Zach Braff

My name is Zach Braff.

And I feel so honored about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Thank you for reading that, just as I dictated it to you minutes ago.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk in blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey, it's Conan O'Brien. Welcome to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend. Joined, as always, by my stalwart companions Matt Gorley and Sona Movsesian, and a quick shout out to Eduardo.

He's our genius sound engineer here. I thought you just pushed a button when it was time for us to record, but I saw you. It looked like you were booking me an airline seat. You were on the computer for about 10 minutes. I'm genuinely caught off guard by this shout out, so that's okay.

Yes, thank you. This is the way I like my shout outs. Is I like to catch someone unawares? But don't you just push a button to record, or is it a whole process? Not quite, it's a few buttons.

But sometimes we push a button, we push a fader up, push a fader down. Okay, what, are you a Dj? What is happening? I understand, look at him.

It can't be that complicated, it is. it's not the most complicated, but it does require. You know, for instance, other people in the room can't hear me right now. You guys can, yeah.

This is the magic of a slider. Now my voice is back on all right, that's cool, so that's....

It didn't change for us. No, that won't translate. Yeah, none of the listeners will get that well on the podcast, they will hear the voice, they'll hear it, but we didn't hear anything.

And that's by design. We heard nothing, and it was like you were the saddest magician of all time. How about wait, what were you saying? What do you mean?

You're the saddest kid's magician. Yeah, no, why don't you tell us something? give us a riff, give us one of your best one-liners.

Okay, how about this four score? Oh, that's really nice. Oh, and Sona and I can just talk, we can just talk.

We don't have to hear him exactly. Could we keep that? Like, lock that button, and how do you actually put a screw into a button so that it doesn't? Can you just put a heavy pebble on that button so that it's always operating?

Yeah, I have that by default now. We haven't talked about this before. But is there a way to affect my voice? So I have more testosterone? wait, the sound, or just so you actually as a human get more testosterone. I actually want to have more testosterone.

There is a way we can introduce things like reverb to your voice, for instance, it would sound like this, Oh okay, hello, hello.

Well, that just sounds like I'm the same guy, but I fell in a well, does that sound at all? Like when you have your voice inside your head, talking to you and criticizing yourself, Yeah, let's do that. This is me in childhood.

Go ahead, okay, here we go.

God, what's wrong with you?

Wow, that was cool. So here's a chorus effect. Can you guys hear this? Yeah, test, test, test.

Oh, okay, you sound like Hal 9000 Gourley, Oh my god, hal, open the pod bay, hal.

Cone Open the pod bay. I'm sorry, Gourley, I can't open the pod bay. I have to travel all the way out to Goddamn Jupiter, and you're the voice of the computer, that's right, Gourley.

You'll be trapped with me forever, oh my God, and I'm in control of the ship. I've had all of your fancy bakelite clocks that you purchased at the Rose Bowl Swap Meet and arranged fastidiously in your house on your special shelf. Destroyed. What's that big space baby doing out there?

It's growing, it's a fetus now, but soon it will grow to so much more. Gourley I have one question. Yes, we're here in deep space, and you're in a spaceship, and it's the future, and you're wearing a cardigan.

Yeah, you're goddamn right. I am you shithead.

Okay, Gourley, Hey Hal, I got a question for you. We're out in deep space, you're a computer, that's right.

And you're wearing some kind of athleisure zip-up sweater. It was sent to me by Mizzen and Main.

It's a freebie because I read an ad. Higher forms of life always take advantage of a freebie. Mizzen and main athleisure wear for the computer in deep space.

That's fun, it's fun to play with those. I'll have more for you next time, I promise. All right, good, well, I think, you know.

All right, well, that was fun playing with the voice. We're going to work on that. Eduardo, but also a serious shout out to you. you do an amazing job. thank you. Insult to come.

My guest today.

Now you're just handing out IOU insults instead of even having the energy to do it. Hey, I don't got one right now, but I'll get you later. EDUARDO Oh, my god, that's both insulting and just rude.

And lazy? Yeah, lazy and lazy. Oh my God. Yeah, well, I'll get you later.

With a really good.

Sick burn to come, all right, well. My guest today is an actor, writer and director who played J..D. for nine seasons on the hit TV series Scrubs.

He now has a new film, which he wrote and directed, called A Good Person Out Now.

Zach Graff Welcome.

You know, it was so nice. You light up a room. I'm going to say that, thank you. I had a Christmas party not long ago and at the last second....

I crashed it well, you didn't crash. A mutual friend revealed that. He said, Is it okay if I bring my friend Zach Graff? and I said, What do you mean? is it okay?

Who's unhappy to see Zach Graff? Thank you, you are a very well-liked fellow. Well, it was a very fancy party. I mean, you have a lot of friends.

I know the gag here is that you need a friend, but you have a lot of fancy friends. Well, that's no. That's everyone who's done the podcast. And when you sign the release, it says, you have to go to my Christmas party. But it was really....

But I love the phrasing of, Is it okay if Zach Graff comes? Well? What happened was our mutual friend said he was going. And I was like, Wow, I love Conan, and I'm pretty sure after all these years, I have a pretty decent sense that Conan likes me. But I'm not. I haven't been invited to the party.

Because I didn't.

I mean, first of all, no. I mean, we don't hang out socially. We have a couple of times, but not that much. But anyway, so I said, I think I....

And he goes well, obviously, be respectful. I'll just call and ask and I got a yes and I was like, Oh well, now I got to look good for Conan, yeah.

Because I felt like it was a bit of an audition. You were wearing a gorgeous gown when you came in, beautiful silk. That was a contender for the Emmys, and I said, You know what?

But, you know, I saw you and immediately we're hanging out, We're having a really good time and everybody was excited to see you. Yeah, I should point out.

Yeah, of course no, they were, but I should say, I keep saying, our mutual friend, our mutual friend, we should reveal it's Mr. T.

Mr. T I wish it was, Mr. T. It was....

Wouldn't it be cool if the three of us just cruised around and had fun? It's Bill Lawrence, who is an incredible friend of mine and mentor to me. And he created scrubs. He created one of the creators of Ted Lasso, and is one of the creators of this new show, Shrinking.

And he's one of my best friends and also been a huge big brother mentor to me, who is also your friend. Yeah, he's a very good man, extremely talented. Yes, very funny.

Great guy and yeah, so I was so glad that he brought you along and that made me think, man, we got to grab this guy for the podcast, thank you. And I left the party thinking I need more cool friends because I only have a few friends.

And they're cool, I love them, but you have a lot of cool friends. Yeah, I guess I'm or is that just a Christmas party and you're just stacking it?

Yeah, yeah, it's all stacked, and you see that most. I hung out with Paul Rubens at your house. Isn't that crazy?

I've met Paul and he's very sweet. He sends me a Christmas card and a birthday card every single year. But I never hung out with him socially other than to meet him. Very sweet guy. Couldn't have been nicer.

And he was at your house and I was just like, I can't believe I'm chilling with Paul Rubens. Also, the urge to call him Pee Wee is so strong, I don't no, and you have to call him....

He is Paul, he's Paul Rubens and you get used to that, but I've been with him when people are like, Pee wee.

It's not Pee Wee. now, he's Paul, he becomes Pee Wee. I'm sorry I did that.

I love Pee Wee. I think you did, actually, I did, did I?

I don't think I did, No, I'm pretty sure you did. I loved his show when I was younger, of course. Well, it was revolutionary.

I had the doll that you pulled, the string, I had Cherry that you put him in. Yes, well, also, it was so revolutionary because it was that show that you could watch on two levels. Yes, absolutely.

There were kids watching it, just loving Pee Wee, and then there were all of us watching it on this completely different level. It was so subversive and cool in a way, it was kind of that before the Simpsons was that.

Right, right, I think that's fair. I feel real weird telling you that, but it was an early thing.

That was, kids will get it on one level, adults will get it on another. Yes, there's all kinds of stuff going on in the Simpsons that you now watch. I mean, I think the Batman series of the 60s was the same thing where you can watch it.

Wow, Batman got the joker. But when you're a little older. Or when you're seeing it and you're watching it and you're thinking, Oh my God, they're making all this commentary on all this insane stuff that's going on in the world. And instead of what is the mayor of Gotham? is mayor linseed, as in linseed oil, instead of, Yeah, Lindsey, who is the mayor of, you know? And it's also so campy, which as a kid, I didn't clock or understand. You don't understand that we're not meant to understand.

Yeah, but now you watch it and it's hilarious because it's like he has bat shark spray on him when, just when they encounter the shark, you know?

Well, there's so much. I'm really happy because we've. I think you did my various late night shows, you were on like 11 or 12 times and always a reliably great guest. And and I thought in that format, I couldn't really get to know you. Because it's, it's, it's a very different situation. There's a band and it's you've got seven minutes with Zach and then we move on, you know, we go. And I thought I'd really like to get to know this guy.

And I started to do looking into your past and I was really surprised by a couple of things, which is, I didn't realize you grew up in this. It's sort of a religiously schizophrenic situation where your dad is Jewish and your mom is Protestant. She converted before they got married because he was super into Judaism at the time, and and he wasn't going to marry a non-Jewish woman.

So she converted, she was Protestant when she met him, and he said, I love you, but you would definitely need to convert for this to go further. And she, she didn't really have much connection to her religion, and she was interested and she was very in love.

And she said, OK, I'll do it, I love you and and I don't like really connected to my own religion, so I'll do it. And then she, as what as what happens with some people? She got super into it, like, made my dad more more religious, like she made the family kosher.

And this is not uncommon. This is quite, I mean, I've heard of this and I've known people that have gone through this. Where someone converts and then almost because it's new to them, they they go farther. Yeah, because also I think some of those people are looking for a thing, looking for a passionate group, or or, or religion. And then when someone provides it with them in a really educated way, they go all in. They're like, this is amazing.

I haven't had this. So it was kind of funny that then we were. Then we were like, really religious and kosher. well, so I wasn't born yet, but by the time I was around, we were kosher.

And, you know, as far, even as extreme as. Like doing separate dishes for meat and dairy, and like, for real kosher. And and it's. It's surprising me as someone who was raised Catholic, when I've had years ago. I remember talking to a friend who's another comedy writer who is very orthodox, and he had just moved into a new apartment. And there are things that are that took me by surprise. I remember talking to this friend of mine once and he said, Yeah, I can't talk right now. There's a rabbi here with a blowtorch.

And I said, what? And he said, Well, he's in the kitchen. And there's a special rabbi that comes who uses a blowtorch to burn out any trace of. I'm guessing, pork or shellfish or anything that could cause. They call it treif, which is, I don't know if it's Yiddish or Hebrew, for things that are not kosher. I was told we never did this, but that if we messed up, we. The plate would have to be buried in the backyard. Like, if right, if you, if you put meat and cheese on that, on that plate, it was.

It was done that way. We're going to have to. We know no one's ever followed through on this and I don't know if I'm, I'm.

I'm naive, if, if, to know if, if people who are super religious orthodox really do that. But that was sort of in the back of my childhood brain, was like, don't mess up, or this poor plate's going to get buried. They should use them. It's a pet.

You know, it'd be great if they use them for skeet shooting instead, you know? It's like, Oh, wait, a little bit of cheese on that plate. And then suddenly it gets fired in the air and a bunch of rabbis with shotguns shoot it to pieces. Rabbis with shotguns doing skeet shooting. I just love that.

They were just like, and that's, they were specialized, that's what they did. They had guns, they were ready to go and they would shoot these, these Treif plates, I love Treif.

TREIF I've heard that before, I've never heard that one. I wish that was my rap name. Do you need a rap name?

Are you rapping? I am rapping and I'm DJ Treif. I don't know if you, I think I think I more likely go to an Israeli rapper than you.

I rap about all the things that are treif and that we can't eat. What was funny is that my what was funny, that so my mom? Then they got divorced when I was around eight, and my new stepfather was not into this at all.

So, and then my mom again being in love and accepting a new life was like, Yeah, forget about all that. What? But what a whiplash for you, exactly you're going.

That's because I was in joint custody, so we would go. My sister and I, I have two older brothers who opted out. But my sister and I would go a week with one and then a week with the other, and we were with my mom.

We were not kosher and not religious, and we were with my dad. he was strict, kosher and religious. It was. It was a trip and so.

And then when I was when I turned 13, I had a bar mitzvah and I did this sort of jujitsu move on him. Because he was all about how, now you are a man. And I said, Well, if I'm a man now, I would like to eat a cheeseburger.

Right? But then he knew I was battling this thing of, like, mom's house, one week, his house, and so it became like, when you're in my home. I want I ask that you respect being kosher, but but out in the world and whatever. You are a young man now and you can do whatever you want. So many people that if your name comes up, I think the first thing they would think is because they they know you, you know, primarily as this performer on screen.

And you're very likable and chipper seeming, and I happen to know that a lot of anxiety when you were young. Yeah, was that? Do you think it was that stem from the divorce, or do you think that was just a natural condition?

I think I definitely was a very anxious child I got I got diagnosed with OCD is a very young. I was doing a lot of the tapping stuff that that people suffer from. Yeah, it would, it would manifest in a weird way.

Like, the example I give to people who had never experienced any of this at all is you're a child. And you say, if you don't kiss that teddy bear six times before you leave the room, something bad could happen to the family. And then, even as a young in your young brain, you go, I know that's not real, probably, but just to be safe, let me do it exactly. Do I want to risk it? Why risk it?

Right, it's like superstitions from for regular people like, you know, you don't walk under a ladder, you don't do this, you don't do that. But it's for in a child's brain.

It's like, why would I possibly? why would I possibly risk it? But then then the kisses of the teddy bear, you didn't quite get right. It looks felt like you did I do six total. I think I miscounted.

The bear doesn't look satisfied.

The bear is seeing someone else.

The bear, the bear love has gone out of this. Once the sex goes, it's over, says the bear. That's hilarious. I never thought of it like that, like the bear was like, give me more.

Yeah, but but anyway, so there was a lot of that tapping stuff and and and yeah, I think, of course, the divorce was stressful and joint custody is stressful. And you know, you would get settled in one home then Sunday, you'd have to switch to a completely different environment, right?

And my sister and I would be quite upset because both environments were so different. And then it would take till, like Wednesday, to kind of get acclimated, right, and then and then you move Sunday. So there was a lot of stress.

I don't, I don't mean to blame that on my parents entirely. I think some of it is genetic. And I was an anxious boy. Yeah, I relate to that, just because I think I had, and, and you know, my parents stayed together.

I tried to get them to separate. I'm still working on it. My dad just turned 94, my mom, oh my God.

And I still, I think it's time now that they I said, Look, just try living separately for a while. I think they should see other people. Are they close? are you close?

What's that? Are you close to get them to do it? I think I'm pretty close. Several times I've driven my father to a motel, uh, but he won't get out of the car.

You drove, I say, Look, it's nice, it's a that's a comfort hotel. Single newly single at 94 sounds pretty bad.

Yeah, any hotel that still says free HBO on the sign, you know, they haven't changed that sign since 1983. Um, but, uh, it's. It's interesting how I'm curious if you're a people pleaser.

Do you think you're a people pleaser? Yeah, I want. I'm definitely suffered from trying to have everybody like me. I mean, that's when we're doing what we're doing, it's it's, it's quantitative.

You're like, how many people watched, how many people tuned in, how many people laughed. How did it go? You can watch your, you know, we've both lived this life.

I did on scrubs, you did on all your shows, like, what were the? What's the metric of how liked you were last night, right? Which is crazy because it's all changing.

So we're living at a time when it's changing at a rapid, rapid pace. I read the other day that the finale of Mash had 70 million people watching. Yeah, and then when we think of, uh, uh, the the example like Sopranos, which is now sort of antiquated, even as an example. But the 3 million people were watching that, right?

And so now, in 2023, you know, barely anybody's watching, people are popping champagne corks. If if they got like nine people to watch, uh, everyone's saying, wait, wait, we've, we've. It's three seasons guaranteed, yeah.

Um, yeah, it's, it's, it's a really so so so. I think you and I, um, had that experience. Because we a lot of our a chunk of our career was like, Well, how well did you? what? What are the metrics of how well you did last week?

You did theater, uh, as you know, as a kid, you're coming along and then you get this, this big break with scrubs. Yeah, I had a couple of jobs as a as a child actor, um, I had a pilot for Bruce Paltrow, for CBS, that didn't go anywhere.

And I didn't know that pilots didn't go pick up. I was getting picked up. I was 14 years old and I was like, what does that mean, not get picked up?

I have a gift basket and there's a card that says, Welcome to the CBS family. I think we're making more. And they were like, it's so confusing when you're young, yeah.

And when you're an adult as well, it's also, yeah, so then and then and then. Um, when I was 18, I got cast in Manhattan Murder Mystery, Uh, as Woody Allen and Diane Keaton's son, Uh, in a scene. So my very first movie role was a scene at the 21 Club with Woody Allen, Diane Keaton and Angelica Houston. Oh my god, so you went right to the deep end of the pool.

Yes, and then I didn't know, you know, when you're 18 and you get that part, you're like, Do I? I had gotten into Northwestern Film school, it was like, Do I do I go to school? do I stay and ride? This momentum, cause it was a big deal.

But I decided to go away to school and study filmmaking for four years to to learn how to do that right. That's, that's, I think, a very wise move, clearly, and it's clearly worked.

Thank you. And then I ended up at long story short, I ended up, um in L.A. waiting tables, and um, and then while I was waiting tables here in in 2000, I got scrubs. It's interesting, I think you've described. One of the darkest periods of your life was between when you got scrubs, but the period between getting it and production starting.

And I'm thinking, explain that because you'd think that would be just a delightful time, or was it? Did it? Just were you filled with fear and anxiety and imposter syndrome? I think I was excited, but also my anxiety oddly spiked a lot. I think it was probably like, Oh no, it's real now and you're going to be judged, and it's not, you're not hiding out anymore.

Like, but it, but it kicked me in the ass because I, um. I had been wrestling with this movie, the beginnings of this movie, that I had started collecting pieces of the idea in film school. And then when I got out of film school, I really felt all these feelings. I moved back home and I, but home didn't feel like home. And I had this kind of thesis, that is this what became, and it had it all in pieces.

And then it became. It was the beginnings of Garden State. And when I had that time between, oh, I could quit my waiting job and we're not shooting for a while. I kind of said, Well, come on, man, this is if this isn't, if it's not now, when? So I really sat down over those months in that sort of space and, uh, and wrote the the real, true first draft of Garden State. And this is just as before a scrubs is. I was like 20, I was like 24 years old. What I can relate to is I remembered hating the time between when I was announced, Hey, this guy is going to take over for David Letterman.

This is way back in April of 93 and the start of the show. Because I remembered wanting to be judged by my work, and I remember there was just this, No, I hadn't done anything. I kept thinking, love me or hate me? I just want to start making stuff and then at least we can have the conversation.

Right, right, for a while, I was just for a couple of months, I was just like, extraordinary pressure.

Yes, because everyone's like, Who? Oh, how dare you? That's my father, that's why I take him to the motel.

I Yeah, I mean, it was. It was, uh, yes, there was all of that insanity, and I remember just thinking, can we at least have? And then, once I could start making stuff, people could hate me and we could be specific about why you hate me. I never thought I would lie. I mean, it was too good to be true from my situation. The Scrubs pilot. It felt like it was written for me.

I mean, Bill Lawrence and I, right off the bat had such the same sense of humor. It just felt so too good to be true. So I just thought, you know, I was living so frugally that this pilot, and like a couple of these episodes, I could live for years off this, right, literally.

Right? And my mom was like, why did you quit your waiting tables job? I'm like, Mom, I'm, I'm set for, like, the way I've been living. Like with, like, you know, you know, a burrito for lunch and PB and J for dinner. I am good for years on this salary from this pilot. And um, and then it took off, and then it really, I didn't. I didn't have to go away tables ever.

I think another thing, too, that's it's lightning in a bottle, but I think really good shows. Um, and and this is a credit to to Bill Lawrence. And that team is finding the right people. And and it's it has to be. At some point, there has to be, like, divine intermittent intervention. But pairing you and Donald phase on is this gift that keeps giving and and your relationship you could. You could see it on the show that you guys really clicked and you had a kind of relationship that I hadn't seen two young men have before on a show.

You're constantly hugging each other and telling each other you love, I love you. Yeah, uh, it was, it's so sweet. Well, I think it was funny. I think he was also doing a commentary on on masculinity himself.

And I think Bill was trying to to show, you know, it became the term bromance, right? But like to show. Two best friends who love each other so much. They happen to be straight, but in in in in all other ways. They're in. They're in love, they love each other, and they just all they want to do is spend time with each other. Bill, That's what I think was so great about.

What the characters that Bill created, and of course, Donald and I really word that like, we met, well, you could tell, you could tell, I could tell that. Like, watching the first season, I was like, Oh, they're also, uh, screwing around, uh, acting like idiots, um, off camera, probably annoying. Well, we met, we met at the we literally met at the table read, and it was love at first sight.

And and we became those characters. And then it fed itself. Because Bill would be like, What did you guys do this weekend? And we tell him some insane story? And then, a week later, it would be a version of it in the script for the characters. Because we were, we became best friends, and we were up to so many fun, crazy antics together and we were inseparable.

And to this day, I mean, I'm, I'm godfather to his kids, he's my best friend. We we do a Scrubs Rewatch podcast together, we're doing a t-mobile campaign together. You know, I was going to tell you that you get inundated with all these ads and you go okay enough already.

And then I'm watching TV one night. And this ad came on where a doorbell rings and Donald opens the door and you're there, and no lines are spoken during the ad. You're just holding up signs, you know, it's an homage to love, actually. Yeah, it's an homage to love, actually, but you're just holding up those signs. And and no one's saying anything. And it's about your affection for each other.

And then also happens to be a t-mobile ad.

And I love. I rarely really like an ad, but every time the ad came on, it kind of made me happy. It did not make me get t-mobile.

Okay, wait a minute, I'm getting t-mobile, I'm switching just because of that ad.

But I thought that's rare that you can find two guys that can do that in an ad and not speak. And you both are so skilled, you're saying it all with your faces. Well, those ads are so funny because we shoot them on a cul-de-sac in Santa Clarita, and first, it was just one.

It was the Superbowl ad last year, we did a West Side story spoof, right? And it had such an insane reaction.

And it was like, I think the number one or two ad of views wise. And so they just kept coming back to us. And the funny thing is, the whole concept is that we live next to each other in this cul-de-sac, so this cul-de-sac of people. We're like, we've shot like seven ads there now, and they're just like, they've, like, unionized all the houses.

I love that they've gotten super savvy. Oh, as they should, of course, but I mean, so there's been so many of them. And that one, the one you liked, was just an idea.

The guy behind it, who's the Don Draper of all, is a very talented, funny man named Brian Klugman. And that one was we had shot a different ad and he said, I have a funny idea. But if we have enough time at the end of this spot, let's just bang it out real quick as a proof of concept. And we did that, we shot it in one, not the one you saw, but we shot it in one take.

And they sent it off to T-Mobile and they were like, Yes, that's the Christmas campaign. We actually came back to make it look better and put fake snow on the ground, but it had been sort of just a little spec thing. That was a afterthought.

Well, that's how the good things happen. So many, so many of the best like hits in rock and roll, where this will be a b-side. Let's just I don't even like this one. And then it becomes satisfaction, you know? But having a kind of relationship like that with someone in this business and having everybody be able to read it instantly, like, Oh, great.

It's it's those two, they're together again. Because it's authentic, I think people know when things aren't authentic, and that is most certainly authentic.

I mean, we're, we're, we are best friends, we talk every day. We. It's funny because his his wife is also Um is one of my best girlfriends, we female friends, and so we're on this text chain, the three of us.

It's like a throuple.

Well, now it's getting kinky. Well, friends with zero benefits, but um, but anyway, they're, they're my best friends, and so it's, it's, uh, it's uh, it's real. Have you ever been gotten?

Has Donald ever given you a signal? Enough? Already? My wife and I need to go see, we'd like to go to this movie without you. No, no.

They let me, I think you're not picking up, no? They have plenty of time for their sexual relations.

I, I'm not, I'm not like, I'm not like to leave me on FaceTime in the corner of the room while you guys hook up.

Well, I only bring it up because I have that relationship with a couple of people where I insist that I'm in the background on FaceTime all the time. I enjoy it, it's erotic, I love, I love them, as we do everything together, it's fun.

Uh, so I'm trying to think of the chronology, because as scrubs ended completely when you do Garden state. I was very young. It was, it was the um. It was, I think, after the second or third season of Scrubs, because I i, um, my, my second, my first hiatus from scrubs. I was in a production of the 12th Night at the Delacorte Shakespeare in the Park in New York, which had always been a dream of mine. And then I remember, while being there, writing Natalie Portman a letter because I had I. She was my first choice. I didn't ever think she'd say yes, but she was like the archetype of who I've shared, yeah.

And um, and I knew that she had done the seagull there, so I thought, Oh, this will be a good angle. I'm sitting in the same dressing room where she once sat and I'll write her a very personal note to saying, Please consider the script. And then she said, yes, over over, that, over that season two, so we may have, it may have been after season two or three. I forgot, but we shot in 2003, whatever that was.

I mean, first of all, getting Natalie Portman and and this is your directorial debut. And I'm young, very young, very young. And I remembered at the time it being it. You know, you're stepping out of your comfort zone to say, like, I'm on this successful sitcom. Everyone knows me as this guy, as this character, but I am going to make this movie. And it's something that's very vulnerable, saying like, Hey, here are the things I've dealt with here, I mean, it's very it was. I had so much chutzpah when I think back.

I didn't know what, I didn't know, you know what I mean, Yeah, but that's, that's another gift, too.

It is is to be. I mean, were I to get in a time machine now, knowing everything I know? And someone said, Okay, it's 1993. What you're going to do is, I'd say, No, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, no.

And that's going to be painful and awful, and I'm going to get knocked around. And no, I'm just going to stay right here in this armchair because it's great not to know. Yeah, I didn't know anything.

It's a superpower, it's a superpower, that's a great way to put it. And so, and and and amazing things happened. I mean, it became a, you know, no one wanted to to fund it.

At first, no one knew, you know, it was a. It was a sort of different kind of screenplay, where the third act should go. The character just go off on a quest for a piece of jewelry. We've never heard about it. It didn't really follow a. I was being a little bit brave with with structure.

And um, and so it was hard to find someone to to to make it. And then I, I did. And then we had a a really meaningful Sundance sale, and then it went on to become a really successful. How terrified.

It all worked out so well, but how terrified just knowing you, how scared were you? I always try to delineate. I've never been in this film business, I've always been in a let's get in there.

Think of a couple of ideas. Okay, these seem pretty good, let's get out there and do it.

Bang seemed to like it, Let's go, What's the next one? or a crowd didn't like it. Well, we'll get them tomorrow.

Yeah, and this idea that you're putting that much time and so much of yourself into something, and you're so young. And then it's all. It's coming out. Yeah, it's coming out. How scary must.

It was terrifying, it's, but I feel the same way now I have a new movie coming out. It's so you're so vulnerable, but what else can you do?

I mean, I think, when you, when you choose this career, it's like, what else are you going to do? You have to, you have to do it, you have to make stuff and go okay here, world. But in the spirit of not knowing what I didn't know, I had never, I'd never put myself out there scrubs, I was hiding behind the great Bill Lawrence.

I just, I just did what he said to do and improv some jokes and and it worked. But I, he was, he was the face of it. I mean, in Hollywood at least. Um, Garden State was the first time saying, Hey world, uh, this. These are some of my thoughts and feelings. Um, uh, love them or hate them, and so that's terrifying. Yeah, you said, Hey, now you're going to listen to me?

See, no, you say, Hey, please look at this, No. But I remember at the time you doing a lot of interviews and you had a big cigar. No, you're thinking of somebody else. I'm thinking of, uh, guys and dolls.

You're thinking of whenever they do, like old, like movies, parties, like a pound. You, let's talk about a good person. Because I watched this last night and you did an amazing job. And you have, you wrote this, you, uh, directed it. I don't want to give away too much, but it is a. It is a heavy movie in places. Uh, in, in, but it has to be, I mean, you're talking about, uh, the. The main character, who's played by Florence Pugh, goes through this incredible, very intense situation early in the film. That, uh, that reverberates throughout the rest of the movie.

But I mean, the cast, Morgan Freeman, I mean, he's pretty extraordinary. I just was I, How do you get Morgan Freeman to do your movie? Well? Um, I'll start with that. I had I had made a studio sort of heist film, uh, it was a remake of Going in style with With him him, uh, Michael Keaton and Alan Arkin.

And so we had a relationship. Um, but I, I never thought he was even a possibility because this was a little tiny budget indie. And Morgan doesn't usually do those um, um. So I wrote the movie for Florence, um, we were, uh, in a relationship. And I just think she's the most incredible young actress on the planet. I was, I, I was and am in awe of her, and and I was dealing with a lot of grief.

Um, um, so which I can talk about more if you want, but the but I'll just circle back to Morgan. I wrote this piece, it was about I wanted to mix, uh, the story of grief with humor, because I don't want anything that's too maudlin. I mean, yes, there's a lot of drama in the film, but there's a lot of humor as well.

Yes, there is, yeah, and um, and so, uh, it was a real, it became real, and I said, I'm just going to start with, uh. And there was a character of a senior citizen who I wanted to be some great acting legend, and I thought, Well, why don't I? This is crazy.

He's never going to do it because we can't afford to pay him the Morgan Freeman amount of money. Um, but I do know him and I know he likes me, so let me try. And, um, I remember Florence was. We were in my my den and my phone rang. And the times Morgan and I have communicated. It's never been over a phone call, it's always been very curt texts. But my phone rang and she held it up and it, said Morgan Freeman.

And, uh, I grabbed it. I was like, she's like, answer it, answer it, and I picked it up. And he said, I see myself on every page of the script. Oh wow, that's fantastic.

And that's when, um, my life changed again, and he said, Um, he goes. I don't normally do, uh, this, but meaning attach myself to a movie that wasn't even really fully set up yet. Um, but, but I'm with you. And then, of course, we were, we were on our way to being made. It's so crazy.

Cause, I mean, that's an amazing story in and of itself. But also, Morgan Freeman has the most next to, like, James Earl Jones, the most iconic voice. Uh, and especially voiceover voice. Yeah, he used to be my, uh, voicemail message. Um, because he lost it when we were, when we were making going in style, uh, he, uh. He lost a bet to me and my prize was that he was my outgoing voice.

What was the map, what was the message? It was like, Hello, this is Morgan Freeman. Zach can't come to the phone.

Zach can't come to the phone, he's with Andy Dufresne. I just, I guess, I just miss my friend. I miss my friend because hope is a thing that you have to hang on to. Uh, it'd be great if it just kept going and going and going.

The penguin must sit on the eggs. Wait, we're doing, we're doing that now.

He does have the most beautiful voice. Oh my god. Well, I mean, he's fantastic, and I mean, God. Florence Pugh is incandescent. She's, uh, she's next level.

Yeah, and and uh you, but also there's Molly Shannon as well. Molly Shannon. uh, playing the mom uh is is terrific. You know what I, what? What I like is I'm drawn to stories where everybody's vulnerable. I think we all have our own stuff, and and and not me.

I would accept you really. Yep, that doesn't at all. Check with what we know of you. I think you have a skewed view, but I anyway is there, uh, you know, cause I'm thinking.

Again, I'm trying to put myself in in in your place, which is impossible. But if if I say cut and then I have to go up and give Morgan Freeman a note, you know what I mean? I just it feels like it would be you. Yes, you are. uh, you are. You have earned the right.

You're a proven director and you've this, you're the writer, director of this film, and you've you've earned the right. But still, it's Morgan Freeman and you must flash back to. I remembered when I was working at Chili's.

With Morgan Freeman, but it was his Chili's, he was the manager. Um, it's funny you say that. Well, first of all, Morgan really only would prefer to do one take of every single thing. Um, but as a director, that's usually impossible, because, you know, there's multiple. Morgan Freeman is truly almost always perfect. But you know, there's, there's an, there's a background person that crossed in the wrong spot or the camera was out of focus.

So you, you often are in the position, as a filmmaker, of saying, Okay, that was an awesome take one. We're going to go again. And then you would hear, why? Oh my god.

And then I'd be like, Morgan, you were awesome. Um, we can do better with the camera, and also can we change those blinds and can you not cross when, when? That? You know, you're directing the movie like you normally do. But. But part of it is like, he's, he's very um, he teases, like that, He's very um. He's like, but that's his, that's his vibe.

But, I mean, a little bit of it is like, let's keep moving. But he knows I'm going to do more than one take. And in terms of directing thing, I would say the best analogy I can use with someone like him or someone like Florence Pugh. You're not teaching or telling them how to act, right, you're having a. It's analogous to a conductor who has a genius. First violinist I, I can't play the violin like that person can, but I can say I need to hear the bassoons a little more. So at that section, can you quiet down?

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, so I'm not going to him and being like, Bro, what are you doing?

Morgan, Jesus, Morgan, what the hell was that? I'm going to him and engaging in a conversation, going, do you think that maybe in this scene it should be more X? Because later we're going to do Y? And then he? And then, more often than not, he's like, right?

That's good, let's do that, let's do that. So if I had gone up to him and said, Hey, Morgan, it's called acting, that would have been horrible.

Let's give it a try, shall we? That wouldn't have worked.

Shortest directing career ever Conan O'Brien was a movie director for. It says here eight seconds for one take. Yeah, for one take. You wouldn't.

Even you wouldn't even gotten the wow, oh no, oh, I know what would have happened. Suddenly. He's not there and people are packing up equipment.

I also think as an actor, obviously not of that stature, but as an actor myself, I want direction. Whether you're a super famous director or it's your first film, I want you. This is your thing. I want to be steered. please steer me, you know what I mean?

Right, I mean, I find it all fascinating because it's not my world. And I'm so impressed by it because I know how much work goes into it. The times I've had any glimpse at all of movie making? I just think, Oh my God. I know people want to visit and then they come visit and they're like, this is so fucking boring.

Right, they're adjusting that light for six hours. Anytime anyone comes to visit a set for the first time, they're like, I can't believe how slow and boring this is. Well, because I think your average person and I'll include myself when you go to a movie set, especially when you're if you're younger. You think that if you're going to see a movie, like 48 hours, you're going to see, you know, you're going to see Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy in a car, firing guns, smashing through things and saying funny things.

No, you're not going to see that at all, you're going to see someone opening a door with, Okay, let's try it again. Different angle. Nope, fix that light.

Yeah, that's what you're going to see. Can someone oil the hinge? Why do we go with brass hinges? You know, let's let's, let's take 20 and change the hinges out.

Let's throw those hinges out.

The new hinges are squeaky, we need to oil the new hinges. He's really someone should do a blooper reel where it's all that stuff. Well, you know, it's incredibly boring. Have you ever seen living in oblivion?

No, no, I haven't. That's a great movie, that, and it's an older movie, I think in the nineties, I mean, not that older. But it's a great spoof of of making an indie movie and I highly recommend it. Who's in it? It's Peter Dinklage, is one of his first films, right?

And Catherine Keener Maybe I have saw it a long time ago, a lot of the nineties for me.

What's clever is that they when they're doing the when they're when it's all the behind the scenes, which is the chunk of the movie. It's black and white, but when they call action, they they pop into the camera and now it's in color. So it's kind of like, you know, backstage, in front of the curtain kind of thing, you know what I mean, like, you're kind of getting both viewpoints right?

So it's a lot of fun, and it's so accurately spoofs the struggle to try and and make an indie movie on a, on a, on a budget and on a schedule. Well, that's a good person and I can't imagine what went into making it. Just like, emotionally, and also just the sheer hard work. It was really, it was really. I'm, I'm, but I'm really proud of it. I hope people go check it out.

It's a struggle to get people to go to the theaters these days, so here's my my blatant ask to go check it out in the theaters. It's, it's. It's beautifully shot by an amazing cinematographer, and and and I and I really do believe they both give pretty outstanding performances. Yeah, they do, you know, that cause?

You saw it, I do know that. And and also if it helps, I'm putting a brand new microwave oven still in the box under one of the seats in one of the theaters. Oh, this thing retails for like $160. I didn't say it was a good microwave.

So when you're in the theater, make sure to look under your seat, yeah, just briefly, but don't keep your eye on the screen. And how are you right now? Are you? Now that this process is done, you're in a good place.

I am in a good place, I'm, I'm, I have a lot of fun stuff happening. I directed an episode of Bill's new show, Shrinking, which I'm, which I'm really proud of. I think it's a really good show. And and releasing this movie, which is has been my baby for so long.

It was it was ready to be released at the end of last year, but Florence had two other big movies come out. And so we decided to hold it for the spring. So, you know, it's holding something you're proud of, that you want to share with the world. Back for so long is now it's finally coming out, so it's really exciting, yeah.

That's the thing that I say, I can't, you know, I'm in me. We think of it, it's gone, but what about the Simpsons? I mean, there's, oh, that was different. You knew you had written a funny joke and you had to wait, like, how long to see?

Yes, I know, I know that was a different experience, but that was so long ago. I mean, Simpsons fans will come up to me and talk to me as if I just finished working on the episode that I worked on. That they liked. And I'll I have to explain to them because they're so young that I'm, you know, I think you wrote it like recently. Or else they don't really, they just they just think, oh so, you know, they're quoting lines from things and I'll think I don't know what you're talking about. You know, it's like telling a whatever, a Confederate soldier who's like, 98..

You remember that in that first battle, I'm like, No, I don't, I don't remember. It was so long ago I should have said union.

I know I was really confused about your choice of a confederate. Can I just say I just like the cap they had, That cap was a good cap, yeah.

The Union guys had those, too. No, they were blue. I like a gray cap. a blue cap is too striking. I just like the world where you're going and chatting up old Confederate soldiers.

Yeah, what, I want to see that podcast, it sounds like a podcast to me.

Let's do a much better guest than me. I think, uh, they'll, they'll, they'll talk to me about this. But I do remember back then, the time between thinking of the idea for an episode and seeing. It. Could be a year, it could be more than a year. Because it was animation, that's what's so crazy about animation, and it's it really is analogous here. Because I've had to wait so long, we completed it and we had to wait so long to finally share it.

And it's it's made me think of you in animation, like, Wow, we're all so proud of that episode. It's going to be a year for anyone to see it, right, right?

Well, it's, uh, there's so many people that never, I mean, I see them all the time, because, I mean, here we make our podcast. In Larchmont and in L.A. There are all these cafes. And I'm always see is people working on their screenplay? Yeah, that's what people came out here to do is write their screenplay. And I was sitting yesterday with, uh, two of the guys I work with, uh, Mike and Matt, and they were just. I think there were four people around me working on screenplays. And I think it's just it's such a gift to get something made because so many things aren't made.

Yeah, it's impossible, it's the most insane obstacle course to get anything made. I mean, it's even with Morgan Freeman and Florence Pugh, uh, starring. It's not like, you know, everyone's going to make it. I mean, you have to find the right person who wants to make it.

Yeah, you also want to make someone, you want to find someone who's going to honor the vision. They're going to let you make it how you want to make it exactly, and not say we have an idea.

They're buddy cops. Yeah, that is not what I wrote. Yeah, I wrote a story about loss and, you know, crossing generations and how people didn't.

Nope.

There's another, there's another great, uh thing you'll, I don't know if you've ever watched, uh. There was a spoof of the pilot making process called the TV set with David. Duchovny. Oh, I think I did see that. I highly recommend that, too. You'll love that, um, but there's a funny moment in that, where Duchovny plays the showrunner and it's his idea. And they're, they're, they're finally making this thing.

And, uh, Sigourney Weaver plays the head of the studio. And she, she comes to him and she goes, Look, we want to talk to you about the the suicide, uh thing with your brother, uh, in the story. And he goes that, that's. That was the whole impetus for the script, I mean, the reason, the reason I wrote the script was my brother's suicide. And and and that that started the whole story. And it's kind of the whole foundation upon which this is built.

And there's a long pause and she goes, But what if it wasn't?

Well, Zach Braff, Uh, congratulations on a good person and on a, uh, an excellent career. Thank you and thank you for being so supportive of me. You've through all the years, you've, you've always been a cheerleader of mine and I really, genuinely appreciate it. Well, you're, I mean, since the first time I saw you, I thought, this guy's really funny and you have such a great energy and spirit.

And so I'm glad, I'm proud of what you've, proud, I always. It's so funny when I'm because I'm older than so many of the people that I interview in, you know, including Patrick Stewart. Um, as they get younger, I get older. Uh, no, but um, I do when young, when super young people come on. My came on my late night show and I liked them. And then they go on to challenge themselves and do cool things. I always take a little bit of like, Oh, good for you, as if you were my son.

Well, you can, you can say that, and you can say proud, because I, you knew me right when I was wide eyed in beginning. And, uh, and um, I'm your Orthodox father. This is the weirdest version of Star Wars.

This is the way you didn't see that coming. Luke, I'm your Orthodox father. We have to get a blowtorch in the kitchen, someone make bacon.

Someone write that up, Come on, Hey Zach, thank you so much for doing this. really cool. That was great.

Thank you.

I heard some disturbing news today and I'd like to investigate. Let me explain. I'll do a little, uh, background first. Uh, Mr. Gorley, Matt Gorley, as you may know him, or just Matt. Obviously, a does a terrific job here at the show and constantly crafting the program and making it sound perfect.

I think we've covered it. Yep, we're done. Oh no, no, no, no, no, there's, there's more to cover.

Uh, Matt is also, um, a bit of a slut when it comes to podcasts. That's true, he's always out there. I mean, I would think being on Conan O'Brien needs a friend would be enough. I mean, this is, uh, this is a big deal, but no, he is, uh, always off.

Uh, working on hundreds and hundreds of other podcasts, I'm the wilt chamberlain of podcasts. Yes, you are, yes, you are. Um, you cannot be sated.

Uh, you, you keep going, and you're always there's, you're always out to conquer. Another podcast that you meet in a club late at night and then bring back to your creepy 1970s. Um, house with extra high doorways. But anyway, enough. I wish I could refute you on any of this. But um, recently, uh, Matt was telling us all in the studio. Cause we hang around sometimes, we're we're friends off mic and, uh, just just pretend the advertisers like it.

So they do, they want friendship in order to they just like it, they want people to buy into this as a real family, like the Royal family. But we all know deep down what's happening behind the scenes anyway. Uh, so Matt was telling us he had a new idea for a podcast called Mall Walking. Where he walks around a mall and maybe has a special guest with him and just walks around the mall and sees what happened. So, I think, well, interesting idea.

And again, confused that he needs, I mean, the man has a child and a wife, uh, and he's working with Conan O'Brien, why does he need this? But that's his choice, not mine. And then yesterday I was working with Sona, you were helping me out with something, and, uh, we were working on a project together. And you just happened to mention that you were a guest on Mall Walking with Matt Gorley and that things went a little off the rails.

And now I turn it over to you two. Well, I mean, it wasn't. First of all, I asked to be on mall walking and I was happy, happy to have you. We do this show with my friend Mark McConville and we went to the mall, which is called The Shops at Santa Anita.

Right, and we did what we always do. We walk in with three handheld mics, although we only had two wireless receivers, so I was tethered to mark with a 20 foot cable. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

But not the whole time. No, because we had a malfunction, so there was a malfunction. So because I would think the whole idea of doing a podcast called Mall Walking is that you want to be not too obtrusive, right?

You want to sort of fly under the radar and yet you are lashed to your friend with a cable. Yes, yeah. Because of what was the malfunction, the wireless receiver on one of the mics wasn't working.

Right, right, okay, so, and they had a. It could not have been a longer cable. I just want to make sure it's there's no way.

You can't notice this extremely long cable, right? And they're standing right next to each other, so it's dragging on the floor. Wait, you didn't coil it up?

Why didn't you coil it up? Well, we did, but we got to, you know, we got to spread out at times. Where he's going to the Lidz store? And I want to check out Hot Topic, you know, but you can't. You can't have a long cord between the two of you in a busy mall, we did.

Okay, we closed line. Some people, all right, so so so, Sona, you're part of this I am.

And tell us what's happening. So we started off, I had clothes to return at Old Navy, which we did on mic. we returned clothes on mic.

We returned clothes. How am I not listening to this podcast? This is fantastic. And then we just walk the entire second floor store to store. We're talking about what we see, you know, and then we're talking about the candy dispensers. I mean, it's really ripping stuff.

And then and then we get to the end of the second floor and someone stopped us, the security guard. Yeah, we haven't been to the first floor yet, so we're halfway through, yeah.

So you're halfway through this, this show, you've returned some clothes, yes, and you've you've looked in Lidz and got a see's candy chocolate thing.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I made Matt pay for it. Can't forget that. Well, I expensed it to the mall walking.

Yeah, uh, which is has an offshore account.

I know that this is all ways for you to launder cash. So so, uh, you're doing all that and then, um, and then you get to the end of the second floor of the mall and you're approached by a security guard. And why don't you take it here, man? Well, he was the sweetest man.

Yeah, and he, he seemed also kind of reluctant. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then, uh, Sona kind of took over as she does.

And thank God, because she was brilliant and she was really kind, but also very matter of fact. Basically said, What would your supervisor say to this? Let's speak to them. So out comes his boss, who then recognized Sona. Yeah, oh.

Yeah, yeah, I he, so he, he's like, you look familiar, and then, you know, I mean, usually it's because they watch you. So I was like, Oh, I work for Conan O'Brien, and he goes, Yeah, you know, I'm, I'm team Coco for life.

And so we were like, I love this guy, yeah, but then we were like, So can we record? and he's like, No, no, absolutely not.

Wow, yeah, it didn't help us. Team Coco for life I love Team Coco.

I love Conan. Can you help us out a little bit? No, I cannot.

Which, uh, then we asked to go above his head and they walked us back to the management office. Yes, uh-huh, okay. And by the way, your cable is still unspooling this whole time, 900 feet of cable.

And and by the way, old old women on walkers are tumbling left and right.

You just keep hearing in the background, Oh, my Lord, clunk shatter. Yeah, we went to the office of the mall, which was pretty cool.

Okay, so you went into the yeah, I mean, this is, uh, again, this is if you're going to check out anything at the mall. I think the administrative office would be the place this podcast opens doors. Yeah, so so you're in there and are you still recording?

Yes, and then technically, they asked us to stop, but we kept recording. Well, the old trick is to say we've, we've stopped, but not stop, right? And we did do that.

And, uh, we spoke to two very nice women and they said, we can't let you record today. But here's our business card. You can email and get permission, which I did. Never heard from them, pinged them back, heard from a new lady, she said. Can you please describe the podcast?

I did never heard from her again, got ghosted. So what we need you to do, and I'm glad you brought this up is call out shops at Santa Anita and say, Let free Sona and Matt and Mark. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to quote, Um, a really good guy.

Um, he's a, uh, security guard at shops at Santa Anita and say, I can't help you, come on. The three of us want to go back for part two. I'm channeling the guys, Team Cocoa and I got to go with the team Cocoa. I can't help you out, yeah.

Um, Conan, imagine if you had the Godfather without the Godfather part two. We have not even been on the first floor of this mall. It's exactly the same. You're right. Well, first of all, Godfather alone, I think people would still regard as one of the greatest movies of all time.

As they would this episode of the podcast.

But if you say without the Godfather part two, you don't have the Godfather, no, you still have the Godfather. And everyone's very happy. So that analogy doesn't hold well. They end each episode sitting on the massage chairs and we didn't even get to do that, so I think that that alone.

That's right, requires us to go back there. It's a loose tooth. I really need to check out the food court, too, that's important.

You can't go to a mall without looking at the food court. Okay, um, I, you know, I love you guys, I work with you all the time, we're a team.

So yes, I will help you. Uh, this is Conan O'Brien, and, uh, this message goes out to shops at Santa Anita. Thank you. Um, I'm asking you, please, to let, uh, Matt Gorley and Sona Movsassian, uh, come back and Mark McConville.

Yeah, and Mark, who? Mark McConville? No, I'm not going to vouch for him, I don't know him.

I don't know that he's good, he's better than me. I don't know, I don't, He might be great.

I just don't know the guy, I can't vouch for him. Okay, um, you have to get him in on your own. Oh so, shops at Santa Anita.

Um, I, uh, I, I wanted you to please, please allow. Uh, Matt Gorley, uh, Sona Movsassian, Mark McConville, uh, to to, um, to come and record an episode of Mall walking, it's, uh, mall walk in, mall walk in.

I'm sorry you don't say the G at the end, of course, it's got an apostrophe.

Thank you Sona. Okay, thank you Sona. That's a wonderful part of my pitch. And, uh, we'll make all the difference in this plea.

And I just ask that you consider this. This is great promotion for shops at Santa Media at shops at Santa Anita.

And, uh, third part of the Mark McConville zone.

They're going to do a great job with Matt Gorley. Sona Movsassian. Can I get you saying a few different other malls so we could just plug that in? Okay, go ahead, South Coast Plaza.

Hey South Coast Plaza, do me a favor. Uh, the Americana at brand. Hey Americana at brand. Conor O'Brien here.

And I need your help. SheRmAN OakS GALLERIa Hey Sherman Oaks Galleria, I know I was banned in 1988, but please hear me out and listen to this important message. And finally, the Citadel outlet mall.

Hey, Citadel Outlet Mall, Conan O'Brien here. And, uh, I've got a special request that may turn out nicely for all of us. Yeah, you know what? I'll say? Uh, you should make it very clear to these people that this is advertising.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, did you mention that? No, but I didn't I. If I, if I had time to mentally prepare, I would have kicked in. But like, you know, who's going to the mall anymore?

Right, we're doing them a favor. Okay, well, first of all, don't say who's going to the mall anymore, that's not going to get you back into the shops at Santa Anita.

I'm saying, Dear Santa Anita, like people will listen to this podcast and flock to the mall. It's true, I wrote that in the email, maybe that's why I haven't heard back, cause.

Then they knew they couldn't take me seriously. Well, listen, I do hope, I do, hope you get back in there. And um, do you really? I do?

Do you care? Yeah, okay, that's good, I don't care a lot.

Okay, I barely care, but I do care. No, I'm thinking about it and I'm registering. You know, when the sun gets really low on the horizon at the end of the day? And there's still just a little bit of, like, a little bit of glow, yeah.

That's how much caring I have. It's a little bit, that's fine, it's still there, I'll take it.

It registers, yeah, and um, you know, we'll see, and if this doesn't work, maybe I got to show up at the mall, you know?

And then you can just say one thing, bring a mop, because when people see Conan O'Brien in a mall, there's going to be shit on the floor. Yeah, you're proud of that, and this is a selling point for Santa Anita.

You want them to shit all over the mall. I'm telling you what I want, I'm telling you what happens when I get recognized on the street. Okay, I have been responsible for more public defecation than anybody in the history of the medium.

Well, I went to a restaurant with you in Santa Anita and it's notorious for having a long wait. And they saw you and still made us wait 45 minutes for a table. You know why, why?

They were busy shitting.

Well, good luck you guys, thank you boss, thank you.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien. Sona Movsesian and Matt Gorley Produced by Me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs. Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick, Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode, and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan. O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever Fine podcasts are downloaded.

This has been a team Coco production in association with Earwolf.