#1969 - Sam Tallent

The Joe Rogan Experience.

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I've been running Sam Talent.

Them headphones join the fucking party.

Get the microphone up about like a fist from your face.

Jamie, how's this?

Do I sound powerful and elegant?

Thank you.

Bro, you are powerful and elegant.

Thanks, man.

I appreciate that.

I'm good enough.

I had a friend of mine, and she was asking me something just about comedy.

And I go, I just, you know, no one, I don't like my stuff.

No one likes their stuff.

Like, you see it too much, it just gets in your head.

And you're like, ugh.

I look at it like a hater.

And she goes, I just want you to know, no matter what, that you are enough.

I go, what?

I go, no, no, no, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm not saying, like, I don't like my stuff, like I have a problem.

No, I'm just like, that's just the process.

Yeah.

Like, I feel good.

Right.

But that thing that people say to people, you are enough.

I just want you to know that you are enough.

Look, I don't need validation from you, lady.

She's a nice lady.

I'm sure she's a nice lady.

She's a very nice lady.

But I don't think you're going to her to be like, can you hold my hand through this difficult period?

I think some people do do that to people.

They go fishing for that kind of response.

Yeah.

That you are enough.

I'm like, no, no, I'm okay.

It's like, look, I know.

Look around, lady.

I kind of made Austin a thing.

Yeah, I know I'm okay.

I mean, it's sweet of her, but.

No, she's awesome.

I also hate watching my shit, dude.

You hate it?

That'd be my Guantanamo.

Is that making me watch all my old specials?

Yuck.

God damn it.

Or, like, a YouTube clip from, like, 2007.

That's the thing that you have to do, too, like, when working on new material.

I either watch or listen to it.

Have to listen to it.

Just have to.

I got to know, like, what makes me groan.

What makes me go, yuck.

What's the cringe in there?

How do I cut the yuck out of that?

It's just like, you're going to have that.

You got to look at your act like you're a hater.

Oh, for sure.

I do.

Luckily, I never have any moments where I'm like, oh, this is working out.

I watch and I'm like, why is your leg like that?

I can barely hear the joke.

I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Look at your hair.

Where did that leave?

Look how far that's receding.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Have you always?

How long have you been shaving your head?

Twelve years?

Yeah.

Something like that.

It's way better.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't think about it anymore.

It's like, oh.

It's like one less thing to think about.

If you have a good shaped head.

I don't.

Some people have flat heads.

Their head's flat.

But now you got a new joke about having a flat head.

Yeah, then I have to turn around or have a mirror behind me.

That's fine.

Yeah, it's all right.

Give him a little fucking.

I'm going to get into props.

Give him a little look at the flat.

Yeah.

No, I don't have a good head.

It's bumpy.

I think if I shaved my head, I would go mutton chops.

I would leave the chops.

Why don't you go fucking full Sufi beard?

Yeah, just lower.

Just the lower beard.

Like Dagestan.

Amish?

Yeah, right here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amish.

Go underneath the chin.

Yeah, the apple butter.

Does all the Amish do it?

They go underneath, right?

I think there's some kind of like recessive allele where they're not like God keeps them

from having any hair on their cheeks.

There's so many Muslims who fight in the UFC who have shaved heads and they grow a full

ass beard.

There's the Amish one.

That's ridiculous.

So he is shaving it.

That shit is not catching on.

No.

To anybody.

No.

Yeah, that's a weird middle ground.

Right?

Because he could eat food with no problem at all, which is like kind of a cop out.

You know what he's not eating?

What?

Those guys don't.

I don't think so.

They're not allowed to eat pussy.

Those guys' forearms.

Have you seen an Amish guy with his shirt off?

They jerk off a lot, I'm sure.

But they have to do it to memory, right?

Yeah, I think so.

Like they can't be watching porn.

No.

The Amish beard is typically-

They just have wood carvings.

What did you say?

Because Amish men shave their mustaches off, you may be wondering now if an Amish are allowed

married men may shave their mustaches only, unmarried men may shave their beards too.

The only prohibition on shaving applies to the beards of married men.

Oh, okay, so it's like a wedding ring.

So once you have a full beard, all the hoes need to leave you the fuck alone.

Yeah, it's like, hey, I'm taking ladies.

Yeah, he's taking bitches.

That's why he's growing this gross-ass beard.

Yeah, God forbid they see your chin.

Isn't it funny that you're on the marketplace if you don't have a beard?

You're this guy out there with no beard.

Yeah, you're swinging your peacock.

Yeah, imagine the fucking Mrs. Amish and Mr. Amish have a fight and he just, watch this bitch.

Just half of it?

Just shaves his beard off.

Halfway out the door.

She starts crying, runs outside, makes some butter real quick.

Makes some butter.

They don't have any electricity.

They make their own houses.

Dude, those Amish, the way they raise houses so quick.

Oh, they're really good at it.

Yeah, and then Mennonites, they're, you know, they're like rough around the edges.

I don't know any Mennonites, but I did meet one with Ari Shaffir at the airport, and I found out because he asked her.

What are you? Yeah, classic Ari.

Oh, no, it wasn't at the airport, I'm sorry.

It was at a rest stop.

It was at a rest stop in Massachusetts, I think.

We were in between gigs, just driving to a gig.

What are you?

Why didn't you ask her?

What are you?

Yeah, what is that?

Yeah, she's wearing an outfit.

What's up with the bonnet?

Which one are you?

It is fucking weird, though, man.

You know what's weird?

Is that when people do a really shitty job, it's a cult.

When they do a really good job, it's a religion.

But it's basically the same system that it works on in the human brain.

It works on the same mechanisms.

Like, someone has all the answers, and they have a connection to a higher power.

That's why, you know, one thing that creeps me out about atheism.

It's not atheism itself.

It's that I think that tendency to just find a group of ideas that you will wholesale subscribe to is, like, built into us.

I think it's a cultural thing like war.

And I think when people don't have that, if they don't have Christianity or Islam or Buddhism or Judaism, whatever they don't have, they'll put it into something else.

I think it's a normal part of being a person for some strange reason.

For me, we're trying to find community all the time, right?

We're seeking ways to make whatever our small group is be safe and maybe work with other like-minded groups.

And when it comes to atheism, it's wild when people become fundamental about that.

When you're devout to the idea of atheism, it's like, I don't think there's anything after this.

But I'm also not going to become an apostate for many other ideas.

I don't know why anybody would be sure one way or the other.

Oh, I don't know. Because you have to be, I think.

Well, it would help you if you were.

Yeah.

So the thing about it, like Jordan Peterson says this, that you should live your life as if God is real.

And if you live your life as if God is real, you will definitely live a better life.

I was like, that's a very interesting way of thinking about it.

Because if you're wrong, there's no consequences.

You just die.

But if you're living that way, at the very least, you'll have less anxiety.

Oh, for sure.

You'll have more of a sense of purpose.

You'll do the right thing more often because you'll be sort of like aiming to that, like looking to do, like as a good Christian.

I know a lot of people that are Christians that are really good people.

And it's because they aim towards that.

They think about that all the time.

They think about what would God want me to do.

They think about what does God teach.

And they're aiming in that.

They're still human.

We're all fucked.

For sure.

But they're aiming in that direction.

Let's underline that.

We are all fucked.

Let's not forget that.

The whole population.

I like it when you're doing things because they are trying to cash checks in heaven.

I do like it when you're just doing it because it's the right thing to do.

Like when you give a homeless guy five bucks and he's like, God bless you, I'm the kind of dickhead who's like, there's no God involved in this.

This is one man trying to help one man.

I'm doing this because I think it's going to benefit you, not because I'm trying to get up to the big man.

That's true.

But maybe he's saying, God bless you.

Like he's so happy that you did that for him.

It's the nicest thing he knows how to say.

He really hopes good things happen to you as well.

Sure. I know.

It's a weird thing, right?

Because you feel like if you buy into it, you're being a dupe.

You're getting duped.

Oh, they got you.

They got you with that nonsense.

What they get you with that Mormonism shit.

You think you're going to get your own planet when you die, stupid.

Which is pretty cool.

Let's be honest.

If you're going to pick one.

I have a friend in California, and she was a Mormon for a long time.

And she decided to stop being a Mormon.

And when she decided to stop being a Mormon, one of the craziest things she said was,

she goes, I realized that I was way more vulnerable to weird culty stuff.

Like spirituality and yoga.

She goes, I felt like because I had accepted devout Mormonism my whole life,

I hadn't questioned anything.

And as an adult, I think she left in her late 30s or 40s.

So as an adult, she just became vulnerable to kind of hucksters.

Energy healers and that kind of shit.

It seemed like, oh, that makes sense.

That's what I'm looking at.

There's a fucking program in our head where we want to believe nonsense.

And whether that program is attached to the Republican Party,

whether it's attached to being a fucking Buddhist.

Did you see the Dalai Lama sucking on that kid's thighs?

What the fuck?

Could you watch?

Slurping a boy tongue?

In front of a bunch of people.

A whole bunch of people.

What the fuck?

You thought you were going to get away with this?

What the fuck?

What the fuck is that?

I watched and I was like, this is wild.

I remember they tried to cancel him a few years back.

Because he was talking about marriage.

And they said, you took a vow of celibacy.

How do you feel about this?

And he's like, I have so many friends.

And they get married.

And then they get divorced.

And they're not happy.

And then the woman takes all their money.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

And this woman said something to the tune of, well, you know.

Some women, they make money too.

He's like, ah, good one.

High five.

It was something.

Something, oh, sure.

Now I've heard everything.

It was one of those fucking.

It was a weird interview, man.

But it was weird.

He's like parroting out these tropes.

Right.

You know, about marriage and divorce.

And it's really funny.

It's like, because some of them fail.

But this is supposed to be a spiritual leader.

Right.

He's supposed to be like completely ascended and bigger than any body.

He's also supposed to be saying that some marriages are wonderful and beautiful.

Because they are.

For him to say, oh, what I heard is they take your money.

Yeah.

Well, it's like your dad's friend who doesn't get laid anymore.

You ever hang out with him at the bar, you know?

He'd have a video of him sucking on a kid's tongue.

He might.

Like, what the fuck, man?

It's probably a VHS tape.

He's got it on Laserdisc.

Did they record?

I don't think Laserdisc records.

I have no idea.

I don't think they did.

That's hilarious.

Dalai Lama also said at one point, he was like, we've got to keep Europe for Europeans.

Yeah, I heard that too.

He was like, too many refugees are coming in.

That was crazy.

Yeah, I know.

Like, what the fuck are you saying, man?

Hey, Dalai Lama, just let the kid sit on your lap.

That's enough.

Yeah, hey, dude.

How about don't do that?

Quit smooching the kids in general.

Yeah, don't tell a kid to suck your tongue.

It's actually not on camera.

That seems like there should be jail time for something like that.

Like, what is that?

I don't think he can get in trouble.

In Tibet, sticking out one's tongue is known as a traditional greeting stemming from a

9th century myth about an unpopular king with a black tongue.

His tongue was doing black face.

The Tibetans revealed revealing their tongues to show they had become his incarnate.

Whoa.

Tongue sucking does not appear part of the tradition.

That's where you cross the line.

If they just stuck tongues at each other, bro, you would have escaped scot-free.

The PR team is working hard spin on that one.

Hard spin.

Wait till Rachel Maddow gets a hold of it.

She'll find a way.

She'll find a way.

It happened in February.

It came out like a week, couple days ago, which is kind of weird.

So it's a hit campaign against the Lama?

Yeah, it's like a few weeks old.

Sometimes it just takes a while for something like that to catch.

I mean, if it was Don Lemon, I would say, yeah, they're trying to get rid of him.

But the Dalai Lama?

I don't think they can get him out.

I have no idea why it came out.

How do you get out the Dalai Lama?

I don't even mean to pick on Don Lemon.

I'm saying someone who's on television.

But even then, if that information's available, look how many people were there.

That's obviously like a cell phone footage, right?

Is that what it is?

Well, it was a fundraiser for some kind of Indian tech company.

How wild.

Yeah.

How wild.

Just be kissing a kid in front of everybody.

Which is already too much.

Tongue kissing.

Yeah.

Suck on my tongue.

What are you talking about?

I've never had a kid that close to my own face where I could say, suck on my tongue.

Isn't it interesting?

It's interesting what we choose to consider intimate contact.

Because hands.

Like, if he had that boy's hand in his hand, and he put his hand over it and said,

I wish you a wonderful, happy life.

You're a beautiful human being, and just go out there and be kind to everybody.

That's cool.

Sweet gesture.

Yeah, sweet gesture.

When you fully hug someone, you can hug them for a couple seconds.

Yeah.

You gotta let go.

You can't stand there for 10 minutes, just rubbing their back.

People go, hey, hey, hey, Dalai Lama, let the kid go.

Yeah, you broke the time clock.

There's a time clock that goes when someone hugs.

You get a real good friend, it's like you got a 10-second countdown.

Let it linger.

10-second countdown.

10 seconds is a long time to be hugging someone.

Oh, it's a lot.

Ready? Here's 10 seconds.

And go.

So here we are.

We're touching chest to chest.

Our genitals are near each other.

I can smell your neck right now.

We're still hugging.

All right, now we're done hugging.

Oh, man.

That's kind of a hug.

But I've done that.

I've done a 10-second hug with a good friend.

But now with a little boy that I don't know in the middle of nowhere.

Also, how did that boy get in there?

Don't show me this.

I don't want to see this again.

Oh!

I don't want to see this.

That boy snapped back like a cobra ready to fucking strike.

He's like, why are you making me suck your tongue, you old fucking weirdo?

It's like when the noodle hits your lips finally.

It snaps, like the sound.

But what I'm getting at is it's interesting that kissing is such an intimate act.

It clearly is.

But I wonder how that even got started.

People's breath must have been horrible back in the day.

Oh, God.

No dentists.

Your teeth all fell out.

And they got knocked out.

You probably got infections from cracked teeth from getting hit with a rock.

I bet a lot of people died from mouth infections and shit.

Well, yeah, you're trying to eat everything you find.

Yeah, you don't even know what's edible.

And when did they start kissing?

I don't know.

Let's find that out.

Let's take a guess.

When do you think kissing was invented?

What if it was like 1900?

Yeah, whenever France became a country.

What if nobody kissed until like the 1900s?

It was a revolution.

I'm going to guess.

I'm going to guess it's like some Mesopotamia shit.

For sure.

Yeah, I'm going to guess that it started like thousands of years ago.

Cradle of civilization.

Yeah.

I'd say pre-pyramids.

Pre?

Whoa.

Yeah.

Strong.

Yeah.

Strong guess.

What else did you have to do back then?

Make a toothbrush?

Like, why would you kiss somebody?

That seems crazy.

We were just figuring out what holes are safe.

That's true.

Yeah.

But you could wash the body off, like eating pussy and blowjobs and stuff.

That kind of makes sense.

You just want to get crazy.

I think blowjobs happened before sex did.

I bet you went mouth first.

No.

There was a fur-covered hole down there.

You're going to try and jam up in that thing?

Watch chimps.

Chimps fuck each other.

They hardly ever blow each other.

Oh, I've watched chimps fuck each other.

All right.

I bet you have.

Oh, yeah.

I bet you have.

I've been down that road.

So your guess is pre-dynastic Egypt.

Sure.

5,000 to 6,000 years ago.

I just said pyramids, but yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's like 5,000 years ago.

Okay.

Supposedly.

They don't even really know.

What do you think?

Jamie?

I've got two answers.

I was trying to figure out which one.

But what was your question?

I didn't have one.

You didn't have one?

No.

No.

The first answer Google gives back is the first recorded kiss, 1500 BC, which sounds

recent.

Interesting.

It's very recent.

Right below that is a link to a longer piece that says, some researchers believe that kissing

began millions of years ago as a result of mouth-to-mouth feeding.

Ooh.

Interesting.

And then that's going into like, well, why didn't everybody do it then?

Because you had to chew the food for the child?

Do you know that you can get syphilis from kissing people?

No.

I didn't either.