The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 1

Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O'Brien Needs a friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode. To hear more about what we thought of the movie, check out Strays in Theaters August 18th.

Put aside our differences.

Put aside our differences. And we're going to read selections from Hans and Franz the Girly Man Dilemma, a title you probably couldn't use today Hans and Franz the Girly Man dilemma. Remember, it was 1991.?

We're safe, sorry.

We're going to read this more than 30 years after we wrote it. Gentlemen. First of all, I'm thrilled that we could all be here.

Dana, Good to see you all.

Robert How are you guys doing, Kevin?

Well, Kevin, I'm over the moon to be here, yeah, to see that you are still in the business.

Thank you, Kevin, stuff that we predicted in 1991..

Yeah, no, it's. It's nice that we could come together. I wanted to sort of set the table first before we begin explaining a little bit of the background of what we're doing here. OK, first of all, we're going to read this script scenes from the movie.

We didn't get Arnold.

What's that we didn't?

Arnold's here, Yeah, would you like to meet Arnold?

We couldn't.

It's a pleasure to be here.

Wow, what an honor.

Arnold just walked in.

This is incredible, it's an incredible honor to be part of this.

Finally, it's a Conan O'Brien meets a human friend podcast.

ARNOLD Amazing that you would just wander in without even being invited.

You're amazing that I would just wander in.

You're so animated.

No, I'm.

This is I can't believe I'm in the studio in last month, I'm pinching myself.

Settle down, Robert.

OK, all right. Oh yeah, he's good.

We don't want him mad at us.

Oh, right, right, right.

Let me point out quickly that Robert, for many, many years on my late night show, was the voice in the clutch cargoes of Arnold Schwarzenegger, which was one of our biggest hit characters. He would always come down and I would start interviewing him and it would always end up with him yelling at me.

And you always start with him, you know, as well.

Yeah, exactly, sort of the beginning.

It was symmetrical, yes.

I thought you looked familiar, man, Thanks man.

Yeah, Robert, this guy from mouth of Robert always had this is how low tech it was. To create a little gap in his teeth, he'd put a little piece of electrical tape, electric tape in front of his two front teeth. And always in the middle of every bit, it would start to come off, yeah.

Don't look, I have my gap is delicious.

How would we explain this impression to like rich, little or something?

I know, no, this is our Arnold.

It was an I was an imprecisionist.

Yes, exactly.

CONAN I'm a little confused. Yeah, you said you were going to set the table. When is that going to happen?

Not literally set a table.

Oh, I thought we were having a lunch or something, and I thought, I'm surprised.

All right, so that's what's happening is.

We should explain to people under 25 who Hans and Franz, Hans and Franz.

And I think we should, we should quickly. And I know that I have my minders who are sitting in the room glaring at me that I keep this thing on the track. This is going to take place over multiple episodes, we're going to read different scenes, and we'll we'll take you through everything.

I was in a hotel room in Des Moines, Iowa, I believe it was. We were on tour with Dana, Dennis and me, and I was watching up close and personal with Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he would talk about, you know what he does when he gets in the town? They were asking, What do you do when you get into town?

And it was the precision and the positivity. So I Kevin told me that I laughed, and it was just it became a poem. We did ad nauseam. It's like you get to the hotel, you do the stairs, you get a nice light sweat, you take a nice warm shower.

So you two are doing this back and forth. And then eventually this becomes Hans and Franz, these two characters who want to pump you up. And Arnold's cousins, Arnold's cousins, and they're constantly talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. And became a very popular.

But also they're very defensive, yeah, and they try to cut people down before they mock them.

They're paranoid and delusional.

Yeah, yeah.

Aggressive? What was it now?

Believe me now and hear me later.

Hear me now, that was Kevin's Hear me now and believe me later.

You know, if you think you're so smart, you know, why don't you come and do what we do? No way it's not going to happen.

Yeah, they're on a cable TV show with like three viewers and you're threatening them and they never show any feats of strength or lift anything. Because if you doubt this, yeah, we can easily, easily, very easily come to your house and you'll see in the script what that we've done.

And I never laughed more than we were writing these characters for hours, they were just so fun to do.

So then you guys and we'll, we'll talk about this, how it came about, but but we just did, didn't we? No, no, no, how those are the characters. Then there was the idea for the movie way later.

Let's just do a scene, see what happens. Yeah, I don't know.

The stage directions.

And just remind me, Am I Franz? And he is Hans, right?

You know, while you are there to pump.

Oh, ok, I got it.

No one ever knew which one was Hans and which one was Franz. OK, Here I take you now to Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma. Here we go.

Welcome to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Welcome, we're back.

As always, don't try to adjust your TV sets. This is our actual size.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you're looking at two of the most massive muscle gods you'll ever see in your life. Yeah, because I am Hans and I am Franz, and we want to pump you up.

We follow the message of our cousin, the greatest bodybuilder in the world. Maybe you've heard of him, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As they continue, occasionally cut to glazed in, different cameramen and technicians, all out of shape.

Hear me now and believe me later. We could easily grab your love handles and strap them around you like a bag, so you.

Can carry yourself out to the garbage cut to cute card man holding a card, reading, Yeah, because that's where trash, like you belongs.

Yeah, because that's what trash, like, you belongs.

Interior A bedroom. Same Rob Lowe, as his character from Wayne's World, is in bed with a woman she holds remote control. Wait a minute.

All right, let's bring out our guest.

Helmut, a flabby, shirtless Austrian man, joins Hans and Franz. He appears painfully resigned.

This is Helmut a typical person. Helmut is what you would become if you're lazy.

Interior Rob Lowe's bedroom same. Nah, this sucks. He flips to another channel. exterior ugly, white brick apartment building. The next morning. Interior Hans and Franz's studio apartment. same. A cuckoo clock wakes up.

Come on, Franz.

Interior bathroom Franz is flexing in front of the mirror exterior bathroom. Let's go.

There are some other people in this house that need to flex.

Interior living room. Later, Hans is watering and berating a sickly plant on the windowsill.

Come on, you lazy geranium or whatever that's called grow, look how scrawny you are.

Yeah, I could very easily pull you out by your skinny roots.

Yeah, you look more like a daisy. Is that what you want?

They're yelling at a plant. Yes, I'm sorry, Danny. A gangly, nervous student who lives next door, arrives at their entrance.

Uh guys, yeah yeah what.

Can you keep it down? I'm just trying to work on my thesis.

Yeah, look, how long are you going to be finished with that?

Yeah, you're going to be needing this choir business.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just hit on this whole new verbal dynamic.

Yeah, look, we'd love to chat and engage in girly talk, but now we have an appointment with a station manager.

Interior TV Executive Office Later, two young executives are seated opposite Hans and Franz. Everyone is uncomfortable. It's just that Martin Luther King is a real hero in our society.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So to describe him as Flabby.

He is, well, that's not the issue.

What you said was offensive English, please.

You're pulling our show from television.

We're sorry, there is a pause.

Look, your suits, you sit down and make decisions in your suits, and you don't know what the people want. You know the people, your suits.

Yeah, suits.

So does that change your mind?

No exterior TV studio, Hans and Franz Mill about outside the TV studio dejected.

This phase of our lives is over. it's time to start from scratch.

Yeah, yeah, get in touch with our roots. Let's bring a snack.

Interior subway car Later, Hans and Franz are in a modern subway car, gnawing on a large ham.

Well, we had already been writing some of it, I think, me and Kevin.

We weren't going anywhere with it.

And we did the first, like a lot of the early stuff. And I just said, I think it would be great to add Conan to the mix, especially. And the second half with Arnold and stuff. There's so much great details that you added to this movie that are so funny.

I just want to keep using the names Homer and Bart and everything that didn't go with our script. That is not true.

It's not true, but anyway, what I remember is we all got together on a lot. was it? the which lot was it?

It was Sony, Was it Sony or?

So we had an office, and yes, what I remember most clearly is we would get there. Robert and I would get there, and Dana was pretty prompt. Kevin would usually show up just a little late, and at the time you always had a giant shake of some kind of.

I'm still doing it today.

Yeah.

And he also, he also, I remember, especially in the early state, you, you always have these prepared, this prepared food that.

Yeah, there was a lot of that. Was Jenny Craig, Jenny Craig.

So you mixed slim fast with Jenny Craig. Well, I could kill you.

I really could, but also I had weight watchers in my freezer, so I did the three of those, I gained so much weight.

You gained 60 pounds.

It's like a Mormon diet.

That's right, that's right. And the weight watchers woman would come to my house because I would get the VIP treatment and she didn't know I had. I had Jenny Craig in the freezer.

I thought it was more like Chinese food and stuff.

But didn't you know? I didn't know you guys.

Were keeping track of what I was eating and how I was saying. This is the biggest.

Memory of the whole script, right? First of all, let's backtrack.

I was never a little late, I was the first one. There was Michael.

I don't remember him being a late type of, I don't even remember you two guys, I remember being OK.

Now you've gone too far, you have gone too far. But I was always trying to get time off from the Simpsons. I remembered they would always keep that writer's room kind of late, and we would try and grab time on weekends.

But didn't this kind of come from Arnold on some level, like I remember hearing this from you guys, that Arnold wants to be?

Well, he was on at least once or twice.

He was on Hans and Franz on Saturday Night Live.

Yeah, loved it, loved it.

There's reasons why it didn't work out, we can get to those later.

Yeah, but he thought he did want to have a major part.

And at the time, he hadn't really done anything like this yet, and he was interested in it. And I remember that I remembered thinking, well, if if Arnold also the allure of if Arnold says yes, this is going to get made so we can make this as silly as we want. Because he's going to. If Arnold says yes, all the craziness is going to happen.

Exactly, and I also, I have to admit that. When Dana and Kevin first approached me with the idea of doing a Hans and Franz movie, my first reaction was, what a horrible idea. Because there's such one dimensional characters in theory. So my first thought was, Well, what if we made it a musical that'll kill, like, you know, 25 minutes, right?

That was incredible, we got to create what we hoped Arnold's life was like in our cartoonish, childish brain.

Oh yeah, I mean, we'll get to those scenes.

Yeah, yeah, we're coming up on that.

That's a big, very heavily.

And I think Little Austria was really made me happy whenever that emerged.

Was that your idea, Little Austria?

I love that the cable car going up there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a scene that we might play, that scene.

It was fun, though, it was fun to get together and work on this thing.

This was so much fun just because the characters are. It's like the way you guys say when you laugh, when you would write these, you just can't stop laughing because they're just so high energy and so stupid at the same.

Well, the rhythms, yeah, you guys are trying to read the script, but you're not very successful, are you?

You know, and also you remember that we wrote, I mean, we all did, but we wrote at that hotel in Santa Monica, that kind of retro plays.

Yes, I remember that.

Because I have pictures of you, I sketched of you laying on the couch, playing with your shoe.

Yeah, I used to take when I was, when I was thinking, I used to take off your wingtips. I used to wear jeans with old wingtip shoes from like an Army Navy store. And I would take off one of the shoes and just look at it. When I was thinking, and you drew a sketch of it, which ended up in your book.

In my book, called I Exaggerate My Brushes With Fame, it's available wherever fantastic books are sold.

Yep, and that plug is the only reason Kevin agreed to come in.

Thanks guys, I'll see you later.

We got it, we got it out of the way.

You took a long time to work up to it, though, bro.

Oh, no, no no no no no, no no.

We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. We're very excited to have Strays as our sponsor now. Sona, I understand that you and Blake got an early screening of this movie. What'd you think? Oh, I loved it.

OK, what loser am I?

What century did you live in?

Nineteen.

How flabby were you?

I was 40 pounds overweight.

Louis Pasteur.

You're getting too good.

All right, what loser am I?

Will you?

God, I want to play that game, all right.

Steering.

Exterior A small town laundromat. Day, Hans and Franz pedal up to the entrance Interior laundromat. Same. Hans and Franz are in their long underwear, shoving their sweatsuits into a washing machine.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

Yeah, this is not the proper size.

An older woman at the next dryer has noticed them. That's what happens, these machines, you put your clothes in, you don't know what's coming out, they don't take care of these machines.

Yeah, yeah.

You're not going to get your money back, I'll tell you that they don't care.

Yeah, they don't care. Yeah, they don't care. Yeah, well, anyway, you know, we should go, we're going to Hollywood.

Can't be any worse than this.

Highway later, Hans and Franz are now joined by the older woman on the tandem bike.

Are any of these foods designed for building sheer mass?

Just what's on the menu, sir?

OK, I'll have an anabolic amino schnitzel sandwich with extra egg yolk.

We don't serve that sandwich, sir. we have a tuna or chicken salad.

You're saying you don't make substitutions.

A huge truck driver with two of his buddies belly up to the counter, next to Hans and Franz Lorraine, these characters giving you trouble. I can handle it, Boo.

Yeah, Boo, yeah, Boo. She can handle it, too.

Yeah, good, because I wouldn't want to have to kick anyone's head in.

Keep your shirt on. Yeah, Boo Boo, Boo, Boo Boo.

Yeah, don't take your shirt off or your belt because you might cause a flabberlanch.

I guess we should take this outside. They get up to leave and start backing out of the diner.

Oh, I see, yeah, very clever. We're going to pommel you and end up in jail. I don't think so.

Yeah, I still have Easter babies. We're headed for Hollywood.

They're at the door, turning back.

Wait a minute, Yeah, what now? did you say, Hollywood?

Exterior Highway Hans Franz, the older woman and the three truck drivers are pedaling on the tandem bike, which now has six seats and six wheels. O.K. Interior lair, Twilight music, impending doom. Blair's a cavernous dark room with a network of ramps leading to different levels.

How is the plan to kidnap girly men and convert them into muscle men proceeding?

You're a very slow talker.

Yeah, everything is in place.

It shall be done.

And don't forget to hurt the environment.

I think I heard you correctly, you said, Don't forget to hurt the environment.

I told you.

Wow.

You're laying it on the environment you fool, Rolf is petting a button marked hurt environment, he laughs. Villainously. Are six bikers, led by Hans and Franz. With passing highway signs Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone, National Park, Grand Canyon, a road sign with a picture of a large beer.

We were going to do.

Yeah, Roger Ebert is watching the Hans and Franz movie, taking notes. Hans, Franz and their friends all enter.

How do you like it?

Holding up quite well, wouldn't you say.

Well, not much has really happened yet.

Didn't think two sketch characters could sustain this long, did you?

Ebert Shrugs.

This is wanda.

Right, I saw, yeah.

Blake, Colin and Sam.

How are you doing?

I really should get back to. What part are you up to?

Angle on the screen Ebert is up to the beginning of this scene, with Hans and Franz entering and asking him questions. Angle on Hans and Franz watching the scene with interest.

Oh yeah, yeah, this is, this is, this is the good part right here.

Listen to look at this, yeah, this is very enjoyable.

Yeah, all right, everyone. Is he here? Let's leave him alone.

Yeah, let's go.

They noisily exit, Ebert sighs, then looks to camera.

It is good.

Oh man, good Lord, that is low.

Take care.

Hans and Franz wave once more, then triumphantly ride past the sign.

This is like my favorite reviewing the movie as it's happening.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always love the unicycle thing, where they keep taking more and more people on the tandem bike.

This part of the movie was very peewee, big adventure influence, yeah. And then the second half, I think, is more Simpsons, where it becomes a parody of Hollywood. But what's funny about the way you guys edited this? Talk about old references.

Hold it between your knees, I think, was the.

Yeah, yeah, that was in there, too. I want you to hold it, but it's just so funny. That's how old that reference is, that even your guys didn't pick up on it.

That it was a five easy pieces every day. 1973, with Jack Nicholson.

There's also some Charlie Chaplin things you cut out.

Yeah, that's true.

Every day starts with me telling my staff who I am.

But, you know, when we're reading this, I could just picture it like when we were writing it. It's almost like you could visualize what you've done already, like picking that little pin up and letting the unicycles ago. You know, if I was the director, I'd have a close up.

I also, I do think that's great, that it's funny with the sound off. I mean, I think that was probably all intentional, obviously, because our voices of Droning and Braggadocio is one lane. But then all these physical gigs, yeah.

So I'm glad that you reminded me, Dana, you brought up a really good point, which is Hans and Franz do a lot of boasting and a lot of flexing. And a lot of talking about how they're going to twist the flab around you. But when confronted by a trucker who's saying, Hey, is this guy giving you a problem? You guys are in his face? And the minute he suggests a fight, yeah, you have, you want no part of it.

Nice try. We put you in the hospital. I give you kudos. I give you kudos for your attempt.

Do you know why you're here now in this scene? because we wrote the scene for you?

If you threaten us, we could threaten you back and then walk away all pumped up. You have to look at our muscular buttocks as they recede in the distance.

I could open up the back doors of your truck and, believe me, fat would come rolling out with love, that's right.

Instead of a trucker's hat, you should wear a fatty hat because you're fat, right, Franz?

Oh, is that Hans not getting off a good one and he's unsure of himself?

Second guessing Franz is his leader.

All we did was scratch the surface here. This was our first episode. You've got to stick around, because in the next episode, Arnold Schwarzenegger himself enters the scene. Of course, he ended up not doing.

I wouldn't, I know this is Hackney, but I would not want to miss the next episode.

No, can I just tell you? When Arnold Schwarzenegger came to SNL to be in the first sketch, I remember that.

Yeah, first of all.

We couldn't believe he wanted to do it because basically we were making fun of him. Yeah, and then we realized he's coming on the show to kill us. And he came and got us that day and we were on the set and they brought us to his dressing room and his name was on the door. And it was so long, it went onto the wall a little bit, you know, and we opened the doors full of cigar smoke.

Remember that day? Oh yeah, he's in a lounge chair.

He's got a big cigar, one cigar one hand, the script we wrote from the other, and he looks through the cigar smoke to us. And he goes, Hello, fellas. Now, how am I supposed to do the accent?

Yeah, because he's, like, I said, Arnold is very pragmatic. Yeah, the more they they doing me on the show and it makes it better that I can laugh at myself. You know, other actors are very serious, but they see the joy and the comedy opens up a whole new world for me.

Yes, he was, well, this is, he went on to be a governor, he had political instincts.

He used a lot of the Hans and Franz references, too.

He did, he did. Yeah, I had trouble for it.

The New York Times wanted to interview me. I was on a camping trip, they said, What is girly, man?

I mean, they came, such a big part of pop culture. Even the astronauts on the shuttle were doing, Want the bomb you up?

Oh, and gyms everywhere. Don't be a girly man.

I mean, even in Argentina. And some of the horses were doing it, and mules were.

All right, I'm going to break it off. There. Kevin's going on one of his famous tangents. Let's get him his pills, we're going to be back. You got to stick around.

The Lost Hans and Franz movie.

Written and performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel and Conan O'Brien. Additional voice work by Matt Gourley, Sonam of Session, David Hopping and Matt Powers. Produced and edited by M.e. Matt Gourley directed by Matt Powers. Executive produced by Adam Sacks. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf.

Booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista.

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