The Lost Hans and Franz Movie Episode 4

Universal Pictures R-rated comedy Strays is the presenting sponsor of the Lost Hans and Franz movie, a special Conan O'Brien Needs a friend miniseries. Stick around later in the episode. To hear more about what we thought of the movie, check out Strays in Theaters August 18th.

That old saw.

Yeah, you've seen it once, you've seen it a thousand times. Okay, here we go.

Now it's a Popeye episode, I know.

We are his cousins.

Arnold tussles with the pumped John Ritter and Orville Redenbacher. Oh my God. Hey, if you're listening, get out your late 80s, early 90s reference card.

You know where his popcorn lives on? Everybody knows that guy.

Arnold tussles with the pumped up John Ritter and Orville Redenbacher, sending him flying into twin baby carriages.

We stayed over at his house.

Arnold punches the pumped up Paul Simon, sending him skyward. He's alive, he's alive. Simon crashes through the base of an airborne plane airplane.

Wah wah.

What a revolting development.

Oh yeah, Paul Simon would do it.

Well, he would because of Lorne.

You're right, Lorne would have said, you should do it, Paul. It shows that you're laughing at yourself. Exterior A little Austria Town Square, same.

He took a shopping for clothes.

Franz is still bragging to a girl standing next to him. Arnold climbs up on the stage as the cheering continues.

All right, listen, do you understand what happened here? This was madness. You can't wipe out girlymen. A lot of these girlymen are important accountants and graphic designers.

I am saying it.

Why without girlymen, there'd be no musclemen?

No musclemen.

Who do you think made these exercise machines? Girlymen? These machines did not just happen turning the page, licking my finger.

Hooray, hooray, hooray.

That's my Arnold.

Grandmama Yeah, we should say we wanted Arnold Schwarzenegger to play his own grandmother.

Yeah, so Arnold wearing a grandmother's.

Welcome to your wrap party.

The crowd murmurs in approval. That was a good one. Sorry to be the party pooper, the crowd murmurs again. That wasn't too shabby.

You're the pooper, I'm the pooper, Scooper.

Oh.

The crowd murmurs loudly. That was the topper so far. Rolf reaches and picks up a large barbell scoop. This Rolf flicks the barbell, firing three giant weights at Arnold.

Watch yourself, I could very easily stretch your flab so thin I could use it for dental floss.

You arrogant son of a friesenheiser. Rolf charges Arnold with the barbell through special effects. Trick photography, trick photography. I wonder why we had to say that.

So gross.

Remember, fellas, get under the gum.

It's very important. The crowd cheers, Yay.

Postpone your celebration.

The townspeople huddle in fear. Who's that?

Oh, no, it's the voice guy from earlier in the movie. You have interfered and for that you will pay the price. I do not take kindly to meddling muscleheads fouling up my work.

As Mr. X speaks, pan over frightened villagers faces, ending on helmut licking a candy apple. Suddenly, a damp t-shirt fires from the hologram and hovers.

Remember this shirt, Franz?

Yeah, I sent it to laundry, it didn't quite make it.

The t-shirt flies violently into Franz's face with a loud thwap, and he writhes in disgust. Oh the smell, the townspeople wince. Helmut continues eating. Suddenly, ten sweat socks shoot out from the hologram and hover.

Recognize these socks, Hans? I'm not sure.

Small wonder.

They've been sitting at the bottom of your laundry basket for months.

The socks fire at hans, covering him, one flies into his mouth.

Arnold.

No, not my jockstrap, please, anything but my....

The jockstrap shoots out and wraps around Arnold's face.

Craziest thing ever written.

The crowd screams in horror.

This was your idea, this bit.

Franz, the crowd screams in horror. Helmut, still watching, impassively, is jostled by a shocked villager. His candy apple is stuck to a curtain. As he pulls the apple, the curtain is opened, revealing a man operating levers.

Franz Look over there.

The hologram effects slow down.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

I don't believe it.

Hans, Franz and Arnold start moving toward the booth. The man frantically works the controls.

I said, Pay no attention, I....

The man turns weakly toward them. He is Jack Lalanne.

God rest his soul.

May he rest in peace. Jack Lalanne is a 1950s reference.

May Jack Lalanne's children also rest in peace.

Oh my god.

We pinned the whole thing on Jack L.a.

It was a bit of a stretch, yes.

In two years, they'll be reading it and they'll say, God bless Hans and Franz, God rest their souls.

Alright, so the man turns weakly toward them, and I'll just explain to anyone listening. Jack Lalanne was the original fitness workout guy from the 1940s 50s.

40s, 50s, 60s. Yeah, I'm gonna substitute Regis for him.

Yeah, the man turns weakly toward them. He is Jack Lalanne.

Lalanne.

There you go, that's right, it's me.

You worthless, hateful piece of scum, how could you?

Well, I'm Arnold, I can't do Regis now. Pick a stick of wood, divide it like a buggy. Okay, I'm an old man, I don't have a lot going on.

I should have known you're the lowest form of life on the planet.

Don't move a step closer Schwarzenegger.

Now, after this, we'll discuss our pitch to Jack Lalanne. Yeah, exactly, and Lalanne, you're the lowest form of life on the planet. Would have Ben been an 85-year-old exercise guru?

I think he would have been the first one to say yes.

He wouldn't have liked this, Jack.

Jack would have done it.

Lalanne reaches and grabs Grandmama Schwarzenegger from the crowd. He holds his gun to her head.

Well, the old gal gets it, grandma.

You vile little rodent.

I swear to God at this point, Robert, you and I are just having fun. What can we say to Jack Lalanne, who's a revered, lovely man?

Let's wait until the next line.

Exactly.

Maybe so, but this rodent bites.

So Lalanne is accepting he's a vile little rodent.

He takes the criticism and he puts it right back at him.

Grandmama expertly elbows Lalanne in the gut, then grabs him by his head and flips him over her. He lands on the ground with a huge thud, but Lalanne gets up, diving headfirst into Grandmama's gut. Arnold moves in to help.

Stay back, he's mine.

That's grandmama says that I'm just distinguishing her.

First Arnold, then grandmama.

Arnold reluctantly backs off as Grandmama and Lalanne viciously go at it, kicking, biting and pulling hair. It's an ugly standoff until Lalanne suddenly grabs Grandmama's glasses and crushes them, with Grandmama. Disoriented, Lalanne kicks her in the groin, sending her to the floor. Writhing, Arnold solemnly walks over to his humvee, lifts a side fender and pulls out a giant pump-action shotgun.

That's no way to treat a lady.

He points the shotgun at Lalanne and fires. Lalanne is hit in the head, producing a giant hole that quickly closes up. Via morph effect as in Terminator 2, Lalanne is made of liquid metal.

Now, he says yes to the project.

Nice try swatchie now. bow at my feet gentlemen. come on, everybody bow.

Lalanne raises his arms triumphantly and steps aboard his Jack Lalanne Stepper exercise machine. As the others slowly bow at his feet, he steps proudly on the machine. I am the first, I am forever. Hans and Frans, kneeling, suddenly notice the speed control knob at the foot of the stepper.

He's gone, you've killed him.

Hail to Hans and Frans Lalanne is dead.

Everyone cheers.

Arnold Look, the converted muscleman using the morph effect, Bono, Simon, Red and Baccarat set a happily return to their original bodies.

They are turning back into going men.

As it should be, and look, everyone.

The sun comes out, birds chirp, a rainbow starts to form.

The environment, it's better and still deteriorating, but, you know, at an acceptable rate.

Yeah, everyone cheers. Suddenly, near the horizon, a large mouth forms out of the ground. It is the Earth speaking.

Now, who's going to ask the Earth to do this?

Who's doing the earth? You have saved me so that generations to come may also enjoy my bounty.

I thank you all, and I know that they would thank you too.

You're very welcome, Earth.

I got you this.

A bottle of wine with the ribbon on it shoots out of the Earth's mouth and lands in Arnold's hand.

Thank you.

Aren't you going to open it?

Well, sure, okay.

The man at the store said It was your favorite.

No, no, it's great wine. Thank you, thank you.

My pleasure.

Well, I should be going, thanks again.

See you later.

See you thanks, Earth.

All the best.

The mouth dissolves back into the earth. I'm sorry, one of my favorite kinds of humor. This feels very robert to me. I don't know.

Has an awkward conversation.

And then there has to be an awkward, flat conversation of, I got you this. Oh, it's nice. Well, the guy at the store said, It's your favorite.

Oh no, oh yeah, yeah.

Like, this is a gift from the Earth to a human. And it's a bottle of wine that Arnold's, like, okay with, like, just put that aside.

I love that Arnold is such a superstar that he has sort of higher status than the Earth.

Yes, he does.

It's like the earth is drying up.

But also, what does the earth if the Earth is a player in this? What the fuck has it been doing this whole movie, I know? Now he shows up and gives some wine.

I like the conversation he has with the wine guy in the, you know, the wine store. How does the earth go in there?

The earth has to go.

Yeah, this was before Amazon, this was before Amazon.

The earth has to go.

The earth had to go.

Excuse me, yeah, I'm looking for something like in a red. I think, how much do you want to spend? A hundred's too much, but I'd go above 50..

What do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger would like the Earth? asking?

The Earth is a reasonable budget.

You can't get the earth. It's doing another movie now.

The earth is insulted. It's a big Ebert fan.

Tired of making fun of himself?

Wow, that was a great actually flossing themself with flowers.

I kind of understand why it didn't get made.

I don't know, I see now. It was all about Arnold, if Arnold had really believed in it and wanted it.

There would have been a lot of changes.

Probably.

I don't think we would have made many concessions.

Also, it starts off so surreal and crazy, then you think it could get any crazier, then all of a sudden the earth is talking.

It definitely follows a familiar pattern. It starts pretty insane, then, that is the low point, the low point.

Then it tops it.

We mentioned earlier, this special miniseries is sponsored by the new Universal Pictures movie Strays. Very excited to have Strays as our sponsor. Sona, you and Bley went to an early screening. You told me you really liked it, I loved it.

Let's see if the earth is the mic drop or do we go sentimental? I don't even remember.

This is just like a closing song, I think.

This is now all about the message of learning to live, yes.

Well, everything has to have a song in it.

That's true, there's a lot of songs, but this one, yes. This was sort of an obligatory kind of closing lesson.

Yeah, OK, here we go.

This town's been through a lot these past few days.

As Arnold speaks, all the principals and townspeople gather behind him.

But we've all learned something very important.

Yeah, we learned that galley men and muscle men can live side by side.

Oh, no.

Wait, wait, we talked about this. Remember? Oh, yeah.

Ok.

All right, music kicks in, everyone holds hands. First, Hans and Franz's literal Guardian.

Should I just sing this?

Yeah, music kicks in, everyone holds hands. First, Hans and Franz's literal Guardian Angel sings. This is the Guardian Angel singing.

What was the Guardian Angel? was that earlier in the movie?

That is from earlier in the movie. Can you tell us what was the condition?

Did he have an accent?

It was during when they were eating the letters of the Hollywood Sign. At a low point, the Guardian Angel came to help.

And was he just like a Clarence kind of figure?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

And they disregard his advice.

Yes, right, it's a wonderful life. I can eat all I want, I can eat all I want, and you'll understand I can sit on my ass. And we can live hand in hand.

Then Paul Simon.

I can get weak and fat and enjoy a kit kat.

Then everyone together.

Because it's a brotherhood of man and girly man.

Gavin McLeod sings.

I can eat mint Milanos from Pepperidge farm.

Then Sonny Bono.

I can let my ass sag and be free of harm.

I will faint before I fumble.

Every loser has his place.

Roger Reaver.

I can go to the movies and stuff my face.

Then Orville Redenbacher.

I can let myself go to hell while I work out all day, that's grandma while I work out all day.

Then Arnold sings.

Dubbed with James Ingram's voice, we can all embody pompitude in our own peculiar way.

Guardian Angel sings.

I cannot have a neck and still have a ball.

Then the earth sings.

And if nobody litters, I'm fine with it all.

Hans and Franz It's not pretty to look at, but we must understand everybody.

That it's a brotherhood of man and girly man.

So, Hans, what do we do now?

I wish I knew.

Amy steps in behind them. Oh, we'll think of something, Amy. the three of them hug, Arnold approaches.

Well, fellas, I'm on my way.

Please stay Arnold, please don't go.

My place is on the coast. You guys want a ride?

Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy.

Everything we want is right here.

What, who's Amy again?

It's like an orphan from earlier.

So it's not a romantic interest. No, it was. oh, it was.

It was a romantic interest. The joke was that they're so close that they just have one girlfriend. Oh, I forgot that it was written in a very innocent way, out of context. It looks incredibly creepy.

Yeah, it looks really creepy, it looks very strange. Let's explain, this is just sweet. No one's having sex here.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Hans and Franz both put their arms around Amy and say, Everything we want is right here. Hans and Franz cheerfully hug Arnold. Arnold approaches grandma and hugs her.

You know, we didn't really get to talk or even stand next to each other, but still it meant a lot to me. Yeah, take care, Liebchen.

So we're now getting mad about the fact that they're both played by the same person. God, it's been 30, some odd years. Arnold tears up and sadly walks away. He waves goodbye one more time, then transforms into a plane.

Yes, it's a brotherhood of man and girly man.

Aerial shot of the townspeople singing. From Arnold's perspective, the Arnold plane, wearing sunglasses, flies across the screen and waves to camera the end. Over the credits, we play a clip of Arnold in the Pride of the Yankees remake, in which he hits a homer and rounds the bases, making an Arnold quip to his opponent at each base.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, a movie that never got made.

Wow.

That was something. Do it again. I can't, yeah.

Now we have the bonus material.

At the time, I remember, even as we were doing this, thinking, how would they technically pull this off? But now I think about all the movies, LeGo Movie and how far CGI has come. You've worked on movies like with Adam Sandler, like Don't Mess with the Zohan. Yes, where I know, the script had things like, you know, John Turturro tunneling through the Earth.

I guess we thought all of these things were physically doable with some kind of technology.

We thought Arnold could really do them all, We were so impressed with him, we just thought he could do all this stuff.

He told us, he told us he could do it. That's what really happened. He told us. Yeah, yeah, I'll convert into a plane, whatever you want.

Let me ask you a question, did any official person read the script?

Oh, the Paramount people read it.

What was our feedback?

I think it was dead on arrival because of Arnold, but I think they hated it. I feel like Barry, one of the executives, was like, This is ridiculous, I think.

Really, you think it's ridiculous?

I'll ask him because I know him to this day. You do.

Yeah.

He's not going to remember, no one remembers, this is 30 years ago. Who remembers?

That's all he remembers, how shitty he was.

I know we wrote it, we wrote it in 1991. Is that right?

Yeah.

But didn't we re-reference Wayne's world? So, I'm confused.

Well, the sketch was cooking, I don't know if the movie was out until 92, early 92..

We might have added that later.

We must have, yeah.

Yeah, to try and get Lorne excited.

But I wrote a western with Bob Odenkirk called Tucson Yes, and it made the people mad that read it. They were just angry. Oh, really.

Oh, I didn't have the same experience as Bob.

I think the worst thing that can happen is just for people to read it and be bored. Yeah, I think the greatest triumph is to have a studio read your script and really love it. I think the second greatest triumph is for them to read it and really hate it.

Yeah.

Because that means you've done something.

It was hysterical. I mean, Lovitz was the sheriff, and I was the guy from Ireland who had only read about the West and was super excited. I come to the town and Lovitz is up there pleading for his life. When he ran for mayor or whatever, and there's big signs next to him. That said, if I don't clean up the town, you can hang me.

I'm sure, and they hated it. Which studio?

One guy, I don't know, probably Columbia, everything went there those days.

I wrote with Odenkirk, too. I wrote a Da Bears movie with Odenkirk, Da Bears, Da Bears, and it was similarly ridiculous.

That's the third one.

They hate it, they love it.

Or they'll never speak to you again. I'm going to read it this weekend.

I literally never spoke to the woman again in my life.

But they always say they're going to read it.

And she was really close and nurturing and supportive.

But they swear they're going to read it.

Robert and I went through a version of this when we did a TV pilot Look well with Adam West. And we were just so excited about it. And we shot it and we got pretty much.

Yeah, we got to make it.

We got to make it and we got to make it the way we wanted to make it and we were really happy with it. And we sent it to them. I'll never forget.

It's going to be great.

And just then they said, Oh, Bernie, it's NBC on the line for you. And he picked up the phone in front of us. Yes, because they had just had the screening. He was like, What's the story?

I think it's hilarious.

What do you mean? You screened it after lunch?

No one wants to laugh after lunch.

And immediately I saw my future dissolve.

I'll never forget that phone call either, because Bernie also obviously represented Lauren and the other pilot that Lauren's company had going. Which was not a Brillstein co-production, because Jack Candy wasn't represented by Brillstein, but you were, so that's why it was a Brillstein production.

He's Lauren's manager, he should be saying, Great, yeah.

OK, some good news.

No exaggeration. The first time I was with Brad Gray in the office and Bernie's office on the other side, Brad goes, You want to go say hello to Bernie? So we went over to Bernie's door. And just like you were, all I heard was what you got.

He had a giant, he had a white beard and white hair, big guy, and he was iconic.

Iconic, just the greatest, yeah.

Just an amazing, yeah, amazing person.

He was incredibly charming, we should say.

No, I love Bernie.

If Bernie had been behind Hans and Franz this movie, if he had somehow, he could have made it happen, he could have with sheer, by just yelling.

He did get a lot of shit made.

I'm not sure if this is folklore or true, but that Lauren maybe wasn't, or SNL maybe wasn't going to get a pickup for 86.

Did you ever listen to his audible book about his life?

What did I do, where did I go wrong?

All right, yeah, it's really interesting. When I was over, man, I was sad in my car, I listened to the cassette tapes.

He was a great storyteller.

He was talking about living next door to a who was the head of Disney for a long time.

Mickey Mouse?

Yeah.

He lived next door to Mickey Mouse.

Katzenberg.

No, no before that.

Eisner, Eisner, Eisner. Yeah, yeah.

He said one of his wives, his ex-wives. He was in a big argument with her and yelling and stuff out in the driveway. And Eisner came out and goes, What's going on you guys? what's what are you doing? He goes, You marry her.

You marry her, oh my God.

All right, well, we got off track here again.

A little memory lane.

Listen a little, you know, whatever, those little audio trims here and there.

You look at your team like a dog on the set, looks to his trainer, Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking over there, you know what I see? I see 12 angry men, No.

Well, they're angry, all right?

Yeah, well, this was a lot of fun. I have to say I was really looking forward to this and this did not disappoint. I forgot pretty much all of this. I did, too.

And every time I go to New York and I go buy that cable car, was it the Staten Island? Roosevelt, Roosevelt? I think that's going to Little Austria, that cable car's going to Little Austria.

Oh, that wasn't in the script that we read, but it was in the right.

Yeah.

It was in the Yeah, that's how you get to Little Austria, that's how you get to Little Austria. You get off the subway, yes.

And then you make the transfer.

Yeah, yeah.

And that was even today. When I do stand up, if I'm heckled, that's always a good go-to. If someone heckles you. Yeah, look at you, those little girly man, you think, you know, just go to that. That's the only way I do it anymore. How about you, Kev? do you do it?

I don't do it, I don't do it, I move on, I do, seriously, I do.

I can't picture him, yeah.

No, I don't live in the past like that, man, I got too much ahead of me.

Well, we've done corporate gigs in the past. This is probably the 90s. We would, they'd dress us up and we'd go out and do Hans and Franz.

Yeah, it's sad, sometimes someone will bring it up. I go, Oh, you mean Hans and Franz from the 1900s?

There's nothing wrong with that.

You listen to me, and you listen, good, Conan.

Hear me now, hear me now, believe me later. I know what I said before, but I've changed my mind.

I'm going back to Hans and Franz.

I wonder if Kubrick ever thought that. Well, 2001, Nick said. It was like, from 25 years ago, not that we're 2001, but you know what I mean.

No, you just compared yourself to Kubrick.

Yes, my favorite.

Well, this has been fun, guys, I'm going to wrap this up. Thank you for having us over here. I hope you guys enjoyed doing as much as I did. I love you guys.

Damn it, Robert just hit on my eye.

I know people listening to this, they're thinking, why don't they make a movie about us? I mean, we look the same, Arnold kind of looks older, yeah, but I mean, why not?

Aren't you the guy that won't even mention Hans and Franz in a corporate gig?

No, I said I wouldn't do them.

You wouldn't put that.

You'll make the movie, though.

I wouldn't do it, I'll talk about that, all right.

Well, I think we open this to social media and ask for donations. Nothing will make people angrier.

Hey, say kickstarter as Arnold.

What kickstarter? It's a perfect word, just get it going, come on, let's do this.

Kickstarter.

Then we make a remake of the all-time smash hit holiday classic. Jingle all the way, jingle all the way. Thanks everyone. Get down.

All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed this one. Thanks everybody. If you enjoyed this 8 as much as we enjoyed doing it, then we failed miserably, all right.

Auf Wiedersehen.

Auf Wiedersehen.

The Lost Hans and Franz movie.

Written and performed by Dana Carvey, Kevin Nealon, Robert Smigel and Conan O'Brien.

Additional voice work by Matt Gourley, Sonam Avsesian, David Hopping and Matt Powers.

Produced and edited by Me Matt Gourley, directed by Matt Powers, executive produced by Adam Sachs. Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer, Samples engineering by Eduardo Perez and talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista.

Thank you for watching.