#651 - ARI SHAFFIR

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You guys ready to start tonight's episode, or what?

You guys are in for a very special treat. You know, sometimes I have multiple guests on and sometimes it gets a little too fucking busy for my liking. Too many people trying to chime in, the show doesn't get to breathe. Sometimes the people don't know the show that well and they're doing this and that. This is a special episode because this is a fucking veteran of the Kill Tony guest game coming on solo.

He's been stuck with a ton of people on every episode that he's been on recently and we have him here all by himself. He is truly my big brother, one of my favorite mentors in the history of my fucking career and a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart. Comedy store legend. You know him from all of his hit specials, all of his hit podcasts. One of the funniest human beings on planet Earth and one of my favorite humans of all time.

Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari Shapir, everybody. Oh shit! Oh shit! Let's go!

Yes!

Ari Shapir and his band of minions. Oh my God. You have the craziest balls of all time. It never gets old. Every time I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Oh God. Watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing. It's like watching a baby be fucking pushed back into the womb, or something like that. Seven pounds, eight ounces of nuts.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. Was that a yarmulke I saw in one of them?

It's unbelievable. You put the men in menorah. Those fucking things are wild, dude. Make some noise for Ari Shapir, everybody. Coming in with a fucking bang.

We're going to have fun tonight. Good to be back, Tony. Good to be back, Red Band. Good to be back, band. We love you.

I've been looking forward to this. The show's gotten a little bit bigger lately than it was ever before. Yeah, I heard you're doing the Hebrew Center. Yes. Yeah.

Madison Square Garden. Two nights. You're going to take a tunnel there. Am I correct? That's the Kike Arena.

From the Hebrew Center to the Kike Arena. Tony, you can do no wrong. It is unbelievable. I'll dig you a route from here to there. I love it.

I cannot fucking wait. We're at the point now where a lot of the biggest comedians in the world hit me up and they're like, hey, can I do the show, this and that? I've been telling you for a month or two, I wanted you to be on fucking Solo. Just me and you. We'll fucking get into this shit.

You know how it works.

219 human beings signed up tonight. Wow.

219.

. One just slipped out. We'll let that be the first fucking bucket pull of the night. Is that a real human? No.

Heavyweight champion of da world? It's a stage name. It's a stage name? Okay. His stage name is heavyweight champion of da world.

You know this for a fact? Okay. The producers are saying yes. They literally, everybody has to fucking sign a thing. What's the extra chair for?

I feel like my step mom is going to show up. I don't know. She's a man. I don't know. Just in case anything crazy happens.

Okay. Anything can happen here. on Kill Tony. The whole show is improvised. in Austin.

There's a lot of rabble rousers running around. So while they go, get the heavyweight champion of da world, let me remind y'all that comedians on this show get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, the great and powerful Ari Shaffir.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

Well, they're still grabbing da heavyweight champion of da world. He spelled it with a D-A? It was D-A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a good sign, by the way.

It could be a great sign. But while we grab him, there's only one way to start a show like this with one of our most esteemed regulars. You know, when we found this guy, he was poor, he was selfless, and he was smart. And now he is rich, he has an ego, and he's dumb. You guys know the theme song?

This is Hans Kim!

You can start with fetuses, work your way up to Filipinos.

I recently went to Louisville. They have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali Airport. Who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking?

Is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's disease?

Ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been doing a lot of 69.

That's where I have sex with sixes, and I think I'm a nine. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

Okay. 44 seconds from Hans Kim. Coming in a little bit light in the loafers tonight. I like the jokes. I thought it was longer.

I'm sorry, my timing's a little off. Why do you think your timing is off this week? This week? I don't know. Maybe the girlfriend not being with me anymore.

I'm single. You got dumped?

I feel like I've already done the jokes that I've had. for that. You guys will have to listen two weeks from now. What is going on right now? Why don't you give us an update, Hans?

What's with this outfit, brother? This is... What are you trying to do with your life? Why this whole thing? Besides the shoes.

With the immigration crisis, I thought it'd be good to let these people know which side I'm on. You're on the white side of history. You look like a sales rep for Ping.

Is this free clothing or did you buy it? I bought most of this. What didn't you buy?

I bought.

. Everything, but this jacket. This jacket, my mom bought me from Korea.

Did she just buy you that jacket solo, or did it come with a box of other goodies? Just the jacket. I was like, hey, mom, I need a jacket. She got it for me. Very nice lady.

What's going on in your life? that's exciting, Hans? Anything, this week? I've been crushing puss. I met a...

Tell us about that. There you go. That's what we like to know about. That's interesting. This is the first time you've given us an update.

This is different than your ex-girlfriend? Yes. This is completely different. women. Women?

Yes. More than one? Yes. You ever stop and think how lucky you are?

Yeah. A lot of people have been reminding me how much I don't deserve it or whatever.

Tell us about the new puss, Hans. We've been hearing about the same girl for a couple of years. This is all new, right? Yeah. It was in Springfield.

This girl had a real strong grip. Gave me a strong, gripped hand job. I had to fucking get wrist control, fucking back out. Whoa, look at that. Look at that.

Then she tried to finger my butthole. I was like, I'm wearing jeans. Then she squeezed my balls and I was like, ouch. Okay. Yeah.

I need to take a walk. I took a little breather. Yep. Ari Shaffir. I have a question.

Is that what you call crushing puss?

That seemed more like love on the spectrum, like really.

Holy shit.

At what point did you crush puss, Hans? You got your balls squoze, a finger in your jeans and a hard hand job. Where did the puss come into play? I was fingering her the whole time. Wow.

Okay. All right. You were crushing puss with your finger.

Springfield, Missouri? Yes. Wow, dude. Very beautiful lady. Was she beautiful?

Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. All right. You see, there, he's got a lot of momentum early on.

Gets a little excited with those buttons. Okay. We went to the Bass Pro Shop. That's the first Bass Pro Shop. It's in Springfield.

We went to the aquarium there. You wifey'd her? You started going out with this chick? Yeah, that's the only way I can get laid. Nice, bro.

You have to hang out with them first. Yeah, a long time. Right.

Okay. So it was just one girl? It was her, and then the beautiful Angelica. She's here tonight. Oh, she's here?

Yes. Okay, what happened with Angelica? She and I had sex yesterday. Wow, here in Austin? Yes.

And this is like a fan of yours, a fan of the show? Yeah, she mentioned me in a story and I was like, holy shit.

And then she did that three times, and then the fourth time. She could. She could. Right. Because you, you're very persistent.

We know that you have rapey energies. I can't means nothing to you. I can't means ask again. At least I asked. I have a fridge full of kimchi.

Yeah. You grabbed my dick really hard. Was that the one that grabbed your dick hard? No, she's got a very gentle touch. Okay.

Is Angelica just visiting? No, she's moved here from Houston. Wow. Oh, my goodness. You gonna do this again with Angelica?

Yeah, hopefully tonight. Wow. Where's Angelica at? Do you see her? She's up there in the booth.

Okay. You got her a spot on the VIP balcony, huh? Wow. I didn't know that you had access to that part of the guest list. I was actually trying to avoid her.

These are my people, but I guess you're squeezing, all they have to do is mention you in their stories, and all of a sudden they're sitting where Elon Musk sits when he comes to a show. That's all it takes. Just DM, Hans, Kim, everybody. How is that possible? But you got to skip the aquarium with this one.

This was straight to fun, huh? Yeah, no aquarium, just straight to the wet pussy. Angelica, if the place could stay quiet for a second. Angelica, how is Hans in bed?

Is she a cat?

Meow, meow. Ten out of ten? Meow, meow. Meow. Very good.

Meow.

Ten out of ten. She seemed coached on that answer. Yeah. Ten out of ten.

Jesus Christ. Pretty Asian for a Mexican girl. She's Mexican. Oh, she's Mexican? Did you use protection?

Nope. Oh, Hans. Whoa. Oh, boy. Big mistake.

Oh, my goodness. Well, we're going to need updates on what happens from here, Hans. Keep us posted on the newborn baby that you're going to have. No protection. Did you pull out?

Yes, I pulled out. Okay. Yeah, on her stomach and back. Taking a chance. You might have a bow in the oven right now, dude.

Nothing on that? That's pretty good. BAO? Nothing? Did that not translate?

I thought that was good. Okay.

Hans, good job. Great interview, as always. His interviews are unbelievable. He did it in 45 seconds. He's back, folks.

Single Hans is back. Last week, he was still fucking his ex. When this episode comes out. He's upset? He was upset about the girl?

They just broke up, and he was fucking his ex the whole time. This is the first time we've heard of Hans getting actual new pussy in forever. Two in a week? Yeah. What the fuck's happening to society?

I'm telling you, dude. These fucking chicks love comedy. The quickest way to a girl's vagina is by making her laugh.

Or having really compelling interviews, it seems. You guys having fun? Well, you know what time it is. He's ready. We're going to meet him all together.

I introduced you for the first time on the show. The heavyweight champion of da world, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted, for the first bucket pool of the night. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the heavyweight champion of da world.

Oh, shit. Let's go.

A pedophile, a war criminal, and a Jew are digging a tunnel underneath New York City. They all look at each other and say, Mazel tov.

I'm Mexican, if you couldn't tell. If you couldn't tell, you need to step your fucking prejudice game up. I'm one of the good ones, though. I believe we should close the border and build that wall, baby.

Close that fucking can. That's enough beans.

I love being here in Austin. The other day, I saw the most perfect woman. She was so beautiful and so stupid. She was like, I hate white, straight men. I was like, hell, yeah.

I wonder how much she hates the gay, brown ones.

I hate fat people.

They're always so excited to see me, because they are no longer the fattest person in the room. That's me. That's my title. Heavyweight champion of da world, baby.

Wow. OK. Well, you got the heavyweight part right.

I love it. Welcome to the show, heavyweight champion of da world. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Off and on 10 years, but started taking it seriously in March. OK.

Why do you look like you're pregnant with triplet Stavroses? Lots of Mexican food. Tortillas, man, from San Antonio. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

I've never seen a lopsided fat before. It is incredible. A little fun fact you guys can't see is a few times he put his arm behind his back while he was performing. And he has an actual shelf back there. Can you show the people?

There is a shelf for his arm. That's pretty convenient. I love it. You have a tank top and a tank body. This is absolutely incredible.

You make big pun look small. No doubt about it. What do you do for work, heavyweight champion of da world? I'm a TikToker. TikTok?

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Is that the noise your pacemaker makes all the time?

I'm a food blogger on TikTok. A food blogger. Holy shit. Wow. Wow.

Perfect job. No one more fitting for the job than you. Yeah. It's incredible. Those capris, what would we even call those?

Are those shorts? They might be longs. They are wider than they are long. So you make a living doing TikToks? Yeah, mostly.

It's probably like 50% of my income. The other 50% is coming from Uber driving. Uber driving. Yeah. Okay.

What kind of car do you Uber in? I got a 2022 Altima. Wow. When someone says, hey, we have four. Can we sit one up front?

You go, no.

No, they can, but I kind of hate it. Uh-huh. Okay. And what ethnicity are you? I'm Mexican.

Step your prejudice game up. No, I had a feeling. I was just making sure. You could have easily been aggressively Greek or something like that. Aggressively Greek, I mean.

Aggressively, yeah. That could be. I love it. So you live here in Austin, Texas? No, I live in San Antonio.

All right. This is what a lot of people from San Antonio look like, by the way. For those of you wondering. I'm the San Antonio mascot. Hell yeah.

Damn. How's the diabetes? It's not there yet, surprisingly. When's the last time you saw a doctor?

In the summer of last year. And what happened last summer? that you went and visited a doctor? One of my friends died in his sleep. So I was like, oh shit.

I took that as a warning. Yeah. That's what you needed as a warning?

Shit was coming out thick, dude. And I mean, yeah, he was like, you need to get healthier or you're going to fucking die. Straight up. What have you done since then to get healthier? Have you lost weight?

Have you added weight? What do you think? Yeah, I have lost some weight. I've gained some back over the holidays. But I stopped drinking.

What were you drinking before? Beer and tequila, Lone Star. Okay. Screwball, peanut butter, whiskey. Okay.

Hell yeah. All right. How much did you weigh, buddy? Like 520.. 520..

Absolutely unbelievable. And when you are sleeping, do you have trouble breathing and stuff like that? No, no, no, no. I'm good. I'll take a nap right now.

No, I'm just kidding.

Okay. Do you think like food, blogging is probably a bad idea, though? I mean, I don't know. Pays the bills. I trust him on it.

If diet tips, I would not go for it. This is Texas. Blogging and blobbing. Both of these things. Here for a good time.

Not a long time, man. What's your love life like? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Is there a Mrs. piece of shit?

Every single one of them is insane and not on some gas lighting shit. They're all on ketamine and fucking supremely depressed. But usually they're pretty hot. Where do you meet these ketamine-fueled depressed girls? Dude, San Antonio.

They're all in the food service industry.

That's a very honest answer. Honesty goes a long way in these interviews. I mean, the ultimate note. The thing to think about. I'm like a D-list celebrity in San Antonio for vlogging.

That goes a long way.

You take them back to your bed? What kind of bed are we looking at here? I usually take them to a hotel room. Why would you take a girl to a hotel room? My mom's disabled.

I take care of my mom, but I take care of my mom since I was 12 years old. What's her disability? She's got a fucked up back. She's got four herniated discs in her neck. And then just several other things that stem from there.

And you don't? No, no. I work like 60 hours a week. I'm pretty good. How old are you?

36.

. Is your mom a big lady too? Yeah, but she got weight loss surgery like two years ago. So she's slimming down. Have you thought about getting the surgery?

Yeah, I did. I did think about it. I was going to get it. And then I lost like 30K in crypto. Oh, crypto.

30 kilos.

Wow. So the crypto market is the reason why you're not getting the surgery? Yeah, basically. Okay. To the ground.

That's a crypto. He's trying to do a crypto joke. Wow. Okay. So how much do you need for this surgery?

Do you know? Last time I checked, I went in the summer of 16K.

16K? 16,000.. That doesn't seem like that much. That's how much it is? Yeah, but I can't get a loan on it, and I don't have health insurance, so.

Why don't we do something fun? Why don't we, when this episode comes out, why don't we do that? Who from the audience would like to give $16,000 to? Anybody?

Anybody? No? Wait, so what are you going to say, though? I think that you should do a fucking GoFundMe, and when this episode comes out, we'll funnel people to it, and maybe it'll change it. You don't have long to live.

I know, I know. I don't know how direct your doctor was to you. Sudden death, he said. Yeah. Verbatim.

Yeah, there's no doubt about it. You have like fucking minutes, dude. It's actually, you might not make it to the episode release. We're like two or three weeks behind. We'll put it in the link on the YouTube, so right below, if you make it, it's going to be down there.

I guarantee you we raise enough money for you to have the surgery. One penny a person, we'll get you there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean. But you have to fucking, you have to spend it on the surgery. No doubt about it, man.

I take care of my mom. I work so much, and. But if you raise $17,000, you could use leftovers for tacos.

I'm down, baby. All right, there he goes. Heavyweight champion of the world. Here's a medium-sized joke book. There you go.

Boom. Right in the middle of his tits.

Absolutely nailed it. All right, let's keep it moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Wayne McCracken. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Wayne McCracken, live here on. Kill Tony.

Here he is. Make some noise for Wayne, everybody.

Here's the thing.

What is not retarded about me is the fact that I think evolution is real. Do we believe in evolution in this room? No? You don't think it's a real thing? Here's what I'll say.

I don't think it explains the human condition. I don't know how Homo sapiens somehow finagled their way to the top of the food chain. when they're prone to things like scoliosis and sunburns. Seems a little off. But I will tell you this.

This is how I know evolution is real. I've got one buddy. He was born with a vestigial tail, right? You know what his girlfriend calls it? The big one.

That's not even the worst one. I have another friend that was recently diagnosed with super gonorrhea, a very unfortunate diagnosis. This poor asshole didn't just get the clap. He got a standing ovation. You know what I'm saying?

Rawr. Okay. Wayne McCracken, absolutely flatlining up here. I mean, that was about as bad as it gets, Wayne. That's about it.

Oh, thanks. You know what sucks I forgot about? I'm on stage looking at No Laughter, so I'm also affected. We are not used to that. I feel bad.

We worked long and hard to never have that feeling. That's why I don't ever look them directly in the eyes when somebody's bombing that hard. I don't want to see what... It hurt. It hurt me too.

No, no, no. It didn't. You're having literally the best time of your life right now. Here's the thing. I'm really not.

I did too many drugs this afternoon. You're blaming it on the drugs, huh? It's my escape route. Do you think that that material would have gone differently if you did no drugs? Did you change your set list after doing the drugs?

Or you think your delivery was affected? All of the above. All of the above. You changed your set list after doing drugs? No, here's the real deal.

I just got here from Colorado. I got in 36 hours ago. I'm operating on eight hours of sleep. Once again, not an excuse. We are all operating off of eight hours of sleep, by the way.

Tony, I've been doing it for four and a half years. Oh, my God. That was your best minute that you could come up with here, on the biggest platform for stand-up comedians in the world? I knew I shouldn't have signed up. I'm not in the mood.

You're not in the mood?

You just went out in front of a million people. This is unbelievable. This is what I deserve, actually. Wayne, we are running on limited time. Stop rambling into the microphone.

Give us a redeeming quality about you. The entire room is against you. right now. You're filled with nothing but excuses and punch-line-less material. Give us something that we would like about you, Wayne McCracken.

You have your entire life to reference here. How old are you? 32 years old. 32 years of life story. This is your chance right now to turn this whole thing around.

Tell us something interesting about you right now. Go. I am a pedicabber. I was in Vegas where I would kidnap people and put them on my cab and extort them for money when I got off of them. Here is the world's tiniest joke book that we've ever given out.

This has been In Case of Emergency, Break Glass. Look how small that is. Just for those of you that might not know, this is a normal-sized small joke book. That is that size joke book. It has a sad face on the back of it and a KT on the front.

This is a medium-sized joke book. And this is a big-sized joke book. Red Band, we got the lighter reference. Very good. This is a big joke book.

This is the size that you're getting. Wayne, what do you do for a living? I'm a pedicabber. You're a pedicabber professionally. Have you ever had brain trauma or anything?

Yeah, when I was a kid, for sure, a lot. What happened? Football. Sure. Okay, what was the drugs that you did earlier?

Skateboarding. What was the drugs that you did earlier?

Weed, cocaine, and Voodoo Rangers, also known as the heroin of beers. You did cocaine? Did you bring it from Colorado with you or you got it on the streets here? The closer you get to the border, the better it gets. It's here now.

Cocaine is here in Austin. Right. So you got it here in the last 36 hours. Yeah. That's pretty cool.

You're a resourceful. I know pedicabbers are, yeah. Okay, the world's smallest joke book. You going to catch it? We're going to see if you can catch it.

It would be the only thing that you've accomplished. My only redeeming quality might have... He used his chest, though. Tony, I will try to do better next time. You suck.

There will be no next time, Wayne McCracken. He's blacklisted.

All right.

How we doing? How we doing, man? I'm so excited to be here tonight. I decided to wear what we call a woo-hoo shirt. You know what a woo-hoo shirt is?

Woo-hoo!

Now I'm on the apps, and most of the time when I say apps, people think I'm talking about appetizers, but I'm talking about Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, for this guy, Grindr.

I match with this girl, and she told me that she was a vegan, so, as you can tell, we didn't have too much in common. We decided to go out for drinks and not dinner, because there was no way I was going to pay for, like, rabbit food, you know? Drinks went well. We head back to my place. Things start getting hot and heavy, and, like the gentleman I am, I drop my hand down low.

She goes, I'm sorry. I'm on my period. I said, don't worry, baby. I eat my steak with a little bit of blood in it.

She wasn't having it. After a minute, you know, it started going back towards me. She started fighting the one-eyed champion, you know, jerking the gherkin. I said, baby, I'm sorry. You're going to have to put your mouth on it.

She goes, excuse me? You think a vegan would put meat in her mouth? I said, how else does a vegan girl get down? She put my legs behind my head and started tossing my salad.

Thank you. Wow. That's a lot of salad. That's one of those Olive Garden never-ending salad bowls right there.

There's a few croutons in that salad, I'm guessing. More like croutons.

Croutons. Oh, my goodness, gracious. How we doing? Frankie, welcome to the show. Thank you.

I like your, I can't tell whether you're hilarious or just going up after fucking Wayne McCracken makes anybody funny. No, I was back there and that guy fucking sucked. I'm probably not that funny. I love it. I love it.

You actually look like if the first two comedians made a baby together. It's incredible. You're the heavyweight champion of McCracken world.

My goodness. This is incredible. How long you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years.

Where? at? Orlando, Florida. Orlando, Florida. And you just visiting Austin?

Yes, sir. You moved here. Okay. When did you get here? I got here last Sunday.

The goal was to stay for two opportunities to get on this show. And you signed up last week. It didn't happen. and here you are. Here.

we are, baby. When do you go back to Orlando? Tomorrow? Yeah. I leave at like...

I was planning on leaving at like three o'clock in the morning. tomorrow. You're driving. Yeah. I'm supposed to like work on Wednesday.

What do you do for work? That's probably not happening. I sell like RVs and boots and shit. Okay. Yeah.

You look like you would do that. Thank you. Thank you. He's pretty good on stage. He has a delivery style.

You can tell he's done it a bunch. Yeah. Thank you. You work hard at it, huh? I practice a lot in the car.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I don't like open mics because I feel like good jokes, bomb no matter what at shitty open mics.

That's a.

. But hey, shows, I fucking love it, man. Yeah. You ever take someone out to international waters where there's no laws and just do whatever the fuck you want to them? Like torture them with my comedy?

No, sir. I have not. I love it.

Damn, there's a lot of people in here, dude. Yeah. There's a lot more than you can fit in your car. That's for god, damn sure.

You bet on sports? Yeah. Well, I don't know if you know this, but right now I've partnered up with DraftKings and Super Bowl 58 is right around the corner, and if you bet $5, you get $200.. They match your bet up to $200.. All you have to do is download the DraftKings sports app and use the promo code Tony.

There we go. I'll write it down. Coincidence. Yeah. What a crazy coincidence.

Yeah. That he gambles and you have that promo code. That is nuts. Yeah. That's crazy.

I just made enough money to get lap band surgery for the heavyweight champion of the world. Right then, in that very moment. That's how amazing it is. I love it. What's your poison?

How do you get to be that big? If it wasn't for the heavyweight champion of the world, you'd be the biggest guy we've had on this show in a long time. Yeah, I like to tell people it's probably drinking, but it's fucking McChickens, dude. Oh, okay.

Right. Do you think that it's actual chicken? No. Right. No, if it was actual chicken, I wouldn't look that bad.

Right. Chicken is the healthier meat. Jesus. Do you call all chicken sandwiches McChickens, by the way? No, just the McDonald's.

one, dude. I have class. Yeah, but you said Chick-fil-A. Well, he was comparing the prices of the two. Yeah, I'm falling on a budget, you know?

Right. Right. You don't go Chick-fil-A at all. Hey, Tony. No, I mean.

Yeah. The black guys behind us are really murmuring at this chicken talk. Yeah, what's going on back here? You guys, you say chicken three times, D-Madness and John D. start arguing over nothing.

What's going on back here?

Matt's in it too? What, is he, the one that eats the white bread for you guys?

Ari, you had a question or something? No, wait. Oh, I'm confused. I'm spun around. Do you have any special skills or talents, Frankie?

No, I just show my belly. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that was pretty good, though. Yeah, I try to do that to get a pop, and then right off of that, yeah.

No special talents? No. What's your love life? like, Frankie? Do you go out there breaking beds?

I actually built a mega bed. Would you like to hear about it? Yes, yes, we would. All right, so my girlfriend moved in with me, and I have an adjustable base frame queen. The king bed is way too expensive to buy.

Right. Obviously, I'm not sharing a bed with another person on a queen. Right. So I strapped her bed to my bed. Hold on, Ari, go ahead.

Because you're fat?

You're fast with it, dude. Yeah.

No, no, no, it's a queen and a fool. Oh. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

It's a mega bed. It's a mega bed, man. Such a cool name. We were expecting you to actually build something. You just strapped a couple fucking beds together.

I thought it was pretty innovative. Yeah. I agree. I like it. Two kings would be cool, though.

Yeah, I just don't have the room for it. I don't know if I told you, but I budget for McChickens. So my room's not that big.

He is loving it. It is incredible.

Wow. Unbelievable stuff. Frankie, I like your style. You're getting a big joke box here.

Going to catch it? Boom. There he goes. Frankie, Ryan, everybody.

Okay. Yeah. Let's do it. Now's that time where we go to one of our most unbelievable regulars in the history of the show. I mean, this guy's literally fucking unbelievable.

On the road, he's absolutely killing. Coming off of four sold-out theaters with me this weekend. Just got invited to open up for Bird in some giant venues. Just opened up for Shane Gillis. Headlining on his own, a fucking freak of nature.

I present to you a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson.

So me being on this show is like really dope. It's the coolest shit that ever happened to me in my life. But I think some of the wrong people saw the rock shit.

Because, where I'm from, all my homeboys had no idea what I was into in life. Now they see me talk about my life experiences every week. You know what I'm saying? And I went back home for the first time a couple weeks ago. And my dog saw me.

He was like, hey, man, I love you. on that kid, Tony show. That shit hard, bro. Like, watch what you doing. shit, bro.

I had no idea. You was a real weirdo. You like a whole bunch of weird ass shit. Goof ass, nigga. And like I told her, he a real fan.

He really enjoyed the show. So when I repeated a joke on accident, he called me. He was like, you repeating jokes, old dumb ass fuck, nigga.

Repeat a third grade. You just a retarded ass, nigga. That was my time.

I love it. 59 seconds. Right on the fucking dot for Cam Patterson. Embracing the repeating of a joke. Their shirt says, the adventures of camera Peterson.

Yeah, I'd be reading the comments when I shouldn't. And they got me. That shit was funny. The repeater shit is very funny. Whoever came up with that, I owe you money.

But fuck you, I kill your mom.

I kill your mother, bitch. So much fun. I cannot explain to you guys. You know, I've been doing the fucking road for basically 17 years. And you might be one of the most fun people to go out there with.

All we do is laugh and fucking. have so much fun. And one of the most amazing things about Cam, and it is getting bigger and better. This man that you're looking at is by far the biggest marketing genius I've ever been around in the history of stand-up comedy. Ari, are you ready for this?

Because you, our senior Jewish correspondent, are going to. Your mind is about to fucking be blown. So. Breaking Jews.

This is unbelievable. What is it? I'm about to make you hard as a rock. You ready? Profit margin.

Here we go.

First of all, his father meets us in whatever city we land in. Right? He goes to Home Depot that day. Buys about, what, $7?. It turns out for a giant, never-ending bag of rocks, it's about like $7..

It's like garden rocks. $8.25.. $8.25 for a massive. No fucking way. Massive bag of rocks.

No fucking way. You see what I'm getting at? No fucking way. That is so fucking smart. It's unbelievable.

So the people. How much each?

Wow.

Wow. And he sells out in every city. So, instead of lugging extra rocks to the next city and getting on a flight with a bag of rocks like a fucking psychopath, he has one duffel bag with his shit in it and a giant plastic case. that is a motherfucking credit card machine. So he's just ka-chang, ka-chang, ka-chang.

Literally the largest profit margin. He might make more on merch than fucking Kevin Hart and Burt Kreischer combined.

Literally slinging rocks. Slinging rocks. You could take the man out of the hood, but you cannot take the hood out of the man. Come on, man. Wow.

You gotta flip it, baby. Come on, man. It is unbelievable.

So the next city, they land in another city. The dad goes to Home Depot, buys $8.25 worth of rocks. They fucking sell, I mean, it must be, I don't know. It's a fucking lot of rocks, though. It's a lot.

He got little baggies and shit with stickers on them. You know what I'm saying? And they have it down to a fucking science. He probably makes more money than I do doing sold-out theaters. At the end of the day, he's got a fucking credit card machine.

Yeah, life got better. Thank you. It's unbelievable. You are a fucking genius. It doesn't make sense, but in every way, creating, marketing, fucking profiting, every single thing you're doing absolutely correctly.

It doesn't make sense. You are supposed to be, like, ghetto. You're supposed to be, like, I don't know. Where's this business at? You're supposed to be slinging dope rocks.

I'd be thinking, though, you know what I'm saying? All that shit I wasn't good at turned into something that I could, you know what I'm saying, really good at and make positive net worth. Goddamn it. Look at that. Look at that.

Positive net worth. I know words like that.

Net worth.

You had gray sweatpants on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody was looking at my dick print. I didn't want that to happen, so I decided I'd put on regular sweatpants. We saw Ari's dick print when he came out.

Pretty incredible. Pretty incredible. I'm going to have trouble getting over this rock situation. It's crazy. That's great.

If the IRS is listening, he lied about everything.

Tax free. Cam,

you're a fucking murder. You did it again. I love it. You're rolling with the fucking punches in every single fucking way. Thank you.

You know the funniest shit? Yeah. My dad, the first person that called me about the repeat joke, he said, you repeated a joke. And I was like, no, I didn't. He said, you repeated a joke, nigga.

That's what my dad says to me, too.

I love it. Most people in your situation don't have a dad calling them at all, so you're very lucky. You're very lucky, Cam.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, the cold-blooded assassin. Cam, the repeater Patterson.

There he goes. There he goes. On to the next one. Out of the bucket. Again, as you've seen, anything can happen with these bucket pulls.

Make some noise for Robert Lee, everybody. Robert Lee.

There he is.

What's going on, y'all? Y'all, having a good night, mothership?

I can't wait for her to just date a black guy so she could just come out with a mad rap album or something. Somehow, she's able to rhyme the word trigger, you know?

Hey, that's her, not me. I love my wife, been with her for 12 years. But we're not traditional Mexicans, because obviously we don't have kids. But the thing is, you know, we're Christians, not Catholics. We don't breathe as fast, you know?

So thank you. I've been, Rob.

Of all the places to put him into, why would it be a car? It's my favorite guy. I love that shit. Why do Christians not make babies like Catholics? I'm confused at that too.

Oh, Catholic Christians, I mean Catholics versus Christians. They breathe faster and they touch little boys. So I just thought it would get across. Nope.

Nope. Uh-oh.

Your jokes about Christianity, Catholicism did not get across.

So, Robert Lee, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About six months, actually. Six months? Yes, sir. Where?

at? Just San Antonio, doing some bars and clubs, wherever I can get in. You feel good after you do it? Well, sometimes, you know, sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. It's a lot of minutes among minutes.

It's one of those jokes in that minute that you do. that gets laughs? Well, it gets attention, and then I try, you know, I get laughs. You mean they're paying attention to you when you're doing it? Yeah, well, most of the time it's loud crowds, loud bars, so I try to be as louder than them, to get their attention first, and then, you know, see if I can push forward from there.

Okay, okay. Doesn't always win, doesn't always win. Ari likes you because it appears as though you're wearing an extra, a mega yarmulke. It's a hat that's too small for my head. Is that a Toyota hat?

Yeah, my wife used to work for Toyota for a while. She used to be a mechanic, or she is, but used to work for Toyota. Your wife's a mechanic? Yes, sir, yes, sir. That's hilarious.

She should fix that act. Hey,

at least I don't have to get out of the car to change the tire. no more, man. I'm the pretty one. You're the pretty one? I hope so.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God. Okay. How devastating would it be if his wife left him for the heavyweight champion? It could happen. Hey, now I need to live up to his name, hell yeah.

After he gets that surgery, dude, he might fucking be balling out of control. Robert, what's the greatest quality about you? I mean, not to be gay, but I love the fuck out of my wife and all my family. Like, shit, I'm the most loyal person you actually fucking meet. Well, it's easy to be loyal when absolutely nobody wants to fuck you, isn't it?

Well, you know, I had my time, but I met my wife young. Yeah, we've been married for, like I said, like 12 years. How old are you now? 30.. So 18, damn.

Yeah, so, yeah. Have you ever fucked anybody other than your wife? High school, some college, I mean. Also some cheating here and there, right? You can cut this part out.

There's a couple months we don't talk about in there, but it's all right. Okay. What are those couple months? I love to talk about it. Like the beginning.

Just the beginning. You were goofing around a little bit? I was goofing. I found out she goofed after. I took it harder than her, obviously.

I doubt that. Oh, shit.

Thank you.

Okay, Robert.

Here's a little joke book. I got to get you out of here, dude.

What? Why does Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? I don't know. These people don't fuck around, dude. These people do not fuck around.

How many of you like it when people do good on this show?

How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?

You must be having the time of your life tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket. pull. Sean Stewart, everybody. The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Sean Stewart.

Howdy, y'all. So I'm from Austin, but when I grew up here, I consider myself somewhat of a pacifist. And I think that's because when I grew up, I was somewhat of a fat ass. But either way, I was never much of a fighter. In fact, my record's one and one.

But I saw recently the kid that kicked my ass back in middle school, had made it onto the news, recently. Had a whole article written about him. Got hit by a fucking train.

And that shit was bittersweet.

Because the best part, I can talk all the shit I want now. The worst part, probably his fucking funeral. Had to be a closed casket.

Broke up with my ex after she got hit by a train also.

A black train.

Howdy, y'all. Here we go. So, believe it or not, that wasn't the worst set of the night. Good news for you, Sean Stewart. It was fucking terrible.

But not even the second worst set of the night. But it wasn't even like. there were jokes that didn't hit. It just wasn't jokes. Right.

Literally not a joke. There was an attempt at a joke, kind of, with the black train. But it wasn't really like... It was like the Cliff Notes of his therapy. Yeah.

I can talk all the shit I want. now. I always thought it was kind of funny. I mean, it actually happened. Uh-huh.

That's cool. That's fun. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up? About three, four months now. Three or four months.

Where? at? Only here in Austin. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up three or four months ago?

Mainly the show. I kind of thought comedy was dead. after 2016 and that whole Trump era. You thought comedy was dead? Well, I thought you can't really make jokes making fun of dead people that got hit by trains really anymore.

And you said, I also won't? No. And then I kind of...

So I saw Kill Tony and kind of edgy, making fun of people jokes coming back. Well, I guess I'm a bully, so... Okay. Are you a bully? I've been on both sides.

when I grew up. I got bullied and I bullied. So I think it's like even... Who do you bully?

Bullied like the Minecraft kids in middle school. How about Yuji?

Yu-Yo. Yu-Yo was cool in like elementary school.

Sean, over here. Don't bully him. Don't bully him. This guy's demeanor is something... I've never seen it before.

He's very comfortable. It's not that I'm just up here doing nothing. It's that also. I've oftentimes thought of coming here and doing nothing. I thought, why not come to do nothing for you people?

I'm just going to say racist jokes like Ari Shaffir.

I like rock climbing.

Yeah. That makes sense. God gave you a girlfriend and you stopped going to church. No, she wasn't from the church, actually. Huh?

She wasn't from the church. Right. But I mainly started going to church because I was out on 6th Street after getting broken up with. And my buddy was like, Sean, you don't want to meet a girl out here. Come to church with me.

And so I started going to church for two years. Wow.

Okay. Okay. Sean. Sean. What are you afraid of?

We're going to keep it moving. We're going to fly through a lot of people here tonight.

What the fuck is going on back there?

Okay.

Okay. How about a hand for John D's, everybody?

Okay, we're gonna get back to this bucket, pull bullshit in a second. These guys have been unbelievably bad today. Yeah, it is incredible. This next comedian is neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner. He is either despised or loved by the Kill Tony fan base.

I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so funny offstage. And lately, slowly, we have been watching him transition into being able to be funnier on stage. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer.

I was sure, almond milk ain't making everybody trans.

Right? We used to have a hole in 2%, everybody had strong bones, and we had a regular gaze.

And boy, they're getting hard to spot, aren't they? I'm messaging back and forth to this girl from Miami, right, what I thought was a girl. You know, she said, hey, I do the only fantasy, send some of my content. Now I said, oh, come on, right? She didn't send it to me.

The next morning, she sent me a text saying, oh, shit, I did not send that to Uncle Lazer. I sent that to my Uncle Mike. I said, Thanksgiving's going to be weird, no?

She. then, she goes, I was like, but you know, like, your parents know, you do the only fantasy. You should be all right. She goes, yeah, but they don't know. I transition.

And I said, what do you mean?

Like anally to vaginally, like, what are you talking about? She said, oh, you didn't read my bio. I said, bitch, I don't fucking read. But we'll see.

Uncle Lazer, with a new minute, with a few jokes peppered in there, I almost don't recognize the show with jokes. It's been such a crazy night, a lot of fucking bombardiers up here. I was like, if I can't follow that, I need to go fucking. sit on it. You know what I'm saying?

Like, if I can't beat that, I just need to kill myself, sit out in traffic. Right. Absolutely. What is that thing you keep doing with your tongue? What's going on there?

You become more lizard like every time you come on the show.

Well, I seen all his nuts up there and I tell you what, look at that. It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there. You know what I'm talking about? He keeps that motherfucking thing on him. Oh, my God, Uncle Lizard is, oh, Jesus Christ, oh, my God,

oh,

my God, absolutely incredible. Has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle? It's got skittles in it, look at it, it's got skittles in it. That ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world.

It's got shelves, there's veins. Oh, my God, don't pull on him like that.

We'll be right back. D-Madness just said he's glad he's blind. Yeah. Like big time, right now. D-Madness has no idea what's going on right now whatsoever.

I'm very happy right now. But he knows that something is not right. He can suspect, I do believe there's a smell or something that perhaps he picks up on. A certain energy. The balls are on your leg, watch out.

Okay, Red Band. Red Band, very good, Red Band.

No one drops the balls like Red Band. So, Uncle Lazer, here we are. Good almond milk joke, though, that was great. Thanks, bud, thanks.

Yeah, you're doing it, dude, it's very impressive. You're out on the road, doing a lot of shows and coming up with new material. And it's fun to have you come on and show everybody what's up. You are a, you know, a lot of people early on, they're like, oh, that's Tony's buddy. What's going on?

He just seems like a character, this and that. And you're kind of fulfilling this prophecy that I wanted people to see of what happens when somebody with a good stage presence and a good performer energy gets better at writing and performing standup comedy. And you're a prime example of that. Thanks.

Because those early minutes, early on, I mean, holy shit. Holy shit. And you didn't use your drug use as an excuse, like some people did here tonight. You know, you were just doing drugs and bombing, but you didn't have excuses. You worked at it, and here you are, a good new minute, rock, fucking solid.

How about a hand for Uncle Lazer, everybody? Thank you, guys.

Uncle Lazer. Balls to the walls. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian.

It's been a rough bucket night. But according to you guys, you guys like to watch people struggle up here. Make some noise for Dustin Horton, everyone.

Here he is.

I'm a firm believer that the pain that we go through in life and the trauma that we endure ultimately defines us as people. That being said, I've been to state prison. I've lost a father to suicide. I've overcome drug addiction. I've also had a cucumber up my ass.

I'll let y'all decide which was the most traumatic to me.

So.

No, I didn't need to go to prison to get raped. No, I just need a little bit of molly, a decent buzz, a dominating girlfriend. And clearly I'm a willing participant.

But the pain that my ass will endure during that experience, it was nothing compared to the look on the neighbor's kids' faces when they came out to go to school that morning, and they see me getting pegged with produce in the hot tub. That's gonna stick with both of us for life. I promise.

What's going on? Talking to the microphone, how long have you been trying stand-up comedy? This is my fifth set. Your fifth set. Were the other ones in front of human beings or are you a car guy?

The last one was actually at the mothership about an hour ago. Okay, you got on the open mic here. Yes. Randomly selected. Correct.

And how did that go? It went well, actually. Really?

What did you do there? What did you talk about? Was it that minute? It was that mixed with another minute about a broken leg and shit in my pants. Was the other minute the part that was funny?

Did you do the unfunny minute here? Or was that the funniest minute out of the three minutes that you did in the other room? Were you getting both these together for your big road to?

I think I just tried to combine them and do the best I could with the experience I had. How old are you? I'm 37.. And you're just starting. Stand up now.

What made you want to start this now? This cocktail of trauma that I've had in my life. Tell us about the trauma. Tell us. We want to fucking hear it.

I want to hear about your dad. You want to hear about my dad?

Three years ago he blew his brains out high on crystal meth. Okay.

Did he leave a note? He did not leave a note, no. He did not leave a note. And the autopsy said he was on crystal meth? Or are you just guessing?

We were told by neighbors. You were told by neighbors that he was on crystal meth? I didn't live anywhere near him. Did you communicate with him at all before his death? Not as much as I should have, no.

You feel a little bit of regret? Yeah, definitely. We have good news for you. Here on the line. we can communicate directly with people that are in hell.

Okay, here we are. We're through. We've gotten through on the hell line. Speak to your father. Speak to him.

Hey, dad. How's it going?

That's what you wanted to ask your dead father?

Hold on a second. Yes. Oh, wait. That's Satan trying to interrupt. Hold on a second.

Okay. Well, it's not working. The communication isn't working with your father. It never did. I think he killed himself again.

You kind of caused that yourself. It wasn't the crystal meth. It was your lack of communication. What did you go to state prison for? Yeah, that's a good one.

Ooh. So me and a group of friends actually stole Really enunciate into that microphone. Me and a group of friends actually stole lobster and beer from a restaurant near my house. Lobster and beer? No, that's not state prison.

You're not black. I'm dead serious.

I got two to six years with a boot camp. For lobster and beer? How much fucking lobster and beer did you steal? We robbed a restaurant across from my house. It was during a night time when there was nobody there.

I got charged with a class D felony in the state of New York. I did a two to six year sentence. You did a what? Two to six year sentence. How long did you serve?

I went into this boot camp program. I got sent to this prison boot camp, basically for nine months. For lobster and beer? What did your friends get?

Most of them got six months, five years, probation. I don't believe this story. It seems like there's something more to it. Lobster and beer. He stole a lot of lobster, and beer is what he's saying.

How much lobster did you steal? How were they able to find you? They caught us because the restaurant raped a waitress while we were there as well.

The cartons of fucking restaurant beer.

How did they find you? The cartons of restaurant beer boxes that were outside of our garbage. It was a party scene for a week after that.

Drinking restaurant beer. The cops were able to track it down? Easily, because it was a block away from my house. Oh, you're so stupid. I was 19..

How old are you now? 37.. My, how, the time flies.

Tell us more about this trauma. What do you do for work? Currently, bartend. Tell us more about why you think you ended up this way. You look like you could be the CEO of a company and you're just having a day off, having a good old time.

But on the inside there's none of that going on. No, there's a lot of fucking, a lot of shit going on inside. It's like when somebody puts one of those Mercedes bodies over an Elantra or something like that. You're also, you're homosexual, correct? I am not, no.

You sure? How about in boot camp? Did you come out of your shell? I'm sorry. No, cracking any claws out there?

No, I'm very straight. How straight are you? Explain to us the straightest thing you've ever done before.

Mmm. Not that easy of a question for a gay man, is it?

I've just never even thought about that question. It's time to start thinking about it, buddy. Yep, now's the time. I only say it because you're definitely a homosexual.

One second you're shoving lobster up your ass and the next you're trying to figure out what's straight about you. Your father, actually, you know, knew you were a homosexual. That's probably why. That's why he started the meth addiction, kept it a secret, just like you, kept your sexuality a secret, and he also blew and gave head, like you do right at the very end. He gave head to the wall that was behind him.