there, when I was there in the cast, I was so lucky. And I don't know. I just felt like, didn't feel like work in a way. But I knew when I got there, I was like, I'm going to be here for seven years, I didn't want to go longer than that. I don't know why.

I just kind of felt like when you get there, you know, you kind of feel like you're walking into someone else's living room. Like everyone else knows each other so well.

Because I sometimes when I talk about SNL, sometimes people misinterpret it and say it was frightening, terrifying in some ways. And also I kind of wouldn't change a thing, yeah.

I just felt like there's something about that place where you just need to be a little uncomfortable, that makes sense.

I mean, the first time I saw Denise prosthetic forehead and doll hands, I told you I loved, I mean, I love Gilly, but her dance and Penelope and.

And remember, back in the day, they would show there'd be one screen and they'd be like, the movie starting, and then you'd have to put your head. It would just start at that time.

She was just like, what she's like, why is it flying? She was like, Oh, she was so loud.

And I was like listening to her and writing down things she was saying.

What I love is they hired you to review films. Yes, and it's perfect because you have nothing but disdain. You don't seem to understand the movies, no?

You just want to make a wisecrack, and it's just absolutely hilarious. Also, it looked like it's you kind of had to that. All the different takes that you would do, the sarcastic, the sarcastic takes that you would do.

And she said, They can fucking see you, and I'm like, I'm sorry, that's a flapjack I could buy.

People had tics like they, you know, slap their thigh, cough twice. And so it just looked like a Tourette's convention for a while there. But one thing that I liked so much about the work that you did at SNL, and then again you brought that to Bridesmaids, is you can go so quiet, you can be so small, and it's perfect. I think it's one of the reasons I get drawn in.

You're not trying to blow me off the roof with your comedy a lot of times. And you can go big, but you also can go very small. And then, you know, and then that was. One of the things I thought that made Bridesmaids so special was how quiet things could be doing that kind of comedy. It's like this little porcelain comedy.

That's beautiful, I don't know, I was just great.

I just loved it as a fan of yours that you're able to do that.

I prefer improv. There's no preparation, you just show up on the day.

Yeah, it kind of depends on what it is. But when I'm watching improv, I get more nervous because I'm like, what are they going to say, right? or what would I say? Or oh, God?

Hey, I'm Lamborghini.

Hey, I'm a Porsche man.

I'm just thinking.

You have to see me. Apologize to Conan for not earning him more money.

Well, we won't give it away, but I was going to bring up your guys because you guys live in a similar neighborhood, similar environments, but we won't say.

We're on Catalina Island, that's right, yes.

I never said I was a good writer, I just managed to be a writer.

When you left SNL, it was.

I don't know, it was like everybody took a moment. It was such a nice send-off. But I think that your plan was to do seven years really, really superbly and then get out on a high note. And because you did that, you had this glorious send-off.

It took me, I think, a year, maybe, to watch it.

Right, arcade fire.

I understand that it's bittersweet to leave that experience, but if you're going to do it, that's the way to do it.

You've had the best experiences, you've laughed, you've cried, it's your family, and you're just there, just physically, like many hours of the day.

And saying goodbye to Lauren was really hard. It was just it was, Yeah, it's your life.

And I walked up by Rockefeller Center and I was hit by every emotion you can have. And I'm very Irish and very proud of the fact that I don't experience emotions or acknowledge them, or I can sublimate them. So much that I only realized later on that it came out of my sweat or something you smell sad.

But I passed that building and I had every feeling that I had of ecstasy, sadness, terror, love. Everything came back, and it was almost too powerful. And then I went right in to talk to Howard Stern and he's chatting with me.

And it all.

I just he was like, my therapist and that's what we talked about and....

It's like, it's the same doors, it's the same paint, it's the same, it's the same, and the crew is mostly the same.

So I think knowing that it's still existing is like, I don't know. Pulls on you a little more.

Oh God, they should have taken the building down. What's the point of going on? No, I understand that's very sad. But Egyptian pharaohs had the same idea.

And.

But I remembered.

I mean, when I took over the late night show for Letterman, Letterman in his first year, one night said to Paul, Can you believe they're over there doing our show? And I remembered at the time thinking, Oh, he's, I like, that was his apartment.

Yeah, and now I'm in it and he still feels like it's his apartment and these new kids are in there, breaking stuff, and that's how it can feel.

Sometimes a little bit is just you make it so much your own and then you have to leave. And then, of course, other people move in and do things differently but brilliantly, and that's how it is. Just keep moving.

But are you having other thoughts?

I have glaucoma in my right eye, so I don't have peripheral vision, but I see you perfectly. I just, I'm going to say, you've had more experience in film, you're arguably the bigger deal.

So I would accept a 70-30 with you getting the 70.

I mean, you're a big deal.

I've watched the first episode.

I was watching it with David Hopping, who's the assistant who filled in for Sona. He's done a brilliant job, took over, really took over.

I don't even.

I did okay, no, no, no, I trained him. The point here is not about you, Sona.

The point is, I saw the first show an insane cast, absolutely brilliant cast.

Yeah, and it, I don't know what they did, but it's got this saturated retro color to it that is fantastic. I mean, I haven't seen a show look like that.

It just.

It's got, it's almost like a confection.

There would be a fish tank and he would specifically pick the color of the fish to go in the fish tank to match. The room. Like everything. And he worked with Alex Freeberg, our costume designer. So....

I mean, it was like, I've never seen anything like that.

Why it works is that you have the performers are all so good that they can overcome how stunning it is to look at, meaning I think a lesser performers would get lost in. I mean, I was watching it and I was noticing that. Allison....

There's a scene where Allison Janney is talking and her sunglasses, which are so vintage 1969 and so big. And you would love it, Matt, because it's all this very cool period stuff. And her glasses match are very loud but beautifully match her insane 1969 outfit, and then it all blends in with all this color.

That's happening in the background, and I noticed myself thinking every now and then when something's just produced so well. I think, man, these people know what they're doing.

And get it.

And then so what? I'm always blown away when I watch things, I've never been in the world of them. Using a light meter to measure exactly how my face is going to look the best, because no one gives a shit.

I don't steal, I ask.

I've never committed larceny. Well, just say it as yourself.

They're an hour each, so it was like six and a half months, I think, shooting, but yeah, it was great.

Oh, that's tough, I've kind of liked everywhere I've gone, it's pretty good, yeah.

I mean, I think Adam Sandler's a genius because he's made two thirds of his movies in his like, favorite beach in Maui. Yeah, and it doesn't matter, it can be the story of Abraham Lincoln.

It's Lincoln like, Well, I might go to Washington to be president, but first, I got to get this coconut open.

Thank you.

All right, Kristen, thank you so much.

Both of them sounded horrible. Can the doctor also check Coralie? I keep begging a neurologist to diagnose me, and then I think while they're here, they can check out Coralie. Yes, voicemail it is.

Let's have at it. Eduardo. Hi Conan. My name is Rebecca and I live in Worcester, Massachusetts, which I know you're very familiar with, right? I actually am listening to you right now.

And I paused the episode because I got so excited. You said that your new podcast facility has a birthing center in it. And I am 34 weeks pregnant, so I'm due on March 15th, which is about five weeks away. So I didn't know if maybe since you are a doula, I could be the first person to give birth in your new facility. Thanks for considering that.

Bye-bye. Well, I have a lot to say. First of all, congratulations Rebecca, and my greetings to everyone in Worcester, Massachusetts. That is the town in sort of south central Massachusetts, where pretty much my entire family is from, on both sides.

And I still have a lot of family in Worcester, and so many of my father, uncles all went to Holy Cross College, so Worcester looms large in my memory and in my heart. REBEcCa When I said that there was a birthing center here at the Larchmont Studios, I was lying. There isn't an actual birthing center.

I apologize. I think I got off on one of my crazy riffs or tangents, maybe I was talking in an aspirational way. Do you recall me saying we had a birthing center? It was with Kelly Cuoco.

Yeah, and who said we had a birthing center? Was it myself? No, maybe it was Matt. Well, it doesn't matter.

But this recording studio used to be at OBGY, wasn't it? No, no, we were just making a joke on Kelly Cuoco. No, no, no, it was just an office.

It was a place where people met and did business. I'm talking before Jane Club. Wait a minute, this is interesting. Adam Sachs is getting on, Mike.

Adam tell us all those stories when we got the space. Immediately before us was the Jane Club, which was a co-working space for working moms. Kind of like a wework for working moms. There was a childcare area where working moms could bring their kids. But before that, I think it was owned, my understanding, owned by an Obgyn who worked obviously crazy hours around the clock. And so this actual studio before we moved in here was shaped, like, if you remember, it was octagonal in shape.

It had padded walls and they wanted it to be soundproofed and black and quiet, so that when the doctor came home, she could sleep at any time. Oh, it wasn't for pregnant women. No, no, no, it was a personal home.

It was for the doctor, the obgyn, to be able to sleep because she kept strange hours. Got it? But either way, I think there was a very nurturing energy in this room and we've carried that forward. Can't any room be a birthing room?

Do you really need the sterile stuff? Can it just? Uh, excuse me? We just consult 180 years of proven medical history. Let's see Dr.

LISTER Yeah, um, no, you need a sterile environment. But, you know, I mean, what about, like, there's a lot of women who just can't wait till they get to the hospital. We can be that kind of space. Do you want to give birth in an area that reminds you of giving birth in, like a hotel lobby?

You can come here where nothing is sterile. So what you're basically saying is someone should make a plan to come here and have a baby in an unsterile environment. Yeah, I mean, if that's how we're going to do it. REBECCA Listen, first of all, I'm thinking of you and this birth that's coming on March 15th. But you should definitely not have your baby. Here at our Larchmont facility, it is not a sterile environment.

And in fact, boy are we slobs. I mean, there is right, no, what? It's very nice and neat here.

There's a kitchen right here. But also, Erica Brown runs a very tight ship. If she sees you, leave a glass, and it doesn't matter if it's you or anybody, she'll make you pick it up. That's true, but I'm constantly knocking food out of your hands.

So there's probably crumbs everywhere there are, and maybe stop so people could have babies here.

That's finally a good reason for me not to knock food, thank you out of a grown woman and mother of two's hands. Yes, thank you. You know, it's something that we could look into because we do have, well, no, we're pretty much using every room here.

Now, I don't think there's a space in this facility that we could convert into a birthing room. But how would you feel about being a doula? Because I think Rebecca mentioned that you, I'm cool with that, you know?

So you could be there, present at birth, helping women deliver. Listen, I was quite present and involved in the birth of both of my children. I think I'm a natural doula. I did shriek the whole time and I had to be physically restrained by orderlies.

But other than that, I think I'd be a fine doula. Terrible, what are you talking about? I'd be cracking them jokes and doing bits, oh, and delivering the baby as a character.

Yeah, I'm an old gold miner, that's part of it. But also you're very squeamish about female bodies, and you know, you're just kind of so repressed. That you'd be like, Do I have to look at your vagina when it comes out? I wouldn't be near the vagina.

Just where the baby comes out, what?

Do you know how it works? The stork shoot? Yeah, there's a door. What door?

Where's the door upper middle back?

I blacked out for both babies and then that's what they told me later on, that's what happened. It's a mahogany door, and it's got a little, it's drawn on and magic marked.

Yeah, it's got a little knocker and door opens, and the baby walks out wearing a top hat and says, Let the life begin.

Oh, I actually don't have the heart to break it to you. Let's go with that. Yeah, I think that's a better story. I'm sticking with it.

Okay, anyway, any birth that involves a mahogany door between the shoulder blades I'm fine with, but I'm not getting near any vagina.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sonam Ovsessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me, Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Khan. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

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