Disrespectfully - Our Worst Date Stories and Tom Sandoval’s New York Times Article | Episode 8
2024-02-28 01:14:43
Welcome to "Disrespectfully," hosted by Katie Maloney and Dayna Kathan. These two besties have been through their fair share of life experiences. The good, the bad, and the unhinged. In Disrespectfully, they build off those lessons to discuss being unapologetically yourself, getting it wrong, career, mental health, relationships, sex, and whatever else they feel like. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably crack a bottle of wine- join Katie and Dayna as they share new episodes Wednesday’s wherever you get your podcasts. Make sure to email us problems, questions, or anything you need advice on at [email protected] and we shall answer them on the pod!
So you made out with someone else.
Okay. Had a busy week. Anyway.
Welcome to Disrespectfully.
With Katie Maloney.
And Dana Cathan.
Unapologetically.
We're here to do what we wanna do.
Spilling the tea.
Babe, you're gonna see the power of women.
Like, disrespectfully.
You have had a busy week. How are you? I'm pretty good.
Another date. Another cardigan.
We're both cardigans.
I'm like Mr. fucking Rogers.
You look like a skanky, Mr. Rogers, and I say that with love.
I got, like my little loafers. And my cardigan, except for, you know, when he comes home from his day and he takes off his jacket and puts it in the, or does he take off his cardigan? What does he take off?
Have you ever actually seen that show? Yeah. I've never seen that show. What?
He always wore cardigans. And then he changes his shoes.
When I come home for the day, I get butt naked and then sometimes put a dirty t-shirt on. So that's a different thing.
I just come home and I take my pants off.
People who hang out in jeans in their home, psychotic behavior.
It's like something right in the center.
Yeah.
Just pants. You know, like Bruce Almighty, when he like, does that thing where like he's, and all the clothes come off. That's me when I get home. Bra, pants. By the way, when you hear this episode, we're gonna be on a motherfucking cruise.
We're gonna be on a cruise.
Emo's Not Dead.
We're gonna be on the Emo's Not Dead cruise. So that's where we were going. You will, you'll be enjoying this and we'll be somewhere on water.
Actually, when you're hearing this, we'll probably be in the Bahamas.
We get on a cruise, we're going to Miami, getting on the cruise. It's like one and a half day out, be on the beach, one and a half day back.
It's like a full like lineup of a bunch of bands who got like Yellow Card and Under Oath and Census Sale and May Day Parade.
and red jumpsuit apparatus. I'm actually excited to see all of them.
No, it's gonna be fantastic.
It's gonna be fantastic. I never thought in my entire life that I would go on a cruise. I mean, I've done a cross ocean pass before to go great white shark diving, but that was a very different experience. One of my tics in terms of like intrusive thoughts that keeps happening, I have such a fear of falling off the boat, which I know is not gonna happen, because I'm gonna be glued like a spy to the sides of the inner part of the boat, like walking across. I'm literally so afraid of it.
Someone was talking about that. I don't know why I've been exposing myself to like all the things you shouldn't be before you go on a cruise. Anything on TikTok. that starts, yo-ho.
The North Sea, oh, I swipe right past those. I can't do it.
I know, but like I was really into it for a while, but then I'm like, I shouldn't be like watching this shit as I'm about to go on a boat. And then there's also like that world cruise shit. I don't know, nonstop, Drake's Pass, all of that. But then also there was another one that they're like, yeah, cruises are kind of gnarly. Like there's crimes and crazy shit that happens on almost every cruise, like someone falling off.
There was a grandpa that was like holding his baby up to the window to show, to show. This is so not funny, but like, I laugh when I get-.
Do not tell me, he dropped the baby. Is the baby okay?
What do you think?
Oh, my God.
I'm not laughing. It's not funny, it's not funny, it's not funny.
This is right up there with my-.
You should have, but the thing is, and someone, whoever's saying this, they're like, would've looked at me like, well, you know what you gotta do?
Oh, I mean, you'd go right in after the baby, but that's been keeping me up at night, even though I know it's not gonna happen because I'm so paranoid about it.
I have had intrusive thoughts of somebody like chucking me off.
I mean, we're staying in the same room, we'll see what happens.
So we may or may not be back.
We may or may not be back. I hope we will be, but I have been trying to repress those thoughts and focus on more of the fun. But, growing up in a low socioeconomic status, I used to think that cruises were the top echelon of wealth and opulence. I was like, I'm gonna go on a cruise someday. And then I grew up and was like, I think I'm actually okay on the cruise, but to go on an emo cruise was definitely not on my bingo card this year.
And I'm all about experiences and like, why not? When are we ever gonna have an opportunity to do that?
It never appealed to me to go on a cruise just because it was like, I'd rather just go to like a place where I can like, yeah. Everyone's like, no, there's like so much to do. And I'm like, yeah, there's also so much to do like anywhere you go. Right. You can do all those things like on land places.
Like, why do you wanna be like on a big boat in the middle of the, I didn't really get the point, but this appeals to me because of like music and the music that I enjoy and probably gonna be amongst my people, so.
And I've never been to the Bahamas. So I'm very excited and we are planning another tropical vacation, but even if it's one day, I can't.
This doesn't count.
This isn't the one, because we're literally gonna be there for one day. But I'm also very curious about the food and drink situation, because the nine month cruise, there was a guy who was, did you see him, Sebastian? He's so funny. He was like rating everything and trolling and talking about the drama that was happening on the cruise. But he was like, the food isn't edible and I do like garbage food, but like I have a limit.
However, I really do love a buffet.
I've heard two things. Is that like? the food on cruises is supposed to be like really good. And then I've heard from other people that it's like, it's like similar to like, or maybe like being at an all inclusive. Sometimes the food is great and sometimes it's not depending on where, depending on which resort you're at, depending on what cruise line you go on.
This is true. So we'll report back, because I know you're all so desperate to know about what the cruise will be like on Imo's Not Dead cruise. Wait, going back to the nine month cruise, did you hear someone's knocked up?
Already?
Someone's knocked up. So someone made all of these predictions.
Like bingo card?
Yeah, bingo card. Like those of us at home who are spectating. So North Sea, immediate swipe away. For me, nine month cruise, I like to hang out. Someone's knocked up.
But what I need to know, is it like a Maury show kind of? someone's knocked up? Like it was a random, who's the father? Was it just, you know, couples being couples? I'm hoping it's more of a random situation and that someone got someone pregnant by accident and we don't know what the deal is.
I want to know the tea. So someone has been knocked up.
So this person themselves didn't say that they're knocked up. Someone else is saying that someone else.
Yeah, kind of a HIPAA violation. I'm guessing. one of the nurses chit chat with one of the crew that works. And then, you know, someone's chattering, you know, it's like operation. We don't know.
But I think that's very exciting stuff. And I would really like to be involved in it.
Keep us posted.
And this is like possibly old news, but speaking of things, I can't fucking stop listening to on TikTok.
Risa Tisa.
Risa Tisa, my new favorite podcast, I have completed. I put the playlist on. So it just keeps going from playlist to next, to next, to next. And I listened to the entire thing like it was a podcast.
I mean, I've listened in one day, I listened to like all 20.
. I got up to 22.. They're 10 minutes a piece for anyone that doesn't understand. Okay, let's go back. Let's go back.
Let's go back. For anyone that doesn't know, because people do live under rocks. So this woman went on TikTok. And I mean, not only is she like completely blowing up just because, like people, like going crazy over her stories, but she's been doing like these like 10 minute piece videos talking about her ex-husband. She's calling the series, Who the F did I marry?
And it is wild. He's like sociopath, narcissist. And she's like, we're not leaving out one single detail.
I don't really wanna spoil it for anyone at home that has not watched it. But at this point, it's kind of with TikTok. When some trend comes in, you have to get on board or it's gonna end. The reason that I probably consumed all of it so quickly is because, as we know, I do not like silence. So, like, I just replaced it with all the other things I listen to.
It's really a masterclass in storytelling. Like. I'm sure that Hulu, Netflix, everyone is gunning for the rights to this story and to make it a thing. And the funniest TikToks I've seen are like, people are making mock movie posters of like who they'd put in the movie. It's worth an entire listen.
Like. she gives a lot of detail, but sometimes the TikToks that annoy me are people that give a lot of detail because you can tell they want to keep you and they're burying the lead.
And it's kind of like, get to it.
She gives detail, because it's, you have to know.
It's important.
It's everything she's talking about is important.
And she lets you know, this is important for later. I like that.
I do too. Well, and she sets expectations. Also, the very first thing is like, hey, I'm gonna do this whole story. I don't know how long it's gonna be. Everything's important, so bear with me.
And it truly, I mean, it took like 10 episodes for me to get to the point that I was like, okay, wait, what? And then the unraveling of it all is, I mean, it's crazy.
I mean, this man, I mean, I'll spoil just a little bit of it. This man, full on, told her that he had put a down payment on a house. Like the house was, they were in like escrow. Like their contracts were like, he went so deep into a lie to a point that she literally saw that the house was like off the market, called the selling agent. And they told him that, no, like it was a completely different family.
And she's still stuck with it. She's honest that she's like this, someone's not gonna make me look good. And I fully accept that.
That is another thing that I love so much about her story is that she says that like, there's nothing better than when someone is just completely candid about how they look back. And you're like, ooh, that was some real silly, goose behavior. I do that all the time. You're looking back, you're like, how was I so dumb in that moment? And she's, I mean, also he was a grifter, so I get it.
I think a lot of people could have been fooled in the way that she was. And she also was open about how her desires to be married and have kids played a role in that and kind of made her look the other way. But I mean, it's also very helpful for other women, the way that she's being so honest about it.
Well, yeah, because you don't have to be shameful or feel like no one's ever gone through this before. How do I get out? Like she's putting it all out there.
When you said about the house, he was really good at what he did. She saw, she's like, I saw him submit this paperwork. I was with him for certain things. And so I don't really know how he pulled, one of the funniest things that she said, she was like talking about the crescendo of when she's finally confronting him and she stays really calm and she's because she wants to keep that energy with him. And then she goes, and then, have y'all seen the movie, Carrie?
The way I spat my water out and would not stop, like it was, and it's just so true, because she was just like pushed beyond belief. I love it.
But there's like long form videos, like you're saying, like, it's kind of like a fairly new thing that, you know, cause. for a while it was like, I mean, think about when Vine came out, six seconds. And then we have, like TikTok, that are like 15 seconds. And then we had a minute feature and then, like, it was, got a little bit longer, but these, like 10 minute ones, that like, who knew? But not everyone can do it.
Quibi is shaking its fists from beyond the grave.
RIP Quibi. Okay, another thing about this, I will spoil this, cause. it's also been all over the summaries and whatever. So he had promised her this trip to London and Paris. It was her whole dream.
That's where I'm left off at. That's what it was. She saw the folder. She saw the hotel information. So she was really excited.
Okay, that's where I'm left on it.
I feel like I have to say it. She's going to London and Paris now, on her own.
Like now, currently? Yes.
So, okay. I love her. I know, I'm sorry. I'm going to ruin this, whatever. So it was obviously, well, obviously, it's a lie.
Like, you know, he had all these things. He's full of shit. So he tells her he's going to take her to Paris, London, her lifelong dream. Obviously, it's bullshit. It never happened.
It was not a thing. So many other creators on TikTok have come forward and been like, please let me pay for your trip to Paris. I will, like, I'm going to do this. So she just posted a video and was like, I'm going to London and Paris, you guys. I'm taking you along.
I'm going to do it. So that's how she's going to pivot and keep doing her long form podcast. I am so happy for her.
I want only the best things for her. Like, I want the sun to always shine on her.
I want her to get every front row parking spot.
Her pillow to always be cold.
And fluffy.
And like, just all those things. I just got like chills. Like, she's just so, like, I. just, she needs to win at life now.
You can just tell she's such a sweet, genuine, authentic person.
And then, it reminds me of the people that, the guy that proposed at KFC or whatever, and people were like giving him so much shit and making fun of him. And they just looked so happy. and she looked so happy. And so, as a response, all these brands and people came forward offering a really beautiful diamond ring and to help pay for certain things. And I was like, you know what?
That's what happened.
It's not all bad here.
Anyways, continue.
First of all, two-parter. Number one, did you see that the gal, everyone's also really mad at this gal, she randomly did a deep dive because Risa Tisa wanted to keep him private. Like, she did say his name halfway through the series, but she went out of her way to protect certain things, because it is her story to tell. She has the right to tell the story and it's possibly a safety thing and whatever. This girl went and found him on Facebook and aired it out.
And now, he knows that this series has been going on. So now, he has come from under whatever rock he's been under, and has been telling his side of things. I have not engaged in a single one of his videos.
Nobody cares.
I don't care. We're done with liars in 2024.. Risa Tisa, until the day I die, protect her at all costs.
It's giving, you know?
Oh, I know who it's giving. Okay. Speaking of rocks and worms, we'll get to that in a second.
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Number two, the other thing is, have you followed Morgan and her whole story? Random man from Atlanta's baby mother.
Who?
So Morgan is this huge creator, kind of like Risa T said, that kind of overnight became this huge thing, maybe a year ago. Cause. yeah, I think she was pregnant. I think her baby's a year old. So she got pregnant, made all this merch, it's so funny, called random man in Atlanta.
Cause her whole thing was like, she had just gotten pregnant, gave birth, got dumped. a month later. This guy, turns out, had six other women that he had had children with. And she decided she was just gonna turn her pain into a story and started talking about it on TikTok and blew up. And people were really on her side.
And then recently he's come back into her life and she's kind of like, it sounds like letting him in a little bit. And people were, you know, her whole story's been about, fuck this guy. Yeah, I'll co-parent if he's willing, but he's also been in and out of the baby's life. So she posted the other day and was, like, everyone's, talking about Risa Tisa. I went to look at Risa Tisa's story and I'm blocked.
Her page didn't exist. So I looked at my friend's phone and it's fully there.
So what, they know each other?
No, they don't. But they both have in common, I guess you would say a random man from Atlanta. Like a man who's been a liar and a cheat, and whatever.
Is it lesion?
No, it's not. I know, that's what I was thinking. So what people are speculating is, cause Risa Tisa's so nice, she blocked her. Sometimes I block people on TikTok, not because I have beef with them, but because I just do not want to keep seeing their content for one reason or another. So I'm guessing it was just triggering for her.
Like watching this girl make the same mistakes that she had and she could like, I don't think Risa Tisa has a vicious bone in her body.
Wow, I've never like, I don't know that I've accidentally blocked people. I've accidentally followed people.
Oh, no, no, I purposefully, no, I think it was on purpose, but I think she, just like, it, was more like self-preservation. Like she was like, I have my own random man in Atlanta, I can't be dealing with yours.
Wild.
Speaking of worms.
Dude, we all would love to move on from Scandal. And we have, of course. we have, obviously. And you know, Scandal wants that same thing. He wants, guys, just try to move on with my life.
And you can, sir. But like, you're making it really hard on yourself. Like no one, you're doing it to yourself. That's it. Simple fact.
Like making absurd, obscene comments, like you have, that's on you.
Here's the thing. Like you said, non-divine, just Scandal. We don't want to be talking about him. We don't like, truly, but this is so, I'm so offended by it. in a way that it's like, this has nothing to do with him hurting my friend or making bad decisions or whatever.
I'm sure if you're listening to this, you know what we're talking about, but it's a two-parter with him.
No, this has nothing to do with Scandal. It just has to do with him wanting to like, redeem himself in the public eye. It's like, you would be better off disappearing. Stop talking.
This is, well, no, that's what I'm saying is it is outside that. So this is a two-parter. So Interview Mag and then New York Times did an article on him. So in the New York Times article, also, it was really interesting, because just knowing him personally, the way that the reporter's describing him and his like obsession with the recorder and like the way that she's trying to convey how he was, I can completely see it. So what he said about OJ Simpson and George Floyd, and as he's leading up to it, he's like, I know this is kind of crazy to compare, but, and then he like, lays out the situation and goes, but don't you think it is similar a little bit?
George Floyd was murdered by police publicly. Not only that, he is a black man that was murdered by police publicly. So why on earth, there's no world in which that comparison would ever need to be made. People didn't like you because you cheated on your girlfriend with her friend. What are you talking about?
Did your affair get a lot of news and media coverage? Yeah, but is it the same thing as what happened to George Floyd? Fuck, no. Are you mental?
That is so problematic and offensive.
It is so offensive. But, like, sir, of all the things you could have grabbed, why don't you talk about Bill Clinton and his, like if you want to grab at something ridiculous.
Truly, you're trying to do some type of comparison and, like OJ, it's a horrifying murder that happened, and is that part of American history. It's like-.
Why does your brain go there? That's the concerning part. Why does your brain work like that? What is wrong with you?
The problem is his brain does work that way. And it's really scary to me. It's extremely problematic.
This is why, when people want to talk about like, let's just like, why can't you guys move on and grow from it? Because he's still the same fucking person. He's still the same fuckhead who has not grown an inch, has not learned a thing. So this is why I don't want to be around him. This is why last season, I didn't want to film with him, because I was like, I would need to see some kind of growth, some remorse, something that this man has learned something about life from, and he refuses to.
So no, thank you. And this is just another display of that ridiculous behavior.
I just think he's frozen in time to when he was much younger and just currently resides in a 41 year old's body, and that the carelessness, the insensitivity, George Floyd's family spoke out on it. I mean, it's so like dark to me and upsetting, and just like the way that that is, he thought that was appropriate because it is how his mind works. And I'm like, babe, you are so disconnected from reality. You exist on Mars. What the fuck are you talking about?
You think it's like that a little bit? No, I don't think it's like that, a little bit. Not at all.
No, but I just don't understand this entire like rebranding that they're trying to get for this man. Like, yeah, every woman wants the guy that just recently cheated on his longtime partner with her friend and now let's turn him into a heartthrob. Oh, what? Oh, what?
Yeah, I'm not sure what. he was also trying to get out of both the New York Times, seeing the interview mag. Those photos are like, who?
The art director on that, who was like, I know we're gonna have him eat cake and write the cake, because that's so groundbreaking and interesting. Like they deserve to be fired. Panned. Fired, you're done.
Yeah, speaking of cake, panned, how many approvals did that go through? Whoever creative was and whatever.
And it's like, I've lost the plot.
I saw something like a quote. It was like something. he's like moist and warm. And I'm just like, ew, it's so cringy.
I want it warm and moist. Shut up forever.
It occurred around the world. So not a good week for him.
It occurred around the world, folks.
Those two happening at the same time, people are sick of Scandal Ball. So for him to get to this point and then do such a horrible interview that people are not going to forget that. Like you're cooked. I don't know, you really should stop talking.
I know, I just, I didn't have words. I was like, just like the fuck. And then I'm like, and only, and like, listen, it was like kind of a joke, but because, you know, Tom Schwartz has, just like really hardcore, hitched his wagon to him. I was like, hey, Tom, you want to come and explain what he really meant by this? Because of course he has like, this is not what I meant.
And of course it's his apology. He had to like, qualify what, you know, he didn't really mean that.
Who is guiding this? Well, it also makes sense because he has, like all these very young people around him. A 23-year-old publicist who has experience in crisis PR. She's not old enough to have, okay, maybe she has some, she watched someone else do it, bizarre. He literally put a story post.
That's all he did was just a quick story post, being like, not even apologizing fully for what he said, which again, I mean, it's just, it's really mind boggling to watch happen. Like, what are you doing?
What kind of crisis PR is this? Like, let's, again, like-.
They are the crisis. Your PR team, your choices in-. This is a crisis. In employees, that is the crisis. Please stop talking immediately, if not sooner.
Has Tom Schwartz said anything about it publicly?
No, and he won't.
I mean, he shouldn't. It's obviously not his place.
He won't either. They came in and he's like, are you recording?
Tape recorder enthusiast. Problematic co-giver.
He had three caffeinated beverages in front of him. That tracks. Also the fact that he said, I'm just excited to start dating. now that I'm a celebrity. He's like, yeah, being a famous person and single is exciting.
That it was so icky and embarrassing. I got, I had, like, I had, I had cringe sweats. Like while I was reading it, I was like-.
It's amazing. I was able to keep my egg McMuffin down just now. I'm calling it right now. If that show still exists, his next venture is going to be, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. Here's the thing.
I actually don't watch a ton of reality TV. And the reason is I get really bad secondhand embarrassment. Like I, like Raleigh loves that shit. She eats it up. I have to fast forward.
Like I cannot watch, like Love Island. You guys are all obsessed. There's certain things I just can't handle. it. Love it.
So that is why I feel like I don't even know if I could do it. He's just beyond help. I really don't know what else to say about it. But that was, I always think there's nothing he could do to make this worse. And then he absolutely finds a way to make it worse.
Also, I heard that Bravo was, had heard after he did the interview, like I'm not sure if it was approved. I have to assume it was approved to do. And they heard before it came out that he had like made comments that they were worried about.
Yeah, but they can't like.
They can't, well, you can't do anything. at that point. They had permission. So obviously.
I think they just tried to like keep them from continuing on the interview or like speaking further with him. Yeah, because they saw the publicist like furiously texting after he made the George Floyd comment. And then the next day. The next day, they're like, hey, so how about we? don't, you don't keep talking to him.
Like we could have you talk to someone else on the show. And like, they're like, no, we want to keep talking to him.
Well, if the interview mag spread tells us anything, he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. And he should stop opening his mouth both for cake and comments. Finn.
Is he still with his girlfriend? How's that working out?
Well, he's famous. now. I feel like I saw photos of Tom taking her to our favorite dive bar.
Oh.
No, I don't mind a dive bar date, but can't imagine it'd be a good date with him.
No, because, okay, he's going to take you to like a karaoke bar and make you listen to him sing.
Which I can imagine few things worse.
I mean, I've been on some really bad dates.
How much time do we have on this podcast?
Yeah, no, I mean, okay, pick one. What's your worst, what's your worst date you've ever been on?
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This one, this story, it was actually started out good. So I went out with this fella. We actually went to a restaurant we love here in the Valley. I think we went to Casabaga. Great time.
Super cute guy. Was like, really like. excited to go out with him. We go back to his place. We're like watching a movie, hanging out.
We start like making out a little bit.
He climbs on top of me. Like straddles me with, like his, like knees on my, like arms, or like shoulders. Pulls his you know what out and like kind of slaps me across the face with it. Or like taps me like across the cheek, like that. I was like.
No, you fucking didn't.
His gooch is like in proximity to your nose. How dare he?
It's the space between. But my point is for him to be straddling you like. that is unacceptable.
He's like, and I was like. oh, no, no, no, no, no. So I was like get off, goodbye, ta-ta. Call me never.
He slapped you in the face with his dick.
Yeah, I got a dick slap.
On the first date?
On the only date.
Girl. Okay. Is yours worse?
Yeah. Okay, great, make me feel better.
I'm gonna pick two. And I'm gonna start with the one that makes me look more like a dumb bitch, because I was. This was like my recetiza area of, just like looking past red flags. Technically, this was a second date. So I had a first date with this guy.
Do you remember?
Yeah.
That was honestly at some point on this podcast, I'll have to tell, because this is a cautionary tale. Like this is my like. not quite recetiza, because I did not marry this person. But the amount of red flags I look past and what an absolute lunatic this person was. So our first date went relatively well.
He came my way, he came to the valley and he was living on the west side, okay? So he kept making all these like weird excuses. He had just moved back to town, he was really wealthy, but he was subletting from someone for a few months where he was deciding where he was gonna live. It was just like, and at first like. I was still getting to know him, so it wasn't totally like, I was like, okay, whatever.
So our next date, he's like, he did the thing that I like. He took control, planned the time, planned the place, made a reservation. I go all the way to Santa Monica. This is our second date. I get there, I'm there first.
He, the reservation was under his name. so he had made the reservation. So I go sit down and I'm like waiting and I'm waiting and waiting. and we both talked about punctuality and he was really on time. He was early for the other date.
So it's like 15 minutes go by and he is not there and the server is starting to look at me like a sad handwritten book and isn't sure if they should get a defibrillator or take me to ASPCA. They're worried about me and it's clear that something's happening and I'm getting uncomfortable because I've never been fully stood up before. so I'm kind of fidgeting and they're like, do you want a drink? And I was like, no, I'll just wait for him to get here. And so I text him and I was like, hey, what's going on?
I'm not sure if you're completely blowing me off, but I'm concerned. something happened. so please let me know. I wait there until 8.30.. He does not show up.
This guy sucks.
Get in my car. I go, I call my sister, fucking freaking out to her. I'm like, I just got stood up. I was like, I'm just spiraling right now. because why would he make me go all the way to Santa Monica?
If you are not familiar with Los Angeles, going from the Valley to Santa Monica is basically like driving from Los Angeles to Utah. Okay, it's the same feeling, same vibes. So I was like, why would he make me go all the way to Santa Monica just to blow me off? So then he texts me. This man texts me, tells me he got in a car accident.
He's so sorry. He had the street. He even told me the street in which it happened, on, the way in which the other driver hit him. They've been in this big scuffle. So please let me make it up to you, go to the Valley.
I'm like, no, let's shoot for another night. And then I was like, you will be coming to me. And so I decide, I was like, I'm gonna, I'll go out with him again and just see. But like, I don't believe him. But the hard thing is when you're in a situation like that, kind of like Risa Tisa, when they're good at lying, what am I supposed to say?
You didn't get in a car accident. And also on the off chance he did, just like she did doing this mental gymnastics, on the off chance that he did, then what am I supposed to do? I wanted to be like, can I see photos of the car? He was so elaborate, down to what the person looked like, the words that were exchanged, all this shit. Long story short, he was a fucking liar.
He, I am convinced, was married with kids or had a serious relationship. Like he showed me his nieces and nephews and they looked just like him. But my niece is my twin. So it was also kind of like, and I was, for me. as someone who doesn't lie, I'm like, that is so beyond comprehension to be able to look someone in the eye and tell such an elaborate story.
But anyway, I only dated him for a few weeks. He was a lunatic. So that's kind of a non-date.
Similar like to that with like a psycho. I met this guy at a bar and he was so cute, like. so, like, you know, when you meet someone and you're like, oh my God, like, are we in love? And we exchanged numbers and we're texting for like weeks and going back and forth and we're planning on like, going on this like date. We were gonna go like, I don't know.
We were gonna go like on an excursion, basically. And so the day comes and he calls me, but he calls me from like a number I didn't recognize. And I was like, where are you? He's like, I'm on my way. I'm like, okay, but like what are you calling?
What number is this? He's like, it's my number. I'm like, no, it's not. It's your number saved in my phone. They're like, where are you calling me from?
And I was like, this is so weird. Something's off, like something doesn't feel right. Like, why is he calling me? Like he's in his, isn't that weird? That's, yes, of course it is.
So I'm like talking to my friend, I'm like, what do I do? He's like on his way here. He's gonna be here in like 20 minutes. Like, I don't know what to do. Like, does he have like a bat phone?
Does he have two phones? Like, he just told me, he's like, no, I called you like literally from my phone. Like, I don't know. He's like trying to play it off. Like, I'm getting gas lit now.
And I'm like, this is weird. So I was like, okay, well, I'm gonna have to like confront him and get the answer out of him. He shows up, I go out there. I don't bring anything with me. I have like, just like my keys in my hand to get back in my building.
And I was like, what's going on? Turns out he has a fiance. He'd been calling me from a Google number and just like forgot to do that. Cause he was like probably driving and forgot to like do the little whatever. So he was calling me from his actual number, not the Google number.
He was just like not happy or trying to figure some stuff out. So just like using me to like work that out for the last like few weeks. Oh, I was so mad.
Wait, how did you find out about the fiance?
Cause I literally was just like, this doesn't make any sense. You just called me from a number. that's not your number.
Oh, so he admitted it.
Yeah, I, finally, I just sat there. I was like, you're gonna have to tell me. I'm like, I'm not going anywhere with you. I'm not like, this. is it.
Like? this is so fucking shady. So yeah, he just came out with it. And then I ended up seeing him like a whole year later at Barney's Beanery, on like St. Patrick's Day.
And he was like, oh, hey. And I was like, oh no. I know you're not gonna just try to say hello to me. Like you're not a crazy person.
Did you say, where's your fiance?
No, no.
The level of like, again, back to the story. I was just telling, like, obviously I can't prove it if he was married or not, but that obviously does happen. And it's like, when they have you participate in their treatment of another person. that's horrifying and you're not consenting that, it's just like a whole other level of gross. This is my worst first date that actually did happen, where someone did not make me drive 40 minutes and then not show up and then pretending in a car accident.
To preface this, this was summer of 2020.
. So COVID was rampant. We had just started to be able to go to restaurants again. And this guy slid in my DMs. I decided I'd like take him up on it.
And so we start FaceTiming. And cause. I obviously wanted to make sure it was really him. And this should have been my first sign. When we were FaceTiming, he was laying on his tummy on his bed and he was kind of sitting there with like his feet crossed, like,
which is also an ick. And then at one point he like, I could tell it was just, he wasn't paying attention. It was just doing it. He like grabbed onto his big toe. I was just like, I want to preface this.
Also by saying, I don't think he was like a member of Cirque du Soleil. I think he was just like,
and then I still went out with him.
Do you get the visual of what I'm talking about? Should I do it?
Of course I do.
Okay.
It was dark times. I was not doing well. Ew. I know, I know. I was so hot.
I was heading into a depressive episode. I was off my medication.
Girl.
You remember when I went off my meds and didn't tell anyone?
Yeah. That was it. So anyway, I was a few months into that.
Did he like play with his, like toenail or something?
Take your meds, kids. What was he doing? He was just sitting there, holding onto it. Here, because I don't know, we can cut this, but I'll show you.
My throat hurts right now. Oh my God.
I hate it. I hate everything about it. Yeah, it's horrible.
You just saw, so that's what I did. If you want to see this, go on YouTube. We have this on YouTube as well.
Oh, my God.
So that's what he was doing. Still went out with him.
And so I had told him in this conversation that I like lobster rolls, and this is the best thing I got out of him, because I still go to this place all the time. Broad Street Oyster in Malibu.
Oh, no, no, no. Have we never brought you there? No. Okay, we're going. What the hell?
I will say, I didn't know what I was walking into. It is in a strip mall, so it is kind of a weird place. When you think of Malibu, to have a first date, like I thought we were going to be on the water.
You're about to be so disgusted.
I don't know. I'm already, girl. The bar's in hell.
So you wouldn't think that he was so comfortable with his toes, based on what happens next. So I get there. He's wearing like, I'm not trying to be mean, like a tank top, like a purple tank top with like charcoal gray, like long shorts and brown leather flip flops.
Brown leather flip flops.
Purple, gray, and brown. Uh-huh. Wow.
So he walks up to me.
Fashionista.
He starts nervously cackling. Like, if you're a fan of The Office, there's an episode, it's Michael's birthday, and he thinks they hire a stripper to come like give him a lap dance, but it's a delivery lady, and so he's like, he pulls up a chair, he's like, this has arms, is that a problem? And then he's like, I'm so nervous. And then Pam's like, I'll sign for it. It was like that.
So he's like nervously cackling, and I'm trying to give him some grace. I'm like, okay, he's nervous. This is like a unique situation. He definitely watched the show. So he brought up his toes no less than five times.
to start. He was like, I really wish my feet were now right now. He was like, I don't know why I wore these. Like. I thought about wearing tennis shoes.
And I'm like, I get it. If you're uncomfortable about something, you call attention to it to make sure the other person knows that. like, you know it's weird. But it was super odd. He seemed very drunk.
So I got a rosé, he got a beer, and two sips in the beer, he is belligerently drunk. And I'm like, oh, and first of all, he had offered to come, pick me up and take me, but since he was like an internet person and I would never do this. anyway, I did not let him pick me up because Malibu is far from. at the time I was living in WeHo. I was like, absolutely not.
I'm not driving you through your stranger. Best decision I ever made. So he seems drunk and I'm trying to figure it out. And I'm like, why are you so drunk right now? And I'm almost positive.
he was drinking before we met up. Like there's no way that he was in that state after a beer. Like he was drinking. So the conversation is like awkward and I really want the date to end, but against my better judgment, he was like, let's go to Duke's because it is on the water and whatever. And we'll like, let's just-.
Let's go dip our toes in the water.
Let's get those, what do you call them? Grippers.
Let's get those, Danny Pellegrino.
Let's get those grippers out. So we go to Duke's and on the way there, I think I called my sister and I was like, I'm on this horrible date. I want to just drive home. Like, I don't want to go, but I feel bad. I don't want to go to the second location.
And I'm like, okay, I'm just going to go. I should have just kept on driving. Big regret. We get to Duke's, we sit down.
By this time he's like fucked up.
So I'm like, do you have alcohol in your car? And you're like drinking it or whatever. I don't know. So for almost the entire hour we're there, he tells me about a date from 2017.. He calls the girl crazy.
He was like, she was really late to our date. We went to a movie. She's like trying to make out with me in the movie. And then, mind you, he literally tells us over an hour, but this is the cliff notes, all you need to know. She gets up to go to the bathroom.
20 minutes goes by and she's not back. She, he looks at his phone. She texts him and goes, I'm sorry. I'm having a really bad time. I can't do this.
And left him at the movie theater. In my head, in that moment, I was like, I need to find this girl and like, give her a hug. Cause I get what happened to her that day. I literally almost did the same thing. He pulls up the text messages they had to prove how crazy she was.
Shows me the text.
And this was like three years prior to this?
Three years prior. And I was like, I was like being outwardly annoyed. I was like, first of all, I don't think she's crazy. I think when men call women crazy, it's a cop-out and they're usually reacting to men's behavior. So that's just not really, it doesn't really work for me.
I'm a girl's girl. Number two, why do you have these texts so easily accessible? That was three years ago. And he was like, well, you know, you can just like, type in like a name and whatever. And I'm like, I would have deleted that thread.
Like three years? Also, this is- No, not three years, sir.
Also, this is a first date. So why are you doing all this? Anyway, I couldn't have been more excited. to get away from him. Basically sprinted to valet, made it very, oh, he was like, well, she kissed me on the first date.
That's crazy, isn't it? And I was like, yep. I never kissed on the first date ever. I've never done that in my entire life. Cause I wanted it to be so clear.
I was like, I would rather honestly stick your gripper in my mouth than your tongue. Like you are literally disgusting. If I had to choose, like he is just, ugh. Anyway, we leave. I peel out.
Faster, I'm in fast five. Like I am weaving in and out of traffic. I am Toretto. And at one point I saw him behind me and he was like kind of following my pattern and he was going fast. And I'm like, oh, you're not seeing anywhere I'm going.
So drove off from the sunset. I'm sorry if that was too long winded. It is what it is. He did text me once and asked me if I got home. okay.
And then I blocked him.
Dude, I can't, like, that is fucking insane. I'm very impressed that you stuck it out. If stuff was going bad for me like that, I would, I'd probably just be like the girl in the movie.
Well, no, I was sorry.
I can't.
I was gonna ask you, have you ever done that? Have you ever left a date, mid date?
I've never left like mid date, but like I've not gone on the date because someone had a fiance.
I've never left mid date, but I do. That's why I was saying I like coffee dates, cause I want it short and concise, because I think a lot of the worst dates I've had are just ones when I feel like I'm being held hostage. Like it's like Liam Neeson's about to pop out of the corner somewhere and being taken. Like I just don't, I want to get out of there, cause there's no chemistry.
Yeah, no, it's usually one of those things where you're like, wow, like I'm just like, the ick is just, it's all consuming. And you're like, I can't wait to never see this person again. I'm thinking about, I want to strangle this person right now. I wish I could put a pillow over their face.
I have one other, this is horrifying, but this is a story in which I slept with someone. This is one of the only times I've like done this on a first date that like, I slept with him because I knew I didn't like him and I hadn't had sex in a really long time. And I was like, fine, whatever, we can hook up.
And Kate fucked him?
No, he said one of the worst things that someone's ever said to me during sex. So I feel like I have to tell the story. Okay. Do I have to tell you this? Is this psychotic to share?
Okay. Okay. So I go out this guy, first of all, I immediately can tell he's very different than I met him on a dating app. I could tell he was different than what I thought he was going to be. As far as an energy standpoint, he was very just like blah in person.
So we sit down at the table and he gets annoyed and fixated kind of in a Larry, less hot Larry David way on, like weird details. He was like, the server is taking too long. Oh, they brought this first. They shouldn't have done that. Oh, they're standing too close to us.
Oh, that door over there. Like he. just, he kept complaining about so many little things throughout the meal. And then he whined to me about his ex for most of the conversation. And we were supposed to go to a movie, but something happened, we weren't able to go.
And I remember this is when, I want to call it Bird Box, but it's not called Bird Box. That movie was Sandra Bullock about. the can't look at scary things.
I think it's called Bird Box.
Well, Bird Box.
Bird Box it is.
That had just come out and everyone's talking about it. I'm like, okay, yeah, we can go watch that movie. And then I'm sitting there and I was like, and actually I saw a TikTok once and people were talking about like women, you know, toxic men will have this. take that women, you know, don't have self-worth or whatever if they have sex with you on a first date.
We don't respect you. So I knew I was-.
Sometimes it's like, it's called being like sex positive and who cares?
Totally. So, but I also knew, I knew I wasn't gonna go out with him again, but I'm like, okay, well, I haven't had sex in a long time, so I'm game to hook up. Like we had been drinking, drinking mostly to get through our date. We hook up, we're hooking up. He looks me dead in the eyes.
I am so fucking serious right now and goes, you're not gonna come, are you?
Katie, dead in my eyes. You're not gonna come, are you? With like a furrowed brow.
What did you say? You're like, no.
Well, literally in my head, I was like, well, not now. I was like, and it wasn't going horribly. It wasn't like a bad hookup. So I was like, this is such a weird, like thing. And he basically trapped me in a snuggle after.
So I did stay the night. He-.
Okay, you not only slept with him, then you spent the night?
I stayed the night. He got up to pee.
Are you a masochist?
I know, no, I'm telling, again, I wasn't. well. I was medicated at that time, but not doing well. When he got up to pee, I put like the Bruce Almighty, in reverse. My clothes were on so quick.
He walked in and was shocked because I was dressed and I was like, okay, bye. And then I'm going to leave and he's sitting and he's like, wait, stop. I hear someone outside talking. I hate saying goodbye when people are talking outside. And I was like, this is, you're so weird.
I can't wait to never see you again. Anyway, I never saw him again.
Imagine saying to someone, you're not going to come, are you, during sex.
I think I have said that, though.
You've said that?
Of course, with a guy that's like drunk and you're like, are you like-?
No, that is a different thing. That's like a functionality issue. So, of course, I have. No, that's a different, wait, that's not being like, I'm not pleasuring you and it's making me mad. That's like, hey, is this ever going to happen?
It seems like it's not.
Yeah, that's what I mean. So you asked, have you ever said that? And I was like, mm-hmm, that's true.
I just don't see you saying it in that context, in that way.
No.
It's a different way.
No, yeah.
Anyway, I'm done relaying these because it's like honestly so, triggering. But I mean, growth. Shows how far we've come, because I would never put up with this shit now. And in 2024, I do want to leave dates that are bad. Like, I think that's such a bossy move and just being like, hey, I'm sorry, I'm not having a good time.
It's like telling your nail tech, you don't like your nails or your hairstylist, you don't like your hair. It's a hard conversation to have, but important.
Because I feel like mostly women, we're like conditioned or feel like we have to just be affable and smile and tell people, just be nice always. And I don't, first of all, I don't like to be nice. If someone, I just, I have to remove myself from the situation before I get mean. As soon as you see that one, I was on Instagram, I don't remember who posted it, but this girl, who was a pro golfer and she was working on her swing and this guy kept trying to come and explain to her what she was doing wrong. And she kept saying over and over, she goes, no, I'm just, I'm changing up my swing.
I'm changing up my swing. Like, this is what it looks like when I'm changing up my swing. Like using terms that, like people who know golf would do. And she kept saying like, well, if you ever, if you watch golf, you know that this is how they do it. He's like, I've been playing for 20 years.
I've been playing for 20 years. And then she's like, okay, why? I know why. She says in her mind, like, I have to make this one look good because otherwise it's gonna get on my ass. And so she does it.
And then they go, see, there you go. As if, like his advice to her, like was what made her swing, finally like work. And she goes, I'm like, I was just like wanting to like tell this girl, I'm like, just tell him to fuck off. Don't be nice anymore.
Oh, I was screaming through the phone. That been, the thing is, cause. it's a shared experience that every woman has had between mansplaining, telling you to smile, telling you how to behave. I'm like, she should have taken that golf club and beat the shit out of him.
That's probably the path I would have taken. It would have been up his ass and out his fucking eyeball.
The fucking corner. And then I would have bent him over like the fucking flamingos in Alice in Wonderland and used him to golf. I'm, like, sir, absolutely off with his head. Well, and also, when I saw a meme once, and I think that we should all start employing this. Someone was like, on, the meme was like, next time a man tells you to smile, we should all be keeping blood capsules in our purse and then pop one in and bite it and then smile with blood coming out.
I love it so much. Should we do that?
I want to do it. I just don't like being told what to do. Or like the guy I was telling you last night when he's like, oh, like, what are you doing here? I went to his club. What are you doing here?
Oh, I don't know if this was your scene. I didn't know. you liked this kind of music. Well, you know what? You don't know me at all.
So that would make perfect fucking sense. why you don't know why I'm here and what kind of music I like, because you don't know me, right? For you to sit here and be a condescending douchebag, it's just, it's embarrassing. Like, I just want to be like, I had to get away from him because as the night went on, I was just like, you are exposing yourself so badly and I'm not gonna be very nice to you. And no matter how rude he was being to me all night, like just the poking and the prodding, me snapping on him is gonna be the thing.
He, you know, didn't matter how he was behaving all night, me reacting to it is what would be the issue.
Well, and you know this about me. I am very much the friend in the friend group when we're out. If someone will not take no for an answer,
literally basement chaps my ass. more than anything. I'd rather listen to a thousand loud motorcycles going by before I had to deal with that. I will say no, thank you politely, once. I will, I know it's hard to believe, but I really will.
I'll say it nicely once. If you do not get the fucking memo one time, I am so quick to get in someone's basement, get the fuck out of here. And I don't give, and they'll be like, oh, what? We're just having fun. I can't buy you a drink, it's not cool.
I'm like, what don't you understand about consent? Because we've talked about this before. Straight men understand consent immediately when they feel like a gay man is hitting on them and they're threatened. All of a sudden. they wrote a goddamn book on consent.
But when a woman is telling you, get the fuck out of my face, what she's the problem, she's the mean one, I don't care. And also like, that's also things from my past of like, I. just, when a man is trying to make me feel intimidated, specifically physically, I like, I will go ape shit. So just, yeah, we're done being polite. On My Favorite Murder, one of my favorite podcasts, the only true crime podcast I listen to, because they're so funny, fuck politeness.
Give them full credit for that. So yeah, fuck politeness. Listen to your intuition, it also will keep you safe.
Like, get out of my face. Like, as much as I know, that girl's probably just trying to like, keep the peace and not make a scene or anything like that, like, who cares? Like, that's why, we're not gonna move the needle further if we're all just like, nice, just to, you know, not make a scene, because that's what they want.
Do you know how the peace can be kept? If they mind their fucking business.
By disrupting it.
By going away, by leaving us alone. Yeah, I'm like, ugh. Anyway, the visual of him as the flamingo is so funny to me right now, but yeah, that guy is disgusting.
Basement, that's who, oh, that's what's going on in my basement.
Okay, well then, I guess, a segue, spoiler alert.
Mansplaining.
Okay, tell me who's in your basement this week.
Well, just mansplainers in general. People that just, they think that they have the authority on everything, you know, they want to own everything, and it can be, I guess it could also just be people that just think they just know it all. Yeah. I hate know-it-all behavior. I think it's fine if you want to share your knowledge on something, but like, this man trying to flex on a pro, because he'd done it for 20 years, okay, but she's like, clearly knows what she's doing.
I don't know, it irks me to my core, that behavior.
Also, would that man have said that if that was another man? No! Correct.
Take him. Yeah, and then just anyone that wants to come around, just, I don't know, be authority on your life and what you're doing. The guy last night, ooh, is this your scene? Do you belong here? I'd be like, ooh, Helen knows the owning.
Yeah, I know a lot of fucking people here. Like, what the fuck, why are you in my face? Why are you talking to me? Go away. Go in the basement.
Who's in your basement?
I feel really passionate about this one this week. I'm like, this is more serious, but I'm fucking furious. The Alabama Supreme Court is in the basement for me this week. Did you see that the ruling they just made on frozen embryos? They are now legally children.
They are looked upon, they're not looked upon as property. now, they are looked upon as children, which is funny, because if you stick a child in the freezer, they don't think you're allowed to do that. It's new legislation that passed, and the chief justice that worked on it quoted, I'm not even kidding you, the Bible. He quoted a Bible verse in his ruling. Don't know if you guys know this, separation, church, and state.
The implications of this are absolutely insane. I mean, it's all-.
Because it costs money to keep those, and also they don't last.
So now there's- There's a shelf life. Exactly, so. now there's this whole thing about the costs of which fertility treatments are also already very expensive. It's gonna skyrocket because of liability. A couple clinics in Alabama have already stopped doing IVF now.
because are they going to be, if something happens? and it's like abuse of a child, neglect of a child, death of a child, if you use, you get 10 embryos together, you fertilize them, you use one and it takes, so now you have nine left. If they destroy them, now, our couple's gonna be forced to donate their fertilized embryos to people. so they don't destroy them.
This is a dystopian.
I hope you guys like wearing bonnets. We are careening toward the Handmaid's Tale. It's very, very scary. That's why it's so important to vote. This obviously all started with Roe v.
Wade being overturned, but I just could not believe it. Like again-.
Oh, my Lord.
A seed is not a flower. You can't freeze a child. You can't. They're literally looked at the same as a human living child that's been born. A frozen embryo.
That I just- I just don't know how people in their right minds, they all came to this consensus and they're like, agreed, yes, 100%.
I mean, it's so scary. It was an all pro-life court. It's really, really sad. These embryos are so small, you cannot see them with your eye.
But why is it only those kind of lives that they care about? That's what I'm wondering.
Right, because once they're born and they're impoverished or in a bad system.
Women who are pregnant, unborn, eggs.
Because you don't have to have responsibility for that.
Yeah, that's the only lives they care about, the ones that aren't even living. Correct. The lives out here that, you know, whether it's unhoused people, whether it's immigrants, whether it's children who don't have families already, whether it's, they, don't give a fuck about those people.
They don't give a fuck. And then they complain about, you know, using government resources.
But frozen embryos, we're gonna, you know, and we're gonna possibly like what, like if people, if they're destroyed, then who's, murder? Like, are you joking me? Does that mean you're also not allowed to let them expire? This is so impossible. It's like back against the wall.
Like this is, they don't understand that this isn't a perfect science either. Like this is life, like changing in the most impactful, amazing way for a lot of people who can't conceive naturally. And this has changed for the better, but like it's not perfect.
Well, I think that to your point, Leah, they, analysts were talking about it and were saying, we just don't even know the full scope, but those are just some examples of what, what is, how is this law gonna be interpreted? Anyway, the entire Alabama Supreme Court, get in my fucking basement. Basement, locked, I'm done with you.
What about the people who already have frozen embryos before this law was?
Right, well, we don't know yet.
Well, they should have figured it out. They can't pass something without having everything sort of laid out. That's, that should be the rule. That's like making something illegal when so many people already have that thing. Totally.
Yeah, their cars are illegal now.
Well.
Get your unicycles out. What makes sense? Cause this is a fucking circus. These are clowns, this is clown behavior. What do you mean, like all cars are illegal?
Like moving forward or cars, like, it's like, I don't know. It doesn't, it doesn't make any sense to me.
Ugh, anyway, I can't even discuss this anymore. Should we do WWDD?
Let's do WWDD.
Let's lighten it back up.
So Katie says, love your podcast. The topics are great. The cadence is perfect. You're both so funny and articulate and have interesting perspectives. Thank you.
Thanks, babe. Thanks for creating such a great pod. You're welcome. My question is how much name calling during fights is acceptable? My partner and I have been together for eight years, and the furthest I'll ever go is calling him dumb or stupid, which even I've tried my best to refrain from in recent years, but he'll call me R and dumb.
We're gonna bleep those out, but I think I'm a bit hardened and numb to it all. I'm sure, I'm not sure what's normal, to be honest. None of that's normal. None. Holy shit.
Zero. Those are, I get it. I'm the worst when it comes to fight, because I go like into a rage, blackout and I will say the meanest shit. I can be, the meanest fucking person. I have a very sharp tongue and I just want to say things to hurt.
I just want to hurt. It doesn't matter what I say. I don't mean it. I'm like, I just go like, what's the meanest thing I can think of right now, blah, and it comes out my mouth. And it's not okay.
And I've tried to like, in those moments where I feel myself going there, like count to 10, just to like, relax, so I don't get mean, but like, none of this is okay. And if he's, and if you are working on it to like, get yourself centered and not go to that dark place and he's not, then like, I'm afraid. maybe this is not like a healthy relationship to be in.
Katie, I was about to lock my basement. I'm unlocking it and shoving your partner down there too. Fuck your partner, first of all. One of these words is literally a slur. So you shouldn't be with someone who's using language like that.
in general. It's very different when a man is calling a woman. that is the most derogatory thing a man can say to a woman. So for me, none of this is normal. Like, and also, if you're becoming jaded and numb to it, that means that this has been happening for a good amount of time and there's been overexposure.
So please dump him immediately. Do not take this. I think there is a normal level in fighting. I think dumb or stupid. occasionally, as long as you're apologizing and you're self-aware that you don't wanna say those things when you're fighting, that's fine.
But that is so insidious, a dumb bitch.
Yeah, I mean, I got, I became like very numb to really toxic, like emotionally abusive behavior, to the point where, like I, just, I became like a shell and I got really deep into it and took a long time to pull myself out of it. So don't, don't do it, don't do it.
Dump him. Well, you can't date him anyway because he'll be in my basement. So good luck saving him. Yeah. Amber says, love the pod.
Thank you for what you beautiful ladies are doing. Here it goes, got a pretty embarrassing question. My man and I have really great sex. I mean, 9.5 out of 10, but even when I'm into it, 100% of my mind wanders, like fairly often. I'm not just bored, but other things will pop into my mind.
It doesn't ruin the mood or ruin my time. And it doesn't always take my focus, but is that normal? Or is it just nonstop anxiety brain that can't stop thinking? I actually can't relate to this in the sense that I have such a busy mind, obviously, and like have OCD, that it, sex is one of the only times that I can completely disassociate in a good way. Like.
I don't do that, but I would say my first thought on this would be if you're still enjoying it and it's still a 9.
5 out of 10, who cares if the peanut gallery is going off while that's happening?
No, I think it's normal. But if you want to be more engaged in it and not like have your mind wandering, I mean.
I would say maybe, if you're comfortable enough, it sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship, even talking to your partner about that, being like, hey, I've been really distracted. Maybe you need to have some verbal dirty talk happening.
I was gonna say maybe have, yeah, like, be a little more vocal with one another, because it seems like if you're just sort of like, if there's silence.
Yeah, I could see how that's, you're not having a conversation and having conversation in your brain. So I'd say talk to your partner about it and maybe have a little bit more, little more dirty verbalization. But I also think it is probably normal. So don't like be too weird about it. And if you're still coming, then you're good to go.
Yeah, honestly. Victoria says, my fiance and I are not having sex. I have not been the most confident through our relationship about my body, which has caused our sex life to suffer. When bringing up the issue to my fiance, he claims that our sex life is not the most important thing in our relationship. I realized I have put up walls.
that makes being intimate more challenging. Can you help me come up with ways to be more comfortable or initiate sex that will get things going and help break these mental barriers? Disrespectfully and mad horny, yours. Victoria, I love that. God, I've been there, been there, been there, been there, been there.
Who hasn't?
I know, honestly. And I think, just being like totally, you brought it up and he said it's not the most important thing. And that's really nice of him. But like, I think he's also kind of like lying, maybe to make you feel better. But like, and I lied to myself.
I think me and Tom both lied to ourselves. And we're like, it's not the most important thing, because one day when we're old and we can't have, it's no, it's absolutely important. And so if he's saying it's not the most important thing to your relationship, you can say, okay, that's really nice of you to say, but I think it actually is. being intimate is important to me. And I think we need to work on ways that we can, like light this fire together.
I also think you need to keep in mind that 99.
99999% of men really don't give a shit and are just happier and naked in the room. Like, I know that that is hard to remember because we all have moments where we're not feeling good about ourselves. So even if it's a thing where you're like, hey, I want to be more sexual, but to start it off, cause I'm not super comfortable. If you want to have sex with the lights off, then do that. If it makes you more comfortable, if you want to, it sounds like you guys have really open communication.
I do think he's lying to you a little bit and to himself, and that's okay, cause he's doing it for the greater good. Like he's not being malicious, but I think talk about it and express to him, like I have trouble with my body right now, my body image, and I'm sure he'll also want to gas you up and point out like the way that we care about cellulite and shit. And men are like, I just want to see that ass in reverse. You know, I just, I don't care. So try and remember that, go easier on yourself.
And I would say, open communication. And you know, you're going to have to maybe get a lot uncomfortable, get frisky and initiate. Like. there's no way we can help you do that. besides, just doing it.
Like, you'll have to just execute and then you guys are going to have some good sex. And once that gets into a rhythm, I think it'll inspire more sex to happen.
I mean, if you want to initiate, I mean, I don't, I think men have a hard time turning down like blowjob.
I was about to say.
And then it goes from there. So like, like, maybe like a morning time, little, you know, session there.
Just start going down on him somewhere.
I think that's a good time.
Love you, go easy on yourself.
Yeah.
Anonymous says, intimacy question. In the past, after having sex with a guy, they stopped talking to me. One, when do you feel comfortable having sex with someone, knowing they won't drop you after? Two, how do I get past this and not let it affect me for future potential partners? First of all, you can date someone for two years and they can drop you after.
You can't, you cannot let what people have done you in the past carry over. And trust me, I am the queen of this. But the thing is, people can, you can wait on the first date, have sex, they could drop you. You could have 15 dates, finally have sex with them and then they could drop you. It is just a fact of life.
So I think you need to look at this more as a blessing that this person exposed themselves, because that is not someone, what a fucking penis wrinkle. Why would you want them in your life? And just do your best to not assume every single person is going to be, is going to behave that way, because it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you'll bring those kinds of people in your life.
Yeah, and I think it's just kind of owning what your relationship with sex is too. Is it something that you're like, this is something I only want to do with someone I'm dating long-term? Then that's totally fine. Then maybe don't introduce that into a relationship or something that you're dating until it is more exclusive and you have this conversation, period. But it doesn't mean things won't work out.
Obviously, you can't predict the future. But if it's something that you're like, listen, I don't care. I have sex with people. when I want to have sex with them. It doesn't matter.
I own that. It's not for people to take from me. I give it when I want to give it. I think it's just kind of like exploring that, your own intimacy and your relationship to sex, if that makes sense.
Which is such an important thing because I, for a long time, didn't realize I was using sex as a path to try and get closeness to people. And it just like-.
That's what I mean.
It's so detrimental. So I would say, if you're even questioning that right now, you should err more on the side. of, you should probably wait to be having sex with whoever. And sometimes it does take trust and time. And, like I've said before, I choose to wait to have sex with certain people.
I'm interested in more because I know it clouds my judgment on. it's harder to decipher if they are an asshole or not. So I'd say take more time. And heal and don't judge yourself based on what some dipshit did to you.
No, yeah. So yeah. They're all dipshits, by the way.
Also on the basis of the person who did that to you.
Okay. Anonymous, I don't need advice, but I'd love to hear what you both have experienced in terms of spirituality. I love seeing Katie do tarot readings in earlier seasons of VPR. As a reader myself, on my own healing journey, I'm always down to hear stories about people experiencing, synchronistic or out of this world, events that made you feel like there's gotta be something bigger at play. I like, I just love that whole entire like element in the world of like the occult or just tarot.
And we both recently got a really great reading from this woman named Kate. And it's just, for me, it's always really great when it just kind of connects up, like with energy shifts that I'm already feeling. And someone can kind of pick up on that through like a reading as well. Just like, it's just kind of like confirming. I don't like to read too much into it, but like it's, I think, if you're like already like in touch very much with your own like intuition and trusting that to guide you, and then something else can pick up on that as well, you're like, all right, I'm killing it right now.
That's how I use it.
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