Summer S’mores with Conan and the Chill Chums Season 3 Episode 4

This special episode of Summer S'Mores is presented by Solo Stove. Solo Stove is uniquely designed to burn off smoke before it ever escapes the top of the fire pit. Trust us, once you've sat around a smokeless fire, you'll never want to go back. Go check them out at Solostove.com. Use promo code CONAN to get $10 off your new pit.

Summer S'mores With Conan and the Chill Chums a six-part series with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Mufsesian and Matt Gorley. Let's get started.

Yay, yay.

Yay, yay, yay, yay why?

You want to work someplace else because this is pretty stupid, you have to admit it's so dumb.

The Mushroom kids, the mushroom kids.

We represent the mushroom kids.

Why doesn't Gorley set up the pizza art? And I'll set up the glasses? Great, so we're starting with the glasses.

What should I do, boss?

Well, I think you're doing it.

Go rob a bank you hobo.

I'll kill you.

I'll be killed, okay?

You got me.

Welcome to summer chores and.

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

Oh my God, we're not even not that much. Time has elapsed and I'm worried about Sona. Most of all. You should be, you should be.

Welcome to summer chores with Kobe and the.

Okay.

We're doing this podcast, don't you see?

I don't think anyone's said, Don't you see? since about 1944? Don't you see? We must win World War II?

The best part is listeners, you can go to YouTube and check out all kinds of clips from this series.

Yeah, if hearing about it doesn't annoy you enough and you want to see this total meltdown of us outside on this nice veranda.

Do you want to see the three hottest people that you've ever seen in life?

We're so fucking sexy.

I'm wearing a bikini the size of a doily.

Sona, What are you doing with the cord of your hair?

I'm doing unibrow, you're doing unibrow.

For the YouTube people, Okay, hey YouTube people, hey Youtube, this is how sona....

Dear Youtube.

You look fantastic, thank you.

Let me see point it to me.

Unibrow.

Whoa?

Well, I think the important thing is that we're here, we're together, and two of you are wasted. I'd like to point out that I'm a very thoughtful person.

You're busted, you little Dandy.

No, I am not. I blame the microphone, which is a Krieger, which is not the German brand I prefer, it is Schludendeiden anyway. I knew that it was your birthday coming up and I tried very hard to get you a wonderful. This is for you, Mr. Matt Gourley.

I'm not an important part of the.

I'm Martin Marley. Hey Margaret, I get to 10, 10, I get to five, five, five, five.

David does your day-to-day assistant duties, and I do big picture.

That's right, who wants big picture? Yes, no, you know, when I'm planning to launch satellites, my purchase of, you know what I have to say? When I tried to outbid Elon Musk for Twitter, Sona was instrumental.

The big picture?

Yeah, I'm a big picture assistant.

But anyway, do us a favor and tell us, Mr. Hopping, what's the status? Because, first of all, take us through it because we've talked about this before. But I ordered these glasses and I was really excited for them to come and then they weren't showing up. And then you told me there was a problem, and then you said. An investigation has been launched.

Yeah, it's kind of exciting. Ooh, a little bit.

Let's hear about it.

They're not here. That's pretty exciting.

That's my favorite part of the story.

They're missing. I did check earlier and now it says that a claim has been filed, and now it says that I need to contact the seller. So basically, we ordered these from, like, not eBay, but like an eBay, what do you mean, like an eBay? So it's like, from a seller.

F-Bay.

Like, I was like, messaging the girl's room.

It's called SAP.

She seems really nice, though.

Can I ask you a question? Yeah, my money has gone through. Yes, yes.

So you're out of pocket at this point.

So I am out of pocket and David. Just be perfectly honest, these weren't cheap.

No.

Okay, so I am out of pocket this amount of money. And yet right now we're just hearing these vague claims that there's an investigation, right?

Like, we can see every step of the journey. The package went on like it went from Connecticut to New Jersey to something called Bell, California. That sounds nice, that's near us.

Now, what is that in your opinion, David? And I know that you're a very good detective. What do you think happened to the glasses if you had to guess? Do you think someone stole them along the way or do you think it's an innocent accident?

I mean, I don't want to accuse anyone of stealing, but I think they were stolen.

Let's be clear the real tragedy is I've turned 50 years old and I am weeks without gift. Yeah, and I'll tell you, I don't know how much longer I can hold on, yeah.

Well, first of all, it's not just without gift you're weeks without twee cocktail glasses.

Exactly.

From the 1950s.

My reason for living?

Yeah, exactly, this is an injustice. Has been done, good money has been spent. You know how hard I work and how much I deserve the money that I make, and you know that this is a crime.

Makes it about himself. When do we expect a resolution? Yes, thank you, David.

Oh, you know what, Matt? I apologize. I did momentarily make it about myself and I'm sorry. And I just want you to know that Conan O'Brien is sorry for the loss of the glasses that Conan O'Brien got you.

When can we expect a resolution?

The investigation was supposed to end two days ago.

Two days ago and there's no update.

What investigation? There's no Inspector Clouseau out there.

Who's investigating?

The UPS is investigating themselves.

The UPs.

Oh, this is ridiculous, you know what?

I'm sorry, David, I don't want to throw you under the bus. But I would pretend that this happened if I forgot to order something, and then I would have-.

Oh my God, did you do that, David?

I would pull them up, but then everyone would see how much you paid.

Hey, you're in this big picture, why don't you get on this? yeah?

Oh, can I say something? Sona, sona, sona, let me ask you a question, How would you?-?

I would call Ups.

And what would you do?

I would give them a piece of my mind.

Let's role play that hi, this is Ups.

Hi ups, hi, this is Sona, I'm calling from. You may have heard of him. Conan O'Brien's office.

Never once heard of him, okay?

Well, we had a package.

Okay, and guess what?

They never showed up. This is your literal job, ups to just deliver this shit, you're right.

Where is it, what's in the package?

It doesn't matter what's in the package, you're right.

How can I locate it without the contents? Ya dill what?

Why do you need the contents ya Dill?

Well, you should be asking me for my tracking number.

Do you even work for UPs?

No.

Ya Dill.

I'm a temp ya Dill, who did I call?

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, ya Dill Weed.

Your biggest insult is comparing someone to a pickle.

Yeah.

Wow, what happened to UPs?

I'll tell you what we don't lose packages here at UPS.

All right, oh no.

Oh, no.

I'm dealing with fools.

No, I would call and get angry.

I will say something David, I'll do it for you. Hey David, you do a great job. But Sona's the OG and Sona has a temper that is off the charts.

Get on this, sona sona, it started nice.

But Sona, I am saying a positive thing, which is I used to hear Sona. Get on the phone half the time for me to try and find out what had gone wrong for me.

Half the time just trying to show you that I did a lot of personal calls.

And she would get stuff done. And then half the time, or maybe 80 of the time, it would be saying to someone in L.A. County. I know I went too fast and you gave me a speeding ticket, but you can't f with me.

Sona's good at getting out of speeding tickets. Oh my god.

No one gets out of a speeding ticket like Sona.

I have a spotless record and I've gotten a lot of tickets.

So you're admitting that you did speed, I did, and so you have a-.

I'm sorry. When was the date the radar gun was last calibrated? Those are the questions you ask when you fight tickets. You say, Hey, when? How far were you from my car? Where were you parked, Sona?

Sona, You're insane.

No, this is actually. I got out of every ticket, Matt, I'm telling you I would hear this stuff on the phone and she got out of every single ticket. And I hear her saying things like, my car's coated in aluminum, so no radar beam can. It was just amazing. How did you get out of it?

It's just not worth it.

I got out of a red light camera ticket, they had a video of me going through the red and I still beat that ticket.

How did you get out of it?

Because I fought it and then it got denied, then I fought it again, then it got denied, then I went to court and they lost the video.

Why aren't you putting this amount of energy into my goddamn glasses?

No, Sona, seriously, David, you do an amazing job, but I think if Sona was on this, those glasses would be here in 40 seconds.

Yeah, I could call and yell.

Because she would go total crazy, apeshit on them in a way that, listen, I don't wish this on you David. I don't want you to become a monster, but Sona is a monster and she would-.

Are you complimenting me? I don't understand what's happening.

I think you're an incredible, I think. When King Kong got to the top of the Empire State building and squatted those biplanes down, it was amazing. You are an out of control, insane person.

You're the Kraken.

But guess what, you're an amazing Kraken, you're the Loch ness monster on crack, and you get it done every time. What is this?

I don't know if I should say thank you.

Get me my glasses.

Just say, thank you, I don't wanna say I don't know.

I don't feel complimented.

You will once the drink wears off, yeah.

We gotta get to some pizza art.

Why don't you? Yeah, let's get to some pizza art. Thank you David. Thank you David. thank you. I'll take the info.

Thank you for your service. We'll call, we'll yell.

Thank you and you have failed. And now Sona will pick up the gauntlet. Let us move on.

Love you guys.

I love you too.

I'm okay.

I know Matt and I love each other, Sona's just okay. This year, Solo Stove sent us the bonfire. It's designed to put out some serious heat without putting off that dirty s-word. You know what I'm talking about? Smoke, mm.

That's why we know you're crying is actually just emotional and not smoke-related.

Yes, I'm crying because I'm with two people I love very much.

Aw.

Oh wait, who's here? That's us.

Oh, it's me, oh man, Matt.

Wait, sorry, my glasses weren't on anyway. Solo Stove has multiple different colors that are portable. So you can take it into the back country, you can go to the beach, you can go up to the top of a mountain, you can go into a deep cave. It looks good, it works great, plus it has a lifetime warranty, which means we could do easily 7,000 seasons of this show. That's a lot, and it would, well.

I'd like to retire at some point.

I don't think so. Your family has said they're fine with you working anyway. We could do a lot of seasons and that solo stove would keep on cooking. Go check them out at Solostove.com and use promo code CONAN to get $10 off your new pit.

I am very pleased to introduce my sister-in-law Sarah Lund. She'll be coming in here in a second. She has taken great pains to create three pizzas with very specific pizza art.

Oh, wow, can I say something? Sarah helped us out last year, she did incredible work using Marshmallow, she's very artistic.

Oh yeah, that's what she does for a living, she's an artist and production designer.

Yeah, she's terrific, I like her, and so she's going to do, she's gonna render some pizza. Art, is what you're saying.

And she's done this professionally for Pizza Hut, she's done pizza art.

Very cool.

Yeah.

All right, so I don't quite know what pizza art is.

I don't either, but we're about to find out.

I'm a little bit I'm gonna say, beguiled are you? Yeah, I've never been beguiled before in my life.

Are you bewitched?

I'm bewitched, I'm bewildered, I'm beside myself, I'm behind the times. I am very excited. Sonia, how you doing?

How do you feel?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Do you want a big hug?

I can't drink anymore, or I will vomit into the solo stove.

Can I say one thing? You are crying and your tears are pure rum.

Oh, I gotta drink them.

I'm excited. Check this out. Oh, what's that?

I just got a notification on my phone there's a new episode of Conan O'Brien needs a friend.

Oh, there is. Yeah, that's incredible.

Kelly Clarkson is available.

Oh, wow, very good, that's a good one. I like Kelly. Oh, here we go. Oh, it's Sarah Lund, everybody.

Hi, if you wanna talk, you can stand by the mic, or you can just show off your wares, whatever you like. Hello.

Sarah, you did an amazing job last year with the S'mores art, really incredible. Now you're working with pizza, which I think is a much more difficult medium.

It is a very difficult medium. In fact, it's only gonna look nice this one time once it goes in the oven.

It will become bloated and distorted, like my face, after 50.

Best be agreed with you.

You know, it's good. Hey Sarah, thanks for jumping up and saying, Oh, no, Conan, you look amazing.

Helping us out here, we also have my beautiful wife Amanda and my beautiful solo stove Representative DG.

Yay.

Okay, let's take a look we've got-.

All right, should we do the tour?

Is it DJ or DG DG?

DG DG Omani.

I thought you said DJ, but it's DG.

I did say, DG, Yeah, let's say DG to correct you. Yeah, thank you, Sona.

You said it, right.

Thank you. How are you? Oh, ooh, so what are we looking at here? Let's look at these.

This is Conan.

That's me, is that me? or is that Michelangelo's David? I can't tell. Oh my god, these are really good.

Okay with the hummus?

You know what?

DG brought out hummus with my pizza.

And it's very upsetting, it's not upsetting, admit it, you like it.

Oh, look at Matt with his glasses.

Oh my, I want to punch that pizza. Hey, really.

I want to quit that pizza, you want to quit that pizza.

She's laughing hard at you.

Amanda admit you'd also like to punch the pizza of your husband. Punching a pizza's funny. I think it was the thought of violence towards your husband that amused you.

Stop trying to destroy our already fragile marriage. Okay, let's take a good look at these.

These are incredible pizzas. You have a gore, I think that's gorely.

What do you mean? You think that's gorely?

I don't know you got ham hair.

You know what? I've often looked at your hair and thought that looks like ham to me, and several times I've tried to bite it. Sona, you look beautiful in that.

Oh yeah, I know Sarah, thank you. Look at your scallion earring.

Oh my God, my earring.

I just saw that, Wow, it's a scallion.

I'm all about that earring light, it's a little.

Yeah, the first two years that I worked with Sona, she used green onions in her ears. But it's more of a superstitious thing. And then let's see the Conan, this is Conan, just post-surgery cheese hair.

That's really nice, Sarah.

Thank you.

This spot was where the other twin was.

We had to get rid of it.

Oh, what's that?

What happened to my twin? He was just malformed.

You like, separated him.

My mother, there's family lore that I was a malformed Conan twin.

I think you're the malformed twin.

No, I'm saying I'm the malformed one. The really good one went off, that's our.

I can't wait to see these things get cooked and we all get just blistered and mutilated and pizza-warded.

Mine's going to be like a religious experience, where mine becomes even more beautiful, and that's when you all realize that I am.

Maybe you should burn that one.

No, oh, come on, let's be nice here. I've always been nice to you, Sona.

Yeah, he brought out hummus with my pizza.

I didn't say to do that, I just suggested it be injected into the crust.

Oh, okay, well.

Only this crude barbarian didn't follow my orders.

Should we start with the cruel master himself and put Conan into the 900 degree oven? Yeah, let's do it.

You guys want it to be there for seven days.

I hope you sunscreened your pizza because you're about to get blistered.

This is nice. She's a very talented woman. Yes, who's looking after your daughter if your wife's here?

We haven't seen her in weeks.

Okay, you're a terrible father, but you know what it's for the podcast, so I approve. And Sona, Yes, have you checked in on your kids?

I just watched them while they were sleeping.

You know what's weird? Sona has a camera that looks at her twins when they're sleeping. She also has a camera that looks at me when I'm sleeping. Yeah, I do, too. She's had it for years as my assistant.

I have to check. Make sure that Liza's reading you your bedtime story.

Liza always read me Good Night Moon. After that, she'd read me the Final Days about Nixon's last days in office, and then I'd be like, That's what we read. The boys, Yeah, final days, Mama, Mama read us about Nixon.

Copious room.

I took a break from the drinking.

You want a little bit more, I got a little bit. Did you notice the glitter in here? Do you see that?

No, I think that's just asbestos.

Yeah, I did put a bit in.

I think you made this at an old school, I did. It was retrofitted in the 1920s.

I found a Nevada bomb shelter.

I swear to God, when I was a young lad, I ran track Newton North High School, that was our arrival, ran track there. Many times, lungs burning. Like a year or two after I graduated, they said they tore down that gymnasium because it was filled with asbestos.

I bet you would have done a lot better if there wasn't asbestos.

Yeah.

Yeah, what a handicap.

I used to say to the coach, I think it's the asbestos. I think that's the reason I came in last.

You don't want to go on a date with me? Must be the asbestos.

Acne that's asbestos.

Asbestos.

I used it for, I mean, many, many years of excuses. Didn't like my late night show. Asbestos, the important thing.

Oh, come on, you gotta warn us.

You gotta warn us, it really does sound like the Tin man from The Wizard of Oz fell down a well.

Keep on your toes, podcasters, let's go assholes and elbows stay frosty, come on.

What did you do in track you ran?

Yeah, I wanted to be a sprinter because I was pretty fast. But then they said, you're so long legged and you're getting so tall, we think you're gonna be really good. And I thought at the mile and they said, no, the two mile, so I ran the two mile and that just wasn't fun and I wasn't any good at it.

Paparazzi?

Those helicopters keep. Whenever the paparazzi senses that I'm talking about my glory days as a high school athlete, they circle. And I can't have it, I just can't have it.

Do you think it would have been different if you ran just the mile?

I think it would have been different if I had just joined the chess club.

You decided.

Oh, I knew, I knew that one day radio would go away, but then it would come back on this weird computer thing. And I would be there with my muscle-less body and my giant head and talking face. And I would lead a new revolution that would bring us to the very middle of the podcast university.

You guys.

Yeah.

Pretty great times.

My God, I feel like you just got a diagnosis of some kind.

This is where I say goodbye.

All right.

You only.

Yep.

Okay, we're still here.

I have no idea where we are in the firmament of summer s'mores.

We are in the fifth episode of the fourth episode.

Wait, say again.

We are in the fourth episode of Summer S'mores.

You don't, I want you to really actually try to say it.

We are in the fourth episode of Summer S'Mores. yes, we will have one more outdoor episode and one more in-studio episode.

Very good.

And we will do it and we will like it.

Yes, okay, well, thank you very much Dean Martin of our time. You are a testament.

He got him good with that one.

Oh, trust me, somewhere a 90-year-old man is having a good chuckle.

It's not a sick burn, it's a healthy burn.

It's not.

Well, I didn't say Foster Brooks. And that's an even kookier, smaller reference. So hey, if you're out there and you like my references, come say hi to me at the local mall. I'll be there cutting a ribbon. I have a question. I'm very excited to see the pizza art.

We will only find out if you stay tuned.

Oh my god.

We're gonna see the pizza art fully cooked next episode, and we're gonna have a special dessert treat presented by my wife Amanda.

Okay, yay, so what you're saying is that our podcast listeners should keep listening because they can listen to us. See. Uncooked pizzas turn to cooked pizzas.

If you stop listening now.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Listen up, listeners, you're about to see something that was uncooked go to cooked in an audio format. Oh, hang on to your assholes.

Cause here it comes ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

All right, Matt, take us home.

Okay, let's go home everybody. Big hugs, really, get in there and snuggle. Everybody's got great legs and we're looking forward to tomorrow.

That makes no sense. Am I the last person here that's sane?

No, I think I am.

Oh yeah, okay, yeah, you said. Hold on to your assholes.

Yeah, but that's something I mean.

I would say that any Eduardo, that's me just normal talk.

I think he's sobered up a little bit, I'm fine.

I was, I was. You stumbled on a few phrases there. Yeah, you did.

Of course, I did.

Because I've got new teeth.

Well, I'm sorry.

I don't think it's funny that a man my age has to have dentures re-fitted, and I had to have them re-fitted again tonight.

Okay, Sona, say something sane.

Okay.

No, wait, do it now.

Stay tuned.

Oh boy.

For the next episode.

Okay.

Of summer s'mores. And we'll be right back okay, and we will see how that cheese melts.

And Conan say something sane.

My name is Conan O'Brien and this is Summer S'mores, and we're waiting for uncooked pizzas to become cooked pizzas. I am as sober as a judge. Stay tuned, Brian Hold.

Summer S'Mores with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Obsessian and Matt Gourley Produced by Me Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.